0:00:02 > 0:00:03This programme contains some strong language
0:00:03 > 0:00:06I'm comedian Rhod Gilbert and this is my work experience.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07This week, I'm an estate agent.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12When I was a kid, being an agent was supercool.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17Secret agent, double agent, and the coolest of the lot, estate agent.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21'As I headed to an agency in Cwmbran, I was living every child's dream.'
0:00:21 > 0:00:24- Hi, Gav.- How are you, Rhod? Are you all right?- Good, thanks.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- Good, good. Welcome to Peter Alan. - Thank you.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28'New boss Gavin Shepherd and his team would train me up.'
0:00:28 > 0:00:30As an estate agent,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33I'd be joining the likes of nurses and lifeguards as one of the most loved
0:00:33 > 0:00:35and valued sectors of society.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38So, Rhod, what we're going to do, we're going to hit the road.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm going to show you a property that we have for sale.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Mm-hm.- That is new to market.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- Are you ready?- I am...
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Are you excited?
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Let's sell some houses!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50OK. Just one thing, happy people sell.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- Happy people sell.- Remember that.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Big smile, let's go.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54What about grumpy people?
0:00:56 > 0:00:57'This was my training day.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59'By the end of the week, Gav had given me a challenge
0:00:59 > 0:01:01'to sell an actual, real property,'
0:01:01 > 0:01:04so I was curious to know what the current industry
0:01:04 > 0:01:06perspective was on bullshitting.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10What's the view these days of most estate agents on creatively describing...
0:01:10 > 0:01:13embellishing, what do you want to call it...?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15You can't. You've got to be honest, you know.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18You've got to be creative with your wording, of course you have.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I think it's just got to be very real, very true.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22'With 15 years' experience,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26'Gav knew more about Victorian semis than Prince Albert's fluffer
0:01:26 > 0:01:27'and he'd seen it all.'
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I've walked in on people having sex.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I've gone upstairs, they've been well aware of the appointment,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34and you walk in and the blanket's going like crazy.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37You know exactly what's going on and you've got to quickly be able to turn
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- the situation on its head.- Does that help you sell a house or hinder it?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- It depends how good the sex is they're having, I suppose.- Exactly!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Here we go. This is the Cedars.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Look at the size of that.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Whoa!
0:01:55 > 0:01:59'My training started at a typical Valleys mining cottage near Usk.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02'A great little bargain doer-upper for a first-time buyer.'
0:02:03 > 0:02:07This is on the market for £3,250,000.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12OK. Into the games room.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- Now we're talking. - Full-size snooker table.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16- Can we have a game?- No.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19That's one thing, you can't touch nothing in this man cave.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22What if you broke an antique or something, you know?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Who are they going to come and shout at?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- It's going to be us.- How do bad do you think I am at snooker?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28'Gav was trying to teach me stuff
0:02:28 > 0:02:30'but the Valleys' answer to the Taj Mahal
0:02:30 > 0:02:33'was blowing my mind and I was only half listening.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35'That's right, I was semidetached.'
0:02:35 > 0:02:37It's got four boilers.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I can't even imagine life with four boilers.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Nice, nice, nice...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Look at this!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Oh, my God!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51'Part man, part Guess Who picture tile,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53'Gav was worried that leaving me to sell this property would be like
0:02:53 > 0:02:56'putting a beaver in charge of a log flume.'
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Can you imagine if I walked in here and I was like...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"Oh, my God, Rhod, look at this!"
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Amazing, I'd love one of these myself!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You're going to be like that... "Oh, my God, what's this idiot doing here?"
0:03:05 > 0:03:09You're going to be concentrating on me, rather than looking at the room.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It's quite a back seat.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Definitely. You need to stand back, let them take it all in.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Let the property speak to them.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23'Guess Who Gav was certainly letting this property speak to me.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25'His job was a piece of piss.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27'Just wander around doing nothing, let the house sell itself,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29'and then steal the commission.'
0:03:31 > 0:03:34So, again, exactly what I'm doing here, I'm standing back from you,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36letting you explore.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Silence speaks volumes.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Silence speaks volumes.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43So, if I'd walked in and I'd immediately be attracted to that, the view,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I'd walk up here, take the fountain, the gravel drive, the gardens,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48the view, you'd just leave me...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Yeah, exactly. You're taking in the view there.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53If I'm there and I'm nattering away and I'm taking you away
0:03:53 > 0:03:57from the nicer parts of the property and what could sell it to you,
0:03:57 > 0:03:58- so you've got to be careful.- Ssh!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Ssh!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Thank you.- (OK.)
0:04:08 > 0:04:10So, yeah, definitely.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Let the surroundings do the work.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Ssh!
0:04:13 > 0:04:14We've been through this, Gav.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I'm not telling you again.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19This is a great job, isn't it?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Driving round, coming to stunning houses, gravel drives,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25just looking at the pool, snooping around.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Whoa, whoa, calm down.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29This is just a little tiny, tiny part of the job.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44What can you say?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45- After you?- OK!
0:04:49 > 0:04:51What... What's the story here?
0:04:51 > 0:04:55This is where the property has been taken back into possession by the bank.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58People have had to get evicted here from their home.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02So for us as an estate agent, this is where it starts.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Whereas, you know, it's the end for them, you know?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08And how tough is it to see what was once your home up for sale and you
0:05:08 > 0:05:10have no control over it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16You're not going to go long in this job before you have a reality check.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19This is happening all over the country, you know?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21It does put things into perspective.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24How do you turn this into a positive?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28It's hard to see it as a happy home for some potential new chapter of
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- somebody's life, isn't it? - That's a process it has to go through before it
0:05:32 > 0:05:34becomes exciting, I suppose.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Believe it or not, this will be super popular.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- It's hard to look at it like that right now though, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44OK.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Forget it. Let's go.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50'I had no idea estate agents were involved in these
0:05:50 > 0:05:52'desperately sad situations.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54'I wasn't sure I'd be tough enough for this job.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57'But Gav was keen to stress how rewarding it could be.'
0:05:57 > 0:06:00You're matching people to the right property.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02That's what you're going to be doing this week.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Once you get a match, you'll want to scream from the rooftops.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- Brilliant, do you?- Yeah.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11Yeah, yeah. Listen what the criteria is, look for it on our books,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14match them up, book a viewing, sell the house.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I've got really mixed feelings about this.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19On the one hand,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I think the same about estate agents as everybody does.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Exaggerating the positive aspects of properties -
0:06:26 > 0:06:27I'm a bit worried about that.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29On the other hand,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I'm quite excited because I can imagine it's really rewarding,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34handing over the keys to somebody to their new house, a big deal.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37It's the biggest thing you will ever buy and it's a really exciting moment
0:06:37 > 0:06:39in people's lives and you're part of that.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41So I've got mixed feelings.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44'I was feeling ambivalent, but there was no time for navel-gazing nonsense
0:06:44 > 0:06:47'because Gav had big, big plans for me.'
0:06:47 > 0:06:50As much as you are part of the team,
0:06:50 > 0:06:55you're also standing on your own two feet and you are in charge of your destiny.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58So therefore, I do not want you walking over that door
0:06:58 > 0:07:01any later than 8:45 tomorrow, do you hear me?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Ssh, Gav.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05I'll be here.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09'Next day, I took charge of my own destiny and turned up at 10am.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11'If I could match some people to properties,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13'I'd be buzzing like a sticky doorbell.'
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- What do you think?- Yes, I can see you've made an effort.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Fantastic. Brilliant stuff.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Yeah, great. You look like an estate agent.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Is that a compliment?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24'A sales environment isn't me at all, but at least Gav
0:07:24 > 0:07:27'wasn't into all that cringey team-building "let's play a game" shit.'
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Rhod, every day we have a bit of a game, just to lift everyone's spirits,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32wake the brain up, so...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Do you?- Yeah. To keep the fun side of the job...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- No.- You've heard of a game... - You don't play a game...?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38- Yeah.- In this meeting?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41HE LAUGHS AND WOMEN JOIN IN
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- Sorry.- But if you've heard of a game called "boy, girl, fruit, flower",
0:07:46 > 0:07:50you will be familiar with how this goes.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51A...
0:07:52 > 0:07:53A what?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57So he says, A, and you've got to go B, C, D, do the alphabet in his head,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- silently.- In his head? Yeah. And that's the game?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You've got to say stop the bus.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Have you not played stop the bus before, Rhod?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- I haven't played stop the bus. - And if he lands on...
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Did you not have a childhood?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11If he says D in his head, you've got to use D, so D for animal,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13D for car, D for place.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16If three-year-olds can play this game, we should be able to, OK?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19If three-year-olds can play this game, maybe we shouldn't be playing it.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Stop the bus.- 'Gav's sales team was pumped to the max,
0:08:22 > 0:08:26'but I felt as uncomfortable as Donald Trump in a sombrero.'
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Animal.- I've got nothing at all.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Turkey.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Very good, yes. Place.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Turkey.- Have you got Turkey for all of yours?
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Let's smash it today.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Have fun, enjoy.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Remember, if the ship doesn't sail in, swim out and meet it.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Let's create some business.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Go for it.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Yes!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I'm feeling a really weird mix of pumped up and confident,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54sell, sell, sell,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56and the other part of me is thinking
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I've got absolutely no chance of selling anything.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02If the ship doesn't come in, which it almost certainly won't,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I imagine I will drown swimming out to meet it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08'But before I could sell a house,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11'Guess Who Gav wanted me to get a potential new property onto his books.'
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Photos are absolutely paramount.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17They have to be spot-on,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19so it's really important that you get the angle right
0:09:19 > 0:09:21and as much of the room in as possible.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22'Rock up and snap the joint.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25'It was sounding like a piece of pizzle until Gav got serious
0:09:25 > 0:09:26'and the bizzle went all shizzle.'
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Always ask the people to go in front of you.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32What if you're walking up the stairs and somebody is behind you and they
0:09:32 > 0:09:35had a knife or a gun...?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Who the fuck have you set me up viewings with?!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39They could be armed?!
0:09:39 > 0:09:40You just don't know who you're viewing with.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I mean, we do our best to vet people.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Take your phone, so you've got all necessary cautions
0:09:46 > 0:09:47to prevent any of this happening.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I've always wondered why, when I've been to view a property,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53why the estate agent is always behind me and I'm always walking in front.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56It's because they are worried I'd shoot them.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57'On the popularity scale,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00'estate agent comes between traffic warden and death squad,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03'so in case things turned nasty, I'd need a safe word.'
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Today, how about your safe word being David Dickinson?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11If you feel a bit unnerved from the start, you phone the office...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I say, "where is David Dickinson?"
0:10:13 > 0:10:15What you need to do is slip it into a sentence.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17For instance, you could say,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20could you please call David Dickinson and let him know
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I'm going to be running late for my next viewing appointment?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26'Armed with my safe word, I headed off to bring my first house to market,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29'haunted by images of Dickinson in a gimp outfit.'
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Hiya, love. All right?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Hiya. Rhod.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- Charmaine.- Am I at the right place? - Yeah, yeah.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- Come on in.- Thank you.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40'As Charmaine pointed out her home's best features,
0:10:40 > 0:10:41'I was on red alert.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43'Any sign of trouble, I'd call the office
0:10:43 > 0:10:46'and drop the mahoganied marvel casually into a sentence.'
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- PHONE RINGS - Right.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Beautiful. It is that my phone?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Sorry, I was told to bring a mobile phone in case you tried to kill me.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55SHE LAUGHS
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Right. - You walk in front of me.- Why?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59I've been told, that's what I do.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Upstairs.- Yeah.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's a nice breeze.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- On a hot day like this.- Yeah, it's like a wind tunnel through here.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I won't put "wind tunnel", I'll put "bright and breezy".
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Yeah. This is the big bedroom.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I don't go to bed in the night, I watch supernatural things.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- All about ghosts. - You don't use this bedroom?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Yeah, I come to bed about four.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Why do you come to bed at four?
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Because I like watching ghost things, like Ghost Inside My Child,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30My Haunted House, Paranormal Activities.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Right.- My ideal job would be an undertaker.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Right.- Yeah, I'm not scared of the dark, love.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41You've got to be scared of the living, not the dead.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45'Too right. Charmaine was living and she was starting to scare the shit out of me,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47'but I needed to get as much detail as I could about the property
0:11:47 > 0:11:49'before she killed me.'
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Playroom.- Playroom...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- Coffins.- You what?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- Coffins.- Coffins.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Candles, picture it, candles...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00You go out first.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02'Charmaine was batshit crazy,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05'Norman Bates trapped in Velma-from-Scooby-Doo's body.'
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Get a coffin, buy a coffin, have niblets, wine and what-have-you,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and take photos to see what you look like when you're dead.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15'What was my bloody safe word?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18'Daniel O'Donnell? No, David Dimbleby?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20'Alarm bells were really ringing.'
0:12:20 > 0:12:21ICE CREAM VAN CHIMES PLAY
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- On ice cream route. That's a selling point, isn't it?- No.- It's not?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29If you ain't got no money and your kid's screaming for an ice cream,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- isn't it?- Cross that out.- Yeah.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32'Before I ran for my life,
0:12:32 > 0:12:36'I had to get photos of Batshit Bates' three-bed kill pad,
0:12:36 > 0:12:37'carefully noting any escape routes.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40'Because happy people sell, but dead ones don't.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44'My work done, I wanted to scarper, but I was determined to sell a house
0:12:44 > 0:12:46'and Charmaine was a potential buyer.'
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Obviously, I'm here to try and sell this one.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Yeah.- And you don't mind if I sign you up as a new customer and try and
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- find you somewhere...?- Yeah. It's got to be done up. - It's got to be done up?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Yeah, so it got to be...- You don't want any work to do.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Rundown. No, I don't... I want loads of work to do.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00I've got to do it up.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03You're looking for somewhere really rundown that you can put your own stamp on
0:13:03 > 0:13:05and do it up from scratch?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- You want it to be derelict.- Not like derelict, so there's no like walls.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11It got to have a roof, but the inside can be as bogging
0:13:11 > 0:13:13as it comes. Right? We can wipe our feet walking out.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Can I just jot that down? "Inside can be as bogging as it comes."
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Because I'd like one of those Georgian houses.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Bogging Georgian shithole, yeah.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22'South-facing gardens.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26'I'd got the property onto our books and signed up a potential new buyer.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29'But something told me that Batshit wouldn't be easy to please.'
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- You don't like my shoes? - I hate them, love.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34They're vile. Trousers are nice, but the shoes...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36So I can keep the trousers on, can I?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38First thing you look at a man were the shoes and I look at you and
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- straightaway I think, "Twat".- Twat? - Twat. You've got twatty shoes on.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46'I headed back to base as fast as my twat shoes would carry me,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49'confident my arty photos would hit the spot.'
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Please be vocal, give as much feedback as you can.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55So, what have we got?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Hm!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Nice candle.- You've taken the focus away from the bathroom.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Makes the bath look quite small, as well, doesn't it,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05considering the size of the candle?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I have no idea so far what this house looks like.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10'Like cats on a seesaw watching Wimbledon,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12'the team lapped up my photos.'
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Look at that. What do you think of that?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19If I'm honest, I took that picture of the axe more for...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21That was a David Dickinson moment.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22I thought, just in case.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25A little bit dark.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Out of ten, what would you give Rhod for these photos?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I think we'll go six for effort.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32But four for quality.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Four for quality?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35You tried.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Don't give up your night job.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38THEY LAUGH
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Shit!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43'Some pictures are worth a thousand words, but mine were only worth two -
0:14:43 > 0:14:46'the second one was "off" - but maybe with a thousand words,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48'I could paint one half-decent picture.'
0:14:48 > 0:14:51My description of Charmaine's property...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- OK.- A spacious reception room
0:14:53 > 0:14:56will soothe your weary limbs in winter
0:14:56 > 0:14:57with a real fire.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03While in summer, throw the windows open and let the gentle Valleys breeze caress your soul.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- OK.- This stunning property might be a semi,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08but it will give you a full erection.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- God!- You'll really love this mind-blowing opportunity
0:15:19 > 0:15:22to enjoy the finest Cwmbran has to offer.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Come home to Cwmbran.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Clever. - I'm quite impressed with that.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33Do you know what? I absolutely love it, but there's a few things in there we wouldn't be able to use.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Maybe take out the bit about the full election, I grant you.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I like the "come home to Cwmbran",
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I might steal that from you and use it in a few of my own.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Brilliant, so we like that?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Yeah, yeah. Not a bad job there, Rhod.- Shall I type it up?- No.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48'I'd got Charmaine's house on the market.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51'Now all I had to do was sift through the stinking Edwardian crap gaffs and
0:15:51 > 0:15:53'minging Victorian dump joints
0:15:53 > 0:15:56'to find the bogging Georgian shithole of her dreams.'
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I've got my properties ready to show Charmaine
0:15:59 > 0:16:01and I think I've got just the places.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I'm confident by the end of today, she'll have the keys to one of them.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06If not two.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10'Before I set off, I needed to get some last-minute tips from Guess Who Gav.'
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Silence is golden,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15happy faces sell, anything else?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Yes.- What?- Talk. Open up, keep it real.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20It's all very confusing.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Silence is golden, but talk, open up and keep it real?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Now, sometimes you need to talk to them to help them open up
0:16:25 > 0:16:27and see what they're thinking and...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I can't teach you on when to talk.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31You just need to read people's body language.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Happy faces sell, if the ship doesn't sail in,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38swim out to meet it, and silence is golden, sometimes.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Go, do your best, impress,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42and come back with a sale.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44The closest I've come to finding someone their dream home
0:16:44 > 0:16:47is giving my hamster a roll of toilet paper,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49but I've done my homework and was convinced
0:16:49 > 0:16:52'this place would be right up Charmaine's batshit street.'
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- I'm always slightly late. - Horrible street.- It's not.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- It's horrible.- Well, let's have a look at it, because you might love it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Good start. Can't even get in!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I think I've got it.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Ah! Here we go!
0:17:08 > 0:17:09- Et voila.- There we go.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11OK.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Small, isn't it? - Well, this isn't the whole thing.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16This is just a little porch area.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20High ceilings. Artex, got to go.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22That wall will have to go.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25This would be knocked in the... Yeah, it's nice and big.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Not bad.- Do you like the wallpaper? - No, not really.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Not my style, love.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I'm trying to do what Gav taught me.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I'm trying to sit back, silence speaks volumes, whatever it was, sometimes.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I've done my research.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I think I'm doing quite well.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I know you said you like hosting parties that are a bit...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I like the dead. I like the dead, love.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48- You like the dead.- Yeah.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Well, this place has got a basement.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I can feel the cold.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It's a little bit... Isn't it?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- Yeah.- I thought you might like this.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Perfect little space for your coffins.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59This is under the street.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02If she replaced the puppy wallpaper with pictures of her victims,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I thought I'd found a match
0:18:04 > 0:18:07for some of Batshit Bates' twisted requirements. But I was wrong.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10This ain't bogging. There's no ceilings falling down or anything,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- is there?- You want it worse than this?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Yeah.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Time is precious, waste it wisely. Has this been a waste of time?- Yeah.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Sorry, Rhod, you done your best, but it wasn't good enough.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26The wallpaper was right. Time WAS precious.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28My ship wasn't coming in.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I only had one day left to sell a property.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Next morning, back at the office,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34'Gav's unhappy face swam out to meet mine
0:18:34 > 0:18:37'and our two faces bobbed about unhappily.'
0:18:37 > 0:18:42We have got one final day and I think this could be it for you, Rhod.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44We have got an open house booked.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46We'll have a set time of the day
0:18:46 > 0:18:49where the property can be viewed openly.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52So, yeah, people can come and go as they please.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Do go out of your way to make an effort to sell this property today.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57If that ship don't come in, Gav,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I'm going to be swimming out to meet it, mate.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Do you think you need some armbands?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02I think I may need armbands!
0:19:05 > 0:19:06So I've got to get this place ready.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Several buyers coming to have a look round.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11It'll be down to me to try and sell it. Am I feeling confident?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13I don't know any more.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15'I had to sell this bloody house.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18'I had just an hour to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen it into shape
0:19:18 > 0:19:19'before my first appointments.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26'By the time I'd finished with this place,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28'I'd be standing by in a blood-splattered pinny
0:19:28 > 0:19:32'while potential buyers fought to the death in the garden.'
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Does that say open house?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Or does it look total shit?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40'As the aroma of fresh, fresh instant coffee wafted through the house,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43'I prepared myself to feel the warm, warm buzz of the sale.'
0:19:43 > 0:19:45To sell any home,
0:19:45 > 0:19:50the piece de resistance is the smell of freshly baked bread.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54FAN WHIRS
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Hello. Rhod Gilbert.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Welcome to your new home.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04After you. In case you're a killer.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Hi.- Rhod Gilbert, how are you? - Callum.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Hello, Callum.- How are you, all right?- Nice to meet you. Come in, Callum.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12The house is now open.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- Oh, lovely.- Hopefully, this is giving him a nice sort of first impression,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18the balloons... Looks quite...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- I'm Stacey.- Hi, Stacey.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22- Nice to meet you.- Hi.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Hiya. Sorry, I put these up. I thought they'd be a fun welcoming addition
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- but actually they're really annoying.- A bit different.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30'My happy face firmly on, I'd done my homework,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32'and I knew this house inside out.'
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Rhod, hi, Karen. Come on in.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35What this is, is a good space, isn't it?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38They are good-sized rooms, they're nice sort of square rooms.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40You can see it with a proper kitchen in there,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43French doors onto the patio, you can see what it could look like.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Easy commute to the vibrant Cwmbran shopping centre.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49That's not far from the M4. 'I was being silent when talking wasn't needed,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52'talking when silence wasn't needed, and using body language,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56'sometimes silently, when talking and silence weren't needed.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58'And any questions, I had the answers.'
0:20:58 > 0:21:01What would you say the rental income would be?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I will have to find that out and get back to you.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Yeah?- I don't know how long it's been empty.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07- Is it a flat roof?- Ooh.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11They're asking me lots of questions I don't know about.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13So I'm slightly winging, I feel a bit guilty.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Where's the sun now? It's there. - I think the sun...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Some things, I've got no idea about because I haven't done enough
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- homework.- How old is it?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Do you know?- Oh, how old is it, that's a good question.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25That is a good question.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Yeah, I couldn't tell you that. I can find out. I'll find out.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I'll have to find that out. I will look into it.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32'I tried to swim out to meet the ship,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34'but my trunks had come down and my bottom was showing.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38'It was time to call the coastguard.'
0:21:38 > 0:21:40'No allocated parking.'
0:21:40 > 0:21:42No allocated parking, garage is nothing to do with it.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Furniture not included.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47'As my crack sales team filled in the massive gaps in my knowledge,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49'I was reduced to being a glorified speakerphone.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53'As redundant as an expert in Michael Gove's house.'
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Thanks ever so much. Bye-bye.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Thanks for coming. Take it easy.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Give me a call if you've got any more questions.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Will do.- We'll give you a ring.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I think I did really, really well.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Either that or really, really badly.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13'Gav knew more about getting clients to completion than a Soho masseuse.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16'Back at the office, he assessed my performance.'
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- How have you got on?- Well...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I don't think anybody...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- ..was interested. - Was there any offers?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Anything for us to follow up while you go on and get on with your life?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I didn't ask them. Do you know what happened?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I got a little bit bamboozled with questions and I was ringing the office all the time.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40When the time was up, they just sort of wandered off and I forgot to say...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"Does anybody want it?"
0:22:42 > 0:22:45So, as easy as estate agency sounds, you know,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48it's proven to be difficult for you to make a sale.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50'Guess Who Gav wasn't impressed.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53'I was now in desperate need of a montage to show me doing officey stuff,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56'working with the team, pulling together some kind of rescue plan.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00'My chances of feeling the buzz rested on one person - shoe-hating,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02'coffin boffin Batshit Bates.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05'I was determined to match Charmaine to her dream shithole.'
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Please, God... - Why don't you mark them up?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13You're not allowed to mark them up because if we lose them all,
0:23:13 > 0:23:14then somebody...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Not put the address on them.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Put a dot on there, you know them little sticky dots.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19A code, I should have done that.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Yeah, yeah. Don't become a prison officer, love,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23all right?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26You know like the old brown velvet curtains your nan used to
0:23:26 > 0:23:28have in her house? Vile, love, honestly.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31They're not vile! Trendy, fashionable.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- There's nothing trendy about them. Bin 'em.- Right, I'll take them off.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Right. Customer is king.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Customer is king. I'm going in in my bloody socks!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46'Keyless, clueless and now shoeless,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49'it was time for yet another SOS call to the office.'
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Hi, guys. We're stuck in Capel Street, Pontypool.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I don't think we've got the right keys for this property.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59It's not just me. Charmaine can't open them either and I'm standing here in my socks. So...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Are we at the right property?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06David Dickinson wouldn't get into this mess, would he?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Can you imagine David Dickinson getting into this state, Charmaine?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Is that the one who does that antique thing?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Yeah, that's him. David Dickinson. - I'd smash him so hard in the face.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- I hate him with a venom. - Do you?- Worse than your shoes.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Really?- I once said,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24can I just go on the show so I can hit him in the face?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Call us back. Bye.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- Have you tried this one?- No.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30I don't know if I tried...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Shut up.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Oh, no!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Your shithole awaits.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41'Following Charmaine round at a safe distance,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44'it was clear that my efforts with the team hadn't been wasted.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47'The place was taking a lot of Batshit Bates' boxes.'
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Is this bogging enough for you? Is it enough of a project?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Yeah.- Enough work to do on it?- Yeah.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Look at the kitchen, love. You couldn't cope with that, could you?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Too small.- You can actually cook and wash up at the same time.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Isn't it?- That's a good thing, isn't it?- No.- OK.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Small. But knock this through, massive kitchen/dining room here,
0:25:08 > 0:25:09lounge in the front.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Could work, I suppose.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14'Hang on, my ship was coming in.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16'I could see its tattered sails on the horizon
0:25:16 > 0:25:20'and hear its rum-soaked crew crying, "Land ahoy, land ahoy!"'
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Have a look at there what's missing, right, you tell me.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Doing your estate agent bit, what's missing from that house?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29There's a chimney stack missing.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Right. Even though it looks like it's got the fires.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Obviously, it hasn't.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37No chimney, no house, end of.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- That's it.- Game over.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- I've cocked up there. - You've cocked right up.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- I really don't like this house. - OK.- Sorry.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- OK.- I really don't like it.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51It's the chimney, that's what it all comes down to on this one.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54It's the chimney. When I seen your shoes, I hated them,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57when I seen this house didn't have a chimney, I hated it.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59'I'd never feel Gav's buzz.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02'Never match Batshit to her bogging dream dump,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05'my face would never know what it was to be a happy selling face.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08'My ship had sunk. Or had it?'
0:26:08 > 0:26:12As your estate agent, I probably shouldn't say this, because...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16..you are selling your place and you're doing it through us,
0:26:16 > 0:26:20and I've brought you on as a new client to try and buy a place for you.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22So I definitely shouldn't say this.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24But I think you should stay where you are.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Everything you want, you've got in your house.- Yeah.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30If I took you to your own house now, you would buy it off me,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- shaking hands today.- 130, no questions asked.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- 130.- No questions asked.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Views of the mountains. You've got exactly what you want.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38130.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Deal. That's wicked.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Best estate agent ever!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44The best estate agent... What a day.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46What a day.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49That is the buzz. Gav said it was a buzz.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52It was a reward and it certainly is.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54'It was a masterstroke.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57'My sunken metaphorical ship had been salvaged.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00'Next morning, I couldn't wait to break the good news.'
0:27:00 > 0:27:02The big news is that Charmaine,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06I landed her as a new client and this is the really genius bit,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I said, "What you are looking for is this, this, this,
0:27:08 > 0:27:09"you've got it all already".
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Light bulb moment, she went, "Yeah, I have, you're right".
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I said, "stay in your own House".
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Flogged her her own house for the price she was looking for.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21She hasn't had to move, there's no solicitors, no surveyors.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I tell you what, I've never thought about that myself, Rhod.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25She's never been happier.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27She's over the moon. She's woken up today in her new house.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32In her old house. She's realised what she's got.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36What he said is he's lost a property for you. That's what he's saying.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Happy faces sell. I've sold.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43'As Batshit Bates headed back to her own brand-new old kill pad,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46'I looked forward to my employee of the decade award from Gav.'
0:27:48 > 0:27:50How do you think I've got on?
0:27:50 > 0:27:55Honestly? Well, for a start, you have cost us a lot of money.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58You've lost us a buyer.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00And yeah, I hate to say it to you,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Rhod, I would probably say...
0:28:05 > 0:28:06You've said enough.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I don't think you need to say anything else.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I think I get the picture. Here's the door.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15'It's been a funny old week.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18'And I actually really enjoyed it.'
0:28:18 > 0:28:20To put the keys into somebody's hands and wish them well
0:28:20 > 0:28:23in a new chapter in their life must be really exciting.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I'm guessing, because I didn't actually experience it,
0:28:26 > 0:28:28because I was hopeless.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30There's a lot more to the job than I expected.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31I was pretty bad.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Whoops!