0:00:11 > 0:00:14DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:20 > 0:00:22GROANING
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- Help me! Oh, my God!- Alexandra...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Take me to the hospital. It's coming!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Where's Adam?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Any minute now.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36MOBILE BUZZES
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Excuse me.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- He's not answering. - Time it!- What?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Time it! Ah...!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51MUSIC: "Bridal Chorus"
0:00:55 > 0:00:59- Have a look. How dilated am I? - Right. Um...
0:00:59 > 0:01:01How dilated am I?!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Very. There's a bit of head, I think.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Whatever it is, it's got hair on it.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Call 999. We're not going to make the hospital.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Mother of fuck!
0:01:12 > 0:01:20# Ave Maria... #
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- No, of course I haven't got any towels, I'm in a taxi.- Gah...!
0:01:25 > 0:01:30A taxi! Oh, the head's out. I can see the head!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- Ah!- Oh, God, this is ghastly.
0:01:32 > 0:01:37- Oh, it's coming! - It's coming! It's COMING!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Nigel, I've got to go.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47Right, then. Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49We've done that bit, Nigel.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08# I couldn't hear nobody pray
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- # I couldn't hear nobody pray - All around
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- # I couldn't hear nobody pray - In the valley
0:02:18 > 0:02:20# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Look.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It's quite nice, isn't it?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Shall we go to the swings now? Shall we?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Yes, yes, come on.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39ADAM WHISTLES: "I VOW TO THEE MY COUNTRY"
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Morning!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Ah... boo!
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Ah... boo!
0:03:06 > 0:03:11All right, Vicarage? How's tricks?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Bit bored.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Well, that's parenting for yer.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Do you want me to push little Katie for a bit?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18No, don't upset her, Colin.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Ah!- Don't upset her!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24What's that you're smoking?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's an E-cigarette. I've given up now I'm a parent.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Smoking Es, eh?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32It's great, this playground, innit?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36I love it. Apart from all the dog shit.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37And the gangs.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41It's a disgrace. Everything's broken, graffiti everywhere.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44No wonder kids join gangs if this is all we offer them.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- As-salamu alaykum. - Wa-alaikum Salaam.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- One of the local imams.- Ah.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55It's Yussef, isn't it? My name's Father Adam.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57We met last year at one of those seminars
0:03:57 > 0:03:59on environment and sustainability.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Yes, of course. Very nice to see you again.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You're doing a bit of exercise, putting us all to shame.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06These sessions are a present from my wife.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I have to burn off her flapjacks.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Ah. Maybe I should hire your instructor, too?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Raahil will happily get a Christian fit. Or a Jew.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17But not a woman. He can't be trusted with women in Lycra.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I'd forgotten about your sense of humour, Yussef.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24The Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him, says that humour is good
0:04:24 > 0:04:27so long as it is used in moderation.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28It should be used like salt on a meal.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I'll tell my wife, Alex. She can hire your fitness guy,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34as long as she wears a burka during her work-out.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37See, that is too much humour now.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39For a Muslim, that's not acceptable.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Right.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I'm joking!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Oh! I thought you'd reached your humour limit.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I have now.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Isn't this playground terrible, Father?- I know.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Perhaps we should do some fundraising to restore it?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55We could put both our names over it.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I can barely raise enough money for my church, let alone a playground.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03Couldn't one of your three gods do something about it?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I've always found that man a bit smug.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Do your own flipping playground.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13You'd be smug, too, though, if you got to shag four wives at once.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15KATIE CRIES
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Colin...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20MUEZZIN CALLS
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Yes, you did a big explosive poo, didn't you?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Oh, please, God, not another one.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Looks OK.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30The council have written again,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32requesting proof and assurance
0:05:32 > 0:05:34that we've rectified the dangerous wiring.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I hate it when the council treat us like a business.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40If they give us the 15 grand, I'll do it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41That'd be all our church funds.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43They've said they'll prosecute.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45No. These things are machine generated.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Her poos have changed colour again.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Perhaps Satan is in charge of her bottom
0:05:49 > 0:05:51because you haven't baptised her yet.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54She did seem possessed at 3am this morning.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Hello, Archdeacon. Are you well? You look well.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Looks bad. Priest hasn't yet baptised his own child. Why not?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Don't worry, it's not a crisis of faith, just bad organisation.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05What a relief. Get on with it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07And hurry up with those nappies.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- They're outside in a taxi. - Who are?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Jill, the Area Dean, and Geri, the Diocesan Secretary.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Well, you can tell Tom and Geri I'll be down in minute.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Don't be naughty, Adam.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Would you like a cup of tea, Archdeacon?- Oh...
