0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26So, any more questions on the Good Samaritan.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Yes?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Do Muslims go to heaven?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Oh, er, well, yes.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Yes, if they follow the Five Pillars of Islam.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Who knows the Five Pillars of Islam?
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Saying prayers five times a day, of course,
0:00:42 > 0:00:48giving money to those in need, making a special trip to Mecca.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49and, um...
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Oh, what are the other two? There's, er, there's two other pillars.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- Who knows them?- Ramadan.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Yes, that's right. Well, done Headmistress.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Fasting during Ramadan, and one other pillar and then yes, they'll definitely got to heaven.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Their heaven, not our heaven.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Or maybe our heavens are the same.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Who knows.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17There is no other God but Allah, and Muhammad is the messenger of God.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18I'm sorry?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22I think that's the Fifth Pillar you were looking for. The one you couldn't remember.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I might be wrong. It's your area, obviously.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36I was thinking I should go on an "Understanding Islam" course
0:01:36 > 0:01:39and I wanted to know if you could recommend any.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- You finished "Understanding Christianity"?- I want to improve my religious literacy.
0:01:43 > 0:01:49Don't you think you'd be better off doing some assertiveness training, or a basic accountancy course?
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Cos I have the care of all the Muslim souls in the parish as well as the Christian.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Yes, you don't need to lecture me. I play interfaith football with Muslims, Jews and Catholics.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58That sounds great.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02It is. In fact the only people who aren't there are the Anglicans.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- Maybe that's why I enjoy it.- Well, I'd like to get involved in that.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12Talking of your lack of religious literacy, Ellie's denominational inspection is up soon, isn't it?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Yes.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Are you going to sail through?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- Oh, yes, definitely.- Are you?
0:02:17 > 0:02:23- Yes!- Because I have never had a church school in my diocese fail a religious inspection,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26and if it did, then the level of shame and disgrace heaped upon you
0:02:26 > 0:02:31would make the Islamic vision of Sa'ir, the blazing inferno, seem like a Bishop's tea party.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- Don't worry. We'll sort it out. - Sort it out? What isn't sorted out?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- It's fine. Nothing is! Everything is!- Well, as sole clergyman on the Board of Governors,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43I hold you entirely responsible for the school's result.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- We'll pass.- We'll see.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Hi, Ellie.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- Quick thing - the hallway seems to have become a bit of shrine to football.- Yeah.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Mr Feld got all the kids to make cardboard cut-outs of their heroes.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Oh well, that's great, but I found the school cross on the floor behind it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I think it'd be better if that was up, don't you?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Yes. Sure. Sorry, Adam. God's more important than football!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Yes, he is, just about.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I only mention it because you've got your Denominational Inspection coming up.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- You're not worried, are you? - No, you'll be fine.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18No school in the diocese has ever failed it,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22but we should get together some time and skip through it all.
0:03:22 > 0:03:29- How exciting(!)- The inspector will just want to discern a distinctive Christian character about the place.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Make sure you've prioritised Jesus Christ over Jose Mourinho.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Amen. Don't you like football?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38No, I do. Au contraire. Very much so.
0:03:38 > 0:03:44In fact I'm, er, putting together a team for a multi-faith football match myself in a couple of weeks.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45You don't want to play, do you?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Do you want to see me in my shorts, Adam?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50No.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51No, no.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You could wear tracky bums.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I'll get Mr Feld to move the footballers.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- Oh, it was him, was it? - Right, who wants to play football?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01KIDS: Me!
0:04:01 > 0:04:02The kids adore him.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Oh, apparently he was in Tranmere Rovers under-16s.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08You should try and get him on your team.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19One thing we should do is start monitoring each other's assemblies
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- cos inspectors love to see how collective worship is monitored. - OK.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23KNOCK AT DOOR
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Hello.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Hi. Sorry to disturb.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Are you still happy for Year five to do a visit to the Science Museum after half term?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Yeah, if you can face logistics.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Sure, not a problem. Shall we zip through it all later over coffee?- Mm-hm.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Perhaps you could teach them all about the God particle.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Big Bang theory, the Hadron Collider. God Particle?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Oh, hi preacher.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47No, I wouldn't want to do that.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51I wouldn't want to teach them about anything there wasn't any firm proof of.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Yeah, stick to impressing them with keepy-uppy in the playground.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12You've broken it.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Sorry. Were you meditating? How long have you been doing this?
0:05:16 > 0:05:1730 seconds at a time.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20No, I mean how long have you been practising meditation?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Four days now.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- Oh!- I fell asleep in London Fields with an hangover the size of Texas
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and a mouth like a fox's arsehole.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31When I woke up, there was this medicine healing dude
0:05:31 > 0:05:35doing this therapeutic healing thing mantra for people.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37It turns out he was a Buddhist.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40It's a lovely religion, isn't it, Adam? Do you know much about it?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I know a bit. I'm a fan.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Although I prefer a religion with a god.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Well, who's this Buddha then, if he's not a god?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Spiritual teacher from Nepal, I think it was.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I thought he was a big, fat God who liked curry and cakes.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Buddhism is more a way of life.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58It's a good way of life though, isn't it?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Unlike Christianity, it's all about no violence and not telling lies.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- I got you these.- No, I've quit.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Now I'm on a Buddhist path to nirvana.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Can't tempt you to stray from the path for five minutes?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Do you mind, Vicarage?
0:06:28 > 0:06:33One name! Why hasn't anyone else signed up for our football team?
0:06:33 > 0:06:38- Cos most of your congregation are women aged 60 with hip problems? - There's just me and Steve Warwick!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40OK, you can be in goal.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41That is not a good idea.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- None of this is.- Yes, it is.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48Come on. We live in a world riven with intolerance. Sport can unify us.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Can we do bowls instead?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52No! Interfaith bowling?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Come on. I've entered us for this football match.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I wanna meet my Jewish and Muslim counterparts.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02There's a rich seam of yob violence associated with English football in a way that there isn't with bowls.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05This is flash paper you're playing with, Adam. Watch out.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10- Oh, shut up. Don't hide behind that just cos you're crap at football. - Not, not hiding.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Just saying that it could easily tip into mindless sectarian violence.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15No, come on. We need to man up here.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Part of the problem with the Church of England is it's just all too feminised.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- No, it isn't.- Yes, it is.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23It's a feminised institution.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Now, you're in goal.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Come on. We need two others.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- Colin will say yes, won't he? He'll jump at the chance of some ritualised violence.- Yes, good.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Colin, good.- Ellie?- No. I asked her.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36She was tempted, but she said no.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I'll make an announcement at the end of the service.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I'll prepare myself for the rush of names(!)
0:08:04 > 0:08:10I just think the idea that God implanted free will in the brains of slowly evolving primates,
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- seems a little unlikely. - Of course it's unlikely.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19The incredible, inexplicable, awe-inspiring beauty of god's universe
0:08:19 > 0:08:23is completely and miraculously unlikely.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Also, as far as I know,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29nobody's invaded someone else's country yet in the name of science.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- Why do people with faith make you so angry?- Don't make me angry.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Just think it's weird.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42CAR HORN BEEPS
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Argh!
0:08:50 > 0:08:56Er, is it me or is Mr Feld a bit of dick with his cool hair and his bike?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Matty? No, he's great.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59"Matty"!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Who's "Matty"?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Matthew Feld.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08Well, to my amazement I see that "Matty" did a school assembly
0:09:08 > 0:09:11on the "selfish gene" last week.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- It was very good. - Perhaps I haven't made myself clear.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18You need to take this Denominational Inspection seriously. Atheist assemblies on Dawkins
0:09:18 > 0:09:20are not appropriate in a church school.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Matthew said that he was a Catholic when we appointed him.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25He lied. He's clearly a rabid atheist.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- He was brought up a Catholic. - He shouldn't have been appointed.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Yes, he should, cos he's a brilliant teacher.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35He's taken my difficult year five and raised them six points in a term.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37That is extraordinary. Now sit.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I monitored your assembly this morning.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Oh, good. And I did yours on Monday.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49What mark did you give me?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Erm, I gave you a one for outstanding.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- Oh.- I thought the children were engaged and you gave a good opportunity for spiritual reflection.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01- Hmm. Thank you. I gave you a four for unsatisfactory.- What?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05I thought the kids weren't engaged. It was a bit "whatevs". That's what Courtney in year five said.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10OK, well the good thing is we're monitoring each other.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13That's what the inspectors will want to see.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Er, although if you did give me a one,
0:10:15 > 0:10:20it would make it look as if there was better religious content of assemblies and help you pass.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24OK, well, in that case, I'll put a one.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26You were outstanding. Well, done.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27KNOCK AT DOOR
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Hi. Sorry.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- Three of the kids are ill, so I'm moving the rock band club to Tuesday, OK?- Yeah, that's fine.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Oh, and babes, don't forget we've got dinner tonight with Mark and Siobhan.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- Sure, see you later.- Er, Matthew, could you do me a favour?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Could you put this cross up in the staff room? There's a denominational inspection coming up
0:10:45 > 0:10:49and it would be a real help, wouldn't it, Ellie?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Yeah, sure. Where do you want it, Ells?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Over the door to the loo, is that the best place for it?
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Leave it here. I'll do it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Can I remind you that this is a Church of England school
0:11:01 > 0:11:04with a Christian foundation, ethos and mission statement.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Yes, I know that. A C of E school where 60% of the kids are Muslim.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Well, he needs to watch it.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15You need to take him in hand or he could jeopardise your inspection.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18OK Adam, I will take him in hand later.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- How many of these wives are coming? - Five, I think. Five vicars' wives.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Why did I say yes, to this?- I bet you enjoy.- Bet you I don't.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I want to cut my head off with boredom already.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34- Are you still happy to help with food for the football tomorrow?- Yes. - We've got to get it right,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36we can't offend anyone, so no shellfish and no pork.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- Well, I'll cancel the lobsters. - Ha ha ha(!)
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- If there's any meat, it's got to be halal.- Don't worry. I'll do a big boring vegetable curry.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46OK. Good. Great. Just make it really, really bland.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Now, where am I gonna get my final player from?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49DOORBELL RINGS
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Tits! That's the first wife.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54They're early. Who comes early?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Mm. You're the nasty one.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Is nice vicar fella, what's his name in?- Not now, Mick, I'm afraid.
0:12:01 > 0:12:07Wait. What it is, right, I live a couple of doors down here and my wife is ill at the moment, poor cow.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Not cow. "Thing", yeah, and I need a taxi to get her there before nurse kills her
0:12:11 > 0:12:14so, if you can lend your neighbour 20 quid?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Mick, I have a sneaky feeling you might spend the money on drugs.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Mm. Drugs for her, yeah, to help her get better, yeah.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23So if you lend me, since we're friends?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Mick, I love the fact that we're friends, and I'm sorry your wife is ill,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29but we all have our crosses to bear.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Mine right now is that I have to do drinks and nibbles for five very dull women, so would you please...
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- And come back tomorrow. OK? - No, no, wait. Come on, my wife's ill at the moment.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42She's gonna die. I love her so much.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Mick...
0:12:44 > 0:12:45can you play football?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48If you come and play football with me tomorrow,
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- you'll get free lunch and I'll buy whatever you're selling. - What'd I have to do?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Just be here tomorrow at nine. That's all you've got to do.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Nine? Got it, yeah. Nine, and I get £40, £50, yeah?
0:12:59 > 0:13:04Nine in the morning, Mick. In the morning.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Of course, vicar!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Count on me.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Come on in.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Er, it's not fancy dress, is it?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Do you all dress up?- No.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I am a vicar. Married to a vicar.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25- Oh! Darling, er, this is Juliette, who in addition to being married to a vicar, is also a vicar.- Oh!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Nice to meet you. What are the chances?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I know. Quite high.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Three of us coming tonight have been ordained.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36We're like doctors that way, aren't we?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Well, you girls have fun.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I'm off to write my sermon.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42So, would you like a drink?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Two and a half grand, then someone nicks it.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52MUSIC AND LAUGHTER AUDIBLE
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Then the nun said to St Peter, "If you think I'm gonna gargle with it
0:13:59 > 0:14:03"after she's stuck her arse in it, you're very wrong!"
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- Hi. Hi.- Stuck her arse in it!
0:14:05 > 0:14:12Er, I'm just off to bed now, so nice to meet you all and, er, see you again some time!
0:14:15 > 0:14:16I've got a brilliant one.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19MUSIC AND CHATTER AUDIBLE
0:14:22 > 0:14:26'Oh, they're making so much noise, it's really annoying.'
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Oh!
0:14:32 > 0:14:37'Dear Lord, why is Ellie going out with that twatty Matty man?
0:14:37 > 0:14:43'With those stupid jeans he wears that show his pants, and go all tight at the bottom.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45'What do you call those jeans?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48'Why do people think they look so cool, when they don't?
0:14:48 > 0:14:53'I genuinely don't understand why people think they look so cool.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58'And his stupid single speed bike with his tiny handle bars.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03'I know it's none of my business, but I think she might be making a real error of judgement.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06'Really looking forward to the multi-faith football tomorrow.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11'I don't mind if we lose, but I really hope we make a mark and impress people.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14'I must make sure the ecumenical curry is good.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18'Why won't Alex shut up? Right, I'm gonna go and tell her to shut up.'
0:15:20 > 0:15:21LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Darling, hi. Er, sorry, I don't mean to break things up at all.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- You off to bed again?- No, I just want to remind you I've got inter-faith football in the morning.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Yeah, I'm only making curry for some fat dads. It's not a UN conference.
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Ha! No it's just we need to leave early, we need to make the curry and it's nearly three now.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I'm just saying you've got to make a lot of curry in the morning.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44That's all. Up to you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46MUSIC CONTINUES
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Hello Colin. Feeling fit?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Yes, thanks. This is my Buddhist friend John.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- He's gonna help me serve the food today.- OK, great.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Well, we've got the ecumenical curry.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15It's all kosher and halal and wheat-free.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Oh, you look rough as, Mrs Vicarage.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- Are you playing in that? - No, I'm not playing.- What?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Yes. No, we need you in the team.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28I don't believe in competitive sports now. I'm trying to build up my good karma.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Also, I'm not even sure if football is real.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34It might just be something that we perceive as real...?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Colin, we need you. You said you'd play. We're only four players!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I never said I'd play. You all just assumed I would.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Nigel, did you ask Colin if he'd play football?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45No, I just assumed he would.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I don't do things like that now. Anyway, you've got five players.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53There's you, posh man, the crackhead, Nigel and your wife.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Alex isn't playing. She can't play.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Why not? - She's a girl. She'll be rubbish.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Right OK, thanks, Colin.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Would you like to play? - Fucking will play, and I'll be better than you.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Great.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Hello. Hi. Hi.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Hello, I'm, er, the Reverend Adam Smallbone. Hello. Hello.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Hello, hi, how are you. This is our first time.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It's a lot of fun isn't it?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Hi, hi, I'm, er, Father Adam.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22We're from St Saviour's...
0:17:22 > 0:17:24the Anglicans, in case you hadn't worked that out.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- Right. Hi.- We're serving a curry for everyone afterwards if you want something to eat.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33- We're waiting for the Catholics, they're running late. - Yeah, because they're Italian!
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Lutherans would be right on time, wouldn't they?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- No, the 406 is solid.- Oh, is it.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Oh, right.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Well, this is fun, isn't it?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Bit of fun. Multi-faith Britain. Yeah, we never had this in Suffolk.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53There they are... Vatican City.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Shit, they look good. - Yeah, they're the team to beat.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Do you bother with a ref at these things?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Good morning, everyone. Assalamu'alaikum.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Buongiorno. Shalom, ma nishma.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Great to see you all.- We're just waiting for our last player.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Let's get cracking, Mario. I've got lunch at the Wolseley.
0:18:17 > 0:18:23Hi to the newbies. Don't expect any preferential treatment from me, Reverend Smallbone.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Today my Bible is the FA code of conduct.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28HE BLOWS WHISTLE
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Here he is.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35He's not Catholic! I know for a fact he's an atheist.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37They've brought a ringer.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- Well, Matty's always played for the Catholics.- I bet he has.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44You know he was in Tranmere Rovers under 16s.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I know. It takes all five of us to man-mark him.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51- All right, mate.- All right. - Hello, your Grace. I didn't know this sort of thing was your speed.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Yeah it is. Very much so.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58- Hello, Ellie.- Hi. - Didn't know you were a bike rider.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Yeah. Matty built it for me.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Fits her beautifully.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Shall we go and knock up?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09First up, St Saviour's versus Dalston Synagogue.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Where's Mick?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Someone find Mick. We're on. Mick!
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Here I am.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Come on you Christians!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Come on you Christians!
0:19:30 > 0:19:331-0 Dalston Synagogue.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- WHISTLE BLOWS - That was another goal!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54WHISTLE BLOWS
0:19:54 > 0:19:564-0!
0:19:59 > 0:20:00My ball, Mr Vicar!
0:20:00 > 0:20:05And it's Mick to Mick. It's Mickety Mick. It's amazing Mick. Shoots!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- Scores!- What are you doing, Mick!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- I've just scored. - That was an own goal!
0:20:13 > 0:20:14It's only a game, eh?
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Next up, Canonbury Mosque versus St Saviours.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Come on Adam. Adam!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Mick, Mick!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Referee!
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Nigel!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Ah, ah, ah, thank you.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50BLOWS WHISTLE
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Next up our Lady of Providence v Canonbury Mosque.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Hi. Listen, unless you better communicate that the school's leadership is broadly Christian,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04then I think you're in real danger of failing the inspection on Monday.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Yes! Well, done Matty. Great goal!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Offside!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12No school in the diocese has ever failed the inspection
0:21:12 > 0:21:16and I don't think you fully realise the level of shame and disgrace that can come your way if you fail.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19The shame and disgrace that will come my way or your way?
0:21:19 > 0:21:25- The parents care more about Ofsted than the Denominational Inspections. - You're completely wrong about that,
0:21:25 > 0:21:30- and the diocese can make you take the test again and again and again if you fail.- Nice move!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32And your boyfriend is in danger of getting sacked.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37What on earth were you thinking of letting a member of your staff refuse to teach RE?
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Your personal life's completed clouded your professional judgement. - No. Yours has.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Well done, honey!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Come on team. We haven't won a single game.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Because we haven't scored a single goal.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- I scored one. - Yeah, in the wrong net.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01This is our last chance. The Catholics are clearly the best.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05If we can beat them, then we'll be heroes, so let's do it. Do it. Do it!
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Do it for me, do it for yourselves, do it for St Saviours,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12but most of all, let's do it for our kind liberal God,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14who loves women and gays
0:22:14 > 0:22:20and not their vain, tasteless, demanding god who loves gold and supported the Nazis.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22And someone hobble Matty!
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Come on!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Nigel, what was that?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38You drip. You're shit!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Keep your eyes open! Man up! Put your sports face on!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44We're gonna get humiliated here!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Come on!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Oh, dear, god has forsaken you!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Oh, they've lost their shape.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Hey, foul!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Play on.- Referee! Foul! You don't know what you're doing!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04You don't know what you're doing!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Would you like some lentils? - Fuck off!
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- Nothing after death, Adam. Just you wait and see.- You wait and see!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Alex, you all right? Hold it, lads. She's not well.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Do you need to sit down?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22ALEX COUGHS AND RETCHES
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- You OK?- I'm fine, thanks.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Come on, vicarage... Come on Adam!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Go on mate, go on. Go on!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Come on!
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Yes, yes!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Goal! Goal! Goal!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49BLOWS WHISTLE
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- We stopped playing.- There was no whistle. Play to the whistle.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Not my fault that you stopped. Ha! Oh, yes.- Goal stands.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Loser, loser, loser.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04No, it's just 1-1.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07HUBBUB
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Hey! Come on!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15ARGUING CONTINUES
0:24:21 > 0:24:23BLOWS WHISTLE
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Full time!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Are you coming next week?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40The inspector's arrived. You still doing your assembly on the Good Samaritan?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Yes. Where's Matthew today? He wasn't in your staff meeting.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- Er, not here yet. It doesn't matter. Kate's got year five first.- Er, no.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51There was a clear directive that every teacher needs to be in for this assembly.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- He's deliberately failed to turn up to undermine me.- No he hasn't. - < Oh, yes, good morning.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Right, there's the inspector. Given everything you've told me about the importance of this,
0:24:59 > 0:25:04your assembly this morning better get a one for bloody brilliant.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Ah! Good morning.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10CHILD SOBS
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Are you all right?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Mr Feld fell off his bike.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Oh, dear.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27He's dead.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28A lorry killed him.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41It's very difficult to know
0:25:41 > 0:25:45what to say at times like this.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50We won't be seeing Mr Feld
0:25:50 > 0:25:52again here...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56..because Matthew's gone somewhere else now.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Matthew didn't believe in heaven...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04..but I do.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I don't know what it is...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13..but I do know a story that gives me an idea.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15It's a story
0:26:15 > 0:26:21about a lot of little...bugs that lived at the bottom of a river
0:26:21 > 0:26:23and every now and then,
0:26:23 > 0:26:29one of the bugs would crawl up a plant up through the water into the light,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32and he'd never be seen again by his friends.
0:26:34 > 0:26:40And one day, one special little bug felt that he wanted to crawl up the plant too.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42So he did.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46He crawled up the plant, through the water, into the light...
0:26:47 > 0:26:53..and he turned into an amazing colourful dragonfly...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57..and he flew around the air,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59and he was the happiest he'd ever been.
0:27:01 > 0:27:07But when he tried to fly back down into the water to tell his bug friends how wonderful it was,
0:27:07 > 0:27:08he found he couldn't.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14He couldn't get down into the water any more, because...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16he wasn't a bug any more.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18He was a dragonfly.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22And this upset him...
0:27:24 > 0:27:28..until he remembered that one day,
0:27:28 > 0:27:32all his friends would crawl up the plant too, and join him in the sun.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:50 > 0:27:52E-mail Subtitling@bbc.co.uk