0:00:11 > 0:00:14AMERICAN TV VOICE-OVER:
0:00:42 > 0:00:43SWITCHES OFF TV
0:01:00 > 0:01:05A man falls from grace in a garden
0:01:05 > 0:01:08because of the human pubic region.
0:01:08 > 0:01:14Ring any bells? Today, my tribunal against the Winter Gar...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Oh, no, no, no, no.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26A brief mention in an e-mail
0:01:26 > 0:01:28of mons pubis
0:01:28 > 0:01:30pubic hair...
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Let's just get it out there. Let's just face it head-on.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Phil Hewlett,
0:01:41 > 0:01:45I'll see you in court, sir.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51DIALS NUMBER
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Hi. I'd like to place an order, please.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Delivery, please. Yeah, my car failed its MOT.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05Yes, Stevenson, yeah, hi. I'm fine, thanks. You?
0:02:05 > 0:02:11Yeah. The celebration banquet, please. ..With, please. Thanks. Bye.
0:02:17 > 0:02:24If putting botanical plants before heating and budget costs is a crime, sack me.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Unfairly dismiss me, Roger unfairly dismiss.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- Yeah.- Always. Get that in as much as you can.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Sounding great from the hall, Rog.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Hang on, hang on. This is the end bit...
0:02:40 > 0:02:41"For my...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"For my..."
0:02:50 > 0:02:57For my name is Roger Stevenson, and I am a botanist.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- Thanks, Val.- Wish your Dad could have heard you make that speech.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05No, no, I'm glad he didn't live to see this day.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09His sacked son, following in his own sacked footsteps.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Wrong!
0:03:11 > 0:03:15What I just heard was a brave man who has endured 3.5 months
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- of lying about in the house. - No, I haven't been lying about.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22No, no, no, no, I mean... Sorry, I mean going to the library
0:03:22 > 0:03:26and doing all your legal stuff.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Yeah, it's who I am.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I'm standing up and I'm saying, "This is me,
0:03:30 > 0:03:35"this is what has happened to me. And can I have my job back, please?"
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I was whirring away with it in the night.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I've been shattered all day.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- Oh, Val.- Well, it...it gets to you,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46and I'm tough.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I tell you something, Roger. I wobbled at lunchtime.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53It's the, "Ooh, it's tomorrow, it's real now..."
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Yeah, I was only saved by Sue Turner.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59She just came up and put her arms round me.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03She's got a real knack, Sue, of just coming in for me exactly when I need her.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08Ooh, Sue gave me this...for you.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11This little swimmer!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Ah, thanks.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17It's for good luck. "Keep swimming!" That's what she said.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Oh, Val, that is...- Isn't it? Yeah.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Because Sue came today as Robinson Crusoe
0:04:21 > 0:04:26- so she had loads of these hanging off her hat.- Yeah? Oh, I'll ring Sue.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Yeah. She said... she said, "Are you wound up?"
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And then she set them all off. It was hilarious.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Oh! I've got two more cards for you as well, Rog.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40So, how many does that make now four?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Five. There's one from Marion in Canada came this morning.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49You see? People all over the world are outraged about it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52So you are right. You're right.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Oh, and I made us a lamb casserole at school today,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I thought it would be comforting and bland.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Yeah, fine.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06OK, er, Val, I hope you don't mind.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07I've ordered a Chinese.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Oh! OK, yeah.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Well, because I think it will help me.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15But you don't need any help. Not from what I'VE just heard.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19In fact, if you lose you're not going to but if you lose,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23promise me you will go into some kind of public communication with the world.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Val...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28No, Roger, please do.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Well, listen about why I ordered Chinese
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- and see if you're with me on this. - Oh, I will be.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36You see, I've really begun to enjoy...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You see, if you're home a lot during the day,
0:05:40 > 0:05:44there are these sort of true-life movies that are on.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46And often about legal stuff.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Yeah. Oh, like A Few Good Men?
0:05:48 > 0:05:54No. No, nothing like A Few Good Men at all.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59- Oh.- You'll see when you retire. - Oh, I know, yes! Like that one we saw on holiday about the woman
0:05:59 > 0:06:01who moved a whole house somewhere else on a set of wheels?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Yes!- Yes.- Yes.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07And at the end you find out what happened.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I mean, it's always the same, of course it is.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14The movie's been made and the baddie seems, you know, defeated...
0:06:14 > 0:06:18and the goody just, you know, closes up his briefcase in the courtroom.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Roger. Phil Hewlett will be defeated at your tribunal.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26I can promise you that. Hold on. Hold on. He WILL be defeated.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30I sound like I'm singing a hymn, don't I? Sorry.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Yes.- Sorry!- Well, getting back to our tea tonight.- Yeah.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36In these movies, the lawyers in them,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39they all seem to be having great Chinese food,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- you know, when they're doing their legal stuff.- Yes.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- Sort of, "Get the DA on the phone! Hey, where's the soy sauce?"- Yeah.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Do you see what I mean?
0:06:47 > 0:06:52I see exactly what you mean, Roger. We're having Chinese tonight brilliant!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Ooh, I'll freeze the lamb casserole.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57No, no, you see, my wider point is
0:06:57 > 0:07:02what will the white type at the end of MY legal movie say?
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Val?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Um, er,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10"Roger Stevenson won his tribunal.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"His speech about being a botanist
0:07:14 > 0:07:19"is now on display at the Winter Gardens, where he works." What about that?
0:07:19 > 0:07:25Well, I don't think THAT. No, you're supposed to feel a lump in your throat about me.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Can you do one like that?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Um... Oh, all right, Roger, what about this?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36"Three days after he went back to work,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40"the Winter Gardens was renamed the Roger Stevenson Arboretum."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43What, Roger? The face! What?!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I've seen loads of these.
0:07:45 > 0:07:52It's more like, "The Stevenson Bill is on the statute books of all 52 United States of America.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56"Roger Stevenson himself was at the right hand of the President
0:07:56 > 0:08:00"as the bill was signed into law." Maybe.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Have you just made that up yourself?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04No, no, it stayed with me
0:08:04 > 0:08:09from one about the some disabled campaigner. It was very moving.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Wow.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Your point about the Chinese food, though,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16they do actually do that in A Few Good Men.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Yeah, fine, I don't know about that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20They definitely do because they're walking about saying,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- "Do this, do that. Great won ton soup."- Exactly right!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26And it makes you wish that we had the little white boxes
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- instead of the British foil trays. - Yeah.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31SHE SIGHS
0:08:31 > 0:08:33If you're going to do your legal speech with Chinese food,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36do you want me to put some in little Tupperware boxes?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I don't want to make a big deal about it.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I was just looking for a crutch to make me feel legally astute.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43No, I think it's a really good idea, Roger.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Anything like that, just cling onto it.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47YES!
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Want a cup of tea?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51No, I'll wait. I'll grab a beer when the Chinese arrives.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53That's a very good idea, Roger.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56That's exactly what they would do. Cling on to that.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- What have you ordered for us? - The usual.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Not the celebration banquet?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Yeah, only cos it's got the noodles for you and the rice for me.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10But, Roger, "celebration"?!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13This is the night before, not the night after. Oh, touch wood.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15PHONE RINGS
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Solicitor.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Oh, bit of bad news.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25You see? You see?!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Phil has banned the stickers.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31He can't do that.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Freedom of speech! I've just given one to Sue in the toilets.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Yeah, not from ordinary people.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38He's asked us not to wear them at the court, and they've agreed.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43- On what grounds?!- On the grounds "I believe Roger Stevenson was unfairly dismissed"
0:09:43 > 0:09:47is a biased and political statement.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49How do they square that?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Oh, this is my fault, Rog. - How can that be?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- No, no, no, it is. I've let you down.- No, Val...
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I've put too much on them, haven't I?
0:09:59 > 0:10:00"Peace...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"St John's Ambulance...
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"Free Willy." One word. Two, three at the most.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08That's what people have on stickers.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11No, no, Val, no.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14No, don't you go down. Not my talisman, not my mascot.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Don't make me that now, please, Roger,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19cos I'm having a slump now about the stickers.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Oh, God, this is... Oh, Jesus!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Stop it, please, Roger! Allow me to have my slump.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28People around you also need slumps.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Aaaargh!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36In a minute, Roger, I will be fine.
0:10:36 > 0:10:42But just for now, allow me to be the reaction of how I feel inside, which is this.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43SHE GROANS
0:10:51 > 0:10:54HE GROANS
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Right, come on, come on. Keep swimming.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06You only ban something if it's having an effect.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Yeah!
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Democracy.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I'm always saying,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Winter Gardens... North Korea.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Although I'm drawing closer parallels with Burma now,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20particularly since I'm in the house all day.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Yeah, Phil Hewlett and a Burmese General,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25in a game of cards, I'd say, "Snap."
0:11:25 > 0:11:27The stickers are great.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31You've run a brilliant campaign for me, Val, ever since I married you.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Now, if at the end of it...
0:11:35 > 0:11:36No, don't say it...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- No, no, no, come on. No, no... - No, don't, no, no, no...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41If I lose...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Oh... But we've lost before,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and we're here, still swimming.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49That's right.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52So let's get this show back on the road.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12You've got 57 supporters on here now, Rog!
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Ah, Sue's given you the thumbs-up. "Sue Turner likes this."
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Strange to think that tomorrow night, maybe,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24we might be drinking champagne.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Who's Jean Duggan?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30What?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Jean Duggan?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- I don't know.- "You can't pretend it didn't happen."
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Where's this? Move over, Val.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- It's my Facebook support thing! - Well, I run it.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Well, let me have a look.- Oh, here. Who is it? There. There.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I can see, thanks, Val. Let me just have a look.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Jean Duggan?- Val, please!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56What does she mean? This is a woman!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59It's not a woman. Well, it's not a woman like that. Don't be ridiculous.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Well, she's got a woman's name. - How do you know that? You don't know that.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I mean, this is the international French book, er, Facebook.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08For all you know, that could be a French man.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Well, it's very unlikely, with a name like Duggan.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Jean DuGan?! No, this is Jean Duggan from England.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Roger, what can't you pretend didn't happen?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23No, it's the night before my tribunal.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- I don't know this person. - Well, who is it?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28It's some...
0:13:28 > 0:13:32militant feminist who saw the words "pubic hair" in a paper
0:13:32 > 0:13:34and e-mailed me - I don't know.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39Well, I certainly do want to know. So let's reply and find out.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42No. No more replies, no more messages from people I don't know.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- Well, that's suspicious.- No, it isn't. I don't know this woman.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I don't want trouble now.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51No, the message, Roger, is suspicious.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- I agree.- Which is why you need to reply and say, "Who are you?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- "What do you mean?" - No, I really don't.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- No, you really do. - No, have you really thought,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- this could be from Phil - have you thought about that?- No!
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Oh... I suppose it is extremely random.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Yes, I suppose it could be a set-up.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Yes, exactly one of the reasons I want to leave it.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13BUZZING
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Can you turn that swimmer off, please? It's getting really annoying.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20The swimmer hasn't moved, Val.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25So now I can't even HEAR anything because I'm dressed as Mrs Danvers, apparently.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- Could you go upstairs and put some normal clothes on? - Yes, in a minute.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Ooh...
0:14:31 > 0:14:35I wonder if it's anything to do with Marion in Canada,
0:14:35 > 0:14:39cos she's got all those big sons that keep getting divorced.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Right, any son of Marion in Canada
0:14:41 > 0:14:44would have the same surname as Marion in Canada, which is Tunningly.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I just thought it might be because she had sent the card.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52So it's not. "You can't pretend it didn't happen."
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- Who is it?- Yeah, well, who's THAT?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Will you please turn that off, Roger?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- I keep hearing it.- Who are you in your Mrs Danvers costume?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- Who are YOU? - I'm Roger Stevenson, I'm a botanist.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Well, you need to call your solicitor, Roger Stevenson.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06- All right,- I- will.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10No, because it's all coming at my head, I don't want anyone rung now.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- No, I will, because I am alert to threat.- Val, don't.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16It's the night before my tribunal.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I'm covering it up but I'm really feeling stressed now.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- You were fine five minutes ago. - No, someone who goes into elaborate detail
0:15:22 > 0:15:24just to order a Chinese is not fine.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- All right.- Ah, ah!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- What? What?- I know what it is.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Some soul has taken a sticker, surely, from us,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- when we were picketing the Winter Gardens. - That's very unlikely, Roger.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- No, it is, it is!- I can't see that, no, I can't see that.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39It can't be anything else. Who else can it be?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43I don't even know this person. Look...I cannot deal with this now.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47OK.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25It'll be all right, Rog.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I'm looking forward to my celebration banquet. Are you?
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Roger, you have been sacked on a trumped-up charge.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40"Pubic hair" in a work e-mail.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44But it's really because you speak up for plants,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and I know people will see that.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Yeah.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52It's a marked irony with the Garden of Eden,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55where the leaf disguises the hair.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Here, it's the other way around.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Were there any other Mrs Danverses?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05- No.- Good.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Soon as I walked in, Sue said to me, "Ooh, Val, you normally come as a pirate."
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Yeah. What about the Head? - Dumbledore.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- No, I don't care what she came as, though it's predictable.- Yeah. - Did she see you as Mrs Danvers?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Ooh, yes, she did.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I had a long chat with her, and then every time I passed her, she went...
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- ..like that.- That's great. That's what we were talking about.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31This is exactly the change in perception we were looking for.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Yeah. Headscarf, hoop earrings, stripy top, eye patch, parrot - no.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39No, exactly right, it's World Book Day, come as a character.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44You are a deputy headship candidate, Stevenson. Look the part or get off the shortlist.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49- Hear, hear! What about the other candidates?- Oh, huge tactical error
0:17:49 > 0:17:52by Pam Bagnell - I think, anyway.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53See what you think.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55She came as Aslan.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Well, that's fair enough. No, fair enough. We thought OURS through. It's a good idea.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- Oh,- I- don't think it is.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06I think she knew she'd massively overshot because after lunch she took off the mask
0:18:06 > 0:18:08and she just wandered about in the tail.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Oh, that's dangerously close to hubris.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- How was the costume?- It was good. - Did she have a mane?
0:18:14 > 0:18:18No, she had a mask and her husband's curly ginger football wig.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Did she have paws?- No, because she was teaching after lunch.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Brown polo neck, brown skirt. - For a lion?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29The added twist with ours, Rog, is that I teach food tech,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Mrs Danvers is a housekeeper.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33That is a piece of sheer genius, Val.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38Whereas Pam Bagnell teaches history. She's got a curly ginger wig.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Blind.- Do I need to spell it out?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Not for me, Val.- Concertina up a piece of white cardboard,
0:18:43 > 0:18:47shove it round your neck, paint your face white, pearl earrings - job done.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Potato, your Majesty?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- Tobacco, your Majesty? - She missed a trick there.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Yeah, well, I'm glad of that because the perception could have been
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Queen Pam I, the heir apparent - the next deputy head.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Open goal.- Yeah.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05You know, most of the kids thought I was the evil housekeeper from Downton.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08In a way that's what World Book Day's all about.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11The original evil housekeeper is Mrs Danvers in Rebecca.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Before her, it was the mad what's-her-name in the attic.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18No, the mad woman in the attic and the housekeepers are completely different.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19OK.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22The mad woman in the attack is PMT, Rog.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Eh? No, I don't think that's right, Val.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26No, it is.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31It's the Bronte Sisters all having PMT together in one small parsonage.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Their cooped-up femaleness sort of billows helplessly
0:19:36 > 0:19:39onto the page, soaking it crimson
0:19:39 > 0:19:42with screeching desire or something.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Cos they never had sex.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Oh, I don't like to think about it. - Whereas the mad women's keepers
0:19:48 > 0:19:50are always older women.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54They've gone through the menopause and they HAVE had sex.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58My theory is brilliant.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Yeah. Older.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Oh, I'm getting out of this.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- BUZZING - Aargh! Aaaaaargh!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- There! Look, look there! It's a swimmer! It's a swimmer! - What is it?!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Oh, Val, for God's sake.- Oh, my God! I didn't know what that was! - What is it?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- That has been in my hair! - For God's sake, calm down!
0:20:19 > 0:20:20I thought it was a creature.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Well, it's not, it's that.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Oh, God.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Oh, no.- What?
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- (You put that on the table downstairs.)- Yes.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37No, no, you put it on the table downstairs. I saw you put it there.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Right. I threw it somewhere, I think.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Yes, I saw you put it there.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45There is no way that that got into my hair.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Val, it must have somehow whirred its way into your plait, and there's the end of it.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54(Roger, why has it come? What does it want?)
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Oh, yes, of course.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- The Chinese.- What?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03That's why the little swimmer has come upstairs.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06The celebration banquet - it thinks you've tempted fate.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10If you're attributing free will to this swimmer, then why not give its due?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13No, I'm not saying that. I just think it's really weird.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I would say that this is an explicable accident
0:21:16 > 0:21:20but as you're NOT saying that, maybe...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22it made its way up the stairs
0:21:22 > 0:21:25because that's where the bathroom is,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28and it was looking...for water.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31You have displeased it, Roger.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36Well, then, let's cure it. Let's cleanse its sinister aura.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I'm just saying I want its good luck back,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41and for some reason it's taken against us.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Right, let's give it a little swim.
0:21:44 > 0:21:50I don't actually believe all this, Roger, I'm just covering us for the tribunal.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54And I personally wouldn't have ordered a "celebration" anything tonight.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I ordered the celebration because of the rice for Val
0:21:57 > 0:22:01and the noodles for me. Nothing to do with the name. All right, mate?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Jesus, Val, I could do without this tonight.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I've got an unfair-dismissal tribunal tomorrow.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- DOORBELL RINGS - Chinese! You see? I'm right!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Don't leave me on my own with it!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19If you bring bad luck for the tribunal,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I will snap your little legs off.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Oh, thank you. Thanks very much.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Roger! We could practise your speech with the Chinese.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I wish you hadn't done that.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Well, I thought it was Phil in disguise. Is it Phil?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Right, well, it's not.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I'm being stalked.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00A proper...proper stalker.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01What, by Phil?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04No, it's a woman.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08By a Mrs Danvers, actually.
0:23:08 > 0:23:15An older woman who has seen me in the local paper with the tribunal, and...
0:23:25 > 0:23:28There are complications.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29What?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32I know her.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36So you were lying.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Yeah. Yeah, I have.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46But...that's because I didn't want to worry you.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I thought it would go away.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53And also, Val, you're dressed like Mrs Danvers.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Roger.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Sorry.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Well, you'd better not lie tomorrow.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03What's the name of this stalker?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Jean...Danvers. Um...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Duggan.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12So this was who YOU were claiming was a French man?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Yes. I was scared.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20OK, I'm scared of YOU now.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22And of her.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- How do you know her? - Oh, I don't KNOW her.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27You DO know her, you DON'T know her...?
0:24:27 > 0:24:2931 years ago, I knew her.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I can't believe I have to... This is why I didn't say anything.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40She used to clean my room in the halls of residence.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Well, I don't buy a word of that. - It's true!
0:24:42 > 0:24:46I haven't heard from her in 31 years. I mean, she must be 70.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48What on earth is happening?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52She must be more... She must be more than 70. Jesus.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53How do you know her, Roger?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55At college! She cleaned my room at college!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Yes, you've said that.
0:24:57 > 0:25:03We got talking. I was trying to... This was years ago, in the early '80s.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08I was trying to persuade her not to buy her council house on political grounds.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11One thing led to another and...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Why have you never told me?
0:25:13 > 0:25:18Her husband at the time was undergoing quite a serious back operation, actually.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23She was 41, I was a rather nervous youth around women,
0:25:23 > 0:25:26and we helped each other out.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27I don't know!
0:25:27 > 0:25:31She must have seen me in the paper and got my address from the Winter Gardens.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Well, that is against data protection.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36One tribunal at a time, Val, please.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39But you've done nothing wrong.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I know.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43So what does she want?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I think she had hopes to rekindle it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49You know, her husband with the bad back's passed away now.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Oh, Roger.- I know.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55You see, we don't do young and old in this country
0:25:55 > 0:25:58with quite the same elan as the French.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03Their ears don't seem to go big when they grow old. Anyway...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I don't want to dwell on it.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I'd much rather just...move on.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Do you think you can go and put on some normal clothes now?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Oh, OK.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16You see, I love...
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- ..with your glossy dark hair all down.- OK. OK.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29- Aaaargh!- What?!- Roger!- What?! - Help me! There's a swimmer there!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- There!- I don't know.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I don't know now. I should have apologised to it.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Oh, my God, everything's going wrong now.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40OK, certainly now, I am classifying this as unexplainable.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Roger, go upstairs and see what's happened in the sink. Oh, God!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Quick!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- Ohhh!- "Ohhh" what? What? - There are two of them!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54THERE'S TWO OF THEM!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58What? What?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Val, stop it now. Just stop it, just stop now.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- What?!- Stop! There are two of them. - There's two.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05There are two swimmers.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09One of which I suspect has been lodged in your hair for some time.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12What? Yes, yes, that...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Yes, of course, because that's come off Sue's hat
0:27:15 > 0:27:18when she's hugged me in the toilet, hasn't it?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Probably, yes. - No, definitely, Rog.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23There's nothing scary about this at all.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- No.- Oh, that's fallen out of my false plait, hasn't it,
0:27:27 > 0:27:28- when she's hugged me?- Yeah.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Oh, Sue's going to laugh about this.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34It's a perfectly simple explanation.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Unlike YOUR story.
0:28:19 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd