0:00:02 > 0:00:03'I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05'People tell me I've got the toughest job in town,
0:00:05 > 0:00:08'but I'm sure I'd find other things far more difficult, so I'm
0:00:08 > 0:00:11'ditching my regular job and trying something completely different.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13'This is my Work Experience.'
0:00:16 > 0:00:18'This week, I'm a coach tour guide.'
0:00:20 > 0:00:23'In a few days, I'll be taking a load of Welsh pensioners to
0:00:23 > 0:00:26'Belgium, but the closest I've come to giving a guided tour is
0:00:26 > 0:00:29'showing someone where the Hoover bags were when I worked in Curry's.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32'A coach company near Pontypridd had agreed to take me on.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35'I was here to meet Huw and Julie. Between them, they knew more
0:00:35 > 0:00:38'about taking pensioners abroad than a Dignitas rep.'
0:00:38 > 0:00:41A tour guide makes or breaks the holiday.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46You can't just sort of ad-hoc something, it's got to be planned.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49You've got to know what you're doing, where you're going.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53It's exceptional customer service that we're looking for at all times.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56There'll be a couple of people on board to keep an eye on you.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I'll be travelling with the group as well,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- but I'll be taking a back seat. - HE LAUGHS
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I think this is probably the weirdest one I've done.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06'I'd be travelling alongside veteran driver Glyn.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09'He looked more like a coach driver than was humanly possible.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10'When he started driving,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13'Jesus was still turning water into Sunny Delight.'
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Everything is self-explanatory in the toilet. Those buttons...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Self-explanatory toilet!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Oh, that's nice, Glyn!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24That is nice, that is. This is the business, this one, is it?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26That's pretty sharp, that one.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29When you sit in the courier's seat, it is not so comfortable.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Is that my seat down there? - That's your seat down there.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- HE LAUGHS - That's it, is it?- That's it! Yeah!
0:01:37 > 0:01:42And after a hard day's tour guiding, I'll switch off and relax. Ohhh.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- That's much better.- That's better. - Unless you want to swap over.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I don't mind doing it. I detest driving, I hate driving, so...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- You hate driving?! - HE LAUGHS
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- What sort of driver are you if you hate driving?!- I'm serious.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55I detest driving.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- Glyn, can I ask you a question? - Certainly.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Do you ever feel like you're in the wrong job?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01HE LAUGHS Hmmmmm.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I've got a full itinerary. Every day is mapped out for me.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Get up at this time, then breakfast, then get the luggage on-board.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Everything is boom, boom, boom. This time, that time.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I'm going to be responsible for getting all of us
0:02:12 > 0:02:17into those places at the right time. That's a bit of a worry, isn't it?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19'A few days later, at the crack of dawn,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22'I waited with a suitcase full of Werther's Originals
0:02:22 > 0:02:23'and an air rifle.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25'I looked like a bellboy, felt like a bell end.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27'It was time to belt up and head for Belgium.'
0:02:27 > 0:02:32I'm in Magor services near Newport. I've had one hour's sleep.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And that's more training than I've had.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38'With 30 Belgium-hungry silver surfers onboard, I felt
0:02:38 > 0:02:41'as out of place as Robert Mugabe at a Geri Halliwell book signing!'
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Good morning, all. - ALL: Good morning.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I'm Rhod, I'll be your tour guide. Let's go to Antwerp!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48ALL: Yes!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Oh, Glyn. You're spoiling me.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56'The mobile retirement home sets sail, and like a cow that's
0:02:56 > 0:02:58'been minced and vacuum-packed, I couldn't walk away now.'
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I'll just make a few announcements, ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04There are two or three emergency exits.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06How many are there, Glyn, on this particular coach?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Every window is an emergency exit.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Every window is an emergency exit. How do they get out the windows?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- There are little hammers on the pillars.- Hammers?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Then you've got to jump to the floor.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19That's it, ladies and gentlemen, if you do have any problems,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23simply smash the window and jump the 15 feet to safety.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I will be below with a sheet.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:27'Glyn sped to Dover.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30'At the back, it was like Last Of The Summer Wine meets Spring Break.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33'They were on a mission, knocking back the drinks like teenagers.'
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- It IS chocolate now, is it? - Yeah, chocolate that is, yeah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39'With the party in full swing behind me, I wasn't sure what to do next.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42'But I had to try and calm them down somehow.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45'I tried some advanced Flemish lessons.'
0:03:45 > 0:03:47'I'll just give you a couple of words that you may find useful.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Yes is ja. - ALL: Ja.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- No is nee. - ALL: Nee.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Hello is hallo. - ALL: hallo.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- And thank you is dank u. - ALL: Dank u.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02If we do need the toilet,
0:04:02 > 0:04:07the phrase you need is "waar is het toilet"?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10ALL: Waar is het toilet?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15If the situation is more urgent, "waar is het toilet? II hulp nodig."
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Where is the toilet, I need help.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22And once everything is back to normal, don't forget. Dank u.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Dank u.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27'Gaining in confidence, I threw out some facts about our destination.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29'I tailored it to my audience and they lapped it up.'
0:04:29 > 0:04:34Belgian people are the most avid users of discount coupons
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- in the world.- Never.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41Belgium produces the greatest variety of bricks in the world.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Also, for those of you who are interested,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I wouldn't give me any hassle because if you do,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49I should probably point out that Belgium has legalised euthanasia.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50'As we rolled into Dover,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54'a quick mirror under their noses established no-one was dead yet.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55'Waiting for the ferry,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58'I discovered one of our group was a retired tour guide.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00'I hung on Roy's every word as he blew
0:05:00 > 0:05:02'the lid off some of the industry's best-kept secrets.'
0:05:02 > 0:05:06When you're serving teas, just keep your feet apart, like that.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11- That gives you a little bit of balance. Right?- Good advice, Roy.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Good advice. HE LAUGHS
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Noted. Feet apart for teas and coffees.- OK.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Is that the same for hot chocolate? - HE LAUGHS
0:05:19 > 0:05:21'Roy's technique for standing up had worked a treat in the car park,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24'and I couldn't wait to try it on the ferry.'
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Ladies and gentlemen, we can't go any further. - LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:29'On board, I got to know my group better.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31'They were experienced coach trippers
0:05:31 > 0:05:33'and knew exactly what they wanted.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36'Gaynor made it clear that if their demands for entertainment
0:05:36 > 0:05:38'weren't met, she'd suffocate a puppy in her hair.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41'I turned to Glyn for help.' They want bingo.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- Hmmmmmm.- They demanded bingo. Gaynor is bingo this, bingo that.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47When is the bingo?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50'The waistcoated crusader and I set off in search of bingo cards,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53'but with France in sight, it looked like that puppy was going to
0:05:53 > 0:05:55'be munching perm, because no-one could help.'
0:05:55 > 0:05:57"Bingo cards, France. Buy."
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Who are you ringing? The National Bingo Helpline?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I might just buy a pair of sunglasses while I'm here.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07No. Focus, focus.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10'We had docked and I hadn't found any bingo cards.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12'And now I couldn't find the coach either.'
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- It's where you left it.- You what? - It's right there where you left it.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I've forgotten where I left it, though, that's the problem!
0:06:18 > 0:06:24# Why are we waiting? Why are we waiting for Rho-o-od?! #
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- Sorry! I was looking for you lot! - LAUGHTER
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I was trying to find some bloody bingo!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:35'We glided into Europe with Wales's answer to
0:06:35 > 0:06:38'Jenson Button, Glyn I-can't-do- my-waistcoat-buttons-up.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43'The demands of the job and the 4:00am start had done me in.'
0:06:44 > 0:06:47'The Antiques Roadshow rolled into Antwerp,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50'but I'd neglected all of my duties for over an hour.'
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I think I might have dozed off a bit there, did I?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:58 > 0:07:00We've all been waiting for tea!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You've probably noticed I've been quiet while we've been in Antwerp,
0:07:04 > 0:07:08so as to allow you to enjoy it for yourselves for a while.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11'I was exhausted, but I still had to drop a coachload of pensioners off
0:07:11 > 0:07:12'at a budget hotel.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15'That's not a euphemism for a difficult poo,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17'I literally had to check us all in.'
0:07:17 > 0:07:21That's our list. Here we are.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Mr and Mrs Jones. That could be anyone, couldn't it, that?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Jenkins and Cartwright.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29'Checking in 30 Welsh people was never going to be easy.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31'We had fewer surnames than the Nolan sisters.'
0:07:31 > 0:07:33You're in 321, sorry, yes, that's right.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Are you supposed to be in a twin room, in 239?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40You swapped with this lady. Oh, God, yes, you swapped with her.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Sod's law, the wrong Williamses
0:07:42 > 0:07:45and the wrong Cartwrights have all gone in each other's rooms,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48so I've basically got an inadvertent wife-swapping situation!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51'I left them to settle into the wrong rooms with the wrong partners
0:07:51 > 0:07:52'and crashed.'
0:07:54 > 0:07:56'Day two was another early start.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59'The historic city of Bruges and a sightseeing extravaganza awaited.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02'I was as nervous as the puppy in Gaynor's handbag
0:08:02 > 0:08:05'because I had to make sure the day ran like clockwork.'
0:08:05 > 0:08:10- Have you seen Rhod this morning?- No. - No.- Have you seen Rhod this morning?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- No, I haven't seen him. - We haven't seen him either.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16We've got about five minutes and then we're going.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Hi, Rhod, it's Huw. We were due to leave at 8:15 AM.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23'Unfortunately, my clock didn't work and I'd overslept.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25'Huw was angrier than a Glaswegian zit.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27'The two Annes weren't happy,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29'the whole day's schedule was now in jeopardy.'
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- Good morning, everyone. - GROANING
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- I'm very, very, very, very sorry. - LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:44'I was in the doghouse.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48'I needed to get us back on schedule but I knew nothing about Bruges.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49'Our scenic river tour left any minute
0:08:49 > 0:08:52'and I had parked us miles away from any rivers.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54'We shuffled off in search of water like a budget version
0:08:54 > 0:08:56'of the Thriller video.'
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Sorry it's not warmer. My fault, my fault.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01If you'd got up earlier, the sun would be shining!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Yes, I'm sure it was a lovely day!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05'We were going as fast as we could but between us,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07'we had more walking sticks than a Charlie Chaplin exhibition.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10'We were getting later and later for our river tour.'
0:09:10 > 0:09:12So, if I'd known how long this was going to take,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- I'd have got up earlier! - We're picking up the rear.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- No, you're not even picking up the rear either!- I can't believe it!
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Come on, riff-raff.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- Don't be last, try and overtake them now on the way!- Change up a gear.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Yes, change up a gear now.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28'Cold, battered and bruised, we finally got to the boats.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30'If I was going to turn this round, I needed to blow their socks off
0:09:30 > 0:09:33'or at least gently remove their support stockings.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35'I had to give them the river tour of a lifetime.'
0:09:35 > 0:09:37The Lake Of Love...
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- The Lake Of Love is a romantic place... - MICROPHONE WHISTLES
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- A romantic... - MICROPHONE WHISTLES
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Oh, dear, is that the Palace?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Is that the Palace of the thing there?- No, that's a hospital.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Oh, that's a hospital.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53'My scenic river tour was partially hampered by my not knowing
0:09:53 > 0:09:57'anything about Bruges.' Nothing to say about this bridge whatsoever.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- 17th-century.- Oh, 17th-century almshouses on the left
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- for the poor.- They're still used for them now.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06They're still used for the poor.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Which make me feel a little bit insensitive
0:10:08 > 0:10:10announcing that over a tannoy outside their house.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14And on our left, some of the poor people, still happy.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16It doesn't cost anything to smile. Look at that.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19'Bags of kittens have had more enjoyable river tours,
0:10:19 > 0:10:20'but things were about to get worse.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22'I'd booked lunch on the other side of town
0:10:22 > 0:10:24'and we trundled off again.'
0:10:24 > 0:10:26If you throw a coin into the Lake Of Love,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28your wish will come true, ladies and gentlemen.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Why don't you throw him in it?!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33'Molly had a point. I was letting everyone down.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36'Like a deputy headmaster who's gone into school in a negligee
0:10:36 > 0:10:38'and pop socks, I knew I had to change.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41'With more sightseeing laid on after lunch, I had an idea.'
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I'm not pointing the finger, I'm not mentioning any names,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46but as a group, we are quite slow.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:54I've got to offer, suggest that those who would like it,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56take a taxi to the next venue.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59'I'd finally done something right. My taxis were snapped up.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01'I'd showed I was thinking about them
0:11:01 > 0:11:02'and the mood improved immediately.'
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Oh, hi, can I get some taxis for nine people, please?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I have quite a sense of achievement.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11All I've done is order two taxis in Belgium. Still!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14'I loaded the taxis and ran on ahead with my PILFs.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Pensioners I'd Learnt Were Fast!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Our next stop was avant-garde chocolate nut job,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Dominique Persoone, the Salvador Dali of the chocolate world.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- I'm the man, I am Rhod, hello. - Hello, Dominique, nice to meet you.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Hi, thanks for making time for us. - Oh, no problem.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33- We're all looking forward to this. - OK, good. Want to go upstairs?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Right, yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Talk amongst yourselves. - LAUGHTER
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Welcome, this is the test kitchen of our chocolate client team.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46And I have all kinky spices that is not allowed to get
0:11:46 > 0:11:48near our big production,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51so, that is why we have this test kitchen here.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Having catered for the Rolling Stones, Dominique had
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- invented some interesting ways of taking chocolate.- One, two, three.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58HE SNIFFS
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- That's inside? - LAUGHTER
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Let's have another go! - LAUGHTER
0:12:05 > 0:12:06HE INHALES
0:12:06 > 0:12:11Who else wants to have their brain turned with chocolate?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15'The morning had been a disaster. I knew this was make or break.'
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Feel your brain turning with chocolate?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20'But minutes later,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23'we were mainlining chocolates like the Milky Bar kid in a crack den.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26'We'd totally forgotten the rubbish morning we'd had.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Very dark lips. - LAUGHTER
0:12:37 > 0:12:38HE SNIFFS
0:12:38 > 0:12:39LAUGHTER
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44'We were all off our Snickers.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48'Twixes farts, but we'd bonded in the chocolate asylum.'
0:12:48 > 0:12:49You all right?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53All right, pair of Annes! Here they come. A right Anne-ful.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Look at them, Jenkins and Cartwright,
0:12:55 > 0:12:59always at the bloody back. Come on! It's like Grange Hill with you two!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Always something going on! Always somebody causing trouble!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05'George Michael may have been careless with his Wispa,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07'but even he never rammed it up his nose.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09'Heading back to Antwerp on the coach,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11'my brain had been properly Curlywurlied!'
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Apparently in the old days,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15they used to lob live cats as far as you could as a kind
0:13:15 > 0:13:18of game, well they still do, but nowadays they use dead cats.
0:13:18 > 0:13:24- In the old days, they used to... - Stuffed cats, not dead ones!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- Oh, they use stunt cats!- Stuffed! - Stuffed!- Oh, stuffed cats!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- I've got no teeth, have I?! - That's disgusting.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34They don't use DEAD cats.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Nowadays they use stuffed cats, not dead cats!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Although stuffed cats are usually dead, in my opinion.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I think today has been a game of two halves.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Some highlights and some lowlights, I think.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49A lowlight for everyone was me failing to turn up this morning.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52The atmosphere was distinctly frosty.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Lunchtime, the sun came out, in many ways.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I think we've all been a lot happier since.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00'The group flaked out at the hotel to nurse their come-downs.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02'Tomorrow was another busy day,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04'because I'd be showing the group around Antwerp.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06'But I knew less about Antwerp than I did about Bruges,
0:14:06 > 0:14:10'and headed onto the streets to immerse myself in the local scene.'
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- Are you guys from Antwerp? - We're German.- You're German.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- Have a nice day.- I am not from Antwerp.- You're not from Antwerp.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- You're not from Antwerp.- No. - Are you guys from Antwerp?- No.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23You're not either.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Nobody is from Antwerp! Are you guys from Antwerp? No.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- I don't think anybody lives in- (BLEEP)- Antwerp.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34'After two hours, it was hopeless.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36'I wasn't just flogging a dead horse,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38'I was shooting its remains out of a cannon.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40'I went to bed with my guidebook.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43'Next morning, I did a few lines of Toblerone and mainlined
0:14:43 > 0:14:46'a Bounty before rushing downstairs to help with breakfast.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50'Like a good tour guide, I was now attending to my group's every whim.'
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Because of this uniform, everyone from Denmark,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55from Germany is just coming over and pointing at things going,
0:14:55 > 0:14:59"bread, why is there no bread? Where is the bread?!"
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- You look like the waiter. - No, he looks like the manager!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02All right, the manager.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- How come you still manage to look like a bus driver?- No teeth!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Probably.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Very probably. BBC, yes.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15- BBC.- England?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Yeah.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Ned?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Grandstand?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Des Lynam?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- No.- Nick?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Denmark.- Oh, Denmark!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I wasn't the only one who had been smoking Caramac that morning.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- Oh, I see. OK.- Very good for you.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Very good. I will try it. - OK.- Thank you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46It's good.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I know what it looks like.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52CHEERING
0:15:52 > 0:15:54On time!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Of course I'm on time. I'm always on time.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Roy, you hold the traffic at bay there.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04He's got a spring in his step today.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06He's not usually the pacemaker, but look at him go!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09All right, Cartwright, Jenkins. Everyone all right?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I've learnt from my mistakes yesterday.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I still don't know what I'm doing, but I'm going to give it a good go.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15A damn good go.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17'Yesterday's unplanned walkabouts had left us
0:16:17 > 0:16:20'with more dodgy legs than a KFC Party Bucket,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23'so I'd blagged us a tram to get to our first port of call.'
0:16:23 > 0:16:25CHEERING
0:16:25 > 0:16:27'I'd been up all night revising and it had paid off.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30'I now knew everything about this historic city.'
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- What is that? - What is that? It's a tree.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- No, look at it! - How many flags are hung?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38How many flags are hanging up there?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Just count them!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- I'd like that for my garden. - You'd like that in your garden?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Molly, if you shut up for three seconds,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50you'll see some beautiful architecture around here.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53'I had to get us to a cultural museum and, like the spots
0:16:53 > 0:16:56'on Peter Stringfellow's backside, I was all over it.'
0:16:56 > 0:17:01I do know that on the top, there's panoramic views of the city.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And I've also arranged lifts and escalators.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05ALL: Oh!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Lifts for those with mobility problems,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10escalators for Cartwright and Jenkins.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Who, as we know, just have motivational difficulties.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:19There are giant games of Snakes and Ladders!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Says to keep the kids entertained,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24but nothing of bingo games.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27'While they raided the museum for features for Molly's garden,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30'I organised lunch. I pulled off a real coup and landed us
0:17:30 > 0:17:33'an exotic Belgian speciality called frites.'
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Right, how many chips have we got?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
0:17:40 > 0:17:4216. Seven with tomato sauce. Mayo?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44One, two, three, four... five.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Seven and five is 12, add three is 15.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Somebody hasn't specified.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Hands up for chicken things!
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Fish!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55One, two, three, four, five.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Six, seven.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58That's 15 people.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Hands up for fish! Fish!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Chicken things!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05That's 15 people. We're one bloody short!
0:18:05 > 0:18:06But I'm only having chips.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:15You said put your hands up for fish and sausage.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16I don't want it.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17HE LAUGHS
0:18:17 > 0:18:19You, Roy, are a dickhead!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:24'I was doing so well, Roy the former tour guide didn't like it.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26'Feeling threatened, he was determined to sabotage my efforts.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29'I needed to remind him who was boss on this trip.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31'Molly's bragging gave me an idea.'
0:18:31 > 0:18:35When I go on the Harrods trip around London...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Stop namedropping.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39He holds a walking stick up.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Does he? That is good enough for me.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I'm looking for something that will mark me out
0:18:44 > 0:18:46in a distinguished manner as a tour guide.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50'It didn't take long to find the perfect accessory.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53'My new eagle gave me instant gravitas and authority.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55'Other tour guides would bow before me.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58'Any more lip from Roy, and he'd be picking beak out of his ass for a week.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01'Although, rounding my group up for our next visit,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03'not everyone was afraid of it as I'd hoped.'
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Who's that? Jenkins and Cartwright!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Come here!
0:19:08 > 0:19:13It's like having two little naughty kids, it is.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Look at the cocks.- Look how they spell Cockx?- Luis' Cockx.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Luis' cock.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22We're on a cultural tour of Antwerp.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23This is so typically Welsh valleys.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25"Look how they spell cocks, lads!"
0:19:25 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:29What do you think?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30CHEERING
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Oh, my gosh, I don't think I trust you with that!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I better take care of it!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36It's a beauty, though, isn't it? Give that a go, Warren.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Give that one a try. You're a stick expert.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41It is meant to give me gravitas as a tour guide,
0:19:41 > 0:19:45but, also, just to instil a bit of fear, as well.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48You two...
0:19:48 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- You be very, very careful. - Yes, boss.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54'Our next visit was a local booze-tasting.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56'If we were going to make it on time, I needed to get
0:19:56 > 0:20:00'people into taxis, but my lucky eagle wasn't having the desired effect.'
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Do you have any taxis available for eight people now, please?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- 'I have no cars free on this moment.' - You have no cars free now?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I've tried that one, I've tried two others.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I'm going to go in here and see if I can take a taxi number.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Huw, can I deputise and put you in charge of the walkers?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18The racing pensioners, if you can get them back to the coach park,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I'll look after the injured and the dying.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25We've got to be at the gin tasting at 3.15, it's a 20-minute drive
0:20:25 > 0:20:27and we are 15, 20 minutes away from the coach.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28So, we are...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32We're in Gillian McKeith's house without a paddle.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35'Huw set off with a fuel-injected pelt, but,
0:20:35 > 0:20:36'when the taxis came for the rest of us,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38'there were more bums than seats.'
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Don't worry about me. I'll find my own way now.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Give us a lift, mate.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51The worst thing is, they're all going to blame me and go,
0:20:51 > 0:20:52"Wey, there he is."
0:20:52 > 0:20:54All right?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56ALL: Wey-hey!
0:20:56 > 0:20:57LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Don't you "Hooray" me.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:01You will feel my eagle.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03We're ten minutes late.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I'm not sure that they'll let us in to the Elixir d'Anvers,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08which is the famous herb liquor.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12We've got a tasting organised, but, apparently, they are, well,
0:21:12 > 0:21:16ball-breakers, for want of a better word, when it comes to timing.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20'We were already running very late and now we were lost.'
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- 132.- Is that the one? - Is that it?
0:21:26 > 0:21:30We were just wondering, can we check the address we've got for you, cos the sat nav in
0:21:30 > 0:21:32our coach is taking us somewhere
0:21:32 > 0:21:34and we don't think we're in the right place.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37132, we're looking for. 132, ladies and gentlemen!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- 37.- 54!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Number 80 on your right. - 80 on the right.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43'We needed to find the place fast,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46'because, as we shouted the house numbers, Gaynor got very twitchy.'
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Rhod!- Yes? - Bingo only goes 1 to 90.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52We're just looking for number 132, Gaynor, the bingo hasn't started!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- 61.- Welcome. - Hi, thank you very much.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- We're very sorry. - You're the tour operator?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I'm the tour operator. I'm very, very sorry we're late.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01We had a few taxi issues, a few mobility issues.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04But we are here now and we are absolutely gasping
0:22:04 > 0:22:07for some of your life-enhancing elixir.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09'My charm offensive had patched things up and saved the tour,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12'but, minutes later, my grovelling good work
0:22:12 > 0:22:14'was almost undone by the Grange Hill twins.'
0:22:14 > 0:22:18I think you call it in England a cure or die remedy.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20A household remedy.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21PHONE RINGS
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Not only date from 1894...
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Just one moment.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26PHONE RINGS
0:22:26 > 0:22:28LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Jenkins?- Not me.- Cartwright?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35We've had a lot of trouble with these two. Had to be you, didn't it?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And the beginning is, of course, the inventor of this liquor
0:22:38 > 0:22:40and it was such a success...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42PHONE RINGS
0:22:42 > 0:22:43..at the first distillery...
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Switch it off.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Jenkins, Cartwright. See me on the coach after this.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Now, already, after the First World War,
0:22:54 > 0:22:59Francois-Xavier retired at a young age in 1922...
0:22:59 > 0:23:03PHONE RINGS ..and he left the management...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Right, you two, out!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:09That's it.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Final warning.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14And you! Go on!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19'As we headed out for our last night in Antwerp, I felt
0:23:19 > 0:23:22'totally at home with this fantastic group.'
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Central Station, ladies and gentlemen, up ahead!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27What year was it built?
0:23:27 > 0:23:301565.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35'We celebrated together, but I still had to get them home
0:23:35 > 0:23:38'and there was a bingo-shaped shadow hanging over me.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41'I'd heard barking from Gaynor's room in Antwerp and I knew
0:23:41 > 0:23:44'if we didn't play bingo on the way home, that puppy was a goner.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47'Next morning, as we headed back to Calais, I tried to distract
0:23:47 > 0:23:49'the group with other games.'
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Are you male or female?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53You can't ask me about male or female,
0:23:53 > 0:23:54it's got to be a yes or no answer.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Oh, right. Are you male?- Yes.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Are you a pop singer?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- What?- Are you a pop singer?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03It's Guess Who!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:08I don't know what their bloody jobs are, I've just got a picture of their face!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I spy with my little eye...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Let's have a look around here...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Don't worry, I'm not looking up your skirt, Anne!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I'll choose something we can all see.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:31It wouldn't be fair on the others.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34'I was feeling really guilty that I hadn't sorted the bingo out for Gaynor.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37'I knew it was important that she had a turn at I Spy.'
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I spy with my little eye something beginning with R-S,
0:24:40 > 0:24:41and it's outside.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Road sign.- Aww!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Yeah!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50'But, when we got to Calais, I spied with my little eye someone
0:24:50 > 0:24:53'beginning with G, and she still wasn't happy. Guess who?'
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I've got to tell you, now.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58We've been out three days, today we're going home, our fourth day.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- And we still haven't had a game of bingo.- No, I know.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- I asked you the first morning. - I know you did.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I take it you haven't got any books yet, then?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Not yet.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I've still got 20 minutes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"We've never had a trip without bingo!"
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I've promised them it and I'm going to get it.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18This is the problem I've got. "Le magasin sera ferme le 1 mai."
0:25:18 > 0:25:21This shop will be closed 1 May. It is bank holiday.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25I've got 20 minutes in Calais to find bloody bingo.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Bonjour!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Vous connaissez le jeu bingo?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Bingo? Merde!
0:25:32 > 0:25:33LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Je cherche les cartes pour le bingo.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- Au tabac.- Au tabac? Ah, oui?
0:25:39 > 0:25:43'It looked like the puppy was going to live to see another day.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44'I'd found some bingo.'
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It's a scratchcard bingo.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Two euros a pop, but somebody could win 10,000 euros.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Six, sept, huit, neuf, dix...
0:25:56 > 0:25:59No doubt about it...
0:25:59 > 0:26:03our lucky eagle is paying dividends.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07'On the ferry home, I headed triumphantly for Gaynor, bingo cards in hand.'
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I have sorted. The bingo is sorted.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11That's not bingo.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12SHE LAUGHS
0:26:12 > 0:26:14What is your bingo, then?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17You've got a book of six, numbers 1 to 90,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20you call the numbers out, we marked them off.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Right.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28She wants proper, full-on, Mecca bloody bingo, doesn't she?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32She wants bingo hall, Vegas bingo, that's what she wants!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35'In desperation, I had one last hunt.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36'I was about to give up when - snap!
0:26:36 > 0:26:39'I mean - bingo!'
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Magnetic games for travel. Magnetic bingo.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47That's going to keep one pensioner very happy, that.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- She's been going crazy.- Really?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Almost did a dirty protest on the bus.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52SHE LAUGHS
0:26:53 > 0:26:55'The ferry was docking.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57'I couldn't wait to show Gaynor what I'd found,
0:26:57 > 0:26:58'but I'd lost two of my group.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00'No prizes for guessing who.'
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Jenkins, Cartwright! Come on!
0:27:06 > 0:27:10GRANGE HILL THEME PLAYS
0:27:14 > 0:27:17'It was the last leg of the journey, and as I handed out the bingo,
0:27:17 > 0:27:21'I felt like I'd become a half-decent tour guide.
0:27:21 > 0:27:2628 brown. 28 across is our top speed in miles an hour.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- Six yellow.- Bingo!
0:27:29 > 0:27:30CHEERING
0:27:30 > 0:27:33'But, as we played, I realised I'd made a terrible mistake.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35'My travel bingo was designed for two players
0:27:35 > 0:27:37'and half of them had the same numbers.'
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Bingo is just so stressful.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40So stressful.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47'As Glyn-no-buttons brought us safely home,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50'I'd enjoyed myself immensely and hoped my new friends had too.'
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Thank you very, very, very much for having me.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55It's been a very strange experience for me.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57In some ways, it totally fits my personality,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59and in some ways it doesn't.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02The thing in this job is you have to put yourself last
0:28:02 > 0:28:05and look after every other single person before yourself and that's what Huw,
0:28:05 > 0:28:09I guess, and people that do this job do, is put themselves last.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11And that doesn't come naturally to me.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12LAUGHTER
0:28:12 > 0:28:15But I've thoroughly enjoyed it, so thanks very much.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18It's been a privilege to, hopefully, look after you all reasonably well.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Nobody's dead. We're all here, aren't we?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22We're all back and I consider that a success!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25So thank you very, very much ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32I said to you on Sunday going out,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34I said, I gave you a bit of advice,
0:28:34 > 0:28:38"Keep the people happy." And that's exactly what you did.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42You had me crying this morning. Oh, I was in tears. Brilliant.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47- In a good way?- Absolutely brilliant. You make a good guide.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48Thank you very, very much.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52That is one lovely, lovely community and I've absolutely loved it.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55I had a little tear in my eye.
0:28:55 > 0:28:56I'm probably overtired.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Just need to go home.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd