0:00:02 > 0:00:03Nothing I can do.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Yep 7.30.
0:00:07 > 0:00:12Yes. Well, I'm unlucky really, aren't I?
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Because it's an Italian.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Romano's. I know exactly what Roger's going to say.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24He can have soup, no problem, he can have pasta, no problem,
0:00:24 > 0:00:26he can have tiramisu, no problem.
0:00:26 > 0:00:32And then he's got his first course, his main course and his pudding.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Well and ice cream, that's right, Sue, yeah.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Yep.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Well I don't know. Oh, I'll think of something.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Yep. Yep. All right, Sue.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye, love, bye.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03SHE SIGHS
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Pam Bagnall.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12I will hunt you down and kill you like a dog.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Excuse me.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02PHONE BEEPS
0:02:10 > 0:02:13What's the password for the Virgin Media account?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Sorry?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19The engineer for the internet wants to come about the stand-alone modem.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"Officer dibble"
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Yeah, I tried that but it won't let me in.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Er. "Wide-legged trouser 32."
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Thank you. I take it that's all in lower case?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Look I'm sorry about this morning I was very uptight.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38No, no. I'm sorry.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Dare I ask?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- I got through to the second day. - Oh, Val!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48It's only the second day. I'm containing it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53Can I contain it with a big, broad grin across my face, though? I kept ringing and ringing.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55No, I didn't even have my phone with me.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Yeah, I thought as much. Who else got through?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Just the two of us. Me and "Fill In The Blank Yourself."
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Mmm. I thought she would. None of the externals?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Nope. Just me and the Bagnall.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Which means, Roger, that the meal tomorrow night really is crucial.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Yeah, yeah. Where is it?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Val? Where's the dinner?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Erm, Romano's.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Ah, Italian! That's great for me.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24Yeah. Soup, pasta, tiramisu. There's your three courses, right there.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28I'm not at work, so I'll be able to spruce myself up as much as possible,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30you know, under the current circumstances.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Mmm. Roger did you manage to get to Boots?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Oh. No good, I'm afraid. They only do temporary fillings.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Oh. Well, I'm going to call Mr Burrows myself.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41No, no. Calling Mr Burrows won't make any difference.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44They have to send it to a special place.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47The whole process takes at least a week.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51You would think that Boots would do a false front tooth off the shelf.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53They used to be a good shop.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55No, Val. What would you buy?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Great, big white one? And, if so, what size?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Well, they sell insoles for trainers.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04The least they could do is offer a big foam rubber front tooth
0:04:04 > 0:04:05that you can cut round.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08That's ridiculous, Val. It would fly out every time you said an "F".
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Not soft foam - rubber!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Tough rubber, but that you can still cut round.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18So, I don't know, maybe you have to dip it in boiling water.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22It's not going to be as hard as a real tooth, but it'd be good enough.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Some non-toxic paints in the kit
0:04:25 > 0:04:26so you can get the colour right,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29and then a mould you can fit to your own gum.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Stick the rubber tooth in there.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34If they sold something like that, I'd have bought it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Who else is coming?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Head and her husband, Bagnall and her partner,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45chairman of the Governors and us.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49That's if you, you know, feel up to it with your tooth.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Well, of course I feel up to it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Right.- No!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56No, maybe you've got a point, Val, maybe I shouldn't come.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Look, Roger I was just about to say "So, thank goodness it's pasta."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- Yeah, right.- Roger.- Excuse me.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13And where exactly will we say your tooth is? Do you see my point?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Tomorrow night's not the night to land it on people.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Why would my tooth even need to figure? They might not ask.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Of course they'll ask - it's right in your face!
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Oh.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Look, if you come, I want a dignified answer as to where it is.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31- How about, "I was in a bad mood and I flossed too vigorously"? - No!- OK, OK. Go simpler.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I have gum disease and I bit into an apple.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- I don't believe you. - Yeah, because it's not true!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I mean, I believe you more than the truth.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I believe you more than that, Roger.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Yeah!- Hi, Pam, Roger's tooth?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Yes, it got punched out
0:05:45 > 0:05:49by the eldest son of a woman Roger fathered a child with
0:05:49 > 0:05:5131 years ago.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Not Roger's actual child, that's Liam,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56his elder brother, Gary. Are you keeping up?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I know it's an awful lot to take in,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00isn't it? I've only known for a week.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Yes, Pam, and this all happened years before I even met Val.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05I didn't know about it, either.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Not true, Pam.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09He knew about this a whole week before me,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12and he's only told me now because the woman sent him a message
0:06:12 > 0:06:15on Facebook saying she was going to drop round and see us.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I would have told you, Val. I would have told you.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Oh, Pam doesn't believe you. No, neither do I, Pam.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I'll have a white wine, please, yes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Sod the mineral water because this is a lot to take in.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Say the truth, say that he apologised.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31He apologised, Pam.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Oh, no. Pam's busy,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36she's telling her husband the whole saga under her breath.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Well, before he did it, he said "I don't want to do this, mate,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41"I'm doing this for my dead Dad."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43How long did you think Pam has got?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46She wants to have her dinner. Unbelievable.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I'll tell you what's unbelievable is that if this had happened to you -
0:06:49 > 0:06:51this is not my fault! -
0:06:51 > 0:06:53if this had happened to you, Val, I would have understood.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Oh, so it' s my fault now, is it? - You're not listening to me!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Oh, I am listening! I can do nothing BUT listen to you.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- You're not listening. - Now, you listen to ME!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Just listen!- Be quiet! - Listen!- Shut your trap!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- I can do nothing BUT listen... - I am the person...
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- ..because I can't get a word in edgeways!- ..saying nothing, so listen!
0:07:22 > 0:07:23What is it?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29What is it exactly?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30It's that...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34..you lied to me.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Well, given the circumstances...- No!
0:07:36 > 0:07:40In league with the mother of your child
0:07:40 > 0:07:43that I didn't know you had.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44It's that!
0:07:49 > 0:07:53And you can't understand at all why I would do that?
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Val!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Val.- Go away.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06What do you know what it's like to have to walk around ASDAs with Jean?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10You've been to ASDA with Jean?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I was forced into it they don't have a car.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18When? Sorry, that is too much. A cosy little trip to ASDA?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21It was a desultory and sad stroll around
0:08:21 > 0:08:23with someone that I'm forced to be connected to
0:08:23 > 0:08:27that I haven't seen for 30 years, pushing a trolley.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Oh, it's a shame Liam's 31. He could have sat in the seat.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- Oh.- Yes! Horrible, what I'm seeing.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Listen, I spent the afternoon trying to persuade Jean
0:08:37 > 0:08:39not to sell our story to Take A Break magazine.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41What are you talking about?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44They pay you 50 quid.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"I saw him the paper, he's the father of my son, dot dot dot."
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I paid her 50 quid not to do it.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Yeah? Well, then you're stupid, because if she still does it,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56she gets another 50 quid, so you can't win there.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh, believe me, I'm well aware that I can't win whatever I do,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02but for what it's worth, that's why I was in ASDA.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04So, you haven't been to the dentist?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06HE SIGHS
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I phoned Mr Burrows, who told me he couldn't help me for a week.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13So I cut my losses, and I tried to head off Jean.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Another lie!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17You have not heard a single word I've said - not a word!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Yeah, well, I'm in shock.- So am I!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Yeah, but you've had a week longer than me to get used to it!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Do you know what, Val, I don't buy this any more.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I'm sorry, but I really don't.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42You've no compassion for my tooth.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44And that says to me your heart
0:09:44 > 0:09:47is really hard about the whole situation.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I'm looking at you through new eyes.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57After what you said about the restaurant.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59What did I say?
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Oh, just very, even more off with me than you have been.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Because you clearly don't want me to come.
0:10:30 > 0:10:36Do you see now, though, Roger, your appalling double standards?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Because just take a little look at them here.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Get lost.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45I am supposed to understand your nuclear, fully-grown-man son
0:10:45 > 0:10:47that's suddenly appeared,
0:10:47 > 0:10:52but you can't see how your tooth appears from my point of view.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- I beg your pardon?- You've got no tooth for tomorrow night!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Yeah - it's a problem. Yeah, I'll be honest.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Oh, this is just some kind of horrible, sick,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05kind of co-dependency, sick thing it's turning into, right now.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10Oh, this is so selfish of you, Roger. Putting me through this.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14I've got a deputy headship presentation tomorrow morning.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Not that it matters now, because Pam Bagnall's got it in the bag.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Do you know that or is that just how you feel?- I know it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Right. So they've appointed, have they?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Yes. They appointed Pam Bagnall earlier today.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- Did they?- No, of course they haven't appointed her.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I'm just rehearsing what I will have to say tomorrow,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42because that IS what will happen.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44And another thing, Roger.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47She took a collage in, and I don't know why.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49What?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Pam Bagnall. Took a collage into the interview.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Into the interview. What on earth do you mean?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Well, Sue's trying to find out what's on it.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I don't know because it was a rolled up piece of paper.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Well, how do you know it was a collage?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05You see this is hearsay, now, and invention
0:12:05 > 0:12:07and nerves playing on your...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09As she was going into the interview, she went,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"Ah, my collage."
0:12:12 > 0:12:16I thought she was being all formal and saying "Ah, my colleague" to me,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19but then she picked up the rolled up piece of paper
0:12:19 > 0:12:21and I thought "Oh, no! She's talking about that."
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- She may well have been saying "colleague."- She wasn't - she's not French.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27No.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34The French are collagists - look at Matisse.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38I can think of nothing in that deputy headship interview
0:12:38 > 0:12:42where I would best give an answer using a collage.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43No.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47No, Roger. My presentation is flat.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- It's not.- It is.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I just focus on being head of year, I barely mention food tech.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- You can tweak it.- No I can't. Pam Bagnall's got a collage.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I'm the one who's going to come unstuck.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Well, that's not what it sounded like when I talked to the head.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13What do you mean?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Ah, no. See, I wasn't going to say this to you,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20it's the sort of thing you don't like, but it's no problem for others.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Roger.- Because it's nothing, is why. Because all that happened, Val...
0:13:23 > 0:13:24What have you done?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Well, I couldn't get through to you on your mobile, so I rang the school.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Today?- Yeah, yeah. And the head, you know,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34as she does sometimes at lunchtime...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36picked up the switchboard phone.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41You had no business ringing anybody. This has got absolutely
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- nothing to do with you.- Nothing to do with me? This is the major
0:13:45 > 0:13:47job interview of my wife's whole life.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Yup. Right. Tell me what you said.
0:13:51 > 0:13:56I just said, "Haven't heard from Val - hope it's gone well."
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Like that? Like you were desperate to know?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- Like I was leaving a message.- Right, is that it? Is that all you said?
0:14:05 > 0:14:09No, it isn't. Oh, you will probe and probe.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Roger, I am truly about to faint.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Please tell me exactly what you said.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18OK. Whole truth.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I said, "Has it?"
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I said, "Hope it's all gone well. Has it?" And she said,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28"It would be inappropriate for me to discuss that."
0:14:29 > 0:14:31That was the only bad bit.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Oh, please. Somebody help me through life.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And I said, "Yes, of course, of course,"
0:14:37 > 0:14:40and then we had a normal conversation about the school bonsai trees.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- She won't even have registered it. - She will!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46If it's a close run thing between me and Pam,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50something about that will have wormed its way into her head
0:14:50 > 0:14:51and she'll think, "Hang on,
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- "that Stevenson couple are a pair of nightmares."- Excuse me.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59The head needs to take some responsibility for picking up the switchboard phone.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02If that had been me, I'd have thought "I shouldn't do this
0:15:02 > 0:15:05"because it compromises people, like Roger."
0:15:05 > 0:15:10She won't! She'll think, "Roger Stevenson has rung up
0:15:10 > 0:15:14"to find out how it went." All the time tripping me up.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Well, don't allow it to. Marshall your mind. SHE SIGHS
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- And if it's as bad as you think it is...- It is, oh, it really is.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24..allow me to accompany you to the dinner to pull it back.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- No, Roger.- Don't let my mistake, if it is a mistake, ruin it.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33Yeah. You're right, actually. Yeah. I'm pulling out.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Actually, why didn't I think of that before!
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Yeah, I'm pulling out.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Doesn't matter, anyway, because my life is complete rubbish.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42So, yeah. Pulling out.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45You can't pull out of the dinner, it's for the candidates.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48No, not the dinner, Roger, the whole thing - the whole deputy headship.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- I'm withdrawing. - No, you can't!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Why not? My husband's been round ASDA with the mother of his child
0:15:54 > 0:15:57and ruined my candidacy all in the same day.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Where are you going?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I'm going to e-mail, copy everyone in,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- so there's no doubt including Bagnall.- No!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Will you excuse me, please?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Val, please do not pull out.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13No, I am.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Don't pull out, Val, you'll massively regret it.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21No, I am. I am pulling out, and there's nothing you can do about it.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24You are this close to a deputy headship, Valerie Stevenson,
0:16:24 > 0:16:25I can taste it!
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Can you? You must be sucking it up through a straw, then.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33"Dear to whom it may concern..."
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Val, I am begging you.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"..I regret to have to inform you..."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40You're giving me a heart attack.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43"..I withdraw my deputy headship application."
0:16:43 > 0:16:47This has all blown up over a tooth, and the gap can be plugged.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"After much thought and soul-searching..."
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- Not that they care.- Of course they care, you're brilliant!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55No I'm not, I'm quite mediocre, really.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Oh!
0:16:57 > 0:17:01"..don't feel I would be up to the job or suited to..."
0:17:01 > 0:17:04On extreme medical grounds, you are giving...
0:17:04 > 0:17:05I'm asking you to stop.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09"..or suited to the post. Best wishes. Val."
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Right. Sending it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14No, you're not!
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Oh! That doesn't matter at all, because I can just plug it in again.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24You arrogant, controlling man who pretends to be a feminist template.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27You can't pretend to be a template. Do keep calm.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28"Oh, do keep calm!"
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Sorry to inform you, Roger, you don't pull that off without a top tooth.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Well I'll give you a tip. Please don't try any of your
0:17:34 > 0:17:37immature impersonations with these people,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and I would try to be a bit calmer than this pantomime.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Oh, really? Yeah, because you're
0:17:42 > 0:17:45brilliant at keeping calm, aren't you?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48And you know why that is, Roger? Because in your heart,
0:17:48 > 0:17:53you're very right wing. Very right wing indeed.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56HE CHOKES This is coming from my very core.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Too much! You insult my family honour.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Oh, do I? Or do you?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Keep calm, Roger.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06My grandfather was a Jarrow marcher.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10No, no. I have, myself, twice attended the Durham Miners' Gala.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Bored!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Do you know, I think I'm going to divorce you
0:18:15 > 0:18:18and marry an openly right-wing person.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22You need to apologise to me in the most profound sense.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Oh, right, do I? Mmm.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Sorry, just slipped out.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30A little bit like your phone call to the head.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32In the meantime, I'm going to go back in there,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35plug it back in and resign.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37You're still pulling out?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Yeah, did you think I didn't mean it? I mean it.- Don't!
0:19:00 > 0:19:04I'm warning you, if you go ahead and do that, I'm divorcing you
0:19:04 > 0:19:06and there'll be no way back, because I will.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10And I warn you back, Val, I will not allow you to self-destruct
0:19:10 > 0:19:12because of me, which I can put right tomorrow night.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You just watch me.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Right, well, my whole presentation was on there, and I'm divorcing you.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Oh, right, that's it. Bring on the big guns, divorce.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I can replace that plug immediately.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And I am calm.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Just quite calmly now dividing up our assets in my head.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Yeah, right, I agree. Go ahead. I think I will divorce you, too,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and I'll tell you why, exactly. Because everything I've done,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39including that and lying to you about Liam,
0:19:39 > 0:19:43has been done out of love for you, and it's not enough.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Just makes you angry.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47PHONE BEEPS
0:19:52 > 0:19:54If you'd found out you had a child...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58..and you'd found out like I had done,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01in a shocking way,
0:20:01 > 0:20:02and you had to tell me,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07in our circumstances, I would have helped you.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I would have tried to understand.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15I wouldn't have been like this.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I wouldn't have done this to you.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Roger.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Roger, I know what was on Pam Bagnall's collage.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Sue's just texted me.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14It was a photo montage
0:21:14 > 0:21:18of all the trips that Pam has taken the kids on for history.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20To show her human side.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Sue says it was called "History, my history."
0:21:34 > 0:21:35So...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39..it was in fact a, a very good idea.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02HE SNIFFS
0:22:11 > 0:22:13What on earth are you doing?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- I don't even like them.- Put it out.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17It makes me feel sick.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Where did you get it from?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I bought them this morning after the row
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- and to keep me calm for the interview.- Give it to me.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33You know, it's a terrible thing to say, Val, but sometimes...
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Mmm. Actually feel quite dizzy.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37That's cos you don't smoke.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44"Cigarettes kill."
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- So what.- Val.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Insurmountable. Everything.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Is it?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Have you pulled out?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20No there's no connection on the laptop, and I'm not going to ring anyone.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Do you want to pull out?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I'll make you a soft pasta for your tea.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I don't believe this.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Roger, come here, come here, come here.- What?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08What does that look like?
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Clove of garlic.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14No that's what it is. What it looks like, Roger, is a tooth.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Tooth? Do you know, I've never noticed that before.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18If you're not looking...
0:24:18 > 0:24:22But the tooth texture is absolutely remarkable.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- How does that help us? - Go like that.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27You see? It's fantastic. Obviously it's far too big,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30and I'll need to be accurate to the millimetre,
0:24:30 > 0:24:34but we can wedge it in there, don't even need any glue.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Actually, just a minute.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47What's happening to it now?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I'm just colouring it with balsamic vinegar.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54It'll stand out as not a tooth if it's bright white.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Oh, you are flying now, you are firing on all cylinders.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01There is no way that prize will not be yours.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06Right, my only difficulty now is the curve of the clove
0:25:06 > 0:25:09and the thickness of a human tooth.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Just a minute.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Very flat, yes.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I'm going to use the technique I use
0:25:17 > 0:25:21on those very cubic chips.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24But of course, you see, it doesn't matter if it overlaps at the back.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Right, try this.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35I've got a whole garlic, so we can have plenty of dry runs.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- There. Does that hurt?- Mmm.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Right, give us a smile.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Well, not a big smile, Roger. Try to control your upper lip.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Hang on.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Mmm. Maybe don't smile, then, Roger.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53No. No, after my faux pas... No, that's good, that's good.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Cos I want to appear, you know, serious and in control.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Yep.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Right, so, let's have a look in the hall mirror.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Yeah, I think that's damn passable.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- Is it painful?- Sore.- Unbearable? - No.- Good.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I'm sorry, Val, but you're a genius.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Well, the huge piece of luck which you cannot plan
0:26:26 > 0:26:29is that it's at an Italian.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32That's where this idea strikes gold.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- Can I take it out now Val? - Yeah. But keep it, cos I'll need to use it as a template.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Now, what we must do is get there first.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44And then we need to sit at the end of the table.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47I'll sit right opposite you, and that way when
0:26:47 > 0:26:50you turn to them, they'll only be able to see that one.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Excellent, yeah. Get there early to facilitate seating.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Yep. And what we must do is order the garlic bread
0:26:56 > 0:26:59and put it bang in front of you before the others arrive.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00I'll take a strategic bite.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Superb.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04And what to do Roger,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07order the penne, and then spoon it in past the clove tooth,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10and then just use your tongue to mash it up.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Actually, no, no. Look, feel free to use your back teeth.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Yeah. Ooh! Sorry. Stabbed.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Benefit is, it's healing.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Mmm. hopefully it might ward off Pam Bagnall.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23No, she's one that you think is dead
0:27:23 > 0:27:25and she suddenly shoots her hand up
0:27:25 > 0:27:27through the ground and grabs your ankle.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Now. Back-up plan.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36I'll take a spare, and if at any point in the evening
0:27:36 > 0:27:40you think you need it, just give me a little signal, like...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43and we'll go off to the toilet together and I will slip it to you.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Yeah, and if the worst comes to the worst and it happens at the table,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49I'll just go, "Oh, my tooth! Ha-ha-ha!
0:27:49 > 0:27:53"It just fell out! But I won't make a fuss, I'm mature.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- "And Val and me, we're copers." - Yeah.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05MUSIC: "Come Softly To Me" by The Fleetwoods
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- # Come softly, darling - Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum, doo-be-doo
0:28:13 > 0:28:17- # Come softly, darling - Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum, doo-be-doo
0:28:17 > 0:28:21- # Come softly, darling - Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum, doo-be-doo
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- # Come softly, darling - Dum-dum, dum-doo-dum... #
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:28 > 0:28:31E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk