0:00:06 > 0:00:09I'm Rhod Gilbert, I'm told I have a tough job but there are more difficult ones.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13So, I'm ditching my regular job and trying something different.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15This is my Work Experience.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18And this week, I'm a tattoo artist.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22I'd rather spend the rest of my life in a Portaloo with Mel Gibson than have a tattoo,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25but in two days' time, I have to scar some poor sod for life.
0:00:25 > 0:00:31So, I picked up a scent of burning flesh and followed it to a tattoo convention in Telford.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34I don't really know anything about tattoos. I've never wanted a tattoo.
0:00:34 > 0:00:40All this violent imagery and skulls and death and graves and fire, it just seems a bit sad.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44I shouldn't think like that. It's my shortcoming, I should be more open-minded.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49Who knows, maybe I'll come out desperately wanting a tattoo myself?
0:00:49 > 0:00:53I felt as out of place as Bungle on the Death Star.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56There wasn't even a "paint a cartoon on your tits" stand. Oh...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Are they wearing like body stockings?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00No, no, it's the skin.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- No.- Is that it?- Yes.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- Don't you feel a bit self-conscious? - When there's no paint on, I did.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07You felt self-conscious when there was no paint on you?
0:01:07 > 0:01:12- But now, I don't at all, because you can't see anything, so...- You can!
0:01:12 > 0:01:18If I undid my fly and pulled my testicles out, it wouldn't matter if I had a picture of a lion on there,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20you could still see them.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I've never seen a tattoo being done close up. I've only seen it from a kind of distance.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28You're just brushing that across.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- It doesn't look like you're ramming it in.- Ramming it in?! - I thought you had to ram it in.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Don't laugh, it's going to go horribly wrong!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38You could get a moustache on the Virgin Mary if you're not careful!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Tattooed toilet seats here, why not?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Is that blood?- No, pen, I think.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- It's what?- Pen.- Oh, pen.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Ink.- Ink.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53I was learning loads. Like, what's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55That's right, a massive penis on your leg.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59You've got a big dick on the back of your leg. I had one once, but I slapped it off.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Look at that, Best Male Leg 2004.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Just the left leg? Did this one not even get runner up?- No, no.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- They're quite addictive, you'll realise.- Are they?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11All it wants me to do is get more tattoos and more tattoos, really.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Show the back of your head.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15And what does it all mean?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19It's got no specific meaning to me. It's just, I like that, I'll have that done.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26You assume every aspect of them holds some significance, but quite often it's not.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I met Louis Molloy, who was to tattooing
0:02:28 > 0:02:31what Simon Cowell's trousers were to his backside - right up there.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35That many celebrities getting tattooed that half the time
0:02:35 > 0:02:40you don't even know who they are when they're coming in. Most famous client would be David Beckham.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Don't tell me you didn't recognise David Beckham?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44You only recognised him when you tattooed his kids' names.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I know these names, Brooklyn, Posh Spice.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- I've got to... I've tattooed her as well.- Have you?- Yeah.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52There's nothing to tattoo, is there?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I'm trying to get to the bottom of his how significant things are to people,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57or how much is, what the hell?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01You might pick that particular jacket and that colour of jacket because you like it.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- I can take this jacket off! - Course you can.- Put another one on.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10If you're going to tattoo somebody, first of all get tattooed yourself, so that you know what it feels like.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12No.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16- Why not? It's not that bad. - But it's there for life and I don't want one.- So what?
0:03:16 > 0:03:22We should run the tattoo machine over your skin with no colour in it, so you get to know what it feels like.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Go on, Rhod, be a man.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Hearing that celebs were all having tattoos didn't make me want one
0:03:27 > 0:03:32any more than watching Psycho made me want a shower, but Louis did have a point.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34You sure all this has been rinsed and stuff?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37That's the needle. There's five needles on that.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I wasn't expecting this. I'm not good with pain.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Swing your legs over.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I feel I'm going to faint already.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48- The only thing I've had close to this is injections in hospital. - I'm not giving you an injection.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I passed out when I had an allergy test.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55- Don't move, I'm going to do it. - Don't piss about!- I'm not. - No, I don't like it!- Keep still.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58BUZZING
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oh, that's...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Ah! You bastard!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Why would you go through this?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Seriously?- Show it t'camera.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Where is it? There.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13It's unpleasant. It stings.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16It's like having lots of little injections in a row.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18That took what, 10 seconds?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21That took 70 hours.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23What is wrong with you?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26When you tattoo somebody, they will feel what you've just felt.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28So, as nervous as you was, they will be.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33So, you've got to inspire confidence in your client that you can do it.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Can I learn it tomorrow and then do it on Tuesday?- You'll struggle.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39An average apprenticeship is five years.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Five years?
0:04:41 > 0:04:46- Yep, five years.- I'm no brain surgeon but tracing a knob on someone's leg couldn't be rocket science.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I did need to assess my art skills, though, and I wasn't ready to do any leg genitals,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54so graffiti was the perfect low-pressure way to start.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Well, I've got to do a tattoo in a couple of days.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Do you want to do a skull?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- A skull?- Yeah.- Yeah, all right.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Go closer to the wall. - Closer to the wall.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- Where's the white? - The white?- I need the white.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19How's that, out of 10?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Yeah, it's a good, er...
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Yeah... Two and a half.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Two and a half out of 10?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27It's a good start.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Would you let me tattoo you?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Oh, sorry, I'm getting a cold...
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Oh dear, my skull looked like a space invader on a comedown.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Maybe Louis was right, if there was an artist inside me and had to get him out, fast.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Perhaps Catherine's henna would act as an artistic laxative.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I'll show you how you to use it.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47It does look suspicious. I used to have a hamster
0:05:47 > 0:05:50that would do that if you squeezed him too tightly.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Not as artistically, obviously.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I never drew a flower with him.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Do you think you could copy that? Squeeze a little harder.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59My hamster was easier to use than this.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Would you say this is the best first attempt you've seen?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05The best first attempt I've seen you do, yeah.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- I think I've mastered flowers. - Shall we try spirals?
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Sounds a bit too easy. What about a tiger, a black panther, leaping out with flames coming out of him?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- This is looking a lot better. - There you go.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18That looks like a lotus flower.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23That's what I'm doing. I've changed my mind, I'll do a lotus flower with a panther leaping through it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I think this could turn into a good stegosaurus.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Hang on a minute, this is evolving.- It is.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32I'm changing my mind as we go along, as it starts to look like something different each time.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37Hopefully the person I tattoo will accept that their initial design might end up as something different.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41That's exciting. Well, I've done a nose. Now he's got a nose and a horn.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46My rare or parsnip-horned rhino-tigersaurus wouldn't fit on my arm, so I created another original
0:06:46 > 0:06:51design and Catherine gave me a hamster pooh tattoo with deep personal significance.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54As the ink was drying on the last penis tattoo in Telford,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I headed home to Wales to cram in five years' training.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02Artistically speaking, I was badly constipated and I had to tattoo someone very soon.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I don't know what tattoo I'm going to give them.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08The tattoo shop is 50 yards away and I want to nail it by the time I get in there.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It's a Chinese takeaway.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I could do a Chinese symbol.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Got a flower shop...
0:07:17 > 0:07:19This could be useful.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Everybody likes a nice big fat Buddha, don't they?
0:07:21 > 0:07:26Tigers, they look quite nice. The tattoo studio is there.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Post Office is there, with the tigers in the window.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34Two doors along, in between the two, Flames Kebab House.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38It's like some kind of Derren Brown thing, genuinely freaking me out.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40The stars are seriously aligned.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45Tomorrow's punter is getting a tiger jumping through flames.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50My destination was a family-run tattoo and piercing studio deep in the Welsh Valleys,
0:07:50 > 0:07:51the mystical world of Abracadabra.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56The name evoked in the magic and mystery of the Orient. I met the owner, Dave.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59How long have you been a tattooist, Dave?
0:07:59 > 0:08:0033 years this year.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04What are the most important skills of a tattoo artist?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06To keep a steady hand.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Got to get a firm line down on there.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12It can jump about a lot and go all over the place.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I've been looking for inspiration.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19I keep coming back to like a tiger or something jumping through some flames.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- That is way beyond. - Is it?- Yeah, yeah.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I can show you an early version.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I did it in like a minute or two with a henna tube I've never used.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32- It'll be better than this, I reckon, if I did it again.- Oh, I hope so.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Have you got good insurance?
0:08:35 > 0:08:40Every day, people come in and they've had something like that done in someone's bedroom.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- I thought it was quite good.- Er, no.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- Would you have something like that? - Er... No.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I can take the parsnip out.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- And the flames.- Lose the flames?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Yeah, and the tiger. - THEY LAUGH
0:08:55 > 0:08:57So Rhod, have you got any tattoos yourself?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I've got a tiny little R in a bloodline there.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02So, there's no ink in the thing.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06To do a tattoo on someone, I really that you should experience
0:09:06 > 0:09:11what it is you're doing to someone, and have a tattoo yourself.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15I left the house this morning and I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17What the hell would I have?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20'How was I meant to choose? I'd rather peel the skin off my own skull
0:09:20 > 0:09:23'than get a tattoo of a skull with a dagger through its eye.'
0:09:23 > 0:09:28I quite like animals, Dave, but I don't know if I want them permanently etched on my skin.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Who the hell would have that? - You wouldn't believe what they have.
0:09:32 > 0:09:38What would you describe this thing as, then? It's a sort of mixture of a dragon cow-woman with udders.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- I could have my cat. I do quite like my cat.- Have your cat, yeah.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Arnold, his name is. I could have that, an Arnold.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Tom Jones. Is that a popular one round here, up this area?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48No, never done that.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Have you not?- Done John Wayne.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53You've done John Wayne, but not Tom Jones.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- Yeah.- So nobody's ever had a Tom? I'm surprised at that, round here.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00'Nothing's leaping out at me. People keep asking me what I'm passionate about.'
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I can't really think of anything that I'd want tattooed on myself.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Quite a big fan of the NHS, so I could have a picture of Nye Bevan.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I quite enjoy crisps, quite enjoy The Apprentice.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Watching old episodes of Bergerac.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Nobody's going to have a massive John Nettles on their back.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17'I couldn't find anything on Dave's charts or tattoo websites.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21'In desperation, I started looking in the Argos catalogue.'
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I want something that girls like.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I know what women like - cushions!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29My girlfriend's always talking about cushions. 'Bingo! A cushion!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31'Now I just needed a cushion cover.'
0:10:31 > 0:10:33It's clearly a pie of some sort.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I'm not sure what the filling is, but flames coming out the back.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Make it a little bit darker and a little bit more exciting.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41That pie's obviously arrived on the scene very quickly.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44You can see the element of danger with the Battenberg.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Three or four slices have fallen off there, which is obviously a bit...
0:10:47 > 0:10:50It's a shame the Battenberg's not on fire, isn't it?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- You could put it on fire.- We can add some flames to it if you want.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- You can add flames to the Battenberg?- Yes.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56- So I can mix and match?- Yeah.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Fair play, you have found a Battenberg on fire.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04What about a Battenberg cushion? Can you see if you can find a Battenberg cushion?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- I like the idea of a cushion.- Yeah?
0:11:06 > 0:11:12Yeah. Can I get a cushion with your Battenberg one off the wall there,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16with the slices falling down on it and then on fire,
0:11:16 > 0:11:21some flames coming out of it, and then maybe, I don't know yet, but maybe Nye Bevan looking on.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Have you done that one before? - Oh, no.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I don't know if anybody's got it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Believe me, there's nobody has got that. RHOD LAUGHS
0:11:30 > 0:11:33'Dave didn't have a ready-made "flaming Battenberg cushion
0:11:33 > 0:11:37' "with a concerned Aneurin Bevan looking on" design, so he knocked one up.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40I'm just going to draw on the flames.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44It's not hurting too much at the moment, Dave.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47You'll be fine, but just don't hold your breath, all right?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Breathe as normal.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Just relax, all right?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I can't relax, Dave.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Just drop this arm, that's it.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Are you ready?- Argh... - BUZZING
0:12:01 > 0:12:06Ah, Dave, that hurts! Ah, Dave!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Argh!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Arghhh! Arghhh!
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Howww do people do this? Oww!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15People come back here...
0:12:15 > 0:12:19I'm sure they come back, yes, looking for you, I imagine!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Argh! Ooh! Argh!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Ay-ay-ay-ay! Ah!
0:12:25 > 0:12:30I tell you what, I don't think I'm going to get round to having Nye Bevan as well.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36'Having a proper tattoo was agony. My shoulder felt like a feminist's bra.'
0:12:36 > 0:12:41I never want to see another Battenberg in my life, Dave. Aiii!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Mr Kipling can ... right off.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48'I wanted Dave to stop, but there's probably only one thing worse than having a Battenberg on your back,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50'and that's having half a Battenberg.'
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Ow! It really feels like a needle just going in and then just ripping your flesh.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Have you got some nice cooling spray, Dave? Is that cooling?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Cooling spray... You'll be back. - I won't be back, Dave.
0:13:09 > 0:13:15You'll be back. You'll forget all about it and then you'll think, "Oh, it wasn't really that bad."
0:13:15 > 0:13:17It was really that bad.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I will never be back.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I felt like I'd had a back rub off Edward Pizza-wheels-hands.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26But the girls wanted to up the ante and we were off in search of new ways to inflict pain.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29We're going to Chrome in Cardiff with my mate Ed
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and we're going to learn how to put the micro-dermal anchors,
0:13:32 > 0:13:36a piece of jewellery which sits underneath the surface of the skin.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Do you do that here at the moment?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41No. It something that we want to expand into.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I am not doing it, I'm not being a guinea pig.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45I'm not doing anything else today.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I've had enough pain inflicted on me.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52'Where we were going, they knew more about holes than a mole with a hole punch.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56'I've always thought this piercing lark was a bit weird,
0:13:56 > 0:14:01'but when Ed explained some of the things people ask him to do to them, it all sounded very reasonable.'
0:14:01 > 0:14:05What we do is mainly body piercing. There's not a lot of places on the body you can't pierce now.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09But we also do a little bit of body modification. I've split tongues.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14This is an ampallang, the most macho male ones you can have,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18the most extreme apart from actually splitting the penis.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah! - Yeah, you can split
0:14:21 > 0:14:24and have two halves.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- What, you split that down the middle and...- Yeah.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- Like leaves of a book?- Yeah.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Why would you do that, Ed? - That doesn't float my boat.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Have you had somebody come in and go...
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"Ed, today I'd like you to split my penis in two."
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Someone asked for it and I told them no.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42'I was about to ask Ed if he'd split my penis down the middle
0:14:42 > 0:14:44'and pop a few scoops of ice cream round it when a punter came in.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49'I wasn't sure whether to say hello or stick 20p in her and try and win a cuddly toy.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51'I said hello.'
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- I'm sorry to stare at you. - It's hard not to.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58I feel like Bill Oddie looking at a woodland creature.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Come on, Izzie. Be brave.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I'm going to start there. We're not allowed to give any pain relief,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08but then that's half the fun.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10What's wrong with you all?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What is wrong with all of you lot?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I don't smoke, I don't drink...
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Well, start smoking and drinking, I would.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- Here we go.- I'm not going to faint now, the worst of it's over.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34It's not as painful as the last one I had.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37'There's just an intensity around this whole world.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40'The pain that I felt when I was being tattooed...'
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Thinking about inflicting that pain on somebody else is a really horrible thought.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52My big day arrived, but Dave was worried that I was as ready to tattoo someone
0:15:52 > 0:15:55as a man with both hands trapped under a sleeping gorilla.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00I had to work on my drawing skills. He put a thingy on the pencil so it was more like a tattoo thing.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Trying to draw this panther.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10With this thing on it's really, really difficult.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15It looks like what I imagine Scooby Doo might look like if he was abusing solvents.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I think I've got a fix for this.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I think I've made this look deliberate. Here it is.
0:16:20 > 0:16:26This is Scooby Doo, in brackets, after hearing he's been fined £50 for dog fouling.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28There's the dog foul there, on the pavement.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31And then we'll have Scooby shouting, "It wasn't me!"
0:16:31 > 0:16:33protesting his innocence.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I've added Scrappy Doo shouting, "Yes, it was!" at Scooby.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40'I still felt artistically constipated, but surprisingly
0:16:40 > 0:16:43'Dave and Maria quite liked my mountain cat with dropsy.'
0:16:43 > 0:16:49- Out of ten, Dave? - Got all the shadowing. - Out of 10, I'd say seven.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Really?- Yeah, yeah, that's good. - That's the one I was trying to do.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- Good choice.- What we've ended up with is a slight evolution of that.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00He looks more like Scooby Doo having a mild nervous breakdown.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Or looks like it's been run over.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Very difficult to use, this, though.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Yeah, it's the weight thing, isn't it?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12My roadkill Scooby Doo poodunnit got a thumbs-down,
0:17:12 > 0:17:16but, spinning it positively, Dave said my work had a sense of humour.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18So he introduced me to someone he thought I'd get on with.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Royston had more famous faces down his trousers than Russell Brand.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24What's this one here? I can just see something else peeping out there.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Hang on, let me guess. Let's reveal it bit by bit.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I'll give you a clue. A Scot.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32A Scot. Go on, she's got long hair there.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Look at that. I tell you what,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38that is a rather splendid, beautiful-looking Lorraine Kelly.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Why Lorraine Kelly?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Everybody comes in, they want a skull, they want a dagger
0:17:43 > 0:17:46or a dagger through the skull and God knows what else.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50So I had a word with Dave, so we came up with the idea of Lorraine Kelly.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53It just goes to show there's a brighter side to tattooing.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56This is the light side. I see. I see what you're saying.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59'This light side of tattooing was all very well,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03'but if I tattooed someone now, Dave would need a sense of humour and legal aid.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05'My fledgling tattoo career looked over.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08'Then, out of the blue, a superhero arrived.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13'Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No, it was Russell Brand legs man. He said I could practise on him.'
0:18:13 > 0:18:16He's got loads of tattoos. He's covered in them.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20So that's why we sort of picked him as a guinea pig, really.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23He knows the score and he understands that this might not be
0:18:23 > 0:18:25the finest artwork he's ever seen in his life.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29This is making the transfer that's going to go on to Royston's skin.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31There we are, look at that. Magic.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36- Take the needle out of the packet. - It's making my knees go weak already.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Rub it in with your hand, that's the way.- Are you happy with it there, Royston?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Yeah, happy with it.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Nervous?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- How nervous are you, out of a scale of 1 to 10?- Seriously, truthfully?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- Yeah. 1 to 10.- 10.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I'm only on a 7!
0:18:54 > 0:18:59So you put it in there, and do you press the button while it's in there?
0:18:59 > 0:19:03I'm about to do my first ever tattoo.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Right. No problem. - BUZZING
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- How's that, Royston? - All right there, thanks.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Painful?- Yeah.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I'm going to try and make it less painful for you, is my objective.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25How's that, Roy?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I tell you what, Royston, that's not bad.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39No, not bad at all.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42'Russell Brand legs man had saved the day.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44'He was the laxative to my artistic constipation.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46'I was starting to enjoy this light side to tattooing.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49'I even got my Battenberg out for the girls.'
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Check the art.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Wow. I love cake.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Do you? Cushions?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Cushions, my favourite. - All women love cushions.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02'My real customer would be along soon and I was on a high.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05But Maria felt I was still a bit of an inky penis on the leg of tattooing,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08'and that I needed more coaching.'
0:20:08 > 0:20:13What's it actually like being a full-time tattoo artist, Maria?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17You get to meet loads of interesting people with lots of different stories
0:20:17 > 0:20:19and you become a part of their life.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24One of the things I've noticed about this place is it seems to be like a real heart of the community.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Yeah, yeah. It's like therapy for them, me,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31if I need to get anything off my chest.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34If I didn't tattoo, I think I'd be a counsellor.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Would you?- Yeah.- Everybody says tattoos are addictive.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Once you have one, you want more and more.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44It's the whole bonding thing, like they come back for that.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It's the buzz of the piece when it's done. You know, you feel good.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Did you feel good?- No.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53And I tell you now, I'm not coming back, community or no community.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57'In the next few minutes, I learned why the shop was called Abracadabra.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00'One minute I was having a nice chat with Maria,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04'the next I mysteriously found myself semi-naked in Joy's dentist chair.'
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It's not as bad as you think it's going to be.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- It better not be as bad as I think it's going to be.- It's not.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Right, there's the clamp going on.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Joy! It's ironic, you having a name like Joy, isn't it?
0:21:24 > 0:21:28When you bring so much misery and bloody pain... Even that's agony!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- What's that, is that just the ice? - Yes. Oh, my God.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I don't even want it.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37All done. Ready?
0:21:37 > 0:21:42HE SCREAMS
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Joy!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Oh, God, this is horrible.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oh, God alive.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Can't take any more.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Between the tattoo and now this, I just...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Poor little nipple.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59What have I done to you?
0:22:02 > 0:22:03God alive.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Not light headed, or...?
0:22:11 > 0:22:16'Joy had rammed that thing through my man-tit like a cheap buffet snack.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21'Time for my revenge. I wanted to split her breasts in half and fill them with fruit.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23'She wanted an earring.' Look at that.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28- That's what you push in through here. - What is?- The whole thing.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30That's not going right through the ear, like that?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33You haven't got to go right in, just until you can see it out the back.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Then you pull the needle back and you'll leave a plastic tube.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Say all that again. I wasn't listening, I was panicking.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40- Are you ready?- Mm-hmm.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Couldn't you have chosen me something to pierce that's a bit further away from your brain?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Can we take your ear off and do it somewhere else? - My brain is in my feet.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52- OK?- Mm-hmm.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Ow!
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- Flick that bit off now. - Are you all right?- Mm-hmm. If the jewellery is right through...
0:23:00 > 0:23:03The jewellery is right through, I can see the thread.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Oh, heck.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- I've dropped the bling. - Me balls are gone.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15The balls, the end of the jewellery bit's gone.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Has it been sterilised now? - Yes, I just sterilised it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20So it's fully sterilised again.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Very difficult to get it on there.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Shit, I've dropped it. Where has it gone? It's in your ear.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- It's right at the back there. - Yeah, that could be it.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41There we go.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Who's a brave boy?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51'My tattoo appointment was in.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53'I had to forget about Nipplegate and focus.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55'Amanda was a tattoo virgin.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59'As her tattoo artist, it was my job to reassure her and build her confidence.'
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Amanda. Hello.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Nice to meet you. How are you doing?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Do you know what to expect?- No.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13The first thing I've got to tell you is, it's agony.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16It's really, properly, seriously painful.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19It feels like somebody ripping into you with a compass.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22It feels like being ironed with a scalding iron.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28It does, honestly. It feels like somebody, if taking a cheese grater to your leg
0:24:28 > 0:24:33and rubbing like that for about an hour until it's bleeding and stuff, that's what it feels like.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Really, really painful. What are you going to go for?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38This one by here.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- This one?- Yep. There.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45That's good because the only tattoo I've ever done was on the front of somebody's leg.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47'Amanda was still nervous, so I showed her my artwork.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50'Maybe the light side of tattooing would appeal to her too.'
0:24:50 > 0:24:53That was in a henna tube, they're really difficult to control.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Tattooing's far easier than that. You can see the talent, can't you?
0:24:55 > 0:24:59You can see the raw talent that I've got to work with. This is some of my early stuff.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00This was earlier in my career.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I did this...yesterday.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Oh, no, the day before. It was the day before yesterday!
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- Oh, my God.- I didn't do that.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14That's the original. But look what I did.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17It's not bad.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Don't lose confidence just because I can't get a glove on.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25If you don't want to go through with it, you must say now,
0:25:26 > 0:25:31because in about a minute from now it's going to be too late. So if you...
0:25:33 > 0:25:37We should have some tense music like on a quiz show.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Just get ready for a really sort of intense scratching, burning, all right?
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- OK, just stretching the skin to make sure. Ready?- Yeah.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53That's it. Try not to move.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Don't move, whatever you do now, don't move.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00That's it. Really try and stay still.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02It's a little bit wobbly where you moved,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04but hardly nothing, it's absolutely fine.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07You know it's going to be really painful
0:26:07 > 0:26:09but as soon as I take my hand away, the pain goes.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Do you think you can not move for this bit? Are you sure?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18OK, every time you move like that, don't flinch now.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22OK, don't move, don't move.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24OK, try not to move.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26No moving, no moving!
0:26:26 > 0:26:30It's only going to be a second, don't move, that's it, don't move.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Deep breaths.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35OK? Don't look.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Try not to flinch like that.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43'Tattooing Amanda was far more difficult than Russell Brand legs man.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45'She was a moving target.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49'It was as dangerous as a woman doing her bikini line on a bouncy castle.'
0:26:49 > 0:26:53If you jolt, I could put a line like that anywhere around here.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56That's supposed to mean good and beautiful, you could end up with...
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Egg fried rice.- Egg fried rice.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Don't jolt now.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Get a bit of pink colour in there.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24We're just going to put a little bit of colour in these petals.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Right, everyone, I want to show you my first customer,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34first real customer.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36This one is a bit wobbly,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38- but that's down to movement.- You.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I don't know what all the fuss was about. You were shifting about.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45You should have seen me yesterday. I was as good as gold, wasn't I?
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Now you can see how difficult it can be.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- I'm going to give you five on this one.- Right, and if I do that?- Six.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58Six? I genuinely thought you were going to say 9, 9.6.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Amanda, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up.
0:28:01 > 0:28:06'Amanda would never win best female leg, but provided she never took her trousers off
0:28:06 > 0:28:08'and married someone with cataracts, she'd be fine.'
0:28:08 > 0:28:12- Thanks very much for everything, mate.- Pleasure.- It's been great.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14It's been a fascinating insight into your life.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I never thought it was going to be easy, but it's very, very difficult.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20You need to be accurate. You need to have great concentration.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22- It's a really hard canvas, the human body.- That's right.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24It jumps about like a box of frogs.
0:28:24 > 0:28:30'There's a little bit of me thinking I want to go back and do that again - the tattooing, that is.'
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Because there's two things I never want to do again as long as I live.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37One, I never want to have another tattoo. I absolutely hate it.
0:28:37 > 0:28:42And two, I will never, EVER pierce another nipple.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46And that, my little friend, is a cast-iron promise.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48I'm so sorry that I did that to you.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50I don't know what I was thinking.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51I just got carried away.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55It's this stupid programme, it makes me do some ridiculous things.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Come on, Nipple. Let's get you home.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:08 > 0:29:11E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk