0:00:07 > 0:00:11# I couldn't hear nobody pray
0:00:13 > 0:00:16- # If I couldn't hear nobody pray - On the mountain
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- # I couldn't hear nobody pray - In the valleys
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #
0:00:24 > 0:00:27SHE HUMS TUNE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29What are you listening to?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Joan?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35What are you listening to?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39What are you listening to?
0:00:39 > 0:00:45Oh, this and that, you know, music from my life. Just after the war.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- Do you know Dizzy Gillespie? - Yeah, yeah.
0:00:48 > 0:00:54I met one of his trombonists. He was a wonderful man. Oh, what a talent.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57One night, he took me back to his room at the Savoy.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Oh, we talked all night about jazz and the war.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03We smoked American cigarettes,
0:01:03 > 0:01:07we drank Champagne and then he ravished me on the sofa.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Oh, it was lovely.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Come on, come and dance with me. Here, listen, listen, listen, got it?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Yes. Can I put these down?- Yeah.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- Hold on.- Now, here.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23SHE HUMS TO THE MUSIC
0:01:26 > 0:01:29If you like it, I'll burn you a copy.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Yes, I would like that, thank you. - You're a lovely mover, aren't you?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- Thank you very much. - HE LAUGHS
0:01:34 > 0:01:39# Standing here by my side. #
0:01:43 > 0:01:46OUTOFTUNE NOTES
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I wish this was a more musical church.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Here we've got no choir, a broken organ,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58a CD player from a car boot sale.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I need to find something inspiring for our Dedication Festival
0:02:01 > 0:02:04at the end of the year. Something transcendent.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07As we worship, so we live.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I imagine I'll have a large choir in my church.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12We must keep in touch when we're both vicars.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16I didn't know you'd put yourself up for ordination training.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Nearly a year ago. Your predecessor was always very encouraging.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Always saying things like,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25"You really should go and get your own parish."
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- He'd have written me a glowing reference. As I'm sure you will.- Yes.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34I can't decide whether I'd prefer a nice rural Cotswolds parish,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37or a church on Piccadilly or in Knightsbridge.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Nigel, are you sure you want to be a priest?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43One of the things I realised on that Towards Ordained Ministry course
0:02:43 > 0:02:46was how much better I'd be than all the other people there.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- Yes, I'd be careful about saying that.- I shouldn't say that?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52The Bishops Advisory Panel will be very wary about
0:02:52 > 0:02:54anyone who's got certainty about being called to God.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57it's frowned upon to seek preferment.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59it's good to be doubtful.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Quite right, good point. "Be doubtful".
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Yeah, do... don't write it down.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Don't you ever fancy advancement, Adam? Nice cathedral job?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Becoming a little Bishop? Or a big Canon?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11HE LAUGHS
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Never really been interested in any of that. I joined the church
0:03:14 > 0:03:18to become a parish priest in a church like this.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Oh, I see how to do the doubtful, humble thing.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- You're, you're very good at it. - No, that's what I think.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Superb. it's very convincing.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29It's the truth. I've no interest in being a Dean or a Bishop.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Brilliant. You'll be Archbishop at this rate.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33SQUAWK!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39SMS ALERT
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Oh, hello. Nigel wants to get ordained, would you believe it.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I'll have to fill out one of those endless reference forms for him.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47- Will you? Oh, dear. - You're home very early.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Where are you going? - Shropshire.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Oh, I've got that Facing the Future seminar tomorrow night.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58A few drinks afterwards with Bishop Peter. Where are you going?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- I'm going away for the weekend. - Are you?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Oh, I'm sorry. I've done it again, I keep doing this, don't I?- What?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07You tell me things and I don't take them in. I don't listen.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I had no idea you were away this weekend.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11No, I didn't tell you this.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh, it isn't something I didn't listen to?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- No, I've only just decided to go. - Where are you going?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- I just told you. - Yes, you said Shuff....
0:04:19 > 0:04:24Shropshire. With Lisa and Sue and Maria and Howard. They're doing a walking weekend.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Climbing Rodney's Pillar and I said I'd join them.- Oh.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- When are you back? - I don't know, Adam.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Alex, what's the matter?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I just want to reassess life, for a moment.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I haven't seen you one night this week.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41If you've got no time for me, how will you have time for a family?
0:04:41 > 0:04:46- You said you'd give up drinking and smoking.- I have.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51What's this, then?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54CAR HORN BEEPS That's Howard. I've got to go.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Alex.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00I think you think God will just provide us with a child if we're lucky.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04If we deserve it. I'm afraid it's not good enough for me.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Do you want to have a child with me, Adam?- Yes, of course I do.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Really? Well, why don't you have a think about it?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14While I think about whether I want to have one with you.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:30 > 0:05:31You a 12-inch animal feast?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Yes, thank you. it's £8.99, isn't it? I'll just see if I've got the change.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Don't worry about that, Vicarage.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Colin, you got a job?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Yeah, it's great. I started yesterday.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46I get £5.93 an hour and a pizza for lunch plus a medium soft drink.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- HE LAUGHS - I get free pizza for ever more.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:56 > 0:06:01- This music's a bit boring for church. - You don't like it?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03You want something uplifting, you should play AC/DC's Let's Get It Up.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06# Let's get it up hah, hah, hah, hah. #
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Now, that's uplifting.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- It sounds uplifting. Did you bring my salad? - You wanted that?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13DISPATCH RADIO SOUNDS
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Roger, roger, roger, roger.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18En route.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25I'm sorry that you're eating pizza on your own, and that Alex has left you.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26What? No, she hasn't left me.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I know what that feels like. Women, eh?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33No, she's just in Shropshire on a walking holiday.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36She is, Colin. She's climbing Rodney's Pillar.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Is she? Who with?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40With her friends,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Lisa, Sue, Marie and Howard.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Howard, Howard?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Who's this Howard when he's not licking out four birds in a tent?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Oh, shut up!- I'm trying to help.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- Forget climbing Rodney's Pillar. She'll be mounting Howard's cock.- Oh!
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Right now, probably. I mean, don't you see what this is, mate?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04This is a cry for attention. That's what women do all day.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Well, that's not the case here.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I'd better get off. These people ordered an hour ago.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10DOORBELL RINGS
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Oh, who's that now?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I hear Alex is away. I know you're a terrible cook, darling.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Well, he won't want that, he's just had my pizza.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25No, YOU'VE just had my pizza.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Yeah, yeah, roger, roger.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30En route.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Let me heat up my fufu for you, darling.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35CD STICKS
0:07:35 > 0:07:40MUSIC JUMPS
0:07:40 > 0:07:43# He who would valiant be
0:07:45 > 0:07:50# 'Gainst all disaster
0:07:50 > 0:07:55# Let him in constancy
0:07:55 > 0:08:00# Follow the Master
0:08:00 > 0:08:05# There's no discouragement... #
0:08:07 > 0:08:08These two need milk, Archdeacon.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Oh, please, call me Robert.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13it's nice of you to help Adoha with the coffee today, Archdeacon.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I'm happy to help. Please call me Robert.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Would you like some more frothy milk in that, dear Adam?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21No, that's fine. Is everything all right?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Yes. A little tired from five days of fasting, perhaps.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26But I find one comes to God best through subtraction.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Someone need milk, Bob.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34These coffees are lovely, Adoha. How do you do it?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35It's just instant.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37HE LAUGHS
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Are you going to the General Synod next week, Robert?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Oh, no, that's nothing but a distraction. I never go.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44You went last time, didn't you?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Did I? Oh, yes. In body, not in spirit.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Archdeacon, are you aware there's a vacancy for the Bishop of Stevenage at the moment?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Oh, no, no. Is there?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56You would be an exceptional Bishop, Archdeacon.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I wouldn't, Nigel, no.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01That's very kind of you but Nolo Episcopari.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I'd be unwilling to be a Bishop.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09I hunger to communicate the Gospel to the widest possible audience, of course,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12but I fear my soul is unprepared for such a role.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Even if God were considering me for such a position,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19which I'm sure he's not.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23I see what you mean about the humble thing. He's better at it than you.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25If God isn't considering you for it, the appointments Board might be.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I'm sure not.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Tart, anyone?- Oh.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- No.- Thank you.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39He won't become Bishop. He's been on preferment lists for ten years,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42but he never gets close because of his horrible personality.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Maybe they want a Bishop with a horrible personality, for once?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Instead of the spineless drips who normally get it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48How's Alex?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Oh, yeah, she's good, thanks. Yeah. Good.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53We said we might meet up this weekend, but her phone's off.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Yeah, it's terrible reception where she's gone. Far away.
0:09:57 > 0:10:03For the weekend. We like to spend the weekend apart every now and then.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Uh-oh, he's coming. ..I hope she's OK.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Nigel, I'm delighted to hear you've
0:10:10 > 0:10:13put yourself forward for ordination training.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Yes, what do you think my chances are? Pretty solid, I imagine?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- Um...- How do you think Nigel could help his application, Robert?
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Oh, perhaps working with teenagers?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28You could visit your local authority youth drop-in centre,
0:10:28 > 0:10:33hang out with the kids, learn about their problems.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I love teenagers with problems. Sweet.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I don't just see myself as a theologian and preacher.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Do you know who his DDO interview is with, Robert?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Yes, it's with me.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I'm standing in.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Did you hear that, Nigel? Your DDO interview is with Robert?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Oh. Oh, great. My interview's with you, is it?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- That's good news, isn't it? - Can't linger.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Must get off to mop the loos in the palliative care unit.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:20 > 0:11:23'Hi, this is Alex Smallbone. Please leave a message after the tone.'
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Oh, hi. it's, er, me. How are you?
0:11:28 > 0:11:33I'm still trying to finish Nigel's reference form, would you believe?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36That's all I've been doing all day.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40They're difficult, these bloody forms. I actually don't know what to write.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43If I put the truth in, Nigel doesn't stand a chance
0:11:43 > 0:11:47and he'll be devastated and angry and...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Maybe I should lie and say he's amazing but...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52No, I think I'll... I'll tell the truth but
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I'll accentuate the positive.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Anyway. Er, I miss you.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Do you miss me? Hope so.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03DOOR OPENS
0:12:03 > 0:12:08- Do you want my profiteroles now, darling?- Er, yes thanks...
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Thank you, thanks. (I'm just on the phone.)
0:12:12 > 0:12:16That's um, Adoha with my pudding.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Um... She's... She's round lots.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Which is fine. It's great, in fact, it's great.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Puddings, and the house has never been so clean.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27HE LAUGHS
0:12:27 > 0:12:32Anyway, er, I hope you're having a nice time with Howard and everyone.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Bye-bye... Nye.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43VACUUM CLEANER STARTS
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Have you finished my reference yet? - Not yet.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03If I don't get selected, I'll be blaming you!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07I'm going to help out at the homeless centre this afternoon.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Maybe clean some clothes for them.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Then, I thought I might pop in to the youth drop-in.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Offer them some solace about the job market.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Don't over-egg it, Nigel.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Look who it is.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Let's go and tell him about all the pastoral things I'm doing today.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29No, let's not.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I quite like this one.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- I don't.- Yes, I don't like it.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Hello, Archdeacon.- Hello.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40What are you doing here?
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- We were just walking past. Spotted you.- Hello.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Hello.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I'm just on my way to the Homeless Centre, to wash the needy.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Oh.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59This is my friend Richard.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- Hello, I'm Nigel.- Hello, Nigel.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06This is Adam Smallbone, one of my priests in the Diocese.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Oh, yes, hello.- Hello.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Although, if you're about to start shopping in here,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I think it's time we reviewed your stipend!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Are you going to buy that bed, then?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28No, no, um, no. We should be heading off.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I don't want to keep Heston Blumenthal waiting.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34You know how minty he gets if we mess up his timing.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37So, why don't you say goodbye to your... um...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40friends, Bobby, and I'll see you in the car.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Very nice to meet you.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Well, goodbye, then.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Let's imagine, just for the sake of argument,
0:15:29 > 0:15:34that there was a scenario in which I was being considered for an Episcopal position.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39I wouldn't want it, and I sincerely doubt I am, but let's imagine I am.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Right, I'm imagining.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44My concern is that if certain elements within the church
0:15:44 > 0:15:47happened to hear about certain aspects of my private life,
0:15:47 > 0:15:51they might be open to misinterpretation.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56For instance, to choose one example. You met my friend Richard?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59He seems very nice. So handsome.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Yes, I would hate for that...
0:16:01 > 0:16:05friendship to be misinterpreted by anyone.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Church law very clearly says that
0:16:07 > 0:16:10being gay is no bar to the Bishopric.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13So long as it's a celibate relationship.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Both you and I know the church isn't ready for an openly gay Bishop.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22Would you like me to keep quiet about your friendship with Richard so that it can't be misinterpreted?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Thank you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Nothing I'd like more than to see you become Bishop of Swanage.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Stevenage.- Or Stevenage.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I should head back. Um, is there anywhere I can drop you?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41What do you think the Archdeacon is going to ask me?
0:16:41 > 0:16:46He'll certainly want to talk to you about your personal relationships.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Well, I'm ready for that one. Question number fourteen on the form.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Who might sustain you in your future ministry?
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I just put, my dear mum and girlfriend Cherry.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Two people's enough, isn't it?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Your girlfriend Cherry?- Yes.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- You have a girlfriend called Cherry? - Yeah, that's a good answer, isn't it?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It's just that you've never mentioned her before.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I'm sure I have. I do like to keep my private life private.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Tell me about Cherry.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16What's she like?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19What's she like?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23She's gorgeous, is what she's like.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25A real honey.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29A real honey babe. Lovely legs, great personality too.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33She's gluten-intolerant but you can get special pasta for that now.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Blonde hair.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Five foot, six and a half inches.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Big breasts.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I'm a very lucky man.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49# I talk to God as much as I talk to Satan cos
0:17:49 > 0:17:51# I want to hear both sides... #
0:17:51 > 0:17:54# Let's get it up... #
0:17:56 > 0:17:58CHORAL MUSIC
0:18:14 > 0:18:18I feel the most enormous doubt and uncertainty
0:18:18 > 0:18:22about whether I should be a priest. I feel inadequate.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26While simultaneously also knowing that I have all the qualities,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29let's call them gifts, required to be one.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33You said that twice now.
0:18:33 > 0:18:39Um, just looking at your section on weaknesses here.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Perfectionism, is that really a weakness?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Well, I think it could be.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50If I spent so long perfecting the theology of my sermons that it kept
0:18:50 > 0:18:52me away from all the other things I love doing,
0:18:52 > 0:18:57like washing the homeless and chatting to disenfranchised kids.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I've been resisting this call, and resisting.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I'm like Moses that way.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Who's Cherry?
0:19:08 > 0:19:13I couldn't work out whether she's a person or pet.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Cherry is my girlfriend.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I see.
0:19:20 > 0:19:26'Dear Lord, is my marriage falling apart? Is that what you want?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32'Because I couldn't bear that. I couldn't survive that.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38'Who's being demanding, here? Me? Her?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43'Or you, because you want my entire dedication?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47'Please don't make me choose between you and her, Lord.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55'Oh, well. Better get this done.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01'Hm. Hm.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03'Hmm.'
0:20:03 > 0:20:08No, it's been absolutely lovely to spend some time with you, Nigel.
0:20:08 > 0:20:14And, while I glean that you have a strong sense of call,
0:20:14 > 0:20:19I think it may lie in other directions than the priesthood.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23So, unfortunately, I can't recommend to the Bishop that you go to
0:20:23 > 0:20:27the BAP at this stage. But thank you so much.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Talking of lovers, how's Richard?
0:20:35 > 0:20:41That said, I'm always wary of being the one to make the final decision
0:20:41 > 0:20:44as to whether a person's called by God.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48I think you should go to the BAP and see how you fare.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54CUTLERY CLANKING
0:20:56 > 0:20:59And here is your spaghetti Bolognese.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Lovely. That looks lovely.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08You don't want to make a mess on your shirt.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Do you want cheese on top? - Um, no thanks.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Hello, Alex.- Hello, Adoha.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26It's really lovely to see you in my home, with my husband.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Did you have a lovely time?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Yeah. It was nice to be away.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Oh, I bought you some fudge.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Oh, thank you.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I didn't get you anything.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48But, um, I did do one thing I think you'll like.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I went and did a sperm test.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Presumably to see if I'm fertile.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Er, 54 million per millilitre.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Which is just 10 percent less than the national average.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Be still, my beating heart. Thank you.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I missed you.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20I missed waking up with you.
0:22:20 > 0:22:26Oh, I thought you were enjoying waking up next to Howard?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Howard? Are you joking?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Didn't he go away with you for a reason?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Yeah, cos he likes rambling.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37You're not having...
0:22:37 > 0:22:39an affair with him?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42No!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Howard's a very nice man.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48And he has an extensive collection of Ordnance Survey maps.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50But he's a bit boring.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52In fact, he's one of the most boring men I know
0:22:52 > 0:22:54and I know lots of clergymen.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56HE CHUCKLES
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I love you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05The baby thing made me go a bit potty.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12So, let's just agree that we don't need one.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25I don't want to be a Bishop at all, but if God is calling me to it,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28then it would be obnoxious of me to resist.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32And, on the plus side, I do love Stevenage and its people.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35One final question.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42Are you involved in an active gay relationship?
0:23:52 > 0:23:57SPEECH MUFFLED
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I'm gonna firebomb their shop...
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Some cab driver knocked me off me bike.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Take your ears out!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10So I chucked three Hawaiians at his windscreen,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14he rings the shop and the wank stain sided with him, not me.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17That job was me last chance.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21That was how I was gonna sort me life out. And now it's over!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23We can find you another job.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I don't want another job!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Why's Nigel up on the roof?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37What are you doing, you twat?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Nigel.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I got my letter.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52From the Bishops Advisory Panel?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54How can they say that I wouldn't be a good priest?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57How can they say that? They don't know.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00How can they say that they know what God wants?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02How dare they pretend that?
0:25:03 > 0:25:08You won't feel this now but, I bet in time you'll be relieved
0:25:08 > 0:25:12you haven't been accepted for ordination because...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14God wants you to do other things.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I want to be a priest. That's all I want.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Those bastards are telling me that it's not who I am,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22but that's who I am.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I'm sorry, Nigel.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30If I can't do what I want to do, then what do I do?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Many are called, few are chosen.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42Come on, would you let me buy you a drink?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Come on.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- What did you say in my reference? Did you give me a bad reference?- No, no.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Did you say that I was boring? I bet you said that I was boring.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54No, I was very positive.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- I said that you were unfailingly punctual and organised.- Boring.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03I said that you had a, a, a detailed knowledge and love of scripture and theological studies.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05What is the best thing that you said about me?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07That you were brilliant at working alone.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Was that the question on teamwork?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I can't remember exactly which question. It's a long form.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22You fucked me. You know that I would be a much better priest than you.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24That's the tragedy here.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I've brought some flowers for your church.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Oh, that's very kind and...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42quite unusual.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I'm not arranging them for you though, that's s step too far.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Hello, Archdeacon. I didn't see you there.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I just came in to think.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Is something bothering you?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Not really.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I saw the Crown Nominations Committee today.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12I told them that I'm in an active gay relationship with a man that I love more than words.
0:27:14 > 0:27:20I think that probably means that I'll never be a Bishop, don't you?
0:27:20 > 0:27:24I think that probably does.
0:27:26 > 0:27:32I was just reflecting on the fact that... that's OK, really.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39What were you about to play?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Something my friend Joan gave me.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48MUSIC STARTS
0:27:49 > 0:27:55# Anytime
0:27:55 > 0:27:58# Things go wrong
0:27:59 > 0:28:05# Baby, we'll still get along
0:28:10 > 0:28:15# Cos we have each other
0:28:16 > 0:28:23# And our love will see us through
0:28:27 > 0:28:31# If some tears
0:28:31 > 0:28:36# Come our way
0:28:36 > 0:28:40# If the sun
0:28:40 > 0:28:45# Skips a day
0:28:45 > 0:28:49# We still have
0:28:49 > 0:28:54# Each other
0:28:54 > 0:28:57# And our love
0:28:57 > 0:29:01# Will see us through
0:29:04 > 0:29:08# Cos we have
0:29:08 > 0:29:13# Each other
0:29:13 > 0:29:19# And our love will see us through. #
0:29:19 > 0:29:22E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk