0:00:02 > 0:00:03I'm Rhod Gilbert - stand-up comedian.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05People tell me I've got the toughest job in town
0:00:05 > 0:00:08but I'm sure I'd find other things far more difficult.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09So I'm ditching my regular job
0:00:09 > 0:00:11and trying something completely different.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13This is my Work Experience.
0:00:13 > 0:00:19This programme contains strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:21And this week, I'm a Rugby Coach.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I've been told to come down to
0:00:23 > 0:00:25the Welsh Rugby Union's
0:00:25 > 0:00:27National Centre of Excellence,
0:00:27 > 0:00:31which is ironic because I played rugby for 15 years
0:00:31 > 0:00:33and didn't score a single point.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36I had the worst record since Shaddup You Face
0:00:36 > 0:00:38but if there was a rugby coach hiding inside me,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41they'd bend me over and scrummage it out of me right here.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44This is the classroom.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48I think my first challenge is getting as far as the class.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50The reason I was so bad at rugby
0:00:50 > 0:00:54was that I didn't have a clue what was going on.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I didn't understand the game at all
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and somehow, for 15 years, nobody noticed.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03But I think, the National Centre of Excellence, they might just spot it.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Hi, Rhod, welcome.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10My name is Jon Evans and welcome to WRU Coaching Children's Rugby Award.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Children.- Afraid so, sir.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15You could fit everything I know about rugby on
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Martin Johnson's johnson, but at least I'd only be coaching kids.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21What do you see coaching as?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I see coaching as partnering with individuals in a thought-provoking
0:01:24 > 0:01:27and creative process that inspires them to maximise
0:01:27 > 0:01:29their personal and professional potential.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I don't know about you guys, that's just my...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33THEY LAUGH ..that's my personal take on it,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- Jon, that is. - Glad we're on the same page.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39So, Rhod, I see coaching as partnering with individuals...
0:01:39 > 0:01:40By a strange coincidence,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43my ideas on coaching kids matched the Welsh Rugby Union's
0:01:43 > 0:01:44word for word.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49But as the day went on, it was clear I had a lot to learn.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52These are the attributes that you need to have to be a good coach.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54You have to be a leader,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57you have to be organised and you have to motivate your players.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02You have to be more of a role model, enable them to be decision-makers...
0:02:02 > 0:02:05In that case, Jon, me and my team are up shit creek...
0:02:05 > 0:02:09..and most of all, be able to develop their skills.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10..sans paddle.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Role model, leader - I was going to have to be a cross between
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Warren Gatland and Nelson Mandela.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Warren Mandelson.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I'm supposed to be a role model
0:02:20 > 0:02:22cos they're going to be watching everything and learning from me
0:02:22 > 0:02:25and I have to be motivating and positive and...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27That's not going to come naturally.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Things didn't improve when Jon stuck me on his gimp lead.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33His techniques were a cross between bondage and Crufts
0:02:33 > 0:02:34but he also had some handy tools
0:02:34 > 0:02:37to help with my personal creative thingy.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40The Welsh Rugby Union have come up with an acronym
0:02:40 > 0:02:44and what we call it is APES, OK, so whenever we deliver a session,
0:02:44 > 0:02:48it's got to be Active, Purposeful, Enjoyable, Safe.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52So it's a nice, easy acronym for us to be remember, OK - APES.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And it rolls off the tongue.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I'd find it easier if it was Purposeful, Enjoyable, Active, Safe.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01PEAS is easier than APES, isn't it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03THEY LAUGH
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Peas roll off the tongue far better than an ape would.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07THEY LAUGH
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I was doing badly on the theory
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and I already knew I was crap at the practical side
0:03:13 > 0:03:15but in the kids' tag game, there's no tackling
0:03:15 > 0:03:18and with no fear of being snapped in two like a runt Twiglet,
0:03:18 > 0:03:19I was flying.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23My team started winning until Jon brought me down with a bump.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I noticed you were keeping score.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Is it important that we actually find a winner?
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Well,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I would say yes but I can tell by your face that the answer
0:03:33 > 0:03:34is no, it's not that important.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37It's not important, is it, because it's all about the taking part.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I know it's a very old cliche
0:03:39 > 0:03:42but as long as the kids are having fun, that is the winner
0:03:42 > 0:03:46as far as we're concerned because it's enjoying that game of rugby.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Bollocks.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- What can you say? - Oh, well, ping my jockstrap.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56I'd scored the first points of my career and had a bloody row for it.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59But for the first time in my life, I was a bona fide point scorer
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and no way was Jon going to piss on my parade.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04But moments later, Jon pissed on my parade.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07He wanted to test my coaching skills and drop kick me
0:04:07 > 0:04:11right in the deep end with the elite Welsh women's national squad.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Rhod now is going to deliver a session to you
0:04:13 > 0:04:17and looking at the As and Ds and looking at lateral pass, OK?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I'm going to hand you over to Rhod.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Great, good work, everyone.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23THEY LAUGH
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Er...
0:04:24 > 0:04:28So, erm, passing, yeah?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30It's cool, isn't it?
0:04:30 > 0:04:31With an elite team,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34my fledgling confidence was quickly booted into touch.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36This was a different ballgame.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Well, it was the same ballgame, but at a very different level.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Like Noel Edmonds standing on a shagpile carpet,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I was totally out of my depth.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Good work.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46It is very difficult to be authoritative
0:04:46 > 0:04:48when you don't know what's going on.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I've got to just try and look commanding.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Just get warmed up, let's just get it running through the line, across.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Nice and... Stay deep.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Thankfully, they knew exactly what they were doing
0:04:57 > 0:05:00cos I was flailing around like a cow trying to get in a dingy,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03until I inadvertently stumbled on a foolproof strategy.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Good work.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05That's it.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Good work. That's it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11That's all you have to do - shout, "Good work, that's it." Watch this.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Good work. That's it. Good work.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14I knew nothing
0:05:14 > 0:05:17but by shouting random positive stuff, nobody was noticing,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20so I started mowing them down like Clive Woodward
0:05:20 > 0:05:22with a pump action compliment gun.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Incredible.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Fantastic.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Oh, simply wonderful. Five stars.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30A thrilling must-see.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Good work. That's it.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Good work.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I think that went really well.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You're supposed to pull us all in and talk about the drill -
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- what went right and what went wrong. - OK. Everyone in, then.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE AND PLAYERS GROAN
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Good drill, everyone.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51What can we improve on?
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Erm...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Just the running and passing and stuff.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Scrum pox. I'd been rumbled.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I was to coaching elite rugby what disposable paper underpants are
0:06:03 > 0:06:04to high diving.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06But I did get a few more tips.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09You just need to coach a bit more rather than shouting out
0:06:09 > 0:06:12random words, so things like, you know, hands up and follow through.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Be a bit more specific.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I left the girls following through.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20The day had been a mixed bag but I'd completed the course
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and Jon gave me a coaching placement.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25What we've got for you next planned, then, is you're going to go down to
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Whitland and you're going to coach the Under 8s down there.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31What lessons are you going to take down to Whitland?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34It's about the taking part, we've got to build their skills
0:06:34 > 0:06:36and it's not about the winning at all...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It'd be nice, though, wouldn't it?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40It'd be nice to come home with that trophy.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42What trophy?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I'll bring a trophy.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48A few days later, I winged it down to Whitland in Carmarthenshire.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I had been exposed at elite level
0:06:50 > 0:06:52but I was still sure I'd know more than a bunch of toddlers.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Before I got stuck in, club chairman Jason Bowen met me
0:06:55 > 0:06:58in the middle of a field to give me the lowdown.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02In about two weeks' time, we have a Festival of Rugby here in Whitland.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Festival.- A festival, yeah.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08This was the area's biggest kids rugby event,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12an annual non-competitive brat-fest with hundreds of mini rugby scrotes
0:07:12 > 0:07:15rocking up to have fun, but definitely not win.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16This year, Whitland were hosts
0:07:16 > 0:07:20and Jason would be fly-tipping his Under 8s into my care tonight.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23My plan tonight is to try to get them listening to me
0:07:23 > 0:07:26and try and start running through some of these moves
0:07:26 > 0:07:28and trying to advance them in their personal
0:07:28 > 0:07:32and professional potential in thought-provoking, creative ways.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I knew nothing about under 8s.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36To me, they're mints you have early in the evening.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38And I hadn't had any time to do any coaching plans
0:07:38 > 0:07:41but I was sure I could show these rusk-munchers a thing or two.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I'd be taking over from their beloved coach, Simon,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47and with a few weeks until the festival, I was feeling good.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- I'm your new coach. Hello. KIDS:- Hello.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Hello. Hello.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Where should I stand, here?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Erm, there.- Here, is it? - No, forward.- Forward?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- A bit forward, there?- There. - Right, OK, now, what do I do?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Pass the ball to us? - Do I tell you what to do?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- What's your name?- Sophie.- Sophie.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07With Sophie's help, I was off to a cracking start.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Time to partner with individuals...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12SPEAKS VERY FAST: ..in a thought-provoking and creative process
0:08:12 > 0:08:15that would inspire them to maximise their personal and professional potential.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Who wants a game of Rats And Rabbits?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I was winging it and they loved this game we'd never heard of.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22As their role model and leader,
0:08:22 > 0:08:26it was time to knock this ropey regiment of rodents into shape.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Rats And Rabbits, it says... - Can you explain it, please?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Yes, I'm going to explain it, Sophie,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32if you'd just give me a second.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34..for Rats And Rabbits.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38We don't understand the game!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I'm trying to explain it, if you'd all just shut up.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45You're boring and you can't explain anything.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I'm trying to explain it! I can't explain it when you're all...
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Oh, God.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Jock rot. Eight minutes in and it was carnage.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I was already regretting not planning things out in advance.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I think I'm lacking a bit of gravitas.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Sophie has just taken control.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05This is what happens in societies.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07This is like Lord Of The Flies.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- I've got an idea.- What? - A different game.- A different game.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Rugby know-it-all Sophie was a pint-sized punnet of precociousness.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Her superior coaching skills were making me look a right flanker.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Everybody else will run, they have to tag them
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and then once they get to the other side,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26if someone's tagged the other person,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29then they are with the other person.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- What?- If you don't get it, ask Simon.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Give me a cheer if you understand this game, Bulldogs?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39THE KIDS CHEER
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Carry on, then.
0:09:40 > 0:09:4213 minutes into my career as a coach,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I'd been relegated to assistant coach by a seven-year-old.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Tell us when to go.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48On your marks...
0:09:50 > 0:09:53..get set...
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Just say go!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- I'm not...- Just please, say go, OK?
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Go!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Sophie may have been wearing shorts
0:09:59 > 0:10:01but she was clearly wearing the trousers.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02In the absence of any plan,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I resorted to my shouting-positive-stuff technique
0:10:04 > 0:10:06while she did the coaching.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Good work. That's it.- It's not supposed to be with the ball.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Good wo... Oh, isn't it?- No.- Oh.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Come on, you should know this, guys.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15There is no ball in Bulldogs, is there?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Do you think I'm doing a good job? - No.- Why not?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Cos you don't know anything.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21You don't know even what Bulldogs is
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- and everybody knows what Bulldogs is.- Watch this.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Let's have the ball, then, please.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26My initial confidence gone,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28my head was spinning like a rat on a ceiling fan
0:10:28 > 0:10:31and moving on to tag rugby, Genghis Sophie was losing patience.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Now, we need to play the game properly.- I'm trying to.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- But they won't play the game properly.- I know they won't.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39So you need to get them to play the game properly.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40- Just shout at them.- Shout at them.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Right, that's it. I'm doing it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Why won't you play this game?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I had less authority than a retired lollipop man, and
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Whitland's answer to Bart Simpson - Richard - was taking full advantage.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53You just kicked me in the leg.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56If somebody kicks me in the shin really hard, deliberately,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- I will put you on a yellow card. - What's the red card for?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- If it's like that...- No, even if it's like that, Richard.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03But I'm glad you're interested in the technicalities
0:11:03 > 0:11:05of how hard you kick me.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06RICHARD SHOUTS
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Even in my kit, I was no more a coach
0:11:08 > 0:11:10than Chris Tarrant in a wheelbarrow is Boadicea.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What does that even mean?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16It means you are sent off forever. Got to go on a red, Richard.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Apart from them throwing grass directly at my face,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21kicking me really hard in the shins and tremendous insubordination
0:11:21 > 0:11:24from Sophie, apart from that, it's going quite well.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27My gangly gaggle of cheeky shitsters had me by the driving mauls
0:11:27 > 0:11:31and Genghis Sophie was the first to mention the elephant on the pitch.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34It's... You're not like Simon. Simon...
0:11:34 > 0:11:37IN A MOCKING VOICE: Oh, Simon. Where's Simon? I want Simon.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Simon is the bestest coach in the world.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- No, he's not. ALL:- Yes, he is!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- No, he's not. ALL:- Yes, he is!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45No, he's not...
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Simon was their hero.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47So much sun shone out of his arse,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49you could grow tomatoes in his underpants.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52So pooh-poohing him didn't go down well.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56You are not anything like a good coach.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Guys, put your hands up if you think he is being a good coach.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03THE KIDS SHOUT
0:12:03 > 0:12:06We want Simon back. We want Simon back.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09THE KIDS CHANT "SIMON!" AND RHOD LAUGHS
0:12:12 > 0:12:14THEY CONTINUE TO CHANT "SIMON!"
0:12:15 > 0:12:17# Nobody knows
0:12:17 > 0:12:19# The trouble I've seen... #
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Rip his stuff up!
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Rip it all up!- Yes, I know, you're going to rip it all up.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26# Nobody knows my sorrow... #
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I know why you're rubbish, cos you haven't teached us a lot today
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- cos you're dumb. - THE KIDS LAUGH
0:12:34 > 0:12:36You're not a coach.
0:12:36 > 0:12:42# Glory hallelujah. #
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I think you know when your coaching days are over, when your pupils have
0:12:45 > 0:12:47ripped your teaching materials to shreds in your face.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Rhod?- Yes?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51You can be a good coach, you just have to prove it.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Can I, Sophie?- Yes.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Do you believe in me?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Yes.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Thanks, Sophie. - Get them playing rugby properly.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04It's not just this silly game...
0:13:06 > 0:13:07..cos it is a bit annoying.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09We need to play stuff like tag.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Do you think I will be ever as good as your coach, Simon?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14No-one is ever going to be better than him.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19- Really?- But you might be the second best if you try harder.- OK.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21My empty coaching plans lay in shreds,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Sophie's coaching skills had exposed all my failings.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I wasn't even fit to rub suntan oil on Simon's bottom.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31How was I going to lead this team to anything?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33St Simon was more popular than Father Christmas.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37If I had any chance of replacing him, I had to do something drastic.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39My rescue plan involved a local fun park
0:13:39 > 0:13:42and some industrial-scale bribery.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I think I've got some serious bridges to build
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and today, it's going to be about team-building,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49just getting them to like me.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Slowcoach.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55I'll finally show them fun.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Sophie was no taller than a grilled tomato
0:13:57 > 0:14:00but threw her weight around like a full cooked breakfast.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04To coach this team, I had to get her to accept me as leader.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06We are going to take things up a gear now, Sophie.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I'm the coach, you're my assistant coach.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11It's very important that you trust me and you listen every word I say
0:14:11 > 0:14:14so to make things a bit more interesting, you are going to drive
0:14:14 > 0:14:17now blindfolded, so you won't be able to see anything
0:14:17 > 0:14:21and you have to listen to my voice and take my instruction, OK?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Put it on, put that on now.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- Right.- Yeah.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Hang on a second, Kai, this is a very tense moment.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29You stand back now, Kai, this could go horribly wrong.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31If I say, left, go left, go right, right?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Say, "Yes, coach."- Yes, coach.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Right, OK, let's set off, then.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37That's it, good.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Left, left, left, left. Hard as you can, left.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You're going left, that's it. No, you are going le... Oh, you're going left.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Turn right a bit. Oh!
0:14:44 > 0:14:45It's not easy, this, is it?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47My plan to force Sophie into second-in-command
0:14:47 > 0:14:50was the best idea since Noah took poo bags on his Ark.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52After this, she'd look up to me like a god.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Do you have more confidence in me now as coach?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00No.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04SHE SIGHS
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Good work.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Oh, my aching scrum cap.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Now, my rescue plan needed rescuing.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I'd driven Sophie - or at least navigated her - to a nervous breakdown.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I had to have her backing, so I let her get revenge.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18That's it, good work.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I have let them absolutely soak me right through to my pants.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25If they don't think I'm the best coach in the world after this,
0:15:25 > 0:15:26I give up.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29It was a pathetic attempt to get Sophie back on side
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and Bart Simpson, sorry, Richard, was keen to know if it had worked.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Good work.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Does Sophie like you now?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Yeah, she likes me now, we're friends now.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Do you like me now, Richard? - I hate you.- You hate me? OK.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Still a bit of work to do there.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Apart from Bart Richardson's open hatred, my plan was working well,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49and I even started sneaking in some rugby coaching.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Rugby is a contact sport, guys.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Take the knocks and once you're down, you've got to get up quickly.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Come on, Sophie. - It won't go.- It won't go.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Come on, Rhod, what are you doing?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I think it is just my body weight and gravity.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Good work. That's it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07As I cunningly wormed my way into their affections with more
0:16:07 > 0:16:10and more fun, it wasn't long before even the Bartman cracked.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Do you like me now, Rich?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- Yeah.- Good boy.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Progress.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18By the end of the day, it felt like mission accomplished.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20The sun may not have shone out of my arse like Simon's,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22but at least my butthole wasn't raining any more.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Hands in the middle.- I can't reach.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- Who had a good time? ALL:- Me!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Do you think we can work together now and I can be your coach?
0:16:30 > 0:16:31- ALL:- Yeah.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Do you think we've become a team today?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35- ALL:- Yeah.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Do you think we can go on and have fun in the festival?
0:16:38 > 0:16:39THEY CHEER
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Give me a C. ALL:- C!
0:16:42 > 0:16:43- Give me an O. ALL:- O!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Give me an A. ALL:- A!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Give me a C. ALL:- C!
0:16:47 > 0:16:48- Give me an H. ALL:- H!
0:16:48 > 0:16:49What have we got?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Coach! - THEY ALL SHOUT "COACH!"
0:16:56 > 0:16:59At last, they had called me the C word and my bum clouds were
0:16:59 > 0:17:04clearing, but would our diminutive dictator finally accept me as coach?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07So, the other day was pretty bad,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10everybody chased me off the pitch, ripped up my coaching notes.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12You said if I tried really hard, I could make it as a coach.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Do you think I have done it?- Yeah.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Are we going to work as a team now? - Yes.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Are you just saying yes to all my questions
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- cos you want to go home?- No.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I think you are. Give me a fist pump.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Right, off you go. I'll see you Friday.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30We've come a long way. I think I've won their trust a bit
0:17:30 > 0:17:34and Friday's training session will be a lot different to last time.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37With the tournament... Sorry, Fun Festival, almost upon us,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40this was my last chance to whip them into shape.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41This time I'd done my coaching homework
0:17:41 > 0:17:45and planned an evening as tightly packed as Adam Jones' hairnet.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46I'm pumped, I'm psyched
0:17:46 > 0:17:50and I am determined that this one goes better than the last one.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Today I've got a plan.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53P-E-A-S. Keeping peas in my mind.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Everything I learned on my initial coaching course.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59P for purposeful. E, that will make it more enjoyable.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02A - active, keep them more active. Get them playing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03If I get that right -
0:18:03 > 0:18:07P, E, A, right... S - safe, it will be a safe environment
0:18:07 > 0:18:09for me.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Like a man who has tried piercing his eyebrow with a harpoon,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16This time, I really was going to inspire the shit out of them
0:18:16 > 0:18:19in a thought-provoking and creative process - and give 'em stickers.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Much better. First-rate. Hot.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Not sure about that.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It's not about shouting random words from the sidelines,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30it's about sticking random stickers on kids.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Early bird Freddie was the first to witness the new, well-prepared
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Coachus Maxi-fun.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Next one. That's it. Good work, Freddie. OK.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41It's a different story now this week, isn't it?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Does it feel different to you this week, Freddie?- Yeah.- Good.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Good work, that's it.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Another one out that way. A bit bigger pitch this week.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51He's practically a performing seal now.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53That doesn't look quite straight there, Freddie. See at the end,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55you got a little kink in it.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57OK, if you could sort that out.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Good lad.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00That's it, that one, yeah.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02OK, that's it, now move it slightly that way.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Slightly that way.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07No, not you... With the cone.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09No, no, Freddie. Stop.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Back the other way. Stop. There.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Slightly forward.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16That's it. A bit... No, no, no, no.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Brilliant sticker, shake hands. Good lad. OK.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Simon would take Bart Richardson and the uber-tots
0:19:25 > 0:19:28while I'd prepare Sophie and the older kids for the grudge tournament.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Sorry, Fun Festival.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Under 8s on that pitch, please... - Under 8s with me.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- 7s stay here with me, so Richard... - Under 8s with me, then.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I'm going to try and teach them some ball skills
0:19:38 > 0:19:41that will be useful. All good, close-quarters, handling skills.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Once you've passed the ball,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I want you going round on all fours as your favourite animal.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- What are you going to go as, Freddie?- A ferret.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Freddie is going to go as a ferret.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Go for it. On all fours.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Polecat, please. Hey... Ferret, ferret, ferret.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57He's off, he's a monkey.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58The monkey's going, the monkey's going.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I was a different me, keeping them P, E, A and S.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I still wasn't a bum-shine coach like Simon
0:20:04 > 0:20:05but at least they were responding.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Let's come in, then. Let's get a sticker, let's get a sticker.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- It's good work. Who wants "Stellar Student"?- Me, me, me.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- OK, who wants "Cool"? ALL:- Me!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Cool. Freddie gets "Cool".
0:20:16 > 0:20:17- ALL:- # I don't care what I've been told
0:20:17 > 0:20:20# Cos Whitland kids are good as gold
0:20:20 > 0:20:22# Whitland kids are good as gold. #
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Pick somebody early, George, and stick with them, like glue.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28That's good, Freddie, good running. Go on, George. Go.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Good, good, Sophia. Good, that's good, Freddie.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I've got loads of authority, they are listening to me,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I've got real gravitas, I'm much more focused tonight.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I had to choke back the tears.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Just a week earlier, I had been physically abused,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42the worst coach they had ever had.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Now, I was pretty sure I was the best.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Come on, who thinks I'm a good coach?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48To be honest with you, in the middle.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49In the middle.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- In the middle. - Who thinks he's in the middle?- Me.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55In the middle?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58OK, so maybe I'd never need sunglasses to wipe my own bottom
0:20:58 > 0:21:01like St Simon, but I was improving all the time.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03And secretly, I started to think there was a chance
0:21:03 > 0:21:05we could win this rugby bloodbath...
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I mean, have fun at this festival.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11THEY CHANT: # I don't care what I've been told
0:21:11 > 0:21:13# Whitland kids are good as gold
0:21:13 > 0:21:15# Win or lose, we never fold
0:21:15 > 0:21:18# Cos Whitland kids are good as gold. #
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- That was just me singing that, it was embarrassing.- Yeah.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Once you've got a sticker, you can go and I'll see you all Sunday, OK?
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- You lost one.- I get two.- You get two, OK. Go on, just help yourself.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I don't care what I've been told
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Whitland kids are good as gold.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Lovely jubbly.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Bye.- Bye-bye. You rest up.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39No late nights, OK? No partying.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42That was a lot better
0:21:42 > 0:21:46and they may say I'm only middling but I'm making progress
0:21:46 > 0:21:48and I reckon I did a great job,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50so roll on Sunday.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54The big day.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56These empty fields would soon be infested with kids
0:21:56 > 0:21:58from across south-west Wales.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I hadn't been this nervous since I invited David Cameron
0:22:00 > 0:22:01to a hog roast.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04This was my final chance to prepare my team to knock
0:22:04 > 0:22:07seven shades of shit out of their rivals...
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I mean, get them ready for a fun day, whatever the outcome.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I think now, finally, they accept me as their coach
0:22:12 > 0:22:14and I think we will all pull together today,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17now we are finally here at the championship...festival.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Festival.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I've just got to try really hard to remind myself of that.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23It's not about the winning, it's the taking part.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It's not about the winning, it's the taking part.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29As rival teams arrived, I eavesdropped on the other coaches,
0:22:29 > 0:22:33who no doubt were taking a totally non-competitive, fun-based approach.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35What I'm saying is, when you've got the ball,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38don't run toward your try line!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Just concentrate and be ready, boys, any time, any time.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Up on your feet, up on your feet.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45- Are we going to win? KIDS:- Maybe.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- Are we going to win? KIDS:- Maybe.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Does it matter? KIDS:- Not really.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- Does it matter? KIDS:- Not really.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- What's important? KIDS:- Having fun and taking part.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- What's important? KIDS:- Having fun and taking part.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00The other teams looked awesome
0:23:00 > 0:23:03and sensing our pitiful posse of pretenders was in trouble,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06even Bart Richardson turned up to lend his support.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09You are on the coaching team, OK, so I want you looking, thinking,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12eyes up, ears open, see what the team needs.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- I'm going to help Simon.- You're going to help Simon, good boy.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Shake hands, then. Good luck today.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Thanks, Richard, that means a lot.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25We've had our difficulties but today, we are a team, aren't we?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Good boy.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Now on the coaching staff, Bart Richardson brought his own
0:23:28 > 0:23:31thought-provoking and inspiring ideas.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- I want you guys acting like a team...- And farting everywhere.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Richard. Not farting everywhere.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38THE KIDS LAUGH AND RICHARD MAKES A FARTING NOISE
0:23:38 > 0:23:39All I want to say...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Once Richard's stopped farting... All I want to say is...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Can we just play now?- Yeah, the problem is, everyone's making
0:23:45 > 0:23:48farting noises, it's really hard for me to get my point across.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50And if somebody else has got the ball on your team,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52you're going with them, supporting them, OK?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Who wants to lick my foot? - I don't want to lick your foot.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57But it's a nice offer, thanks.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00We're about to go on. We're playing St David's first. Are we psyched up?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01- ALL:- Yes!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Are we ready to have fun? ALL:- Yeah!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- And take part? ALL:- Yeah!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And if we win, so be it.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Who's having the Man of the Match medal?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Well, we don't know yet, Sophie,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14we don't arrange these things in advance. This isn't Qatar.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Our first game under way, good time or not,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I soon realised we were taking a stuffing.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Still, nobody was counting and we had more games to come
0:24:21 > 0:24:23so I plied my plucky heroes with encouragement.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Good, Cian. Good, Cian.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Pass it, pass, pass.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Good talking. Good talking.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Really good support play, guys. Really good.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33I think it's going OK.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I feel like their coach. They feel like my team.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I think everyone is having a really good time.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I could be wrong.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Next game, we're smashed 25-5 but nobody is keeping score,
0:24:43 > 0:24:44least of all me.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Sophie and I are working well together,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48even if we disagree on team nutrition.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50When it's fizzy, it's got sugar in.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- No, that's not true. - And it's fizzy.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Fizzy is a carbonation process. It puts bubbles in it.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59It's totally different, totally independent of sugar content.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- You know that. - It's actually got sugar in it.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Why are you drinking it, then?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Because I like sugar.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Yeah, it's bad for your teeth.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09It is bad for your teeth.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Every time I go to the dentist, he says there's nothing wrong.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Oh, well, just keep slamming the sugar in, is it?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Every time I go to the doctor, he tells me I haven't got a broken leg.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Go and get a hammer, we'll hit it, shall we?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Somehow, we were achieving the impossible - the more we played,
0:25:25 > 0:25:26the less we scored.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29But I was beginning to understand the non-competitive philosophy.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34I'm starting to see the benefit of this not-about-the-winning bit
0:25:34 > 0:25:36cos thankfully it's not about the winning
0:25:36 > 0:25:37cos we've lost all our games.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39But we've all had fun, we've all taken part.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Just, we haven't had as much fun or taken part
0:25:42 > 0:25:44as much as the other teams.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46We've got to smash these last ones.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Our final match, and I couldn't help myself any longer.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54This fun business was all very well but we had to win one bloody game.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Now, more than ever, I need you to be quiet. All ears, no mouth.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Look at that team over there. Look at those Blues.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01They look semi-professional.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04How good do they look?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- Rubbish. - Rubbish? That is the attitude.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10That is the attitude, cos to me, they look amazing.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13These guys look organised, they are disciplined, look at them,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16they are standing there ready like machines. They're going to be good.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19These guys could murder us. OK? Right?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- They're not going to cos I'll just beat them up.- OK.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I need you to step up a gear. We need to take it up a gear.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- We need to beat them up. - This is our last game,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31let's play out of our skins and show them what Whitland can do, yeah?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34It didn't matter at all, but it all came down to this.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Are you firing on all cylinders? - Yes.- Good boy.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Let's get in line. Come on, look at them.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Chase it, chase it.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Good boy.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47That is good work, Sophie.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Good work, Freddie. Good work. Go on. Go on!
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Our final opponents were a macabre exercise in robotic perfection.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Their young eyes bent on destruction.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59They were smashing the Phil Bennett out of us.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02WHISTLE BLOWS Good try. Unlucky, Whitland.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04They're semi-professional, these guys,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06probably half of them are paid, these players.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08The rival robo-tots slaughtered us
0:27:08 > 0:27:10but you know what? My lot didn't care.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13They were too busy doing their best, playing a game they loved
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and supporting each other.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Let's look for the gaps, guys, look for the gaps.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24And with just seconds remaining, my little team's hard work paid off.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Not that it mattered.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Good work. Go on, George, go on, George.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Go on, George. Go on, George!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32WHISTLE BLOWS
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Great play. Great play, Whitland.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Well done, Whitland, good work.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38The final whistle should have come as a relief
0:27:38 > 0:27:40but we were having a ball and I'd never been prouder
0:27:40 > 0:27:42of my little band of merry mischief makers.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I'd learnt a valuable lesson about getting kids interested in sport
0:27:45 > 0:27:47and the importance of preparation.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52And they'd learned loads about life, friendship, authority, etc, etc.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Oh, and maybe even something about rugby.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Three cheers for luck, Whitland.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- Hip, hip... ALL:- Hooray!
0:27:58 > 0:27:59- Hip, hip... ALL:- Hooray!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- Well done, George. Great try there. Did you enjoy that?- Yeah.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- Did it feel good?- Yeah. - You had fun?- Yeah.- Good boy.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- Who is Man of the Match?- Eh? - Who's Man of the Match?
0:28:08 > 0:28:12If it means that much to you, Soph, you can be Man of the Match.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- Yay.- But does it mean that much really?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17It does. OK.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18There's only so much you can do,
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Well done. Congratulations, Man of the Match.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- Where's my medal? - I haven't got any medals.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I didn't know you were going to invent Man of the Match at the start of the day.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29You should have brought your own medal. You've arranged all this.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31THE KIDS CHANT "SIMON"
0:28:34 > 0:28:36SOME KIDS CHANT "GILBERT"
0:28:36 > 0:28:37There's one. There's one Gilbert.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41There's a Gilbert. One Gilbert.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Two Gilberts. Three Gilberts.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46- Gilbert!- Good boy, Cian!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49A confused report there at the end. I can't begrudge it too much.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Simon has put in the hard yards, he's got them this far, really.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Don't get me wrong, it would be nice if they were all chanting
0:28:55 > 0:28:58my name now, it'd be great, but it is not about the winning, is it?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Thankfully, again, it's about the taking part.