0:00:02 > 0:00:04I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.
0:00:04 > 0:00:09People tell me I've got the toughest job in town, but I'm sure I'll find other things far more difficult,
0:00:09 > 0:00:12so I'm trying something completely different.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17This is my work experience and this week I'm a butler.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22I had no idea how to prepare for being a butler.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25I'd seen the Ferrero Rocher ad and I knew a bloke with a conservatory
0:00:25 > 0:00:30but the closest I'd come to a lord was a Lloyd - my flatmate,
0:00:30 > 0:00:32comedian Lloyd Langford.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35So for the next few hours, Gilbert the Butler butlered the butt off
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Lord Lloyd of Port Talbot.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46BELL RINGS
0:00:52 > 0:00:54FARTS
0:00:54 > 0:00:56PLOP!
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Washing Lloyd's old boy was the closest I've come to the old boys' network.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I've sat first class on a train a few times,
0:01:02 > 0:01:06but a free coffee and a seat that reclines three-quarters of an inch
0:01:06 > 0:01:08doesn't make you Princess Margaret.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I needed some serious butler training.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Hello, it's Rhod for butler school.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Not even a thank you, come in.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Nothing. Just the door slides away, ominously.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Cardiff's only posh building - Mansion House.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29I felt as out of place as someone with a social life
0:01:29 > 0:01:30on Deal Or No Deal.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35I was here to meet bona fide butler Anthony Seddon Holland.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Today Holland would attempt to prove that you could polish a turd
0:01:39 > 0:01:41by turning me into a butler.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Go through into the lounge, sir. - Thank you, Holland.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Take a seat, Mr Gilbert. - This is very like my lounge.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- It is?- No.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- Please make yourself comfortable. - This is comfortable.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57What happens now, Holland? I feel awkward with you standing there.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- I'm sorry. - Do you not normally sit down?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02No, sir, I would not normally sit down.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04What's going to be the biggest challenge?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08It feels like for me the biggest challenge is going to be taking it seriously.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I don't mean that in a derogatory way. It's just such an odd world.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I'll have to keep my tongue firmly between my teeth
0:02:14 > 0:02:15for the next few days.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You're also have to think about multiple things at the same time
0:02:18 > 0:02:23and do multiple things at the same time. Not everybody can do it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26One of the key things in our profession is small detail.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29One of the things a lot of people in our society don't care about any more.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32If you were to look at this bed and this general area,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34what would you say, if anything, is wrong with it?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Is it upside down?- No.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- I don't know. Absolutely nothing's wrong with that. - Nothing at all?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44These cushions are not straight.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- Not straight?! - The zipper is showing.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- It should not be showing. - That's terrible.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- The telephone is pointing... - Let me guess what's wrong with it.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Go on.- Absolutely nothing. - You don't think so?- No.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Do you not think it would be more appropriate, sir, if the phone
0:02:57 > 0:03:00was actually adjusted so it was facing the bed?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02So whoever was there could see the number that comes up.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Now you mention it, yes. - Body language is very important.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I tend to keep my hands in front of me there
0:03:08 > 0:03:12because there's less chance of me touching myself.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14What?!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- For instance, right now, I have an itch on my top lip.- Do you?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- I want to scratch it. - Allow me, Holland.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Thank you. That's very considerate, sir.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23All part of the service. I'm getting used to it.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27If there's a lady and you start touching yourself it's embarrassing for everyone.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It is.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I had to learn more boring, pointless information
0:03:32 > 0:03:35than someone doing a PhD on armrests.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36But if I only remembered one thing,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40it was not to grope myself violently while serving dinner.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Come in from the left.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Be aware of this one. Keep it out the way.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Drop this one down silently.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Stealth waitering. Egg and chips with a Parmesan jus.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Thank you. If you're unsure as to whether the person's finished...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56If I come in and go like this, what are you going to do?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02I'd probably leave it for a minute and when it gets awkward go, "What?"
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Somebody drops a spoon, fork, or knife on the floor,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08you place the clean item of cutlery on there.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10You close the napkin.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12If it's a knife or a spoon,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16then you would come in from that side to the person.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18It's a big intro for a spoon.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21It is quite a big intro, but spoons are very important, sir.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Think where we'd be without them. - We'd have our hands full of soup.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Shall I show you my sock drawer?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37My sock drawer would be literally like that.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39This is one serious iron you've got here.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Whenever I do a corporate gig or something,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43if I haven't ironed my shirt, I just keep my jacket on.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45You're doing it wrong.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I'm pushing in there. Look.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Ironing is boring, admit it. Admit it, Holland.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- I live to iron, sir.- What if a woman gives me a dress to iron or a bra.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- We don't iron bras normally anyway. - Do we not?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02I thought you iron everything. This is so cool. I am definitely...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Hang on, I've lost the...
0:05:06 > 0:05:10The bottom of the iron's fallen off. Argh!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Is that hot?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I thought it would have cooled down. We haven't used it for ages.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Are you all right? When picking up the Teflon plate...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I was really enjoying that!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26..make sure you haven't been using it recently, otherwise it may be hot.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I've never seen a Teflon plate on the bottom of an iron before.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Health and safety regulations.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Just waiting for Anthony to bring me some ice.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Anthony!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Here we go, Mr Rhod.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42We have a nice bath.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Fantastic.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Thank you.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50How big a part of a butler's day is polishing?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Probably three or four hours a day.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- Three or four hours a day polishing silver?- That's basically your job.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02At what point in a four-hour polishing stint does it get boring?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I can see it's a job.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I can see there's job satisfaction, pride in doing things right,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08getting things just so.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I can see all the normal human instincts,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12but the end result, I just think, "Why?!"
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Everyone's got a minimum standard.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I don't care if I can see my face in the end of somebody's shoes or the silver tray.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21If somebody was serving me in a restaurant, as long as they haven't
0:06:21 > 0:06:24got dog poo under their fingernails, that's good enough for me.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Four hours relentless buffing later,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I had to touch myself to check I was still alive.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Holland had polished this turd as best he could.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Time to stick it in a suit and see if it would float.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35What's the suit for, exactly?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- I want you to make me look like him. - OK.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Ready, Anthony? Close your eyes.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I will do. I was born ready.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- I want to surprise you on our wedding day.- It's a transformation.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49I keep going like that.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Every time you come at me I assume I'm in customs.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56You look quite splendid, actually.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Really? Can I do a twirl, Holland?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03If you feel strongly about that, sir, yes, you may. Very good.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Time for me to tell you where you'll be working.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07You'll be working at Fonmon Castle
0:07:07 > 0:07:09with Sir Brooke Boothby and his family.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12You are going to do everything we have run through today, sir,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14but you're going to be doing it for real.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Serving breakfast, getting up the family,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20serving lunch and a formal dinner for 15 in the evening.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22A formal dinner for 15?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Yes, a formal dinner for 15.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Turd in a butler suit, Batman.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28The closest I've come to a dinner party
0:07:28 > 0:07:30is offering a plumber a biscuit.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37I had no idea what to expect next morning as I headed to Fonmon Castle near Cardiff.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I hadn't been this nervous since I tried to sneak Tom Cruise
0:07:41 > 0:07:42onto a ride at Alton Towers.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Who lives in a castle?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Sir Brooke's house reminded me of my own family home,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50in much the same way as when he opened the door,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Sir Brooke reminded me of Dizzee Rascal.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Sir Boothby.- Good morning to you. - Good morning.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Welcome to Fonmon.- Thank you.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It's quite a remarkable place. How long has this been in your family?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04My ancestor, Colonel Philip Jones, good revolutionary Welshman,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07nicked it off the Normans who'd originally built it.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I imagine it's probably yours now, after that long.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Sir Brooke showed me how the other half lived.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Oil paintings of his ancestors, a massive library, servants quarters,
0:08:17 > 0:08:22rooms full of tableware, and a mind-blowing spoon.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Beautifully-made spoon. They're so elegant,
0:08:25 > 0:08:26the way they're put together.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I'm giving this dinner party tomorrow, therefore I'm looking
0:08:31 > 0:08:37for some assistance in the form of a butler to manage the evening.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40That absolutely terrifies me.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43If I needed any more reason to be nervous, the next day's dinner party
0:08:43 > 0:08:45was in honour of the Earl of Bradford,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Sir Brooke's friend who had recently married.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Apart from not touching myself in front of Lady Bradford,
0:08:51 > 0:08:52I was unsure of my role.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55The basic job of a butler is to make people feel good.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58If you can achieve that or help us achieve it,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00then that would be a successful dinner.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04If all else failed, I knew exactly how to make the guests feel good.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I'd show them Sir Brooke's spoon.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09There was loads to do before tomorrow's dinner party
0:09:09 > 0:09:11so Sir Brooke gave me my first task,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13confessing he had an embarrassing problem.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18I've got some gaps in my cellar, so I'm hoping that you can go off
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and come back with some possible recommendations.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24On top of that, you're going to take with you a bottle of our port
0:09:24 > 0:09:27so you can practise taking the port out into the decanters.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29But it is fairly precise
0:09:29 > 0:09:32and you will be handling a very fine and very rare wine.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I want you to do a little practice.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Great. Tomorrow I'd be in charge of the posh booze as well.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42I knew less about very fine, very rare wine than Ian Beale,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44but I'd heard that far beneath Cardiff Castle
0:09:44 > 0:09:47lived a magic wine Hobbit who could help me.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Hello, Rhod. Nice to meet you. - Hello.
0:09:50 > 0:09:56There is nothing difficult about wine-tasting except for spitting.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01The very sad news is I've forgotten the spittoon.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05I'm prepared to be professional, toughen my nipples and drink it.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08My dear fellow, I congratulate you on your courage.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12We'd better start, then, by tasting some wines.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- You've got two nostrils.- Thank you.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It's not just wine you know about. Quite an expert on the human face.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Yes, getting wine there...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- ..and wine there.- Good.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Wine, wine, wine again.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Are you getting plums on your nose? - Stewed plums.- Stewed plums?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I'll go further. I can give you the address these plums were steamed at.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- It's got a silver award this one as well.- Decanter magazine liked it.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I've never heard of Decanter magazine.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- They probably haven't heard of you. - Well said!
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Do you think Sir Brooke would like that?- I've only met him today.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I don't know anything about him. If he doesn't like it, I'll have it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Forget this whole butler thing this evening. Let's go on the pop.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07You could lead a young man astray.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18We'll bring you one if you're a very good boy.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I can't remember what we were talking about.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23We're talking about why we decant vintage port.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Sir Brooke Boothby seems to be making a really big deal about this port business.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Are my guests really going to be able to tell
0:11:29 > 0:11:31if I've done it by the book?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Lord Bradford, one of your guests, he has an exceptionally fine palate.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37So he will know whether the port is treated,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40decanted properly, whether I've...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, spiffing, more pressure.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Not only was the port I'd be decanting tomorrow
0:11:45 > 0:11:47worth more than a signed photo of the Loch Ness monster,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50but if the port didn't taste like what it ought,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Sir Brooke would stew my plums.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55The wine Hobbit smelt my anxiety and gave me a magic wine-tasting thing
0:11:55 > 0:11:58for good luck, and a final tip that I'd never forget.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03A bottle of champagne should be opened with no more sound
0:12:03 > 0:12:05than a duchess's fart.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07There is a duchess coming tomorrow, so I could ask her
0:12:07 > 0:12:09to break wind to give us a benchmark.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15FEINT HISS
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Well done.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- The duchess has barely lifted her leg.- Congratulations.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Master, you are now certainly an opener of champagne.
0:12:22 > 0:12:28If you do half as badly as I've done today, you'll be a great success.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Thank you.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Unfortunately, the wine Hobbit had cast an evil spell on me
0:12:32 > 0:12:35because by the time I'd got back I'd forgotten everything he said.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I needed to be up at dawn to remove the currants
0:12:37 > 0:12:39from Sir Brooke's muesli,
0:12:39 > 0:12:43but the Hobbit's spell kept me up all night doing drunken role play.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Can I offer you an aperitif, Lady Bradford?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I'm really bad at role play.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Holland said, whatever you do when you talking to a lady,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53in fact when you're talking to anybody,
0:12:53 > 0:12:57a blanket rule in fact, blanket ban, don't touch yourself.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Lady Bradford, I presume?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03My name? Thank you for asking, Lady Bradford, very kind of you.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Stop it, Lady Bradford. Really!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Don't touch yourself. Lady Bradford,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I am Gilbert.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Gilbert the butler.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Next morning I felt like my head had been decanted.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17My mind was as cloudy as a duchess's fart.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21My master was up at dawn and I had to be up before him.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23What's happened to him? Where is he?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Is breakfast coming today or tomorrow?
0:13:31 > 0:13:36Gilbert the butler was supposed to deliver breakfast at 8:30am
0:13:36 > 0:13:37to Sir Brooke Boothby in his room
0:13:37 > 0:13:39and I can hear him pottering about in the kitchen.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Good morning, Sir Brooke.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Gilbert, good morning.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Or is it good afternoon?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I do apologise, sir. I had a sleeping malfunction.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I'd given up on you on breakfast.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- You can feed the currants to the birds.- I can do that, sir.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53You could make me a cup of tea
0:13:53 > 0:13:55because I still haven't had my cup of tea.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58OK. Where will you be, sir?
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Back up at my office because having got something inside me I feel human.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06He's had to remove his own currants from his muesli.
0:14:06 > 0:14:0713 currants, unlucky for some.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Mr Brooke had to remove them all himself.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Attention to detail, you can see one of the currants is actually damp.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Obviously the milk was poured on and the currant was only spotted later.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21So attention to detail, Gilbert the butler would spot things like that.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Teskar, breakfast is served!
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Come hither!
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Can I help you, ladies? The house is not quite spotless yet. Back to your positions.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Yes, sir.- Thank you.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45My hangover was almost as impressive as Sir Brooke's spoon,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48and he'd almost lost a hand on a jagged muesli flake.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51But I had to focus. We had a dinner party to organise, and...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Oh, not more wine!- Mind your head.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Nothing to damage, sir, I assure you. How old are these wines, sir?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Well, these two are only about 12 years old.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06So they're not great age. The red one is about 20 odd years old.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11And the port we're going to get out in a minute is 40, 50 years old.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Please don't put it on there, sir.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I've never had the privilege of a camera pointing at my backside
0:15:18 > 0:15:19as I go up stairs before!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21It's an equally good side, sir.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I've got to get these to the fridge.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Gilbert? It's time we got the shooting stuff ready.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Very well, sir.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I'm on my way!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Sir Brooke and I are about to go shooting.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I understand we're going clay pigeon shooting.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49At least I hope the pigeons are made of clay.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51If the pigeons are made of pigeon,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I may have a little difficulty shooting them.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57What I need you to do is unpack the ammunition out of those little boxes
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and put them into those two bags.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01That will give us plenty of ammunition to shoot.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02They are the right sort of pigeons.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04They're not going to shit on your head.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Now I'm in my new tweed garb,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I should probably change my persona slightly.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13I feel less "Hello, sir, very good, sir, three bags full, sir",
0:16:13 > 0:16:15and more "All right, sir? How are you doing?"
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"Very good, sir, on the double, sir. I'll be with you in a moment, sir,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I'm just having a dump, me and the wife."
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- All right, girls? - Morning. It's nice meeting you.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Nice meeting you too, girls.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- You are staying tonight? - No, I'll be on my way.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30We won't see you in the morning then?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You won't see me in the morning, girls.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Not unless I pop in your room! Ha-har!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37We have two full bags of cartridges.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- That's right.- Would sir like some help ramming it home?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44This sleeve hasn't been used. It's just gone a bit stiff.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46There we are.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Good shot, sir!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I say, sir. Don't worry, sirs.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36In the words of Meat Loaf, two out of four ain't bad.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40This is one of the most dangerous possible things that can happen
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- in shooting, if a man is loading for a 20 and a 12.- Absolutely.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47If you put one of those down my gun, it will go halfway down the barrel
0:17:47 > 0:17:50and jam, and then it will explode in my face and yours.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Is that the right one, sir? - Yeah.- Double sure, sir?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Pop him in.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I was a little concerned when they asked me
0:17:57 > 0:18:00to reload different rifles, shotguns.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Apparently if you get those two mixed up,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05then I could have blown Sir Brooke's head off.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Which would have been most inopportune before the dinner party.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I don't mind waiting on Sir Brooke,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13but I have no intention of pouring soup down a headless neck.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16The battlefield was littered with dead and dying clay pigeons.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Valiant Sir Brooke wanted to finish the injured ones off
0:18:18 > 0:18:21with the butt of his rifle, but I held him back.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23The dinner party was looming
0:18:23 > 0:18:26and my day was packed as tightly as a horse's Y-fronts.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29HUMS 'WHOLE LOTTA LOVE'
0:18:31 > 0:18:34# You need coolin', baby I'm not foolin'
0:18:36 > 0:18:41# I'm gonna send you back to schoolin'... #
0:18:42 > 0:18:45876, 877...
0:18:45 > 0:18:49God, look at the state of these gloves - look at that.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I look like Paul Daniels after he's had a nervous breakdown.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Holland would have a heart attack if he could see this cushion.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03This is the monster fire in the library
0:19:03 > 0:19:07where the guests will be before dinner. Look at that.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11You could properly brulee creme with that.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15How aristocratic is that? Rather than those little firelighters you get,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Sir Brooke lights a fire with champagne corks.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Apparently they do the trick just as well.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22All I've got to do now is make sure
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Lady Bradford doesn't mistake this for a hairdryer.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Three hours later, this grotty old dump looked as good as Wimpey show home.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32So Claire, the housekeeper, introduced me to my crack team of waiting staff.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36He's running the show, so you've all got to answer to Rhod. OK?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- Mr Gilbert.- Mr Gilbert, yes.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39- There we are.- Got it?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43The plan is that you lot are so good, you'll make it look like I know what I'm doing.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Ollie is laying out the candlesticks.
0:19:47 > 0:19:53As you can see, they have to be 55 centimetres exactly apart, each one.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55That one is a centimetre out.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58This is 36, this one.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Someone somewhere cares.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02It's not me, it's not Ollie.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04That's not fair. We do care.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06(But not deep down!)
0:20:07 > 0:20:10'Before you could say, "I think Lord and Lady Bradford have arrived, sir"...'
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I think Lord and Lady Bradford have arrived, sir.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15'..Lord and Lady Bradford arrived. I think.'
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Did you have a pleasant trip?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- When we found the place.- Oh, really? - We got slightly lost.- Oh, did you?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- What am I taking?- Our guests of honour were the first to arrive.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Thankfully, they were lovely, but we were off - the night had started.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I'm pretty much winging it now. This is kind of using common sense,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34because I haven't been told how to do any of this,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37how to greet people or whether to take the car.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I'm a slightly nervous driver, and the last thing I want to do now
0:20:40 > 0:20:43is write off this Jag in the side of a 12th Century castle.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47The pressure was mounting. Next, I had to decant the port.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49He'd been keeping it for 47 years.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I'd rather have pulled my pants down in the library and shouted,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54"Anyone for billiards?" than mess this up.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Right, I'm pretty nervous, it has to be said.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58This port is two years older than I am.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I have absolutely no idea how much this bottle of port is worth.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07It could be hundreds, it could be thousands.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10You can see how much... Oh, shit!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12The cork has snapped in half.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14It's broken off in there.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Oh, dear, this is going terribly wrong.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Come on.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Oh, no - it's just disintegrating!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I'm going to push that in there. Just push it in.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30I knew this would go wrong. Look, there are bits of cork coming out.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Keep it steady, apparently. That's the key.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Not too fast, not too slow.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38However, I've just pushed the cork into the bottle with my finger,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40so I'm doing it as bloody fast as I can
0:21:40 > 0:21:42before somebody comes along and catches me.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45With the guests due any minute everything had to be perfect.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48These people were born with a silver spoon in their mouths.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50One of them had a crystal wine decanter
0:21:50 > 0:21:51sticking out of his bottom as well.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I had to remember all the pointless detail Holland taught me.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56This napkin is not straight.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I'm finding this really stressful.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02This is not a world I know anything about. I've never come into contact with it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03I don't know why, it's just daft.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06They're just people, and they're nice people.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08They have a different way of doing things.
0:22:08 > 0:22:14And their way is unbelievably particular.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Just as I thought we were ready, I remembered I'd forgotten to change.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20If Sir Brooke caught me in my day suit after dark,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24he'd have my guts for garters, and my stewed plums for cuff links.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Yeah. Brilliant.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Rhod, lots of people are waiting outside.- Shit!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35There's about 10 people outside.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37What's taken all this time?
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Apologies. I am so, so very, very sorry...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43for the delay.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Would you like us to go out again?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- Eh...!- The wings of your collar should be underneath your tie.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I appreciate you putting me right.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54If you could stagger yourselves...
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Like Heathrow, every two minutes, somebody lands!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Don't squabble over who was first.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Good evening. Good evening. Do come in.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Mr and Mrs John Humphries!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10It's like Noel's House Party!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Good evening, do come in.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16SPEAKS IN FRENCH
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Hello. Sorry to have kept you.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Sir Jeffrey and Lady Inkin!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I can't help doing it slightly like I'm compering a gig.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32"Your next act, Sir Jeffrey and Lady Inkin!"
0:23:32 > 0:23:34The champagne opening had gone well.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38As luck would have it, one of the guests had broken wind loudly
0:23:38 > 0:23:39just as I uncorked it.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41There was just time to swat up on the wine.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43READS FRENCH LABEL
0:23:43 > 0:23:45And that's from St Esteve.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48So let's look at the wine - look at the wine, Gilbert!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Look at it!
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Done that.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03My Lord, ladies, and gentlemen, dinner is served!
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Well done, Gilbert!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07It's the first thing you got right all evening. Splendid.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12This is like something out of a costume drama.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15And their agenda is, come to a dinner party at Sir Brooke's house,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18not to make a nice little TV programme and indulge Rhod Gilbert.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20They're serious.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21God save the Queen.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25God bless our food and make us ever thankful, Amen.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26ALL: Amen.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28While they said Grace, I said a prayer of my own.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32"Our father, please don't let there be a ladybird in the potatoes."
0:24:32 > 0:24:36You've got a problem. Not only is it a ladybird,
0:24:36 > 0:24:41but it is one of the invading foreign Harlequin ladybirds.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Are you sure this isn't just idle prejudice, sir?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47No. We've therefore drowned it in the claret, and we wish you to remove it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- It must die. - And should I return the claret, sir?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I tried another prayer.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56"Lord, please don't let all the wine corks break off in the bottles."
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Oh, shit!
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Bloody cork snapped in the bottle again! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Stress, stress, stress, stress.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14It was almost as if the good Lord was deliberately sabotaging my efforts.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16And by good Lord, I mean God, not Lord Bradford.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Although he was about to throw a spanner in the works and all.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27The proverbial has hit the fan in a major way.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30One of the staff has dropped some spoons.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32There was some leek and potato soup in the spoon.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34The spoon has flipped up, and the leek and potato soup,
0:25:34 > 0:25:38to cut a long story short, is on the back of Lord Bradford.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42I could just sneak up and sort of sponge it off him as he's there,
0:25:42 > 0:25:44but people are going to say,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47"Why is the butler sponging Lord Bradford in the middle of a conversation?"
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I'm out of my depth.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52I'm going to speak to Sir Brooke and see how he thinks I should proceed. Thank you.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57The dress code was "dinner jacket", but Lord Bradford was taking it a bit too literally.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Sir Brooke told me to deal with it directly and discreetly.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03But what could I do? I was just a half-polished turd in a butler suit.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05He was the Earl of Bradford,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07looking like a contestant on Come Dine On Me.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Lord Bradford, can I interrupt you briefly?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13It appears that some leek and potato soup
0:26:13 > 0:26:16has found its way onto the back of your jacket.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19And to give us an opportunity to remove the jacket
0:26:19 > 0:26:22and make an attempt at cleaning it and returning it to you.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Is this piss taking, or genuine? - Genuine.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28They're going to start thinking that, you know...
0:26:28 > 0:26:31That the entertainment has arrived!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34If things got any worse, I'd have to get Sir Brooke's spoon out.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I dealt with Soupgate as discretely as I could.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Leek and potato soup everywhere.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42To his credit, Lord Bradford laughed it off.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Well, we sponged it off, but you get my drift. Time for some fun.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Not Sir Brooke's spoon, but a raucous romp of a party game,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50called, Guess which of two bottles of the same 1963 port has been disturbed
0:26:50 > 0:26:54at some point in the last decade, and which has remained horizontal in a cellar since 1966?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Well, one's well travelled and one doesn't travel at all.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00A little game, my Lord, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06When I was growing up we played a similar game called, Guess which milk is off.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09But it was never this much fun.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10It's more complex.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- More complex?- More bitter.
0:27:13 > 0:27:19OK. The answer is that blue has remained here since 1966.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:24There's nothing wrong
0:27:24 > 0:27:27with preferring a port that has moved, absolutely nothing.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Dare to be different.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Guess the disturbed port had exhausted the happy gathering,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35so they retired to the library to sit down somewhere else.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39It had been stressful, but I'd had a great time with lovely people.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41We were very different, and I knew I wasn't cut out
0:27:41 > 0:27:43to be a butler because I just couldn't take it seriously.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46But I was keen to find out what they made of me.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50We need to have some comment on how we've got on.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I would say, Brooke, that Gilbert has been a most refreshing butler,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56in that he's been much less intimidating
0:27:56 > 0:28:00- than butlers I've come across in the past.- Here, here!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Rhod, unfortunately, is over blessed with too much charm,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06so that he gets involved with conversations with the guests,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08and forgets about what he should be doing.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I would not employ him as a butler.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15But I'd be delighted to have him as a fellow guest at a dinner party.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Thank you!
0:28:19 > 0:28:23That's it. I'm a butler no more.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24They're a really nice bunch of people.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28I didn't find it demeaning in any way.
0:28:28 > 0:28:33And there's a real satisfaction and reward in getting things just right,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35in getting things perfect, the detail.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39I can't switch off that part of my brain that always
0:28:39 > 0:28:42wants to try and be funny and try and make people laugh.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45It's still a world of weird protocols and weird details.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50You're more of a part of it than I am, aren't you?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Sit, Teskar! Sit!
0:28:54 > 0:28:58I remember when I was a butler, that dog did everything I said.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:06 > 0:29:09E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk