0:00:04 > 0:00:06'I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08'People tell me I've got the toughest job in town,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11'but I'm sure I'll find other things far more difficult.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15'I'm ditching my job and trying something completely different.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19'This is my work experience. And this week, I'm a drag artist.'
0:00:19 > 0:00:21CHEERING
0:00:26 > 0:00:31'In a few days' time, I'll be tucking my Clifford in my knickers and becoming support act
0:00:31 > 0:00:36'to world-famous female impersonator Ceri Dupree. I was bricking it.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38'Closest I've come to impersonating a woman
0:00:38 > 0:00:41'is holding me girlfriend's handbag while she makes a call.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44'I head to Femesque, a male to female makeover company.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47'They could make the Gruffalo look like Audrey Hepburn.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49'They stick on some rubber gloves, bend me over
0:00:49 > 0:00:52'and find my inner woman.'
0:00:53 > 0:00:58I have absolutely no idea what to expect from this. Quite nervous.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02'Lynne and her team have been helping men look like women for over 15 years.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05'And in a few hours, I'd be part of their portfolio.'
0:01:05 > 0:01:08I'm here because I've got to be a female impersonator
0:01:08 > 0:01:10and I didn't know where to start
0:01:10 > 0:01:14and I thought, I'll go somewhere where they can make me into a woman,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17maybe try out different...aspects of my character,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19try and bring out the woman in me.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- Yeah.- Does that sound like it makes sense?- Definitely.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26We're going to be doing the whole male to female transformation.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Just to be clear, today, I'm not having a sex change?- No.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31We need to take you through a transformation,
0:01:31 > 0:01:35which is to remove body hair, sort your eyebrows out,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39get you into underwear and breast forms, padded pants,
0:01:39 > 0:01:44to get that nice hourglass look that every girl wishes for.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- And we need a female name. - Rachel, Rhod?
0:01:46 > 0:01:51- Why Rachel?- You know, you just look like a Rachel, you know.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Rhona. It's got to be Rhona.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- That's Welsh, innit?- Does it matter whether it's Welsh or not?
0:01:57 > 0:02:02I'm dressed as a bloody woman, I don't give a shit whether I've got a Welsh name!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Well, you could be more attractive as a woman than a guy.- Huh?!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I'll look like somebody's attacked Davina McCall with a hammer.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16I'm pretty apprehensive. Probably more out of my comfort zone than I've ever been on this series.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I just don't know what to do. Being a drag artist, dressing as a woman.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I'm concerned about the flamboyant performance aspect.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I'm concerned that I'm going to make a dick of myself.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Albeit a dick that's tucked neatly between my legs.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33So if you can just remove all your clothes
0:02:33 > 0:02:37down to your undergarments and pop yourself on the bed.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44This is the first part of the...transformation process.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48'I looked like Chewbacca. Lynne and her partner in pain, Clare,
0:02:48 > 0:02:52'would shave, wax, pluck and polish me until I looked more like C3PO.'
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I'm just removing some of the long hair because it makes it more comfortable to be waxed.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00How far up are you going?! Just stop when you get to my anus, yeah?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- I most definitely will. - It's too late to go back, isn't it?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Yes. No going back.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07The waxing will be about four weeks
0:03:07 > 0:03:11before it comes back to the surface of your skin.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- Oh! You twat! - LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Calm down. Come on.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Argh!
0:03:21 > 0:03:22It hurt!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Ow!- Hold on tight.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Aye! Ah! Argh!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Oh, you...bell end!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Argh! You...! - You need to man up, Rhod.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39It's really not the aim of today, is it?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42That's disgusting, that leg. It's horrible!
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Hairy gorilla. This one's slender, smooth, sleek.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- You can't say it doesn't look like a sausage.- It's like an athlete's leg.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52'12 black bin bags of body hair later,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55'and a team tending a two-storey hair bonfire in the backyard,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58'I still look like Bungle.'
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Ow! Ow!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Ow! Ow! Ow!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05My eyebrows look absolutely ridiculous.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I just look constantly surprised.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I'm starting to shape up into Sylvester Stallone's mother.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Can I have sideburns?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19'My skin was already scorched,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22'but it was out of the frying pan and into the fire.'
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I'm going to really come into your personal space now.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Because I'm going to dress you. OK?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Right. So, first of all, a bra. So...
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Right, OK. So let's try this one. It's a 36.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41I think it'll be right across the size at the back.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44You can kind of try and help me. Look like you're interested.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Breast forms. Just feel that.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- So that's...- It's very odd feeling your own breasts.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- SHE LAUGHS - Especially on the inside.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58That sticks to you...if you wanted.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- I could take my bra off and still have breasts?- They'd stay there.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- I have to see that.- OK.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- I have to see myself with tits. - Right.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Where are those breasts? - Here they are.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Come on. Tit me up, Scotty.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14'Michelle strategically positioned my adjustable nipples.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17'Being a girl was a right faff. If I was a real woman,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20'I'd get permanent breasts with built-in nipples.'
0:05:20 > 0:05:22And then that bit of your skin...
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- Oh, you weren't joking about the personal space.- I told you!
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Would this be the size breasts that a drag artist would have?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Some are much bigger. It depends how comedic you want to look. So, um...
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- I don't know what I want yet. I'm not...- Yeah.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I'm not really in that mindset yet.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I know I'm standing here rubbing my nipples, but I'm not there yet.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Right, shall we get some knickers on now?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- I think that's the next stage. - The next step.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51If you put them on...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53What do I do with my...lunch?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Um, you kind of tuck them up the back.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Sort of tuck them in the best you can.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Are those knickers too big, or are they OK?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Not sort of bulging out? It won't...?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05OK. Right. If you come over here.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08'Michelle was an expert in genital origami.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11'She folded my man fanny like a demented pastry chef.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15'I couldn't get at it if I tried. It was like Fort Knobs down there.'
0:06:15 > 0:06:19We've probably taken an inch, two inches off your waist.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Pull those pants up just over there a wee bit. Yeah, just like that.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24SHE CHUCKLES
0:06:24 > 0:06:26THEY LAUGH
0:06:27 > 0:06:30That's much sexier. That makes a big difference.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- No, no, no! I don't mean...! - It really does.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Once you get the moustache coming out, that really does lift it! - I hadn't noticed that.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41'Michelle thought I needed a bum transplant. Temporary booty Botox.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45'She was the only person since Burke and Hare to have a drawer full of spare arses.'
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It's definitely improved my arse.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49See, you've got a bit of a bum now.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53God, it's like a...black peach!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Look how impressive it is! It's just awesome!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58You could run the world from that. Look at it!
0:06:58 > 0:07:03I would wear that. I'd wear it onstage. Just at a normal gig.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07'My new rented bottom was an all-conquering bum colossus.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10'I was Gluteus Maximus, father to a murdered lunchbox.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13'And as they womanified me, I started changing.'
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Have a look in the mirror.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Feminine shape.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21So, I mean, it's not you, is it?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25It's not your body, looking in the mirror? I mean, shape-wise.
0:07:25 > 0:07:31Look at that. What's that? What's that doing there?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35What's that leg doing? What the hell is that doing?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38What's nice for us is that you're naturally going with the flow.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I'm doing more than going with the bloody flow.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Look at me! I'm like Larry Grayson!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45This is the weirdest thing ever.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- You've gone through quite a bit already to get to this stage. - I suppose so.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52The actual last bit, I think, with the makeup and the hair,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54and then your final clothes...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I'm not sure if I want to go through the door.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01We can tell by the way you look that you will look stunning as a woman.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05However, we do not know exactly how you're going to come out.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12'There was no going back. But I wasn't sure I wanted to be a woman at all.'
0:08:12 > 0:08:14This bit of being a woman is pretty bad.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18I haven't dealt with the rest of it. I haven't walked past a building site.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Oh, God, yeah.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I haven't failed to get on the board of a...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25FTSE-100 company because of my gender.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28'The team thought I looked like the girl next door. I agreed,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31'provided you live next door to an unlicensed morgue.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34'Time to work on my voice. I normally sound as feminine as a drill bit,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36'so we tried some role-play.'
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- You're just a guy, it's your local and I'm new in town. OK?- OK.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- I've just walked in, you've seen me. - If you just close your eyes.- Yeah.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Would you say that, would you? It's too soon for that. Buy me a drink first.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48THEY LAUGH
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- AS A MAN:- Can I get you a drink, then?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You don't look like you want to buy me a drink.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- So, er... - THEY LAUGH
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- OK.- Right. You come in again.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Hi. Would you like a drink?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01It's too aggressive.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03What drink would you like, love?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05THEY LAUGH
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- You sexist pig!- I wouldn't mind if someone called me love.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- It's the feminist in me.- I don't want to offend you.- I was about to throw myself under a horse.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16So, er...how are you? Can I get you a drink?
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- AS A FEMALE:- Are you offering to buy me...? Oh, I can't talk like that!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- Oh, er... - THEY LAUGH
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- I'd like, um... - SHE LAUGHS
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Don't laugh in my face! I'm trying to get the voice right!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I'd like a gin and tonic, please.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Oh. Gin and tonic for the lady.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33THEY LAUGH
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And I'll have a...Guinness.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37THEY LAUGH
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- Just carry it on now and we'll just talk like this for a little bit.- OK.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Can I just get you...? I don't need to talk like a man now. OK.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Can I just get you to close your eyes, please?- Mm-hm.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51'The transformation was almost complete.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54'I didn't fancy myself, but I found the experience erotic.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57'I made a mental note to stop off in Ann Summers for Men.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00'There was definitely a woman inside me struggling to get out.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04'But when she finally emerged, the struggle had clearly taken its toll.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06'I looked like a horse with an admin job.'
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- AS A FEMALE:- I, um...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13That's the hair and makeup. That's the...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- AS HIMSELF: - That's the hair and makeup done.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- AS A FEMALE:- That's the hair and makeup done, and, um...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I think it's time now to, um...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28put me in some outfits and see what flies.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33UPBEAT MUSIC
0:10:43 > 0:10:44I'm really trying.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48I am really bloody throwing everything at this.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52'I was feeling that some repressed aspect of my being had awoken.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57'But to complete my journey, the team had one last task for me, and I wasn't ready for it.'
0:11:00 > 0:11:03So, what's this pub like?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Family pub.- Family pub?- Yeah.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08'As a drag artist, I'd have to perform in front of the public.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12'The Femesque team knew I'd never be able to do that
0:11:12 > 0:11:15if I couldn't accompany them to their local pub.'
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Is it busy? I don't...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I'm not comfortable about this at all.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- It's fine.- Have a look how many people are in there.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30God! Oh, this is just awful!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34(This is the worst thing I've ever done in my whole life.)
0:11:34 > 0:11:39(Absolutely the worst thing I've ever done in my frigging life.)
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Pub's fairly busy. There's a few stares, a few laughs.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47And I feel about as uncomfortable as I've ever felt in my life.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49'This was too far too soon for me.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53'But if I couldn't handle this, how could I perform in drag? I had to stick it out.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56'Turning me into the admin horse had given us an appetite.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59'I ordered the sausage for old time's sake.'
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- AS A FEMALE:- A white wine. - A white wine? Small? Large?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Large, please.- Is Pinot OK?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- (BLEEP!)..enormous, in fact. - LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:14This morning...I was somebody who had to become a female impersonator
0:12:14 > 0:12:15in a couple of days' time.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19I'd never really dressed as a woman or done anything like this.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23This has gone someway to push me out of my bloody comfort zone.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27You've done as good as you could with the raw materials, so thank you very much.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28- Cheers!- Cheers, one and all.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Who's coming clubbing?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Let's hit the dancefloor!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I'm going to get me a bloody Aldershot fella.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36I want to be pregnant by dawn.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38'Walking in that pub as one of the girls
0:12:38 > 0:12:42'was one of the weirdest moments of my life, and I've had it off with a Portakabin.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45'Next day, I threw my breasts and nipples in a skip,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47'pressed the eject button on my John Thomas
0:12:47 > 0:12:51'and headed to Milford Haven to watch Ceri Dupree in action.'
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Face it, peasants, one day, this will be on a stamp.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:12:58 > 0:13:00You'll be licking me, sir. LAUGHTER
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Haw-haw-haw!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07This is going to be terrifying.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12It's really intimidating. In the dressing up and in the character.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I'm so nervous about completely failing, mucking it up,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18being dreadful at it, when I kind of should be good at it
0:13:18 > 0:13:20because it's almost what I do.
0:13:20 > 0:13:26Yesterday's experience of being made into a woman toughened my nipples.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I am not ready for this.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Ceri would be my mentor, but the thought of supporting him made me feel ill.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37I can't sing, I can't dance and I can't do impressions.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41I felt as out of place as Geoffrey from Rainbow at a meeting of Taliban elders.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47# Darling, it's so nice to have you back where you belong. #
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I can't do that. There is not one fibre of my being
0:13:50 > 0:13:52that wants to do that or feels capable of doing that.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I don't even know what aspects of my personality
0:13:55 > 0:13:59I'm going to have to dredge up to try and do that.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Hello.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- Hello. Come in.- Hello.- Hello.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Nice to meet you. This is James.- Hi.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- That was my first experience of seeing a drag artist.- OK.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24Of all the things I've done in this work experience, this should be the closest to what I do
0:14:24 > 0:14:27but it feels by a million miles the furthest from what I do.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31You think this is the worst one you've ever had to do? Really?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33By a million miles.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I had no idea how I was going to do what Ceri did,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38but at least I knew my raw sausage meat look was right.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40You don't have to wax at all.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43You've put yourself through unnecessary pain.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Look at my hands, my knuckles, my arms. Look at my eyebrows. Plucked.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51You don't have to pluck your eyebrows. I cover mine over and paint ones on top.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54It's all done with make-up and costumes and lighting
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and clever fabrics.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- Everything was a complete waste of time?- Absolute waste of time. - I'll show you the pictures.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- You look like David Bowie there. - I do look a bit like David Bowie.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08They're better than I thought they were going to be, but you couldn't do an act dressed like this.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11No, I look like somebody from Office Angels.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15You need to approach this from a theatrical point of view, as a performance, a piece of theatre.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17So what character do you want to do?
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- I don't know. I can't do her can I? - You have to pick somebody to do.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26- You see him in Cher. That sort of thing.- Where is your, erm, man Cher?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Just sort of...- Has it gone up the back? Is that a trade secret?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- It is, definitely. - But I'm going to have to do it.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Where am I going to put it? - You're not doing Cher, are you?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38The obvious one, being Welsh, would be Bassey.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Dame Shirley Bassey. - Do her. You know, Welsh.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Shirley. Exaggerated. It's the obvious one.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48You say that but I don't know anything about Bassey.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I can vaguely hear her voice in my head. I've met her.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55But I can't do mannerisms. I'm not an actor. I'm not an imitator.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00You'll have to sit next to me and do as I do and hope for the best.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03We've only got one day.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07'Next day, I met Ceri at a costume shop in Cardiff to dame up
0:16:07 > 0:16:11'because as the song goes, There's Nothing Like A Dame. And I was nothing like one.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16'I could tuck my tiger prawn into my knickers but it wouldn't make me the girl from Tiger Bay.'
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Shall we crack on?- OK.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21'Diamonds might be forever but my dress was going to be rented.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23'Ceri took the lead.'
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I'm finding it very difficult to imagine myself in any of them.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39It's all right. It's OK. The shoes are a bit Mini Mouse.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Try something else on. Next one.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- It's not great. Turn around. - Not great?- No.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49It needs to be more... And gold shoes.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- You'd never wear gold shoes with red.- Wouldn't you?- No, you would not.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55This feels a lot more comfortable than the gold.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59It's not about comfort. It's about, you know, suffering for your art.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- It's wrong.- It's wrong?- Yes.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- I've lost the socks. - Then the transformation is complete!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- It's awful.- Is it worse than the red?- Yes.- Look how waxed those are.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- Look.- No thanks.- Don't you want to feel them? Feel how smooth they are.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- I really don't want to. - See what I went through for you? Look at my toes.- I hate feet.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Even my toes have been waxed for you!- Go and get changed.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24You're wasting time. Shirley Bassey would never wear anything like that. It's wrong.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I haven't got a clear image of what Shirley Bassey would wear.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Well, she wouldn't wear that. It's all wrong.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- That's the best one so far, but not with that boa.- The best one so far?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Lose the boa. It'd too white.- This is what I've got to put up with!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- It's the wrong white!- Turn around.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- You need help. The wrong white! - You need help! Hello!- You need help!
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- I'm not the one wearing a dress! - There's nothing wrong with me.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Dress finally chosen,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55it was back to Ceri's headquarters to complete the transformation.
0:17:55 > 0:18:01- Right, OK, so have a seat. - This is your church.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06- It's my office.- And these are all you?- These are all me in shows I've done over the years.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08How did you get into this?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11When I was a kid, I was always interested
0:18:11 > 0:18:14in the flamboyant side of the entertainment business.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19You can hide behind this persona, wear these outrageous costumes,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23become these outrageous people, or women in my case.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25It is an art form when it's done well.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I've seen it done badly too many times.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Have you got room for one more? - That wasn't a dig.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33If you see a bad singer, it's just a bad singer.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36If you see a bad comic or a bad ventriloquist...
0:18:36 > 0:18:41But when you see a bad drag act or a female impersonator, it's... Urgh!
0:18:41 > 0:18:45It's probably going to be dreadful, embarrassing, never going to live it down.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49It's probably going to be an insult to drag artists all over the world.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52But I've got to do it. I'm going to do it.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55But if I was going to do it, I still needed to accessorise.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58My boa was completely the wrong shade of white.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Luckily, Ceri knew exactly what he wanted around my neck.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- That's amazing! What's that made of?- Cock feathers.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- There are all different kinds of feather.- Does it have to be cock feathers?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13No. Those are ostrich feathers. I'm trying to think.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Cock's the best is it?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19These are... I'm not walking into your gags!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Come on!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24We were proper pimping my Bassey.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27All we needed now was a wig that said showbiz.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29From a distance, you know.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I look like a plumber who's knocked on somebody's door
0:19:32 > 0:19:36half an hour earlier than they were expecting them and I've run downstairs.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41- God, I wasn't expecting you until nine!- Do that then. She does that. She does that, you know.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45AS SHIRLEY BASSEY: Thank you. Can you say, "Thank you, sweethearts."
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Thank you... No!
0:19:49 > 0:19:54- AS SHIRLEY BASSEY: Thank you. AS SHIRLEY BASSEY:- Thank you.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- That was like Prince Charles! - I think I might have to think about Prince Charles.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- AS PRINCE CHARLES: - Thank you, sweethearts.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- You know, it's like... Thank you. - Thank you.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- AS SHIRLEY BASSEY: Thank you, sweethearts. AS SHIRLEY BASSEY: - Thank you, sweethearts.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- So there's a bit of James Mason in there.- And don't call me Shirl.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Don't call me Shirley.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Yes.- That's gone North Wales now. - Yes, it has.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I've gone North Wales so we'll have to bring it back down.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Hello, everyone.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31- I love you.- I love you.- I love you all.- I love You all even more.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Prince Charles?- Yes.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Mmmm.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- What the- BLEEP- was that?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42My North Walian James Mason was miles off
0:20:42 > 0:20:45but I was determined to nail Dame Shirley Bassey.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49I look like somebody who used to have a successful ice cream van business in the 70s,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51but who's now lost the plot.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53For crying out loud!
0:20:53 > 0:20:58- AS SHIRLEY BASSEY:- Oh God, I've dropped my bloody earrings.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You just need to get your mannerisms right.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I'm going to mirror what you do.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11At the moment, I've just got no idea what I'm doing.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17I look like Russell Brand two years after it's all gone wrong for him.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- It's coming together. You'll be fine. - It's not coming together.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23It's not coming together costume wise. But performance wise?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Your words. You haven't even learnt the words yet.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- I can see you were a man of distinction.- Yeah? - A real big spender.- Yeah?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42# Hey, big Spender! #
0:21:57 > 0:22:03- What do you want me to say? It needs work.- It does need work.- It does.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07It's definitely not perfected.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Today, I've been focusing on one little thing.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16One little step at a time. But when I think about the whole thing...
0:22:20 > 0:22:25I can not express to you how badly I think it's going to go.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27So without further ado,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I'm going to go home and prepare for that humiliation.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35For my debut, I'd be part of Ceri's show in Rhydyfelin in the Welsh valleys,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39where men are men, women are men, children are men, babies are men,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42and I had detachable nipples and a power arse.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I stuck out like a panda in the Playboy Mansion.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49I've been learning my lyrics and Dame Shirley Bassey mannerisms last night.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52But I have to say, I am not remotely reassured.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I'm just imagining a baying mob and a complete nightmare.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02While Ceri's team transform the valleys into Vegas, I perfected my Bassey.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I'm starting to get the lyrics, I'm starting to get the rhythm of the song,
0:23:07 > 0:23:12but the big problem is trying to impersonate Dame Shirley Bassey.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Morning.- Hello. Are you all right?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- This is the engine room. - Have you learnt all your words?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I think I've pretty much got the words in my head.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Once you get the gear on, it will be better.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30But I'm still hoping from last night, it has improved a bit.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38You should have started by now.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40# The minute you walked in the joint
0:23:40 > 0:23:43# I could see you were a man of distinction
0:23:43 > 0:23:45# A real big spender
0:23:45 > 0:23:47# Good looking
0:23:47 > 0:23:49# So refined... #
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It wasn't that good.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00As soon as I try and do Shirley Bassey, I go...
0:24:00 > 0:24:04It's an insult to Shirley Bassey.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07And it's an insult to women in general.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11'I felt like a contestant on Britain's Got Issues.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15'Kerry's face was a picture that told 1,000 words and the last word was definitely off.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17'Luckily, he came up with a plan B.'
0:24:17 > 0:24:23That place you went to the other day, and they made you up to look like somebody who worked in an office.
0:24:23 > 0:24:29- Rachel.- Rachel, that was it. Couldn't you sort of exaggerate...
0:24:29 > 0:24:32My stand-up isn't a character. It's just an aspect of my personality.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35That Rachel thing is an aspect of my personality.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I genuinely would find that easier. 'This was it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41'I had to summon up Rachel, the admin horse.'
0:24:43 > 0:24:48I summon thee, Rachel. Oh, admin horse, thou art inside me, show yourself now.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Show yourself now, oh, admin horse. Show yourself.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Oh, hello.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57# Hey, big spender!
0:24:58 > 0:25:02# Hey, big spender!
0:25:02 > 0:25:03# Spend
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# A little time
0:25:06 > 0:25:08# With
0:25:09 > 0:25:12# Me! #
0:25:12 > 0:25:13That's a high one.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Just think of Rachel from accounts,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18at the office party, very drunk. She's got up,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21she's doing her karaoke, Big Spender.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24That's what I'm going to try for, Rachel from accounts,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26office party, she's got a bit drunk.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Just, if I take it too far, and you find me outside the back,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31with somebody up against the skip, stop me!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Rachel would do that, wouldn't she?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Now that I can just let it happen naturally,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I feel a little bit more comfortable.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44But everything's relative.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I'm not in a happy place right now.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50But we were out of time. The doors were opening.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54I just have to stick some vodka in Rachel's nose bag, and pray.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58If I was going to do this as Rachel, I needed her creators.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Lynn and Michelle kindly raced down with a car full of arses,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03stick on tits and plaster of Paris.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06And they arrived just in time to recreate the admin horse.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08On stage, Ceri wowed his audience.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Backstage, the girls went at my mange hair with a staple gun.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14They had to drag Rachel out of the accounts department
0:26:14 > 0:26:17and into the spotlight.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21'Mr Rhod Gilbert.'
0:26:21 > 0:26:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:35 > 0:26:37AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:26:39 > 0:26:42WILD CHEERING
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- EFFEMINATE AND HUSKY VOICE: - Ladies and gentlemen, it's my first time.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49So please be gentle with me.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52MUSIC STARTS
0:26:54 > 0:26:58# The minute you walked in the joint
0:26:58 > 0:27:02# I could tell see you were a man of distinction
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# A real big spender
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# Good looking, so refined
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# Wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# So let me get right to the point
0:27:14 > 0:27:18# I don't pop my cork for every guy I see
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# Hey, big spender
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# Hey, big spender
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# Hey, big spender
0:27:31 > 0:27:35# Spend a little time with me. #
0:27:43 > 0:27:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:49'Rachel had done it. Together, we'd survived.'
0:27:55 > 0:27:57'Thank God it's over!
0:27:57 > 0:28:02'I have absolutely no interest in ever doing that again.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07'I've never felt so out of my comfort zone, uncomfortable, scared, nervous...
0:28:07 > 0:28:10'It was brief and painful, it's gone.
0:28:10 > 0:28:15'That was a fleeting aspect of my life that was as temporary as those nails.'
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And it's gone.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21I never want to do it again, as long as I live.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26And Rachel, bless her... Rachel got me through that.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd