0:00:02 > 0:00:06I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian. People say I've got the toughest job,
0:00:06 > 0:00:09but I'm sure I'd find other things more difficult. I'm ditching my regular job,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11and trying something completely different.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13This is my Work Experience.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17And this week, I'm a Scout Leader.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21'I couldn't wait to get stuck in.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24'Singing Ging Gang Goolie in a pair of little grey shorts
0:00:24 > 0:00:27'and getting badges for being nice to a cat is how I like to party.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30'So, I woggled down to a Scout troop in Swansea to meet
0:00:30 > 0:00:32'some of the Leaders.'
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- I'm Carol.- Rhod Gilbert.- OK. But my Cub name is Ricky.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Or Beaver name, Scout name, is Ricky.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Your Cub name or Scout name or Beaver name is Ricky.- Yeah.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44But my real name's Carol. You can call me Carol.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- Right.- And you're Rhod. - I'm Rhod. You can call me Rhod.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- That's my name for all occasions. - OK. Come in, then.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Pack, Pack, Pack!- CHILDREN:- Pack!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Akela. We do our best.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Cubs, do your best. - We will do our best.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06'I was in Scouts so long ago, crisps were two of your five a day.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08'I don't remember any of this stuff.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12'As the evening progressed, the activities got more and more bizarre.'
0:01:12 > 0:01:17We have been invited to do the Harlem shake.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20'I felt as out of place as Kim Jong-un in TK Maxx.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21'And I wasn't the only one.'
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- What's the Harlem shake? - I don't know.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- I don't know.- You all got really excited about it.- I didn't.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30You didn't? Put it there.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31'It was all pretty alien to me.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34'And when the pack leader Akela put these things on her head,
0:01:34 > 0:01:35'it didn't really help.'
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Right, can I have the...
0:01:37 > 0:01:39You're going to roll your money
0:01:39 > 0:01:43and see how much lands on the red paper.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46And, whoever's got the most money is the winning six. OK?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Do you understand that, Rhod? - I'm pretty clear.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Is there a six which doesn't have six in it?
0:01:52 > 0:01:56'As the evening's activities drew to a close,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58'my head was spinning like an owl in a microwave.'
0:01:58 > 0:02:01No-one goes out that door until they see their parent.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Does that include me?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06My mother's 81. I doubt if she's coming.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09'While I waited for my parents, Carol Ricky Carol introduced me
0:02:09 > 0:02:12'to leader Gareth Gareth, who urinated all over my French fries.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16I'm going to get you prepared for what's coming up this weekend
0:02:16 > 0:02:18and, on the weekend...
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Don't make it sound... It sounds like Blair Witch.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24We're going to get you to Scout camp for the weekend,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26which you're going to go and camp out with the Scouts.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Brilliant.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32'Come the weekend, these woods near Swansea would be teeming
0:02:32 > 0:02:36'with 200 Beavers, Cubs and Scouts and I'd be one of those responsible.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39But the closest I've come to taking 200 kids camping is
0:02:39 > 0:02:41'walking past Millets with my nephew.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45'Sensing that I knew less about the outdoors than a pair of claustrophobic slippers,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48'Gareth agreed to Bear my Grylls ahead of the weekend,
0:02:48 > 0:02:49'with some intensive training.'
0:02:49 > 0:02:51If you listen carefully, you can hear...
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I think that's the Beavers, the six to eight-year-olds, getting...
0:02:55 > 0:02:56CHAINSAW WHIRS
0:02:56 > 0:02:59..getting their Chainsaw badge, by the sound of things.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01And, you can see, everywhere,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04the evidence that the Scouts have been here.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I was hoping for Portaloos, but...
0:03:08 > 0:03:11'Gareth had made a terrible error of judgement and mistaken me
0:03:11 > 0:03:13'for a responsible adult.'
0:03:13 > 0:03:17At the camp, you are going to lead a group of scouts into the forest
0:03:17 > 0:03:19and navigate them round.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20RHOD LAUGHS
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- So I'm getting you prepared. - And back out, presumably.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- That's the idea.- Back out and then round to get them home safe.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29So you need to know how to navigate around some forest.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31So what I've set out is a mini trail here.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34'I once got lost for two days in a shower cubicle,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37'so Gareth set about polishing my navigational turd.'
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I have zero spatial awareness.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Honestly, if you spun me round in my own kitchen
0:03:42 > 0:03:45and took your hands away, I probably couldn't find my way out.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46We should just look around.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48'I looked round.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50'It all looked the same to me, and giving me a map
0:03:50 > 0:03:53'and compass was like giving a horse an Etch A Sketch.'
0:03:53 > 0:03:56So what we are going to do now is, using the map and compass,
0:03:56 > 0:03:57get to our next few points.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00First of all, I'll show you how to set a map to North.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I'm pretty hopeless with maps, Gareth.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- What I can tell you is, not map, map.- OK.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- That's my starting point.- Great.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10PLANE RUMBLES
0:04:11 > 0:04:14A few Beavers doing their Top Gun badge, there.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16GARETH LAUGHS
0:04:17 > 0:04:20So, you're going to get to the next step on your own, using the map.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Don't let the map move from North.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I'm going to try and find a little... Oh, God. Hang on a minute.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I'm going to try that way. See you in a minute.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- You'll be fine. - Bear Grylls I am not.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Aaargh!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39This isn't marked on the map!
0:04:39 > 0:04:40THEY LAUGH
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I kept the security tag on so I could take these wellies back.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Chicken tikka masala down there.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51That's not on the map.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55There's a symbol for a tree somewhere around here. That figures.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57You see, North is going crazy.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I think it's my zip or something.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03'The gravitational pull of my zip was causing real problems
0:05:03 > 0:05:07'and, in no time at all, I was lost.'
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Totally lost the plot on this completely.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11If I'm going to lead a group of anything, I'm going
0:05:11 > 0:05:14to have to get more savvy with this.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I would say I'm ten minutes away
0:05:16 > 0:05:18from using the whistle I didn't bring.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Aaargh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Shitting hell.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Oh, I just put my back out.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29'Like a gingerbread man who ends up being sold in a petrol station,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32'I just wasn't cut out for this.'
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, right.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Mayday. Mayday. How can it be Mayday?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41How can anybody get lost three yards from a fence?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44'I was to a map what Brian Blessed was to a library,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46'so Gareth moved me on to campfire skills.'
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- You're having a laugh, aren't you?- Here you go.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- I'm really bad at DIY, so stop me just before my leg comes off.- OK.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Give it a good smack. With the grain in the middle there.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Split it into two.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Watch your leg, OK?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Oh, my God! This is sharp as...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I'm worried about hitting my leg.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I can hear it over and over again just going
0:06:10 > 0:06:13"Cccck!" into the bone and then, in my imagination,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15for some reason, I start going "ccck, ccck,"
0:06:15 > 0:06:17to try and prise my bone open and
0:06:17 > 0:06:20"ccck," have a look at the marrow.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22'My naughty zip was misbehaving again,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25'this time leading me down the darkest corners of my mind.'
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Do you know what I've got now?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I just imagined that going between my teeth
0:06:29 > 0:06:31and hacking up into my gums.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32My imagination is odd.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Take these down a bit more. - Oh, God! I had a horrible...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I almost chopped your head off then.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Don't do that again. You bent down in front of me
0:06:40 > 0:06:43and, honestly, 40% of my brain was going, "Hack it off!
0:06:43 > 0:06:44"Hack his head off!"
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I shouldn't be allowed near... How did I pass the CRB check?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51'I'd earned my Don't Hack Gareth's Head Off With An Axe badge,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53'but I knew that we were playing with fire
0:06:53 > 0:06:55'when we started playing with fire.'
0:06:55 > 0:06:57OK, if you notice, before you do it...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Just try that way.- Here we go. Whoa!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02That's probably enough, isn't it?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04We need a little bit more to cook something.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I think that's enough. We should bring the kids in.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10How are we going to feed them all with this much?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Gather round, everybody.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15'Worried about my destructive streak and my evil zip, Gareth built
0:07:15 > 0:07:20'the world's smallest bonfire to teach me survival cooking.'
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Bear Grylls, he can keep his witchetty grubs
0:07:24 > 0:07:28and hollowed out kangaroo face,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30whatever it is he eats.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Chocolate bananas. That's what the Scouts are on. Happy days!
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Just pop these into the banana.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Basically, if you are stranded in a fairly well-stocked supermarket,
0:07:37 > 0:07:42you too can survive by making chocolate bananas.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46'Training complete, my big Scout Leader weekend arrived
0:07:46 > 0:07:49'but I still felt about as ready to look after 200 kids
0:07:49 > 0:07:53'as a Sunderland fan who's just been Tasered outside a Wetherspoons.'
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I'm arriving at the wilderness survival camp weekend.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Although, as you can probably hear,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01we're about 100 yards from junction 47 of the M4.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Be Prepared" is their motto.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07My motto is, "Be prepared for this to go totally tits up
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"because you haven't prepared."
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I am prepared to set fire to a few Cub Scouts,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15to lose a few Beavers on a map reading exercise.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I don't even want to think about that axe.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22'30 seconds in and I was already flailing.'
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- OK, shall we go, guys? - I don't know what to do.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yes, that's right, in you go.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35In you go and camp. Jamboree!
0:08:35 > 0:08:39'As the happy campers swarmed in, I felt utterly useless.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41'But, after half an hour of intense standing round,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44'Gareth dropped me right in the deep end.'
0:08:44 > 0:08:46We have a tent for you to help supervise.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48It's going down in that direction to go up.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That's about my level of responsibility.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52A tent that I can help supervise.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I'm not even putting it up, I'm not even supervising,
0:08:55 > 0:08:56I'm helping supervise.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59If I'm watching somebody else watch somebody else put a tent up.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01They may struggle, so you may have to help.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Right, got the gist? Can you count the other two?
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Helping supervise.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Come on, Hi-de-Hi.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- Just be prepared for it to collapse. - OK.- Yeah?
0:09:12 > 0:09:13That's your motto, isn't it?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Be Prepared.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Oh, brings it all flooding back, this.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Happy memories, camping.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Glastonbury, 1996. Remember that?
0:09:22 > 0:09:27- Remember that?- Ummm... no.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Gorseinon, we have a problem. That's gone in there.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Should be round there.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Let's just go, "Who cares?"
0:09:33 > 0:09:35There's not enough of that in the world.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- No.- Who cares? I don't care. Do you care?- No.- Scouts don't care.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40That's our motto. What's our motto?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Scouts don't care.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Boom. Concise. Keep it concise. Scouts don't care.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48It's actually Scouts Be Prepared. Be prepared.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50It's a really long-winded sentence, isn't it?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53So "Scouts don't care" is our new motto, yeah?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- Scouts...- Don't care.- Nice.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I'll soon convert this entire camp
0:09:57 > 0:10:00to the "Rhod Gilbert, couldn't give a toss" school.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Scouts don't care. Right.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10HE DOES EVIL LAUGH
0:10:10 > 0:10:11BELL RINGS
0:10:11 > 0:10:13'It was only the opening ceremony
0:10:13 > 0:10:16'and I already knew I was going to struggle to be a responsible leader.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18'But like a rabbit who's been hit at 90 miles an hour by
0:10:18 > 0:10:21'a Renault Espace, I couldn't walk away now.'
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- All of you together! Are you here today?- Yeah!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Carol is group Scout Leader of the 44 Sketty,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29she's going to welcome in our new Leader, Rhod Gilbert.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32So, welcome him, big round of applause.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33APPLAUSE
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Thank you.
0:10:34 > 0:10:40Right, now, before Rhod can join in with us, he hasn't been invested yet.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42So...
0:10:42 > 0:10:43RHOD GASPS
0:10:43 > 0:10:49Rhod is now going to be invested in the 44th Scout group.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Am I?- Yes.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53First of all, stand properly.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Like, you know, nice.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57OK.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I'm going to put your 44th necker on.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04And now, you're going to say a promise, OK?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09That's right, yeah. That's good.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- On my honour...- On my honour...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- ..I promise...- ..I promise...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- ..that I will do my best... - ..that I will do my best...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- ..do my duty... - ..do my duty...
0:11:19 > 0:11:20..to God and the Queen...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I tried to throw a baked potato at her
0:11:22 > 0:11:24in the Royal Variety Performance.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Well, you're not doing that now. - Right. To God and to the Queen.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- ..to help other people... - ..to help other people...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- ..at all times....- ..at all times...
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- ..and to keep the Scout Law. - ..and to keep the Scout Law.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Right, let's shake hands on that now.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38'I was technically a Scout Leader
0:11:38 > 0:11:41'but the ceremony had felt more like an exorcism.'
0:11:42 > 0:11:47- CHILDREN:- B-R-A-V-O.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Bravo!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50'I was worried my head would revolve 360
0:11:50 > 0:11:52'and spew green stuff into Carol's face.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54'But, luckily, I'd taken precautions.'
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- WHISPERING:- I had my fingers crossed.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59'The camp came alive.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01'If God and the Queen did turn up, there was
0:12:01 > 0:12:03'loads to do and the other Leaders got straight in to
0:12:03 > 0:12:06'passing on skills through the fun activities.'
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I'm about to get given my group for the day.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13I sort of look the part. I'm just not very Scouty.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I'm the opposite of a Scout. I'm the antithesis of a Scout.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17I am the anti-Scout.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20'I set off round the camp with my group.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23'As a Scout Leader, I'd promised to help other people at all times.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26'But to Gilbert the anti-Scout, it didn't come naturally.'
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Ooooh! Come on. You've got one more to get it in that yellow one.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30- Can you do it?- Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34I bet you three quid you don't get it in the yellow one.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Three smackeroonies.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Come on! You're putting me off. - Get on with it!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- You're putting me off!- I'm not putting you off, I'm trying to help.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45RHOD COUGHS
0:12:45 > 0:12:46BOY LAUGHS
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Aaargh!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- I'm not paying you the three pound. - Yes, you are.- No!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Give me the three pound. You owe me the three pound.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56'The anti-Scout had done his first good deed.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58'Morgan had learned a harsh lesson about gambling.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01'But then I met a young man who needed no help whatsoever.'
0:13:01 > 0:13:03All right, Ben? 'Ben, the Ice Scout.'
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- How are you feeling? - Umm... confident.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Confident? Do you want to do a fewer trust building exercises
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- before we go?- Nah.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15What you mean, "Nah"?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18'Ben was so cool, he could frost your eyebrows at 30 paces.'
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Let's get on with it, shall we? No fuss.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Don't even like any small talk, no? Just...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Don't want to waste your time or anything, Ben.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31'He was as cool as Steve McQueen and as surefooted as a mountain goat.'
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Go on, Ben! You show that wall.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36'Unfortunately, I didn't share Ben's confidence,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39'and decided to check the other Leaders' credentials.'
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- Do you know what you're doing? What is your job?- I'm a music teacher.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Brilliant.- CHILDREN:- Good luck!
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Thank you.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50'Amazingly, the music teacher guided me to the top,
0:13:50 > 0:13:54'where I tried to rattle Ben, the Steve McQueen goat.'
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Ben, what are you doing?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- These people are all volunteers, you realise that? - All fully qualified.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Ben, they're like teachers, binmen. What do you do?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Printer.- He's a printer.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09You've just been strapped in by a printer, Ben.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- What's your confidence like now? - Feet back, rope towards me.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- Ben, I don't think you're listening. - Keep going.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Most of the time, they're working in shops and stuff like that.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Keep going.- They probably work in Dixons. Teachers, shopkeepers.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23I'm not listening.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26He's a printer, the guy who's just letting you down.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Probably a wimp. - What you mean, "Don't be a wimp?"
0:14:28 > 0:14:31The person at the bottom's a music teacher!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33'Ben the Ice Scout laughed in the face of danger.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35'Then laughed again as I got my Ging Gang Goolies
0:14:35 > 0:14:37'trapped in a harness badge.'
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Ben, I'm very.... Aaargh, my plums!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41BEN LAUGHS
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Oh! I was doing fine until a horrific injury at the bottom.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Ben, in about 14 years, I'll explain to you what just happened.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51'All around the camp, the other Leaders shared their skills,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54'commanding quiet respect from the kids in an atmosphere that
0:14:54 > 0:14:56'was fun but not chaotic.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58'But Gilbert the anti-Scout was struggling.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01'I had no skills to share and the little sods knew it.'
0:15:01 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING
0:15:06 > 0:15:07I am your leader!
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Scouts don't care!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:17'I was commanding no respect and, apart from a new motto,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19'I'd contributed nothing all day.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22'Well, almost nothing.'
0:15:22 > 0:15:23RHOD DOES EVIL LAUGH
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Rhod, were you telling ghost stories to Brett and Harvey?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I wasn't telling ghost stories to Brett and Harvey.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Yeah, but you were like, that this place used to be haunted.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34No, it is haunted now.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36How come it's haunted?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38You don't know the story with the boy with the box?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41He choked on a chocolate banana on this very spot.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45And now, everywhere he goes, he carries a little box.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Do you know what's in that box?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Chocolate banana?- No. Don't be so stupid.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Why would he carry a box full of chocolate bananas?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53He choked on one.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Maybe it's full of the other people's souls
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- that choked on chocolate bananas. - There's the banana.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01You think he carries a box full of other people's souls who've
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- choked on chocolate bananas?- Yeah.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08'As darkness fell and the Scouts' bedtime loomed, I hoped
0:16:08 > 0:16:11'fear of my chocolate banana ghost would finally earn me some respect.'
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Come on then, Scouts. Let's get you all into beddy-byes.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I'm not staying out here, cos of the ghost.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20'But, frustratingly, I'd taught the Scouts too well.'
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Guys, the ghost is usually out at about midnight, half past midnight.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28That's what you said. Scouts don't care.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30The problem is, I'm trying to instil fear in them
0:16:30 > 0:16:33with a ghost story, but I've taught them to be too blase all day.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- They're just going, "Scouts don't care!"- That's right.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40I'm a victim of my own motto.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42'If I was going to make the Scouts care and salvage any
0:16:42 > 0:16:46'credibility, I had to convince them my dessert-based phantom was real.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48'And, soon, a chilling aroma of chocolate
0:16:48 > 0:16:50'and banana wafted through the camp.'
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Go away!
0:16:57 > 0:17:01'The chocolate banana ghost of old Swansea town
0:17:01 > 0:17:03'buggered off as requested.'
0:17:04 > 0:17:07'But, at dawn next morning, I regretted my actions,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10'as the anti-Scout was out anti-Scouted by the Scouts.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13'Five hours before I planned to get up, their kitchen utensil band
0:17:13 > 0:17:18'woke me up with a budget version of the musical Stomp.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20'I hadn't heard this much noise
0:17:20 > 0:17:22'since my dad tried to make his own breakfast.'
0:17:22 > 0:17:24PANS CLANG
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I'm calling the police. 999.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I'm literally calling the police.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Aaargh!
0:17:45 > 0:17:49'I was tempted to go for my Ram A Frying Pan Up A Scout badge,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51'but before I could get my revenge, we were off.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54'The day had started with a badge ceremony
0:17:54 > 0:17:55'marking an important milestone.'
0:17:55 > 0:17:58All these Cubs over here, this is their first night away.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:05First night away from home.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- I only cried twice.- Can I have it?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Can you have it? No, you cannot. You've got yours!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Did anyone happen to smell the chocolate
0:18:12 > 0:18:14and banana around their tent?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I knew it! I knew it!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19It's the chocolate banana ghost!
0:18:19 > 0:18:20It wasn't me.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23'Mystery solved, it was on with the day.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26'Gareth still didn't seem to have noticed that I couldn't organise
0:18:26 > 0:18:28'a bum-off in a baboon house,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30'and had set up a big navigational challenge.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32'I'd go head-to-head with Richard,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34'a super-Scout born with a neckerchief round his neck.'
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Come on, now, guys. Guys. Come on.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Right, so you're going to go out with a group of Scouts each.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44The ground is quite slippery, there's a few steep edges, cliffs.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47You need to keep the Scouts safe.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Count the numbers before you go, count them
0:18:49 > 0:18:53while you're walking round. No losing any of them. Please.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56'Gareth divvied up the Scouts and gave us
0:18:56 > 0:18:58'clues to our first locations.'
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Where have they gone? Oh, God, have they started already?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Right, come on, everyone!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Go to grid reference...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Where are we now?- We're here.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I know we're here!
0:19:08 > 0:19:09'St Richard, Scout of Swansea,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11'and his super Scouts raced off to their first clue,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14'while Gilbert and the runt Scouts hadn't moved off the starting grid.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Put your finger there. - This line here!- It's not! Get your finger there!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- So, heading to location three now. - 'This was head-to-head combat.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22'Order, versus chaos.'
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Just run!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I'm not sure "just run" is the best advice.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30'With woggle-face marching towards victory, God and the Queen would
0:19:30 > 0:19:34'have to turn a blind eye, because there was only one thing for it.'
0:19:34 > 0:19:37This is the plan. Are you listening? We have to play this dirty.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41If we see any of their clues, destroy them.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43There'll be something hidden in the undergrowth.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46That's all we've been told. It won't be too far away from this position.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Can anybody see anything orange?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Just look for something orange.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Come on, focus!
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Oh!
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Guys!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Not only have we got orange, we've only gone and got green as well!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Grab it, then!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Right. 'Suddenly, the anti-Scout God intervened.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09'We stumbled on one of their clues.'
0:20:11 > 0:20:13RHOD DOES EVIL LAUGH
0:20:13 > 0:20:16No. Quick. They're looking. They've got spies everywhere.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18'The dud scouts were back in the game.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20'We'd found old Scouty-pants Achilles' heel.'
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Quick, chuck it into the river!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24'We could lob his clues in the river.'
0:20:24 > 0:20:26We haven't got it! We haven't got it!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Look, we haven't got it!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Right, that was good work there, team.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Did some good cheating there.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I don't know if we're in the lead, but we're cheating well as a team.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39It's the only chance we've got of beating those swotty uber Scouts.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41This is a train track. It's clear.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- One at a time.- I like trains!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I know. But not so much you want to get hit by one.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51- Right. Was there any of our group down there under that train?- Yeah.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Who?- They just got smashed though.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55How many are we in our group?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Five.- Five? One, two, three, four, five.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00This is probably the wrong time to do a head count.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I should have done the head count before we started, shouldn't I?
0:21:02 > 0:21:06'Like Miss Marple tanked up on Strongbow,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08'we were hiding and destroying clues left, right and centre.'
0:21:08 > 0:21:11If we stick it in here, they can't get it.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- THEY LAUGH - Make sure they can't see it.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16'We were intoxicated with cheating and it was starting to backfire.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19'Our nemesis, Luke Scout-walker, was hot on our heels.'
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Put that back in there.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24We're falling apart at the seams, team! Come here. Listen to me.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27New rule for our team. Maximum of three minutes cheating per clue.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Right? Otherwise, we're spending longer cheating
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- than we're going to slow them down.- OK.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Right, can you see what I'm saying?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37'With the Scoutinator right behind us, we scarpered into the woods.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40'We thought we'd got away with it, but Scouticus was onto us.'
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Crushed.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Oh, no. Cheats.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50'And, running blindly into the woods had sent us completely off course.'
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I think what we've done here is really stupid, but I don't know.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58I'm too stupid to know if what we've done is just really stupid or not.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59'If he'd seen as now,
0:21:59 > 0:22:03'Bear Grylls would have been turning in his five-star hotel bed.'
0:22:03 > 0:22:08We have totally messed this up, by the way. I'm out of my depth, guys.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- How many hours have we been out? Has anybody got a watch?- Yeah.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14What time are we supposed be back?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I don't know. I don't know what time we left. Do you?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22'I knew less about wilderness survival than
0:22:22 > 0:22:25'Paris Hilton's Chihuahua.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27'But, a bad Scout Leader always blames his Scouts.'
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Where were you when you were taught these things?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Have you got your Map Reading badge? Have you?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- No.- Have you? - We haven't got much badges.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38You haven't got much badges?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- From Scouts.- From Scouts. Where have you got them from? Blue Peter?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42- Come on.- Yeah, we have.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45'What was supposed to be a few fun-filled minutes had
0:22:45 > 0:22:49'turned into a three-hour nightmare.'
0:22:49 > 0:22:51It's an absolute disaster.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Where is that place on this map?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55We don't even know that!
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Why weren't you listening in Cubs?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58'Tired, cold and hungry,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00'the "Scouts don't care" nonsense was just a distant memory.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03'My Scouts did care about going home.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Does anyone see a fence, or where a fence used to be?
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Oi! Come back!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I stood in dog shit again!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Somebody clean up after your dog!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Keep the Country Code!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Come on. Did anyone bring any little snacks or energy bars or
0:23:21 > 0:23:23anything like that? You're hungry?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I'm hungry, that's what I'm saying.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Sooner or later, we're going to die.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31'It was over. We had no way of getting home.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34'We were ten minutes from certain death. We were doomed.'
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- You've got sat nav on your phone? - I think so.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Oh, my God!
0:23:42 > 0:23:43'With their trusty sat nav,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45six minutes later we were pretty much home.'
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Did we take any supplies with us? Any water, anything?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- I took some water.- Did you?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Yeah.- Why didn't you tell us that three hours ago, Jay?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I did, at the start!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- You didn't say you had anything! - Yes, I did!- No, you didn't!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59You didn't say, "I've got water. Does anyone want a drink?"
0:23:59 > 0:24:02'The defeated runt Scouts finally limped into camp.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04'The super Scouts had been back for hours.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07'It was game over for my childish anti-Scout nonsense.'
0:24:07 > 0:24:09You'd think I'd have learned something, but no.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I set off with my group without so much as a bottle of water.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13I didn't even ask the time.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I did even ask how long it was supposed to take.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21I set off without even a bottle of water. That even annoys me a bit.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24'In the real world, my attitude would have got us all killed.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27'The thought of dying within earshot of a motorway services with
0:24:27 > 0:24:30'a Postman Pat ride was just too humiliating.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33'To be a good Scout Leader, I felt I should be useful on some level
0:24:33 > 0:24:36'and I was a bit ashamed that, apart from a chocolate banana ghost,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38'I'd brought nothing to the camp.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40'Luckily, Gareth came to my rescue.'
0:24:40 > 0:24:43There's an Entertainer's badge, and I was quite hoping that you
0:24:43 > 0:24:47would help some of the Scouts and yourself win an Entertainer's badge.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I could probably do some kind of little workshop thing, where we workshop ideas
0:24:50 > 0:24:54and do a bit of almost observational stand-up about being a Scout.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57If you can encourage them to get that information on how to do
0:24:57 > 0:25:01that and give them the skills of how to do that, perfect Leader.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Right. I'll give that a go.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06'Next day, like a man giving himself a home-made filling with
0:25:06 > 0:25:09'a Black & Decker drill, I had the bit firmly between my teeth.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11'I was now the anti-anti-Scout,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14'determined to prove I could impart a valuable skill.'
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Tonight, we're going to do is sketches, and, with a bit of luck,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21if it goes well, you are going to earn your Entertainment badge.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22CHEERING
0:25:22 > 0:25:25And I am going to become a bona fide Scout Leader!
0:25:25 > 0:25:26CHEERING
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- You don't care, do you?- SCOUTS:- No!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Scouts don't care!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34'Tonight, the camp would watch us perform. Entertainers badges on the line,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37'I had a few short hours to turn them into little green Seinfelds.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38'Lesson one, projection.'
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Scouts don't care!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Scouts don't care!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Scouts don't care!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Didn't understand him, it's loud enough.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48'Lesson two, facing the right way.'
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You won't get a laugh if you're looking away or looking down.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Look at the audience.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53'Less than three, props.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56'Lesson four, hot dogs.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58'Lesson five, using a chair.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00'Lesson six, material.'
0:26:00 > 0:26:03What kind of cheese is made of cheese?
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Cheese.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:06What's the most religious food?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10'Lesson seven, better material.'
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Like, what's going on in the sketch?
0:26:12 > 0:26:17It's like all of us pretending to be Leaders. We're handing out badges.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20A fake ceremony where you're getting your badges.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22What kinds of things are stupid badges?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- I Got Killed By Camp Food. - I Got Killed By Camp Food badge.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Maybe the people who carry him
0:26:27 > 0:26:29could get the I Carried A Dead Person badge.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31That's a good idea.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34I don't think you're going to be very popular with the Leaders.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- Yeah, but guess what? - SCOUTS:- Scouts don't care!
0:26:36 > 0:26:37That's getting old now.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39What do you mean? Only been going a few hours.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42"Be Prepared" has been knocking around since about 1920.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44He's getting the Worst Comedian award.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I'm getting the Worst Comedian award.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I'll come out and get the Worst Comedian award. That's funny.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Exhausting. But we're getting there.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55They're really creative, some good ideas. It's really funny.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57We've just got to find a role for everyone
0:26:57 > 0:26:59and then we've got to pull it off.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03'As evening fell, an expectant crowd gathered round the campfire.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04'This was our moment.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06'I was as anxious for my Scouts as I was for myself.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08'Their Entertainment badges
0:27:08 > 0:27:11'and my I'm Not A Complete Dick badge were all hanging on this.'
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Are we ready?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Go...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Rhod Squad!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19We're going for it. We're going to do this.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our comedy club!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25CHEERING
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I give you the Rhod Squad!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29CHEERING
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I'm Akela and welcome to the awards ceremony.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Pack, Pack, Pack!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Pack, Pack, Pack!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40'The Rhod Squad's sketch parodied their badges ceremonies
0:27:40 > 0:27:42'and the survival challenges of camping.'
0:27:42 > 0:27:46I've got the Drinking Urine award!
0:27:46 > 0:27:47AUDIENCE: Eeurgh!
0:27:47 > 0:27:50RHOD LAUGHS
0:27:50 > 0:27:51And it's not even mine!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Hey, where's my urine?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59'And maybe this is what being a Scout Leader is all about -
0:27:59 > 0:28:03'volunteering your time and bringing what you've got to the party.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06'Even if, like me, you haven't got all that much to bring.'
0:28:06 > 0:28:09I got the Longest Hair In My Hotdog award!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10AUDIENCE: Eeurgh!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12That genuinely happened while we were rehearsing!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14LAUGHTER
0:28:14 > 0:28:16- Congratulations, Rhod.- Thank you.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I got the Worst Comedian In The World award!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20CHEERING
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Remember, folks!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- PERFORMERS:- Scouts don't care!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28CHEERING
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Well done, chaps! You nailed it! Give us a high five! Well done!
0:28:31 > 0:28:32'First thing I've done
0:28:32 > 0:28:35'while I've been here where I've sort of brought a little'
0:28:35 > 0:28:39bit of my world and a little bit of my skills to what they do.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43The rest of the time, just careering like a giraffe on roller-skates,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46from one disaster to the next.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49But it really moved me. I was really quite emotional.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52There's no greater feeling
0:28:52 > 0:28:57than helping kids.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59It's amazing.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd