0:00:04 > 0:00:05You see, people respect you, Val.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08You can walk into a staff room and yes, yeah,
0:00:08 > 0:00:12Peter might laugh at food tech but nobody laughs at you.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Where I see injustice, I will speak.
0:00:14 > 0:00:19Roger, you work in the Winter Gardens, there is no injustice.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22This is the second row I've had tonight about fish fingers.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Well, it's obviously not about fish fingers.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27They're merely a symptom of my malaise.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30You should be wise about life because the biggest thing
0:00:30 > 0:00:34in life has happened to you - your baby died.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I still feel I'm his Mum! Mummy!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40And you don't feel like you're someone's dad.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43So what? No I don't, I admit it.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I was someone's dad for five and a half weeks.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47How did it go?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Oh, very well indeed, very well. Couldn't have gone better.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I was legally astute and stung like a bee.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- I've been sacked. - What?
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Yes, I've been sacked.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59So much for the tough guy act.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04I thought about a tribunal, Val, but I really don't think I can face it.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07You? Roger Stevenson?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09You should have prayed all your life to be sacked
0:01:09 > 0:01:12because this will be your finest hour.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13You'll be brilliant.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's not what you say, it's how you say it, Val.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Oh, I see,
0:01:20 > 0:01:24so I'm gagged from speaking about anything to do with personal hygiene.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I needed it quickly. I woke up desperate.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Well, all I'm saying is that I would like to have had a bath in the hotel
0:01:29 > 0:01:31with all the lovely free stuff.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Val, I had no clothes on. There you go.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I'm first this time.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I had no clothes on, I'd had a lot to drink the night before.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40That made it worse.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43No, it made it impossible for me to use the reception toilet.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Oh, please, feel free to use your own toilet.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47You could have had a bath.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51I couldn't! It was an extremely inefficient extractor fan.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I said if you use the bubble bath,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56it would have risen up and killed the smell.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Those places never provide you with any bleach,
0:01:59 > 0:02:00which is what I do at home.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I don't mind at home.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Which is why we get through bottles of bleach very quickly.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07We've got a window at home.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Oh, I'm not taking this, I'm not.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20In a hotel I like, as a woman,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24to go in there and use all the lovely stuff.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27This morning, that was taken away from me.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Val, I've said nothing about your behaviour, gasping for air,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34"Ooh, have you been to the toilet? Ooh, close the door, oh".
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Oh, all this over one single sentence,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39"I wish I could have had a bath".
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- Don't turn the lamp on! - No lamp.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44No, sorry, Roger, I don't mean to be horrible,
0:02:44 > 0:02:45it's just I feel very...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47..it's the depression of the unpacking
0:02:47 > 0:02:49and the bleakness of the house.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Yeah.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Until we're done, I'd prefer it that we kept it as bleak as possible.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57No, no, Val, not on a Sunday night,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00not after I've been hauled up for human functions.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Oh, come on now, come on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Because, look, when we're all unpacked, it'll be transformed.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08The lights will be on, the curtains will be drawn
0:03:08 > 0:03:11and then we'll be home, nothing more to do.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16Well, you'll be glad to know the heating hasn't come on as well then.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Well, since we're going ahead with bleak,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I'm turning the fire on in the sitting room.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Bleak.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27Uh, I'm cold, I've got a slight headache over one eye,
0:03:27 > 0:03:32I've even got jaw ache from eating all of these wine gums.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Oh, don't, Roger, otherwise I will just sit down.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Sorry.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Good. Bleak.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Yeah.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43See? Dreadful.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47I don't want to sit down or not unpack at all, do you see?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And then it's straight up the cold stairs in my coat.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51- It's going to be awful.- Yeah.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Grim, and then it won't be,
0:03:53 > 0:03:57because when the lamps are on we've unpacked, haven't we?
0:03:57 > 0:03:58And we can sit down.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Can't even begin to think about that.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06That should be on now, is that better?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Mmm. Oh, yeah.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- Oh, thank you, Val. - Hey!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Ha ha!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15'Don't stop me, don't stop me, don't stop me' eh, Val?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Last night did you a load of good didn't it, Rog?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Because I was "having a good time, having a good time".
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Every song that came on, it was like, "ah, yeah, this one!"
0:04:24 > 0:04:27That one in particular but can you understand why, Val?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Yeah, because it could have been written for you, Rog.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Yes, yes, it could!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And I was thinking Val,
0:04:33 > 0:04:37"I'm a shooting start leaping through the sky like a tiger
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"defying Phil Hewlett at the tribunal!"
0:04:39 > 0:04:44Well, you can tell where my... what I was thinking there.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Yeah, yeah. Well, I knew that really, from the sprint.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53What, what sprint, love?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Well, you did a sprint, Roger,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00an actual sprint four times very fast round the dance floor.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03But it was the sprint of a man who will win his tribunal.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05That's what I saw.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I, I was OK, wasn't I? With the dancing?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Yeah.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16That, that was true even for "Eye of the Tiger", wasn't it?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Well, that was when you did the sprint.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20But, er, yeah.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Oh.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Buzz, buzz, buzz, sacked, sacked, sacked, that's all I heard.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35No, you didn't, Roger, because you're never off the dance floor
0:05:35 > 0:05:38and as well as that, nobody said it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- I'm getting far too comfortable now. - Mmm.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49I am pulling myself away from here... now.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Can you have a cup of tea in the bleak regime?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Yes, so long as I take it straight upstairs.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06- Here, Roger, from Mike. - What?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- He asked me to give you this when we got home.- What is it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10I don't know.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14He said "I can't give it to him myself, otherwise I'll be in pieces."
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Two Little Boys.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25A message, "Good luck for the tribunal my brother, Mike."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Aww.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30It's our childhood copy.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33The one my mother used...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Oh, there's room on his horse for two. Yeah.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Oh, that's lovely, Roger.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Well, it's, you know, Rolf Harris doing what he does very well.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I'm glad they didn't play that last night.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Well, they never would, Roger.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50No, but that would have tipped me over the edge.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Why don't men ever put kisses?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57No. Simple words, Val, and a grand gesture.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I have some sympathy for Mike's hair
0:07:04 > 0:07:07but if you are the father of the bride,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09your own hair should not upstage your daughter.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10No.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I mean, what actually has happened to his hair, Roger?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Val, I've said, I don't know.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Shock, it's got to be.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19It's not just the hair on his head, is it?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22His eyebrows have gone completely white and his eyelashes
0:07:22 > 0:07:23- and probably, you know...- Val.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Well, I'm just saying!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Five weeks ago, his hair was as dark as yours.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30They should have said something.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Yes, they should,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34because as they were coming up the aisle it wasn't, you know,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"Oh, lovely, here comes the bride."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39It was, "What on earth has happened to Mike's hair?"
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I don't know. He's not ill.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44No, it's shock.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Or his hair has come so far down the road in life
0:07:48 > 0:07:52that it simply hurled itself off a cliff.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53But you're right,
0:07:53 > 0:07:57they should have called each one of the guests and told them...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Actually, it's tricky, isn't it?
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Maybe texted them and said "Mike's hair's gone white overnight."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"Big changes here, including Mike's hair."
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Yeah.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Oh, I know what I would have done,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I'd have got Mike and said, "Come and have your photo taken,"
0:08:13 > 0:08:16and I would have sent a copy of that to each one of the guests
0:08:16 > 0:08:20and written a note on it saying "Proud dad, please look at photo".
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Brilliant.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23That's how I'd have handled it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28Or, "Proud dad and daughter, please look."
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Yes, that's better, actually.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Superb, Val.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33That is clever.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Because it doesn't face it head on but it does deal with it.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Actually, Rog, can you move this Sunday paper?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42It's like 15 other people coming into the house,
0:08:42 > 0:08:46all jibber-jabbering at me, all vying for my attention.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- Rog. - Oh, yeah.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Where's my glasses?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Oh. Right, rubbish, rubbish.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Roger!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09It's the deputy headship letter.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Right.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Val, I'm calm,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I am confident
0:09:19 > 0:09:21and I'm right behind you.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24And I am ice cool.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I am.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Don't care either way.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Yeah.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Oh, Jesus.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Oh God, what does it say?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Right, right.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42I've got an interview.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Oh, Val, congratulations.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Oh, I've got to sit down.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Oh I've been shortlisted, I'm on a shortlist, Roger.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Oh, oh, oh, Val, let's see.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- "We are delighted .. - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03"Shortlisted for an interview," oh, Val, I'm over the moon.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Oh, why couldn't we have known about this last night?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I mean, that's come after we've left, hasn't it?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13That has been sitting on the mat all the time we've been at that hotel.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16If we'd known, last night we'd have been a couple on the up.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Yeah! Whoa, oh yeah.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21And look at us, everyone - Roger's fighting unfair dismissal
0:10:21 > 0:10:24and I'm on a shortlist for a Deputy Headship.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Woo! Look at us!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27You know what song I would have got on...
0:10:27 > 0:10:33# I shot the Sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy #
0:10:33 > 0:10:36No, Roger, please don't tempt my fate for me.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Right, then, I wouldn't have. - Not that.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I would have chosen...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43# Come on Eileen! #
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Something like that, that would have been better.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48This is great news, isn't it?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Ah.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Oh.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01The tactical mistake we've made, you know what it was?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04We've stopped at a Little Chef at half past five.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05- I know.- Oh.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09You're lulled into it. Grey road, it's raining.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- What a night we could now have had. - Don't, Val.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18I'm massively out of kilter, are you?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Roger, 20 quid a head for the hotel breakfast?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Mmm, really annoying,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26then another 35 at the Little Chef. I didn't even want that burger.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Jesus, I'm behaving like a person in full-time employment.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Mmm, worst by far was the hotel breakfast.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I mean, hindsight is a wonderful thing
0:11:34 > 0:11:37but what we could have done there is been clever.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40You should have said "My wife will have nothing, thank you,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- "and I will have the full works for one."- Yeah.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45There was a mug in the bedroom.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I'd have been happy to use that for my coffee. And a plate.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I'd have the mug, you could have the official stuff.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Why did we own up?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- 40 quid for breakfast, Val. - Oh.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I only wanted to stop at Little Chef because I thought,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"Oh come, on come on, it's the last weekend before the tribunal,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"go for it."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04How was your open chicken sandwich?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It was all right.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07You see, my burger was mediocre.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10You know, even with the good news,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I don't think I can eat anything else at all tonight, can you?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15No, definitely not.
0:12:19 > 0:12:25The only... only thing I might fancy, maybe...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27is a curry.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30See, but that would have to be at ten o'clock.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Then there's no way because that would be another £17.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Val?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I can't believe this.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Well, it takes a while to sink in good news.- Yeah.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44- Val, Val, Val? - Yeah?
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Sod the unpacking.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50No, Roger, no. Bring your tea with you - come on, upstairs.
0:12:50 > 0:12:5220 minutes and we'll be done.
0:12:52 > 0:12:59We can really enjoy it then, you know, put the lamps on, pull the curtains.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01He was a nice bloke, Val, the Hebridean vet.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Yeah. Don't forget the hangers, Roger.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07And his wife was.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Did you meet her?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11She has never cut her hair in her life.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16She said to me, "I've never cut my hair in my life."
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- On the bed? - Yeah, for now.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27She said where they live,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30the whole village would come out and follow the bride.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35She said "We're not used to this, people in hotels."
0:13:35 > 0:13:38It was quite hard, Val, for me to go to the wedding.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41What you saw last night was more than a bit of bravado.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44The vet's wife, when you were dancing, she said
0:13:44 > 0:13:49"Who does your husband fight? For he wrestles with more than music."
0:13:49 > 0:13:50You see, if we lived where they live,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53there's no way I would have been sacked.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Phil and I would sort it out on fiddle night down the pub.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Mmm, I don't know.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Oh, she also said, "We have cold winds."
0:14:01 > 0:14:05You see, we'd be known enemies on the island, me and Phil.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09When he died, I'd cry, if I died first, he'd cry.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Did you tell her the whole saga?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14No, I just told her you'd been unfairly dismissed
0:14:14 > 0:14:19and she said, "The man with the big nose thinks everyone speaks of it."
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Meaning what?
0:14:21 > 0:14:26Uh, well, meaning that your tribunal is your big nose.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27I think.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29It's island wisdom.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31No, I don't know.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34When me and Phil are old...
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Roger!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37If we met on this Scottish island...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40would we not be able to go for a pint and the craic would be good?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Yes, YOU would. It's Phil that's the problem.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46It was on the tip of my fingers last night to text him
0:14:46 > 0:14:49and say "Come on, Phil, let's sort this out, mate."
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Have you done that?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52- No, I haven't. - Have you?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55No, I double-checked this morning.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Last night, it's the oddest thing, Val.- Go on.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01When we were dancing, I really wished Phil was there.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02It sounds stupid
0:15:02 > 0:15:07but he would have seen when I was dancing with every fibre of my being
0:15:07 > 0:15:14that I wanted goodness and he'd have said "Roger, come back, mate."
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Yeah, well, that's why they have tribunals, Rog,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20so that you can get things sorted out in an official way
0:15:20 > 0:15:22because you can't do it at a disco.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24How sad.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Last night I would have grabbed Phil's waist in the conga.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28- I wouldn't.- Please, Val.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I'd have done Oops Upside Your Head with Phil.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I'd have done Hi-ho Silver Lining with him.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Last night I danced for everyone, last night...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39..I danced for Phil.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Sorry.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I was having such a good time when I came up here.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Oh, Rog.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49It's all right, it's, it's just stress
0:15:49 > 0:15:52because it all kicks off next week.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Oh, God, it's really hitting me now.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I hope the car passes its MoT, because if it doesn't,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I'm going to have to go to the tribunal on my bike.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Sorry.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Put this toilet bag in the bathroom, Roger.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Right.- And check that the radiators are working in there.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Val, I'm really sorry about this.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13You're, you're right it's stress.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18Radiator in here needs bleeding. I'll do it tomorrow.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You shouldn't even be unpacking.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23You could be downstairs. You've had great news.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Well, you'll have great news soon, Roger, hopefully.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I wonder who else has been shortlisted.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Well. - Pam Bagnall.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Probably. - No, definitely.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Oh, then there's going to be the interview.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Mmm, wish I haven't thought about actually. I feel a bit sick.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39- No, don't.- Ooh.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Because I tell you what you handle superbly, stress.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Yes, I am a Chinese gymnast. I may bend but I will never break.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Anyone who gives into stress is weak.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53They'll weed that out. If you're going to crumple, get out.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Anyone seen Val Stevenson? Oh, she's good.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Yeah, and you know why that is, Rog, because I'm a cook.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02You should say that in the interview.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Oh, I don't think the panel would take that very seriously.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08They think anyone can cook a Sunday dinner. Wrong.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11People who can cook it suffer stress.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Roast potatoes, carrots, timing, gravy.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Yes.- And then everyone expects a pudding, huh!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Could I be a Deputy Head? Yes.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Hear, hear.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Roger.
0:17:23 > 0:17:29Am I tonight how I expected you to look having just had that news?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Actually, you don't look all that fussed
0:17:33 > 0:17:38but I thought that was the whole bleak unpacking thing.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39It isn't.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43What? Oh, do you want me to ask you some questions?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46No, thank you, no, I don't need anyone's help.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I've helped myself.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03What's that?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Don't, don't, don't. It's not what you think.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08In fact, pull the curtains because people can see straight in.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15What is it?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It helps me,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20now, don't tell anyone about this, right?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Right.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26When I walk into that room, Roger, I will not be alone.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31I will, in fact, be accompanied by three remarkable women.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35By Martina Navratilova,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37by Hillary Clinton
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and by Margaret that used to be off of The Apprentice.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I know it looks odd, I know that,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46but it's the only way I can think of to face off Pam Bagnall
0:18:46 > 0:18:49because when I see her in that interview waiting room,
0:18:49 > 0:18:50my legs are going to go from under me.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Are you taking that?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54No, of course I'm not taking this!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57It's a Deputy Headship interview, Roger.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00No, I just use this on my own in front of the mirror.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Well, what does it do?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05It's brilliant, look...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07..am I on Martina?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Yeah, but, how do you know who you're on?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Because I've got it written on the inside. Mart, Hils, Marg.
0:19:14 > 0:19:20I'm on Martina because I start a set down from Pam Bagnall
0:19:20 > 0:19:24because I'm food tech, she is history.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I'm food tech, she is history
0:19:26 > 0:19:29and she's banging it back across the court
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and she's smashing it back every time
0:19:31 > 0:19:34and I've got to learn to be aggressive
0:19:34 > 0:19:35and I've got to stay on my toes
0:19:35 > 0:19:38but I've also got to learn, in the breaks,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42to very calmly sit in my seat, with a towel over my head
0:19:42 > 0:19:43and eat half a banana.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Certainly you do.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Right, so say to me now, "Food tech is not an academic subject."
0:19:51 > 0:19:52No.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55No, as the interviewer, Roger, come on, it's important.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00Oh, sorry. Food tech is not an academic subject.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03That is a short-sighted statement
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and bears absolutely no relevance to the post of Deputy Head.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Bam!
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Brilliant.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12See, that is something that Martina herself would face, coming from PE,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16which so often is bracketed with food tech and, and careers.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Right, ask me something else.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- Where did you get the pictures from? - Eh?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Off the internet, Roger, and I stuck them onto this box.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Ask me something about, oh, I don't know, discipline.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- When did you do all this? - Roger, come on please.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Sorry. Are you a believer in strict discipline?
0:20:34 > 0:20:38For this, I turn to the gimlet eye of studious dignity
0:20:38 > 0:20:42of Margaret who was on The Apprentice.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I am the head of food technology,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I work in a room with 30 kids and hot ovens.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53I think you'll find that my discipline is to the fore.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Oh, Val.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58You see, what they're expecting is five foot Val from food tech -
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"Oh, have you got room for my cookery basket?"
0:21:00 > 0:21:02but that's not who they're getting.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04This is who they're getting from now on.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07This is who's taking me in, Roger.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Hillary Clinton.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Oh, Val. Who better?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Right, you be the interview panel, OK,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18and when I come in just say "Hello" or something.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Ready and...
0:21:23 > 0:21:24.. Now.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Hello.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Hi.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30You see I'm wearing a mask, not an actual mask,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32but the mask of Hillary's persona
0:21:32 > 0:21:36because a Deputy Headship interview wouldn't even register on her radar.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- No, she'd be flying off somewhere else after that.- Yeah, yeah.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41You throw Hillary Clinton into the mix,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Pam Bagnall doesn't look like such a safe bet.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45- Yeah. - What I've done, Roger,
0:21:45 > 0:21:49is I have looked to women my own age for help.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Then what I do at the end is I bring it all together...
0:21:53 > 0:21:54..as me.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58So, I come in. Good afternoon, nice to meet you.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05"I wonder if we could discuss the la le la le or the de dee de dah",
0:22:05 > 0:22:07you know, whatever it is I'm saying.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Yeah, Val, now that I've got my head around it...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12this is superb.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Yeah.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Do you know, I really like Hillary.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I mean, the other two are very helpful and everything
0:22:22 > 0:22:24but there's something about Hillary,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I feel I could have a glass of wine with her,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30you know, I think she would sense that she could trust me,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32maybe open up a little bit about Bill.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Maybe have a little cry, you know,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38I don't know, I just, I just really like her.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I think she'd say, "Do you know what, Val?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44"You're very lucky with Roger," and I'd say, "I know".
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Hmm. Lamps on in here now?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Yeah, I think so - we're finished, haven't we?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I don't have to hide this any more,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03so, um, will it disturb you if I put it on the dressing table?
0:23:03 > 0:23:04I shouldn't think so, no.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I might have a go, you know, Val, for the tribunal.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Ooh, really - who would you choose, then?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Oh... Kinnock, maybe?
0:23:14 > 0:23:18I don't know, I'm so bitterly disappointed in so many people.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- David Bellamy. - Mmm.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- and Bill Bailey. - Oh, no.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Can I just ask you, the people at the wedding,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28did they all really think I was going to win the tribunal?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31They didn't know, Roger, because they don't know anything about it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34We can put the lamps on down here now, ooh, gorgeous.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36No, but in general, when you spoke to them,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39did you get the feeling they thought I'd be successful,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41that I had nothing to worry about?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Well, it wasn't like that, because how could they know?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44No.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Well, it doesn't really make any difference.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I was just looking for a bit of a boost, that's all.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Oh. It doesn't make any difference, Roger,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54because they don't know anything about it.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56No, exactly. Exactly.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Don't know if I'm hungry or not now.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Are you hungry?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Er, well, I could eat something. Couldn't you?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Er...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07well, I fell into the seventh circle of hell
0:24:07 > 0:24:09at the Little Chef till with the wine gums,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11so, don't know.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I hope Mike's hair didn't go white because I got sacked.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I just thought that.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18No! Don't be so ridiculous, Roger.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25Right. What have I got in here?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Nothing.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Oh, I'm so angry with myself, Roger, because I had fish pie in my hand
0:24:30 > 0:24:35on Friday afternoon which I gave to the head because we were going away.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38And that's all we've got left, the mashed potato from that.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Anything in the freezer?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Which I could make potato cakes from quite easily.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Oh, Val, oh, we haven't had those in years.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Yeah, and they're delicious, all covered with butter.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Yeah, not since we first got married
0:24:51 > 0:24:52and we were,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"You could see that that Pierre did truly love the mademoiselle."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57That was another good one last night.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Right, you're on, Roger, go and sort out the sitting room, come on.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Yeah.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I'll put the fire off cos the heating's kicking in.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Oh, perhaps I might get a bath then.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49I'm just, um, I've, er, I've left something in the car.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50OK.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12What's the matter?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Nothing.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Nothing I, I thought I'd left Mike's record in the car but I hadn't.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Oh.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20I'm going crackers.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Yes, too long in the car.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25You gave it to me in the house.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Roger, can you reach that flour down for me, please?
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Rog, the flour.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Oh, yeah, yeah, hang on.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Argh! - Oh, oh it's gone all over.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47It's all right, I'm all right.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Are you OK?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Yeah, yeah, the sodding bag was open.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- It doesn't hurt, it's flour. - There's enough left to make the potato cakes.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Oh I'm sorry Val, I'm all fingers...
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- You look like Mike. - No.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Oh, I'll get the Hoover.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05No, no, it's all right, I'll do that.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Go on, you go and have a shower.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Try and get as much out as you can before it all turns to dough
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- and sticks to your hair. - Yeah.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd