0:00:03 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30..to which I replied, "I was just lactating."
0:00:30 > 0:00:33A lot of people just need someone to talk to.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Loneliness. It's everywhere.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38It's a sort of invisible plague in the inner city.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42You know... Where DO all the lonely people come from?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45It's... It's awful.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Oh, don't take it off.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Well, we're going to eat soon.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I find it tends to put people off their food.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I'm sure this lot could do with some spiritual leadership.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02- Will you be saying grace later? - I don't think my wife would be very happy if I did that.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04She's the fun one over there.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07They've just employed her to head up their newly expanded Legal Aid department.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Do you work here too?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Er, no.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- What's your what's your line of...? - Er, I'm an artist.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Oh, I see. Oh, well, the sensitive types are huddling in the corner.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17What sort of stuff?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20All sorts. Sculpture, mostly, at the moment.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22This lot have commissioned me to do a piece for their large foyer,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25so I'm kind of obliged to turn up and say hello...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I see. What sort of thing?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Oh, it's pretty kitsch, really.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30It's a taxidermied piece
0:01:30 > 0:01:32where the jaws of increasingly aggressive animals
0:01:32 > 0:01:34swallow each other, ending with a man
0:01:34 > 0:01:37with a knife and fork tucking into a tiger's head.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39But I think, this lot, they just kinda like the title...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- Which is?- Natural Law.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Oh!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Mike. Mike Tobin.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Adam. Adam Smallbone.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Hang on... Are you Mike Tobin who won the Turner Prize?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- THE Mike Tobin.- Oh, that was a few years ago now.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01How often do you pray?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Um. Quite a lot, actually. - It fascinates me.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Is it formal? I mean, do you have a routine?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09You get down on your knees?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Sorry. I'm just...really interested in this stuff.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13No. It's lovely to be asked. It can be at anytime and any place
0:02:13 > 0:02:16and about anything. In my case, it's often a bit of a moan...
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Adam, I'm going to ask you something straight.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Has anyone ever exhibited in St Saviour's?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- Because I'm looking for a church. - Are you?- Yeah.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Well, we just have a school art competition every year...
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Come on, quick, you two! Time to eat. What a bunch of wankers!
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Not you two.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35This is your moment, isn't it?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Come to St Saviour's on Sunday.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I will. I'd love to.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44GLASS CLINKS
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Hello, everyone.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50As well as being Alex's very, very proud husband,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I am also a priest, and I just wanted to offer a short grace,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55if nobody minds.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Benedict Domine nos et donna tua...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02So embarrassing! No-one knew where to look.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03I've said I'm sorry.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05And why in Latin? You were just showing off.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Ut illis salubriter nutriti tibi debitum...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09No. I don't need to hear it again!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- You love it when I speak Latin... - No.- Yes, you do.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- You're a big shot now. I'm so proud of you.- No, I'm not.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20You're so powerful. It's frightening but it's also very sexy...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- Is it?- Yeah.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24BABY CRIES OVER MONITOR
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Oh, bollocks.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Why is she so loud?!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31She wants your boobs...
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- I'll go.- No, I'll go.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS IN CAR
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Erm, excuse me...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I think you dropped this?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Oh, did I?
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Woops. Looks like I dropped that, as well. Pick it up, ladyboy!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02YOUNG MEN LAUGH
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Oh, bollocks.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08No, Ellie, I wish I hadn't told you now...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11They're going to close the church and you weren't going to tell me.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12MIGHT close the church, and I just did!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I just hadn't had a chance with your divorce and everything.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Look, it's not actually going to happen.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18I only need about 60 grand.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I just have to tell you in case you want to talk to the
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Diosossossosso...
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Sorry, not funny. The Diocesan Board for schools.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29And see what my options are? Great, Adam, thanks.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Now, listen, on my way here, I had to have some stern words
0:04:32 > 0:04:34with a group of lads who were chucking stuff out of a car window
0:04:34 > 0:04:36and it made me think,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38have you ever done a litter pick with the children?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Don't change the subject. I will obviously get stuck
0:04:41 > 0:04:44with either halitosis-ridden Father Winters at St Art's
0:04:44 > 0:04:47or grinning Nick Archdale from St Botolph's, won't I?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I think I'd rather put up with your disorganised shambles
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- than face either of them. - Oh, thanks(!)
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- No, Adam, I don't mean that. - No, I know.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56We understand, don't we, Katie?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Yes.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I just thought we should do a St Saviour's litter pick, that's all.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Kids, parents, you, me.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Start at the church, Honeycombe Estate,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08down to the canal, back to the church. Fun.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11As long as you provide the gloves and special tongs.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- I'm not touching anything. - Oh, well, great, that was easy.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Anyway, look, they can't just kick me out.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I'd have to retire or something, which is out of the question.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Have some faith. The Good Lord will provide.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Well, you'd be terribly missed here by the children.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Just the children?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30And by me, of course.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Oh, really? Why?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- Oh, for goodness sake, don't be pathetic.- Why will you miss me?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- REALLY why?- Yeah.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Because you do what you're told.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Mike Tobin does conceptual stuff mostly.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Quite bold and shocking, some of it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Is it? Or is it bullshit?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59But in a way, all art is an attempt, at some level,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01to describe creation,
0:06:01 > 0:06:06so you could argue that it's always a religious act.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16I was a life model for a bit.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- Were you, Colin? - It was a wonderful time for me.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23That's good to hear.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28People came to the classes and, you know, they liked me.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Did they?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Yeah, it's just that, well, I'm quite big, Adam. Down there.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Are you?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It's where I get all my confidence from.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41And all these people...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44they used to gather in this lovely room every week...
0:06:44 > 0:06:47and I'd get undressed...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50and they'd study it...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52then draw it.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I see.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58It was the most sexually dynamic period of my life, Adam.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01They could smell it on me. They wanted me.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Do you and Alex do it much now or does she prefer breastfeeding?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:14 > 0:07:20# Did such love and sorrow meet
0:07:20 > 0:07:24# Or thorns compose
0:07:24 > 0:07:28# So rich a crown... #
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Where is Chris today, Ellie?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I don't know, Adoha.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Oh, I am sorry not to see him here today.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I'm not. We're getting divorced.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39What a space.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Sort of distressed Georgian.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42It's like a huge metaphor for our degraded culture.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You know, I would love to do a piece right here.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Something bold, simple.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51CAMERA CLICKS Do you mind if I take a few photos?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53No, no, help yourself.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Don't be shy.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Oh, great.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Always gets me, this First World War stuff.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Me too.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Are you a regular church goer, Mike?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I started going a couple of years ago...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08when I stopped drinking...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10after my wife died.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Thank you. Yeah, it was a mellowing period.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Adam, could I have a word?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Yes, Nigel. Excuse me, Mike.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Do I gather that you are proposing to let Michael Tobin,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27the so-called artist, exhibit in this church?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30It's Mike. Possibly, I think it could be wonderful for us.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Michael Tobin who came to prominence
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- displaying his dead parents embracing in an open coffin?- Yes.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- We get on really well.- Michael Tobin who did a portrait of the Queen
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- with a penis instead of a face? - Yes. But he's mellowed, he's quite spiritual now. It's Mike.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- How much are you charging him? - Nigel, please don't be mercenary.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48We need £60,000, Adam, by the next Deanery Synod in two months. It's not going away.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Look, in the first instance, this is a creative collaboration
0:08:51 > 0:08:53between St Saviour's and a celebrated artist,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57and secondly, everyone knows the last thing you do with rich people is talk about money.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58They absolutely hate it.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Hopeless.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Listen, Mike, it's obviously a huge honour
0:09:04 > 0:09:06to have you here at St Saviour's and probably far too early
0:09:06 > 0:09:09to see anything, but do you have any sense of what sort of thing
0:09:09 > 0:09:11it might actually be, at this point,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- in the broadest possible sense? - I don't know yet.- No, of course not.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16At all?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Sculpture, probably. Human form.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20In a state of grace, somehow.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Oh, yes.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I don't want you to worry.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26You won't be getting a Mike Tobin shock rock.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30For me, the Church is all about... Well, it's about redemption.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Me too. Well, I can't say I'm not relieved to hear it.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- I'm sure it'll be absolutely brilliant.- I like paintings, Mike.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Will it be a painting of Jesus?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- Er, I don't really do paintings. - (Too difficult.)- What?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Michael, can I just say that, thrilled as we all are
0:09:44 > 0:09:46at the prospect of your exhibit,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49our church is in dire straits financially,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51and I think I speak for all of us when I say that anything
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- you could give us in the way of a donation...- Mike, I'm so sorry, would excuse us for one second?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Will you shut up? What's the matter with you?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- That was incredibly rude. - I'm trying to help.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03If you want to help, pick up the service sheets,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05or do some hoovering instead of making a scene.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I'm sick of being treated like a skivvy
0:10:07 > 0:10:09while you jeopardise everything I love!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I've had enough!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Mike, what's the name of that photographer that done
0:10:14 > 0:10:15the tennis player scratching her arse?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Sorry about that, Mike, I can only apologise for Nigel. Extraordinary.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23It's fine, honestly. In fact, erm, I'd love to make a donation...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25That is incredibly kind of you
0:10:25 > 0:10:27but we couldn't possibly accept anything from you.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30The life and inspiration that you are bringing into our lives
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- is a huge gift in itself. - How much do you need?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Oh, well... Ha... About 60 grand...ish.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Yeah, OK, so that should be fine.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Um... - I'll have my foundation organise it.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41That's...
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- Thanks. - Hey, Mike? Who done this one?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Bye!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Wow. What a cultured and extraordinary man.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I said the Good Lord would provide and he actually has.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00BIRDS CAW ABOVE
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Listen, Colin, can you hear them?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- What?- Seaside holiday sounds, here in the inner city.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08You don't expect it, somehow.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Do you think they could be angels, Adam?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14ADAM CHUCKLES
0:11:14 > 0:11:17They could be, Colin...
0:11:17 > 0:11:19they could be.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21I'm home!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Oh, we know who that is, don't we?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27That's Mumsy-wumsy just come back on a Sunday.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Hello, darling! Is Daddy still talking to you
0:11:30 > 0:11:33in that incredibly irritating baby voice?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Did you remember to pick up dishwasher tablets?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Oh, bollocks. Sorry, I forgot.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Have you fed her?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- I was just about to. - Well, what with?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Everything's filthy. Honestly, Adam!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Come here. You look lovely.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51No. I'm cross. You're hopeless.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Alex, something's amazing's happened.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Mike Tobin is offering us a donation of £60,000
0:11:56 > 0:12:00in return for using the church on the 15th. I know!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Nothing certain yet, obviously, but it would save our bacon.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Oh, that's wonderful.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I can't really believe it. It's like a miracle.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Manna from heaven.- Yes! - Did you say on the 15th?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Yes, you are coming, aren't you?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Adam, I can't, I've got a client dinner that night.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Oh, right, OK.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Actually, it isn't, really.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- What?- Alex, I know you have this big important job
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and you hate the fact that I'm looking after our daughter this week
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and you've always been very vocal about how annoying it is
0:12:29 > 0:12:31being married to a vicar, but, on this occasion,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33after a quite long and quite stressful period,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35something actually miraculous has happened
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- and it... - DOOR BELL RINGS
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It would be really lovely to be married to someone
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- who appeared to give a shit! - Listen!- And also, it would be great
0:12:42 > 0:12:45if we actually had sex once in a while.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Mick? - Nah, nah, nah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Sonata.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Oh, right, I see. Hello, Sonata.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Yeah, that's it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Want some action, sweetheart?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Erm, no, not really.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07You don't know what you're missing.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08I've got a pretty good idea.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I'll be yours all night for 2,000.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15You can take me to the opera, up the West End,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17dinner with your friends...
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- No, thanks.- You so sexy.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Give you full service - £150...
0:13:22 > 0:13:23No!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- £50?- No!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- £30?- No, Sonata, I'm not interested.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- £5?- Please stop doing that, Sonata,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'm not going to pay you to have sex.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Why not? I'll lend you the money.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Sorry, Mick, we're in the middle of a row at the moment
0:13:37 > 0:13:39and we'd quite like to get back to it, if that's all right.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43If you need me anytime...just call Sonata.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Bye-bye, sweetie.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Well, there you go. I don't know what you're complaining about.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Run, you might catch her.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Alexandria was here, like this...
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Yes, I know...
0:13:55 > 0:13:59"Aaah! Aaah!", and I lay there, in her liquids...
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- Uh-huh...- and I brought your daughter into this world.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Yes, we have been over this.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Yes, but I did it. Not you. And I saw everything.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12And that's why you can't christen her. I understand.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14It's just because we haven't had time yet.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18But £60,000! You really are quite something.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- No, don't tease me.- Yes.- No.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Who'd have thought it? A Mike Tobin Pop-up at St Saviour's.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- It's more of a private view, actually.- Oh, what is it?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Um...it's a one-off before it gets donated to the Tate.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31I'm sure. Have you seen it?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Sculpture. It's redemptive in some way.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- You haven't seen it.- Not the absolutely finished article, no.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Wonderful(!)
0:14:38 > 0:14:40You're displaying a piece you haven't seen by an artist
0:14:40 > 0:14:43famous for his depictions of sexual depravity.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44How clever you are(!)
0:14:44 > 0:14:47But I'm not worried. He's mellowed, his wife died,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- and he's actually a churchgoer now. - How moving(!)
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I've got the Diocesan Secretary breathing down my neck,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55and you're on her shit list, as you know.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59But if Mike Tobin can actually make you solvent, she can't touch you.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- Great.- Mess it up and it'll be like watching a killer whale
0:15:01 > 0:15:03toss a baby seal in the surf.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Now. What about my tickets? I want to come.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Shall I slip in the back entrance?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10I'll see what I can do.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Would it help if I dropped you at the church?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Driver, the failing old church on the high street, please.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Quick as you can.- Thank you.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Nigel, where have you been? I've been trying to get hold of you
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- to tell you about Mike Tobin's donation. It's amazing. - PHONE BEEPING
0:15:24 > 0:15:26The phone's going off the hook for the show.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28And he's sent us a huge bottle of champagne,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30which I can't wait to share with you.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Also, I'm really sorry about yesterday. Please, let's talk.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Oh, and also that light has come on the photocopier again
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- which I think is low ink, isn't it? - PHONES BEEPING / RINGING
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Anyway, can you call me? Bye.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Is Katie here?- Hello, Colin! - MULTIPLE PHONES RINGING
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Hello, St Saviour's?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Well, it's by invitation only... - BABY CRIES
0:15:48 > 0:15:50..through the Michael Tobin Foundation. Yes. Bye.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I think I'm going to have to leave a message.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- AUTOMATED VOICE: - Announcement one.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58You have reached the offices of St Saviour's.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Any enquiries about the Mike Tobin event should be directed...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- BABY CRIES - Colin, this is hopeless.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Don't worry, Vicarage. I'll walk her round the church.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07PHONE RINGS
0:16:07 > 0:16:10# Rock a bye baby
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# On the tree top... #
0:16:12 > 0:16:16"One rules, justly over men,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- "ruling in..." - BABY CRIES
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Oh, it's not very good, is it?
0:16:20 > 0:16:24# Onward Christian Soldiers... #
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Oh, for God's sake. Katie, can't you shut the fuck up?!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Let's try this.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37CRYING STOPS
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Ah! You like that, don't you, eh?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Just like her mum.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45There you go.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Honestly, this is the worst bit of the whole area.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Colin...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I've found some dog poo, miss.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Don't sniff it, Simon! That's disgusting!
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Leave it to an adult.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04So, how's single life, Miss Patman?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Met anyone nice?- Not really.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I shagged my Pilates instructor.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Really?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Fun?- Physically, yeah.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Well, you're looking good on it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19I found some more!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Don't move, Simon,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Reverend Smallbone's coming to help you.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32SOUNDTRACK - CHILDREN SINGING: # One more step along the world I go
0:17:32 > 0:17:36# One more step along the world I go
0:17:36 > 0:17:40# From the old things to the new
0:17:40 > 0:17:44# Keep me travelling along with you
0:17:44 > 0:17:48# From the old, I travel to the new
0:17:48 > 0:17:52# Keep me travelling along with you
0:17:52 > 0:17:56# Round the corner of the world I turn
0:17:56 > 0:18:00# More and more about the world I learn
0:18:00 > 0:18:04# All the new things that I see
0:18:04 > 0:18:07# You'll be looking at along with... #
0:18:07 > 0:18:10HARD TECHNO MUSIC
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Unbelievable. They're doing it again.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Excuse me. We talked about this before, didn't we?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18YOUTH: Back up, man!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Keep calm, Ellie. Sometimes you've got to stand up for what's right.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Little bitch. What?!- Put it in your ball sack.- What? What you gonna do?!
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Lick it off the dirty bitch.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38What you doing?!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Give me that, Simon.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Come on then! Don't you want it? Cos I LIKE IT!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49No...
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Ellie...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Sorry about that...everyone.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Wow.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Are you OK?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Never better.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I've got some champagne in the vestry.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20My clothes are disgusting. Have you got anything I can borrow?
0:19:20 > 0:19:26Um... Only some cassocks and some overalls, I'm afraid.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Here it is...
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Courtesy of Mike Tobin. - Excellent.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That really suits you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Would you like to try this hat on, as well?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- You've still got a bit of dried milkshake in your hair.- Have I?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01May I?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Thank you for being so kind, Adam.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09You were great today.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- Was I?- Mm-hmm.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13So were you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Is it out now?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Almost.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Sorry.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47It's OK.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51But we better stop now.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55STAIRS CREAK / MAN CLEARS THROAT
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Hello?- Hello.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- Are you playing a game? - We're just changing.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Your faculty permission has arrived for your pop-up.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08But you've got to sign this letter of indemnity
0:21:08 > 0:21:10to protect the 'art'.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11I use the term loosely.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Oh, brilliant. Shall I do that now, then?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Haven't seen you for a couple of days. Are you OK?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Would you like some champagne?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34'Dear Lord, I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35'What have I done?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37'Did Nigel see Ellie and me?
0:21:37 > 0:21:38'He did, didn't he?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41'He could have done, then crept down the stairs,
0:21:41 > 0:21:42'coughed and come up again...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45'It's the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life, isn't it?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48'Yes, it is. I feel sick.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51'Should I kill myself?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54'But how bad was it, really?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58'You still hate extramarital sex, don't you? But just kissing?
0:21:58 > 0:21:59'No, I know.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02'I've given to Ellie what I swore to give all my life
0:22:02 > 0:22:04'in a blessed sacrament to Alex.
0:22:04 > 0:22:10'And look at Katie, so innocent, so helpless, and I am disgusting.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13'How can I atone? What should I do? Tell me.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16'Please. I'll do anything. Anything at all...'
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- COCKNEY ACCENT:- Excuse me, young lady, this is a hard hat area.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Adam, what on earth are you doing?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I've come to repair your lift.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39OK, right... Oh!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Is the hard hat a fantasy thing?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Oh, Adam, you're very sweet...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Take it off, come on. Come to bed.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I'm sorry I've been so horrid recently.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58You're lovely and sexy and I'm awful and grumpy.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- No, you're not.- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.- Yes, I am.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Come on then, Reverend Bigbone.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Thank you for changing your plans, Alex.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21This'll be much more fun than a client dinner.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23What's the matter?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I love you so much. That's all.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29There's no need to look so miserable about it. Come on.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Hello.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Thank you.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38And what are you calling this?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Beyond Belief.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Hello.
0:23:42 > 0:23:48Hello, Adoha. Isn't it wonderful, all these people?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- How is little Katie?- She's fine. Pooing like a St Bernard.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Do you want to look after her? - Oh, yes, please.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I wish it was her christening, though.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Oh, good, there's Ellie.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Hi!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- All right, Vicarage, this is great, innit?- Yes...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Oh, you've got...a whole bottle. Well done.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I remember seeing his end of year show at Camberwell years ago.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15He was experimenting with concepts of cannibalism
0:24:15 > 0:24:17in the communion ritual.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Sounds awful.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21No, no, I loved it.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Can I just say how proud we are to have Mike Tobin here.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33He's given us the huge honour of unveiling his new sculpture
0:24:33 > 0:24:36here at St Saviour's and so, without further ado,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38if you're happy, Mike?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Oh, yes, sorry. Yes, the music, yeah.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Gosh, it's all quite exciting, isn't it?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Ladies and gentlemen, this is Beyond Belief.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59CROWD GASP
0:24:59 > 0:25:02APPLAUSE
0:25:20 > 0:25:23(It's not true, it's not true, it's not true.)
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Why are you doing this? What are you trying to say?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I thought we were friends!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I give you my church, a place of worship and community,
0:25:40 > 0:25:41and you just use...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44You photograph me and you exploit me for this pornographic crap...
0:25:47 > 0:25:48It's not personal, Adam.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50CROWD GASP
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Beyond belief?!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55What's beyond belief is that this sort of bollocks
0:25:55 > 0:25:57gets any credence at all.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- Get out! Get out now!- Adam!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Get out of my church!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, dear, it seems we're casting the money lenders out of the temple.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06He wasn't lending it, he was giving it.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Adam!- Get out!- Adam! Stop!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I spend my life in this place trying to do the right thing,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14and you put my face on that...
0:26:14 > 0:26:15That shit.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- What?- I am not perfect, God knows, but I am not THAT MAN.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22What are you talking about? It's not your face.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26It's not your face, Adam.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- It's not your face, darling. - It's not your face, Adam.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- What? - Yeah, it's his face.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Is it?- Yeah.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Oh, dear.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40It's my face, Adam. I'm the priest.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42And that woman is my wife.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43(Pretentious.)
0:26:43 > 0:26:45My dead wife.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48So it is.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Right. Gosh. Right. Umm...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54How...embarrassing.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I'm so terribly, terribly sorry.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02I've made a bit of a scene for no real reason.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I shall of course make it up to you.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Erm... How much was it?
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Well, don't worry about the sculpture. It's a cast, anyway.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13And I won't worry about the donation, if that's OK.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17No...of course not, in the circumstances.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Brilliant(!)
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Shall we go?