0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme/film contains some strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17- # I couldn't hear nobody pray - On the mountain
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- # I couldn't hear nobody pray - In the valley
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# I couldn't hear nobody pray... #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Adam, I've brought you a present to help you with your fundraising.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36I saw this and thought of you.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38It's an old-fashioned, but effective way
0:00:38 > 0:00:42to let people know that this church needs a little help.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Did it help... what's the name of the church it's just come from?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48St Alkmunds. Sadly, no. It's been closed down.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52The incumbent there had to be dragged screaming from the building.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53What's happened to him?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Well, rumour has it that he's re-trained as a Bikram yoga teacher.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59So sad. He should have gone on one of Roland Wise's
0:00:59 > 0:01:02'Transform Your Church' courses, like I told him to.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- Did you?- Roland saves your church and entertains you while he does it.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Would you like to go on one?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10This is because of my emergency re-wiring, isn't it?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12You have spent all your money.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14And there is a groundswell of feeling within the members
0:01:14 > 0:01:17of the Deanery Chapter and the House of Laity,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20that St Saviour's has been subsidised for far too long.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22They can't see the point of the largest and oldest church
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- in the area?- They feel that the money spent on your stipend
0:01:25 > 0:01:29could be "more imaginatively used elsewhere". Their phrase.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Well, they're wrong! MY phrase.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35In Show & Tell at the next Deanery Synod
0:01:35 > 0:01:37you need to show them that you can pay your way,
0:01:37 > 0:01:41otherwise they will begin the process of closing the church.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I'll send you the link to Roland's course.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Filly, filly, uppy, uppy!
0:02:04 > 0:02:08'I can't believe he turned up with his stupid, throbbing thermometer.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11'Why does the church want me to behave like a businessman
0:02:11 > 0:02:13'the whole time, when I'm not?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16'Cor, look at that hotel! Or this one!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19'I'd like to take Alex to places like these.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23'I worry about her at the moment. I don't see enough of her.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26'I must try and take her away, so we can have a good old...'
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You going to buy that or not?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31You can't just stand around in here looking at porn.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- It's a travel magazine. - Yeah, right!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- D'you want your fags? - No, I've quit.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Why are you lying? - I'll get this.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Dirty bugger!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Thank you.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:57- Hi, hi.- Hi.- Hi.- Hi.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Rob! Jeremy! How are you both?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- Great, good to see you. Hi.- Hi. - Hi, hi.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06How's God?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Oh, he's very good, I think. Busy. Out a lot.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12The successful wife. You've heard her great news?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Yes. We assume you'll be promoted to Bishop next.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Yes, any minute, any minute.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Forget my job, it's going to be a disaster. Tell him your news.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- It's much more exciting!- What? What?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Shall I get us a bottle?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Rob and I are getting married. We've suddenly decided to.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Oh, that's wonderful news.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28We looked in our diaries,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32had absolutely nothing on next week, so thought, "Let's get married."
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Well, I have a few things on, but I've cancelled them.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36They were only patients at the hospital!
0:03:36 > 0:03:40We've always wanted to do this. Now's the time.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Our ten-year anniversary.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Well, congratulations. To both of you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Here we are. Should be bubbles, really.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47So, when's the happy day?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50We thought we'd do the legal bit at the highly desirable
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Islington Town Hall, on Wednesday next week.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54But what we REALLY wondered, Adam,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57was whether you might be able do a proper church wedding for us.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- In St Saviour's.- Ah! A-ha!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04We know it's not technically legal. But thought you'd sneak us in.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05As we are churchgoers.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I love the church. The architecture, the music...
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- And Rob actually believes in God. - I don't believe in registry offices.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Lots of priests do gay weddings, don't they?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17So long as you don't get caught. It's like parking on double yellows.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Guys, I'm sorry, it's a bit more serious than that.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I mean, I'd love to do it, of course.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28And this is disappointing for me, but I could get in real trouble.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- God won't bless our union. - GOD will.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Of course He will!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35But the Church won't!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I know, I know.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48But, look, I'll be doing my regular service on your wedding day.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51If you came to my Wednesday evening Eucharist,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55after the registry office, I could do prayers for you both.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I can affirm your love for each other in the eyes of God.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Can we bring some friends?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Of course, yeah, of course, well, sure.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- And some flowers? - Why not? Of course.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Let's do it!- Great. Great. Well, congratulations again.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20ALL: CHEERS!
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Did one of you go down on a knee?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Not on a knee!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I'll get that.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Please bring lots of people, it's always really empty.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Mick!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Y'all right, Vicar? See what it is, yeah...- I've told you I'm not...
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I got something you really want this time.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42I'm not buying anything from you.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44You'll want this!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Is that Mick again?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47I'm just getting rid of him.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I think you left her in the shop, Vicar.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Thank God!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I'm being a good citizen.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Give her here, please. Mick...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Vicar.- Mick!- Vicar. - Give her here please.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Is there a little reward? Or a big one?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- No, Mick... - You left her, didn't ya?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Shall I tell the nasty Mrs Vicar what you done?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20No, no, just give her here! All right?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Yes, he's just going!- I just want a little bit of money, Vicar.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Give her back. Mick!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28No way, Vicar! Give me money!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Mick... Mick, Mick!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Here, here.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Library card, too?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- What are you up to?- Hello!
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Here she is! She's just had a bit of fresh air.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Hi!- Here you go.- Come on in.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Dear boy!- Hello, Roland.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44Imagine my delight when I saw your little name pop up!
0:07:44 > 0:07:48How are you? How's your little life?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Fine. It's good to see you.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Congratulations on these courses.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Everyone's recommending them. - I know!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Who'd have thought, when we were green, young men
0:07:58 > 0:08:00at Cuddesdon College, that I would end up
0:08:00 > 0:08:03travelling the world, saving churches?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06It's been an extraordinary year. Roma. Rio.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Durham. I was sorry to hear you're struggling so much.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Well, it's just the classic C of E building dilemma in London,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- too many churches in the parish for the number of congregants.- Mmmm.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17If I can make the place financially self-sufficient
0:08:17 > 0:08:20then they'd have to leave me alone. So, that's the aim.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22ROLAND'S PHONE RINGS
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Oh, let me turn that off.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Oh, it's Michael Buerk pestering me to do The Moral Maze again.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30The only dilemma that show presents is how to tell Michael
0:08:30 > 0:08:33to fuck off without upsetting him. Right, shall we start the morning?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- Aren't there more people to come? - No, just you and me today.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39You're getting private sessions, effectively.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I should be charging double! OK, I'll start. Sit down.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Right!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Good morning, everyone.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Good morning.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54We don't need this, do we? Today, through my unique three-point
0:08:54 > 0:08:57'Transform Your Church' plan, I'm going to help you
0:08:57 > 0:09:00make your churches, not just present and engaged,
0:09:00 > 0:09:04modern and relevant, but also full and solvent.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07My three-point Transform plan has a memorable acronym...
0:09:07 > 0:09:11IED.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13We don't normally do questions at the start.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Sorry. Doesn't that stand for Improvised Explosive Device?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Yes, it does. Because this course blows the legs off failure.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21It will pick up your ministry, hurl it into the air
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and scatter it over a wide area.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28But IED also stands for this...
0:09:28 > 0:09:33Let me take you through the ABC of IED.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34A - I.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38I - Invade. Your community. People's lives.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40As a priest you must be in people's lives.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Push your way into their lives. Into their homes.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47If you don't do that, how will they know how invaluable you are?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51What you offer? B - E. E - Evangelise.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Now this shouldn't be such a dirty word to most Anglicans.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57If you like a book or a boutique hotel,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59you TELL people about it, don't you?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Now, let's get you doing that with Jesus Christ.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05D. D. D. C!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07C. D - deliver.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I'm going to give you a list of ways to DELIVER as a priest.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Deliver funerals, deliver weddings,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16deliver satisfaction to your parishioners,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19so they keep coming back... for more.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Any questions so far?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Yep. In the middle.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Don't forget to say your name and where you're from.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Adam Smallbone. St Saviour's.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29What time's lunch?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I've got the large Happy Heart sushi tray.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- I hope that's OK with you? - Sure.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41There's your change.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46What you reading there?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I imagine you've stayed in most of these places.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Oh - Malaysia's nice.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- I want to take Alex away somewhere...- Hm. Dear lady.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Just for a night in the UK somewhere.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58We could do with it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00In the UK?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02You should go to The Bull at Bibbington.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Angus has just taken it over. Do you know Angus?
0:11:05 > 0:11:06He did The Swan at Uppington
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and he was the force behind The Cock at Mincham?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I'll show you.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Have you got a picture of his cock?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Oh, very good. We must try and get you on the radio.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I'm trying to help.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Look. Just opened. Half-price rooms.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24You can always tell a good pub hotel by
0:11:24 > 0:11:27whether the bedrooms have got logs in them.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29There's lots of logs there.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Nice. £120 a night.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Half price - 60 quid - I can afford that.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35No, £120 is the half price rate, you twit.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Dear me, no wonder your church has got financial problems!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Oh. OK.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I was interested to see from your Myers-Briggs test that you
0:11:42 > 0:11:45have conflicting personality blocks.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48That's cos I filled out the form as Jesus.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Hm.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I've been thinking - shall we go away somewhere together?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Before you get too busy with your new job.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Why don't we go and live here for six months.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06SHE LAUGHS
0:12:06 > 0:12:07I know. But seriously,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10we could do with a night away together somewhere.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13You and me. The Cotswolds.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Roland's recommended somewhere called The Cock.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Has he? - Maybe Valentine's day?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I'm sorry, I can't go away right now. I'm too busy.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25No, you're not too busy to spend one night away with the man you married
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- to remind ourselves why we love each other.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I remember why I love you. No reminder needed.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Well, I'd like to be reminded why I love you.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- My treat.- You can't afford it. And we don't have a babysitter.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Well, let's find one. We keep saying we need one...
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Well, we'll need one on Wednesday if you're going to do your
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- "It's not a wedding" service for Rob and Jeremy. - Well, who shall we use? Mick?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48He's keen. And probably free.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- SHE CHUCKLES - What about Ellie?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Ellie's a teacher. She hates children.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55No, she just pretends to. What about Adoha?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- She wants to do it. - Apart from her.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- She'd be good at it.- No, she wouldn't.- She will. You know she will.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02No, I'm not having her here going through my drawers,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04leaving me notes and sniffing your pants.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09- Come on, she'll be disappointed if we don't ask her sometime. - Go ahead - disappoint her.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Adoha! Thank you so much for agreeing to do this.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I have been waiting for you to ask!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I know. And we've been waiting for the right moment to ask you.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Where is the little angel princess? - Upstairs. Darling, Adoha's here.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Yes, I can see that. Hello, Adoha.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27When are you two going to re-arrange her baptism?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29What's in that?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Oh - my overnight bag, in case
0:13:31 > 0:13:33you and Adam don't get back till after midnight.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Adam will be back no later than 8.55pm.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40What if Adam is injured in a bicycle accident? God forbid.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Who would look after Katie then, huh? While her mother is out having fun?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Good question. - I'll wrap her in a newspaper
0:13:46 > 0:13:48and stick her on the doorstep of an orphanage.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Bye.- Oh...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52See you after the registry office.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53ADOHA LAUGHS
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- I will make you a cup of tea. - That'd be nice.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Hello.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09# Let's get married, I love ya and I want to stay with ya,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12# Let's get married... #
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Hello?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Welcome, welcome. Find a pew.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Who are all these people, Adam?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Ah, the happy couple! How nice to have you here.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- And you've brought so many people! - It's our wedding!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- No, just some prayers. Hello, darling.- Good evening, Vicar!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I hope you've arranged something special for our friends.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Yes. And I had no idea there'd been so many of you.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- No, don't throw confetti. Please. - Save it for the end.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40No, don't do it then either. This is just a Eucharist.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Not a wedding.- Come on.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Heads-up, Vicarage. I think some of this lot might be homos.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59What in the name of all that is holy is going on downstairs?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Why's everyone all dressed up? It's like the Ascot races down there!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I had no idea there'd be so many. I've got to do something profound.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- About what? - Rob and Jeremy's marriage.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Is this a gay marriage, Adam?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11No, I'm not marrying them. I'm just doing a prayer.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- OK. Maybe I can adapt this? - Are you making up liturgy again?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18No. Yes. I'll just do a dedication.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21You cannot do a dedication service for homosexuals. It's...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Yes, yes. I'll just adapt this.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Must remember not to say 'marriage'. Or 'union'.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28The church doesn't recognise same-sex unions.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30There's no canon law for it, and there's no service for it.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- Yeah. Did Jesus have a service?- No. But we do.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34This is a blatant flaunting of church law.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I'd have thought you'd be pleased to see two men
0:15:36 > 0:15:39making a public declaration of their love for one another.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42What are you insinuating, Adam? I am in a hot, straight-blooded
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- relationship with a beautiful young filly.- Yep, sure you are.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Now, I need to say something about the couple.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Prayers for the future. OK, I can make this work.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Well, I won't come and visit you in prison.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I'm going home, to look at Cherry.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Good evening, everyone.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10(Oh, don't walk up the aisle!)
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Hi, Mum!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Oi! D'you want to buy any Es for the party afterwards?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- No, thanks!- Ketamine?
0:16:25 > 0:16:30# Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
0:16:30 > 0:16:36# Praise with us the god of grace. #
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Robert and Jeremy.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Earlier today you committed yourselves to one other in a union.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Not here, but at the Town Hall. - We're married!
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- No, you're not. - Yes, we are.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55No, you are... Yes, sort of. But you were. Not here.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- Because it's against the law. - No, it's not.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Yes. No, it's against church law.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03So, what we're doing here is celebrating your intention
0:17:03 > 0:17:07to be together, for better for worse, for richer for poorer,
0:17:07 > 0:17:11in sickness and in health, and to love and to cherish,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- till death do you part.- I do.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15No, you don't.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17APPLAUSE
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- Shall we do the rings again?- No.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And we, as their friends, will do all in our power
0:17:24 > 0:17:26to love and support them.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28ALL: We will!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30No, don't say that!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33CHEERING
0:17:33 > 0:17:36OK, no, stop. STOP!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39OK.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Let us pray.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I hope it wasn't too much of a disappointment?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47No, no!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50It's our fault for not quite understanding the extent
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- to which it couldn't be a wedding. - No, I should have been clearer.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55No, no. Our fault.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Would it have been really bad to have exchanged the rings?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- I'm sorry.- No, it was great. Lots of it was great.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- All our friends are here.- Yep.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12C'mon, husband, let's get off to the party.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Rob, sorry.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Sorry.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Come on.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Hello, Adoha, hi.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I hope I'm not late.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Adoha?
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Hello?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Adoha?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Adoha?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Adoha?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58(Adoha?)
0:19:05 > 0:19:08(Adoha?)
0:19:11 > 0:19:13(Adam, darling, you're home.)
0:19:13 > 0:19:17(Yes. How's she been?)
0:19:17 > 0:19:20(She is such a beautiful baby.)
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- (Yes.- Our child.)
0:19:22 > 0:19:27(Yes, she's not yours. Get up.)
0:19:27 > 0:19:30(Shit, that's Alex! Get up, quickly! Put your clothes on!)
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Hi. I'm home. Who's in?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38A fair fight!
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Why do gay men know how to throw the best parties?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Oh, hello, Adoha! - Hello, Alex.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49What have you two been doing? Having sex?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51ADAM LAUGHS
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Katie is sleeping quite soundly.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Yes, everything's been fine, hasn't it, Adoha?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58She does have quite bad nappy rash, though, Alex.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Oh, shut up! Who's going to have a drink with me?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Come on, Adoha. We should learn to like each other.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06And I want to say sorry for all the nasty things I've said about you.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Have we got any of that prune schnapps left?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Colin drank it.- What nasty things?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13She's joking. Thank you so much for coming, Adoha.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You were brilliant.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Will you have a glass of Proud Stag Indian whisky with me?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Did you have to say that to Adoha?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Sorry. Look, we've got all these drinks here we never drink!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Urgh!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39What's this one? This looks very...brown.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Eau de vie? - Water of Death. No, thanks.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44No. Bad drink.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Hello, my European friend!
0:20:47 > 0:20:53(ADOPTS HUNGARIAN ACCENT): Hungarian apricot palinka from Kecskemt.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54When did we go there?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Your dad did.- Oh.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Adoha's all right. She can babysit again
0:20:59 > 0:21:01if you want to take me away somewhere wonderful.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- No, we're not using her again. - Suits me.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I don't want to go to Roland's cock place, anyway.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Ooh, Australian mango rum?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Aussie fun in a bottle.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14DOORBELL RINGS
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I hear you're doing gay weddings now.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24What? No! Who said that?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I did a Wednesday evening Eucharist, that's all.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Archdeacon, you big church knob! How's tricks?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Good evening, Alexandria. Tricks is good.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Do you want a slurp of my Zotig?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I found it in the fridge. It's beer and orange.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Not tonight, Alexandria.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Parenthood is treating you well, I see.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I'm drunk because we've just been to a big gay wedding at the church.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Ah.- She doesn't mean that.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I think you and I need to have a little chat tomorrow,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50don't you, Adam?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Goodnight.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Taxi!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04'Dear Lord. I should never have tried to please Rob and Jeremy
0:22:04 > 0:22:07'and follow church law, it was never going to work.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08'Stupid of me.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12'As usual, I bend over backwards to try and please everyone
0:22:12 > 0:22:16'and end up pleasing no-one. Lord, did you want me to marry them?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19'If I had, I'd be in a lot of trouble.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22'Mind you, I seem to be in trouble anyway.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27'Maybe that's what you want. Me in a lot of trouble.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30'Jesus liked trouble.'
0:22:30 > 0:22:35Apparently, someone said 'I do', and men were seen kissing in the nave.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- It wasn't a gay wedding. - We'll see.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40The Deanery has asked me to ascertain the facts.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Of course they did. This is perfect for them, isn't it?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Oh yes, they've got it in for you. Well observed.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47If you are found to have conducted a gay wedding, Adam
0:22:47 > 0:22:49you will be first suspended, then defrocked, then KILLED,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52by one of the Bishop's teams of assassins,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54who patrol town in unmarked cars.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Well, you can tell Ben & Jerry
0:22:56 > 0:22:59that I did a normal mid-week Eucharist,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02in which I offered some prayers for the union
0:23:02 > 0:23:05of two gay friends of mine. That's all. And that's legit.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Show me the Order of Service for Wednesday, please.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I don't have one. It was a normal mid-week Eucharist.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I used one of these.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Did you use the word 'marriage' at any point?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I have two witnesses who say they heard the word marriage.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I did say marriage.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26During the prayers, I said, "This service is not a marriage."
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Show me the prayers, please.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42This is what you used?
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Yes. But look there, it says 'don't say marriage'.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51You quite literally put your service together on the back of an envelope?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Oh! What does it say here?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Love?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58No, Hove. They met in Hove.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01That's where they met. Near Brighton.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I'm going to keep this if I may?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08During your Eucharist, were rings exchanged?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Um. No.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Did they make vows to each other? - No.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Did the couple join hands?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16No.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18That is incorrect.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Let me show you Exhibit A.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28So, this is one of your standard mid-week Eucharists, is it, Adam?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It was not a gay wedding.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Do you know how I know? Because I took the service!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Please, Robert, I didn't break the law, I promise you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42They wanted a wedding. I refused. I let them down.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44You don't even believe in this law yourself!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Don't try and tell me what I believe, Adam!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50I believe in church unity.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Now this is what we're going to do.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I'm going to report to the Area Dean
0:25:00 > 0:25:02that I'm satisfied that Canon law was followed.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07And you are going to destroy this. Completely.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Someone's coming. Quick. It might be The Area Dean.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17- Eat it.- What? Oh, come on. - Eat it. In the name of Church unity.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Eat it. Eat it all! - 'Hell-oo.'
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I can hear a woman's voice.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Oh, no, it's Nigel. - Hello, Archdeacon.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I'm so glad you're here. We do need to discuss
0:25:27 > 0:25:29how to prevent the pigeons making such a mess.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I wish I had married them now.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40The belief is that marriage is a Sacrament from God
0:25:40 > 0:25:42that can't be played around with.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45A Eucharist is only a Eucharist with bread and wine.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48A marriage is only a marriage with a man and a woman.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49If you can marry a man and man,
0:25:49 > 0:25:53then we might as well celebrate the Eucharist with beer and crisps.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Sounds good to me.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I don't understand why God hates poofs so much.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01He doesn't, Colin. God loves poofs.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03He loves us all. No.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I had great fun after the wedding.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10How many times? It wasn't a wedding.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I went with these two blokes to that sauna by the garage,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16and we all took MDMA.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Once they all started wanking each other off, I left.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- But it was fun up till then. - Well, that's a lovely story, Colin.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Can we talk about something else now?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I don't mind them kissing.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30It's all that bum sex that's wrong.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33You should only do that with a woman.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Did you tell the Archdeacon I did a gay wedding?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39No.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Do you want me to? - No, because I haven't done one.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Yet.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Jeremy Walter Turner, will you take Robert John Crosbie
0:26:52 > 0:26:54to be your husband?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him
0:26:58 > 0:27:00and, forsaking all others,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03be faithful to him, as long as you both shall live?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04I will.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Robert John Crosbie, will you take Jeremy Walter Turner
0:27:07 > 0:27:09to be your husband?
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and, forsaking all others,
0:27:15 > 0:27:19be faithful to him, as long as you both shall live?
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I will.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd