0:00:02 > 0:00:06I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian. People tell me I've got the toughest job in town
0:00:06 > 0:00:09but I'm sure I'd find other things far more difficult.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12So I'm ditching my regular job and trying something completely different.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14This is my work experience.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18And this week, I'm a miner!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25The closest I've come to manual work is burying my dead hamster
0:00:25 > 0:00:27with a spoon, but just for a laugh,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I headed for the nearest coalmine I could find.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Ffos-y-fran is a vast, opencast coal mine near Merthyr Tydfil.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38For the next few days, I'd be pretending to help Jason Davies
0:00:38 > 0:00:41and his team dig the biggest hole in the UK.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I felt as out of place as Bungle in a crack den
0:00:44 > 0:00:48as we drove round his post-apocalyptic workplace.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Looking out the windows out the sides now, this place is vast.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53It's about 1,000 acres, the site is.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55How big is 1,000 acres?
0:00:55 > 0:00:56I can't picture that.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Well, it's one acre bigger than 999.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Very helpful! Thanks for that! THEY LAUGH
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Bloody hell. You're right, it IS one acre bigger than 999! Bang on.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14The mine was full of specialised monster trucks
0:01:14 > 0:01:16and it wasn't obvious how I could help.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Maybe they'd give me a dustpan and brush.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Just so you know, what are we going to be doing is getting you
0:01:21 > 0:01:25to drive one of those tractors you can see pulling off in the distance.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29That's a Caterpillar 777 dump truck which has got a payload of 100 tonnes.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33I was going to ask what 100 tonnes looks like, but I know what your answer's going to be.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36One more than 99 tonnes! THEY LAUGH
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Oh, truck it! How the hell was I going to drive
0:01:39 > 0:01:42a Caterpillar 777 dump truck with a payload of 100 tonnes?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Jason wasn't exactly reassuring.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46If you wanted to purchase one,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48you wouldn't get much change out of ?1 million.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Lucky I don't want to purchase one.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Well, we're hoping you don't break one!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55RHOD LAUGHS Yeah, that's a good point.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Thankfully, Jason wasn't just going to let me
0:01:57 > 0:01:59loose in his overpriced Tonka toy, and took me
0:01:59 > 0:02:02to a classroom, one chair smaller than another classroom he'd
0:02:02 > 0:02:05once sat in, but the news didn't get any better.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08You will be assessed tomorrow. Tomorrow? God.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10So I've got a picture of it now? You've got a picture of it now.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And my test is tomorrow? And your test is tomorrow. Great.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17So we'll have to see how you go. You will be under instruction at all times.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21To pass the test, I'd need to safely manoeuvre the ?1 million mobile mansion,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24have giant digger things drop 100 tonnes of stuff on the back,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26then drop it all off in a nice, neat pile.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You can drive an automatic, I believe?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34I can drive an automatic car. It's similar, just on a far bigger scale.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Yeah, it's the same. Just with 100 tonnes of shit on the back.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40If you want to call it shit, we prefer to call it "overburden".
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Overburden? Yeah. Potato, po-tatto. LAUGHING: Yeah, exactly!
0:02:43 > 0:02:47'Sensing I'd just done a massive overburden in my pants,
0:02:47 > 0:02:52'Jason knew just how to calm my nerves and dug out some reassuring holiday snaps.'
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Dump truck in flames. Not common, but it does happen.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58It was becoming increasingly obvious that when you're a miner,
0:02:58 > 0:03:03minor mistakes can drop you in major shit. Sorry, overburdie...stuff.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Fortunately, accidents are few and far between,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09but, you know, the consequences can be quite severe.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Oh, Arthur Scargill's dusty nutsack!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Seeing the truck up close didn't help.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Like online dating, it was far less attractive in the flesh.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Driving instructor Jason Gummer introduced us.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27It's effing massive! It's about the size of a three-bedroom house!
0:03:27 > 0:03:28I'd say two-bedroom terrace,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31with a little bit of an extension on the back.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34So by tomorrow, I'm going to be driving one of these things.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38You're confident? I hope so. THEY LAUGH
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I was going to have to work harder than Lord Sugar's face cream.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44So Jason drove us up to a quiet area to get started.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Because with my test the very next day, there wasn't a moment to lose.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Pull it quite slow.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Got it. So this is it, my first little voyage.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Can't even get the seatbelt on! THEY LAUGH
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Just retract it again.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Jesus Christ. Do you have to do this in your test?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07'With ten minutes lost that I couldn't afford to lose,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10'now there was less time than the no time I'd had to lose in the first place.'
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Is that OK? Yeah. It'll be a good idea if you took your coat off, actually. Would it? I think so.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18We've got to get started! I've got my test in a few hours! THEY LAUGH
0:04:18 > 0:04:21With another five minutes I didn't have gone, now I had 15 minutes
0:04:21 > 0:04:24less time than the no time I'd had to lose before the last bit.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27But secretly, I'd been happy to put off driving this metal monstrosity.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I've never driven anything like this.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33It's like going upstairs in your house, sitting in your bedroom
0:04:33 > 0:04:36looking out and then just going, "Right, come on." Putting your foot down.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Foot on the brake, into drive.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Right, hang on a minute... THEY LAUGH
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror, signal.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45We're safe to go. Oh, my God.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Give it a bit of acceleration. Ohhhh... You're all right, you're fine.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52God, it feels like you're sliding
0:04:52 > 0:04:55and slipping all over the place. Is it? Yes. Agh!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57THEY LAUGH
0:04:57 > 0:05:00We were slipping and sliding around like a mackerel on a record player
0:05:00 > 0:05:04and on this mud rink, I wasn't looking forward to trying to stop this moving mountain.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07So when I give you the signal now, hit the brake
0:05:07 > 0:05:10and we're going to do a nice emergency stop.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Bit more speed, bit more speed, bit more speed, bit more speed!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Go on! Bit more, bit more, bit more! Give it full-throttle.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Whoa! Look how far you skidded.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26It was the worst emergency stop since the Titanic.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28If I was to go out into the mine amongst other traffic,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30there'd be no room for mistakes.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I desperately needed more practice, but I'd have to bloody wait,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36because Jason got news that the explosives team were about to blow
0:05:36 > 0:05:40the place up to get at some coal and the whole mine had to be cleared.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43The expert team of blasters wanted me to help.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46But first, I'd have to pass Chris's exhaustive background checks.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I need to know one or two things, which the law requires me to do.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52You haven't been locked up in the last seven years for any period of time?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55No. I haven't been a member of a terrorist organisation
0:05:55 > 0:05:57in the last five years. THEY LAUGH
0:05:57 > 0:05:58OK.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I'll probably ask you to sign, just to confirm all this. OK. I'll sign that, yeah.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04When I introduce you to Robert, stick to him like glue...
0:06:04 > 0:06:08I will, I promise. ..and don't do anything else... I promise. ..other than what he says.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12I will, promise. I'll do what Robert says. OK. Where do I sign to say I'll just do what Robert says?
0:06:12 > 0:06:17If I'd been worried about the truck, this was worse, because the closest I've come to blowing up a rock layer
0:06:17 > 0:06:21is cracking the caramelised sugar top on a creme brulee.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Is it normal to be quite tense at this point?
0:06:23 > 0:06:24THEY LAUGH
0:06:24 > 0:06:27You get used to it after a while. I bet you do! Yeah!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30As the new kid, I'd heard the explosives team might try to prank
0:06:30 > 0:06:34me or make me look a fool, so I was on the lookout for any hint of sexual innuendo.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39We're going to start filling the hole. We move this up and down.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Rob showed me how to fill his hole with explosives.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I could feel myself stiffening with fear.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Nervously, I took his floppy length of pipe.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Right, you keep moving that rod up and down.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I'm sure this is... I'll tell you if...
0:06:51 > 0:06:53SPEECH DROWNED BY ENGINE
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Is this really what you normally do, or is this all a wind-up?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00How's that, lads? All right? THEY LAUGH
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Done that before, Rhod?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Rob's enjoying that!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05As Rob filled his hole with explosives,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08it was my job to move his rod up and down, but the guys had warned me
0:07:08 > 0:07:10that if I did it too hard, it might go off on my face.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I'll put this in now.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Primer's gone in. Now this is an explosive hole.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18What? Say that again. This now is a live hole now.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19The primer's gone in?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Primer's gone in now. So this is a live hole. It's a live hole.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26This is explosive. Anything could happen.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Oh, I don't like this at all.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Rob explained the next step was to pack his shaft with chippings
0:07:30 > 0:07:33to ensure the hole could contain his explosive blast.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36One false move, and the whole thing could go off prematurely.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41So, if this accidentally went off now, Rob, what would happen?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44We wouldn't have a programme. We'd all be gone.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48The end credits would come up. RHOD LAUGHS
0:07:48 > 0:07:50God, I'm shitting myself here!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54I was panic working and Rob said he'd never had his holes filled so quickly.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56All that remained was to connect them up
0:07:56 > 0:07:59to make one mega bomb that Rob said could finish us all off.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Should I keep my legs bent in case it all went...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04THEY LAUGH Does that help, yeah? Yeah.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Basically, this area is all set.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10The guys are now soaking that down, so it doesn't create too much dust for the local area
0:08:10 > 0:08:14and the only thing that's left to do now, is to run like shit.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18With the area clear, I thought my ordeal was over,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22when Rob suddenly thrust his knob in my hands and told me to finish the job.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25What do I do, press that? Then whack that? Press that and whack that.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29HORN BLARES Are you sure?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Yep, whenever you're ready.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35LOW RUMBLE
0:08:37 > 0:08:42RUMBLING EXPLOSIONS
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Whoo!
0:08:48 > 0:08:52How did I do? Eh? Want a job? You what? Do you want a job? No.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55With the diggers clearing up our mess
0:08:55 > 0:08:59and the site open to vehicles once again, it was time to jump back in
0:08:59 > 0:09:02with Jason and continue my lesson on the juddering juggernaut.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Into reverse... Come on, straight back. Oh, I don't like this at all.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Straight back.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Checking your mirrors all the time. It's quite a long way down there,.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Probably about 160-170 metres. Yeah, that's it... Oh, shit.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16There's one on that side, that's it... You're fine, you're fine.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I had no idea how I was going to shift 100 tonnes of over...bird...
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Bird-over? Bird shit? that "over" stuff!
0:09:22 > 0:09:26But by the end of the day, Jason felt I was ready to take the truck into the other traffic.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Right, so we're now going off the training ground?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Yeah, we're going off the training ground... Into the general traffic?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Yeah. This changes things a bit. I've been quite enjoying myself with no other traffic around.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40You've got 200 tonnes of metal and rock coming down about 20, 25 mile an hour,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43so just keep to your side of the road.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I'm starting to shit my pants now.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48If one of those full ones hits us empty, what happens?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50We go to the Royal Infirmary in Cardiff.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55It's the end of my first day.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I'm going to be terrified tomorrow, driving that thing.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01And on top of driving it, I've got to put 100-odd tonnes in the back
0:10:01 > 0:10:03and drive with that, which changes it,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05and then tip it in the right place.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08So I think the odds are stacked against me.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Next day, excited wasn't the word.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I was like a kid in a spoon museum.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18My career as an opencast miner was on the line.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Examiner Mike was about to put my whole day's driving tuition
0:10:20 > 0:10:22to the test.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23I'm a bit nervous, if I'm honest.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25You're a bit nervous. I'm a bit nervous as well
0:10:25 > 0:10:27cos I don't know your ability yet.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Well, I'm nervous because of my ability.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31So you're right to be nervous about my ability.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Well, I don't know what Jason has gone through with you,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35if it's anything that you do that I deem as unsafe
0:10:35 > 0:10:38then, obviously, there is a good possible chance that
0:10:38 > 0:10:41you're going to not achieve. We don't say fail in this game any more.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44It's a non-achieve. Non-achieve! Is that what you're going to say?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46And there's not a lot of chance that you'd get employment
0:10:46 > 0:10:48if it's a non-achievement.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50'This was great. I couldn't fail!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52'I could literally drive us off the edge of a cliff
0:10:52 > 0:10:54'and all I'd do is not achieve.'
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Gently, come off the throttle.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Slowly, slow, slow, slow.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Too much. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Too much, too much.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03So far so non-good.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I was clearly on the road to non-success.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Next, I had to back up and take 100 tonnes of overboulder.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Over-holden? Amanda Holden?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You know what I mean. And there was no room for non-perfection.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Start to rock around now.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Right.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Look for the bucket. Yeah, I've got the bucket. Got the bucket?
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Yeah, got the bucket. So, when you're ready then, into reverse.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27'I was really nervous
0:11:27 > 0:11:30'and wasn't sure I was ready to take 100 tonnes of Amanda Holden
0:11:30 > 0:11:31'right on top of me.'
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Straighten up.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Straighten up, straighten up.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Whoa, whoa, stop.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39That's it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Quite a big one. Good stuff, not bad.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45You're halfway there.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I now had four times the truck's own body weight on my back.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I was carrying more Amanda Holden than I knew what to do with
0:11:53 > 0:11:56and controlling the truck the truck was non-easy.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00OK, we're coming up to the top so I'm easing off here.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02God, it's like a bloody ski jump looking down at it now, isn't it?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Keep it, just keep it...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Don't worry, don't panic.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07It's not going anywhere.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09That's it.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Off the... Good stuff. Good control.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Many people non-achieve at this?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Well, you get the odd person that sort of slips through the net
0:12:17 > 0:12:20that hasn't had a lot of experience, got no control whatsoever.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22What, do you get people worse than me?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Oh, believe you me, yeah. Really? Yeah.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Christ, they must be bad.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Tell me about it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Oh, my clanking lift shaft!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32'Maybe I wasn't going to non-achieve after all.'
0:12:32 > 0:12:36I was doing OK transporting Amanda Holden round the mine.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39All I had to do now was drop my national treasure off.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Start to lock it round now, hard. And then we're going to reverse.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Go on, keep going.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Lock it round.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Soon as you see the back wheel touch, tip the lever all the way back.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Power it up.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59It's my very first time doing this.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Very first time on my driving test.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Go forward a bit just to empty her out a bit.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Forward a bit just to empty it all out.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11You'll see once you need to stop. Keep going, keep going.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12I'd done it!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Twatted the test into the middle of next week.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16'But would Mike agree or non-agree?'
0:13:17 > 0:13:20'If Mike thought I'd non-achieved after that,
0:13:20 > 0:13:21'I'd eat my non-soft hat.'
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Well?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26On a first-time basis, you didn't do too bad.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Realistically, it's going to take at least week
0:13:28 > 0:13:30before you'd be let loose on your own.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33So, I'm a non-achievement. Big non-achievement.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Big non-achievement? Yeah, you wouldn't get a start.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Hang on a minute. Achievement and non-achievement.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41So, you let people down gently, it's all PC and it's diplomatic.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Saying "BIG non-achievement" doesn't help at all.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I'm a bit disappointed.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50The whole time I've been here, I've been thinking,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52"Thank God. This isn't the kind of mining where
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"you go down underground hundreds of feet,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57"working in stinking, dangerous, hot conditions."
0:13:59 > 0:14:00At least I haven't had to do that.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Oh, you great, big, hairy miner's arse!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Boulby, North Yorkshire.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11I'd be working a shift in the UK's deepest bloody mine.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13My new boss Peter Jones would drag me kicking and screaming
0:14:13 > 0:14:16to his underground office.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Peter could see I'm as weak as a hamster's handshake,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20so to work at the face of the mine,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I'd need a medical.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24We need to know that you're capable of
0:14:24 > 0:14:26working in a very, very warm environment.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I've only ever holidayed in that environment. Have you?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32So, what are you mining here? We're mining for potash.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Potash? Potash.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37We convert the ore, potash ore, into a fertiliser.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Potash. I've never heard of potash.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Well, you're here to learn now, aren't you?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Potash. Potash. Potash. Potash.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Potash. Potash.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47'I get claustrophobic opening a tin of sardines
0:14:47 > 0:14:50'and as an ex-smoker, I've got lungs like a pensioner's plums.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52'With a bit of luck, I'd be on my way home
0:14:52 > 0:14:55'before you could say reduced lung capacity.'
0:14:56 > 0:14:58HE EXHALES
0:15:02 > 0:15:06LLN. That's the lower limits of normality.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Oh.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Unfortunately, my shrivelled lunglets wheezed through
0:15:10 > 0:15:11the medical.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12I was going to be a miner.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Next thing I knew, I was off for a safety briefing
0:15:14 > 0:15:15with veteran miner Ken.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Big breath in.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Ken has spent more time underground than Tutankhamen
0:15:22 > 0:15:24and as he ran through the mine's safety procedures,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28if I was going to stay alive, it was vital I hang on his every word.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30So we've got places underground to go to be safe.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32We call them safe haven.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Stops gas from coming in.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37If the compressor fails, then we've got these hoods.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41There is two banks of tables, with 15 hoods on each table...
0:15:41 > 0:15:44AIR HISSES LOUDLY
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Didn't hear a word of that.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48HE LAUGHS
0:15:48 > 0:15:49'But I wasn't that worried.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53'I mean, if things went badly wrong, there'd be rescue teams and whatnot.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55'It's not like I'd have to rescue myself or anything.'
0:15:55 > 0:15:58This, Rhod, is a self-rescuer. It's on your belt.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00A self-rescuer? Yes.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Self-rescuers protect you against carbon monoxide
0:16:03 > 0:16:07which doesn't take a lot of parts per million to...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09make you die.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12You have got to make sure you look after this piece of kit.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14It is there to save your life.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15OK?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17'Shimmering hard hats!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20'If there was any gas down the mine that wasn't my own,
0:16:20 > 0:16:21'I'd have to come to my own rescue.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23'I was getting increasingly worried.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27'Call me superficial, but I've always liked the earth's surface.'
0:16:27 > 0:16:28What is it like down the mine?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It can be very challenging.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33There is a lot of potential hazards underground.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37But we have a lot of control measures
0:16:37 > 0:16:39to control them hazards.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Safety comes before anything else.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46But you do know there's no toilets down there?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48No, I didn't know that. So, don't take a curry.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49So, where do you...?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Where do you go? Wherever you like.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53'Oh, God.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55'If I was going to work down the world's biggest open-plan toilet,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57'I had to learn to use this gas mask.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59'Ken wasn't exactly selling this job to me,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02'but there had to be some positives.'
0:17:02 > 0:17:04What's the rewarding aspect of the job?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07The reward? Coming out at the end of the shift.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Is that it? "It's a rewarding job!"
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"What's the reward?" "Coming out at the end." Yeah.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15So far, what they're telling me isn't very appealing.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Dirty, physically hard, demanding, challenging work.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Miles underground, surrounded by shitting miners.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27'I was as ready to do hard, physical labour down a mine
0:17:27 > 0:17:29'as a retired beautician who's just run a bath.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31'But it was time for my final bits of kit,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34'so I headed down to the lamp room with Peter.'
0:17:34 > 0:17:36No going back now, Rhod, this is it.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Unfortunately.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42'The mine's age-old safety system was a poignant reminder
0:17:42 > 0:17:44'of the realities of working underground.'
0:17:44 > 0:17:47You've got two tallies - triangular one and a brass one.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51We hand that one to the banksman before we go down,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53so he knows we're underground.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56And then when we come back up again, we hand that one
0:17:56 > 0:17:57to the banksman again,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59so he knows that we're back on the surface.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02At the end of the shift, Rhod, if there's only that left
0:18:02 > 0:18:04on the tally board and that one hasn't come up
0:18:04 > 0:18:05that means you haven't come up with it.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08If at the end of the programme there's just that one left for me,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I'll be pissed off. Dead and pissed off.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Well, me and you both cos I'll be with you!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Like Peter Stringfellow auditioning for a suffragettes docudrama,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I was totally the wrong person for this.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22We're going to descend about 1,100 metres into the earth.
0:18:22 > 0:18:251,100 metres? 1,100 metres.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Straight down. Once you're down there, going to be going out
0:18:28 > 0:18:31probably about eight, eight and a half kilometres out to sea.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33When did it become normal for people to go to work to go
0:18:33 > 0:18:36a kilometre underground and then go 8km out under the sea?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38They've been doing it for decades.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Sounds shit.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:43It's quite weird standing here at the pithead
0:18:43 > 0:18:46getting your lamp and your carbon monoxide gas mask thing
0:18:46 > 0:18:48and knowing you're going to go down a mine.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's a strange feeling.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53'But my lamp was on and my hat was hard.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54'It was time to go.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56'As we headed towards the cage, my nerves began to affect me
0:18:56 > 0:18:57'in strange ways.'
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Like a goldfish.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05My ears keep popping!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Is that normal? That's normal, absolutely normal.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10This is an airlock. We actually push air
0:19:10 > 0:19:12down the man shaft right the way round the mine
0:19:12 > 0:19:14so we can breathe properly.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15OK. It's as simple as that.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18'Fortunately, to reassure nervous first-timers like me,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20'the airlocks were tastefully decorated
0:19:20 > 0:19:22'with motivational posters.'
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Cheerful, isn't it? Cheerful. Oh, yeah!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28'I get vertigo reading Wuthering Heights,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30'but at least the commute was going to be easy -
0:19:30 > 0:19:33'step into the devil's dirt box and let gravity do the rest.'
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I can see now the light's starting to disappear,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40so we're starting to drop down below the earth's surface.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43'As the clanking metal box began lowering towards Australia,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45'we picked up speed.'
0:19:45 > 0:19:47My ears are starting to pop now.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Think of the top of Mount Snowdon, the highest mountain in Wales,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53we're going down under the ground further than that.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56'Every second we got 20 feet closer to the Earth's core
0:19:56 > 0:19:58'and my stomach got closer to my mouth.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01'Until we arrived at the eerie underground world known as
0:20:01 > 0:20:02'pit bottom.'
0:20:04 > 0:20:07This is the original part of the mine. Probably 40 years old.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10It's like a whole street network down here.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12How safe do you feel down here?
0:20:12 > 0:20:13It's just second nature.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You don't think about it. You just get on with it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20We've basically got a transit van here.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21It's so weird, this.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22I know it's just totally normal to you.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25How do you get that thing down here in the first place?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Not easy. Not easy. Not easy, no!
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Took all the fluids out the engine,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31swing it upside down from the back
0:20:31 > 0:20:33and lower it down the shaft very slowly.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36So you just drop it in vertical? Yeah.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37To get to the potash,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41we take a surreal drive in tunnels carved through miles of rock salt.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Like David Beckham looking at a paperclip,
0:20:43 > 0:20:44my brain was in overload.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Right, here we go.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52We're going from 1,100 metres at the bottom of the shaft
0:20:52 > 0:20:55and where we're going to, that's at about 850 metres,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57so we're actually rising up.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Does that mean it'll get cooler?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00No! No.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01No sat nav down here, is there?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04No sat nav whatsoever. How do you know your way around?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Practice.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I'd be putting a ball of wool down, mate!
0:21:07 > 0:21:08THEY LAUGH
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I've got a ball of string in the back if you want one.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Yeah, let's do it to be safe. It's just... The dust.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Yeah, it's a mine.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Our post-nuclear road trip took us further and further
0:21:18 > 0:21:22and hotter and hotter into this apocalyptic Hoover bag.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25God, it's hot. It's going to get hotter.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27The mine was a terrifying game of Pac-Man.
0:21:27 > 0:21:2930 minutes further into this dust-choked labyrinth,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33the smooth salt tunnels gave way to something far more worrying.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Are we in potash now? We're in potash now, yeah.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Potash isn't as stable as salt is.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45What are these things here?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Pit props. The props.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49They just look like wood laid in a Jenga pattern.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51The Jenga's there to support the roof.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53What the hell? That's not holding the roof up. Yeah.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Is that the best idea? Jenga's built to fall down, yeah?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Yeah.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It's as safe as houses.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01The walls look less stable,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03everything looks more bouldery, more rubbley.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05In my head, that says much more dangerous.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07It's a hazardous environment.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09What's the difference between a dangerous environment
0:22:09 > 0:22:10and a hazardous environment?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Just posher words!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14THEY LAUGH
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It was all too easy to imagine this whole place collapsing.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20And 9km out under the sea, there was no quick way back.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22What's this ahead, Peter? I can see men.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Men. Human beings and alive!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Heading towards our meeting station.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29This is where you'd sit and discuss the day's work.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Can I just point out before we start the working day,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I am absolutely exhausted.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36It had taken us 40 minutes but we were finally
0:22:36 > 0:22:41clocking in in the most surreal workplace I've ever seen.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Seminaked production manager Carl explained that bolting
0:22:43 > 0:22:46the roof up to keep it roof-like was a nonstop job.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49So when I saw some stupid mine twat hacking away the walls,
0:22:49 > 0:22:50I almost lost it.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54OK, Rhod. If you watch Mark scaling,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57he's getting the side wall down so it doesn't fall on anyone.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59So this is loose stuff that could fall? Correct.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01So you're making it fall. Correct.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03This is quite dangerous stuff...
0:23:03 > 0:23:04and I'd like you to try it.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06All right, let's give it a go.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Prising loose bits off and jumping out the way,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I felt like Simon Cowell's make-up artist.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12This was one of the toughest jobs on the shift
0:23:12 > 0:23:13and I was already struggling.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Luckily, Carl was on hand with kind words of encouragement.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19He's not very good, is he?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I must've been a miner for ten minutes and I got a blister.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28This is a lot harder than it looks.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Also, as you do start to see a big crack appear,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33you're thinking, "Shit! Is this supposed to come down?"
0:23:36 > 0:23:39That lump will weigh about a quarter of a tonne.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40So if that had come down on you...
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It wouldn't do you any good.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44That'd kill you. That'd kill you. That'd be my best-case...
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Carl and me had different ideas about best-case scenarios.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I'd also noticed he'd sorted his friends out with power tools
0:23:52 > 0:23:55and was giving me all the crappy manual work.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57OK, there's the shovel.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I want you to do a better job than you did scaling.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Yeah, I wasn't very good. You weren't.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I was struggling in the 40-degree heat, but Carl kept pushing me
0:24:05 > 0:24:08like a man trying to get a shopping trolley across the Sahara.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Come on, Rhod. Keep going.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Bigger shovel, better technique.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21You should be shovelling deeper and get more on the shovel. Oh.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26They're all just standing around chatting back there, Carl.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Faster! Shovel faster!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30It's so hot.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Why have you stopped? Come on, dig.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35In these life-sapping conditions,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38even blinking was blinking hard work and Carl was deliberately
0:24:38 > 0:24:40making my life blinking hell.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43He was a cross between the Village People and Darth Vader.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Faster!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Hurry up!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Have you got that the right way round?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51How do you mean? Is it the right way around? Yes or no?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52I don't know, you tell me yes or no.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Well, you have a guess.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Uh...no?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56It's right!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58It IS right? It IS right. Yes. Well done.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00What was all the fuss about, then,
0:25:00 > 0:25:01if I did it right in the first place?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I just thought I'd ask you, that's all!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Carl was a fascist.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07He put the coal into Colditz, the mine into Mein Kampf
0:25:07 > 0:25:09and the dick into dictator.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11He was a right coaly mine dick.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Even in my uniform, I was no more a miner than
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Jeremy Corbyn in adult nappies is a sumo wrestler.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18And coaly mine dick was taking full advantage.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20He was determined to kill me before I'd even had lunch.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29How's the day gone?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Has Carl been all right with you?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33He hasn't pushed you too hard, has he?
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Leave me alone.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Leave you alone? All of you, just leave me alone.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38THEY LAUGH
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I was just about surviving coaly mine dick's initiation ceremony,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44doing all the backbreaking work that didn't need doing.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46And when he showed me his favourite toy,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50I assumed he was going to make me wax and polish it.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Look at that thing! That is a serious bit of kit.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57This is a Heli Miner, it's awesome.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Even now, after 31 years, I think it's awesome. It is awesome
0:26:00 > 0:26:02in the proper sense of the word.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05It's 120 tonnes, 30.5 metres long, four metres wide.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06It's a beast.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07So do you want to have a go, then?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09What, you're going to let me have a go of that?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I'm going to let you have a go of that. Seriously?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14So far, I have massively non-achieved
0:26:14 > 0:26:16on every machine I've touched,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18whether it's been in Merthyr Tydfil or here.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21It's the, essentially, most dangerous one of the lot.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26This modern-day mine-osaurus Rex would devour anything in its path.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29One false move and I was sure I'd bring the whole
0:26:29 > 0:26:31depressing place down on us.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34There's no man sits on it. You drive it from this control panel.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, there's no driver in there? No driver.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39It's a remote-controlled machine. You the driver?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42This remote-controlled monster was unlike anything I'd ever operated.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44If I messed up with Carl's Heli Miner,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I'd poo my pants so hard, I'd hit my head on the ceiling.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49If I have a major non-achievement with this, what happens?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51You can't do too much damage with this.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54It's funny you should say that, it looks quite damaging.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Operator Steve showed me how to make this mole of mass destruction move
0:26:57 > 0:26:59and, equally importantly, how to make it stop.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Press that button there. Which one?
0:27:01 > 0:27:02That one.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05ENGINE RUMBLES
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Was that a test, was it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Yeah! Was that just a test? Yeah.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I had my doubts, but coaly mine dick felt I was ready to operate
0:27:13 > 0:27:15this prehistoric mine muncher.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18RUMBLING
0:27:18 > 0:27:19That is going.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Right, we're going forwards.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I was doing the biz in hi-vis,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41and non-achieving to kill us all.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46This could be my first non-non-achievement.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49The conveyor belt's working, it's mining.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Stuff is coming back by the tonne-load.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59That wasn't a non-achievement.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Good, isn't it?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Tell me that wasn't a non-achievement.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06I'll give you 5/10.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I'm happy with that.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11It was the end of my shift and coaly mine dick gave me his verdict.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I've got to be honest, I don't think you've got a job as a miner.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I've got to be honest, I wouldn't even apply.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Wouldn't you? No!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I'm an aboveground person, what can I say?
0:28:19 > 0:28:20You've proved that today.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23You have actually proved that today!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26They say at the centre of the Earth, the pressure's so great
0:28:26 > 0:28:28you'd be squeezed into a ball smaller than a marble.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32I'd only been 1km of the way there but I'd never felt smaller,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35humbled by Carl, Peter and all the men and women who do this every day.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38It's no surprise the camaraderie here is so strong,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41forged as it is in the world's biggest, hottest,
0:28:41 > 0:28:43dustiest open-plan toilet.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Oh, look at this!
0:28:45 > 0:28:47I want to drink the sky.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49I want to eat the grass.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53I want to shove the sun up my ass.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Oh, my God. That is toil.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Hats off to them.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Glasses off to them.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00But I'm out of here.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17Is it hard to balance family and work?
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Well, family always come first... Nah - cos to me
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Kurupt FM is my work AND my family, so...
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Me and Grindah are sort of like the dads.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26No, cos that sounds...weird.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30I'm like the cute randy uncle. So lock up your aunties!
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Join the Kurupt family, in People Just Do Nothing.