0:00:08 > 0:00:14This programme contains some strong language
0:00:28 > 0:00:30You don't find it too routine?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32God, no, it's exciting.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Cos according to that article,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37people are always trying to predict when the woman's ovulating
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- and spend thousands on IVF. - Idiots.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- When what they should be doing is having sex every day.- Like us.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43It's recommended.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Good, I recommend it.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47DISTANT BANG
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Did you leave the back door open?
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Ah, I'd better go and check.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Could you look a bit more upset, please?
0:00:52 > 0:00:53I am upset.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I said this would happen with the chocolate, people will stroll in.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It's Colin!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Won't keep you, Vicarage, I've got to get back to the AA meeting.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Bloke from Swansea's talking about being eyed-up by this guy
0:01:10 > 0:01:11in a foster home.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Don't want to miss the ending. There used to be a Star Bar in here.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Have you joined Alcoholics Anonymous, Colin?
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Hm, a wonderful organisation.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20No, I know.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You get to listen to all these sad stories
0:01:22 > 0:01:24and then you tell your one.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26At the end, the one with the saddest story,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28that's the one everyone's nicest to.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Last time, there was this fat bird with abandonment issues,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33don't fancy her chances tonight, though.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Isn't it supposed to be mutual support, Colin?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37It's not a competition.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41It won't be when I hit them with the time that me nan swapped me Subbuteo
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- for a bottle of Dubonnet. - PHONE RINGS
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- Was the worst Christmas ever.- Yeah?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Nigel, calm down.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52Well, is it a sort of emergency that can wait till tomorrow morning?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56OK, well you'd better be on fire or bleeding.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Colin, I've just got to get dressed.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Darling, I'm really sorry,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04but you haven't stopped drinking though, have you, Colin?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I'm focused on me steps right now.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I've admitted I'm powerless over alcohol.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Oh, hello, Mick, no petrol can tonight?
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Evening, Vicar, nah, see what it is, yeah...
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Actually, enormous rush, Mick, sorry.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21You're planning on giving up at some point, though?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I'll be an alcoholic for the rest of my life, Adam.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25AA's helped me to accept that.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I think the idea's to accept it, with a view to not drinking.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- That's not come up. - It's implied.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31'Scuse me, Reverend.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Walk faster, act like he's not here.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Yeah, you see what it is, I've been doing some thinking.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38No, he hasn't, junkie scum.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Yeah, cos I've been on a career break.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Prison.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43They said I took some Italian ham out of Tesco Metro.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Wants his hands chopping off.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Gave me time to reflect, though.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Try stealing Italian ham in Saudi Arabia.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52They're not big on ham in Saudi Arabia, so it wouldn't arise.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Upside is, I'm clean. - Really?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Yeah, yeah, three weeks today.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00What it is though, I need money to stay off the drugs, it's ironic.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01It is very ironic.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05On my life, Vicar, it's harder now, I need to stay off the streets.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07This is good, you've never used this before.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I thought it was going to be an important train journey that
0:03:10 > 0:03:13you needed a ticket for or a baby in need of disposable nappies.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Shouldn't you leave that there, Colin.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- Evening, Clive.- All right.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I'd love to help you with £90 for a hotel
0:03:20 > 0:03:22or whatever it is you're working up to, but I don't have it.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25And as you should know by now, we don't give out cash.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28But if you come by the vicarage later I'll make you a cup of tea.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30There might even be a Twix left.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31There's not.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It's, it's the routine, isn't it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Negotiate the deal,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39close the deal,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42celebrate the deal,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46get slaughtered on '82 Pomerel.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Get in a fight with the maitre d',
0:03:49 > 0:03:53then the wife calls, "Why am I raising this family single handed?"
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Ah, sheer monotony of the club,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58the inevitable Ukrainian underwear model.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02And waking up next to the inevitable Ukrainian underwear model.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I mean, I know it sounds great,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07it sounds fantastic...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10but, uh, no.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Did you want to speak?
0:04:16 > 0:04:21There is a £147 and 45 pence hole in the parish fund.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Clearly you're upset or somehow excited,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25but this is a bureaucratic emergency
0:04:25 > 0:04:27and I specifically asked you if it could wait.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Here's the total that came in on collection plates.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Hmm.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Here is what's there in cash.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35More chocolate.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38What are you doing? This is what I'm talking about.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- This hole needs filling by Monday. - Why Monday?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Because the Archdeacon's visitation is on Monday.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Yeah, well, the Archdeacon knows perfectly well
0:04:47 > 0:04:50to get the church fund anywhere near miserably pathetic,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54most Sundays half my stipend goes into that collection plate.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56So, you're going to say it all goes the same way.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Good axe, robbing Peter to pay Paul.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Or buy him chocolate, yes.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02No, bad. Do not say any of that.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05If you confess to theft from a registered charity,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08the Archdeacon will refer you to tribunal, he always does.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11What theft? There's no theft, it's my money.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13This kind of thing ends careers
0:05:13 > 0:05:14and you're not dragging me down with you.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Excuse me, what went on here?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Him, did his life story, grim.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Didn't know whether to cry or to throw up.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I'm going to run something by you.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36He's actually sober?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37No, still smells.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42My idea, I pitched this to the chairman, but he couldn't see it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Because I spilt my guts up there - did Lehman's,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48did the bonus tax, how that crimped, very little back.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- None of this is really my... - Very little.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- I don't think they get it. - I have to get back to my wife.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Oh, OK. Leaf out of the dating agency's book -
0:05:56 > 0:05:58like-minded groups.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01One group, 250K up, high-end professionals,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05other group (don't want to say), street scum.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Do you want to think about it?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Mick's given up drugs.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Good for Mick.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23He told me he'd given up, I completely dismissed him.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27I thought it was another scam. He just went to AA.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28I thought he was a crack addict.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Maybe he's an alcoholic and uses crack as a pick-me-up.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Why did all those alcoholics see that he was sincere and I didn't?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Are you talking to me or to God?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Somebody asked me for help and I offered them a Twix.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Is God supposed to have sex with you tonight
0:06:40 > 0:06:42and be up at six in the morning?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Maybe Nigel's not the bureaucrat, maybe it's me who's the bureaucrat.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Come on.- I am.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54ALARM BEEPS
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I've got an NGO liaison today. It could go late,
0:07:03 > 0:07:04so we've got ten minutes.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Seriously?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Yes, sex every day, daily, on a daily basis.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11- Sorry!- No, it's fine.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Hang on a minute.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Mick, Mick!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Oh, thank God.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I'm cold, so cold.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Mick, I wanted to say that...
0:07:49 > 0:07:50It's so cold.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Yes.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53So, so cold.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Is it, is it that cold? I, I don't have my coat.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Cold on the ground.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Oh, yes, yes, come on.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I'm so sorry you had to sleep rough, Mick.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Also, I wanted to apologise for dismissing you like that last night.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Oh, it's cool, you couldn't tell.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15So many times I've fooled you into it, innit,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17you're thinking is this for real,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20or is it another one of Mick's elaborate cons?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I'm not sure elaborate is exactly...
0:08:22 > 0:08:23That thing with the petrol can,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I don't even have a driving licence.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28The can's a diversion.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31You got a can , you don't need the car,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34you see the can, half my job's done.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37You're like, this bloke has a car.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Come on.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Oh, hello, it's Adam Smallbone here from St Saviour's.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I wonder if I could talk to someone about a hostel placement.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I want to help.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Yes, I can hold, yeah.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53We need to talk about the discrepancy.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55There was one thing.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I find the gospels have people quite central to the ministry,
0:08:58 > 0:08:59more so than accountancy.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- In the meetings... - If you don't solve this by Monday,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03you won't have a ministry.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05There's a great deal of accountancy in Luke.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06This thing keeps coming up.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08It's all over Corinthians.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Let go and let God, make a decision to turn our lives over to God.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13OK.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Ask God to remove our shortcomings, yeah?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- Yes.- It's not going to go away.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Mick, certainly some people regard the higher power
0:09:22 > 0:09:25as a conventionally perceived God, others...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27What's in the Bible?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34..and so Adam and Eve weren't allowed in the garden any more.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Bet there were drugs on that tree.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38There's apples.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Yeah, drug apples, had to be.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43That's why God's pissed off.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"You touched my stash, see you around here again I cut you, blood."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I've had that plenty of times.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- Yes, I can keep holding.- "No, you can't have your clothes back,
0:09:52 > 0:09:57"now cover your things and move." I love this Bible.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59That's not all the Bible.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01The rest you might want to read,
0:10:01 > 0:10:06while I discuss some pressing financial concerns with the vicar.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I get it, there's a hole in the accounts, we will deal with it.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- Why should I deal with it? It's your hole.- Fine, I'll deal with it.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Fantastic, thank you very much indeed.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Fucking Herod! Ah, I'm sorry, man, but this guy...
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Good news, I've managed to find an emergency bed at Crossways Hostel.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Talked to a nice lady there,
0:10:30 > 0:10:34you'll have your own room, they'll get you a key worker,
0:10:34 > 0:10:38they have counsellors in-house, you can get on their programme
0:10:38 > 0:10:41and from there you can move on to more permanent accommodation.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Thank you, reverend.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Adam.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Thank you.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Bed comes up in two days.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Two days?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Is that going to be a problem?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Where should I stay for two days?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Isn't there a friend you could stay with?
0:10:55 > 0:11:01Hmm, there is one friend. I used to crash at his place but, I don't know.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05There's a lot of coming and going, people lying around, druggy element.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I mean, I say "friend", but he has some strict house rules.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10If you want to stay over, you have to buy crack.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Is it a crack house?
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Hmm. It's a crack house.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18So...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21..help yourself.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Thank you.- No, really.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28It's two nights.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Yeah, you mentioned that in your text message. Unbelievable.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh, I'm sorry, I should have phoned.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35No, you should have not done it.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I say to you I don't like people strolling into our house
0:11:37 > 0:11:40and you've taken that filthy Mick into the spare room.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41I can't turn my back on this,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44otherwise I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm for.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Hi, Mick.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Thinking about taking better care of my teeth.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Got myself one of these.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Ah, a toothbrush.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56It says twice a day.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Yeah.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Thank you.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Is it potato now?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's any order.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Thank you.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23You're welcome, you don't need to thank us for every mouthful.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Is it vegetables now?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26It really is any order.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Could I go online later?
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Sure.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Think my sex drive's coming back.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I'm just saying, we came to a decision and now this.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44We won't conceive while I'm teaching Mick how to brush his teeth.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46We can do that when he's at NA.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Ah, just when you think things can't get any more romantic.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53It's two days. He's had such a difficult life.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54And now he's in our house.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I interviewed a serial rapist today. Didn't ask him round.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Look, OK, I'm trying to make sense of what I'm doing.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04What is charity, for example?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Because sometimes it feels like just on-going Halloween -
0:13:08 > 0:13:11people come to the door in strange costumes,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14they get chocolate and then it's, "Next."
0:13:14 > 0:13:19That's giving alms, but I feel I'm called upon to do more.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20TV: "And now on BBC Two,
0:13:20 > 0:13:24'two teams battle it out on University Challenge.'
0:13:24 > 0:13:26SHE TURNS UP VOLUME
0:13:26 > 0:13:28MUSIC: "University Challenge" theme
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Alex, I've been wondering, have you got any...spare cash?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34What?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36It doesn't matter.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Psst.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Oh, for God's sake.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Psst, Adam?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Yes, Mick.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48OK, if we're going to do this, we have to get Sky plus.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Adam. Can I have a word please?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Sure.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Outside.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Sorry.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04I'm feeling it bad, Adam, very cravey.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06OK.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07I miss sucking on a pipe.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13I miss the lifestyle, you know, being a con artist.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Just a little bit, sit.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Can we have a pray?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Absolutely.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Dear Lord.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28No talking.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31<...infectious diseases, Bristol.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33< Which disease is caused by Borrelia species
0:14:33 > 0:14:37< and is transmitted to humans by a tic from its reservoir in mammals,
0:14:37 > 0:14:38< such as rodents and deer?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Lyme disease.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42< The bubonic plague.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45< It's Lyme disease. Secondly, which...
0:14:52 > 0:14:56One pair of 36-inch candlesticks, brass.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Three pairs of 16-inch brass, one chalice, well in use.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Archdeacon, the visitation's not till Monday.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08A window opened, my barber cancelled last minute -
0:15:08 > 0:15:11emergency home visit to Simon Schama.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Thought I'd make a start on the heavy lifting before Monday.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Nigel's been telling me about your crisis.- Ah, which one?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Standard issue stuff,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23"Am I an apparatchik in an unfeeling machine? What's it all for?"
0:15:23 > 0:15:25What would Jesus do?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Thank you, Nigel.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Yes, I glazed over towards the end.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Anyway, I make that 88 hassocks, Archdeacon Robert,
0:15:33 > 0:15:34did you want to count them?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Do I look like I want to count your hassocks?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40The thing is, I'm not sure the accounts are quite ready.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42So, anticipate chaos?
0:15:42 > 0:15:43It won't be chaos.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Bookkeeping itself will be faultless, Archdeacon.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50If your money management is as depressingly below average
0:15:50 > 0:15:51as some of your other skills,
0:15:51 > 0:15:55you'll have been counting out of Christian Aid envelopes all year.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Absolutely not.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Because you know how seriously that kind of thing is taken.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00How seriously?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Put it this way,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04there's a vicar currently resident at Wandsworth Prison
0:16:04 > 0:16:05and he's not the chaplain.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13Let's defer the pleasure of the accounts until Monday,
0:16:13 > 0:16:14and, uh, press on.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18See you Monday, Archdeacon Robert.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22I wasn't clear that the vicarage was actually part of the visitation.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28This is interesting.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29- Hello, Archdeacon. - Alexandra.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Hello, darling.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32My Freeview box has arrived.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I see, and is that the man from the installation company?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Yes.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Hello, Adam.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Oooh, she told him your name.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Pause, rewind. It works.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I can't believe it works.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52First day, possibly.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Could you series link the Big C please,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Mr Freeview installation man.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Oh, man, no adult channel.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Guys we might have to upgrade.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Ha ha, they're all like that, apparently.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Nigel's already told me about your house guest.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Well, it's only till a hostel place turns up.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Stupid.- Well, fine.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19OK, maybe I am being stupid,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21maybe it's not the logical thing to do,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23but do you know what else was illogical?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Hanging out with lepers.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Oh, dear!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27No, because that's the real miracle, isn't it,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30seeing the human in other people, in the outcast?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32That's the one thing that...
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Don't say Jesus. - ..Jesus did, that we can emulate.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39We can't change water into wine, but he said it himself.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Looking into the heart of the lame man
0:17:41 > 0:17:43is a bigger deal than making him walk.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46You're saying, you're Jesus, is that it?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I'm not, no.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Well, because it's come across very Reverend Jim Jones,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55so I suppose if you led your congregation to mass suicide,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59they'd hardly have to stockpile the fizzy drinks, would they?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Probably just share a mixer can.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Oh, one more thing, Our Lord,
0:18:07 > 0:18:12if your accounts are out by so much as 50p on Monday,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16I get to crucify you.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24'Could you guide me, Lord? Towards money, if possible.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26'And also could you help me to understand
0:18:26 > 0:18:30'why everything has to keep coming down to what's in petty cash.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33'I mean, what do you want, a bookkeeper or a priest?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35'It's just seems ridiculous.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40'Are there vicars who are good bookkeepers and good priests?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43'If there are, could you help me to be more like them, please, Lord?'
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Haven't you heard of an implicit contract, morons. Don't go in there.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52No. It's Marcus, isn't it?
0:18:52 > 0:18:56They don't know the first thing about ethics. OK.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58When a stripper takes £150 tip,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01is there or is there not a blowjob implied?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- I'm not a legal expert. - It's understood, right?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05My wife's a lawyer,
0:19:05 > 0:19:06I'm not sure she'd want to take your case,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09cos mightn't blowjobs contravene their "no touching" policy.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Let's get shitfaced.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I shouldn't really, sperm count issues.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Did you just give somebody £150 tip? - Yeah.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"No touching", that's like when the masseuse says,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"It's strictly not a sexual service,"
0:19:23 > 0:19:25everyone knows what that means.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I'm guessing the AA thing didn't work out?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Another bloody swizz.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Two meetings I sat through and still drink like a fish.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Why are we here?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I wonder if I could talk to you about some of the community work
0:19:38 > 0:19:39we do with the church.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41There's this constant need for help, you see,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44and it's only getting bigger with the economic downturn.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Don't, don't, because I see it on a daily basis,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- the things people go through.- Yes.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Expenses sheets queried, flying economy.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Hmm. We're doing some, I think, exceptionally valuable work.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59We had to cancel the car service, Adam.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02You can't call a cab to the building anymore,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05you have to go out in the street and hail one, like a bastard.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I think I meant more the street people
0:20:07 > 0:20:09who congregate around the church,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13some of whom you'll have seen the other night at the meeting.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- I know what you're trying to do. - You do?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19You're trying to depress me into giving up booze again.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Actually, no.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26I have this hole in my accounts. It's really a crazy situation,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29but if I can't somehow plug that hole, then my position,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31you see, all that valuable work is...
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Rory
0:20:32 > 0:20:33..under threat.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Emergency with the weather. What are the chances of snowfall?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41The snow melted. I don't know where we are.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Darling, what's the postcode here?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47E9.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49You hear that, hmm, I know,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52breathing apparatus, decontamination suit.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59The whole country's after a hand-out. What does that breed?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Total lack of fiscal responsibility.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Yes, Marcus, could I please have £150?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I'm short in my church accounts.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14There are people who depend on me in a genuinely life and death sense,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17but I have no money and it's lovely that you have this disposable income
0:21:17 > 0:21:20and I'm sure that's about expertise and hard work.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25It's just this small amount to you would make a massive difference.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28You've just pissed on our friendship.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I can't believe that you'd ask a mate for money.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Ah, there.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36All right, mate.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Come on, matey.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Easy, easy. Come on.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47# Rolling in the deep #
0:21:47 > 0:21:52# You had my heart inside of your hand
0:21:52 > 0:21:56# And you played it to the beat
0:21:56 > 0:22:00# You could have had it all. #
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Is your friend buying drugs in these premises, Adam?
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Sorry, Gemma.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06It's not even a DJ night.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- What?- They called while you were out, it's gone.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- What?- There is no more hostel.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18The council held an emergency funding meeting last night,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20withdrew their grant as of noon today.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23How do they expect homeless people to stop being homeless,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25if they keep shutting down the homeless hostels?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Big Society. Big Shit, they should have called it.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31They said he could go on a council list.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35"Difficult to rent accommodation can come up in three to six months."
0:22:38 > 0:22:40You said two days.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46KNOCKING
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Mick?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Shh, good bit.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Mick, we should talk.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Yes.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56He's not really dead.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59You think he's dead, but he's not.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00He is dead for a bit.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05But he comes back. He has lunch.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07It's the same as me and crack, Adam.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11He rolls back a rock, right?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16A rock - and everything's fine.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Well...
0:23:18 > 0:23:20What?
0:23:23 > 0:23:28Identifying with Jesus is just such a problematic business,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31because I suppose you have your big moments, don't you?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37But there's miracles and... and there's everything else.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40It's just...
0:23:42 > 0:23:46I'm not sure that life becomes this perfect, clean thing...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48ever.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Is that what you wanted to talk about?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54No.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Phew.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Miracles abound.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Yes, I meant to say I have a slight ache in my left shoulder blade.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Perhaps I could touch the hem of your garment?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Ha-ha, very funny!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I'm glad everything's back to normal.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I'll just see the Archdeacon out,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32then we can reflect on the week's events.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Mick's gone.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49He left the Freeview box, which I thought was quite sweet of him.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51It's not the same without a telly.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I can't watch QI now.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56What shall we do instead?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Blimey.- Gosh.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Where'd that come from?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09We're just, we're very good at sex, especially me.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I think as well it was all that tension.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Having Mick in the house?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Yeah, that release of tension, I'm so glad he's gone.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18So am I.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21If you want, there's some people in that AA group,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23we could invite them in and build tension.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Don't joke about it yet.- OK.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38What I did was, I took...
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Well, no, I stole money from you,
0:25:43 > 0:25:44which is a terrible thing,
0:25:44 > 0:25:48and also it was taking advantage of you when you were indisposed.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Yeah, I don't care about that.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Really?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I knew. I'm an investment banker.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I know when my wallet is 150 quid light.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Well, I must say you're being...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00..less of a coked-up dickhead than you expected?
0:26:00 > 0:26:01I'm back in the programme.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Oh, terrific.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06False start before, that relapse there,
0:26:06 > 0:26:07you know what I blame that on?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Lack of humility?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Other people.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15I don't know, maybe they're right, maybe I am more of a tosser sober.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Unlikely, potentially impossible.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Nobody wants to deal with Marcus the person, Marcus the human being.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I am a human being.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I know you are, yeah, and I'm glad you're back in AA.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31I imagine I'll be seeing you around the church, maybe even on Sundays?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Christ, no, I don't go here.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- I found a group up in Notting Hill. - Oh, nice.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Yeah, good bunch, much more me.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Next door to a model agency,
0:26:42 > 0:26:43so wall-to-wall pussy.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47No, I only came to give you the repayment schedule on the 150.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Interest kicks in at the end of the month.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04£7.25.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Ah, I've only got £7.15
0:27:06 > 0:27:08£7.25
0:27:17 > 0:27:19There, put that one back.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Do you have to scan them all again?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Yeah, I do.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- You can't just take the one... - No, I can't.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I'm glad everything's back to normal.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Me, too.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48See you later, Vicarage.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55'About Mick, Lord, I did try to do more than give alms,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58'it's just Alex wasn't having any of it, was she? You saw yourself.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00'I mean, I'm in a difficult situation.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05'Supposed to balance family needs with parishioners and it's not easy.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08'And yes, OK, maybe it is nice to have our home back,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11'and maybe I do find it easier to deal with Mick the crack addict
0:28:11 > 0:28:13'than Mick the human being.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17'Don't see why Mick shouldn't get another shot at recovery,
0:28:17 > 0:28:18'Marcus did.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21'Could you look after him, Lord, and take care of him?
0:28:21 > 0:28:26'I still have to find that 150, don't I?'
0:28:26 > 0:28:29See what it is, yeah, I'm a taxi driver,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31but my car ran out of petrol, so...
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0:28:48 > 0:28:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk