0:00:01 > 0:00:03I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05People tell me I've got the toughest job in town
0:00:05 > 0:00:08but I'm sure I'll find other things far more difficult.
0:00:08 > 0:00:12So I'm ditching my regular job and trying something completely different.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14This is my Work Experience.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18This programme contains adult humour and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23All I knew was I was going to a dairy farm so I needed to practise milking something.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28Unfortunately the only thing I found to milk was my flatmate, comedian Lloyd Langford.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- Ugh!- That's the way Lloyd, you're doing well now.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- You need to warm your hands up. - You need to warm your udders up.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35You've lost your rhythm there.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I have lost my rhythm now. It's not as easy as it looks, farming.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I'm not an expert, but I don't think it should be coming out
0:00:41 > 0:00:43of that part of the teat!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Look at that, our cup overfloweth, Lloyd.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Milking Lloyd with his rubber-glove udders gave me an invaluable insight
0:00:49 > 0:00:52into the difficulties I would face working with real cows.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01This is going to be pretty brutal. It's early mornings, it's manual labour.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Look at me, I've got hands like a snooker referee, not a farmer.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07It's a million miles away from what I do.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09The closest I've come to being a farmer is when
0:01:09 > 0:01:13I do a gig in England and somebody does a sheep noise at me.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18This is the farmyard and judging by the smell, I'm in the right place.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21'The thought of being a farmer made me as happy as a crated veal calf.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24'This pretty West Wales farm belonged to the Robinsons
0:01:24 > 0:01:26'and would be my home for the next few days.'
0:01:26 > 0:01:32- Hi.- Hi, I'm Ginsey- Hi, Rhod. I've been tiptoeing all the way here through the muck.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33- Yeah, you need wellies.- I do.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38'Luckily Ginsey was packing rubber - wellied up, we went to meet husband David.'
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- You have a weather cow, that's unusual.- I don't know how accurate it is.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46- If the BBC can't get it right, I'm not sure a cow can do it.- Ha-ha, yeah.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Hello. David.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Yes, hi.- Hello, Rod.- Hello.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51You've met your wife, Ginsey?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53'David had been farming all his life.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57'For a few days I would be his poo-spattered apprentice.'
0:01:57 > 0:02:01It's typical, you've turned up after all the morning work's been done.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- I'm very good at that. What am I going to have to do? - Anything that's going.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- I've got a list. - OK, what's a normal morning?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Milking, feeding the animals, bedding them down, clean the cows, feed the cows...
0:02:11 > 0:02:14'David's day sounded like a shopping list of all my fantasies.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16'I was too turned on to listen properly.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21'Something about milking a sheep, feeding a log and bedding a tractor.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24'One of the bulls recognised his late wife in my leather jacket,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27'so I picked something from David's "Farmani" collection.'
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I look like a slightly farmery version of the Red Devils.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Come here.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36You didn't pay me any attention in my London gear, now look at me!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Like one of the family, eh?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44'As a trainee farmer, my benefits package included a head-turning company car.'
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- Take a seat.- The seat I can do, I know where the seat is.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Seat, steering wheel, after that I'm lost.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52You have a key there that starts it.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53You pull the red button to stop it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57You have a horn... Spool valve control there, a spitter box, PTO.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02Deflock, two-wheel drive, four-wheel-drive, left hand PTO, it's now off.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07The gears in the normal position is one, straight back you get three.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Normally where you get three in a car you've got two, go straight back and you've got reverse.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15All fairly straightforward. Turn the key and it will start.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I'll level with you, I zoned out about four minutes ago.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Right.- Key?- Yes.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24ENGINE STARTS
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Oh, we're racing now.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I can field the wind in my hair.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33'I may have looked like a shit- stained Stig, but this wasn't Top Gear, this was the Tractor Factor.'
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- You have to reverse it now through that gate.- Really?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39What could possibly go wrong?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41This way.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Totally the wrong way.- No!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Totally the wrong way.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Why is it going that way?
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Why is it turning? I've got the bloody wheel straight.
0:03:52 > 0:03:58- It's absolutely impossible, what ever I do that trailer goes where it wants to go.- Whoa!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I almost hit the car.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Whoa...no, don't do that!
0:04:03 > 0:04:08He's been trying for about half-an-hour to get that trailer through this gateway.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12I've had enough of this! Argh!
0:04:12 > 0:04:13This is the one, it's a bit tight.
0:04:13 > 0:04:19I know this isn't how you wanted it, but it's in. The bloody thing's in, you can't complain about that.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22It's your trailer, David, there's something wrong with it.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Take it back, I would, take it back. Have you got the receipt?- Um...
0:04:25 > 0:04:30What sort of dung is this David? Not that it makes a great deal of difference to be honest with you.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34When you've had one forkful of shit thrown in your face you've had them all!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37This is the reality of a stable.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40You never have some kid coming home going,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"You'll never guess who they've cast me as in the nativity play, Mother.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48"They've given me this fork and I've got to shovel calf dung all the way through the performance".
0:04:48 > 0:04:53'It might sound strange, given I was inhaling neat cow's urine, but a little bit of me was enjoying this.'
0:04:53 > 0:05:01Come on! Never in the cesspit of human history has so much dung been shifted by so few.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I am the farmer, eat my dung.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11'But just as I was starting to enjoy it, it all went a bit CSI Llandissilio -
0:05:11 > 0:05:16'a neighbour's sheep had been attacked by dogs and David had been called in to deal with it.'
0:05:16 > 0:05:21I'm going to quickly, as they say, put it out of its misery.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23The sheep had been so badly mauled by the dogs
0:05:23 > 0:05:25there was no chance of recovery.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27GUNSHOT
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Is that it?- Yes.- Dead?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Yes, that's what the dogs have done to it.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- The dogs did that?- Yes.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42It's sort of...bringing me quite close to tears.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- The poor thing.- Mm.
0:05:47 > 0:05:53He just put that sheep to sleep and just to cheer us up we've come to have look at some piglets.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Ow! I just got bitten on the arse by a cow.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I tell you what, this is the highs and lows of farming in microcosm, isn't it?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04We've just put a sheep to sleep and now look at these.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- So these pigs will be eaten - bacon, gammon?- Yes.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- Sausages! Sausages! Sausages! - PIG GRUNTS
0:06:12 > 0:06:15He is, he's saying it!
0:06:15 > 0:06:20They're marvellous because they can eat the banana skins, apple cores, scraps.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25- Nature's recycler?- Yes.- Never mind all these green bags with food waste, just stick it in a pig?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Stick it through a pig. - Oh, she's having a pee.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Get away piglets. Look at that!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33They're too curious for their own good.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Get back, it's not the Trevi Fountain!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- When you've got to go... - On the nose!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39You've got to go when you got to go.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I know, but you don't have to go on your kids.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46'Back at our farm I had to get over to the cowshed
0:06:46 > 0:06:49'so David taught me how to tell a cow's arse from its elbow.'
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Rhod, you're off to spread the straw, but when you walk past the cows,
0:06:53 > 0:06:55give them a quick scratch as you walk by.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58It lets them know you're there so they won't kick you.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00If they don't know I'm there they won't kick out.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04No logic in that, they wouldn't kick if they didn't think I was there.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Yes, but if you actually startle a cow she'll kick.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Basically I've got to make my way through this,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13it's like some kind of... some kind of walk of death.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14How do I get through here?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Scratch, scratch, scratch. Don't kick me, please.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19COW MOOS
0:07:19 > 0:07:22This is what would happen if Harrison Ford was on Emmerdale.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Oh!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27They're closing ranks.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Come on, I'm supposed to be the farmer, I'm supposed to be in control of this situation.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34This is and Animal Farm, get out of the way.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Only me!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I've got to be very careful as well because
0:07:37 > 0:07:40there's two ends to a cow, one of them you see on butter adverts.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43And the other one's the one I'm worried about.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I'm not scratching you, look at the state of you.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Room service!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Don't move. Relax.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58My arms are absolutely on fire.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I hope you appreciate this.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Oi, I haven't finished with that!
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Don't eat your bed.
0:08:05 > 0:08:11'Evening and my biggest challenge so far, 50 milky space hoppers, one confined space.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15'It was time to put everything I'd learned milking Lloyd into practice.'
0:08:15 > 0:08:20It's quite scary being around them and you never know quite what's going to happen.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24'If Lloyd had done that when I milked him, I'd have doubled his rent.'
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Right, watch, Rhod. Left-hand just to let her know I'm there
0:08:28 > 0:08:30and give each teat a good wipe.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Squeeze a bit of milk on the floor to see they're working properly.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Right, now your turn.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I'm here.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Clean, clean, clean - this feels so wrong!
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Eugh!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I'm here, don't worry it's only me.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Really unpleasant.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I don't like it.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Is it still working?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53You're back left one's off. Put the back left one on, please.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Right, now you have to put the cluster on.- It's only me.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00This is the cluster. Got to try and get this on to this cow.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- Get it on nice and quietly. - Pop your little teat in there.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04HISSING SOUND
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Have it back!
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Yeah, all right.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18Then you do the next one, and the next one, and the next one until they're all finished.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20And stand back and let one in.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Right, going to let another one in.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25They are enormous animals
0:09:25 > 0:09:29and it is quite scary being near the back of them.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Go into slot two, please.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Oh no, not you. Oh no, not you.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Stand back, stand back.- Excuse me, would you mind?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Oh no, not another one, no, no. - Just be quiet.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Oh, no!
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- If you make too much noise they'll all start.- Really?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47They started it, if they stop doing it I'll stop making a noise.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Argh! Get off!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Sorry.- Now look what you've done.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I'll just conduct while these lot just...
0:09:54 > 0:09:59MUSIC: "Infernal Gallop" by Offenbach
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Instead of an orchestra and violinists and cellists,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I simply have cows' anuses and diarrhoea.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28You can't blame her not wanting to come in.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32If I was in the kitchen and my mother did that in the lounge, I wouldn't come in either.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34'I regretted making so much noise -
0:10:34 > 0:10:37'I think I'd rather go for a drink with Jeremy Kyle
0:10:37 > 0:10:39'than muck this place out again.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41'Luckily my next job was less traumatic.'
0:10:41 > 0:10:43You must be yesterday's calf?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Hey, come on.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48You're only a day old, you can't have an attitude.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Go on... - CALF MOOS
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Come on, it's nice. Come here.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- Enough of this.- Straddle it. - Straddle it, OK.- That's it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Come here.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I'm not going to ride you.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05'Even this little newborn dairy bull rumbled me. He wasn't born yesterday.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08'Well, he was, but he could still tell I was no farmer.'
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Come here.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Make the most of it I won't be here... Oh, sorry, sorry. Sorry.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Just to comply with EU rules, this calf has to be tagged.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21That's my herd number, and that's the calf number.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Is this going to hurt her?- Yes. - Oh...
0:11:24 > 0:11:26OK, OK, sh, there we are.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Come here. Come here.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31But it really hurts if you catch your finger skin in there.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I don't care about you, David.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35No offence.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Hey, come here, come here.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Come here, 344. HE did it. Come here.
0:11:39 > 0:11:45I was his mum for a few minutes, I fed him and then he got his ears pierced.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Like most kids, once they get their ears pierced they become stroppy teenagers
0:11:49 > 0:11:52and want nothing to do with their parents. That's their gratitude.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55You've changed. Come here, you're not David Bowie.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58'I'd worked harder than a skunk's PR man today.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02'Apparently the best way to unwind was by shooting a rabbit in the face.'
0:12:02 > 0:12:06We've come out to shoot rabbits, if there's any around.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08You want to go to Oxford Services.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Lots there, are there?- There's hundreds, just off the A40.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's a bit too far to go tonight.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Yes, and they don't like it if you start shooting in the car park.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21How many rabbits would you normally expect to get on a night like this, David?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24You'd see a couple of little bright eyes there.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- Bright eyes burning like fire? - No, they're sort of a greeny colour.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29No, it's a song.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Oh, right. - RHOD LAUGHS
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Bright eyes, they're a sort of greeny colour, isn't a very good song, to be honest David.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38# Bright eyes... #
0:12:38 > 0:12:41'Our pest control efforts were thwarted.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45'The rabbits had all gone to bed early to do what rabbits do best.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48'So we headed to the town's premier nightspot instead.'
0:12:48 > 0:12:49This is a very calm place, isn't it?
0:12:49 > 0:12:54This should be available as therapy on the NHS. Instead of whale music
0:12:54 > 0:12:58and wind chimes relaxation CDs should be cows getting ready for bed.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Stick this on a DVD, A Cowshed At Night.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05But you're only getting one dimension, half of the dimension is being there and feeling the cow.
0:13:05 > 0:13:11- You only get half a dimension with the whale music as well, to be fair. - True, yes.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- You would drown if you were with them.- All right, David, all right!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Sorry. You're always so pragmatic.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21'Missing one dimension, we gave the cows a quick feel,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25'read them a story and kissed the pretty ones good night.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28'Next day I was literally lactating with excitement.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32'When you've dreamt about to place this often, the reality can be a let-down,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35'but Carmarthen cattle market was everything I'd imagined.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37'Auctioneer John revealed all.'
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Right, Rhod, the calf ring...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41What's going on with all that shouting?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43We'll go up there now, that's the sale ring.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48'As the calves arrived, the crowd went wild. It was like Beatlemania.'
0:13:48 > 0:13:50AUCTIONEER SPEAKS QUICKLY
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Why is it that fast?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Basically you've got 450 or 500 cows to sell in a few hours,
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- so they've got to get through them. - He stressing me out just listening to him.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01They're on the beef calves at the minute.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- Richard has valued that calf at £100.- Careful, it looks like you're bidding there.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08He won't take a bit of me, don't worry.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10There's a massive variation in what the calves make.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15The bottom will be £20 and the top will be £350.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20That's a bargain, a calf for £20 - you couldn't knit it for that, John. Look at this white one.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23That is a dairy beef calf. A dairy bull.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25He's not a particularly good one.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- A dairy bull - so he's a boy with no nipples?- Absolutely.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32At £28, I suggest he'll probably end up in an abattoir in Chippenham tomorrow morning.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Tomorrow morning?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37It turned out dairy was a sexist world where the boys were worthless.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Dairy bulls were destined to be dog food.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- Yeah, the fingers move. - That's a bid, is it?- There's a wink.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Just a look occasionally. - Just a look?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53How do you know if somebody's looking at you or if they're just...
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Let's have a look. There it is. There's the bid, there's the bid.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01There's a guy up there, sort of, got his hands in his pockets,
0:15:01 > 0:15:05rummaging around, or is he just over-excited by the calves?
0:15:05 > 0:15:10Next up, we met Sandra, a sizzling Page 3 dairy stunner.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11All about dairy character.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13What's dairy character?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16The...capability... No, not quite.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Yeah, to a degree, that's obviously where most of the milk is produced,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24but you're looking for feminism and narrowness, effectively.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26What are we looking for? An hour-glass cow, is it?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29No, no, a V-shaped cow, effectively.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34- V-shaped?- Yeah, she needs to be narrow in the front, coming back to width behind,
0:15:34 > 0:15:39which carries the milk production vessel, the udder, not the breasts, in town terms.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I see.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Right, Rhod, this is the dairy ring, where it all happens.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45This is the rostrum.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- You have a stick in your hand. - I know what you're going to say.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- You're going to have a go.- I knew it.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54You watch me have a go first and then, the last cow in the ring,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57she'll be yours, and you can have a go selling her.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02There was more dairy character on show than Hooters Nottingham.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Someone even stuck a tenner down this cow's top.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- A fit-looking cow.- She's better, yeah.- Good arse on it.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Good set of tumblers on it. Looks like Barbara Windsor in her heyday, that one.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Dribbling a bit, mind.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20John said this one's a lot easier.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23He said, "Don't worry, when we go to the dairy, it'll be a lot slower
0:16:23 > 0:16:24than the meat sales."
0:16:24 > 0:16:26SPEAKS INCREDIBLY RAPIDLY
0:16:33 > 0:16:35He's into this.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Like that one? Look at that.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53I'll probably end up with this one now. If I do end up with it, you buy it off me.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Well, we'll milk it for you. - I'll buy it, you milk it.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Did you get it?- Yes. - What, you bought it? Did you?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Going to pick it up, are you?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09He was chatting to me. I don't know how he managed to buy a cow and chat at the same time.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Erm, hello.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Switch it on.- Sorry, I haven't used one of these before.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20We are bidding, ladies and gentlemen,
0:17:20 > 0:17:24on...a cow.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28The cow is the black one down there, in the middle.
0:17:28 > 0:17:2925 miles on the clock.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Who'll give me a pound?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Feast your eyes on those udders, ladies and gentlemen. Do I hear a pound?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36A pound from the girls at the back.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Come on, where shall we go next? More than a pound. £1,000.
0:17:39 > 0:17:411,100, 1,100, any more than 1,100?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45She says her interests are listening to music and going to the toilet.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49She wants to work with children, eventually. She's a lovely cow.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Any more then? Did that baby bid or was it involuntary spasm?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56What's he saying? 1,150? Are you sure he's got the cash?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Do I hear 1,200 from anyone? Going to the baby at the moment.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Go on, I'll throw in the man in the hat. The bloke comes with it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:09Going once...going twice...sold! 1,700!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11To the woman in the hat.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Congratulations.- Thank you very much.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16It's the most terrifying gig I've ever done. Tough audience.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It is a buzz and it's exciting.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- It's better than...- Better than sex?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Not quite. Well, it depends who you're with, obviously, but, yeah.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31As an apprentice farmer, there was somewhere else I needed to go - the slaughterhouse.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Gareth showed me round. I was dreading it.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36We just had a calf the day before yesterday.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I fed it yesterday. I'm hoping it's not coming here.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41What sort of calf is it?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Black and white. It's about that high.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Male or female?- Male.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Chances are, if it's a black and white male, it probably will end up in a place like this.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53How long would you give him before he ends up here?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55A week or 10 days.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Normally, putting a little hair net on like this,
0:19:02 > 0:19:06I'd have a little comedy moment, but it doesn't feel appropriate.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12The cows will be coming into this box and they'll be shooting them from that side of the box.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- How grim as it?- It's the quickest way of putting a cow down.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I'll get you in position for the first one and you can see that one, what happens.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I don't think I can watch.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Poor thing.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43A bolt about that long enters the cow's brain and makes it brain dead.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It's thrashing about and still making a noise.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49That's just nerves. It's the blood moving out of the body
0:19:49 > 0:19:51and it's touching the nerves as it goes.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57It's all over so quickly.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Is that just nerves? - Yeah, definitely.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06The animal was brain dead before it hit the floor in the stunning box.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Even now, I'm not put off having a steak because of that.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I probably won't have one today.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Every steak that you've ever eaten in your life has been produced like this.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22It makes me a more thoughtful consumer of meat, a more knowledgeable one.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27A lot of city kids think their steak comes from Tesco's.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31They can't associate looking at a cow in a book or in a field and think,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- "That's where I get my steak from." - Yeah.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38It's a wonderful tribute to that animal's life.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43- It's in good condition, worked all its life and is providing us with food.- A wonderful tribute.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48I'm sure he'd rather have just had a quick ceremony and a disco after.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52The abattoir was unsettling and I wanted to get straight back to the cows on the farm,
0:20:52 > 0:20:53in happier circumstances.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59(How's that?)
0:20:59 > 0:21:02(Right now, the whole farm is asleep.)
0:21:02 > 0:21:03MOO!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06(I think he's still awake.)
0:21:06 > 0:21:11(All is peaceful and quiet and it's a pretty sharp contrast to the last
0:21:11 > 0:21:18(time I saw cattle today, literally being sawn in two with an electric saw and having their lungs out.)
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Oh, great(!)
0:21:22 > 0:21:24(Nobody mention the abattoir.)
0:21:25 > 0:21:29(I've already grown quite attached to the cows here.)
0:21:29 > 0:21:31(You're all right now.)
0:21:31 > 0:21:34(There's parts of this that I love, but it's bloody hard work.)
0:21:34 > 0:21:38(It's also a real privilege to get this kind of insight
0:21:38 > 0:21:43(and be this close to something that's so integral and so important to our way of life.)
0:21:43 > 0:21:47(David's giving me more responsibility tomorrow. I'll be taking over half the milking shed.)
0:21:47 > 0:21:50(The hardest thing for me is that I've got no idea what I'm doing.)
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Come on, Rhod. Lots to do today.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02My final farmer day was packed as tightly as a bull's boxer shorts.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06But my talk of abattoirs last night had clearly upset the cows.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10There was more poo in the yard than behind Paula Radcliffe's running machine.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Don't sit. Don't sit.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Don't sit in that!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Stand.
0:22:18 > 0:22:24You wake up, have breakfast, first job of the day is to scrape all the cow mess all the way out of this.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Cock-a-ruddy-doodle-doo.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It's like the world's most disappointing ice-cream van.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Shit shovel coming through.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49This is where my reversing skills are going to be properly tested.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54That is not a backward flip you want to make.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Keep going, keep going. - Use this cutter thing now.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Next up, Breakfast At Shittany's...
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Silage - cows'll eat it till the kids come home.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Come on, Molly.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13There you are. What I want to do now is to try
0:23:13 > 0:23:17and lift that massive, spiky claw thing on the front without coming up
0:23:17 > 0:23:23with about seven cows skewered on the end of it, like some kind of horrendously ugly kebab.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38It's the lesser of two evils. I'm either going to take the roof off
0:23:38 > 0:23:41or we're going to squash about seven cows' heads flat.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Whoa!- Oh, not that way.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Oh, not that way, either. Everyone relax.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52- No cows in the way, no? - More, more, more, more, more. Whoa!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Now the only danger is I flatten you with it. I'm not so worried about that, David.
0:23:58 > 0:24:04I was doing so well on Tractor Factor that David decided to give me my own special set of wheels.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08He called it...The Beast.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Nought to complete loser in six seconds.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34I'd tamed The Beast and was getting on well with the cows.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38It was finally time to try me out on the ultimate farming gadget.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40David called it "a dog".
0:24:40 > 0:24:43David said he's going to give us a sheepdog demonstration.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Walk... Walk!
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Basically, I see it more as a competition, really. Head to head, me and him.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52What he doesn't know is I've watched Babe four times.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Walk! Come here.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55OK, Rhod?
0:24:55 > 0:25:00I understand from watching Babe that every flock is different.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01So what specific instructions do this lot answer to?
0:25:01 > 0:25:06It's not the flock, it's the dog, because she's waiting for a command now. Two rising whistles for left.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10That's it.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Penny whistle?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- What about...? - WHISTLES "BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP"
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I've got a feeling your sheep dog's broken.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- No, no, no. - It is, I think it's broken.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25No. HE WHISTLES
0:25:25 > 0:25:28You've got it going again. At least it's working again, that's the main thing.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Say "walk", see what that does.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Walk. Walkies!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Stand still! Just stand there.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Under no circumstances do anything whatsoever.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Respond to nothing. Walk!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Sit! Stand!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Heel, come by, away to go.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Look at that.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56I told her to ignore all that and she did.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57HE WHISTLES
0:25:57 > 0:26:01It's working again. Hey, good girl, good girl.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Yes, look at that.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06We're like a synchronised machine.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13I could almost smell my farming wings. With my sexy boiler suit and the The Beast,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I was like a rural David Hasselhoff - ready for any emergency.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19But while The Hoff rescued bikini-clad beauties,
0:26:19 > 0:26:23I had some fence posts to deliver on another faulty trailer.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Go that way, go that way! Aargh!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I wish this was that tractor trailer.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36This is what I'd be doing to it.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Take that, you trailer! Take that, you piece of trailer trash!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Not bad. - Not bad, is it? I got angry with it.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48OK. Ready for the next one?
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Yeah.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Oh, shit the bed.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I think that's in.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- Probably good enough, that one. - Yep, OK.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- So if you grab the bucket and the hammer.- I will.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Catch your breath back while you walk to the bucket.- OK, yeah.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09David, a man about the farm.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14Look at him, he's all practical knowledge and hands on and manual labour and knows what he's doing.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Look at me, I'm stuck in a bramble, trapped by my hat.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19"Where's Rhod, David?"
0:27:19 > 0:27:23"He's not coming in for tea. He's trapped in a bramble. His hat's got stuck."
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Right, what's next?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29My time as a farmer was nearly up.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33I needed to keep calm cos, for my final challenge, I had to run half the milking shed that evening and
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I was determined not to set the cows off.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I didn't want to muck out again.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42In fact, I'd rather have to tell a bear with an upset stomach that the woods are closed for cleaning.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Cow number one, over there, please.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Where's... Somebody come over my side.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Quite calm at the moment. I don't want to make too much noise.
0:27:54 > 0:28:00'There was the odd bottom malfunction, but it was considerably less explosive than last time.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02'I was far more in tune with these dairy characters.'
0:28:02 > 0:28:05It's not difficult to see how you build up a really close
0:28:05 > 0:28:09bond with all of them and know them all individually and their personalities.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12In truth, I was falling in love with farming.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16On a practical level, I was about as well suited to it as Axl Rose, but I was going to miss this farm.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20There was one little fellow I was going to miss more than anything.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Strange to be feeding him again,
0:28:22 > 0:28:27having been to an abattoir. Do you want the good news?
0:28:27 > 0:28:28You're going to be here for a while.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30You're not going to be in dog food this week.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34Really starting to get into farm life and enjoy it.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37We've come a long way in two days, haven't we?
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Hey, don't kick me in the nuts.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Get off!
0:28:44 > 0:28:45I'm going to call you Gareth.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48You're named after the nice man in the abattoir.
0:28:48 > 0:28:53If you do ever end up at the abattoir, there's no way he's going to kill another Gareth.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Come on.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:09 > 0:29:11E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk