0:00:02 > 0:00:05I'm comedian Rhod Gilbert and this is my work experience.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07This week, I'm a builder.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I couldn't wait to be a builder.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Turning up to work six weeks late and wearing your trousers so low,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18passers-by can see how many Coco Pops you had for breakfast,
0:00:18 > 0:00:20is my idea of a dream job.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23A major home-builder had lost their minds and agreed to let me
0:00:23 > 0:00:24join the skilled workforce
0:00:24 > 0:00:28on one of the largest residential developments in the UK.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Should be a laugh. I am so bad at DIY.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34I can change a plug, I can change a light bulb
0:00:34 > 0:00:36and I can change a battery. But apart from that,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39the closest these hands have come to manual work
0:00:39 > 0:00:41is probably peeling a tangerine.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I've seen that Cowboy Builders on TV a few times
0:00:43 > 0:00:45but knowing you don't make a load-bearing wall
0:00:45 > 0:00:48out of crushed digestives doesn't make you Bob the Builder.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50So I pebbledashed down to Pontypridd High School
0:00:50 > 0:00:53where building Buddha Steve Jones would start my training.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56When Steve started building, Elvis was still in the building.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58In fact, Steve was building buildings
0:00:58 > 0:01:00before Elvis had even got in the building he left.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03This is where we start. This is the beginning.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06By the end of today, you will be able to build a wall
0:01:06 > 0:01:08and you'll be confident in any of the skill areas
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- that we teach you today. - I don't believe it.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I can't even put a picture up, Steve. Honestly.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14In my house, I've got... Around the bottom of the walls,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I've put the pictures leaning against the wall
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- where they're supposed to go up. - You will be able to build a wall
0:01:19 > 0:01:21and you'll be able to put the pictures up in the house.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I've never been this excited in my life. I know I don't look it.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27If I could build a wall by the end of today, I'd be over the moon.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- You will...- I'll be over the wall.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32'Steve was like a motivational speaker trapped in Hulk Hogan
0:01:32 > 0:01:35'but even he couldn't help himself winding up the new kid.'
0:01:35 > 0:01:38That was my first trowel when I started out.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41And as you can see, how much that has worn down over the years.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43That trowel was not the same size as that,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- I don't care how long ago it was. - Rhod, I swear to you...
0:01:46 > 0:01:48You want me to go out onto a building site and go,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"Hey, have you seen how much a trowel wears down over the years?"
0:01:50 > 0:01:52And then all the builders laugh at me.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54If you're filing your nails down, that's going to go shorter
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- and shorter, so it's the exact same. - My nails aren't made of metal.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Yeah, but they're still going to go shorter.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Don't believe it.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03'My hands are soft as a poodle's puffer jacket,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07'so I couldn't wait to gain my first-ever practical DIY skills.'
0:02:07 > 0:02:10This is genuinely one of the most exciting moments of my life.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14The thought that I might be able to do some DIY for the first time ever.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Cos if I could build a wall and tile a bathroom
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and do some grouting, put some pictures up,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I might actually feel like a real man.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28At least Steve has made sure...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32..that I look the part.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Unbelievable.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38All dolled up like Barbie the builder,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42I headed out to Hulk Stevegan's real man shed for a building masterclass,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46where Steve immediately overloaded my brain with techno-waffle.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50This is a brick.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I was going to say, I could tell it was a brick.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53I was ahead of you there.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56This is the face which is the most important part of the brick.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58That's the feature, that's what you look at.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Most important part of the brick!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05On each side, that's the arris of the brick.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- That's the arris.- Yes.- There's a lot more to this brick than...
0:03:08 > 0:03:11We haven't finished yet. Never hit the brick in the face
0:03:11 > 0:03:13because you're spending a lot of money on this brick.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16So if you're going to hit somebody in the face with a brick,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- always use that side, is it?- Yeah, make sure you hit that side.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Or the arris.- Or the arris. - That's nice and sharp.- Yeah.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I'd learned how to use a brick in close hand combat
0:03:24 > 0:03:27and was moving from thick as brick shit to brixpert.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30First of all we've got the mixer, we need to produce our mortar.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32That's the stuff in between the bricks?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34That's the stuff in between the bricks.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It's important that we get the mix correct.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38It needs to be like whipped cream, a creamy, creamy mixture.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- A creamy, creamy mixture.- Creamy, creamy, whipping cream mixture.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- That's the texture. Creamy, creamy, whipping cream mixture.- Yeah.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47As we studied Hulk Stevegan's creamy mixture,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I realised there was MORTAR being a real man than I'd thought.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Can I feel your creamy, creamy...? - Yeah, get in, Rhod.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Oh, God, that is creamy, Steve. It's heavier than it looks.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- It's a nice feel on it, isn't it? - Oh, beautiful.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Where you've got to be careful with this,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06the more you play with it, the wetter it becomes, you know?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- The more you play with it, the wetter it becomes?- Yeah.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10We make sure that when it's in the mixer...
0:04:13 > 0:04:14'Hulk Stevegan was right.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17'I had to be careful not to play with his creamy mixture too much
0:04:17 > 0:04:20'cos we didn't want it running down the walls.'
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Definitely not in the top half of the group.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30'His over-creamy mixture was seeping out of my cracks
0:04:30 > 0:04:31'and Hulk Stevegan stepped in.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34'I'd greedily stuffed too much in my brick gaps, or perps,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36'as real men call them.'
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Your perps are a little bit wide,
0:04:37 > 0:04:41they're probably twice the thickness that they should be.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I used to work with a guy and they used to call him Billy Perp
0:04:44 > 0:04:47cos his perps were always big and he could never...
0:04:47 > 0:04:51So perhaps you can take that crown off him today.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- Rhod Perps.- In a good way, mind.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56'My massive perps were perplexing.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58'But soon my perps hit a perple patch
0:04:58 > 0:05:00'and with my perps perping perfect just two hours later,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03'Hulk Stevegan was crying fat, creamy, creamy tears
0:05:03 > 0:05:06'at Wales's answer to the pyramids.'
0:05:06 > 0:05:08That's really good for a first attempt.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Is it?- I'm proud. And you should be proud.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- You're not going to cry, are you? - Almost. I'm welling up!
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Already a master bricklayer, time to move on to tree flesh, AKA wood,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22and I was handed over to a real woman, carpenter Sian.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You can fit everything I know about carpentry on a woodpecker's pecker,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and Sian's triple X-rated commentary wasn't helping.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31That's it. Long strokes. Not too fast.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33You sound like a porn director.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36"Long strokes, take your time."
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Thanks for that. - "That's it, just there. That's it."
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Blow your dust away.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Yeah, they probably wouldn't say that, though.- No.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Sian had given me some basic safety tips.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Long strokes, watch the line, not the saw,
0:05:47 > 0:05:48and if it goes numb, falls off,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51and gets eaten by a passing dog, stop sawing.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52But I was flying.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Sian was my muse and wood was clearly my medium.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Right, well, I'm going to leave you to put this one up,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02and let's see how far you can get on your own.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I think this is my thing. I think I've found my calling.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22If that is flush against there, then that sits like that.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Which is not good.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Ah, shit.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37That is not flush there, is it?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53I'm sure that this isn't exactly how you're supposed to do it...
0:06:53 > 0:06:54but I go by results.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Shit.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I was determined not to let the window frame make me look a twat.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07But my maths are terrible and when Sian left the calculations to me,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I knew she was either mad, stupid or all five.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Writing on a table feels quite workman-y.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I'll probably... They write on bits of wood, don't they?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Take away 603, borrow one, pay back...
0:07:20 > 0:07:24114.5, 114.5 is 11...
0:07:24 > 0:07:27So is this 114.5?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30No. But then, I did saw some of it off.
0:07:30 > 0:07:320.5. I don't know why I'm measuring this now.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I've literally forgotten completely what I'm doing.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You could be the best measurer in the world,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40but if your maths are off,
0:07:40 > 0:07:41it doesn't matter if you're John Le Mesurier,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44woodwork that should work won't work.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I'm pretty happy with that.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53A few coats of paint, I reckon that'll be all right.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56The day had been fun so far, but for my final challenge,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58things took a serious turn as Hulk Stevegan
0:07:58 > 0:08:02delved into my personal life with an incredibly intrusive question.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Have we ever done any tiling? - No.- None at all?- No.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09'Like a dog with a bomb, Steve just wouldn't let it lie.'
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Have you seen anybody tiling in the kitchens or bathrooms, showers?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Only from a distance.- Oh, right.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17'Steve had cut my soul clean open
0:08:17 > 0:08:19'and then he just started applying tile adhesive
0:08:19 > 0:08:22'like nothing had happened.'
0:08:22 > 0:08:24So, if you want to make up a bit of a pattern
0:08:24 > 0:08:28out of the red and black, whether you put two reds, two blacks,
0:08:28 > 0:08:33- one red, one black, three blacks, two reds.- I'm thinking...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35What colour would you want to go for now?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- Black, please, Rachel.- Black.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38- What colour would you like? - Black, please.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I can see what you're thinking.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42You're thinking of this pattern, aren't you?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43- What about on the next row, Rhod? - Black, please.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- On the left or the right? - Oh, God. Erm...
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- Left.- Left.- No, right! - What about above the red?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Black, please.- Black. What about above the black?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- Black, please.- You're going for black again?- Yeah, please.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00What colour would you like now, Rhod, above the black?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Black, please.- Black.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Can you carry on from here now, Rhod?- Yeah.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- And then I'll come back and assess it.- OK.- Is that OK?- Yeah.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16'I was still raw from having my soul exposed
0:09:16 > 0:09:18'but the tiling was taking my mind off it
0:09:18 > 0:09:22'and I was as close to happy as someone tiling can be.'
0:09:22 > 0:09:23God, this is a piece of piss.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I've been too harsh on myself all these years.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28How exciting is this? I can do DIY.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Look at the speed I'm working.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Wouldn't get a workman working this fast, I'll tell you that.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36'My hands have seen less work than Boris Johnson's hairnet,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38'but Steve dashed back with feedback on my splashback
0:09:38 > 0:09:41'and my splashback wasn't slapdash so he gave my back a slap.'
0:09:41 > 0:09:42We did discuss a pattern.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- I'd give you a choice of red or black.- Yeah.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47But you didn't give me the choice on the first tile.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50You just stuck a red one up. I wanted an all-black wall.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52That red was a really bad choice.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- But don't you think it looks nice? - It does look nice, yeah.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- It looks really nice. - It's a talking point.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00'It was time to down tools at the building school
0:10:00 > 0:10:02'but before I left, Hulk Stevegan wanted to see
0:10:02 > 0:10:05'if any of his real man stuff had rubbed off on me.'
0:10:05 > 0:10:07How's your confidence levels now, Rhod,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- after your training session here? - Sky-high, mate.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I never ever, ever, ever thought
0:10:12 > 0:10:15that I would ever do any piece of DIY.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18You're a different person now to what you was when you came in here.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20You'll walk out of here proud now today.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I have every faith in you, Rhod. Good luck on your journey.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29'The building Buddha was right. I was halfway to being a real man.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32'All I needed now was some really manly real man tools.'
0:10:32 > 0:10:35You've done the construction department here proud today.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Look at that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38I don't want to seem ungrateful,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41but I think far from being the envy of the building trade,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44if they see a new brickie with his name on his own trowel,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46they're going to kick the shit out of me!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48They'll be dangling me off the top floor!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51You haven't got a nice My Little Pony sandwich box
0:10:51 > 0:10:54or something that would really set it off?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I was only 48, but it was time I left school
0:10:56 > 0:10:58and got some work experience.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00The scent of 1,000 exposed bum cracks
0:11:00 > 0:11:02led me to the massive Newport site.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I looked like a tool and felt like a spanner as I met my new boss,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07John Harris.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- John.- Good morning.- Hiya. - How are you doing?- Thank you.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Erm, erm...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Yeah, please tell me you've got something else I can wear.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15You'll need to take that off, I think.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18John gave me a guided tour of all the different trades on his site
0:11:18 > 0:11:20and introduced me to some really real men,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22bricklayers Darren and Kieran.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Between them, they knew more about building walls than Donald Trump.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27This is a single garage.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29We normally get this built in about two days.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Basically, take it up 21, that'll be the first lift,
0:11:32 > 0:11:3521 courses of brick. They put the scaffold up.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37And then we go up then, eight courses then.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39And they put a wall plate on and then the roof goes on it.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I'll level with you, Darren, I've got absolutely no idea
0:11:41 > 0:11:44what you're talking about, mate. None of it.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Bricks, I know that one. - Yeah.- Bricks, roof.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48How many bricks do you reckon you could lay in an hour?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I don't really work by the hour, to be honest with you.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I've only laid about ten bricks in my entire life.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55The average brickie is laying 700-800.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Some lay up to 1,000 a day.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59So, I'm going to have to work about an 80-hour day, is that right?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- Yeah, probably, yeah. - To get it done!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Oh, creamy, creamy mortar.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I'd have to lay faster than a battery hen
0:12:05 > 0:12:06and my perps would have to be perp-fect.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09And real men got paid by the brick, so if I slowed them up,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11they'd literally have no roof over their heads.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- You get paid by the brick, then? - Yeah, per brick.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14I knew that brickies kind of had to work hard,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17get the bricks up, but I thought that was just to hit deadlines.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I didn't realise you actually got paid per brick.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- How much per brick?- 40p per brick. - 40p a brick?- Yeah.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- And some guys can lay, well, 800 or 1,000 even.- Yeah.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- So 1,000 bricks at 40p... - Some of them can, yeah.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- ..that's 400 quid a day.- Yeah.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Or £1.40 for me.- Yeah. Be all right!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37My fledgling confidence was wavering.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I'd only built one wall and it hadn't even reached my knees.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41And John was keen to stress that my neck
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and a lot of other necks were on the line.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Every trade here is on a price.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49So if I hold them up...
0:12:49 > 0:12:50It costs them money.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53God. It's only money, though, isn't it?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55It's only money, yeah. It's only money.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56That's what I'm going to say to them.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58But it's programming as well, so...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00So it's only money and programming.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- Customers.- And customers.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03It's only money and programming and customers
0:13:03 > 0:13:06and that they have food on the table and their kids have shoes
0:13:06 > 0:13:08and they can pay their mortgages.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Whether they have to declare themselves bankrupt.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11It's only all that stuff. Come on, lads!
0:13:11 > 0:13:12- Come on.- Have a laugh about it!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Darren's kids, they're not big eaters anyway, are they?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16No, no, no. I don't think so.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19I was as ready to do hard, physical work
0:13:19 > 0:13:21as a mole snoozing against a ripened peach
0:13:21 > 0:13:25and John was worried I'd jeopardise the entire housing estate.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Seeing how I fitted into the bigger picture
0:13:26 > 0:13:29might give me a wake-up call.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32So, how long would it be to finish one of these from scratch, John?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Roughly around 20, 24 weeks.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Obviously, we're building 30, 40, 50 at a time.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Yeah, I'll do one and we'll see how we go.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- We'll see how we go with that! - See how we get on, yeah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44There's just so much for me to botch.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46'I was joking around nervously,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48'but if I held up his house-building factory line,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51'John'd come down on me like a tonne of bricks and something told me
0:13:51 > 0:13:54'his mixture wouldn't be anywhere near as creamy as Steve's.'
0:13:54 > 0:13:57How quickly will you know whether I'm cut out for this?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- I'll know pretty quick. - You'll know pretty quick?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- An hour or so.- An hour or so?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I'll know whether you can lay a brick or cut some timber.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- So, if I'm still here after an hour...- Yes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- ..tomorrow.- You've done well. - I'll be doing all right?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Yeah, you'll be doing well.- Do you kick people off pretty quickly
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- if they're not up to scratch? - Yes, we do, yeah.- Pressure's on.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I think the big worry is for tomorrow that I fall behind.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23The pace these guys work at is pretty impressive.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25It's been explained pretty clearly to me today
0:14:25 > 0:14:27that there's a domino effect. Boom, boom, boom.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30A knock-on effect on everyone else if I hold things up
0:14:30 > 0:14:33and I do not want to be that first domino.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41It was time to do real jobs with real men with real families
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and real kids who wanted real food and real Christmas presents.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Shit was getting really real.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47First up, brickying with Darren and Kieran,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50where John wanted to see a garage by the end of the day.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I just hoped my mortar would be as creamy as it ought to,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55cos I was determined not to let John boot me off site.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Basically we've got a garage ready now for you to run in.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Grab a trowel and we'll give you a quick show how to do it.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- I've got my own trowel. - You've got your own trowel,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- you want to use your own, do you? - Looks like a shovel.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Personalised trowel. I like that, that's very nice.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08I thought...
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- this might get the shit kicked out of me on site, I thought.- Maybe.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15In the business, Darren was known as the Chosen One, Golden Bricks,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18El Bricko, and he wouldn't let me near his sacred bricks
0:15:18 > 0:15:20without a quick induction.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Tap him in so he's flush with the line.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Tap him in, you said.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- Bricks are him, are they? - You can have female or male ones.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28All depends how many holes.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30THEY LAUGH
0:15:30 > 0:15:33So, we'll leave you in peace now over here to crack on and have a go.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I was going as fast as I could but me keeping up with El Bricko
0:15:36 > 0:15:40was about as likely as Nigel Farage winning the Eurovision Song Contest.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I think I'm doing all right. I'm...
0:15:44 > 0:15:49incredibly slow but I think the quality is all right.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Is this really slow?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- Yeah, quite slow.- Quite slow. - Yeah. But it's nothing that...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Like, an apprentice would be exactly the same, like.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- I'm only as shit as an apprentice? - Oh, you're not that good yet.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02But you've got to pick the pace up now and go for it, all right?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Pace, pace, pace.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06We're on a price, boys.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09'I started laying faster than Hugh Hefner on heat,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11'throwing down bricks like prisoners on a roof.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13'If I'd been a singer, I'd have been Brick Astley.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16'If I'd been an actor, I'd have been Brick-ole Kidman.'
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Oh, he's racing now, boys. He is racing now.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Rhod, you only get paid for tidy bricks!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I can't talk now, Darren, I'm on a price, mate.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26You get on with your own job there, Darren.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31'We were against the clock and the clock was getting its ass kicked.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34'But my back has done less work than Katie Hopkins's conscience.'
0:16:34 > 0:16:37My back is absolutely killing me.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Right, there is a secret for your back.- Yeah?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Yeah, just man up and get on with it.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43If your back's not hurting, you're not working hard enough.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45My back's hurting.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Kieran, is your back hurting? - Yeah.- Everyone's in pain.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51'I'd smashed through John's one-hour probationary period
0:16:51 > 0:16:52'and he hadn't kicked me off site.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55'I was having really creamy, creamy man banter with El Bricko
0:16:55 > 0:16:58'and actually starting to look the part.'
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I think my arse is just starting to show as well,
0:17:00 > 0:17:01it's just starting to...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Trousers just started to come down at the back.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05And my pants.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Perps in the wall and perp on show.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10My bum perp is just starting to appear. Didn't think I'd get...
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Just don't get cement in that perp, it hurts.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Do they teach you the arse thing in college and stuff,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16get an NVQ or something in it, do you?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Yeah, NVQ in where to park a bike.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21'I'd managed not to fall behind
0:17:21 > 0:17:23'but in my effort to keep up with El Bricko,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25'the quality of my work might have fallen a smidge.'
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I was trying to do it, like, at pace,
0:17:35 > 0:17:36I was trying to pick up the pace a bit...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38We could use it, take it over there
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- and put a climbing wall up for the children.- Yeah.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42I put my builder's arse into it.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Yeah, it looks like you built it with your builder's arse.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50'Some say you can see the Great Wall of China from space,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53'but you can see space through mine, and apparently that was a problem.'
0:17:53 > 0:17:56But I thought possibly a design innovation.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59A little letterbox or a cat flap or something like that.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Marks out of ten?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Minus 38.- Minus 38.- Minus 38, yeah.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- So it could've been worse. - It could've been much worse.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- It could've been minus 40, minus 50, easy.- Yeah.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10I wanted to be kind.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13'Build it and they will come, the saying goes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15'They being bloody John in my case.'
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I think we're going to have to just take it down and
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- clean it all up.- Yeah.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23It wasn't good.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- It looks all right. - We'd never accept that.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29We've counted it all up and you laid about 80 bricks,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32so you would have earned about £32,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34but, unfortunately, it's going to cost you a bit more than that now
0:18:34 > 0:18:36because we've got to take it all down.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39But as you take it down, I need you to clean it all up as well,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- put it into the skip.- Bastard.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Well, it's not right, is it?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48'Hadrian's Wall had marked the limits of the Roman Empire.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51'Mine marked the limits of my building skills.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53'And the real world was a lot less forgiving
0:18:53 > 0:18:55'than Hulk Stevegan's loved-up classroom.'
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It's just disappointing to try a job
0:18:59 > 0:19:02that you think you'll be completely useless at
0:19:02 > 0:19:05and, erm...find out you're right.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07'My wall and my confidence had both collapsed
0:19:07 > 0:19:10'but I'd cost El Bricko money and held everyone up,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12'so sympathy was in short supply.'
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Come on, we want to build it back up, hurry up.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Run.- I can't run, it's health and safety.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18We'll make an exception.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20'After my wonder wall,
0:19:20 > 0:19:21'back beat the word was on the street
0:19:21 > 0:19:24'that the fire in John's heart was out.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26'But maybe John was going to be the one that saved me,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28'because he gave me another chance.'
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Well, I'm determined that I'm going
0:19:29 > 0:19:33to find something I'm good at because at the moment it's...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36no irony, we're in a place where the streets have no names
0:19:36 > 0:19:39and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41'John hoped water would be more my thing than mortar,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43'but you could fit everything I know about plumbing
0:19:43 > 0:19:45'on Christopher Plummer's plums.'
0:19:47 > 0:19:48What's the worst that can happen, then, John,
0:19:48 > 0:19:49if I don't get this right?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Well, the worst thing that could happen
0:19:51 > 0:19:52is you're going to get a leak.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56All the boarding, all the woodwork, a leak would ruin it all.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Leaks are very bad at this stage.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00OK. I'll bear that in mind.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04'I've seen muscly plumbers with big tool boxes in the movies,
0:20:04 > 0:20:06'but a lot of them weren't even Corgi-registered
0:20:06 > 0:20:08'and hadn't taught me much about fitting radiators,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11'so I was pretty nervous about plumbing one in.'
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I can confidently say I've never used a drill in my life.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I haven't botched it up that bad yet.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I feel like I'm doing all right.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25'My plumbing was plumb and not a drop of water spilt.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30'I'd popped my drill cherry and hung the nuts out of my first radiator.'
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Ho-ho, look at that!- That's pretty good, that's pretty good.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34- Pretty good?- It's pretty good.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37That is the first thing I've done right since I've been here.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Well done.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41'If I'd been an explorer I'd have been Christopher Plumbus,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43'et cetera, et cetera.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45'Aaron looked like he was going to celebrate long into the night
0:20:45 > 0:20:48'and I couldn't wait to see the look on John's bastard face.'
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I just fitted a radiator, mate.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Any good?- Aaron said it was good.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Perfection, it was. Come and have a look.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Out of ten, I'd give you a ten, nine and a half.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Quality's very good.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00'9.5!
0:21:00 > 0:21:04' Minus 38 on the bricks and mortar to a near perfect ten on the water.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07'I'd finally got my real man wings and I was here to stay.'
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- What you do now is plumb it in, yeah?- Yeah.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Oh, shit!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Get the bucket. Behind you.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21It was all going so bloody well!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24And now we've bloody flooded the place.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Why is there water coming through the ceiling down below?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28When I cut that pipe, it didn't even occur to me
0:21:28 > 0:21:30that it was full of water.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I'm really gutted about that, I was doing so well, mate.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I was flying. I got too overconfident.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37'Pissing piss pipes.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39'My arcing plumb spread soiled the room
0:21:39 > 0:21:41'and once again John made me repair the damage.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44'I was no more a plumber than Noel Edmonds on a banana boat
0:21:44 > 0:21:46'is an effective coastal defence strategy.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48'But at least word hadn't got round.'
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Fucking water goes everywhere... - LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:52CHEERING
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Cup of tea, please.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Heard all about your work.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- How bad you did. - RHOD LAUGHS
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Not you as well.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Have you heard anything positive about my workmanship?
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- Not really.- What, you haven't heard a single positive word about it?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13They said that you really are a trier.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14"You really are a trier."
0:22:18 > 0:22:19I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24I thought builders... I thought the standards are going to be sloppy,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I thought I'd be all right, I'll find a skill,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I'll do it pretty badly and that'll be fine, that's what builders do,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32isn't it? But on a site like this, everything's done to a standard,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35everything's got to come up to a certain quality.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36It's getting on my nerves, frankly.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'm failing at every... every hurdle.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41'Against his better judgment,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44'John agreed to give me one last chance to get my real man wings
0:22:44 > 0:22:47'but it was out of the frying pan and into the deep fat fryer.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49'That's right, I was going to be a chippy.'
0:22:49 > 0:22:51You'll be doing a little bit of cutting,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54a bit of measuring and a bit of fixing. It's quite straightforward.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55I've done a bit of cutting, bit of fixing.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Straight away it needed fixing.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59You can use a tape measure and eight saw.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00The only thing I felt very confident with,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02ever, really, is a tape measure.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04If you're looking for a full-time measurer, John...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I don't think we'll have anything for full-time measurers.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Do you get paid by the millimetre with measuring?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Not on measuring, no.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14'I'd be working on a timber-framed garage roof with carpenter Ben,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17'who'd cut more wood than Pinocchio's hairdresser.'
0:23:20 > 0:23:21It says, "Danger, do not climb," Ben.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- That's only when it's attached to the ladder.- Oh.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25It's all right now, is it?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I did keep three points of contact on the ladder at all times.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Three points of contact?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Well, what was that - telephone, e-mail and a letter?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Yeah, that's it!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36'By now I was so desperate to get my real man badge,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38'I was prepared to saw through my own genitals to get it.'
0:23:39 > 0:23:42You need to find somewhere comfortable, really.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Do I straddle it and then do that?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48No, no, that's a bit dodgy, that is.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51'Ben's tedious insistence on health and safety
0:23:51 > 0:23:53'was rooted in painful experience.'
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I know there was a lad who had trousers on in the summer
0:23:57 > 0:23:59who tried cutting his trouser leg off
0:23:59 > 0:24:01while he had his trousers on with a Stanley knife...
0:24:01 > 0:24:02HE LAUGHS
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- And....- No!- And he cut his leg!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- What's the end of the story? - Well, the moral of the story,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10the moral of the story is take the bloody things off.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Buy a pair of shorts.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14'I wasn't sure what Ben had been eating,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17'but his wood was harder than anything I'd come up against.'
0:24:17 > 0:24:19We're getting there.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Only three more to do after this.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Do you get paid by the...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- I am on a price.- You are on a price?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- Yeah.- So you get paid by what?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Well, by BAC normally.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34- By bank transfer!- Yeah!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37'I'd come, I'd sawed, but I certainly wasn't conquering.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40'Five minutes in, and somehow we were hours behind.'
0:24:40 > 0:24:42They've nearly finished theirs over there
0:24:42 > 0:24:44and they started at the same time.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Did they start at the same time as us?- Yeah.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Am I losing you money going this slow, Ben?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- Probably, yes.- Yeah?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- Have you got kids?- I've got four.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Four kids? One or two of them might have to go without this month.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Or you can take one or two with you.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02'After mortar-gate and water-gate, if I cost him any more money,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04'this could be Ben's son and daughter-gate.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07'It was official - the less I did, the more we got done.'
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Ben's just cracking on now and I'm just...
0:25:10 > 0:25:15his lovely assistant. I'm basically a glorified vice.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- So all I'm doing now is holding stuff.- Right, if you hold this.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20THEY LAUGH
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Brilliant!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Bit of double holding.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25'I'd discovered a hidden talent.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27'As my confidence in holding grew,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29'I started to improvise and soon developed
0:25:29 > 0:25:34'my own unique range of holding techniques.'
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Good holding there, Rhod.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38One of the best holders I've ever seen.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I can't hear you, my ear defenders.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I'm basically just fielding abuse now, that's why I'm here.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45'Holding was my calling.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49'It had been calling me for ages but ironically I'd had it on hold.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50'I'd finally released my inner workman
0:25:50 > 0:25:54'and even started making excuses like a real builder.'
0:25:54 > 0:25:56This garage is about two foot longer than the others.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Well, there we are, then. - That's why we're so far behind.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- It's nothing to do with me.- No!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Why is this garage so long, then, Ben?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Perhaps they own a limo, I don't know.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08A bus driver or...?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13'John dropped by expecting to find another botch job
0:26:13 > 0:26:15'but instead he was blown away
0:26:15 > 0:26:18'by the all-new Black & Decker Work-Rhod.'
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Ben said I was one of the best holders he's ever seen.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21- Is that right, Ben?- Yeah.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I've never seen a holder quite like it before.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I'd done a little bit of cutting, a little bit of marking,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28a little bit of measuring but mainly holding.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30You've held them up well, Rhod. Very good.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37There's been a few glimmers of light.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41My builder's bum was coming on quite well for a while
0:26:41 > 0:26:43but ultimately it's all been pretty bad.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44There's only one thing, really,
0:26:44 > 0:26:49that I've actually been good at throughout consistently...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52..and that is holding.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# So I'm holding on
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# I'll keep holding on... #
0:26:57 > 0:27:01'It was humbling to think one day these houses would all be finished
0:27:01 > 0:27:03'and someone sitting in their new home
0:27:03 > 0:27:05'could be sitting near something I'd held for someone.'
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# Holding on
0:27:07 > 0:27:12# I'll keep holding on to you... #
0:27:14 > 0:27:18- Will you shake it now, Rhod?- I'm a holder, not a shaker.- Fair enough.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Just summing up your week, erm...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I think I'm going to prepare myself
0:27:29 > 0:27:33by putting on my protective goggles ready for your assessment.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34You've cost us a lot this week.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Programming, time...
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- Customers.- Customers.- Food on the table.- Food on the table.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43There would have been no food on the table.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- There's none of that. - There'd be no table, John.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51You were good at holding,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- I will give that to you. - Can I have a sweet?
0:27:55 > 0:27:56No.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- Can I hold one for a bit?- Yes.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12You can put it back now.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Sorry.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20'I came, I saw and I buggered it all up and I'm a bit gutted.'
0:28:20 > 0:28:21But I've had a great time,
0:28:21 > 0:28:25they were a great bunch of people, a great community, great camaraderie.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27And I've had really good fun.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31I just would have liked to have been slightly more essential
0:28:31 > 0:28:33on that site.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Hey-ho.