0:00:02 > 0:00:03I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05People say I've got the toughest job in town,
0:00:05 > 0:00:07but I'm sure I'd find other things far more difficult,
0:00:07 > 0:00:09so I'm ditching my regular job
0:00:09 > 0:00:11and trying something completely different.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14This is my Work Experience.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17And this week I'm a fisherman.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23In a few days' time I'd be going out to sea as a commercial trawlerman
0:00:23 > 0:00:25from the pretty Devon port of Brixham,
0:00:25 > 0:00:28but before I was allowed to dip a toe in the water,
0:00:28 > 0:00:30I had to go along to Milford Haven Leisure Centre
0:00:30 > 0:00:32and I was already worried.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34'Any job where you have to do a mandatory survival course
0:00:34 > 0:00:36'sets my alarm bells ringing.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39'Course tutor Greg had spent more time at sea than the Mary Rose
0:00:39 > 0:00:42'and knew more about staying alive than the Bee Gees.'
0:00:42 > 0:00:45OK, Rhod, what fishing experience do you have to date?
0:00:45 > 0:00:49- Rock pooling.- Rock pooling. And familiarity with boats?
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- What is your experience with boats? - Car ferry.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56'You could fit everything I knew about sea fishing on a clam's wang,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58'but Captain Gregseye immediately put me at ease.'
0:00:58 > 0:01:02The death rate in the industry is horrendous.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06If you did a full career in the commercial fishing industry,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09you've got a 1 in 14 chance of drowning at sea.
0:01:09 > 0:01:121 in 14 chance of drowning?
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Correct. So you've decided to do the most dangerous job in the UK.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20'I wondered whether Captain Gregseye's dinner-party banter
0:01:20 > 0:01:21'needed a bit of work.'
0:01:21 > 0:01:23OK, what we're going to talk about now
0:01:23 > 0:01:25is the things that are going to kill you.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27'A cross between Popeye and Nostradamus,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29'Greg was a right old Popadamus
0:01:29 > 0:01:32'and his chirpy death presentation was giving me a real lift.'
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Rhod, the biggest killer in the industry is cold-water shock.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41If you suddenly fall into cold water when you're not expecting it,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44your brain becomes disconnected from your nervous system,
0:01:44 > 0:01:49you lose the ability to hold your breath, you lose the ability to swim.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You're buggered, you're going to drown
0:01:51 > 0:01:52and there's nothing you can do about it.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55'Popadamus's fun-packed course got even grimmer.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57'Apparently my boat could sink
0:01:57 > 0:01:59'and I'd find myself all alone in a life raft.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01'Luckily, he had everything I'd need
0:02:01 > 0:02:03'to make my survival cruise more memorable.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06'It was like a North Korean party bag with survival canapes.'
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Well, you call it food.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I would stick legs on it and use it as a very small table.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- 'Walkie-talkies.'- Who are you going to talk to?- My agent.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- They won't get you out there. - 'A little tub.'
0:02:17 > 0:02:19To remove any excess water from the life raft
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- and also for collecting any liquids. - Or solids?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24And I suppose solids as well, yeah.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Bucket and chuck it. - Bucket and chuck it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Seems odd, when you're in a survival situation on a life raft,
0:02:29 > 0:02:30to have catchphrases.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31'It even had a little thing
0:02:31 > 0:02:35'to stop the boat that saved you from the sinking boat from sinking.'
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Just bung that in a hole in the raft.- Exactly.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40And then there is a full-size puncture repair kit with glue
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and everything else, but you need to have a dry area to do that.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Is that quite hard when you are in the middle of the sea?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Yes, very hard.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48The next thing we'll look at,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50which is probably of great interest to you...
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Those.- Suicide pills.- Not quite.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Seasick tablets.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00I've never set foot on a boat in my life without being seasick.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Get involved with the fishing and you might not be seasick.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- If I'm really sick, will they turn back?- No.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Even if I'm throwing up everything I've got in me
0:03:09 > 0:03:12and I'm like a little evaporating leaf?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13It ain't going to happen.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Bastards!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18'I get seasick listening to Bryan Ferry,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22'so this was really bad news, but there was no time to dwell on it.'
0:03:22 > 0:03:24OK, so here we have a survival suit.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28You have to be able to put this on together with a lifejacket
0:03:28 > 0:03:29in less than two minutes.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Go.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I think I'm going to take my shoes off for this.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36'If I was going to be allowed out to sea, I had to pass
0:03:36 > 0:03:39'the practical elements of Popadamus's survival extravaganza.'
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Get the hood on.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42One minute.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48How are you supposed to do anything with this?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Minute and a half.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52You've got 30 seconds left, come on.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Yeah, good, well done.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58And that extends your survival time.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Inside there, you would maybe last a week
0:04:00 > 0:04:03in sea temperatures we've got now.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- I don't want to spend a week in this, though.- Do you want to live?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I want to live, but it's quality of life as well.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14'I hoped I'd never have to use that living Portaloo for real,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16'but I'd passed the first stage of the course.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18'As we moved to the pool for the final tests,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21'I could tell Popadamus was going to push me to my limit.'
0:04:21 > 0:04:23You're going to make an entry into the water.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Hold the jacket down, pinch your nose
0:04:26 > 0:04:29to stop the water going up your nose and into your head.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31For similar reasons,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34you don't want cold water entering any other holes in your body,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37so when you're stepping off, clench your cheeks.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Yes, that's what I'm talking about!
0:04:38 > 0:04:43- Have you got one of those little black screw-in...?- OK, off you go.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45'My heart was pounding like a coked-up hamster.'
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- OK, you set? - 'Deep breaths, deep breaths,
0:04:49 > 0:04:53'don't look down, don't look down.'
0:04:53 > 0:04:54In you go.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58'Popadamus was determined to make me fail.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00'He had already thrown me in at the deep end,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02'but there was more deep and end to come.'
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Hopefully this is all you will ever see of a life raft,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07the outside canister.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11'I'd proved I could abandon ship, provided it was one foot tall
0:05:11 > 0:05:13'and by a heated summing pool.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14'For my final test,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17'I had to leap from the side and climb into a life raft.'
0:05:18 > 0:05:20In this instance, I'm your captain.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24You wait until I tell you to abandon ship.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I'll be waiting for the last possible moment, OK?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- What are you going to do to me? - We'll see. Go on. Get over there.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- The weather is bad and we are sinking.- Aaargh!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Get ready to abandon ship.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44'Unlike the sea, the pool was as calm and still as a monk's Y-fronts,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46'so Greg hit me with ice-cold water.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49'This was pure adrenaline-fuelled insanity.'
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Abandon ship!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55It's a howling gale. Come on, get in there, quick as you can!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It's still rough, it's still cold, it's still wet.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Well done!
0:06:07 > 0:06:08GREG LAUGHS
0:06:08 > 0:06:11'I was now legally entitled to go fishing,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14'but after Greg's PowerPoint charts of doom and death drills,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16'I was more convinced than ever that I didn't want to.'
0:06:16 > 0:06:17When I arrived this morning,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21my biggest concern was sea sickness, but after today,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I'm literally 100% sure I'm going to die.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29'I left Greg handing out leaflets on life expectancy
0:06:29 > 0:06:31'at a children's party and scampied down to Brixham
0:06:31 > 0:06:35'ready for some fishing or, as Greg had called it, dying.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37'Head of the local fishing cooperative, Barry,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39'had kindly agreed to let me die on one of
0:06:39 > 0:06:41'the trawlers in his group.'
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Well, this feels like the start of a prison sentence.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47You'll be fine.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49'But before I did anything, Barry treated me
0:06:49 > 0:06:50'to a trip to the fish market.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54'He told me to keep a close eye on the auctioneers and the bidding.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59'I had no idea what my eyes were listening to
0:06:59 > 0:07:03'or why Barry brought me here... until he dropped a bombshell.'
0:07:03 > 0:07:05This is the most important bit. You'll be doing the selling
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and you've got to get as much money for your product.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11You get this wrong, you're getting paid zero.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13'Pollacks! Things were getting shitter by the minute.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15'Not only was I going to die at sea,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18'but now I would have to sell all the fish when I got back.'
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I am feeling very out of my depth.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I didn't expect to be following through from
0:07:22 > 0:07:24catching the fish to coming to a marketplace, an auction,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26and trying to sell.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Selling really is not my forte.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31And it's put a little bit of a different spin
0:07:31 > 0:07:32on going out on that boat.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34'Any fish I'd bring back to auction
0:07:34 > 0:07:36'would be caught from a boat called the Gerry Ann C.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39'Barry took me to meet its skipper, Richard.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41'We found him on the side bit, mending nets with a thing.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43'At just 14 years of age,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47'Richard was living proof of how hard fishing is.'
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- Are you all ready?- I'm with you.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- RHOD LAUGHS - Don't look me up and down like that!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56'I'd only just met him, but I could tell young Richard
0:07:56 > 0:07:58'was the kind of guy who'd look after me if I got seasick.'
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- Do you turn back for people if they're really bad?- No, no.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06You'll be staying with us for the day. We've got a nice big bucket.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10You make the noises, I'll laugh.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14'The little scamp told me to go away and come back at 4.30 next morning,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16'ready to go fishing, but like a man with haemorrhoids
0:08:16 > 0:08:19'about go pony trekking, I was having second thoughts.'
0:08:19 > 0:08:23ECHOING: Dangerous things happen, dangerous things happen...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26You're buggered, you're going to drown.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Lethal, 100% expectation of death.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Death, death, death, death...
0:08:36 > 0:08:38'Next morning I drafted my will
0:08:38 > 0:08:41'and downed enough seasickness pills to kill a pilot whale
0:08:41 > 0:08:43'and hurried down the docks for our 4.30 departure,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46'but I can't have been as keen to die as I thought
0:08:46 > 0:08:48'because I arrived at 4.36.'
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Sorry.- You've failed your first mission.- I know.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I know. I'm here, I'm raring to go, though.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Right. Let's get on the boat.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- What?- On the boat. - On the boat.- On the boat.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Push!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- I can't push this thing off! - Go on! Push! Push!
0:09:08 > 0:09:12'While skipper Richard and deckhand John took us out to sea,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15'I expected to vomit myself inside out,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18'but as we left harbour, my insides stayed inside-in.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22'Weather-wise, I had lucked out.' Massively relieved!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24It's flatter than my missus's ironing board.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28That's the old fisherman's banter, there.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Flatter than my missus's... ironing board!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33'Between them, Richard and Big John had seen more fish
0:09:33 > 0:09:37'than Pingu's potty and knew where to find them.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39'The sun was coming up and I was still alive,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42'but as the new boy, it was clear I was last in the pecking order.'
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- It's anti-seagull protection gear. - Why do I need that?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- He'll have your hand off.- Who will?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Freddie the seagull.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Oh, shit!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55If he gets angry, he'll try and bite you.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Reassure him, then grab him by the neck.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01'Freddie the seagull had got himself trapped on board
0:10:01 > 0:10:03'and I knew exactly how that felt.'
0:10:03 > 0:10:05It's just gone five in the morning,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08this is not my usual day, I have to say.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13'Unlike me, Freddie was free to go,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16'cos, like a lobster who had been totally Thermidored,
0:10:16 > 0:10:17'I wasn't going anywhere.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21'By 5.30am we had reached our first fishing ground.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23'The boys leapt into action like salmon
0:10:23 > 0:10:26'while I stood on the side like a lemon wedge.'
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Yeah, little bit more,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29then we'll take the weight on the other rope.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Right-oh, stop, stop, stop.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34'The closest I've come to manual work
0:10:34 > 0:10:36'is reading the instructions on my massage chair.'
0:10:36 > 0:10:42- Do that up.- Do that up?- Keep going until it goes tight.- Yeah?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Now undo it.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45- Undo it?- Yeah.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- Steady. Keep your fingers out of anywhere that moves.- Yeah.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- There it goes.- At the moment I have absolutely no idea what's going on.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Those big metal weights, they're the otter boards.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03They'll make the trawls spread out a bit.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07As they're dropping down, they're also pulling them way out.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- ENGINE DROWNS SPEECH - ..on the seabed.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Why is that? - That's where the fish are.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16'With the nets out for three hours, I suggested we go home to bed
0:11:16 > 0:11:19'and come back later, but Richard was a right old taskmaster.'
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- If you could have a clean-up around the boat.- Ohh...
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Wash all the weed and shit and everything over the side,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26hose it over the starboard side on the bow.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Starboard side on the bow. Which one is starboard?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Port, starboard.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Port?- Port.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Yeah, how am I going to remember it from doing that?- Red port!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43You must stick the port back your neck when you're out, don't you?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Yeah, but I don't always use my left hand to do it.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- What if I use my right hand to drink port?- It's the colour.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52The port you drink is red, so port on the boat is red.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54What do you mean, port on the boat is red?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56The light on the left-hand side is red.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- What's that got to do with my left hand?- Nothing.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Right.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01No, left.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Stern is at the back, bow is at the front.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Bow is at the front.- Bow. - Oh, you bow, yes.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Bow. Every time they see me. - Yeah, OK.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Cos I am the skipper, you are the deckie learner.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You are the skipper, I am the deckie learner.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16We are in no doubt about that.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17'I was as confused as a footballer
0:12:17 > 0:12:19'trying to feed bread to a Toilet Duck,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22'but Richard insisted I do his dirty work.'
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Richard has given me these kind of
0:12:24 > 0:12:26menial things to do to break me down.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I'm the lowest of the low, the deckie learner.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31This feels like a totally pointless task.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35It's going to be absolutely filthy again in seconds.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Argh!
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Even on a day like today, when the sea is totally calm,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I'm losing my balance and then hitting my head.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47If this was rough, it would be absolutely horrific.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49'Like an anal worm,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51'I was having to start at the bottom and work my way up.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55'Richard put the sea into bossy, the fish into officious
0:12:55 > 0:12:56'and the dick into Richard.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58'He was right old bossy fish dick.'
0:12:58 > 0:12:59You've done that one.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Don't touch it! You're smudging the inside!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08He's saying he can hear me. Let's see.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Rich! Rich!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14You're a proper dick.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19You're a proper dickhead, yeah? Total bellend.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21If only I could hear what he was saying.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26'Next, Bossy Fish Dick demanded his breakfast.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29'He had me waiting on him hand and foot...and sausage.'
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- You should never prick sausages! - Never prick sausages?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- Is that what your mother taught you? - The fat helps it, cooks the meat.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38You stick to fish, all right?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I know my way around a sausage!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I'm at the bottom of the food chain, here.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47It goes Richard, he's the captain,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49John, he's the deckhand,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53then fish, then there's the seagulls,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55then it's me.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57There's yours, all right? There's Captain's.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01There's half of one, there. There's John's, the deckhand's sausage.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05And then that little crusty bit there is for Rhod the cabin boy.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Yes? Is that how it works? - I'm really proud.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11'Time flies when you're having fun
0:14:11 > 0:14:13'and what felt like four years later,
0:14:13 > 0:14:14'it was time to bring in the nets
0:14:14 > 0:14:17'and Bossy Fish Dick was worried about the haul.'
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Yesterday was poor, it was breakeven or just below breakeven.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Just BELOW breakeven? - It was terrible, yeah.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I wouldn't have thought we had much at all.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28We've changed the fishing ground slightly.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Money fish is what we want.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Money fish? What's that? - Money fish, like prime fish.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Fingers crossed, it will be all right
0:14:34 > 0:14:37and we're going to find out very shortly.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39'The nets were about to come in.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41'No wonder Fish Dick was nervous,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43'he was after money fish and they don't exist,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45'but it did explain why he'd tried to get 20 haddock
0:14:45 > 0:14:47'from a cash point the night before.'
0:14:47 > 0:14:48I have no idea quite what to expect,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50except to say that the more fish there are,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52the messier it is going to be.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Equally, the more fish there are, the more we get paid.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It's been quite a surprise to learn that you can
0:14:58 > 0:15:01slog your guts out all day and come home with nothing.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04There's not many jobs like that.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08'If the nets came up empty, all the sausage-cooking, shit-hosing,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11'death-risking seagull saving could be for nothing.'
0:15:11 > 0:15:14There's a lot of moving bits and heavy clanking and things going...
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Quite a dangerous environment. - Yeah. You do get the idea
0:15:17 > 0:15:20when something touches you when it shouldn't touch you -
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- get out of the way. - It's a good rule in life, that is. If something's touching you
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- that shouldn't be touching you... move.- Especially in the pub! THEY CHUCKLE
0:15:29 > 0:15:31SHOUTING
0:15:36 > 0:15:38There's a lot of fingers near a lot of clanking,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I don't like fingers and clanking going together.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Must be a Welsh saying.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45'As our first haul came in we all hoped to see money fish
0:15:45 > 0:15:47'or, at least, a mermaid with some gift tokens
0:15:47 > 0:15:49'but either way, our loot was being looted.'
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I tell you what, if we did have any fish in here, we won't have many
0:15:52 > 0:15:54by the time those seagulls have finished.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56We must have some in here. Look, is that a good sign?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- It's a 50/50 sign.- Look at them diving there, it's incredible.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03'We weren't sure it was the high-value stuff we were looking for
0:16:03 > 0:16:05'but the nets were full. I hadn't seen that many fish
0:16:05 > 0:16:07'since Bossy Fish Dick made me tip out his pyjamas.'
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Wow.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Wow!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Pull that.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Wow. Is that a lot?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20That is better than the whole day's fishing yesterday.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23That's how up and down it is so we've just got to hope now
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- we can keep it going. - This is a very odd thing,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I'm very ambivalent about it - on the one hand, the fisherman,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33they earn a living but it's a sort of tragic sight as well,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36to see all these fish on top of each other in a fairly undignified state.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38They've spent all their life waiting for today.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I'm sure they have, I'm sure this feels like the big day for them.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44They were so pleased it was us that caught them and no-one else.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47'Ker-fish-ching. The fish tills were ringing with money fish.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52'I hadn't seen that many glassy-eyed corpses since the BBC Wales Christmas Party.'
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- So what are these, Richard? - They're lemon sole.- Lemon sole.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57That's what the money is, that's our good money fish.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- That's what we're fishing for. - Lemon soles. Dories.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02That's a John Dory.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05But I do have to say, lemon soles are damn hard to pick up.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08They've got some handles, so if you put your thumb over the handle
0:17:08 > 0:17:10you pick them up easily.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- The eyes.- Oh, is that what they are?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16The eyes, they're not the windows to the soul, they're handles.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Handles to the fish basket.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- That's a weever fish. See the black spines on his back?- Yeah.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- Don't poke them. - You could die.- Really?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Yeah, you could do, if you were allergic.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29RHOD GASPS
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Shit... Have you stabbed yourself with one?- Yes.- You have?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35You've stabbed yourself with a weever fish?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38He was only my size when he did it, that's the swelling!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41'Amongst the money fish there was some small change.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44'Too small to land, by law we had to throw them back.'
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Oh, look at that. It's a little fish with a starfish friend.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I'm going to try to release the two of them. I hope they are
0:17:52 > 0:17:55going to ride off into the sunset like Butch and Sundance.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58'The hungry sea birds had us surrounded, but Butch Haddocky
0:17:58 > 0:18:00'and the Starfish Kid prepared to make their escape.'
0:18:00 > 0:18:02This is a bit like Zulu.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05The odds are stacked against you. Now, you're going to swim,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08my little friends, swim. Don't look up.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Do not look up, just go for it.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS
0:18:17 > 0:18:19No!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23God! Haddock, haddock, haddock...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25HIS VOICE ECHOES
0:18:25 > 0:18:28'My two young friends hadn't made it, I was gutted.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30'I felt like my insides had been ripped out,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34'which, ironically, was exactly what Bossy wanted me to do to the rest of the fish.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38'If I was going to be of any use, I had to toughen up and grow some pollacks.'
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Hold them by the handles.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Cut it across. Lift it all out.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Cut it off.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50'Bossy Fish Dick and Big John were dab hands at gutting
0:18:50 > 0:18:53'but I was left floundering. The fish were slimier
0:18:53 > 0:18:56'than Peter Stringfellow in a sardine-skin mankini.'
0:18:58 > 0:19:00RHOD EXCLAIMS
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Ah, can't pick them.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06He's making a very late break for it, this one... Ah!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Don't laugh.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13This is really horrible, cos to get a grip on this enough to get
0:19:13 > 0:19:16the guts out, you've really got to grip onto his eyes
0:19:16 > 0:19:19and there's something about gripping onto anybody's eyes...
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- Handles.- Handles.- At least get the terminology correct.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Ah-hhh-ha.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Where do these go, where's the bin?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32You're stood in it.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36In the last 45 minutes, all of these fish have been gutted.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39It's no exaggeration to say that I did less than six.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44'While Bossy Fish Dick shot the nets for our second trawl,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47'Big John and I stored our catch. Oddly, fish that looked like
0:19:47 > 0:19:49'a dog's dinner wouldn't sell at auction
0:19:49 > 0:19:52'while ones that looked like the dog's bollocks would.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54'So we laid them out nice on ice.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57'To ensure we got the best price when I got to market
0:19:57 > 0:20:00'I'd also have to get to grips with selling my sole.'
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Welcome to Rhod Gilbert's slightly inappropriate cookery show.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06If you're cooking with fish and are not sure if it's Dover sole
0:20:06 > 0:20:08or lemon sole, just pop it against you, like that.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11If you can do that with it, that's Dover sole.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Your lemon sole, however...
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Easy way to tell the difference. - I'll remember that.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- JOHN CHUCKLES - Remember that if you're cooking sole at home.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26'It was only 11am and our second haul was in.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28'More ker-fish-ching,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30'maybe it wouldn't all be for nothing after all?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32'I was moving from deckie learner to a learned deckie.'
0:20:32 > 0:20:35That's the second time I've seen it but it's still impressive.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I am a completely different person from the one that got on this boat.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I already feel like I know what I'm looking at,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- I know what we're going to do with it.- Right. Front.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Lemon. That is a John Dory, perfectly nice one.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51You, sir, go away, grow up, come back in a few years.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55'Less than halfway through the fishing and I was already totally sea-bassed.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59'I smelt like a marine latrine and was greasier than a herring's headrest.'
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Hey, Rhod. Time to cook some lunch, mate.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03You what?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05'But despite still being all at sea
0:21:05 > 0:21:07'I wasn't feeling all at sea any more.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Oh, fuck!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12All right, Captain?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14CHUCKLING
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Wow, it's a good job he's got a nice diet, that's all I say.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20'As I spoilt my hungry seamen with tarts,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22'I finally felt like one of the crew.'
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Cheers.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- Cheers.- Good trip.- Cheers. - Here's to good fishing,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- good company. - May the next haul be favourable.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- May the next haul be our last.- Ah!
0:21:32 > 0:21:33CHUCKLING
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Well, we might just have to have one more cos you was late this morning.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Terribly late, wasn't it? When I rocked up at 4.36.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Just so late.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44'I was now a cog in a well-oiled machine,
0:21:44 > 0:21:48'eating at the captain's table. He even showed me his favourite toy.'
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I've invented a seagull scarer.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- That is a serious... - That's from the last refit.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- ..serious hi-tech bit of kit, that is.- That is hi-tech, it doesn't harm them.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- How confident are you that your seagull scarer works?- I reckon 100%.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03- 100%?- Yeah.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07All right - this was your cherry bakewell.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08I know you've had your eye on it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- I'm going to put that on the front. Have you got the faith? - Yeah. I'm ready. Right.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14RHOD CHUCKLES
0:22:14 > 0:22:18'There was no way the greedy gulls would resist my cherry-topped temptress.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22'Welcome to the Great British Beak Off.'
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Come on, seagulls!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- CHANTING:- Seagulls, seagulls, seagulls, seagulls, sea...
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Come on! There's none here. If we were in Cardiff city centre now
0:22:41 > 0:22:45we would be pestered by the things, there's none out here, is there?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48But are there any of these seagull scarers in Cardiff city centre?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50'I saw an opportunity to fast track a promotion.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53'Sod deckie learner, I had my eyes on the top prize.'
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Let's make this interesting.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- I'll play you for the hat.- Eh? - Who gets to captain this boat.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- If I win, I take over the boat. - Right.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- If you win, you get to wear the hat.- Right.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08'This was Mutiny On The Bakewell Tart.'
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Come on, seagulls!- It's cos of the scarer, it's working.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14'Oh, Mary Berry, Mutiny On The Bakewell had failed
0:23:14 > 0:23:17'but I decided to up the anchovy, cos if just one gull stuck his beak
0:23:17 > 0:23:20'into my fishy treat, I could take over,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22'turn us round and head for home.'
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- It's scaring the shit out of them already!- Go on! Go on, mate!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Go on! Oh!
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- That's it, the seagull scarer, mate...- Yes!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34..is infallible. It is infallible.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- It's incredible. - I'll wear this hat with pride.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41'With Captain Fish Dick safely at the helm our final haul was upon us
0:23:41 > 0:23:43'and it was more ker-fish-ching.'
0:23:43 > 0:23:45CHEERING
0:23:45 > 0:23:47'Sort 'em, gut 'em, wash 'em, store 'em -
0:23:47 > 0:23:50'I knew the routine by now, it was just a bloody endurance test.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53'But after three good hauls, at least we were in with a chance
0:23:53 > 0:23:55'of making some money at the auction.'
0:24:03 > 0:24:06OK, Richard, that's it, that's the washer off.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10This is the last basket of fish going down.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14They're put on ice, that's it. The fishing part is done.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Stop the clocks. A MERE 16-hour shift.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26'Our nets were up for good, all that remained was the long commute home.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29'And, apart from some seagull congestion, the traffic wasn't too bad.'
0:24:31 > 0:24:35DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:24:42 > 0:24:45'The end was in sight. As Captain Fish Dick joined me on the bow
0:24:45 > 0:24:49'and rubbed my aching nipples, I felt king of the world, whoo-hoo.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53'We'd done what we could fishing-wise, now it was down to me
0:24:53 > 0:24:56'in the auction, to sell what I could, fish-wise.'
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Oh, today has been huge graft - total uncertainty.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08So, lie here and watch dolphins as we go home.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I have to say, for one day only...
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I don't care what I get paid, I'll take that as my pay cheque.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Left at 5am this morning, it's getting on for
0:25:23 > 0:25:26nine o'clock at night now. That is a long day.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Certainly the next time I'm tucking in to a fish and chips, I think
0:25:29 > 0:25:33I'll spare a thought for the people who are out here, all day.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Possibly all night.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Possibly without getting any money for it.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Come rain, come shine, come wind, snow.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44It's not like many other jobs.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- What do your family think about you fishing?- They hate it.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- They hate it?- Yeah. Whoa!
0:26:02 > 0:26:03CHUCKLING
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Slip!- That would have been a hell of a moment for you to slide
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- over the edge!- Woof!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Beautiful sunset, John goes over the side!- Ha-ha.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I am away an awful lot.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I'm here a lot more than I'm at home
0:26:17 > 0:26:20and I miss a lot of me kids' growing up and...
0:26:20 > 0:26:22When we're in now I shall be straight to bed.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I'll be up again at half past three in the morning
0:26:25 > 0:26:27and then I'll be out there all over again.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30And I'll be doing that for the next six days.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Then I'll go home.- So you'll do six days and go home for a, sort of,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- day and a half, come back and do it all again?- Yeah.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- All year.- All year.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- I don't suppose you get this weather every day?- If it was like this
0:26:42 > 0:26:44every day, I wouldn't mind it quite as much.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47'As we bobbed back into Brixham, I was completely lobstered
0:26:47 > 0:26:50'but we still had to unload all the ruddy fish.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52'And as our catch was taken off to market,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55'I said goodbye to my wonderful partners in brine.'
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Come on.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Thanks very much for having me. - It's different, wasn't it?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Hard day. What would you estimate for a deckie learner like me,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06from that day, just as a guess - I know we won't know till tomorrow,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09till we've sold the stuff in the auction...
0:27:09 > 0:27:13If you'd had 10% on that, I reckon you'll get around about 70 quid.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- 70 quid for today?- I reckon.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- 70 quid?- See how well you do at the auction.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Yeah, the dolphins, can I have that memory or are you going to
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- take that off?- No, no...- Are you going to take that out my wages?
0:27:24 > 0:27:25No, you can have the dolphins.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I can keep the memory, can I?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29'In just five hours, they'd be doing it all again
0:27:29 > 0:27:31'and I certainly wouldn't be joining them.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34'But 6am next morning I owed it to them to get to market
0:27:34 > 0:27:36'and get the best price I could for our catch.'
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Looking at this fish now feels very strange. You feel really protective
0:27:41 > 0:27:44of it and I really want to get the best price I can for this.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I've been on the bloody boat, I've done it and that's mine.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50These traders, who've come from all over the country to buy here today
0:27:50 > 0:27:53and if they want it they're going to have to pay for it.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56'As our auction approached, Barry gave me some last-minute tips.'
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Just remember, these are here to get this from you for nothing.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- Lowest price they can. - Lowest price they can. All right.
0:28:01 > 0:28:06- It's not going to happen.- No. All right, I'll see you in a bit. - It's not going to happen, Barry.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Starting with the Gerry Ann C - we've saved the best till last,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, we worked hard yesterday.
0:28:11 > 0:28:1617 bloody hours on a shitty trawler. You ponce in here from London,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19none of you have even been on a bloody boat. Come on. £3!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I'll give you £3.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23'I'd been desperate not to let my team down and I wasn't.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26'I was converting all the money fish into money money.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30'And, more importantly, not getting mugged by the bidding sharks.'
0:28:30 > 0:28:32The gentleman in the white coat. A mix of haddock there.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Fantastic monkfish. Beautiful mix. Dabs and lemons, what a mix.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Come on, I caught these with my fair hands...
0:28:38 > 0:28:41'I'd survived. What's more, we'd had a good day
0:28:41 > 0:28:43'and I'd have earned about 70 quid.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45'But, for a deckie learner, the figures made you seasick.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48'18 hours at sea, a one-in-14 chance of drowning,
0:28:48 > 0:28:52'and on a bad day you wouldn't even make enough to get yourself fish and chips.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54'If you wanted mushy peas, you'd have to do overtime.'
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Look at these - bidding from China there, big call from China...
0:28:57 > 0:28:59- bidding on five mackerel! - LAUGHTER