0:00:02 > 0:00:05Oh...er...errrr...
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Oh.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Darling, are you all right?
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Yes...mmm.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Mmm.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Mmmm.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Hello, Adam.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Oh, yeah, that's nice.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32She's gorgeous, isn't she?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34It is very hot down there.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Argh!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09She's only staying with us for two days, isn't she?
0:01:09 > 0:01:13I know, but she's your god-daughter and I want to give her a treat.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14I'm really excited about it.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18We're going to do face-painting and make-up and glittery nails.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22And I thought I could take her to the city farm, and we can make perfume, and do a treasure hunt.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Go to the sandpit. - Bloody hell Alex, well done.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- All I'd thought of was the Imperial War Museum.- Mm.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32DOORBELL RINGS That'll be her.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Hello.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Tim.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Hello, mate. Thanks so much for doing this.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41That's her clothes, and some of her toys,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- music...- Oh, right. - DVDs, books, iPod.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Bedtime's at eight, if you're lucky.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Worst case, just stick her in front of Ben 10 and she'll be happy.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55No, we won't do that. Alex has got lots of things planned, face-painting, and...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57OK. Ooh!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00You'll definitely need Albert, in case she gets scared.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Paris!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Hello, Enid, darling.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07You've grown up, haven't you?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08How are you?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Shut up.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14I hate you.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23MUSIC: "Sunday Shining" by Finley Quaye
0:02:42 > 0:02:47It's actually hotter here than in St Kitts today, it's 33.4 degrees C.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49That's over 92 degrees Fahrenheit.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Has this window ever been opened?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53PHONE RINGS
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Nigel.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56OK.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Nigel!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01St Saviour in the Marshes.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Who is it?
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Hello, Joan.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Oh, dear, that sounds awful.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11No, we don't really do that, Joan.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12OK?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15OK, yeah. Bye.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I can't sleep with the heat.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I lie there naked with the sheets thrown off.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Still wake up in a puddle of wetness.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26What does she want?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Joan?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Some weird stuff about seeing a ghost in her room and wanting an exorcism.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Is she upset?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I suppose.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- If she's crying, she's upset, isn't she?- Well, if she's upset, we should go round and see her.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42She thinks there's a ghost. You don't believe in ghosts, do you?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45No. She's just moved into a nursing home.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48She's feeling very dislocated, probably psychosomatic.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I see. Enlightened rationalist approach.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Come on, let's go and make her feel better.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58- We'll do a simple house blessing. - Shouldn't we prepare for the DAC meeting? That's far more important.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03The architect's final plans have come in. Everyone's fed up with this church not having a loo.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Lord knows what they did in Georgian times.- They held it in.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I'm fed up with flogging it over to the park or the kebab shop every time I need a widdle.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13We'll make sure we get our loo. That's for Monday.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18Come on. We'll pop next door to Wedmore House and cheer her up, poor old thing.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23I bought these endurance shorts, lightweight, with an air-free membrane for freedom of movement.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Still get sticky in them.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36If the place really is haunted, we'd need to call the diocesan exorcist. That's procedure.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37But it really isn't haunted.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Have you ever met the Reverend Donald Cake?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42No. I heard he's barking.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45He caused £20,000 worth of damage at the last place he exorcised,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48before they discovered the bumps in the night were a draughty fireplace.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Well, exactly. See? We don't need Donald's special skills.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54We'll say a few prayers for Joan and bless her room.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55That's what people always want.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Bit of ritual.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Placebo prayer. Got you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Oh, it's blistering, isn't it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I'm getting a rash.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Here we are, God's waiting room.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10- Did you know it was built on the site of London's first dentistry clinic?- Mmm.
0:05:10 > 0:05:16THEY HUM "THE EXORCIST" THEME MUSIC
0:05:20 > 0:05:22THEY ABRUPTLY STOP HUMMING
0:05:25 > 0:05:27There she is.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28After you.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31She's your old woman.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Hello, Joan.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Hello, Alan.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39It's not church again, is it?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41HE LAUGHS
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Shh! Alan's come to see ME, actually.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's Adam. Hello, Derek.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Is he your boyfriend?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50HE LAUGHS
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Don't humour him.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Come on, let's skedaddle.
0:05:55 > 0:06:02DEREK CONTINUES TO LAUGH
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I hate this place.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I hate the other residents.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10They're all so old.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And you won't believe it, but I think this place is haunted.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I feel a negative presence.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17I see things.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I'm sorry, Joan.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Tell me what's been going on.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I've been having these terrible nightmares.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28There's a laughing man standing over my bed at night.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29That sounds horrible.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I've been having nightmares in the heat, too.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36I had a very odd dream last night about a fireman.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38This is real.
0:06:39 > 0:06:45I think this...this laughing ghost wants to hurt me.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52That man Derek laughs a lot, doesn't he? With his strange laugh. Does he ever come in here?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54No, no, I wouldn't let him.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00When the ghost is coming, there's a banging on the wall.
0:07:00 > 0:07:07Then in the morning when I wake up, all my sheets have been pulled back.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14It's as if the laughing man wants to stare at my naked body.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Naughty ghost.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Oh!- OK, Joan.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24We'll say some prayers to banish the ghost and send him to a happier place.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Is it an exorcism?
0:07:26 > 0:07:27It is.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Sort of.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33It's a blessing to drive away unhappy spirits.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Visit, we beseech thee, O Lord, this place,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and drive far from it all the snares of the enemy.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Let thy holy angels dwell herein and preserve us in peace,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55and may thy blessing be upon us evermore,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Amen.- You are the Devil's concubine.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Begone! I cast you out in the name of the Lord.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Begone, unclean spirit!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- The power of Christ compels you! - Nigel. Nigel...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Please!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Will you leave it to the real vicar?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Brilliant, Nigel. Thanks for your help.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I was helpful, actually. The banging will stop.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Her radiator is the notoriously unreliable Warminster CP3,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28and it badly needed bleeding.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37What?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- You don't believe in ghosts?- No.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Are you mad?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I've never seen one.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Well, you've never seen God, but you believe in him.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49But I see God everyday, everywhere.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I see God in...in these butterflies.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I see God in that crisp packet.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You see God in that crisp packet?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59OK, maybe not the crisp packet.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01What about the Holy Ghost?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Now there's a ghost you believe in.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07But that's the Holy Spirit, that's a term for God's energy.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12And believing, for me, is more like trusting.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I trust in God.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I don't trust in ghosts.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20If you'd seen what I've seen, Adam, you'd believe in ghosts.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I'll tell ya, I've seen some strange shit.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Have you? What have you seen?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Well... When this happened to me.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Oh, my God, Colin, how did you get that?
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Shark attack.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33A shark attack?
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Loan shark.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Mad Tony did this to me when he caught me banging his wife in a Renault Espace.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I ended up in Salford Royal.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Intensive care.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46There was this bloke in the bed next to me who'd been shot.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Half his brain was hanging out.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51One night, I looked over at him,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55and these pale, white figures were standing over his bed,
0:09:55 > 0:09:59scary-looking figures, just staring at him.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Next morning he was dead.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Were they doctors?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Here you go, Enid, darling.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Shall we take your fun horns off now?
0:10:23 > 0:10:24No! I hate you.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28There's your supper. Fish fingers, carrots and chips.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I hate fish fingers.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34They're quite nice fish fingers, Enid, I promise. I just had one. Mm.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Where's Mummy gone?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Mummy's gone for a special weekend in France for a wedding,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43which means that you get to stay with us for the weekend, lucky girl.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I hate you, and I hate you.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51If you eat up all those up, I'll read you a story after supper.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I hate stories.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57DOORBELL RINGS
0:11:02 > 0:11:04See, what it is, yeah, see, what it is, yeah...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- I think I'm possessed, vicar.- What?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I hear you is doing exorcism now.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11No, I'm not.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Oh, man, I'm possessed! There's a demon inside me.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Oh, here he comes.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Ooooooooh...
0:11:20 > 0:11:21HE MAKES GROWLING NOISES
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I'm a demon.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I've possessed Mick,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29and he will be cursed and go to hell unless you give him 20 quid.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- Demon...- 20 quid.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I'm afraid I can't give 20 quid,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35because it would mean that you've won,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38and it would encourage you to do it more.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40OK...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I will spin his head right round, then.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46HE MAKES GROANING NOISES
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- Give him 20 quid.- Mick...
0:11:53 > 0:11:55If I give you a frozen pizza, will you go away?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Aargh!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Vicar!
0:11:59 > 0:12:00ENID SCREAMS
0:12:00 > 0:12:02MICK SCREAMS
0:12:02 > 0:12:04ENID SCREAMS
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I've decided we shouldn't have a child.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16HE CHUCKLES
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Quite right.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33What are you doing?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Hello Enid, are you OK?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I'm scared. I want Albert.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Oh.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47See?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You're all safe now.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55You've got Albert the Dragon to scare away the monsters.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56TOY MAKES LAUGHING NOISE
0:13:04 > 0:13:06He's just here.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Guarding the door, keeping you safe.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Night-night.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Sleep well.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19(I hate you.)
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Hello, Adam.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Archdeacon. What are you doing?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Having a poo in your loo.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Would you like to have a look?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Must I?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I poo snakes.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:13:52 > 0:13:56'Dear lord, why are you sending me these horrible dreams?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59'Is it like when you sent Zachariah those night visions?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01'They represented something, didn't they?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03'I've never understood them, to be honest,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05'but this is just the heat, isn't it?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08'It's certainly making Nigel grumpier than usual.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10'Or...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13'..are you trying to tell me that I'd be a useless father?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16'Maybe Alex and I shouldn't be trying to have a child.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18'Is that what you're trying to say?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21'I do find Enid incredibly irritating.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25'Mm, something wrong with my teeth.'
0:14:31 > 0:14:33How are you finding the place, Joan?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Better?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I don't want to be here any more.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39The man visited me again in the night.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41He's still laughing at me.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43It's frightening.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47You said you'd done an exorcism, but it didn't work.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Sorry.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Are you absolutely sure the laughter isn't something else?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Derek?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Playing silly buggers?
0:14:56 > 0:14:57No...
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Derek died yesterday.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Bless him.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Alan...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Do you think there is a Heaven?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Yes.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15If there is, what is it?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19It's hard to find words for it or give it a shape without sounding trite.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24But...I do believe that it's nothing to be scared of.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I don't know what Heaven's like, Joan.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34But I can tell you that I will stay with you,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37and accompany you,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40until you get there.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Maybe I'm not going to Heaven.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I've done some bad things.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Shameful.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I've had a lot of sex with married men.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I think the Lord will forgive you for that.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00He won't if he doesn't exist.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Recorder!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Ugh!- Ow!- Ugh!
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Look, you can play the recorder later.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- I don't have another dress, Enid, you'll have to wear these.- No!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- I want to play the recorder!- Ohhh.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Oh, look, your lovely godfather's home from work.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20He can play with you now.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Auntie Alex needs some of her special medicine.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Recorder!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Busy day? Your child.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Recorder!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28OK.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30There you are.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33SHE PLAYS TUNELESSLY
0:16:33 > 0:16:35That's very good.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Very...loud.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- Enid, if you put your fingers on the...- My recorder!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Yes, that's funny, yeah.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46If you put your... SHE PLAYS HARSH NOTES
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Enid.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53DOORBELL RINGS
0:16:58 > 0:17:02I'm not lingering. Michel Roux Junior wants to show me his pop-up.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06But I hear you've done an exorcism.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08No.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11RECORDER PLAYS TUNELESSLY Come in. We've got a child.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Can you buy them now?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Boo.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29That's it, run along.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31So, did you banish the spirit?
0:17:31 > 0:17:36- Um... Well, I'm not sure there was a spirit to be honest. - No, really?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39You know the terrible history of Wedmore House, of course?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41No. What is the terrible history?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- You don't know it? The terrible history of Wedmore House? - No. Was it an asylum for insane nuns?
0:17:45 > 0:17:50No, your nursing home was originally London's first dentistry clinic.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Oh, was it?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Yes, it was founded by a Dr Lambings,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56who also, interestingly, was a pioneer of anaesthesia.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- And do you know what happened to Dr Lambings?- Did he get a knighthood?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04No, he experimented on himself with nitrous oxide, laughing gas,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06to which he became chronically addicted.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09And they say the ghost of poor Dr Lambings
0:18:09 > 0:18:13still wanders the corridors at Wedmore House laughing maniacally.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20And this is where you attempted your exorcism.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I admire you for messing with the dark side, Adam.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28- With forces beyond our understanding.- Thanks.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29You believe in ghosts, don't you?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Well, I don't know, kind of. Do you?
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Oh, I do.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Yes, I believe in ghosts. I've seen things.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Really? Have you? - No, of course not, you idiot.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41That story's nonsense. I just made half of it up.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Oh, I'm not saying there aren't ghosts, of course.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Who knows?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49But given that you haven't a clue what you're doing,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53will you please leave exorcisms to those who do.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56OK, sorry, yes, I will.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Good.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:19:06 > 0:19:08DOOR SLAMS
0:19:10 > 0:19:11DOORBELL RINGS
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Hi, Colin.- Hello, Adam. Got a problem with your microwave?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Thanks, Colin. I didn't know you were working now.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Yep. Me own business.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Doing very nicely.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Scorcher, isn't it?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26This should sort it.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Hang on, mate.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40You've cooked your own child.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Adam, she's gone! Where's Enid gone? You've lost her.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46What? No!
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- You've lost her?- Where is she? You'd be a terrible father. - Yes, a terrible father.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- A terrible father! - This isn't a dream.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55This is really happening. ALL: Terrible father!
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Aargh!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59The doctor will see you now.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Open wide, Adam.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Open wide for me.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Where's Enid?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- DRILL STARTS - Is she safe?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09What have you done with her?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Ahhh...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Is she safe?
0:20:12 > 0:20:16DRILL BLENDS WITH RECORDER NOISE
0:20:16 > 0:20:18ENID SCREAMS
0:20:23 > 0:20:26OK Tim, no, bad luck. Bloody French. No, no, no, it's no problem.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Just get here as soon as you can. Yeah.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Oh, no, she's lovely. No, we love her.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Yeah, OK. Bye.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35HE SIGHS
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- French are on strike. Chunnel's closed. Can we look after Enid until tonight?- That's not good enough.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42They'll have to catch a ferry or swim the Channel.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46If I have to try and dress that child once more, I will not be responsible for her injuries.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- I'll do it. Can you take her to work today?- What?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I can't take her to church.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55I've a really important meeting with the Archdeacon and English Heritage so we can have a loo put in.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- You'll have to take her to that meeting. Nigel can look after her. - I'm not leaving a child with Nigel.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04It's a really important meeting. We desperately need the loo. Can't you take her?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I'm going to Pentonville Prison
0:21:06 > 0:21:08to try and help a man who murdered his wife get a room transfer.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11RECORDER PLAYS She's your godchild.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16RECORDER PLAYS
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Enid...
0:21:20 > 0:21:23TOY MAKES LAUGHING NOISE
0:21:23 > 0:21:28- Ellie, you must know someone who can look after her.- Albert wants a drink.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Oh, no! These are vital architect's plans.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35You're a teacher, that's what you do, isn't it, look after kids for people?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- No, about two and a half hours. - Let go!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Cos we've got a meeting with the DAC about the...
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Nigel, do not hit... Sorry, I'll have to call you back. You cannot do that.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45She hit me first.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54We cannot have this child in the meeting, or we will not get our toilet. It's vital for the church.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- I want a wee-wee.- Well, maybe if you hadn't poured smoothie all over the plans,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- we might get permission to build a toilet and you could go. - BLOWS RECORDER
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Young lady...!
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- Can you take her to the loo in the park?- I don't think so. She's your godchild.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13No, wait for me. Wait for me...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Enid. Wash your hands now.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Don't touch me! Leave me alone!
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Enid!
0:22:20 > 0:22:24SHE SCREAMS
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Enid, if you stop screaming, I'll buy an ice cream.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29SHE SCREAMS
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Joan!
0:22:39 > 0:22:44- Hello, how are you? - I escaped from the asylum.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I should be watching Flog It with the lunatics, but I climbed the wall.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Who's this?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51This is my lovely god-daughter, Enid.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- You're a sweetheart, aren't you, darling?- Yes.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Yes.
0:22:55 > 0:23:01Joan, could you do me a big favour? I've got a really important meeting this afternoon...
0:23:01 > 0:23:03And you want me to take her to the park for you. Come on.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Come on now.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Bastards won't let me put in a toilet,
0:23:09 > 0:23:14simply because it means removing the memorial plaque of Sir Roger de Twatface,
0:23:14 > 0:23:19someone who no-one's ever heard of apart from two bores from English Heritage.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Bastards.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Oh, hi, Tim.- Yes, Tim's here.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Tim, how are you? Good trip?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Yes, thanks.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I do hope Enid wasn't a terrible terror.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30No, no.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32She's just, um...
0:23:32 > 0:23:33I'll just pop and get her.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36She's just...at the sandpit with Adoha.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38No worries.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I'll be back in a sec.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Joan, hi, it's Adam.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Er, I'm just on my way to get Enid from you,
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I do hope you get this.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56If she's there, could you keep her with you?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58OK, bye.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04KNOCKS AT DOOR Joan, where's Enid?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Joan...? Where's Enid? Wake up.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Oh, hello.- Where's Enid?
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Where is she?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I don't know. She was here.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Enid!
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Joan, where is she?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Where's Enid?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Enid!
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Excuse me, has anyone seen a little girl called Enid?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Five years old. She was here, friend of Joan's?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39SNORING
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Have you seen a little girl called Enid?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- She was here in Joan's room.- No.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- If you see her, keep hold of her. Don't let her go.- OK.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57'Dear Lord, where is she?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59'Where is she?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01'I've got to find her.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03'I'd be a terrible father.'
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Enid?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09'I know she's an incredibly annoying, ghastly, spoilt little girl, but please make her safe.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11'I can't believe I've done this.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13'Urgh, I feel sick.'
0:25:13 > 0:25:15FAINT LAUGHTER
0:25:15 > 0:25:16'I feel sick, I want to vomit.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22'Where's she gone?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24'What will I say to Tim?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27'They'll never forgive me if their child has been abducted.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30'I know she's really annoying, but I didn't want this.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32'What if she's...
0:25:32 > 0:25:36'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39'Oh, my god, maybe the laughing ghost has got her,
0:25:39 > 0:25:43'the lunatic drug-addled maniac dentist of Wedmore House.'
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Enid... this isn't funny. MANIACAL LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Don't be funny.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Enid?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Is that you?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11DENTIST'S DRILL SOUND
0:26:20 > 0:26:21SOUND DIES DOWN
0:26:23 > 0:26:25FAINT LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:34HE SIGHS
0:26:34 > 0:26:36'Thank you, Lord.'
0:26:36 > 0:26:38TOY MAKES LAUGHING SOUND
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Thanks so much, guys. You've gone straight to the top of our babysitting list now.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47THEY LAUGH
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Bye-bye.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57You have Albert, in case you get scared in the night.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I can't have him.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Yes, in case you see the laughing man.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Well, thank you, Enid.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Come on.- Bye-bye.- Bye.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Bye.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Bye-bye.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19'Dear Lord, please don't send me nightmares tonight.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21'I don't know if I believe in ghosts,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25'but if you choose to give us our own child...
0:27:27 > 0:27:29'..I'll give them Albert.'
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:57 > 0:27:59E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk