0:00:02 > 0:00:13This programme contains some strong language
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# I couldn't hear nobody pray
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- # I couldn't hear nobody pray - Hear nobody
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Remember that you are dust,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36and to dust you shall return.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Remember that you are dust,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46and to dust you shall return.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53So I had the pleasure of a DAC meeting with the Diocesan Secretary
0:00:53 > 0:00:55and the new Area Dean last night.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58It was like being trapped in a threesome with Ann Widdecombe
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and Theresa May, but not quite so much fun.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04The issue of St Saviour's annual audit came up...
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Ah, yes, yes, I know. I understand.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08If we can't prove we're solvent by then, we're toast.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12"Toast" being an ecclesiastical term meaning "facing redundancy".
0:01:12 > 0:01:15St Saviour's is not going to close. We're going to get the money.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Various ideas were floated for future uses of the building.
0:01:17 > 0:01:23Flats, a nightclub, or London's most distinctive Tesco Metro.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25It's never seriously going to become a Tesco's?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Look, nobody wants to see the body and blood of our lord Jesus Christ
0:01:28 > 0:01:30be replaced by Fridge Raiders and bottles of WKD
0:01:30 > 0:01:32on a shelf where the altar used to be.
0:01:32 > 0:01:37But, fail that audit, that's what's going to happen.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Hello, I'm Adam.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Ah, George.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- Best not to be mistaken for a careless arsonist.- Quite.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I've seen you here almost every day this week, haven't I?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Sorry, I'm probably overdoing it!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Not at all! There's plenty of room, as you can see.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I've got more time on my hands than I'm used to.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- I'm taking a break from work. - What line of work are you in?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Adam, everyone wants to know when you're going to baptise lovely Katie.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Adoha, I'd love to do it right away,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14but sadly we don't do baptisms during Lent.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18But until she's baptised she's defenceless against Satan's claws!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20You leave Satan's claws to me.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23If necessary, I'll distract them...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25with your delicious biscuits.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- SHE GIGGLES Please, take one!- Thank you.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You first!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Great news, girls!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Guess what? New parishioner, an accountant!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43And not just any accountant - ex-City, blue chip corporate,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47and he's agreed to help us with the audit! Hooray!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Also, I bought myself a birthday cake.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55Pathetic, I know, but you're so busy, and I just thought...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Oh, hello, Ellie.- Hello, Adam.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Hiya, darling. We're just having a chat.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Right.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- I should go.- Why? It's only Adam.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Pretend he's not there, it works for me.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Yeah, please don't go, Ellie. - I think I'm all talked out, anyway.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13What were you talking about?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Oh, just picking over the shrapnel
0:03:16 > 0:03:18from the exploded bomb of my marriage.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Chris has moved in with a woman from Cadbury's head office.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh, right.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27How terrible. I'm so sorry, Ellie.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I'm relieved he's got somewhere else to sharpen his pencil.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33And when I say pencil, I mean the really tiny ones you get from IKEA.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- See you later, Alex.- OK, bye.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44So, cup of tea?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Plus, chocolate Hobnobs.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49You only live once. Unless you're a Hindu, lucky buggers.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- What's going on?- What do you mean?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- Why are you being weird? - I'm not being weird.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Why did Ellie run away like a lobster jumping out of a saucepan?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I don't know, maybe she's got a hot date? Back on the horse?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- How was your day, my love? Where's Katie?- Sleeping.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Tell me.- Tell you what?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Adam, this is me you're talking to, your wife, who knows you quite well.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14You couldn't look more guilty if you'd accidentally crucified Christ.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- Tell me what happened. - Nothing happened.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17What could possibly have happened?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Has something happened between you and Ellie?- No!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Did you get drunk and make a pass at her again?- Of course not!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Now, much more important question,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30what sort of sausages do you want for dinner?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33There's poncey, with apple,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35or normal, with sausage?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Put the sausages away and tell me the truth.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43OK. Something... something sort of happened.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45But it was something so small that it was closer to nothing.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47It was just a, just a mistake.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49What, you tripped up on a rug and your willy went in her?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:04:55 > 0:04:56It was just a kiss.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58You kissed Ellie?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00It was more of a j-joke than anything else.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Yeah, sounds fucking hilarious. - Well, come on.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Remember when you kissed that Brian bloke at that party?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06That was Brian!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I was pissed out of my mind, and I did it in front of you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10What, and that makes it better?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Better than doing it behind my back and lying about it!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I wasn't lying about it, I just hadn't told you yet.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- And when were you planning on telling me?- At the correct time.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- At the appropriate time. - I can't believe this.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I am barely keeping my sanity together with a new job,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25and Katie, and two hours' sleep a night,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27and you're running around like Reverend fucking Hard-On,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30sexing it up with shitting Ellie!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32KATIE CRIES
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- Shall I go and check on Katie...? - Don't. You just go.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- Go?- Yeah.- Go where?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I don't know. Just go.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50DOOR SLAMS
0:05:57 > 0:05:59HE EXHALES SLOWLY
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Hello, Nigel.- Hello, Adam.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Boiler exploded at the vicarage. Water everywhere.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Oh, no.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16Alex has taken Katie to her dad's. Muggins here caught the short straw.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25You can't sleep here.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30You...could stay at my flat?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32That's very kind of you, I couldn't possibly...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Oh, no, no, it'd be perfectly OK.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Just, just give me an hour or two
0:06:37 > 0:06:39to, to tidy up after, after Cherry.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Cherry, your girlfriend Cherry?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Yeah. The place is filthy.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46She's, er, she's a real...
0:06:46 > 0:06:47slut.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Here we are, then, home sweet home.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Cherry got called to Paris in a hurry.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Ah, right.- Modelling.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05She's not a supermodel, she's just a...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07a model.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10She's not a ten, you know. Eight, eight-and-a-half tops.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13That's one of her favourites.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Yes, that's...lovely.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22So, shall I go on the sofa, then, if you're in the bedroom?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Oh, actually, this... this is the bedroom.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Thought perhaps we could top and tail?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Yes, why not?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Brilliant.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33BED CREAKS
0:07:33 > 0:07:36This is so kind of you.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Och.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I keep telling her, "Just put them in the basket!"
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Will she listen? Not on your nelly.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Do you mind, I...
0:08:00 > 0:08:03..WE usually go to sleep listening to an audiobook.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05No, no, that's fine.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10"I put two guns out, I got the tanks out..."
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Good night, Adam. - Night, Nigel.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16'Hello, any call sign, this is Bravo Two Zero, over.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20'Nothing. We were approaching about seven o'clock in the morning now,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23'and it actually started to rain. We couldn't believe it,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26'we're in the middle of the desert and it's starting to rain.'
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- I've seen worse accounts, although not many.- Right.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35But I'll get you through the audit.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- I've found a few thousand pounds' worth of holes we can plug right away.- A-ha!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Have you tried sale and leaseback on the church property?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44What about renegotiating the energy contracts?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- No, no, no, sounds amazing! - DOOR OPENS
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Adam, I was hoping we... Oh, hello.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Hello, Nigel. Have you met George?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Hello. Happy to be joining the team.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57George is a top City accountant who's up for being church treasurer!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59What?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- But I'm the treasurer. - Acting treasurer.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Can I show you something in the gallery? Excuse me, George.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Look, we're in desperate need of help. The accounts are going to be late again.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14George can make a huge difference.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17You'd be the first to admit you're not a financial wizard.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20No, I would not. Do you even know anything about him?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I know he was a Senior Accounting Officer for ten years.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Try telling that to the Trojans.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Well, I'm sure he's not packed with Greek warriors.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Come on, let's go back in there, put the kettle on,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32talk him through the books.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37How's the patient, doc?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Well, I'm not sure whoever did these ever quite got the hang of Excel...
0:09:40 > 0:09:43CROCKERY SMASHES
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Mug.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49It's best to leave Nigel alone when he's in that sort of mood.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51It saves a lot of money on crockery.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Well, here's to saving St Saviour's.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55It's so great you're getting involved.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You're helping me as much as I'm helping you.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Now, you have to be elected Treasurer before you can sign off on a financial report,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- so once you've done a basic CRB check I can just...- CRB?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Criminal Records Bureau. It's average church red tape.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- You'll get used to it, I'm sorry to say.- Right.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17Look, I...probably should have mentioned this earlier, but I...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20..just got out of prison two months ago.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Oh.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I served a three-month sentence
0:10:25 > 0:10:29for offences relating to internet...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34..to child images.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Oh, right.- I...don't do that sort of thing any more.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I don't even have a computer. But I...should have told you.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45It's just difficult to find the right time.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- First date, second date, you know? - Yes.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Anyway...look, it's probably easier if I just go.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59No, no, you don't have to.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Thanks for the coffee.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Make yourself comfy!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Are you sure, Colin? This is incredibly kind of you.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I haven't seen the bloke from the room next door since Thursday.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17He won't miss his mattress.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19MUSIC AND VOICES OUTSIDE
0:11:19 > 0:11:22You know what? My mate European Bob's a top plumber.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Well, he used to be, before he started on the smack.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And he's not really a mate. In fact, he's a knob,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31but I could ask him to have a look at your boiler.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I really don't think you need to do that, Colin, but thanks.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36You'll have to mind out for Bongo.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39She might rub herself up against you during the night,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41or fart on your head.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43DOG WHINES
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Found her on the streets.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Had to smuggle her in here cos they don't allow pets, the wankers.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I love this little twat.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52She's like my other half.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Sometimes we argue, like when she shat on my pillow,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00but we always kiss and make up in the end, don't we, eh, Bongo?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02HE KISSES BONGO
0:12:02 > 0:12:05I s'pose it's like any relationship, like you and Alex.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Yes, although these days with less of the...
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Shitting on the pillow?- I was going to say "kissing and making up".
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Just rub her nose in it. That's what I do. Don't I, eh?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Yeah!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Good girl, aren't you, eh?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21You're a beaut, aren't you?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Come here.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- Hi, Adam.- Hello, Ellie.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Interesting assembly this morning.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41No need to go quite so Old Testament on guilt, and sin,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43and begging God for forgiveness.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Unless you're trying to turn them all Catholic?- Ha.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- I might have gone in a bit...hard. - Mmm.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Or was it me you were targeting with your guilt gun?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Oh, no. No. Not at all.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Look, I won't keep you, I just wanted to say ...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01..would you mind terribly giving Alex a call?
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Alex? Why?- Well, because the other night, after you left...
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I basically sort of ended up telling her what happened between us.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- You did what? - She smoked it out of me.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11She's like bloody Perry Mason!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14That's just fucking great, Adam. And what did you tell her, exactly?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I told her nothing happened apart from a kiss,
0:13:17 > 0:13:20but she didn't believe me, and now she's not returning my calls.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23So I thought maybe if you told her how it really was...
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- I don't think she'll ever believe the truth coming from me...- No.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Playing the net in your game of emotional murder-tennis
0:13:28 > 0:13:30isn't massively appealing.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33So, if you don't mind...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Did she chuck you out? - Er, yeah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's OK. I'm sofa surfing.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46By sofa surfing, I mean
0:13:46 > 0:13:49sleeping on Colin's floor in the homeless hostel.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Ooh. Bloody hell.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54The one light in the darkness was this City accountant
0:13:54 > 0:13:56who's up for helping us out with our audit. But it turns out
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- he just got out of jail for child pornography offences.- What?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Has he been near the school? - No, I don't think so.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04He hasn't been back since he told me.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I can't help thinking, what he did was terrible,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09but shouldn't the church be some sort of sanctuary...?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I can't really deal with this right now, Adam.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Sure. Of course. I'm sorry.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Oh, by the way, happy birthday.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20It is today, isn't it?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22It's tomorrow, actually. But thanks.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25See ya.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30SHE SIGHS
0:14:40 > 0:14:43To be honest, I was surprised when your number came up.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I thought perhaps you'd left your phone in your pocket
0:14:46 > 0:14:47- and your bum was calling me.- No.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- I don't want you to feel St Saviour's has closed its doors to you.- That's really...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53that means a lot.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Now, I have spoken to the Diocesan Safeguarding Officer,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00he's agreed that it's fine for you to attend services
0:15:00 > 0:15:03as long as you sign this Offender's Agreement.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09"George agrees to take responsibility to move away
0:15:09 > 0:15:13"if a child or young person should sit next to him at church."
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- I'm happy to discuss the wording. - No, it's fine.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Of course I'll sign it. But I'm NOT a danger to children.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I've never touched a child, and I never would.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24But you are on the sex offenders' register for child porn offences,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- so you can understand our concerns...- It's not child porn.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Pornography implies consent.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33The correct term is child abuse images.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- Right.- Sorry. I learned that in treatment.- Look...
0:15:38 > 0:15:41..George, I'm not here to put you on trial.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I'm assuming you're the victim of some sort of child abuse yourself...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47No.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Oh.- No, I've had a pretty ordinary life.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Until recently, anyway.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Look...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I've used porn as long I can remember.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02And when the internet arrived, the stuff I was looking at
0:16:02 > 0:16:04got harder and harder, and...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06younger and younger.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I ended up crossing boundaries I swore I'd never cross.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12By the time the police came knocking,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I'd somehow amassed a collection of...
0:16:15 > 0:16:1730,000 images.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- Oh, good grief. - Somehow, you make it OK.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Tell yourself, "If I don't use a credit card, it's OK."
0:16:23 > 0:16:25"Someone else did it, so it's OK."
0:16:25 > 0:16:28But another part of you must have known...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30how awful it was?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32That's the horror.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34You know it's the worst thing in the world, but you can't stop.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38In a weird way, my arrest was the best thing that happened
0:16:38 > 0:16:41because that's what it did, arrest me.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45And I honestly don't know what else would have done.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51But now I'm going to a sex addicts' group, and I'm having therapy,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54and I'm taking anti-depressants to reduce my libido.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- And is all that...having an effect? - Yeah.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01And the biggest positive out of this nightmare has been finding a faith.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I know people expect me to reoffend.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07So, I start every day on my knees, and I never get off them.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Well, it's great to hear God's working in your life like that.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14A lot of God, and a little bit of medication.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Look, I should say that I had another look at your accounts...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Ah, yes.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25I wasn't quite aware of just how much trouble you're in.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Is it that bad? - The short answer is yes.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32But I'm still up for helping, if you'll have me?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Well, that's very...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- Is everything OK? - Yes, I thought it was...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- It's Orange. - Ah, two-for-one cinema tickets?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Well, I'm free most Wednesdays.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Every Wednesday, actually.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54'Dear Lord,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57'I know I'm not supposed to treat you like Father Christmas,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00'but please could you get Alex to forgive me?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04'"Get" sounds wrong, I mean "ask," next time you speak to her.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07'Not that you do actually speak to people, but you know what I mean.'
0:18:08 > 0:18:12'Also, thank you for the gift of George, the accountant.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14'Although, it's a bit like being given a Kinder Egg
0:18:14 > 0:18:16'with a tiny poo inside it.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19'People don't give you enough credit for having a sense of humour.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23'What he did makes my skin crawl, but I'm asking Alex for forgiveness,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25'how can I deny it to someone else...?'
0:18:25 > 0:18:27DOOR BURSTS OPEN
0:18:27 > 0:18:29LOUD CHAT AND LAUGHTER
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Ow. Ow.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Oi! Don't tread on my vicar!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38He's my vicar, you piece of shit!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40THEY SHOUT, GLASS SMASHES
0:18:41 > 0:18:43DOOR OPENS
0:18:43 > 0:18:46All right, that's it, break it up! Everyone, out.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Can't a guy have a bit of a party for his mate?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- You're ruining his birthday! - I don't care if it's his birthday!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56You can't sneak your mates in off the street.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58DOG WHINES Oh, Colin.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00You know the rules on pets.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03You've had your final warning. I'm going to have to serve you notice.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05For fuck's sake, Bongo!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I told you to stay under there, you pillock!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09And there's a waiting list, OK, mate?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- You're going to have to speak to your key worker.- Yes, OK, sorry.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Everybody, out.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17See you later, yeah?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21I'll call you when I get me mansion back, yeah?!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23There you go, bubbies. All strapped in, OK?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Mummy's just got to send a quick e-mail about a very annoying,
0:19:26 > 0:19:30very boring meeting, and then we'll be on our way.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Hi.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- How long have you been lurking there? - I haven't been lurking,
0:19:38 > 0:19:39I've been waiting to see you both.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Hello, sweetums... - Please don't wake her up.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Look, I just wanted to talk... - I don't want to talk to you.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- We're going to stay with my sister for a couple of days.- What? Why?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53I've got an enormous report to write, and Gemma said she'd help with Katie.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55You've got the vicarage all to yourself, you're welcome to it.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- You might have to fix the doorbell, though.- The doorbell?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01It kept ringing so I unplugged it, quite aggressively.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Look, you don't have to...
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- I can look after Katie. - Yeah, well.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Call me later, OK?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11What's the point in calling when you never answer the phone?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Oh, you want to do this now?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16OK, do this now.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I just... I wanted to explain to you what happened between Ellie and me,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- or rather what didn't happen. - We've been through this.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25No, we haven't, because you think it was much worse than it was.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30And if I'd just been completely honest straightaway, then we wouldn't be in this mess, so...
0:20:30 > 0:20:34the only flesh-on-flesh contact between Ellie and myself
0:20:34 > 0:20:35was in the lip area.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Everything else was clothed. - Dry humping?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40No humping, dry or otherwise.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45But there was some, breastual... there was some bosom contact.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Tit squeeze?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- Less of a squeeze, more of a... - Grope?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52One tit. The left one, I think.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Just Lefty? What about poor old Righty?- No, just the one.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01So...now you know everything. That's it. That's everything.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- And did you enjoy it? Was it nice? - No.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08OK, I did enjoy it a bit.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11But that doesn't mean I don't wish it never happened.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Adam, it's not about the...tits and the willies, and the fannies.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17It's about the hearts.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20You've broken mine.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26ENGINE STARTS
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Make a wish! Make a wish!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Ah, what a wonderful way to start.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Thank you, thank you. Adoha, can you cut some more slices?
0:21:45 > 0:21:51So, the first item on the agenda is the appointment of Treasurer.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54As we know, Nigel has been doing an excellent job
0:21:54 > 0:21:56for the last few years on a temporary basis,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58so, a round of applause for Nigel.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00THEY APPLAUD
0:22:00 > 0:22:03But we have a new parishioner, George, who has very kindly...
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Point of order, point of information.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I have information about the candidate for Treasurer
0:22:08 > 0:22:11that I must share with the members of the Parochial Church Council.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Get on with it, I want a slice of cake to go with me tea.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18When George first arrived on the scene, I couldn't help wondering,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22if he's such a financial big-shot, why is he unemployed?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24So, I did some digging,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26and it turns out he is not, in fact, on sabbatical,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30he was fired after he was arrested.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32So?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I have in my hand a piece of paper that reveals the true identity
0:22:36 > 0:22:41of the man Reverend Smallbone has invited into the very heart of St Saviour's.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43A convicted criminal who was released from prison
0:22:43 > 0:22:47just eight weeks ago after serving a sentence for child sex offences!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Oh, my word!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- Did you know about this? - Well, I...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58You knew, and you wanted to appoint him anyway?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00He's signed an Offender's Agreement.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03It's all been checked by the Diocesan Safeguarding Officer...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06But not by your congregation, because you knew we wouldn't have it.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Look, what George did was horrible, horrible,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11but he's been to prison,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- he's lost his family, his career... - It serves him right.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16And he'll do it again, that is what they do.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19How do you know that? Who are we to write him off as irredeemable?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I've never done any kiddie-fiddling, so I'll cast the first stone.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27He's not actually a kiddie-fiddler.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I've checked with the treatment centre, it seems he's doing OK.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The relapse rate for offenders like him having treatment is surprisingly low.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It's my assessment that he's a low risk.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37And vicars have a long history of being spot on
0:23:37 > 0:23:40when it comes to that particular assessment.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- The point is, there is a line, and you have crossed it.- Really?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Is one sin so bad it trumps all the others?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47It's God's job to forgive, not yours.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Would you be so eager to forgive George if he wasn't offering you free accounting services?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Yes, of course.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55The bottom line is, you knew the truth
0:23:55 > 0:23:57and you kept it from your congregation.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Which seems to be becoming a bit of a habit lately.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02What's that supposed to mean?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I notice the boiler seems to be working fine, there's no sign of flood damage.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Or...of Alex.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Have Alex and Katie left you, Adam?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17A bit.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Is it cos you're a paedo, too?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Did you meet this bloke at paedo club?- No, of course not.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24There's no such thing as paedo club.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28The first rule of paedo club is, don't talk about paedo club.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30You might want to check your commandments, Father.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Especially number nine, about bearing false witness.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37And the one about harbouring paedophiles that would've been there if it wasn't so bloody obvious!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Look, I'm sorry I lied about Alex.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42That was probably... Well, no, it was definitely wrong.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I just can't believe that you would appoint a child sex offender
0:24:45 > 0:24:47as Treasurer over...over me.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51I can't believe you let a nonce on the premises, full stop.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I can't believe I gave him one of my biscuits.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Paedos are supposed to be sweaty wankers in tracksuits.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58He wears nice shirts.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01He's in disguise. It's sneaky.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Hands up all those who think George should be appointed treasurer?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08And all those against?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13OK, fine. Forgiveness has been outvoted.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16We are rejecting the free services of the top corporate accountant
0:25:16 > 0:25:19in favour of Nigel to get us through the church audit,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22a loyal and committed congregation member who finds it difficult
0:25:22 > 0:25:25to work out percentages even with the aid of a calculator.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I bet even Evan Davis finds percentages tricky.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Well, we don't have Evan Davis, do we? We have you. And me.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33And I calculate our percentage chance
0:25:33 > 0:25:37of saving this church from bankruptcy at roughly 0%.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39The church is going bankrupt?
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Technically, yes.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43SHE SIGHS
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Barring some sort of miracle.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47What about the thermometer?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I'm afraid the thermometer, not being a magical thermometer,
0:25:50 > 0:25:51isn't going to save us.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Look, we can save St Saviour's.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- We have to save St Saviour's.- Yes!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Let's put all this behind us and work together.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Let's fight together.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Take, eat.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17This is my birthday cake.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Do this in remembrance of me.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- I tell you what, this is fuckin' lovely.- Good.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Sorry I'm late.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Are you all right? What happened?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Colin.- Oh, no.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Look, I didn't tell anyone.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Well, I told one person.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- But Nigel found out on his own and...- It's not your fault.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59People are scared of me, and I don't blame them.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04I'm scared of me, too. But I'm doing my best.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08There'll always be a place for you in St Saviour's, George...
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- as long as it's still standing. - That's really kind,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13but I wanted you to know that I'm leaving.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15This church was a refuge for me,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18but now it just feels like somewhere else I'm not safe.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- PHONE RINGS - Sorry.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Parole Officer.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28It was good to meet you, Adam.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Hi, Anna. Yes, I'm fine.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Hello, Adam.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Alex!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Wow.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42It's wonderful to see you.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- KATIE WHIMPERS - And you, my little darling.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I thought about what you said.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50And, just for the record, I'm still really, really angry with you.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52And Ellie, but mainly you.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Fair enough.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57But I'm also aware of how little we've seen of each other lately.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Yeah.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Well, Katie, your new job, this place on its knees... It's a lot.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04So, on balance,
0:28:04 > 0:28:08I think the best thing might be to see more of each other, not less.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11But if you ever grope anyone's tits again apart from mine,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I will rip your bollocks off.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Thank you.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Thank you so much.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Hey, look, there's the vicarage, there. Come on, Bongo.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Hey.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Oi, Paedo! Get out my churchyard!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- Leave him, Colin! - Bongo, attack!
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Bongo, attack!
0:28:36 > 0:28:41For God's sake, Bongo! What is the point of you?!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Bongo! Come here!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Useless!