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- I'm having one.- No.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Don't use that plug, Nigel. Use the other one.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I see you haven't done your re-wiring, then.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29No, but don't worry. It's not...
0:06:29 > 0:06:30LOUD BANG
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Dangerous?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Hello. Can I bring Katie with me?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Oh, a baby. How adorable.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50What a heavenly child. I love children.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57No, this is a private meeting if that's OK, Robert.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Can you get the tube?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Why haven't you baptised her yet?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11I'm going to, when I get a minute.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Isn't she adorable? May I touch her?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Adorable.- Heavenly child.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20So nice to meet you.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I've been looking forward to talking to you about your parish.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Jill has some exciting plans.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Yes, and I'd like to get you involved in my plans for the area.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- OK.- It's such a challenging area, isn't it?- Mm.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Predominantly Muslim, ageing and falling Christian congregations.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- A very difficult area.- Yes.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42But it's my job as the new Area Dean to ask,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44what is the best way to be Church here?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Yes, how shall we be Church here?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49I'd like to do some pastoral reorganisation.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- That's why she got the job.- Right.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Yes. But some of my exciting new plans will cost money.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57The reality is that neither the deanery nor the diocese
0:07:57 > 0:08:01can continue to prop up expensive churches that are no longer viable.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Are you suggesting that my church might no longer be viable?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- No, we're not suggesting that at all.- No, not at all.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- St Saviour's is a vital part of the community.- Is it?- Yes.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14And it's very active in a presence and engagement kind of way.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Oh, well, that's wonderful. - How is it present and engaged?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- Yes, how so?- Give us some examples.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- I'd love to hear some examples. - There's lots of examples.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23I can't wait to hear them.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Any example will do.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Sure, well, just today,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29when I was chatting to the local imam,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I suggested that we team up to repair the local playground,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35which serves the whole community, and he absolutely agreed with me.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38What's the budget for that project and what's the timetable on it?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40The fundraising shouldn't take more than a few more weeks,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44with the help of my Muslim counterpart. Then it's straight into doing the job.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- You've started fundraising? - No, we have, yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Can't wait to see it. If this is the sort of thing
0:08:48 > 0:08:51you're achieving, then wow, well done!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Yes, wow, well done.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57We'd have to consider closing a different church instead.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Mm. Told you he'd be clever.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Can she touch the child again?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13This is Mama Doha's avocado, beetroot and plantain puree.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Very good for fibre and iron.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19And these are my special Katie oatmeal and rice cakes.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Thanks so much, Adoha. - Will they be back soon?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23No, don't wait.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Hiya. Think I trod in dog poo.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Ah, there's my darling. Can I hold her?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Please, let me hold her.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I'll take her.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35When are you going to have a baptism?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38It's been nearly one year.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's not fair on poor little Katie.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42KATIE WAILS
0:09:42 > 0:09:44You want a baptism, don't you?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46We're doing it soon, all right, Adoha?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Yeah, that is dog poo.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55If you could ask him to call Father Adam at St Saviour's,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I'd be very grateful. It's urgent. OK, thanks, bye.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03Why is it so hard to get hold of an imam? What do they do?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Alex, what's the matter?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I've got good news. I got the job.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11You're looking at the new Head of Legal Aid at Kanters.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- Oh, you're so clever! That's great. - Yes.- What?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19It's a disaster. When am I ever going to see Katie?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- I'll always be out.- No, no.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Those big firms are so competitive.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26They never let you leave.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29No. We'll make it work, Alex.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30I'm a horrible person.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31No...
0:10:31 > 0:10:33DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I'll get rid of them. We should open a bottle.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- If you were in the Church, you'd be a female bishop.- Ooh.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47All right, Vicar? See, what it is, yeah...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49No, it isn't. I'm not giving you anything today, Mick.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Wait till you see what I got.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55What about this lovely little dolly for your new boy?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Ah, isn't she a cutie?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Yes, she's lovely.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Or I could babysit?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05I only charge like 5, 8, 30, £50 an hour.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I'm Mary Poppins.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Bedknobs And Broomsticks.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Nanny McNanny.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Mick, I'm demonstrating my love for you by withholding my money.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20You go out to dinner, sweetie, with your lady friend.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Do wine, dine and romance tings
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- and leave the boy with me.- The girl.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28And when you come home, ta-da! She's still alive.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Well, it's certainly a tempting offer.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Next time we make plans, Alexandra and I will give your agency a call.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39OK, bye.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45MUEZZIN CALLS
0:11:50 > 0:11:53'Bloody hell, there's a lot of people.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56'Lord, it's difficult to be a Christian today, isn't it?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58'In Syria, for instance.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00'Iraq. Certainly in Egypt.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03'But also sometimes here in Hackney.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06'Why is Islam so much more popular?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09'Is it because of all its rules for life? People like rules.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12'Maybe if Christianity had rules like Islam,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14'my church would be full, too.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16'Hope this goes OK.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19'Oh, I've got a bloody hole in my sock.'
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Father Adam is here.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24As-salamu alaykum.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- ALL:- Wa-alaikum Salaam.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- What can I do for you?- Yussef.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33The other day, you suggested that we team up to restore the playground,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35and afterwards I was having a think about it
0:12:35 > 0:12:38on the way home, and it occurred to me what a great idea it is.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40What made you change your mind?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Not change my mind.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I was just slow to realise what a great idea it is
0:12:44 > 0:12:48because, you know, children are the future.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Yes. Who said that?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Did you say it?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Someone black, famous and profound.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Nelson Mandela?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00It was Whitney Houston.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Well, Nelson and Whitney, often confused with one other.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Is that too much humour again?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17The point is we all want our children to have somewhere safe and inspiring
0:13:17 > 0:13:20to play, so I was thinking you're right, we should do it together,
0:13:20 > 0:13:21for the community.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26We'd all look good.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29I think it's a great idea.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Well, it was your idea.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Us teaming up.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36We could put the name of your mosque and my church over it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- That was my idea, too.- Yes, great.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Some of the uncles will complain, yes?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44"Why are you teaming up with a Christian? Is it Islamic?"
0:13:44 > 0:13:48But I will tell them I will create peace and harmony for everyone.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Now, Brother Ikhbal makes a delicious cup of PG Tips.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Can I interest you in one? - You certainly can.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Brother Ikhbal. The PG. Please.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Hey, Aziz, bro. How's life?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I'm told we need £10,000 for a redesign of the playground.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Shall we try and raise £5,000 each, make it a competition?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Yes, great. That's a fun idea.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11How long do you think that would take you?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Well, if I ask all my congregation to put £5 in,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I could probably raise £5,000 on Friday.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Right. Of course, your congregation is 1,000 people, isn't it?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21And Muslims are very generous.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23More generous than Christians, you think?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26No. It's because, for a Muslim, giving is an obligation.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Most of them complain about it,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31but they know that if they give money they'll be rewarded in Heaven.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33It's one of the Five Pillars.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Hey, Suliman. Wa-alaikum Salaam. Tell your brother
0:14:36 > 0:14:40that when he's ready to give his zakat, I'm here for him, OK?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Dennis, hi!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Maybe we could do an event to fundraise?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53If you need help.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56OK, all right, great. Let's make it a multi-faith event.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I could do one of my jihadi barbecues?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Don't worry, I don't mean holy war barbecue.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I mean jihad as in "Striving to do good".
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Lots of people will come. There can be food and games for the kids.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Yeah, like a fete?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10A jihadi fete. These events always raise lots of money.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Great. How about we do it in my church?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Why not? I love your churches.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18There is always so much space.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21KATIE CRIES
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Ssh. Oh, dear. What's the matter?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I'm not taking her to A&E again
0:15:27 > 0:15:29just to be told it's trapped wind.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Please can we fix her christening,
0:15:33 > 0:15:37if for no other reason than to shut everyone up.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Maybe I don't want to christen her yet?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I've already lost you to Him.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Why would I want to lose her as well?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I know everyone's annoying about it,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49but your annoyance with them is undermining me.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53And we both want to baptise her, so why don't we just do it?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58OK. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make your life difficult.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01OK, let's christen her. I want to do it.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Thank you. Thank you, Alex.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I was thinking maybe we should ask Ellie to be a god mum?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Oh, really? OK, not your friend Karen?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Karen said she didn't want to renounce the devil.- What?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17I know. And, if we get killed in a diving accident
0:16:17 > 0:16:20when you take me to the Maldives,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I wouldn't mind Ellie bringing her up.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25She'd turn out a proper girl.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Academic high flyer, good at gym.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32All right, let's get her over for dinner and ask her.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35But that would also mean asking Chris as well, wouldn't it?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36He's all right.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Oh, she's done another poo.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I've got to get up in two and a half hours.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45How long can we leave her in it?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51'Also, he who had the two talents made two talents more.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54'But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57'and hid his master's money.'
0:16:57 > 0:16:59This is the Gospel of the Lord.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Praise to you, O, Christ.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04So, inspired by that Parable of the Talents,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I'm going to do something unusual now,
0:17:07 > 0:17:12and give you all £10 from church funds.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I want you all to invest it.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Try and be like the good and faithful servant
0:17:16 > 0:17:19who put his money to work straightaway.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Don't bury it in the ground.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Or spend it on lager, Colin, like the wicked and slothful servant.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Let's see what you can all raise form this seed capital,
0:17:29 > 0:17:33and I'll collect back any profits in a few weeks.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35We reap what we sow.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42You never cease to surprise.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47All the money you create will go to our Honeycombe playground fund.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Let's see if we can raise more than our Muslim friends.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52We must beat the infidels!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57And I have one other announcement to make,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59which is that in two weeks' time
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Alex and I will baptise our daughter Katie here
0:18:02 > 0:18:05at the mid-morning Eucharist on Sunday 6th,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08and you are of course all invited.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Finally!
0:18:11 > 0:18:15So, now we're going to sing hymn number 565,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Praise My Soul The King Of Heaven.
0:18:19 > 0:18:24Hi, Ellie, thanks for coming. No Chris?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I should've known the minute he said he didn't want an expensive wedding.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Massive sign there. Why didn't I see it?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I used to find it sweet that when he reads, his mouth moves.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35But now every time he does it I just want to punch him in the face.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38And what kind of a person has tomato ketchup on everything?
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Yeah, no, awful person.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I make spaghetti bolognese. It's got tomatoes in it, hasn't it?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- It doesn't need any more fucking tomatoes.- No.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Why did I marry him? Why did you let me marry him?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I turned 39, someone comes into my room at night and just removes
0:18:50 > 0:18:53my brain. That's why. I don't care if he's shagging other women
0:18:53 > 0:18:55on his work trips. Let him. Cos I'm not going to touch him.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And I would love to be Katie's godmother,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- because I'm not having children with that arsehole.- That's great.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Hello, Adoha. They look lovely.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17This one is especially for you.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Thank you.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Hello, Archdeacon.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I must say this all looks very good, Adam.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28This church is flourishing.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30You should tell Torvill and Dean when you see them.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32You should tell them yourself. They're on their way.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I have to go at five. Rageh Omaar is giving a talk on Djibouti pirates
0:19:35 > 0:19:37at the book shop in Chipping Norton.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I've got some money for you
0:19:39 > 0:19:41from that St Saviour's tenner you gave us.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Oh. What did you do with it?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Richard has a half bar invested in a Geneva-based emerging markets
0:19:46 > 0:19:48hedge fund, so I popped the tenner into that.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- So it was leveraged up.- Right.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51The fund has had a stunning month.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It's returned 9% in just one month.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- It's absolutely unheard of.- Wow.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59So I redeemed my investment capital plus profit...
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- £10.90.- Oh, right.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Of course, the fund charges a 20% fee on any profits,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07so that's 18p to them.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Plus VAT of 20% on their 20%.
0:20:10 > 0:20:17So that is a grand total of £10.68.
0:20:17 > 0:20:1868p?
0:20:18 > 0:20:23Towards the playground. I hope it helps.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I wouldn't trust Terry and June if I were you.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Whatever they say, they're not going to fund your shortfalls any more.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Hello, Dennis.- Hello, Vicar.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Brother!- Hi, Yussef.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- This all looks good in here. - Doesn't it?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59I have great news. I managed to raise £12,000 on Friday.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02We have our total. We can announce the project today.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- Yussef, that's amazing. - How much have you raised?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I've just had a donation, actually.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09That's super. So, in total?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I'm still adding it up.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I meant to ask, Adam.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Who are all those important people over there?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20That's my archdeacon, the new Area Dean and the Diocesan Secretary.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23We like a hierarchy in the Church of England.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24How does it work?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It doesn't really work.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29At the top there's the archbishops, two of them,
0:21:29 > 0:21:30then there's the bishops.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Then there are some chancellors and diocesan secretaries.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36She's one of them, the tall woman. It's a senior lay position.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Then there are the cathedral deans, who run the cathedrals.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Canons, or prebendaries, are senior priests within the cathedrals.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Then there are the archdeacons. He's mine. He runs several deaneries
0:21:45 > 0:21:48within each archdeaconry. Then there are the area deans.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50She's one. Finally there are the priests, called vicars
0:21:50 > 0:21:53or sometimes rectors, depending on how their tithes were paid.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55But that's a side issue, really.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Hm. But they're all equal in the eyes of God?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Oh, no. God much prefers the bishops.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04That's why he makes sure they all have such a nice big house.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06That is too much humour, Adam.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Good afternoon. How lovely to see you all.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11This all looks good, doesn't it?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Yes, wonderful, Adam. Clever you.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Isn't he present and engaged?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18This church is flourishing.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Hm, isn't it? What's that man over there doing?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26That's Nigel. Putting up a "Pin the tail on Jesus's Palm Sunday donkey."
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Oh, what fun.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Let me introduce you to my imam friend, Yussef.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31This is Jill and Geri and Robert.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- As-salamu alaykum. - Wa-alaikum Salaam.- Afternoon.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39It has been a great honour to get to know your fine priest.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Do you mean him?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I'm pleased to say that we have already raised all the money
0:22:45 > 0:22:48necessary to restore the community playground.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50We have over £12,000.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Wow. That's wonderful.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Clever you. Congratulations.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58How much of the money did Adam raise?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I don't know. I don't keep score like it's football.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05It's a joint effort. I could not have done it without him.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Yussef!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Oh. Excuse me a moment.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16I love your bouncy castle.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Would you like a bounce? - Well, yes, I...- No.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- No.- I might, later.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Perhaps you could dress up as a crusader, Robert,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28and attack any Muslims on the castle.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Actually, Yussef, don't use that plug.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35LOUD BANG
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Wow.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40That'll be the wiring that isn't dangerous.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51I've got summat for Katie. A present.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54That's nice of you. It's not her birthday.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I know. Have a look. Hope she likes it.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Lovely. That's... She'll love them.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Magic.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Can I be her godfather?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Colin, I've already got two godfathers - Steven and Jeremy,
0:24:12 > 0:24:13my oldest friends.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Have me as a third one.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I bet I love her more than they do.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Well, it's not a competition.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I'll always remember her birthday.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I'll take her ice-skating when she's old enough,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29and I'll make sure no-one shags till she's 16.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I swear, if I see any bloke touch her,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I'll kick seven different types of shit out of them.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I'll make it so no-one will ever dare go near her.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38I'd do that for her.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Well, it's a lovely offer, Colin, but...
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Let me think about it.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Great. So I'm in the running then?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Oh, and I've got some dosh for you.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52That tenner you give me - I turned it into 350.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54There you go.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56350? How did you do that?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I bought a tenner's worth of crack, cut it with detergent
0:24:58 > 0:25:01and sold it to some kids on the estate.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05That made me 50. Then I did it again, and then again.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I actually made £500 but I kept some as my cut if that's all right?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10So this is drugs money?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Nah, not really. There was hardly any crack in what I sold.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16It's more detergent money.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20When will you decide if I can be Katie's godfather?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23There you are, darling. I've been looking for you everywhere.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26I have a present for little Katie.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28No, you can't be a godparent.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31All the places are full, and I'm first on the waiting list.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Is it very painful?- No.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46I'm so sorry, Yussef. I should have warned you about the electrics.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It was a bad day for everyone.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I've had to close the church till I do the rewiring,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53and I've had to cancel my daughter's christening.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I'm sorry to hear that.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I've brought round the money I raised for the playground.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04And the grand total is?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08£350.68, I'm afraid.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Sorry.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Well done. It all counts.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Really?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Just because you electrocuted me doesn't mean we can't be friends.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20It's still our project
0:26:20 > 0:26:22for Christian and Muslim children.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24We should do it together.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26You're a good man, Yussef.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Just one question.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- What does the Prophet Mohammed... - Peace be upon him.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Peace be upon him, have to say about the use of
0:26:35 > 0:26:37drug money for charitable causes?