0:00:04 > 0:00:06I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08People tell me I've got the toughest job in town,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11but I'm sure I will find other things far more difficult,
0:00:11 > 0:00:15so I'm ditching my regular job and trying something completely different.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17This is my Work Experience.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22And this week, I'm a police officer.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I couldn't wait to join the fuzz, confronting criminals,
0:00:27 > 0:00:31potential violence, abuse from the public -
0:00:31 > 0:00:33it was all right up my street.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37After a few days on the beat, I'd be part of a frontline police team
0:00:37 > 0:00:41at a major sporting event in Cardiff, so I had to be ready for anything.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Unfortunately, the closest I have come to policing a big event
0:00:43 > 0:00:47is keeping an eye on my sister's kids while she made a sponge.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I needed to learn how to use a dog, a horse, a Taser
0:00:50 > 0:00:52and a truncheon, all while balancing an upturned tit on my head.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55So I rocked up at the police training centre near Bridgend.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Morning.- Welcome to the police dog training school.- Thank you.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- Got a bit of a fun-packed morning for you this morning.- Good.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- You ready for that?- Yeah, well up for it. You know me.- Let's go.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08I sort of think as a nation, we need a police force,
0:01:08 > 0:01:12but I don't really think it should be made up of people like me.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16I was the only person in our sixth form that wasn't made a prefect -
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I wasn't seen as suitable material.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Never thought I would be wearing this stuff.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I am really not policeman material.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29It is easier to police a crowd when you have a piranha on a string.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33So Ian took me to meet the attack dogs.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Think 101 Dalmatians on Stella.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38General-purpose police dog, tend to get very territorial
0:01:38 > 0:01:39when they are in the kennels.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42It's like Battersea Dogs Home for nutters.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- He looks like one powerful... - He's got a very, very hard bite.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Very hard.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Ian suggested I let his hairy piranha attack me.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I couldn't wait to get savaged.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59'I begged him to let me do it naked, but he insisted I wear a bite suit.'
0:01:59 > 0:02:01What kind of dogs are these?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- German Shepherd, Belgian Shepherd and Dutch Herder.- Do I get a choice?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- No, you'll have what you're given, I'm afraid. - I'm not a big fan of angry ones.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- I know you can train them... - They're safe dogs.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15You can't get 100% with dogs, they're animals, they can't be 100% predictable.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18The trousers are a bit short as well!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19It looks like my mum has taken them up.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Hopefully they won't bite you on the ankles.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24'This was it.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27'A post-watershed One Man and His Dog.'
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- That four-legged one, there, that's him.- That's Finn, yeah.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Finn, he looks a right dick. - Belgian Shepherd.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39'Finn won the toss and chose to play the dog.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42'I lost and played the frisbee, AKA a troublemaker.'
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- Hey, four legs! I'll have you, pal! - That's the sort of thing.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Hey, Scooby Doo! Come on! You're nothing without Shaggy.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Come on, Scooby!- Put something into it.- Come on, Scrappy!
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I'm only joking! Oh, Christ on a bike!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Aagh! Christ!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- How was that?- That was genuinely... - Ready?- Genuinely terrifying.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Sit up, then.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Horrific damage, that would have done.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Got your breath back? Off you go.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Bloody terrifying!- Stop! Stop, now!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Run!- Hold him!
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Oh, no!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Aagh!
0:03:21 > 0:03:26Get off! Get off me! Get off me! Stop it! Get off!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- That's the bruising off him.- And that's with the protective suit on.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31He's gone through that.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Finn, man, you've got to sort your temper out!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Can I meet him now, nicely?- He should be fine.- Are you sure?- Yeah.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I've got half a suit on, remember. Finn! Finn, what are you doing?
0:03:41 > 0:03:46- Finn! Finn, oi!- Probably best to take the bite suit off, isn't it?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Because now he's seen you running about, so he knows what...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Yeah, I'm going to take this off.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Finn was to flesh what steam was to wallpaper, so I moved on to another dog.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58This one was even bigger. Steph told me it was actually a horse.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03'This afternoon, Reuben and I would be South Wales's answer to the Lone Ranger and Silver.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05'But for some reason, we just didn't click.'
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- OK.- I still can't do the clicky noise. Can you do it as well?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- SHE MAKES A CLICKING SOUND - What is it with horse people?
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Left leg up.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16- HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS - Can't he bend down like a camel?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Aagh! Aagh!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- HORSE SNORTS - Oh, one plum down!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Come on, Reuben! Come on!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Click, click, click! - That's it, well done.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Click, click, click!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- Come on, come on! - Come on, kick him.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I'm kicking him, I'm kicking the shit out of him!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Come on, kick him harder. - Come on! That's my boy.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Oh, literally plum crumble!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Don't bite that horse.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Come on, Reuben, don't get distracted.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51My horse is biting other horses. Reuben, what are you doing?!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Don't bite that horse. No biting, come on.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57See? Nice when you all get along, isn't it?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I left my shattered plums on ice and went to chill out with the PSU team.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04If the shit on the streets really hits the fan, these guys go in
0:05:04 > 0:05:06like heavy-duty toilet paper.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- So, this is stab proof, is it? - Er, yes.- Bullet-proof?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- No, it's bullet resistant. - That's unbelievable.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Waterproof means you can go out and it will repel water, whatever.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Water resistant means in a shower, you'll be all right.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23So, a light spraying of bullets, you'll be all right?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27A light shocking, yes, but I think a machine gun, possibly not, no.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30'The forecast was bullet drizzle, so I kitted up.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33'A postman might always ring twice, these guys were not quite as patient.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36'I've never forced an entry before. I opened the door
0:05:36 > 0:05:40'of my mother's Advent calendar once, but this was hardcore.'
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Breach!
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Ohh!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49OK, we've come into the VDP suite,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51which is the violent, deranged person.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53A violent, deranged person?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Yeah, violent, deranged through either drink or drugs,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57or mental health issues.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59The VDP will be Matt, one of our trainers.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03He looks quite charming and happy, looks nice enough!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07You'd be surprised what can be used as a weapon against you.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12Samurai swords, knives, needles, sadly, have been used.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16We could be going into a place and they could have a Samurai sword and they're lashing at you?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20I know some of the troops have got experiences where that has actually happened to them.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24'The closest I've come to disarming a violent, deranged person
0:06:24 > 0:06:27'is confiscating my nephew's water pistol. But someone had been in Matt's locker
0:06:27 > 0:06:31'and worn his Spiderman pants again, and he had flipped. So we went in.'
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Put the weapon down! Do as they say! Put the weapon down, now!
0:06:35 > 0:06:40SHOUTING AND CRASHING
0:06:48 > 0:06:52OK, listen to me, drop the weapon! Good lad.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00Drop him down to the floor. OK, put them on. Handcuffs on.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07You are one VDP, Matt. My God!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I genuinely wasn't expecting you to properly go for it for real like that.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13That's the whole point, isn't it?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Headbutts, you were throwing headbutts as well, mate!
0:07:15 > 0:07:19What was that about? You properly lost it, didn't you?
0:07:21 > 0:07:26I've been mauled by a police attack dog, given an unruly horse
0:07:26 > 0:07:29and then been beaten to bits with a sawn-off pickaxe handle.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34It's been scary enough doing them today in a training environment.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38What that's going to be like for real, I already know that this isn't for me.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Like a hamster gaffer-taped to a cheese board,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I couldn't walk away now.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49With months of training crammed into a few bonecrushing hours, it was time for me to become a cop.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I hobbled down to Cardiff Bay Police Station
0:07:52 > 0:07:55and was only slightly late for a dawn briefing on a drugs raid.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Some checks have been made on the address.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01It has the classic signs of being a cannabis factory.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03As soon as the doors are open, I will go in first.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Be aware of any booby-traps or anything untoward.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08You said booby-traps...
0:08:08 > 0:08:12There have been issues where door handles have been wired up to
0:08:12 > 0:08:16the mains electricity, and also where there have been trip wires
0:08:16 > 0:08:18and when they are triggered, a sharpened object will fly down
0:08:18 > 0:08:23the stairs, or come out of somewhere where it has been spring-loaded.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I am a little bit apprehensive about this drugs raid.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29All this talk of flak jackets and booby-traps
0:08:29 > 0:08:32and organised crime, it's bound to get you a little bit nervous.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35It's all a bit Indiana Jones.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38But fingers crossed, there won't be any giant spiders
0:08:38 > 0:08:40or massive balls chasing us down the corridor.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44'To stop me running away, I was handcuffed to PC Simon Walker.'
0:08:44 > 0:08:48First job of the day, cannabis factory.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Warrant. Misuse of Drugs Act.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- You keep hold of that.- What's this? - That's the warrant.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57That gives us the power to actually get in the house, kick the door in.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- So if anybody stops us, I say, whoa, look, I've got a warrant?- Exactly.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Don't lose it. Otherwise we'll get sued.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- How many of these have you done, Simon?- Lots.- Nervous first time?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- Must have been an adrenaline rush. - Yeah.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16- But you enjoy it?- Yeah. It's a bit of excitement, isn't it?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Kidding you on?- Not any more.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20THEY CHUCKLE
0:09:20 > 0:09:24This type of thing might have given Simon a crotch Cornetto,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27but as we arrived, I was way too nervous to be excited.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Police! Stay where you are!
0:09:46 > 0:09:47BLEEP!
0:09:50 > 0:09:51I've got the warrant.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You're under arrest, OK? Concerned in the production of cannabis.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defence
0:09:57 > 0:10:00if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02'Whoever was inside either used a hell of a lot of parsley,
0:10:02 > 0:10:07'or they were the Alan Titchmarsh of the drugs world.'
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Definitely not for your own use, that.- No.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Or if it is, no wonder he didn't hear us knocking.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Right, here we go. - Whoa, look at that!
0:10:15 > 0:10:16- It's the green, green grass of home. - Go in if you want.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20It's a serious operation - the whole room is sealed off.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- It's a massive amount of work goes into this, Simon.- Yes.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26What are these huge vents for, then?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29They are the extractors, to get rid of the smell.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31'If I was an estate agent, I would describe this house as having
0:10:31 > 0:10:34'plenty of green space with bijou living quarters.'
0:10:34 > 0:10:36This is all in the kitchen of the house.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40A massive TV in the unit and a Sky box or whatever it is.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Then there's a dartboard! - Yeah, there's always time for darts.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- He had a bull's-eye there, look. - 25.- 25, yeah, technically.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53It's funny, when you look round, you get a picture of somebody's life.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54A little lace loofah.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Wouldn't necessarily associate that with organised crime.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Got some weedkiller down there.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Why would you have weedkiller if you're growing weed?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's hard to imagine when you would use this seat.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12All right? What you up to?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were having a shit.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I find it fascinating that this entire house has been
0:11:19 > 0:11:23converted solely for the production of cannabis.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28And yet, one guy living in the back still recycles.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Still got a sense of civic duty. It's interesting.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37"I must remember to take the recycling out on Tuesday."
0:11:37 > 0:11:39So, this is a room that's been harvested.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- So, this is all just waste after the buds have gone?- Yeah.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Some on your nose.- What, there's a bit of cannabis on my nose?
0:11:49 > 0:11:56- Is there?- Yes. Gone.- Has it gone? - Yes.- I've got cannabis on my nose!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I don't think it's for me, a police officer, do you?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02'I had to try to keep my nose clean,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05'because it was time to nip this factory in the bud.'
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Simon's wearing a mask, so I guess I should put mine on as well.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11This is to stop the, er,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14stop the evil effects of marijuana affecting me.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17'We had hundreds of plants to bag for destruction,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20'but I'm not sure our masks were 100% effective in protecting us
0:12:20 > 0:12:22'from the cannabis spores.'
0:12:22 > 0:12:24# Johnny's in the basement, mixing up the medicine
0:12:24 > 0:12:27# I'm on the pavement, thinking about the government
0:12:27 > 0:12:29# Look out, kids, no matter what you did
0:12:29 > 0:12:32# Don't know when, but you're doing it again. #
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- HE INHALES DEEPLY - Whoo!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Look at this. An alternative Father Christmas. Ho-ho-ho!
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- Ho-hey!- Ho-hey! Oi, oi!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46It does seem a shame that someone has gone to all this trouble,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50time, money, care, they've invested all this time
0:12:50 > 0:12:52and effort and care in this, and we're just ripping it all out.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57It does seem a shame. Even just from a gardening perspective, you know?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Just purely from a horticultural perspective.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04This is the search warrant for the premises,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07which I'm leaving in here for the landlord.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Arguably, a bit late.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16After we blew 70 quid on pick and mix,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Simon dropped me off at a speed enforcement exercise.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21This afternoon was what I had been dreading, giving the public stick
0:13:21 > 0:13:24as a pseudo-officer of the law.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It's a straight road and it can be a quick road.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29We've had numerous complaints from people living in the area
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and concerns from the headteacher at the local school.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35We will warn the drivers of their speed if they're doing in excess of 40 mph.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40- Over 50?- We will fine them and they will receive points.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43'I was posted with the force's own Dirty Harry - Stinking Jeff.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45'But business was slow.'
0:13:45 > 0:13:47We haven't even got a single car on the street yet.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48It's like waiting for a bus.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51You wait half an hour and then three come together.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53As long as they're speeding, I don't mind.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- The bike's doing 16 mph. - 16, is it? Good work.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02How fast these seagulls going, then? Lock on. Come on, Maverick!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I just wanted to see how fast this romantic couple was walking, hand-in-hand.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- What's this jogger doing, Jeff? - I'm not going to lock on.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Not without moving the tripod, it's all balanced now.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14'Stinking Jeff had arrested three seagulls and a cat
0:14:14 > 0:14:18'when Jenson Button's grandparents flew by in a 40 mph blur.'
0:14:18 > 0:14:1940.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Oh, I feel bad now, do you feel guilty?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26My partner says to me, you wouldn't book me, would you? I don't know what vehicle it is.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Would you book your partner if she...
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- If she's exceeding the speed, yes. - Bloody hell, Jeff!- Shouldn't speed.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36You are... Look at you! It's like looking into the eyes of Pol Pot.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39'Stinking Jeff had had enough, so Whiffy Pants Gilbert took over
0:14:39 > 0:14:43'and immediately bagged himself a taxi on a death wish.'
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- 43.- 43.- 43!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49You were doing 43 in a 30. Slow down.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54- 53, 53.- Finger off. - They're both doing it.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58If we see you again in the area today, and you do get stopped
0:14:58 > 0:15:01going over the speed limit, you will be reported for that, OK?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Fine. 29. Do you want to have a word, or...?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09'Minutes later, the confrontation I'd been dreading.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12'Piss Stench Gilbert was about to become the strong arm of the law.'
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I'm panicking now.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I've started panicking all of a sudden about talking to these guys.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Just doing a speed reduction exercise in the area today.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Can I just take a few details? Is that OK? Can I take your name?
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- Leyton Bowen.- And what's your address?- Carmarthen.- Carmarthen?!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30HE LAUGHS
0:15:30 > 0:15:32It's you! It's you, man!
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- It IS you! I know you! Christ! - THEY LAUGH
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- I haven't seen you for...!- Would you believe that?- I haven't seen you.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42We used to play football and that. I can't believe it!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- We go to let him go. Is it? - Yeah, we'll give him a warning.- Yeah!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47We'll just warn you today, man! It's fine!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Hey, take it easy, man! Do you still live in Carmarthen? Do you?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52All right. I'll see you down there!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01How embarrassing is that?! Pulled over one person and I know them.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04'I was pleased I'd avoided confrontation.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07'But if I was going to police a big match day, I needed to be able
0:16:07 > 0:16:11'to deal with strangers, so Simon took me on patrol.'
0:16:11 > 0:16:14We're going to watch Grangetown and Butetown,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18and if anything comes up outside there, and we can assist,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20we'll assist with that.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25- Fruit Pastille?- No thanks, Rhod. - Black one, mind.- Go on, then.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Put that back in the old utility belt! What have you got in yours?
0:16:29 > 0:16:35- Handcuffs?- CS gas.- CS gas. And a torch.- A baton.- And a baton.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40I've got a crunchy, Fruit Pastilles and a Duo Mars Bar.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Do you know two coppers who'll enjoy a Mars Bar later on?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I know one! THEY LAUGH
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Right, look at this guy now. This is ridiculous.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Put a little pressure on him. - Put a bit of pressure on.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55He's got L plates on, but he's trying to do a three-point turn.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Just fire a few shots into the air!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59'Simon was easing
0:16:59 > 0:17:02'E-Coli pants Gilbert into a visible public role ahead of the big day.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05'I had to learn what to look for and what to ignore.'
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Shoe abandoned. Does that happen a lot?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- We'll treat it as not suspicious until otherwise told.- Would you?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12You're not looking hard enough, Si.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15We could seal the place off and then discover
0:17:15 > 0:17:17it's just a pair of abandoned shoes.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20'Like Kofi Annan in a high-vis, I had to keep the peace.'
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- He swore at him and he swore at him. - Who swore to who now?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24- No-one.- Who's been swearing?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26It wasn't us! It was that other one!
0:17:26 > 0:17:31Why don't we, I've got an idea, why don't we all sing, We Are The World?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- You know that?- Yeah, We Are The World.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34# We are the world
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- # We are the children. # - Oh, Michael Jackson!- Come on, man!
0:17:37 > 0:17:41# We are the ones who make a brighter day! #
0:17:41 > 0:17:45I've got to wait another six months for my watch to be correct again.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48All the changing of the hours. I can't work it out.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49- Happens every year. - You can't work out
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- how to put your watch an hour forward or back?- Yeah.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Do you want me to drive or...?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59'Tooled up like Robocop at a tuck-shop,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03'I had my first bout of serious public interaction.'
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Hey, what about the parking outside here?!
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Slightly nervous about confrontation about this situation.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12He comes down here and puts tickets on the first three cars
0:18:12 > 0:18:15and he don't come past here. We've got to pay to park here,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- but we can't park here. What kind of deal is that?- Hey, here's a plan.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21If the police are never coming down and the council never come,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- don't bother getting a permit, just park out there. Huh?- But then...
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I think I did OK there, Simon, what do you think?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- You were awesome, Rhod.- No need to be sarcastic, I was all right. - Oh, you were awesome!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- You know when we stopped back there for that situation.- Yeah?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I just get apprehensive. I don't like confrontation.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I get apprehensive that something is going to escalate.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42What's the most nerve-wracking situation you've been in?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Issues with knives, people in houses with knives.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47People threaten to harm themselves with a knife,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49you have to go in and disarm them.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51And then when you get involved, they want to harm you.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- So that's not very nice.- If that happens tonight, you're on your own!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I'm just telling you that now! Just so we're clear.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I can't be any clearer than that. You're on your own, pal!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Literally out of there like a shot, I am!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06'Dog foul trousers Gilbert was fast learning that this job
0:19:06 > 0:19:08'was about dealing with the unexpected.'
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Simon and I have just stumbled upon an accident.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Somebody was waiting to turn right, bike comes around the outside,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15they've turned right, bang, into the side.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Bike's gone into a Fiat. Bike rider's come off worse.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22He's all right. Shaken up. This is yours, is it? It is.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Did that shake you up? - It did.- Yeah, yeah.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Well, at the end of the day, nobody's hurt, that is
0:19:27 > 0:19:30all that matters, really with these things, isn't it? You know.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32'My confidence was building.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36'I realised I had an infallible nose for crime detection,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38'a built in crimivibe.'
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Well dodgy, this one. Well dodgy. Definitely something going on.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42You can ignore it if you want.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- No, I think they're all right. - Do you?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- We'll wait for the call. - We'll see what happens.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51We'll wait for the call. Dodgy. Definitely dodgy.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- The man at the doorstep? - The man at the doorstep.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Too much paperwork, Si, isn't it?!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Easier just to drive around, put your head in the sand.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00What did we think was happening?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Well, I don't know, it's just a vibe. I don't get a full report.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06'Just then, my crimivibe went off again.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08'But PC Walker wanted none of it.'
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Hello. Here's a vibe, boys.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I've got the vibe, if you're interested.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14One little message coming through on the old vibe-o-phone.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- What does it say?- It said, look at those people down an alley.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18They're up to no good.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I've definitely, well, it's up to you, I've definitely got the vibe.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25PC Walker has chosen to ignore me at 6:50.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Definitely, 100%, up to no good back there.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- What were they doing, Rhod?- They were down an alley, up against a wall.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Too close to a wall, how often do you stand in normal life,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38this close to a wall, facing it?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Unless you're fascinated by brickwork.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44I think they were walking down the alley and they were facing us.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48If they are 16-year-old quantity surveyors, right, then, you win.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- I'll have a Crunchie. Do you want a bit of Crunchie?- Nah.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- It's very quiet.- Very quiet.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Well, it is quiet if you ignore everything!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02We could drive past a ruddy riot, and you go, it's quiet.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04'PC Ostrich ignored my crimivibe time and again
0:21:04 > 0:21:07'until finally his went off.'
0:21:07 > 0:21:09There's a car pulled over there,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and the back of the car was all black bags.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Was it? Are you going to have a look?- Yeah.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Oh, he's got a few black bags in the back of his car.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24- Well, you know, he could be conveying cannabis.- You've got some...
0:21:24 > 0:21:27WEIRD ideas, you get. He's probably just going to the tip.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Could be going to the charity shop to take his old clothes
0:21:30 > 0:21:33and things in there. What are you going to say?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Why have you got some black bags in the back of your car?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39SIREN BLARES
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- What are you going to say to him? - What's in your bags?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- What's in your bags?!- With a bit of luck it is absolutely fine.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48If it is fine, I'm going to arrest you for wasting police time!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Is it just, is it a waste, is it? - Yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Oh, right, no worries, that's fine.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- OK.- Thanks a lot.- Thanks for your time.- Sorry about that.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- It's all right.- Conscientious.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Instead of fly tipping, he's taking them to the tip.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05He deserves a medal!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07'The truth was, I had learned loads from Simon's gentle,
0:22:07 > 0:22:11'firm-but-fair policing. With my match day challenge looming,
0:22:11 > 0:22:15'watching him in action had made me a lot more confident.'
0:22:18 > 0:22:20'This was it. My final day in uniform.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23'A major rugby event at the Millennium Stadium,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25'and I'd be part of a team policing 200,000 fans
0:22:25 > 0:22:28'packed into an area the size of a disabled toilet.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31'I had to be ready for anything, so I packed my utility belt with
0:22:31 > 0:22:34'Haribos and switched on my crimivibe for pick-pockets,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38'hooligans, serial killers and imitation pasties.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41'At Cardiff Central Station, I met my new partner in un-crime,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43'Sgt Karen McNeil.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46'She gave us the low-down.'
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Good morning, everybody, welcome to the briefing for our
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Wales and Italy rugby international match.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Our aim today is obviously to look after the city's reputation.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01So we're out there, we're making our community feel welcome.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Will, if you take Echo Yankee 12 and PC Gilbert,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06you'll be Echo Bravo 12.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Team of two with myself. - What does that mean?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11That's your call sign, so on the air,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13if they require you to attend a call,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- they call you by that call sign. - It's like the Sweeney.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- So me and you are like Cagney and Lacey.- Yes.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19We're a team of two today.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Cagney and Lacey, Starsky and Hutch, the Sweeney,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- and other things like that. - Yeah.- Awesome.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Do we have to get in through the window or can you open
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- the door of the car? - We'll use doors.- Right.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33'Criminals posing as rugby fans were arriving in droves in busses,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35'and with kick-off just a few hours away,
0:23:35 > 0:23:39'I was worried for all sorts of reasons.'
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I know I'm going to look a dick, but I'm going to put aviators on.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I have to, because once we get to the town centre,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48it's going to impede my policing ability if people recognise me.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I can't just go, hey, you, are you allowed to sell those hotdogs?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53And he goes I saw you on Live At The Apollo last night.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56'I knew the fans were just hardened criminals who hadn't done
0:23:56 > 0:23:58'anything wrong yet. So we had to be on our guard.'
0:23:58 > 0:24:03Now then, do I call you policewoman or police person or policeman?
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Well, police officer I am.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08As opposed to policewoman or police man, although
0:24:08 > 0:24:10children do tend to call me lady policeman. Are you
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- a lady police man?- Definitely not. Under any circumstances,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- ladyboy policeman!- Definitely not a ladyboy policeman! No!
0:24:17 > 0:24:22'Sgt Ladyboy Policeman and I started our patrol,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24'but straight away, the cracks started appearing.'
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Now, surely we can arrest that. I think it's a crack den!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31'I soon felt my crimivibe twitching.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35'Thankfully, it was just Reuben, the plum-crushing wonder horse.'
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Old stubborn Reuben! You crazy horse bastard!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- Have you hit anybody with your stick yet?- No, not yet!
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Ah, well, plenty of time! I've got a little form here. Read that.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47South Wales Police, form F126,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49complaint against a member of the police service.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53I put in a complaint against you for smashing my plums up!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56'As the crowd built, my crimivibe went bonkers.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00'A vicious gang of thugs was intimidating pedestrians.'
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I doubt they've got a performance licence, to be honest,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05so it's about time we put a stop to this!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08All right, boys? Have you got a performance licence?!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I'll leave you finish this song, boys!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12THEY SING
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Enjoy it, boys, it's your last few notes! That's enough of that!
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- You take a photo.- I don't want a photo! I don't want a photo!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- I am here to arrest people! - I don't want to put a hat on!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26I want to arrest people! I want to cause a ruckus!
0:25:26 > 0:25:31I don't want to, mate! Clear this area, please! No licence, no play!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- On you go! - CROWD JEERS
0:25:35 > 0:25:37'Sergeant Ladyboy Policewoman Man
0:25:37 > 0:25:40'and I set off in search of illegal traders.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42'But my credibility was starting to crumble.'
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Oh, I'm just getting recognised. I am supposed to be a policeman, man!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Yes, I do, I'm looking at you, and am thinking, I know him!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Well, I'm looking at you, thinking I know you!
0:25:50 > 0:25:54I'm supposed to be an authority figure. I've got no credibility.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- We came to see you in The Grand, buddy!- Did you?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Yeah. We thought you were shit! - Oh, thank you very much!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02'The stadium is filling up, but nobody was taking me seriously.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05'My crimivibe was being criminally underused.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07'I had to do something drastic.'
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Got to do something. I just can't get any policing done,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14because I just get recognised all the time.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Is it going to work?- I think that will have everybody fooled.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- Completely.- It's Rhod Gilbert! - Brilliant! That's really worked!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- Have a look.- They're shouting at me from five yards!- I know.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Hi, Rhod!- It's not Rhod! I'm not Rhod!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I'm a policeman with a moustache! What can I do for you, young man?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Can I get a photo, please?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Why would you want a photo with a regular policeman?
0:26:33 > 0:26:37- Because you're Rhod Gilbert. - I'm not Rhod Gilbert!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I'm a policeman with a moustache!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43'Lady Sergeant Police Girl Woman Boy and I got the fans
0:26:43 > 0:26:47'safely into the stadium and the streets were suddenly eerily quiet.'
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- All right, boys, anything happening?- No. Quiet.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- Basically, the pubs are all full of people watching the match.- They are.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57There's nothing happening, we could be in the pub now
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- watching the match. - But anything could happen.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05'And boy, was Ladyboy Woman Police Dog Horse Person Sergeant right.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10'My crimivibe went off the scale! A whole volcano of shit erupted.'
0:27:10 > 0:27:14'Things turned very, very ugly.'
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- There's been a theft from the Oxfam shop.- Has there?!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Somebody has gone in, picked up a scarf and walked out with it. So.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Go on, Rod!- Why would you?! Shush!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29It's quite hard to catch people today with scarves,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32seeing as there are about 74,000 people with Welsh scarves on.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- Can you describe him?- He had quite a short haircut. Similar.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Oh, don't try and pin this on me!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- Adidas logo on his chest in blue. - Right. Grey top, blue writing.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- What colour was the scarf he nicked? - It was black and white.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Oh, black, never! Blue and black! You don't!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51And what would the value of the scarf be?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53It would only be about five pounds, but it was just...
0:27:53 > 0:27:56If we arrange for you to come in and perhaps have a look at some
0:27:56 > 0:28:00- photographs, you would be happy to do that?- Definitely.- OK.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Wouldn't do that for a £5 scarf, which you? We would. Would you?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- Absolutely.- You'd get him in to look through some mugshots?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- Absolutely.- For a £5 scarf?! - Absolutely! Yeah.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11'As thousands poured out of the stadium,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14'Sgt Hermaphrodite Fishcake and I had stopped the madness in Oxfam
0:28:14 > 0:28:16'spilling out onto the streets in the nick of time.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20'To my relief, the day went off almost without incident.'
0:28:20 > 0:28:23So is that it, for incidents for today? One £5 scarf?
0:28:23 > 0:28:27- Lady's scarf, pinched by drunk bloke.- It's not bad, is it?
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Not bad for the city centre.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34I'll tell you, the crime stats will be looking pretty good.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36'My time as a cop had come to an end,
0:28:36 > 0:28:40'and despite my awesome crimivibe I just wasn't police officer material,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43'but I had surprised myself and enjoyed the friendly neighbourhood
0:28:43 > 0:28:46'side to policing and met fantastic officers whose kindly presence
0:28:46 > 0:28:50'on the street let the public get on with their lives in confidence.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51'But I'm a coward.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54'Putting myself in danger doesn't come naturally to me
0:28:54 > 0:28:57'and I take my moustache off to those who do it day after day.'
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd