0:00:02 > 0:00:03I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05People tell me I've got the toughest job in town,
0:00:05 > 0:00:08but I'm sure I'd find other things far more difficult,
0:00:08 > 0:00:09so I'm ditching my regular job
0:00:09 > 0:00:11and trying something completely different.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14This is my Work Experience and this week, I'm a journalist.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24In a few days, I'd be working on Wales's flagship TV news,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27BBC Wales Today, but the closest I've come to reporting breaking news
0:00:27 > 0:00:30is shouting, "Who's farted?" on a Megabus.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33'To start my training, I'd come to Wales's answer to Fleet Street -
0:00:33 > 0:00:35'King Street, Carmarthen -
0:00:35 > 0:00:38'my hometown, and home to Wales's oldest newspaper,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40'the Carmarthen Journal.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42'Editor Emma Bryant had agreed to give me
0:00:42 > 0:00:45'a one-day PhD in news-gathering.'
0:00:45 > 0:00:47So it's my first day as a journalist.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48What do you expect from me?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51So, we're looking for a page-one story,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54so we're chucking you in at the deep end. It's a bit of a challenge.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56The press will start tomorrow, whether we are ready or not,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and I don't want the Carmarthen Journal not to print
0:00:59 > 0:01:01for the first time in 205 years.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03'Emma was ramping up the pressure
0:01:03 > 0:01:06'but I felt about as ready to get a page-one story
0:01:06 > 0:01:08'as a horse who's just found out his ex-wife is now a Pritt Stick.'
0:01:08 > 0:01:11How do I get a story? Do you just wander around looking?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13"Oh, look, there's a dog stuck in a hedge there."
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- You know what I mean? What do you...?- Just go and find people,
0:01:15 > 0:01:17so you're going to have to get straight in there.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20"I'm looking for a story for the Journal. Anything going on?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21"Anything I need to know about?"
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- And just get it down, really. - I've never written anything,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I don't think. Not journalistic stuff.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28The simplest way for you to write the story - remember
0:01:28 > 0:01:31who, what, why, where and when.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Who, what, why, when, where.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37'The paper's record was at stake so there was no room to piss about.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38'I borrowed something called a tie,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41'as reporter Guto took me to somewhere called Lampeter.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43'If there were any dogs' bottoms sticking out of hedges,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46'it'd be my job to sniff them out.'
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Good luck finding stories here and, just remember,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51talk to as many people as you want. I'll see you back in the office.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- 4 o'clock?- 4 o'clock, see you then.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56See you, Guto.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58'It wasn't even the night before Christmas
0:01:58 > 0:02:00'and all through the place,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02'not a creature was stirring, not so much as a trace.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05'There was more life in Action Man's underpants.'
0:02:13 > 0:02:16ENGINE PURRS
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Diesel engine.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It doesn't feel like a big news day at the moment.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31'It was the slowest news day since the BBC decided to cover
0:02:31 > 0:02:34'the World Staring Championships.'
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I'm just wondering whether this is a bit of a local issue, maybe.
0:02:38 > 0:02:44"Council in white line fiasco debacle."
0:02:44 > 0:02:47"Horror"? Is "terror" too strong?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48That's all I've got so far.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Our deadline is 4 o'clock and I've got to get some bloody stories.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55'Lampeter was to news what Fred Astaire was to dancing -
0:02:55 > 0:02:56'it was dead -
0:02:56 > 0:02:59'but Emma's advice had been to talk to people so I dived in.'
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I have to get the scoop,
0:03:01 > 0:03:06front page, big story, with big photo, from Lampeter now.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09This is Lampeter. Barely anything happens here.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Has anything happened? - My friend had a baby last week.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- That's not front page, is it? - No, erm...- I'll jot it down.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I'm looking for a front-page scoop
0:03:19 > 0:03:21for the Carmarthen Journal that will wow the world.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24It's Lampeter.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31We haven't got any sex or scandal or anything.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Something must happen here. - Nothing happens here.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Nothing happens here? - Nothing. That's the whole idea.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39That's why you live here, because nothing happens here.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42This is a bloody nightmare. Absolutely nothing.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Emma was banging on about, "Who, why, when, what, where?"
0:03:45 > 0:03:47To who? No-one.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Where? Nowhere. When? Never.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51What? Nothing.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Why?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Why, indeed?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56'The saying goes that no news is good news.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58'Well, not if you're a bloody journalist, it's not.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02'I may have looked like a hack but there was hack-all going on.'
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Now, ladies, can you tell me
0:04:04 > 0:04:07anything that might be worthy of a...? Anything at all?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Actually, the church bells.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11We've been having some strange goings-on lately.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- The church - that church right there.- Yeah?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Somebody broke in and started ringing the church bells.
0:04:17 > 0:04:23"Somebody broke in and started chiming the church bells..."
0:04:23 > 0:04:24At...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26At silly o'clock in the morning.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27- "Silly o'clock"?- Yeah.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30'Saved by the bell - a quirky Quasimodo.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33'I rinsed the girls for as much detail as I could.'
0:04:33 > 0:04:34It's like a random ninja.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35"A random..."
0:04:35 > 0:04:36- Ninja.- Ninja.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- "..ninja..."- Yeah.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Do they sound like an experienced bell-ringer?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- They're giving it a good dong. - They're giving it a good dong?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- Definitely. - Let me jot that down.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45- Nice.- Lampeter's a really quiet town
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- and nobody really does anything apart from work.- Yes.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Until three o'clock in the morning,
0:04:50 > 0:04:51then it's not quiet any more.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- Yeah.- No.- No.- That's my headline - "Quiet town not quiet".
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- At three o'clock in the morning. - That'll be a good headline.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57'Oh, Sir Trevor McDonald,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59'I was ding-donging merrily on high
0:04:59 > 0:05:01'and getting the photos to prove it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03'Tersely walking as fast as my legs could carry me,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06'I Jon-Snowed it up to the church to investigate.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08'I just hoped Emma would go for my story.'
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Hi, Emma, it's Rhod. - Have you found anything?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Well, it was a fairly slow news day, it has to be said,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- but then, outside the toilets, I met two girls.- Yeah?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Hang on, it gets better, this story.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21They told me, up at the church, St Peter's church,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24there's been somebody, they reckon...
0:05:24 > 0:05:27ringing the bells at, like, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock in the morning,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29several nights last week.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30- Really?- Yeah.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Do you like this story, do you? - I really like it, yeah.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36It's very unusual. It's quirky. Yes.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I was sizzling like Peter Sissons in a griddle,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41nailing this journalism lark like a badass.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43She's holding the front page.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I've got to get back there now and talk it through with her.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48This is the buzz, man.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Back at the Journal HQ,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54the next step was to get a headline for my campanological conundrum,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56so Emma assembled a crack team to brainstorm.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01So, we need something a bit catchy, a bit clever, so any thoughts?
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Have you had any thoughts about it?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Yeah, I jotted some down in the car. - You have? All right. OK.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08"What the bell is going on?"
0:06:08 > 0:06:10We've got, "What chime do you call this?"
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"Two girls woken by mystery dong."
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- That's going to grab you, isn't it?- Absolutely.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Well, there's "bell-raiser". - Bell-raiser?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- That's good. - "Where will it all bell end?"
0:06:23 > 0:06:25No.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28"Ding-dong, the wicked witch may be dead
0:06:28 > 0:06:30"but somebody's ringing those bells."
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Maybe not.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I love "What chime do you call this?" It's brilliant.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- What about "girls woken by mystery dong"?- No.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40'My headline was sorted but I still had Adrian Chiles to do.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43'I needed to write up my unbelievable story but,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46'looking at my notes, I suddenly felt like a right Michael Buerk.'
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I can't read my own handwriting.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I don't know shorthand so I had to write it out in full,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51but my own writing is actually worse than shorthand.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I have written here, "Silly o'clock, three,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"which engaged my in the town."
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I put it down. She's going to look stupid. It doesn't make any sense.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03'I needed to get a Dermot Murnaghan
0:07:03 > 0:07:04'if I was going to make this deadline,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06'but I was having an Eddie Mair,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08'cos what I'd written was a load of Bill Turnbull.'
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"Wet wasp oven in the shop."
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Is that Welsh?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15It's supposed to be... No, it was English when I wrote it.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"He said he had seen it horse riding."
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- Had he?- I don't know.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- What does that say? - "Pineapple sermon."
0:07:24 > 0:07:25- Friends...- "Pineapple surname"?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28'As more and more of Emma's team joined in, we crowded round my notes
0:07:28 > 0:07:32'like a bunch of footballers trying to find the handle on a banana.'
0:07:32 > 0:07:33- Purple.- Purple.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34- Swarm.- Swarm.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35- Of.- Of.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Cows.- Cows.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39We need to go back to our seats now cos we're going to miss
0:07:39 > 0:07:42this deadline and we've got lots to do, please. Sorry.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43'My notepad was the worst mess since
0:07:43 > 0:07:46'Abu Hamza agreed to help catch his neighbour's budgie
0:07:46 > 0:07:48'but, with the team's expert guidance,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51'I got the page-one scoop Emma had been hoping for.'
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I'm actually quite amazed you've come back with a really good story.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- I'm amazed.- Erm, I am amazed. - Absolutely amazed.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59And good luck.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Thank you very much, Carmarthen Journal.- You're welcome.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- Wales's oldest newspaper. - Wales's oldest newspaper.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08The next day, I was buzzing like Arfon Haines Davies's fridge.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10From Lampeter to just outside Lampeter,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13my scoop was the talk of the town, and just outside the town.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14'I was ready to move to the big city,
0:08:14 > 0:08:19'and the Holy Grail for journalists around the world - BBC Wales.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22'In Cardiff, Wales Today producer Ruth Woodward
0:08:22 > 0:08:25'would put Rhod the Wonder Scoop through his paces.'
0:08:25 > 0:08:29You will hopefully be able to go out on a story
0:08:29 > 0:08:31and we'll broadcast it on Wales Today.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Part of me is filled with horror at the thought of it. The other half
0:08:34 > 0:08:37of me thinks you're going to do a really good job and you'll be grand.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39'I was feeling confident
0:08:39 > 0:08:41'but, before I could blow them all away with my own story,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43'I'd spend a day shadowing Welsh TV news legend,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45'Nick "The News" Palit.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48'While Nick cracked on with his package about cycling in Cardiff,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50'I chilled out, confident that Rhod the Scoop
0:08:50 > 0:08:52'could handle whatever was thrown at me...'
0:08:52 > 0:08:54You should have a little break.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55- It's nice coffee, this, mate.- OK.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- Have a little break. - We'll have a break.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59'..but, as I watched Nick do his stuff,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01'I realised there was more to TV news
0:09:01 > 0:09:04'than pointing at a church and making knob gags.'
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- We have to send it into the BBC server...- Yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- ..through a programme called JFE. - Yeah.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12White balance is a thing that we tend to do
0:09:12 > 0:09:14to tell the camera what is white.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17It needs to know what is white before it can know
0:09:17 > 0:09:19what any other colour is.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Well, a "SOV up" means "sound on video up".
0:09:22 > 0:09:25An OOV, another technical term - an OOV is "out of vision".
0:09:25 > 0:09:29'As a one-man news team, Nick had to master vast amounts of technology,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31'and pack his car tighter than Simon Cowell's forehead.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34'With everything from electronics to clothing,
0:09:34 > 0:09:35'it was a mobile high street.'
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Moss Bros, there, in the back.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I've got a coat, a winter coat and a jacket.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42As you can see, there's a lot of running around
0:09:42 > 0:09:44and you don't want to wear your best suit
0:09:44 > 0:09:46and, as long as this bit's respectable,
0:09:46 > 0:09:47- you should be fine.- Yeah.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Have you ever done a...?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Have you done a piece bottomless?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54There's always a first, eh?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56'Nick was a nifty news ninja
0:09:56 > 0:09:59'and I didn't have a Kate Adie what was going on.'
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I think my head's going to explode.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Oh, hang on a minute, I forgot something - helmet.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08It's a good job -
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Nick's head could have exploded as well, for different reasons.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15'On top of the technology, Nick the News Ninja was juggling
0:10:15 > 0:10:18'multiple interviews and developing his story in his head as he went.'
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Could I ask you a couple of questions?- Yes.- OK.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Just tell me why you like cycling.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I find mainly it gives me energy.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I like to start the day... I kind of wake up during my cycle.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Everything's happening in a whirlwind.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I don't know when these interviews have been arranged.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I don't know who anyone is or what their relationship to this story is.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40'I looked the part but I was no more a reporter
0:10:40 > 0:10:42'than Marilyn Manson with a saucer on his head is a mug.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44'Sensing my confusion,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46'Nick tried to help me get my Jeremy Paxmans round it all.'
0:10:46 > 0:10:49You've got to look at a news item as almost like a jigsaw puzzle.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53You're gathering interviews, actuality of people doing things...
0:10:53 > 0:10:54There might be a graphic element.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56So you're sort of making a short film, really?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Yeah, that's the way I look at it. It's really creative.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02You're only limited by your imagination and obviously by time.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04'Nick was a one-man film industry,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07'like Steven Spielberg, Clint Eastwood and Quentin Tarantino
0:11:07 > 0:11:08'all rolled into one.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10'That's right, he was Clint Spielatinoswood,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13'and I had no idea how I was going to do his job.'
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I just feel totally out of my depth.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18'I just tried to shake somebody's hand and failed.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20'When I left the Journal, I was feeling quite cocky.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22'Rhod the Scoop,'
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I was known as, briefly.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Now I feel like a total dick.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29'Like a man with haemorrhoids
0:11:29 > 0:11:30'applying for a job in a seesaw factory,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33'I was already having second thoughts about the whole thing,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36'and when Clint Spielatinoswood took me back to the BBC,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38'I realised I hadn't seen the half of it.'
0:11:38 > 0:11:39When you walk into this newsroom,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41it's very pressured and very stressed.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Everything is deadline, deadline, deadline, driven,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and then Nick rushes around all day
0:11:47 > 0:11:49and types this up with one finger.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51NICK CHUCKLES
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Big on the old "thumbing on the space-bar", I notice.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57It's all calloused, that one finger.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- It's twice the size of the others. - It is.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02'To say Nick had a busy day would be the greatest understatement
0:12:02 > 0:12:05'since Mary told Joseph there was someone else.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07'He still had to edit the footage, write the story, find music
0:12:07 > 0:12:10'and graphics to bring it to life, and all in just two hours,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12'and I wasn't sure I was helping.'
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Erm, I like to start the day...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I kind of wake up during my cycle to work.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Shouldn't be setting off asleep,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- should she?- Nothing really puts me off. I feel quite safe...
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Always make sure you wake up before you get on your bike, kids.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27You're like Lance Armstrong without the drugs.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29What you mean "without the drugs"?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Like Lance Armstrong on Night Nurse. - 'The pollutants...'
0:12:31 > 0:12:33'When Nick started out in news,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35'Jesus was still offering lepers E45 cream
0:12:35 > 0:12:38'and you could hear those years of experience in his voice.'
0:12:38 > 0:12:42'This survey, I do worry about the vulnerability to oncoming traffic
0:12:42 > 0:12:45'and, of course, the pollutants that I might be breathing in.'
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Oh, you've got that news voice.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49'And, of course, the pollutants
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- 'I might be breathing in.' - Pollutants...breathing in.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Full stop.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- You didn't say "full stop". - No, I didn't.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Didn't need to.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- How long did it take you to get that news voice?- Oh, a lifetime.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Was it?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Are you doing it now or not?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05For television... I probably am, aren't I?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- You can't get out of it, can you? - I can't.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Do you go home with it? - I speak like that at home.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I say, "Tonight, my darling, I would like lasagne and chips for tea."
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- And of course.- And of course.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16'We'd moved into the final stage,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19'working with this editor woman to add the finishing touches.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21'Less than 40 minutes to go to broadcast
0:13:21 > 0:13:24'and Clint Spielatinoswood was about to blow my mind.'
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I wanted to have the, sort of,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- frothy coffee noise. - MILK HISSES
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Just a bit of that before he starts talking, yeah?- Oh, that does work.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33It gives it immediate flavour.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Coffee.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Milk.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41We always try and get what we call natural sound on various things,
0:13:41 > 0:13:42just to, sort of, punctuate...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44You have certainly punctuated the atmos there.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46You've frothed it right up.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48You've frothed up your package.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I know what I want to end the piece on, I forgot to tell you -
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- probably put some bells ringing. - Ring, ring.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- So, can we put that at the end of the piece?- Oh, OK.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57BELL RINGS Boy, oh, boy.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You're going to over-froth this package if you're not careful.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02BELL RINGS That bell on the end.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Bell-end.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06'My pathetic sense of humour was catching
0:14:06 > 0:14:08'and, if I'd suspected Nick was really good at this,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11'I Gavin Hewitt now.'
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I can't stop staring at you, Nick.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- 'The pedal-power paradox...' - The presence of greatness.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- He drinks normal coffees.- Yup.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23'With national broadcast just minutes away,
0:14:23 > 0:14:27'Nick was as calm as George Osborne pushing a cow off a cliff.'
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- How long before it goes live? - 17 1/2 minutes.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32And this is normal, is it, to be still working on it?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Oh, yeah, we've got plenty of time.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36HE MOUTHS
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Take a sip of your normal coffee now, just to emphasise the point.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- Mmm.- That's normal, that is.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Normal coffee like you and me would drink.- That's what you think.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Like normal people would...
0:14:46 > 0:14:49'With Wales Today about to TX and Nick's package frothed
0:14:49 > 0:14:51and dusted with sound effects,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54we Fiona Bruced it down to the gallery to watch it go out live.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Bike-friendly cities. Well, our reporter Nick Palit has taken to...
0:14:58 > 0:15:01'Nick was to news what David Cameron was to a pig's head.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03'He knew it inside out.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06'In the space of a few hours, the package-frother extraordinaire
0:15:06 > 0:15:08'had taken a few facts and figures about cycling
0:15:08 > 0:15:11'and created an informative short film for that evening's news.'
0:15:11 > 0:15:13BELL RINGS
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Nick Palit reporting there. Now...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- Happy with Nick's... - Piece?- ..package?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- I was very happy. - Didn't mind the bell on the end?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I was very pleased with this report, thank you very much.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Are you hopeful that we're going to see a Rhod Gilbert report
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- on the national news? - No, I'm...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37No. I just don't know what the hell...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40how the hell I'm going to take this on to the next level.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43'I was dangling by the Naga Munchettys,
0:15:43 > 0:15:44'but I had no time to think about it.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47'As a new journalist, I could be sent anywhere so, first,
0:15:47 > 0:15:48I went to Hereford,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52where hostile environment expert Stephen Cook would turn me into
0:15:52 > 0:15:55a cross between Nicholas Witchell and Jean-Claude Van Damme.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57As a journalist, what do I need to be thinking about?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59If you were interviewing me now
0:15:59 > 0:16:02and, potentially, I am somebody who is likely to become aggressive,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05do you think this is a good position to be in?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I don't know, I wouldn't have thought about it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Exactly, exactly. - Where should I be? Under the table?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Well, no, the point is,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- I can get hands on you there. - Hiding under the table?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- I mean, who else is in the room? Do they have weapons?- I don't know.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17What's going on outside of that building?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- How would you close down the interview?- I don't know.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23How do you tell if that person's aggressive or agitated
0:16:23 > 0:16:26or not happy with your questioning technique, OK?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- What guarantees have we got when we get to Baghdad?- I don't know.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31'As Steve talked me through the challenging scenarios
0:16:31 > 0:16:34'a reporter can wind up in, I was getting increasingly anxious
0:16:34 > 0:16:35'and things were about to get worse
0:16:35 > 0:16:38'when he sent me outside to learn some self-defence
0:16:38 > 0:16:40'with coked-up cockney Nutribullet Jonah.'
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- How are you doing, mate?- Ah!- Amend that position. Please don't hurt me!
0:16:43 > 0:16:44- Bang!- Ah!- What's the matter?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Are you all right, mate? - For fuck's sake, man!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Because you've got a beard, I can...- Ah!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I'll just give you a little bit of slight discomfort, yeah?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- OK? Here, watch.- Ah!- OK, so...
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- "Slight discomfort", you said! - Go on, go on, go, go.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Get your own back!- No, no, I don't want to get my own back.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- I want a cup of tea... - Come on, you fucking love it!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- Come on, come on. - ..and a piece of cake.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04'Jonah floated like a butterfly
0:17:04 > 0:17:07'and stung like Dettol on a punctured nutsack.'
0:17:07 > 0:17:09You've got loads of pressure points here.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10You can touch them, you can finger me.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- I'm not fingering you!- Come on!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14RHOD SHOUTS ANGRILY
0:17:14 > 0:17:17OK, so this is a good thing, we've got a hat here.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19'After ten minutes of trauma,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22'I realised he'd been fingering the wrong bloke - someone called Rob.'
0:17:22 > 0:17:25So we're kicking. You're going to get me back, Rob.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- You're going to kick here.- It's Rhod!- So I'll be like there, bang!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- You're doing it to the wrong person! - Sorry, yeah.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Are you waiting for somebody called Rob?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36The lesson of this is always give your name clearly on reception
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- when you turn up... - What are you doing? Come on!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43'I was to self-defence what a Scotch egg
0:17:43 > 0:17:45'and a breadstick are to championship snooker,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48'but, if I thought Hurricane Jonah was an ordeal,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50'the role-play Steve had lined up next
0:17:50 > 0:17:52'took me to another level of discomfort.'
0:17:52 > 0:17:55All our scenarios are based around factual events.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57We are going to be using actors.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59There will possibly be pyrotechnics.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00STEVE LAUGHS
0:18:00 > 0:18:03'I was heading to a simulated war zone
0:18:03 > 0:18:07'as a simulated journalist to interview some simulated refugees.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09'Despite the obvious gravity of the simulated situation,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11'role-play always makes me acutely embarrassed
0:18:11 > 0:18:13'and I was struggling to take it seriously.'
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Have you travelled far?- I've come from Wales. Do you know it?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Ryan Giggs.- Sheep.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Sheep and Ryan Giggs.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Aled Jones. You know The Snowman?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25# We're walking in the air... #
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You know?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30'Of course, situations like this in real life are horrifying,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33'but, while I was doing my best, this play acting just felt so weird.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34'I didn't know how to deal with it.'
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- My name is Rhod. I'm a journalist. - Why are you here?
0:18:38 > 0:18:42- To tell the world your story, your suffering.- You want a chair?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Oh, yes, should I take a chair? - You are British?- British, yes.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Ryan Giggs.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48- B&Q.- B&Q.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Ah, the chair, yes, sorry.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I thought you were just listing references.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54'But if I had been struggling to take it seriously,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57'moments later, the role-play gave me a stark reality check.'
0:18:57 > 0:18:58EXPLOSION
0:18:58 > 0:19:01SCREAMING
0:19:01 > 0:19:04SCREAMING AND EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Help them!- Help them?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I'm not sure if I'm supposed to help you or...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15SHOUTING
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I don't know what the hell is going on. I was not prepared for that.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29I've left my camcorder there and even though I only saw his feet,
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I know that was bloody Jonah, the one who kicked me off the chair!
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Oh, no!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Oh, not again!- What do you need me to do?- Thomas, do something.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42'I'd gone into this simulated situation pretty flippantly,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45'but the intensely uncomfortable experience had given me some insight
0:19:45 > 0:19:49'into aspects of the news industry I hadn't given much thought to.'
0:19:49 > 0:19:53It made you imagine and wonder, my God,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56the situations journalists put themselves in.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57I'm hoping that BBC Wales
0:19:57 > 0:20:01aren't going to put me in a warzone on day one.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Obviously, joking aside, it's not for me.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09'The next day, I John Sucheted over to BBC Wales
0:20:09 > 0:20:12for my big day in TV news.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13'My first job was to find out
0:20:13 > 0:20:16'what my story was going to be from producer Ruth.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17'After my hostile environment training,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20'I was anxious about what might lie ahead.'
0:20:20 > 0:20:23The story I'd like you to have a look at today is based
0:20:23 > 0:20:25on some research that's published about motorists
0:20:25 > 0:20:30and how road signs can often cause confusion to people.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34'Road signs - thank Alastair Burnet for that! I was very relieved.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37'But to put any kind of package together,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40'I still had a mountain to climb and only eight hours to climb it.'
0:20:40 > 0:20:42It's really important that you let me know
0:20:42 > 0:20:45if you've got any problems because if this report
0:20:45 > 0:20:49isn't going to be broadcastable, then I'm going to need a plan B.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I don't want to end up, at the end of the day,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53with a big black hole in my programme.
0:20:57 > 0:21:03I've got to try to get a package on the news tonight about road signs.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I've got one day to try and put it together.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I know!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I can't get this look off my face.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24'Come six o'clock, if Ruth's still in a big black hole,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26'I'd be getting it right in the John Humphrys.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29'But I have an idea cos, as luck would have it,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32'I knew the perfect place to start my road signs story.'
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Why is everything so much harder
0:21:34 > 0:21:36when you're just panicking and in a rush?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39God, I wish Steven Spielnick was here now.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41'Getting to grips with the camera technology,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43'it was time to think about my script
0:21:43 > 0:21:46'and try out my new news voice.'
0:21:46 > 0:21:48This quirky Cardiff landmark,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51known locally as the Magic Roundabout - is it...
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Oh, Jesus!
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Known locally as the Magic Roundabout,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58to some an art installation.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I sound like David...Attenborough now.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02It's just a roundabout, it's not a silverback.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Known locally as the Magic Roundabout... Rounamout?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Aaaah!
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Whether they're a help
0:22:09 > 0:22:11or a hindrance to Welsh motorists today...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12DRIVER SHOUTS
0:22:12 > 0:22:15This... CAR HORN TOOTS
0:22:15 > 0:22:16CAR HORN TOOTS Yes!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Everybody stop tooting!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20CAR HORN TOOTS Yeah, fuck off.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22'At this rate, Ruth was going to be
0:22:22 > 0:22:24'serving me my Jason Mohammads on a plate.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27'It had taken me half an hour to get a usable take.'
0:22:27 > 0:22:33But is it a metaphor for widespread public confusion on our roads?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38God, I've got a boner. Full boner.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45'Journalists rely on their sources.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47'I had a fridge full of them,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50'but that didn't make me John Simpson so I headed
0:22:50 > 0:22:51'to nearby Cowbridge High Street
0:22:51 > 0:22:54'to check out the public's grasp of road signs.'
0:22:54 > 0:22:56We're a bit far away, aren't we?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Let's come in a bit. Come in a bit. What about there?
0:22:59 > 0:23:00You're too short.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Are we going to...? Shall I come down to you?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Can you come up? No, you can't come up.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08'Nick the News Ninja had made the technical side of filming look easy,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10'but with that big black hole looming over me,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12'I was making rookie mistakes.'
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- I wasn't expecting this. - I'll put those down there. No...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Nobody expects this.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I've done one that way. Variety.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22If I can ask you to just come forward a little bit.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I'm going to press record there. We're all recording.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27And if you can direct your answers to me. OK.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Are you a motorist? - No, I'm not, actually. No.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- You don't drive?- No. So that's no good, is it?
0:23:33 > 0:23:38- You should have asked that first! - Cut!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Sorry, Pam.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46That's a waste of everybody's time. Sorry about that, Pam.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51'With the clock ticking,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54'I'd set up an interview with a driving instructor,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57'to get the opinion of someone who I at least knew definitely had a car.'
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Roll With Rhod. Oh, you're a Rhod.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03I don't think I've ever met another Rhod. I was going to say there's not many of us left then.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05I don't know why I was going to say that.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08'With Rhod's flash learner car, I saw a chance
0:24:08 > 0:24:11'to froth up my package, but without Nick on hand to show me
0:24:11 > 0:24:13'the Kate Garraway, I was struggling.'
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I don't really know what I'm doing, if I'm honest. But when I was watching Nick, he was
0:24:17 > 0:24:21getting shots of people's feet and the... Get your feet, Rhod. A nice one on your feet there.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I don't know what I'm doing. I just... Bit of car.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26'With my deadline fast approaching,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30'I was barging round the streets like an escaped monkey on a ferry.'
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Do you know what that sign means? No idea?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Horse and carriage in the road. OK. Thank you.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37I'm running out of time.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41I've got to get back to BBC Wales, but I think I'm running late.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- How did it go?- I don't know.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- How are you feeling? I don't know. Did you manage to get people to talk to you?- I don't know.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- You must have done. You must have been doing something all day.- I got people to talk to me, yeah.- Yeah?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I have been doing something all day. I'm just not sure what.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06'The job was half done. I had a whole film load of turd on camera
0:25:06 > 0:25:10'and just two hours to polish it into something the BBC Wales
0:25:10 > 0:25:13'audience could digest at tea time. Luckily, Nick Spielnick was on hand to help.'
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- Do you want me to type? - It's today's news, you know? It's not the end of year round up.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Very, very fast fingers. Fast Fingered Nick, they call me. - They don't.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23They call you Steven Spielnick, as you know.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27'Our deadline was coming at us like Krishnan Guru-Murthy on a segway.'
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- Do you think Ruth is going to be happy with this?- Um...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34She can be ruthless.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Ironically.- Ironically. Yeah.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40'As we hurriedly stitched my package together,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43'I still needed to know what Nick would make of my news voice.'
0:25:43 > 0:25:46I think you've mastered that. You've nailed it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51- I can't help but sound like I'm taking the piss.- You are!- I'm not!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I'm not. I'm trying to do a Nick Palit.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58It's hoped any changes will put an end to motorists' confusion.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Let's hope so!
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Boner time! Let's get it on, Nick!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14'With just minutes to spare, we ran in to see this editor bloke.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18'I was feeling pretty confident that my package tasted like coffee
0:26:18 > 0:26:20'but with no time to froth it up, it was never going to be
0:26:20 > 0:26:22'a package-cino.'
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I don't think we've got anything as frothy as your froth.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29It's a reasonable thing though, that you after 27 years, you can froth.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Me on my first day...
0:26:30 > 0:26:33It was certainly confusing in Cowbridge today...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- Decaf froth.- Decaf Mellow Birds is what I've come up with.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38If I can get a Mellow Birds out on time, I'm happy.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Other chicory drinks are available.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44'With the news just moments away, Ruthless Ruth arrived.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46'Either I'd created an informative piece on road signs,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49'or Nick was going to have to don a spangly costume
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- 'for the TV debut of his one-finger typing showstopper.' - Um... I mean... You know,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57fair play, especially doing pieces to camera, it's really...
0:26:57 > 0:27:00You know, quite accomplished. I'm quite impressed.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04I am very relieved. We've had it okayed.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06There's only one added complication now.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Ruth's asked me to go on live to talk about doing my work
0:27:10 > 0:27:13experience here and talk about making this package for them.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21You can probably tell, I'm having my make up done.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25If you can't tell that, you really shouldn't be doing this programme.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29'Live TV is terrifying at the best of times, but when it's sprung on you last minute
0:27:29 > 0:27:32'and you're totally unprepared, with no idea what questions you're going
0:27:32 > 0:27:36'to be asked or what you're going to say, it's a potential minefield.'
0:27:36 > 0:27:38(I don't like live TV.)
0:27:38 > 0:27:42(I have weird compulsive urges to wreck it.)
0:27:42 > 0:27:45(This is tea time news. I've got to remember that.)
0:27:45 > 0:27:47(Yes, you do! No swearing!)
0:27:47 > 0:27:48(No swearing.)
0:27:48 > 0:27:53(I'm not going to swear, as long as Lucy the presenter doesn't swear.)
0:27:53 > 0:27:55(You're making me really nervous now.)
0:28:01 > 0:28:03This quirky Cardiff landmark...
0:28:03 > 0:28:07'With Nick's help, the whole nation had seen my frothy package filling Ruth's big black hole.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- I'm asking you, what does that sign mean?- What does it say?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Well, it's no go area, but I'm not sure where.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17'I'd been run ragged all day and was just as shocked as anyone that I'd managed to pull it off.'
0:28:17 > 0:28:22- How did you find being a reporter at Wales Today?- Awful!- Really?
0:28:22 > 0:28:23'We'd got through it.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26'And most importantly, I hadn't sworn on live TV.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29'Ruthless Ruth and the team breathed a massive sigh of relief,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31'as the professionals took control once more.'
0:28:31 > 0:28:34It's quite timely as well, as the cocks...
0:28:34 > 0:28:36The clocks go back an hour this weekend.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38'Oh, dear. Sue's little boobs... Sorry, boob.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41'Just goes to show, even a team that have clocked up
0:28:41 > 0:28:44'thousands of news reports can still clock up on the night.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47'When the arse... Sorry, pressure is on, anything can bollocks...
0:28:47 > 0:28:49'I mean happen.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50'Joking aside, Ruth, Nick
0:28:50 > 0:28:52'and the team worked incredibly smoothly in the most
0:28:52 > 0:28:57'pressured conditions and I, for one, was hugely impressed with them.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00'This is Rhod Gilbert, BBC Wales, Muff Dive.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02'I mean, good night!'