0:00:02 > 0:00:06THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian. I'm ditching my regular job
0:00:10 > 0:00:13and trying something completely different.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15This is my work experience.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17And this week, I'm a zoo keeper.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28I had no idea how to prepare for being a zoo keeper.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30The closest I've come to working with animals
0:00:30 > 0:00:31is hoovering round my mum's cat.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34So, I set off in search of our four-legged friends.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35That's animals, not tables.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37The scent of exotic dung took me
0:00:37 > 0:00:40to the North Wales Mountain Zoo in Colwyn Bay.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Where 69 species of animal,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45and one species of visiting public was waiting for me.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Not quite sure what to expect from a mountain zoo.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51A couple of goats, a climbing pig,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53a goldfish that's forgotten its natural habitat.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58- I dunno, what is a mountain zoo? - BIRD SQUAWKS
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Is he talking to me?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I never really saw what the big deal was about Dr Doolittle.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08"He can talk to the animals." Anyone can talk to the animals.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Hello. It's getting them to talk back, that's the tricky bit.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15My grandma used to talk to cutlery. Nobody called her a doctor.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22Well, they did, but he just sedated her. Life goes on.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27First job, find the head zoo keeper. Pete was to the zoo,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29what Keith Harris's hand was to Orville.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32He knew it inside out. With many deadly animals around, and myths
0:01:32 > 0:01:33of what to do in the event of an attack,
0:01:33 > 0:01:37finally, some serious advice from an expert.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41All of the staff need to know what to do if an animal escapes.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Now, a category one animal, which is our most dangerous,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46if you like, things like the chimpanzee, tiger,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48the procedure for that is just to hide.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I know that sounds daft!
0:01:54 > 0:02:00Sorry. When it said, "escape procedure," it means hide?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03It's to go and hide yourself away, somewhere safe.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05The chimps won't count to 10 before they come after you?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Where are you going to hide? - You've to be calm about this. You've got to walk away.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10If a tiger escapes, I tell you now,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13there's no way I'm going to be keeping calm.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16The one word safety briefing hadn't filled me with confidence.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17It sounded like extreme hide and seek.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21But anyone with a file with "zoo" written on it must really know their shit.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25And I felt a lot safer when he gave me a tiger resistant fleece.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Got the uniform on. Bona fide zoo keeper.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Quite excited about this,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35a little bit nervous of a category one escape, but still.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36To reassure me even further,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Pete had the latest in high-tech safety equipment.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43It's just a referee's whistle. We use this as a call for help, basically.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Could be an escaped animal, could be that there is a fire.- Right.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48SHORT PEEP
0:02:48 > 0:02:49That's for a small fire.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LONG PEEP
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Tiger's escaped. You should know that.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59If a chimp or a tiger did escape, I'd just blow my whistle
0:02:59 > 0:03:01and tell them they were offside.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I was ready for a whistle-stop tour. What is it? A snow leopard?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- A snow leopard, yeah. - It looks so strokeable.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11They will mate 20 or 30 times a day, but for only about three days a year.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Well, I think we've all done that.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Get it over with in a batch, that's what I do.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Some people are passionate about lizards and snakes,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21as some people are passionate about cats.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- It's just the more reptile people. - It's a bit odd, isn't it?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I must be a bit odd then, because I've got some of these.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I'm definitely not a tortoise person.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Part of the problem of being a tortoise, you can see, that one's been to the toilet,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36and because they're so slow, he still hasn't got away from it yet.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- What kind of penguins are these then?- These are Humboldt penguins.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- One of the rarest penguins. - Are they shivering?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44They're not shivering as we would know, for the cold.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46There's something going on, they're slightly nervous.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Because there's a new keeper in town.- Yeah, probably.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52They're not going to recognise you straight away, obviously.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53What? Don't they watch telly?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- That seagull up on the roof there, is he part of the zoo?- No.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- Or is he visiting? - This is Gus, male Andean condor.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- Oh, my God!- It's a big bird.- Oh, I almost had my whistle out then.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13Tamarins, which are these little South American primates.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18- What the hell is that? That is a little monkey person. Have you dressed them up?- No, no, that's it.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It looks like you've put them in little wigs and moustaches.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Go and have a look at the spider monkey.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28God, that is a weird looking thing, isn't it? It's quite camp.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It's got quite a camp run. Look at that!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Males are very difficult to sex when they're all fluffy, cos you can't see anything.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38We've all made those mistakes. There's more to zoo keeping than looking at knobs.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41One of those zoo's most popular shows was Chimpanzee World.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Think World Of Leather, but with better furniture,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45and more knowledgeable staff.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Zoe, the zoo's resident chimp whisperer, usually did the shows,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52and introduced me to everyone.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56So, this is Groat at the feeding chute, at the moment here.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00We've got Katie here, who's having a snooze herself, and her sister, Jill, up at the top here.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03How can you tell them apart?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06You do spend a lot of time with them,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08it is like looking at a group of people,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11and you do recognise their facial features very easily.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- Those are as different to you as we are to me?- Yeah, absolutely.- Really?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Who's this fella? - This is Jasper. He's just saying,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21"Come on, give me some more!"
0:05:21 > 0:05:22He's going bonkers.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Because he's never usually allowed to get to the feeding chute,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27because it's all about hierarchy here.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32This type of thing, you'll be doing on Thursday.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35So, it's just a case of trying to learn all of the chimps.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37The public won't know, I'll just make it up.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42I was worried. You could fit everything I know about chimps on the back of a teabag,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45and call me chimpist, but they all look the same to me.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- How long does it take to get to know them all? - It took me a few weeks,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51probably about a month in total.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53What would they do if you went in there?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- You would be lucky if you got out alive, I think.- Really?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- They'd just rip you to bits?- Yeah. - The glass is cracked down there.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Luckily this is double-paned, bullet-proof glass.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04He's smashed bullet-proof glass?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Yeah. It's just wear and tear over time. They're so fascinating.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12- They are wonderful.- I thought that was one of them coming out then!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- I thought, "Oh, Christ, he's got..." - It's all right, it's only Becky.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19He's ignored the no exit sign, and he's coming out.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Great, I had to get to know 11 bullet-proof, glass smashing ninja chimps in two days.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28If that wasn't enough, Pete dropped another bombshell at the sea lion enclosure.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30You have to watch this carefully, because tomorrow,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34or the next day, you'll be feeding, and hopefully training the sea lions.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- What will I be able to get a sea lion to do?- Probably balance a ball.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Probably to get a kiss. Maybe a handshake.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I'll just do the ball, I think.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Pete wanted me to work with the zoo's
0:06:45 > 0:06:48sofa-sized Californian sea lion, Cousteau.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52A couple of mints wouldn't go amiss.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Zoe and Cousteau's well-rehearsed and choreographed display
0:06:55 > 0:07:00had taken years to perfect, but in two days, I'd be his new partner.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Cousteau was a 50-stone S&M gimp with breath like a sardine's bidet,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09and whiskers like the hairs on Peter Stringfellow's bath mat.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I can't imagine doing this at all.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16That's not intelligent, that's stupid.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17He had the whole pool to swim in,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20and he managed to get trapped in all three rings.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24How do you do it? There's no way I can do that. There's not a chance.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27No, I think it's doable, but it is going to be difficult.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29How long does it take to get that kind of relationship?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Probably about two years.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34They won't be completely comfortable with you, vice versa,
0:07:34 > 0:07:35but they will do it.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Cousteau may do it, but I'd rather pull my pants down in the chimp enclosure and shout,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42"Who's next at the feeding chute?" than get in there with him.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Sensing I was bricking it about the chimp and gimp shows, Zoe gave me an idiot-proof one to start me off.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50The daily penguin parade. Chimp show, there's a lot to learn.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53The sea lion show, there's a lot of training to learn and stuff, this,
0:07:53 > 0:07:57apparently, you just walk out with a bucket of fish, and they follow you.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02This is a gentle introduction to the public side of zoo keeping.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Apparently, nothing could go wrong.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06With a bucket of fish I'd be the Pied Penguin Piper.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09As long as I didn't look back and scare them, they'd follow me.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11If you look to the right hand side of the arena,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14you'll start to see Rhod bringing out
0:08:14 > 0:08:16our lovely group of Humboldt penguins.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It's OK, keep coming,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22they'll hopefully follow us in just a minute.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24If you don't want to become extinct, you little shits,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27you follow me out there, there's people who've paid to see a parade,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29and that's what they'll get.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I know we're all tired. Come on then, come on.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Are they coming? Are they there?- No.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40SHE LAUGHS
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Looks like Rhod's given up on them as well.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I'm not giving up, I'm going to get violent! There's a crowd of people there. I'm dying on my arse.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- You can't knock his efforts here for trying.- Let's go. Let's go.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- For- BLEEP- sake. What is this shit?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Come on. It's going ahead anyway.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05You can do the parade by yourself.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08You don't need any penguins, that's fine, you carry on.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Rhod has done a fantastic job here for us this afternoon,
0:09:11 > 0:09:12trying to be a very good penguin.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15That's a lovely penguin impression as well.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17It was the worst penguin show since my auntie fired
0:09:17 > 0:09:20a chocolate biscuit out of her nether regions
0:09:20 > 0:09:21in Newport Rugby Club.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I was tempted to p-p-pick up a p-p-pissing penguin
0:09:24 > 0:09:25and p-p-push him off a cliff.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27You left me looking a right dick up there.
0:09:27 > 0:09:3150 people standing there, paid for a penguin parade, what have they got?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Me wandering around with a bucket full of fish.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35You think that's worth £8.95?
0:09:35 > 0:09:3910 years apparently, they've been training for this! 10 years.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Every day they walk out there and back.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I'd never had my confidence shattered so badly by a penguin.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47To rebuild it, Pete planned to pack my next day
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- as tightly as Cousteau's Speedos. - Busy day tomorrow.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55I think first thing we've got to move the baby camel, knock out two horses,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58feed and clean a tiger, feed and clean the bears.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It's like a Rolf Harris wet dream, isn't it?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05I'm looking forward to getting a little bit more involved,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08a little bit more hands-on, a little bit more of me doing, rather than me watching.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I have got to learn all the chimps' names and what they look like.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I don't want to be rude to chimps, I can see absolutely no discernible difference.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Some of these animals look friendly, but they're actually pretty nasty.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23They want me to kiss Cousteau, the sea lion. I'm not particularly looking forward to that.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25There's a little bit of nerves and trepidation
0:10:25 > 0:10:28because it could all go horribly wrong.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36My hands-on day. Zoo keeper talk for shovelling shit.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39With my trusty safety whistle in my pocket, it was time to get more intimate with the animals.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44This is the macaw moverer, AKA, broom-handle.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You sit on the fence.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52And we're off. It's bloody heavy!
0:10:52 > 0:10:56It's like a surreal version of Britain's Strongest Man, this is.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58This should only take literally seconds to get into the horsebox.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Just be aware that it can kick, it can bite, possibly spit.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Jesus Christ on a bike!
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- Have you ever been bitten by one of these?- Yeah.- Yes?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Honestly, I will level with you, I was expecting a no there.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I was expecting, "No, they don't bite." I do not like it.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- So, what have I got... - These are all muscle.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Well, they are winning me around a bit, but I still think he's a dick.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30But I quite like him now.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32My confidence was soaring.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37I'd fondled a python, and stood up to the zoo's killer goat.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40So, Pete decided I was ready to feed some more deadly animals.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43We headed to the kitchens of the zoo's on-site KFC.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I'm not quite sure what those are.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46There's quail.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- That's quite posh, quail?- Uncooked posh quail.- I've never had it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Who's having it? - We're going to give it to the tiger.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Do you cook it, or does he have his raw?- Oh, it's all raw, yeah!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Oh, what's that that's come out there?- Oh, that's an unshelled egg.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Cooking is all about presentation.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04This raw bird recipe might not look great, but stick Nigella Lawson in a low-cut top next to it
0:12:04 > 0:12:07and it'll look like sticky toffee pudding.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09The Frosties advert would be a lot less appealing
0:12:09 > 0:12:13if it was showing me doing this, and a tiger going, "They're great!"
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You can see why, for kids, it just wouldn't sell.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18The party bucket was for an inmate in category one,
0:12:18 > 0:12:20solitary confinement.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22His name alone struck terror into all that heard it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Bryn!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Bryn, Bryn, Bryn!
0:12:29 > 0:12:33He's the most majestic thing I've ever seen, and his name is Bryn!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Honestly, you might as well have called him Clive.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Hang on, Bryn.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Oh, my God.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43This is so much more impressive then when my mother feeds our cat.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Puss, puss, puss, puss. Oh, Christ!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Oh!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53That was the egg yolk bursting in my face.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Do you know, normally, I really like a runny yolk!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I was about to give Bryn a good kicking when Tom brought news
0:12:59 > 0:13:01the bears were having a picnic.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04It's a little-known fact wild bears are keen bakers,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07so Tom and I rustled up the bare necessities.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Before we go in, I need to lock the bears into there. Into their pits.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Because we don't go in with the category one animals.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19If you're not back here in five, I'll blow the whistle, yeah?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Yeah, if you hear screaming then I won't either.- Yeah.
0:13:21 > 0:13:27I've got to hide this food around their thing. Basically, in the wild they forage for food,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30so, I think we've got to try and replicate that in there.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33So, I'm already thinking, where can I hide a Bakewell Slice?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39It's your ideas to improve the animal's life,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42and make it as natural as possible.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Just shove them in there.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, right, yeah. I'll put a strawberry in here.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Yeah, you can put a strawberry in there.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50You can put grapes on top of here, if you want.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51This is like having kids!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Chains through there, and had stuff coming off,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57so it's like a bear mobile.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00It's a right laugh being a bear. My mother used to do this with a treasure hunt.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Exactly like this. What's the date on these? Want a bit?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- No, I'm good, thanks. - I need to hide my plums somewhere.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I want the bear, basically, to look around for a while,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14and then find my plums and then explode with excitement.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21With my plums jammed firmly under a rock, the bears were released.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Just such beautiful, powerful creatures.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I wonder which one will find my plums first?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Look at that!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35There's two of them now, circling my plums.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37They've passed them over.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I've just realised how bad all of that plum stuff sounds.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42All I meant was I was looking forward to seeing them claw
0:14:42 > 0:14:44into the soft flesh of my... Oh, God, sorry.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Feeding plums and almond slices to bears was a picnic.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50My next feeding job was barely bearable.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Feeding live locusts to the freaky monkey people freaks.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58That's the most revolting thing I've ever done in my life,
0:14:58 > 0:15:03holding a live locust to be eaten by a freaky monkey little... shit.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Quick, please! Take it!
0:15:06 > 0:15:10This, in my hand here. Quick.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Oh, somebody!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16He had better hurry up or I'm going to throw up.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19You horrible little freaky monkey person. Come on.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Freaky monkey person trapped in a monkey's body! Urgh!
0:15:23 > 0:15:27'While the freaks sucked out the warm insides of their locust lollipops, I did a runner.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30'To cheer me up, Tom had a job he said was simples.'
0:15:30 > 0:15:32First off, how do you catch a meerkat?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Ever caught polecats before? Or any small mammal?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39You know as you grab them round the back of their head,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- then you hold...- I have never caught a polecat, so...
0:15:42 > 0:15:46'I haven't smelt anything this bad since I borrowed Charlie Sheen's sleeping bag.'
0:15:46 > 0:15:49The air is dense, the air is thick with the smell of urine.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52It is like a cat's piss jam that's been boiled down.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55It's how they mark out their territory.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Well, their territory is safe, honestly. They can stop marking.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- Shall I go in?- Yes. You make your way in.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06You want to move slowly, we don't want to cause a mass panic.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08And the speed that they run and my lack of any clue
0:16:08 > 0:16:12of what I'm doing. It is like a fairground attraction.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16It's like Whack The Rat, only Catch The Meerkat.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Whoa!- There we go.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27God, look at them. Get a couple up there, surely.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30HE LAUGHS
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Yes. Get in!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Whoo-o-o-oa!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- It either goes right or it doesn't go right.- (That was my fault.)
0:16:42 > 0:16:45'I had scored an impressive seven in Bag A Meerkat.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48'But the next game was a Shoot 'Em Up.'
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Let's go and shoot these otters, shall we, Peter?- Right.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Tranquillisers.- Yes. - Am I going to shoot one?- No.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00'Only a fool would ask these wild Mongolian horses why they had a long face.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04'Firstly they were Mongolian and spoke limited English. Secondly, they faced extinction.'
0:17:04 > 0:17:06If you see a dart lying on the floor,
0:17:06 > 0:17:07don't pick it up, just leave it.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12Literally a drop of it into an open wound would kill a primate. And we are primates.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14It's quite dangerous.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I have had quite a lot of ketamine.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17THEY LAUGH
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I haven't. I haven't.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24We have got to get one of them down to trim his hooves.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28But apparently the others get a bit frisky while that is happening.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30This could be another panic moment for me.
0:17:32 > 0:17:38'Pete explained that the problem with the mountain zoo was that the animals were all on a slope.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42'We had to shorten their legs on one side to help them stand up straight.'
0:17:42 > 0:17:46In terms of the conservation effort, there were how many of these left?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- It was down to just a dozen or so. - Right.- Something like that.
0:17:49 > 0:17:55They were all taken into various zoos and then slowly got the numbers up to probably several thousand now.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00At least we have got animals in zoos, so that if ever needed, and I think they probably will be,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04they will be there to go back in the wild.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08'These horses have been saved from extinction by zoo keepers like Pete.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10'And from falling over by leg trimmers like me.'
0:18:10 > 0:18:13It will be nice to see him back on his feet.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Wow!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Everybody else is blase about this,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19but I really wanted to clap then.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I thought, I am like an American on a plane.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23'His new stumps were a success.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25'He could gallop freely round the slopey zoo,
0:18:25 > 0:18:30'as long as he didn't try and go back the other way, he'd be fine.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33'I was still worried about the shows I had to do the next day.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37'My main fear was getting up close to the massive, fish-stained gimp, Cousteau.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42'So Pete took me to meet a portable travel version, washed up on a nearby beach.'
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Look at how cute he is.
0:18:45 > 0:18:51So this is one of the grey seals that was washed up off the North Wales coast.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54They can be very aggressive. Very sharp teeth, full of bacteria.
0:18:54 > 0:19:00To restrain this, it would probably take two or three people, honestly.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02You wouldn't think so,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05but they're really incredibly strong and powerful.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07'He was no taller than a loaf of bread,
0:19:07 > 0:19:11'but apparently if it all kicked off, this 10-inch mini-gimp could be a right flipper-full.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13'He was well enough to go home.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16'Sweeping him into a cage, chucking him in the back of a van
0:19:16 > 0:19:22'and driving him to a deserted beach reminded me of childhood family holidays in Wales.'
0:19:22 > 0:19:23We have come down to Penrhyn Bay
0:19:23 > 0:19:28on the North Wales coast to release this seal.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33Hopefully, he will go in there. Is this what zoo keeping is all about?
0:19:33 > 0:19:34It's what it is partly about.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37This is the really nice bit, the immediate bit.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Conservation is more long-term, you might be looking at five years,
0:19:42 > 0:19:4310 years, 50 year, 100 years.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47So this is quite nice in the short term. This is the ultimate end.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Brilliant. OK. Let's go and lob him in the sea then.
0:19:54 > 0:20:00- So what are his chances of survival? - Pretty good. Probably about 50/50.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- Is that pretty good, is it? - That is excellent, really.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Point him the right way.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Right, Roger, are you ready?
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Come on, Roger. Out you come.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Go on, Roger.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Look at that.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I think people have this sort of fantasy of what wild is
0:20:29 > 0:20:32all about, they're free in the wild, living naturally.
0:20:32 > 0:20:38In fact, it is a hard, harsh, nasty kill or be killed world out there.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41And this has just got to learn all of that.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44'Talking of being killed, back at the zoo,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46'it was time to get in with Cousteau.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49'If it took three people to restrain the 10-inch travel version
0:20:49 > 0:20:52'we just released, Cousteau was a one-sea-lion army,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54'like Chuck Norris in a PVC onesie.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59'But if I was to do a show with him, had to overcome my fear of this wet-look leather lardmobile.'
0:20:59 > 0:21:03There is no need to be nervous at all. He is really, really good.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08You can ask him to give you a nice wave. I'll just feed him for that.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11All you have to do is just walk up really nice and boldly
0:21:11 > 0:21:13and just be like, yeah.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Lean into him and he will give you a nice big kiss.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17He can do it on your cheek if you don't want to do lips just yet.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Are you not kissing him? - No. Has he ever bitten anyone?
0:21:20 > 0:21:25I'll throw him a fish. It's nothing personal. Well, it is personal.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Do you want to throw a hoop into the pool?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- He can go and get that and then feed him afterwards.- Change of plan.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I want you not to go through it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Avoid it, yeah? Avoid this.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39SHE LAUGHS
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Avoid the ring!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48He's like Gollum. Obsessed.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- Now I have to get you out of that, because you're stuck.- Good luck.
0:21:52 > 0:21:59He's fine. Just go in there and take it off. Keep going, that's it.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Oh, my God!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04SHE LAUGHS
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- Genuinely quite scary. He is a big old lump.- Scary?!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13'Rhod and Cousteau would never be Brad and Angelina.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16'Nobody would ever call us Rhousteau, but at least I was in there with him.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20'As long as tomorrow's show did not involve me doing anything else whatsoever, we'd be fine.'
0:22:20 > 0:22:23What a clever lad! Well done.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I had an auntie who walked like that.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29'I'd made progress with Cousteau, but still couldn't tell one chimp's arse from another one's elbow.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33'So Pete gave me a jungle VIP pass to get to know them better.'
0:22:33 > 0:22:35You're going to help me with a chimp presentation.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I can't remember your names. And you all look the same to me.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- This is Euro.- Who's that? Who the hell is this bruiser?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48That's him, Sixpence, who's the alpha male.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50He is huge. I am not surprised. He is enormous.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- All right, Sixpence? This is Groat. - That's Nickel.- Nickel, yes.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I can't tell the difference. Nickel!
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Tuppence has learned a little bit of sign language,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06so she can point out an empty bottle and then at the tap
0:23:06 > 0:23:08and then at you, so she is quite clever.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13The others have never learned that. You look into the eyes of a chimp and think there is something going on,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15like looking into the eyes of a girlfriend.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18That says more about you than it does about the chimp.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23Where is the tap? Where is the tap, Tuppence? Where's the tap, Tuppence?
0:23:23 > 0:23:28Where is the tap? Where is the tap? Peter, where's the tap?
0:23:28 > 0:23:33- It's over there.- 'Peter proudly told me not only could Tuppence order
0:23:33 > 0:23:36'a round of drinks, but she was also an accomplished painter.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39'I was starting to see why he'd gone out with her in the first place.'
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Euro, you don't even like drawing. Stop interfering with the artistic process.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Euro, you are just being disruptive.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49OK, you can have a little bit, Euro. You go over there and eat your paint
0:23:49 > 0:23:51and we're going to do a painting over here.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56This is a Honda Accord 1987 by Tuppence.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59'Paint wasn't really Tuppence's medium,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01'so I give her felt tips and a flipchart and asked her to draw
0:24:01 > 0:24:06'some caricatures of her friends to help me remember them. The results were simply astonishing.'
0:24:06 > 0:24:09This is Mabel, who is our oldest chimp.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11This is Euro, who is very, very sociable.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15He is depicted here leaning over a wall, chatting with his neighbours.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19This is Tuppence, who is the only bald chimp in the group.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Top chimp is Sixpence -
0:24:20 > 0:24:23that is how I'm going to remember him, music booming.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28Last but not least, Coron is distinctive mainly in this area,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31cos he has massive nuts.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34'I was getting there slowly, but I was still anxious about
0:24:34 > 0:24:36'the next day's shows. And that night I had nightmares.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38'Cousteau and a leather whip,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41'freaky monkey people sucking locust lollipops and most scarily of all,
0:24:41 > 0:24:46'Pete and Tuppence on the backseat of a Honda Accord. Next morning, Penguin-gate still haunted me.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51'I needed the chimps to put on a bullet-proof-glass-smashing show to make up for it.'
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I don't know anything about these chimps.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I had a quick pep talk with Tuppence and Euro and Sixpence earlier,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59but I have no idea. I don't recognise any of them.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Get them to ask questions, that's a good technique.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Or get them to tell me what they know about chimps. That's the one.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11- Hello.- Hello.- Are you all right? Why don't you tell me what you know about chimps?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13And then I can tell you the rest.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- They eat fruit.- They eat fruit. They do eat fruit. Well done!
0:25:18 > 0:25:24Good. Um... They do eat fruit... don't they?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Does anybody have any questions about chimps?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33You probably have so many, you can't think of any off the top of your head.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Is that what it is?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37'I couldn't have asked for more.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41The chimps put on a blinding acrobatic display and the crowd lapped it up.'
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Well, it's a hell of a show today, isn't it?
0:25:46 > 0:25:50I failed to engage the public and the chimps.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Do you know what I was looking at? That was so awkward.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56That was a bloody... That and the penguins.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Today is turning into a nightmare.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01'Like a vicar hurriedly trying to hide a blow-up doll, the penguins
0:26:01 > 0:26:03'and chimps had let me down badly.
0:26:03 > 0:26:09'I headed to my final show, my last chance of dignity in the flippers of a critically obese French sea lion.'
0:26:09 > 0:26:12If he lets me down today, I don't care who is watching,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I will beat him to within an inch of his fat life.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20You touch my sea lion, you are going in that pool.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- I am much scarier than Cousteau. - You're not.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33'An expectant crowd had gathered. We had to pull this off.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36'Cousteau and I had rehearsed. It was time to deliver.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40'Welcome to Strictly Come Gimping.'
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# Baby, you're so tasty, tasty
0:26:50 > 0:26:52# I don't really want to waste it... #
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Don't let me down now, Cousteau.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# So put your back into it And let your mind go... #
0:26:59 > 0:27:02He's doing all right. Cousteau is doing all right.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# I know you wanna go crazy I know you wanna go wild
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# I know you wanna go crazy... #
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- I think he really likes you, Rhod. - The feeling is mutual.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Good boy.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28'A new showbiz partnership had been born. Rhousteau.'
0:27:28 > 0:27:33- Well done! That was really good.- That was all right. We did all right.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Yeah, you both did really well.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- How do you think I got on?- To be honest, I think it was all right.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42In the circumstances, average.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46No, in the circumstances, I would say above average.
0:27:46 > 0:27:53In this zoo, the keepers feel like a family, but the animals are included. It's one big family.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58With the best will in the world, if you work in Tesco's, you don't get passionate over a tin of beans
0:27:58 > 0:28:02or a packet of cornflakes. But here, everyone is passionate about their own little bit.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05If it all doesn't work out for me in stand-up comedy, then I might be back.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- Yes.- Asking for a job.- E-mail me. - I will. No phone calls.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11THEY LAUGH
0:28:14 > 0:28:17'The last three days has just been amazing. It is an amazing job.'
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Look at that. It's just great, isn't it? What a way to finish.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26It has been fun, fascinating, informative,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29it has been a massive privilege to get this close to animals
0:28:29 > 0:28:32I never thought I would get close to at all.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36I feel like I know a lot more about the conservation angle,
0:28:36 > 0:28:40and for these guys here, the zoo keepers here at least,
0:28:40 > 0:28:42that is a huge factor in what motivates them.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47Peter and the rest of the zoo keepers here have done a fairly good job of convincing me
0:28:47 > 0:28:51zoos are a really important part of the conservation jigsaw.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Part of a bigger picture that contributes to ensuring that
0:28:54 > 0:28:57some of the most endangered animals on this planet
0:28:57 > 0:28:59will survive for generations to come.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd