0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Hello. I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41the show where three guests will be vying to have their pet hates and peeves
0:00:41 > 0:00:46forever consigned to the dark, desolate wasteland that is Room 101.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,
0:00:49 > 0:00:54but there's only enough space for one at a time - the final decision is mine.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Choosing the one I like least from a category can be difficult.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Take, for example, this group.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10You've got to have a bit of light amidst the dark, haven't you? Give me another category.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- LAUGHTER - That's it, much cheerier(!)
0:01:18 > 0:01:20So let's meet the guests.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Joining me tonight are wildlife expert, Chris Packham,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26presenter, Chris Tarrant, and rock legend, Alice Cooper.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Let's have our first category.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45OK, so the first category is celebrities.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Let's have a look at Alice Cooper's choice.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Exactly. I hate all reality TV stars.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Reality "stars" are not stars
0:02:00 > 0:02:03because they've never worked for anything.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08When I pick up a magazine and it says, "Tiffany and Jeff breaking up",
0:02:08 > 0:02:10and I go, "I don't know who these people are."
0:02:10 > 0:02:12You know, I'm at the point where...
0:02:12 > 0:02:18You understand that, even in the States, we have a bunch of drunk kids in New Jersey
0:02:18 > 0:02:21in a house that I would like to open the gas line
0:02:21 > 0:02:25- and just light the match and let it blow up, you know? - APPLAUSE
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- This is Jersey Shore of which you speak, isn't it?- Yes.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32But, I mean, Big Brother.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You've got this horrendous person
0:02:34 > 0:02:36that you wouldn't talk to in real life
0:02:36 > 0:02:39and this other horrendous person
0:02:39 > 0:02:41that you would rather kill than look at
0:02:41 > 0:02:44and if they're on an island,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I hope the tidal wave kills all of them, you know?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49APPLAUSE
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- That's fire and water you've finished them off with already. - Yeah.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Well, I must admit, I am sort of interested in these people a bit.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I think they do us a lot of good
0:03:03 > 0:03:06because, compared to them, in the world of celebrity,
0:03:06 > 0:03:11- since they've arrived, we all look much deeper, more talented.- Yeah.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15You know, I never thought that you would come up with a positive thought on it,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17but you actually are right.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18We had a reality star called...
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I think it's fair to call him that, he was on talent show, called Chico.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- I don't know if he ever made...?- No.
0:03:25 > 0:03:31He had a catchphrase, which is very important in this business, and it was, "It's Chico time."
0:03:32 > 0:03:34And when he took his photo,
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I'll tell you how he signified that it was "Chico time".
0:03:38 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I'm not sure about this because I do like those...
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I like those programmes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- I like watching reality stuff. - I just... I'm old school.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51I like a star that's a star,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54he's worked to be a star and there he is - he's a star.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57And go look at him and you go, "Oh, that's a star."
0:03:57 > 0:04:01And then you look at these kids and you go, "Really? Really?!"
0:04:01 > 0:04:05I can't pick a single hole in Alice's argument cos we all agree.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Nancy...what's she called, Dallaglio? - Yes.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Oh, that's the rugby player. Same thing. What's she famous for?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Well, she went out with Sven-Goran Eriksson.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17She stayed IN with Sven-Goran Eriksson.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It's... Which can't be easy, Frank.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21And that's it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER But there are those still. There's one there on the screen,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28and it's not Brad on the left, who is incredibly famous,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30is in all the magazines Alice is talking about,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33makes a very large amount of money,
0:04:33 > 0:04:38sells books, which she ghost writes in crayon by the... LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:41..by the shed-load!
0:04:41 > 0:04:42She's very popular.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47I went to a book signing that took about six or seven hours - Jordan.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Her second book was a bit quicker.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51LAUGHTER
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Anyway, um...you argue with true venom, Alice.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Let's see what Chris Tarrant doesn't like about celebrity.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Jedward!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I've said it now. Jedward!
0:05:16 > 0:05:21They are everything that Alice is on about, except they have a name.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26I don't understand a word they say, I don't think it would matter much if I found out,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29but they cannot sing, they cannot dance at all,
0:05:29 > 0:05:35they irritate the... out of just about everybody.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36They were on The X Factor,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39which supposedly is a search for excellence,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43someone who's got the X factor, someone like Mr Cooper on my left,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46who can go on to be a great star or whatever.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48It's the Y Factor! Why are they still on?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:52And, genetically, twins breed twins.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54There'll be bloody thousands of them!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56LAUGHTER
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Isn't there something loveable about them?- No.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I love...they've got a fabulous sort of...
0:06:02 > 0:06:06They're fools, but they seem resilient - they bounce back.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- Why?- They were dropped by their record label and were seen 20 minutes later
0:06:10 > 0:06:14in a local park playing leapfrog.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:20I have a clip which... you'll really enjoy this.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23This shows how durable they are.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26This is Jedward on stage and one of them, don't ask me which one,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30actually, mid-song, fractures a bone in his leg.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33# Pressure on people People on streets... #
0:06:35 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:44# Too cold, too cold. #
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Come on! Are you OK?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Let's do this!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Are you sure that wasn't an assassination attempt and...?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- I think they've changed the world. - No, they haven't!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Who would have thought we'd be in a position
0:07:05 > 0:07:08where the Cheeky Girls are not the stupidest twins in showbiz?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11There is that.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- They're massively popular across... - Who with?- Across the world.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- Where?- In New Zealand, there's a big Jedward fan club.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Here, this is their meeting.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Ha-ha-ha!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30And they actually did great services for the United States.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34They received full military honours, Jedward, for their part
0:07:34 > 0:07:37in the killing of Osama Bin Laden.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Really? Oh. - Here they are receiving their...
0:07:40 > 0:07:46They worked undercover in Al-Qaeda under the name of Jihadward.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:55I tweeted something about them in some wildlife context once
0:07:55 > 0:07:58about some talentless animal and compared it
0:07:58 > 0:08:02to these chumps and I got hate tweets.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- LAUGHTER - Hundreds of hate tweets.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Yes, sorry about that. It just really wound me up, Chris.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:14OK, you make your point, Chris.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19Let's see which celebrity Chris Packham doesn't like.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- It is the odious...- Ooh! - ..Chris Moyles.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38Just saying his name, I've probably developed a rash.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Can I ask what it is that you don't like about him?- Yeah. OK.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Well, there's a list of things. Firstly...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Hold on a minute.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49To me, he's a totemic figure
0:08:49 > 0:08:53for the celebration of mediocrity and ignorance.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- You know, he... - APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:05And he manifests this by speaking without ever thinking, you know,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08and when he... And he's self-aggrandizing.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11He... Oh, my goodness me.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Hold on. I've just got to breathe a bit.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I see him as a sort of cheeky Jabba The Hutt.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Can I say, before you tear in any more,
0:09:22 > 0:09:28Chris Moyles does, um, he's done 17.5 hours of radio a week...
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Oh, my God!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31..for seven years.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34They say that if an infinite number of monkeys
0:09:34 > 0:09:37typed on an infinite number of typewriters,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40eventually they would produce the works of Shakespeare.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44But, on the way, they'd produce quite a bit of casual sexism.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I think that's how it's worked...
0:09:46 > 0:09:51He's doing hours and hours of stuff, you've got to allow him the odd slip.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53One badly damaged marmoset
0:09:53 > 0:09:58typing on a Speak And Spell machine would produce his average show(!)
0:09:58 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I worked with Moyles at Capital Radio,
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- when he did the prestigious 1am slot until 2.30am or something. - See? He's paid his dues.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15You know, he did a 52-hour marathon on the radio
0:10:15 > 0:10:17and raised £2.4 million for charity.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21And how many people died in their rooms, you know?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:28Well, look, you've all argued with tremendous passion in this round,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31but, er, I'm not going to let Chris Moyles in
0:10:31 > 0:10:35because I think radio is a tough job and he does loads of it
0:10:35 > 0:10:37and I think some of it is great.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40And even Homer nods, as they say.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Jedward, I have a soft spot for... - Oh, come on!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Because I like them.- No! - I like fools of all kinds.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48But I'm going to go with Alice.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53You know what, I am going to put all reality TV stars into Room 101.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Thank you. Thank you.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:06 > 0:11:08The next category, please.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Animals. Oh, dear.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Animals that wind up Alice Cooper.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:30I hate people that have wild animals as pets.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35I don't get it. Eventually, that animal is going to eat you.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Chris, being a zoologist, is thinking,
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- "That giraffe will never eat that man, ever." - LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Didn't you used to keep snakes?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I have a snake here. I can't remember where I put it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:55A lot of people have snakes. Not many people have tigers and lions.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59It's always you read in the paper, "I don't know what happened.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01"I raised him from a cub
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"and now he's this big and he just took my face off."
0:12:04 > 0:12:08You know. He's a tiger. You're lunch!
0:12:08 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:14- My girlfriend keeps tigers and lions, Alice.- Really?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Does she really? - I'm in a difficult position.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- Your girlfriend keeps tigers and lions?- She does, yeah.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Now, look, I think...
0:12:22 > 0:12:27- Is that why you're wearing a camouflage shirt? - LAUGHTER
0:12:27 > 0:12:30No, my partner has a sanctuary where she gets animals
0:12:30 > 0:12:33from people who have tried to keep them, like Alice is talking about.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Her last one came from Florida and it was a tiger
0:12:36 > 0:12:38and it was brought over to the UK.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40She keeps it in a large enclosure with plenty of space
0:12:40 > 0:12:45and it will live out the rest of its life acting as an ambassador for its species.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- Many people come to see it and learn about it. - It's working as an ambassador?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- Is that like Geri Halliwell did for UNICEF? - LAUGHTER
0:12:54 > 0:12:59I mean, I kept lots of exotic animals when I was a kid,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- and now I let my girlfriend do it for me. - Like what? What did you have?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04We had British wild animals -
0:13:04 > 0:13:06foxes and badgers and owls and buzzards.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- And then rattle snakes. - As pets?- Yeah.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- Where did you keep them? Were they just in your house? - Yeah, in the bedroom.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14You had a fox in your bedroom and a badger?
0:13:14 > 0:13:19- That's amazing. Is it legal, Chris? - Well, no.- I'm sorry, I...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:22I love animals. I love animals.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26I have dogs, I have, you know, snakes, everything like that,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29and I treat them like they're made out of porcelain.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31They're my favourite things in the world - animals.
0:13:31 > 0:13:38It's just that when they get to weigh four times more than you do and they want to play,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41they can break you in half just playing with you.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I don't know anybody who has a giraffe.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- Oh, Michael Jackson had a giraffe, and look what it did to him. - LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- Hey, come on. - APPLAUSE
0:13:57 > 0:14:00You're not trying to pin this on the giraffe, are you?
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- Call it doctor all you want, but it was the giraffe. - LAUGHTER
0:14:06 > 0:14:10OK, let's see what kind of animals wind up Chris Tarrant.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Oh, I hate them!- Aaah.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19No, sorry. Parrots - I hate parrots!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I love birds. I spend a lot of time out in the country.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I hate...it didn't help that when I was six I was attacked by a parrot.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Well, that is...- It just went "Waaark!" and attacked me.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- You can't blame all parrots for one...- I do!
0:14:33 > 0:14:37They don't...they don't sing, they don't talk.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- "Did you hear what it...?" "Mwark!" - They do talk.- No, they do not.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44There's one in my pub, it never says a bloomin' thing.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48"Did you hear what it said? Shakespeare sonnet." No it wasn't. "Wark!"
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Pretty boy. "Bwark!" They don't!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53They can't fly, they fly a bit. They've got these horrible...
0:14:53 > 0:14:57they haven't got lovely, chirpy beaks, they've got these can openers.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02Look at them. Horrible things! And they crap...everywhere.
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Long John Silver, you never saw him from behind, did you?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER
0:15:09 > 0:15:14In the pirate films, when I was a kid, I used to like the parrots better than the pirates.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18I would have made Parrots Of The Caribbean if I was going to make that.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I just thought they were fascinating.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25If you go to a beautiful island in the Caribbean, St Lucia,
0:15:25 > 0:15:29there's signs everywhere saying, "Do not eat the parrot."
0:15:29 > 0:15:31It never crossed my mind, frankly.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- You can't do anything with them. They are horrible. - I think they repeat on you.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:46- Parrots can talk. - Of course they can't.- They can. - You've got a badger in your bed.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I am not going to argue with a man who wakes up with a Shetland pony(!)
0:15:51 > 0:15:56OK, which animals wind up Chris Packham?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Hold on.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08There is only one animal species that I don't like
0:16:08 > 0:16:12and that is Homo sapiens, the human species.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- What?- We have ruined everything.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Before you go on, is this just another sneaky way of getting Chris Moyles in?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:31We have ruined everything.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35We had a lovely little blue planet, drifting in a solar system,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38everything was in harmony, things were evolving,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42things were becoming extinct, we were having a nice little time with dinosaurs,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46and then, all of a sudden, mammals and then hominids.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50You know, we stand upright with our opposing thumb and our bigger brain
0:16:50 > 0:16:54and then some idiot invents agriculture about 12,000 years ago
0:16:54 > 0:16:59and then another idiot comes up with medicine so we live too long.
0:16:59 > 0:17:06And, all of a sudden, you've got 6.97 billion human beings trashing the whole lot.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08APPLAUSE
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- What are you doing, you fools? - Why are you all clapping?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15But we are the stewards of creation.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17That's why we invented the high-vis jacket.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:25We should be living in harmony with the rest of the world and we don't do it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Do you know, there are more... When it comes to vertebrate animals, animals with backbones,
0:17:29 > 0:17:34there are more humans than any other species on the planet...
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- But that's because we're best, Chris.- But we're not.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- You're telling us we are not best? - We're not best.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42That's...look at this.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You ask a chimpan...
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Rubbish!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52OK, this is my trump card,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55because I think there's something very magical about humanity.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59It's easy to criticise and talk about the bad things we've done to the planet,
0:17:59 > 0:18:04but I think there's also something beautiful and wondrous and magical about it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Here is my argument against you, Chris Packham.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the human race!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:17RHYTHMIC CLAPPING
0:18:23 > 0:18:25What time is it?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27It's Chico time!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Oh, come on! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I think I win.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47OK, so we come to the end of the animals round,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51and, you know what, I can't put human beings in
0:18:51 > 0:18:54because they're too special and wondrous and marvellous.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I don't think it's right to put the wild animals we've kept,
0:18:57 > 0:19:01because I think you keep a snake and I'm putting you next to that man with the giraffe.
0:19:01 > 0:19:07- And although I love parrots, you argued it with such verve, Chris. - As you would(!)
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I am going to put parrots into Room 101.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Bye-bye.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Bye.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17APPLAUSE
0:19:24 > 0:19:27OK, the next category, please.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- LAUGHTER - OK, it's People.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41So, um, let's see what kind of people wind up Chris Tarrant.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:52That's me!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yes.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I just hate, and I have to say you fit into the category nicely,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00almost all men in shorts.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I'm sorry, but men in shorts are ridiculous.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05They get on the train,
0:20:05 > 0:20:10and I don't know why they always find me in the posh carriages, and they sit like that.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12And there's something kind of...
0:20:12 > 0:20:17There's sort of big dark bits either side and they're sort of...
0:20:17 > 0:20:21There's something very unpleasant lolling about in the gloom.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:25But you can't look away, am I right?
0:20:25 > 0:20:26No, no!
0:20:26 > 0:20:27LAUGHTER
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I really do find nearly all men in shorts,
0:20:31 > 0:20:36including the president incumbent, deeply unpleasant. You're a very elegant man,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- you're very stylish. - I was caught unawares.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- You look ridiculous. - That's not a photoshoot, you'll be surprised to hear.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Frank, you're a handsome, good-looking son-of-a-gun.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48You'd look better with trousers on. Alice would.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50No, I live in Arizona.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55- You'd look better with trousers on. - Nine months of the year, I play golf every day
0:20:55 > 0:20:57and it's 110 degrees. We wear shorts. But...
0:20:57 > 0:21:01we don't wear socks up to here with sandals.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03That's a great look.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06You're right about one thing, you know,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08there should be a law against Speedos.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Oh!- Walking down the beach like...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER
0:21:16 > 0:21:19You know they looked in the mirror when they put them on and went,
0:21:19 > 0:21:20"Oh, yeah!"
0:21:20 > 0:21:23LAUGHTER
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I gotta have that!
0:21:25 > 0:21:29We've got a picture - Cristiano Ronaldo is an international sportsman,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32but even he's pushing it a bit with these shorts.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Oh, please!- They're short. I tell you something -
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Debenhams said that after these pictures appeared in the press,
0:21:41 > 0:21:46sales of those particular shorts went up 117%.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47That's two pairs.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- LAUGHTER - What about this?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- This is Peter Stringfellow on holiday.- Oh, no, no!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh, no!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58GROANS AND LAUGHTER No, no, no!
0:21:58 > 0:22:02And apparently, after these pictures appeared in the press,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Woolworths closed.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- We have a lovely picture of you out and about.- Not in shorts.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14I think these just about qualify as shorts. What do you think?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:19What am I doing?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- I think you're... - It looks like I'm leaving prison.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25God, they don't feed them that well in prison.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Another few pounds in there.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37OK, let's see what kind of people Chris Packham doesn't like.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Living statues.
0:22:49 > 0:22:55What is so clever about being silver and standing still?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:01 > 0:23:06I imagine the careers advisor comes in to the school.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09"What do you want to do?"
0:23:09 > 0:23:11"I want to be silver and stand still for a living."
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I mean, I just don't get it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It's not intrinsically clever at all, just to stand still.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20It's a waste of silver paint more than anything else.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Cos it's got to come off, presumably, nightly.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Could you stand still that long? I don't think I could.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I wouldn't want to, Chris, because it's utterly pointless.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35It's all right to be paid for standing still, it's like working for the Council.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36They're kind of making an effort.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40I mean, they could just be there begging if they wanted to.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It's a step up from that, isn't it?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- Static begging?- If someone's going to hold their hand out,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50they could at least give it a lick of paint.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I've got into this very annoying habit with the homeless.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56If they do this, I give them a low five. They hate it.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00This is like when you've given up on everything else.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- You paint yourself.- Yeah, you can't play a musical instrument,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08you can't eat fire, you can't do a card trick, you can't even beg with dignity,
0:24:08 > 0:24:14so all you can do is get down to B&Q, silver yourself up and stand still.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:18 > 0:24:22I had a really bad busker a couple of months ago.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25I mean awful. And they intrude on your life.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I went to put some money in the tin out of sympathy.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31He had a dog with him and when I went to put the money in, the dog went...
0:24:31 > 0:24:34and just put the paw over the tin.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"Don't encourage him."
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- Didn't the girl die in Goldfinger, from being painted gold?- Yes.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46So how do they get around that?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Well, I think that's a film.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52OK...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Alice Cooper, what kind of people don't you like?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05I hate people that talk in cinemas.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07We all go to the movies.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11And we always have the guy behind us that talks through the movie.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Or takes a phone call during the movie.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19And as if no-one exists except them in the whole...
0:25:19 > 0:25:22That's what makes me more mad than the talking,
0:25:22 > 0:25:26is the fact that they just disregard everybody else in the theatre.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29A lot of times I turn around and go,
0:25:29 > 0:25:33"Is this your first time at a movie?"
0:25:33 > 0:25:40Because Leo DiCaprio is talking now and I want to hear what he's saying.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- And they blankly look at you like... - To be fair,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47if I was in a cinema and Alice Cooper...
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I'd probably be fairly blank, I think.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56No, I take that back. I'd be terrified.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58You have one big plus, Alice -
0:25:58 > 0:26:04- you're Alice.- I actually did take Linda Blair to see The Exorcist.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Really?- Yes.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- I bet that turned heads. - We sat there
0:26:08 > 0:26:11and a guy in front was talking.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15She taps him on the shoulder and in her deepest voice says,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18"Shut up!"
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- LAUGHTER - To be fair to these men, I think a lot of them
0:26:22 > 0:26:25are explaining the plot to their girlfriends.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:31That was Moylesie.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34LAUGHTER
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I went to see Beaches, the Bette Midler film,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40and I got shushed for crying.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- LAUGHTER - That is true.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I started off just going...
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Then after a bit there was a slight whimper coming in.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50And someone shushed me. That's not good, is it?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54No, you can cry in a movie. I mean, cried in, er...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Weekend At Bernie's II.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Some people say some really funny stuff occasionally.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I went to see The Sound Of Music
0:27:03 > 0:27:06and it was a sing-along-a Sound Of Music,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09so it's a bit of a crazy atmosphere.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13And I would say there were a few gay men in the audience.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16And it was a frivolous atmosphere.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21There's a bit where Christopher Plummer is walking round the house like this,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24looking for Julie Andrews. And a guy behind me said,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27"She's in the gazebo with an 80-piece orchestra.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:36OK, again, you've all argued extremely well, I must say.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Er, I...
0:27:38 > 0:27:43I tell you what. I hate to do this, but I'll have to go with Alice Cooper.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I'm going to put people who talk in the cinema into Room 101.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:00 > 0:28:04OK, let's move on to the next category.
0:28:08 > 0:28:13Ah, this is the Wildcard Round because we feel we might constrain you a bit in your choices,
0:28:13 > 0:28:18so we give you one round where you're free to pick the thing that winds you up most of all.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22So let's find out what Chris Tarrant chose.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER
0:28:30 > 0:28:34All commercials on the television that try and sell me insurance.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37They are just driving me up the wall!
0:28:37 > 0:28:41When you're a kid, I remember my dad saying, "The insurance man's coming", knock on the door,
0:28:41 > 0:28:44it's something you were afraid of or quite spooky.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Now they are just... I don't know why,
0:28:46 > 0:28:51they just line up to make the most infuriating commercial and they use the oddest things.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53They choose the strangest people.
0:28:53 > 0:28:57Michael Parkinson. I have huge love and respect for Michael Parkinson,
0:28:57 > 0:28:59except he's doing some sort of commercial for...
0:28:59 > 0:29:04basically choose your own funeral arrangements, whatever, with free pen(!)
0:29:04 > 0:29:07LAUGHTER Michael, what are you doing?
0:29:07 > 0:29:10It's like, "I didn't know which coffin to go for,
0:29:10 > 0:29:14"but now I've got a free Biro, that's the one for me." What's that about?
0:29:14 > 0:29:16In case anyone hasn't seen that,
0:29:16 > 0:29:19let's have a look at the advert of which Chris speaks.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22I've met thousands of fascinating people
0:29:22 > 0:29:24and I have some wonderful memories,
0:29:24 > 0:29:29but if you'd like to leave your loved ones more than happy memories, you might want to look at this -
0:29:29 > 0:29:33The Axa Sun Life Guaranteed Over-50 plan.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37You'll receive a free Parker pen just for inquiring.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40You're dead! Who are you going to write to?
0:29:40 > 0:29:42LAUGHTER
0:29:42 > 0:29:45- From the grave? - What you want is a Papermate
0:29:45 > 0:29:49so you can write upside down, so you can write on the lid.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52I'm sorry, it's just always insurance of some form or another.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56And if it's not them, what do they use? Meerkats.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59CHEERING No! No, not that one.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02What's that one called? Aleksandr Orlov or something.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04He wants to have the snip, simples.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07He does. Gone.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10The meerkat had a best-selling book.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13So did Jordan! LAUGHTER
0:30:13 > 0:30:17Yeah, but I think that the meerkat wrote more of his than she did.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:23 > 0:30:28OK, let's see what Chris Packham's wildcard is.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Children's art.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:42 > 0:30:46- That's terrible.- Now, look... - You're bad.- You can't do that.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50There's nothing wrong with children's art, OK?
0:30:50 > 0:30:52It's children's art in public places,
0:30:52 > 0:30:56and that includes pinned to the fridges of the houses that I visit,
0:30:56 > 0:31:00because that essentially becomes a public place when I visit it.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03LAUGHTER
0:31:03 > 0:31:07- Now, I had a friend and he was a... - I find that hard to believe.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09LAUGHTER
0:31:09 > 0:31:13- Was it a weasel?- It was past tense. It was past tense.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18He was very, very keen on art.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21I have a passionate interest in art myself.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23He was an artist and I went round to his house.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27He's had a kid and he's got some rubbish like this on the fridge.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30- Well, I tore it up and put it in the bin.- No!
0:31:30 > 0:31:32- You didn't!- I did.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36- I did.- Chris, tell me you're exaggerating for comic effect.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38I'm not exaggerating. William, his son,
0:31:38 > 0:31:42had done this hideous caricature of some deformed animal or something
0:31:42 > 0:31:44and I tore it up and put it in the bin.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48You know, how could he be so hypocritical?
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Obviously, yes, enjoy it, share it with the family
0:31:51 > 0:31:54and then file it away where it can't be seen.
0:31:54 > 0:31:59Well, look, we got some of our production team's children to draw you.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01LAUGHTER
0:32:01 > 0:32:06They've watched...they've watched Autumn thingy, and all that,
0:32:06 > 0:32:08and this was what they came up with.
0:32:08 > 0:32:09- AUDIENCE:- Aww...
0:32:09 > 0:32:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:12 > 0:32:17I don't know...I think Michaela Strachan has looked better.
0:32:18 > 0:32:23- But doesn't that make you feel a bit guilty, that they've drawn a lovely Chris Packham?- It doesn't.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27- I'm very flattered that they've, done that, and I...- We told them to.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32But, nevertheless, they picked up their felt tips and they, you know,
0:32:32 > 0:32:37inscribed a hideous caricature of myself on a piece of cheap paper.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42- And as much as I appreciate that... - You're a monster.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45And as much as I appreciate that and I'm flattered by that,
0:32:45 > 0:32:49I would take that home and I would write to the child and say thank you very much,
0:32:49 > 0:32:54- because I would want to encourage their interest...- You can't write with hands like that(!)
0:32:54 > 0:32:56LAUGHTER
0:32:56 > 0:33:00- I just wouldn't put it on the wall, that's all.- OK.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03I've got a bit of an itchy...
0:33:03 > 0:33:05LAUGHTER
0:33:07 > 0:33:10More realistic than you think.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16OK, let's see Alice Cooper's wildcard.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23LAUGHTER
0:33:24 > 0:33:28I hate clowns that make animals out of balloons.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30I hate the sound of it.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32IMITATES SQUEAKY BALLOON
0:33:32 > 0:33:36I was on an airplane one time when, and I don't smoke,
0:33:36 > 0:33:39this is back when you could smoke on an airline,
0:33:39 > 0:33:43and there'd be a kid with a balloon and I would light a cigarette and walk by and pop it.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45LAUGHTER
0:33:45 > 0:33:52I'm so sorry. When we get off the plane and you're in your car, I'll buy you another balloon, OK?
0:33:52 > 0:33:55- But not on an enclosed airplane where you get... - MAKES BALLOON NOISES
0:33:55 > 0:33:59I can't stand the sound of a squeaky balloon.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02In case anyone isn't familiar with the sound...
0:34:02 > 0:34:03BALLOON SQUEAKS
0:34:05 > 0:34:06It's not that easy to do.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11LAUGHTER
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Sorry. I'm Catholic. I'm not used to this.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19I'm no big fan of the balloons at all.
0:34:19 > 0:34:24- They're stupid-looking, aren't they? You've never seen a good-looking balloon hat.- No.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27I've never seen an accurate facsimile of any animal.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31- No. That's nothing you've ever had in your bed?- Never.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33LAUGHTER
0:34:33 > 0:34:37- I'm going to try one thing to win you over.- OK.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Alice, I would like you to meet,
0:34:40 > 0:34:43and please give a warm hand to Mr Graham Lee.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45APPLAUSE
0:34:53 > 0:34:57- Hey, Alice, guess what Graham does. - Yeah, I was afraid of that.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01So, Graham, can you make us a little bit of wildlife?
0:35:01 > 0:35:05Of course I can. This is a classic of balloon modelling.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Here we go.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12And it's...get hold of it like this and there we go.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15A little swan. APPLAUSE
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Brilliant!
0:35:21 > 0:35:23This next one is going to win you over.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Graham prepared one earlier. Can you go and get it, Graham?
0:35:26 > 0:35:30- Wait a second. - If this one doesn't challenge...
0:35:32 > 0:35:34APPLAUSE
0:35:52 > 0:35:55That is brilliant. Look at that snake's face.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58I absolutely lose. That's... How long did that take?
0:35:58 > 0:36:03- Oh, probably about 16 hours. - Anybody got a cigarette?
0:36:03 > 0:36:06LAUGHTER
0:36:08 > 0:36:09That's amazing, that really is.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12What about a big hand for Graham Lee?
0:36:12 > 0:36:14APPLAUSE
0:36:20 > 0:36:22I've come to my final decision of the night.
0:36:22 > 0:36:28Chris, I feel sorry for you, because you've argued so well all night,
0:36:28 > 0:36:33but all the things you've chosen are just really nice things.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37I can't put children's art in, it would just be wrong.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40And I'm not going to put balloon animals in
0:36:40 > 0:36:48because I love the fact that they are made by us and makes us, sort of, God-like creatures.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52But I am, and to be honest, with some gusto,
0:36:52 > 0:36:56- I am going to put insurance adverts into Room 101.- Yes!
0:36:56 > 0:36:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:08 > 0:37:12And that brings us to the end of the show
0:37:12 > 0:37:17and well done, Chris, you were the most persuasive contestant tonight and you win.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Oh, fantastic.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22APPLAUSE
0:37:25 > 0:37:28And, as winner, you get to put one choice
0:37:28 > 0:37:32completely unchallenged into Room 101. What will it be?
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Sooty.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36AUDIENCE BOOS
0:37:36 > 0:37:38I can't stand Sooty.
0:37:38 > 0:37:4140 years, it's still not an act.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45It's just a bloke with his hand up a yellow bag.
0:37:46 > 0:37:52Anybody could work with it - Ozzy Osbourne, Prince Charles.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56- If Ozzy Osbourne did it, though, Sooty would be like this. - LAUGHTER
0:37:56 > 0:37:59- Anyway, it goes straight in, Chris. - Good! At last! Yes!
0:38:03 > 0:38:08Thank you very much, Chris Tarrant, Chris Packham and Alice Cooper, and thank you. Good night.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:28 > 0:38:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd