0:00:23 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates
0:00:40 > 0:00:43exiled for ever to the dark vault that is Room 101.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47In each round, only one choice can make it into the dreaded room.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49The final decision is mine.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Sometimes it can be difficult deciding my least favourite.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Take, for example, this category...
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Well, I mean, it would be wrong to separate them.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07I think we can cram them all in.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09So, let's meet the guests.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Joining me tonight are author and academic Germaine Greer,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15comedian Ross Noble and pop music's very own Jamelia!
0:01:15 > 0:01:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:25OK, let's have our first category.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Modern life.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Let's see Germaine's choice.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Computer pop-ups. AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:01:45 > 0:01:48"Ooh," go the crowd.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Yes, they are a little annoying.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Exasperating. There you are, actually working on something,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56and suddenly - bing! - up comes this thing, and you have to hunt around
0:01:56 > 0:01:58and find the little X to get rid of it,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01and then it's something else hiding underneath.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03By the time you've got your screen clear again,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06you've forgotten what you were doing.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10The ones I hate the most are the ones that pretend to be helpful.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11You write "Dear",
0:02:11 > 0:02:16and up comes a pop-up that says, "Are you trying to write a letter?"
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Argh!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Isn't one of the worst sounds in the world...?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25MICROSOFT WINDOWS ERROR NOISE
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Ohh. It's like life stops for a second.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33What I'd really like to know about computers is this -
0:02:33 > 0:02:35is it just my computer,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38or do you get things listed in your favourites
0:02:38 > 0:02:41that aren't your favourites?
0:02:41 > 0:02:46There's all my things, which are, you know, football and, um...
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Russian literature...
0:02:50 > 0:02:55..and then I'll get stuff like Radio Station Guide.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00When I die, someone will look at my favourites and say "What kind of man was this?"
0:03:00 > 0:03:03That says a lot about what you think your funeral will be like.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
0:03:06 > 0:03:10"Right, we've got his hard drive. Let's have a look."
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I hope they go for favourites rather than history.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:20- Do you ever google yourself, Germaine?- No, never.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23So you've never googled yourself? You must google yourself.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25On an almost hourly basis.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- You have?- Yeah.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31It really kind of scared me.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34There was a killer in America,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37whose name was Jamelia something-or-other,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39and she'd done a really bad crime...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42So many killers have.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:49 > 0:03:51OK, what is Ross Noble's choice?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Health and safety.- Oh, God.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Health and safety in all its many forms.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I know there'll be do-gooders that say,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"But come on, we don't want people being injured
0:04:13 > 0:04:14"and it's there to help."
0:04:14 > 0:04:19No, the reason we have danger is to get rid of idiots.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22These signs, my thing that I like to do is,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I get those in the supermarket
0:04:25 > 0:04:30and I walk along and land on them and I lie on the floor, going,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33"Aaagh! Some idiot left a big yellow sign."
0:04:35 > 0:04:37God's honest truth, right,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40in Afghanistan, right, Camp Bastion,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43in Afghanistan, on the base,
0:04:43 > 0:04:48the guys over there who wear full camouflage, full, proper camouflage,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51at night, for safety reasons,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54have to wear high-vis sashes.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It's a war zone, and you're wearing camouflage!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Camouflage and high-vis are two ends of the spectrum,
0:05:01 > 0:05:06and we're getting soldiers to wear high-vis in a war zone?! No!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Oh, my God.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Here's an example. This is from Barking, right?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Don't say it.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30They've decided in Barking, it was quite a wide pavement,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33so they thought they'd put yellow lines down
0:05:33 > 0:05:36to give people guidance on where to walk.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:41This woman is dicing with death.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46She's about to reach out of the zone into the post-box zone.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I also like the fact that there's a trapdoor in front of her.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Even in schools now,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56they're not allowed - well, they're allowed to play conkers
0:05:56 > 0:05:59if they wear the goggles. I'm not joking. I have two daughters,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02and they're not allowed to bring skipping ropes to school,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04because they're dangerous.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- You're kidding me? - No. They are not allowed to skip.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10To be fair, though, as a child,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I was tied to many trees with skipping ropes.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17And also, I think what's happened
0:06:17 > 0:06:20is that the headmaster has googled you
0:06:20 > 0:06:24and thought, "The mum's a strangler..."
0:06:27 > 0:06:30OK, so, that is Ross's choice.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Let's see what Jamelia doesn't like about modern life.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Oh!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I had to...
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Can you actually read that? - This is exactly my problem.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I hate text speak.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I hate "LOL" and all of that,
0:06:51 > 0:06:55because I feel as if I'm decoding something.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59I didn't go to school for so many years to communicate in this way.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01It really irritates me.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- But it's the future. - It's not the future.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07It is. The language is changing. In ten years' time,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09people on Countdown will say,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13"Consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant".
0:07:13 > 0:07:14That'll be it.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- In ten years' time, Countdown probably won't exist and...- Whoa!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:25If anyone just tunes in and hears that, they'll be horrified.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Well, nobody will know how to spell.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30This is going to become the norm,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34so we have to put it in Room 101 as soon as possible. We do!
0:07:34 > 0:07:35CHEERING
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Can I ask you a personal question?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I've heard that some parents are anti this because the kids use it
0:07:42 > 0:07:45and because the parents don't understand it,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47the kids can have secret conversations
0:07:47 > 0:07:50and the parents can't work it out. Is that right?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Well, my kids aren't old enough for texting.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I mean, they can, but they're not old enough for this.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00I am strongly against it, like, they won't be...
0:08:00 > 0:08:04I'm the leader of my house, and I will be seeing all text messages.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- I'll be seeing every message you ever send.- What?!
0:08:07 > 0:08:11As a parent, I need to be a spy. I'm going to be a spy.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12I am!
0:08:12 > 0:08:17- I'm going to know everything you do before you even do it.- What, me?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Have you just adopted Frank?
0:08:22 > 0:08:27Yeah, we're keeping it hush-hush at the moment. The paperwork's still going through.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I just love saying, "This is my mum". "Isn't she a murderer?"
0:08:30 > 0:08:32"No, it wasn't her."
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I honestly do like it.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I think it's shorter and quicker.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I start all my prayers now "OMG."
0:08:46 > 0:08:52- I've got one more thing.- Oh, sorry. - I'm very passionate about this.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Even in e-mails, I'm now starting to get this text speak.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00You know, I'm a businesswoman. Give me proper words.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- Are you a businesswoman?- I AM a businesswoman.- What are you selling?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Myself... In a good way!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Can I just say - OMG.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Can I just say WTF?
0:09:24 > 0:09:30OK. At the end of this, I must admit, I hate computer pop-ups.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32And I hate health and safety.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36But Jamelia argues her case so strongly,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38even though I really like text speak,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I cannot argue with the woman,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44so I'm going to put text speak into Room 101.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Right, then, let's have our next category.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06It's people.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Let's see what people wind up Ross Noble.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19What this is is, um...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21cycling commuters.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Oh.- Now, just whoa there.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Not ALL cycling commuters.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28But there's certain cyclists
0:10:28 > 0:10:31that think that because they're saving the planet
0:10:31 > 0:10:35and all pandas are living because they're doing a bit of pedalling,
0:10:35 > 0:10:39it's all right for them to go straight through red lights
0:10:39 > 0:10:40and break the law. Oh, yeah.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:44 > 0:10:46By that rationale...
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Are they clapping the going through the red lights?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I think they might be, yeah.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56I like the ones that have a bike and they haven't got a helmet on,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59and the bike's not particularly well maintained,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02and they're just riding around, just taking risks.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- I don't mind that.- Dangerous ones are all right.- Exactly.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I don't mind the ones that are risking themselves.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11But the ones that have got the light mounted
0:11:11 > 0:11:13like a flashing Teletubby...
0:11:13 > 0:11:17A Teletubby that's flashing, I don't mean Tinky Winky giving it...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- No.- That would be very disturbing. "Eh-oh!"
0:11:21 > 0:11:28What we should have is, at every traffic light, a sniper.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:11:30 > 0:11:33You lot are really worrying me now.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"Let's kill people!"
0:11:36 > 0:11:39You could lead this lot out onto the street,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41holding up flaming torches.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Just find the nearest cyclist and drag them down.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- But you...- There's a... Go on.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- But you cycle, don't you? - I do, yeah.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53But I cycle in the woods and in the fields,
0:11:53 > 0:11:54on a mountain bike.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I do cycle and I like cycling,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00but it's just the... Recumbent bikes. Have you seen these?
0:12:00 > 0:12:05If you don't know what a recumbent bike is, we have a picture of one.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Do you? There.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Now, I'm sorry, right?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10I mean, it's handy,
0:12:10 > 0:12:14cos you're already in the coffin position
0:12:14 > 0:12:17for when you die - Boom! Straight in the back of the hearse.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Just a ramp, that's all you need.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Have a cat flap on the back of the coffin.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I must admit, I am very tempted by the recumbent bike.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29If I was going on one of those, I'd start to think at myself,
0:12:29 > 0:12:33"How small a dog could I pass under?"
0:12:33 > 0:12:36If it was a soaking wet Afghan hound,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39it'd be like going through a car-wash.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Lovely fringes of silky fur.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46We've got a clip of someone cycling in the countryside.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50It doesn't look that idyllic to me.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59LAUGHTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:05You see?
0:13:05 > 0:13:11That there is exactly what we need, an antelope on every junction.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15A giant antelope at every single junction.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Fair enough. I feel you've made your point.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23OK, then. What kind of people wind up Jamelia?
0:13:29 > 0:13:33This represents, um, smelly people. Now...
0:13:36 > 0:13:37LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:41That's just cruel.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46No, I'll tell you. To me, smelly people are very inconsiderate.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48And they're also the most...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I don't know, they want to get close to you.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55And they want to... People with smelly breath always talk.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It's a kind of like their rule.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01"I haven't brushed my teeth, so I'm going to talk right in your face."
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Yeah, they all do that breathing thing.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09Yeah, but it's inconsiderate. It's mean, and I just think it's...
0:14:09 > 0:14:14I've got a very sensitive nose, and I think it's unfair. I have!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I can smell people, and I think...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Have we got any in tonight, would you say?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I get more and more irate every time it happens,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30and I'm now 30 years old, so if someone who smells is near me,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I'm very much like, "Arrrgh!"
0:14:32 > 0:14:37I love the fact that you said that you've got to 30 now and it's getting worse.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Imagine what it's like when you're going to be in an old folks' home.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44"Oh, blimey! Ooh, lavender and piss!"
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I think that's a Jane Austen novel, actually.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I find, if there's anyone at home
0:14:54 > 0:14:57who thinks they might have a body odour problem,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I think when people are dry retching...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02That's the first thing to look out for.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I've got to say,
0:15:04 > 0:15:08there's something I find uneasy about the smelly people thing,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12because I think a lot of them don't know and they're not told by people,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- so it's not their fault. - There is no excuse.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17As far as I'm concerned, if you're wearing clothes,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19you can afford deodorant. Simple as that.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22That's a fabulous maxim you've come up with.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24There are answers.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29This is not a joke thing, this is an actual American product,
0:15:29 > 0:15:33which was produced for this very problem.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Are you suffering from pungent pits? Foul feet?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Beastly butt odour?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41How do you stop the stink?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Hi, I'm Adam Jay, and this is Doc Bottoms' A Spray.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49A Spray your butt, A Spray your feet, A Spray under your arms.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You can even A Spray your privates.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54A Spray is safe for all your odour zones.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Call right now before you stink up the place.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02That is the greatest invention, I'm sorry.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04The cleavage surprised me.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06You never hear anyone say,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08"She's a nice girl, but her cleavage..."
0:16:08 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:13OK, I think that's a very good point,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17so what kind of people annoy Germaine?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27The people who annoy me are "ac-tors".
0:16:27 > 0:16:30One of the problems about them, you see,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33and it's interesting this should be poor old Hamlet,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35because it doesn't matter how dim an actor is,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38he always thinks he has a Hamlet in him,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42and it's going to be different from everybody else's Hamlet.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I can remember one Hamlet who actually took all his clothes off,
0:16:46 > 0:16:52and got himself flogged on stage, he had so little faith in the play
0:16:52 > 0:16:54and so little modesty himself.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57And actors always think that people are interested in them,
0:16:57 > 0:17:02and that they are interesting and they're really not.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I have done a bit of acting myself, though,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07and I am, I think you'll agree, fascinating.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Yes, but not because you're an actor,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11you're fascinating because you're YOU.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17You've so upped your chances of winning this round.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21We had to put up with all that Hugh Grant carry on
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- during the Murdoch carry on, remember that?- Yes.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28And he would say incredible things like,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32that he was having to check his car every day
0:17:32 > 0:17:34to see if there was a bug in his car,
0:17:34 > 0:17:39and no-one ever said, "Hugh, dear, WAS there ever a bug in your car?"
0:17:39 > 0:17:43No. Apparently there was a woman looking under the dashboard for one.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER
0:17:46 > 0:17:52I've heard actors say some funny and interesting things.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- I mean, I wrote them. - Usually written by other people.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Why is my morning news programme
0:17:59 > 0:18:02messed up with actors who have to come tottering on
0:18:02 > 0:18:04and talk some kind of connected sense
0:18:04 > 0:18:06about what they're doing at the moment,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and everyone appears to be so interested.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11It's not interesting.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13You hear me?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Why are you watching it then?!
0:18:15 > 0:18:20I'm waiting for the next bit of news, I don't have very much choice.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22It's that or GMTV.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Forgot to mention Kate Winslet is in.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:32 > 0:18:33OK, now it comes to my decision.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I'm not going to let smelly people in.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40It feels a bit cruel and unkind.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44And I know there are some dodgy cyclists, but I think most cyclists
0:18:44 > 0:18:48are basically saving the planet - good, courageous people.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER AND BOOING
0:18:51 > 0:18:55I'm going to put actors into Room 101.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58CHEERS AND BOOS
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Anyway, let's move on to the next category.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19Airports. Right, what doesn't Jamelia like about airports?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29What I don't like is, erm...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32airport security. It hasn't quite got to this stage for me.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34No, it's quite strict there.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36But, um, I find that I find
0:19:36 > 0:19:40the whole experience of going to the airport terrifying.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- I'm not a criminal, you know, despite what Google may say.- Yeah.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I'm not. There are just so many different stages and checks
0:19:48 > 0:19:50and it scares the life out of me.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52And I just think that...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I know I'm not a criminal, and when you're coming from Europe,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59you have the option of going through Nothing To Declare
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and Something To Declare - "I've got eggs in my bag."
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Why can't we have that for criminals going to and from countries?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- You know?- Oh, sort of Terrorists and Non-Terrorists?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Exactly. Exactly!
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Why do they trust people to go through Nothing To Declare
0:20:15 > 0:20:16and Something To Declare?
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- Why can't they trust me to say, "I'm not a criminal, it's fine."- Yeah.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23And then just... The whole thing, they make you take off your shoes,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25it's very undignified.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28So many times, I've been told to take off my hat.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- I'm like, "I haven't done my hair yet."- Oh, that. Yes, God.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I rather risk the plane going down!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Can I just say - what would the alternative be?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Because if there was no airport security,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- we'd be dicing with death, wouldn't we?- Well, would we?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I mean, how many terrorists have there REALLY been on aeroplanes?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49OK, so you'll take a few shots.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53This thing is, the ones...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I really wish you were in government.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"Oh, come on! There haven't been that many!"
0:20:59 > 0:21:00But the thing is,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03the terrorists that have been on planes have been on the planes -
0:21:03 > 0:21:07they've already done it, so, you know, there's no use punishing me,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I haven't done anything!
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Well, I must say, you've given a very convincing argument.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19I was on my way to Korea, and they took nail clippers off me.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21In hand luggage.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23What are you going to do with that?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Exactly, will I stand up on the plane and say, "Nobody move!"?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31"Don't, don't... I'll trim you if I have to!"
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- I've had the full strip-search. - Yeah?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Yeah, I was going into Dubai and the bloke went, "You. Come."
0:21:39 > 0:21:41He took me in a room and he said...
0:21:41 > 0:21:45And I realise humour isn't the... It's not the time or place.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48And he literally went, "Take you clothes off."
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I couldn't help myself, I went, "Buy me a drink first."
0:21:52 > 0:21:53I...
0:21:53 > 0:21:58- I couldn't, like... I could not help myself.- I think that's actually...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01That's a worse offence in Dubai, isn't it?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I tell you what I do, as well.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I have a habit of if the thing doesn't beep when I go through,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I go, "Come on!"
0:22:09 > 0:22:12They don't like that. That makes them edgy.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15OK, then. Let's see Germaine's choice.
0:22:22 > 0:22:28The most loathsome thing about air travel these days is budget airlines.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You understand when you pay...
0:22:30 > 0:22:34a small price to go somewhere on a plane that you're going to be
0:22:34 > 0:22:36in a tiny seat and you're going to have the seat in front
0:22:36 > 0:22:38banging against your knees.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39You understand all of that.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45But what is completely unnecessary is the systematic humiliation
0:22:45 > 0:22:47of the passengers.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51It starts when you get there - you then queue at security,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53you then queue at the gate.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56You feel absolutely like cattle.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Then you get out and you're going to board the plane
0:22:59 > 0:23:02and you queue AGAIN on the stairs up to the plane.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07By the time you get into your micro-seat, you are so abject,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10you would even buy a scratchcard.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14That's pretty bad.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19I flew on a well-known budget airline and I was spotted,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23photographed and the headline in the Daily Mirror said,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25"Frank Skinflint."
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Which I thought was a bit harsh, because I resent...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You know, sometimes I fly first class. You know, posh.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36And sometimes I fly budget, depending on the distance. I...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I'll tell you what put me off flying first class
0:23:39 > 0:23:42is there's often a lot of other celebrities on the flight,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44and I hate that.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47What worries me... I'm sitting there, thinking,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"If this plane crashes, what's the billing going to be?"
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I was on with Ant and Dec once, and I thought,
0:23:54 > 0:23:58"I've got no chance, Ant and Dec. "It'll be, 'Ant and Dec die...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00" 'comedian also perishes.' "
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Can I show you this? This is a genuine item that you can buy.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10This thing is a beat-the-hand-luggage jacket, right?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13And the idea is that you actually...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16You go on...
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:28No way!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Look, there's a laptop in my pocket.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37You can buy these. Can you imagine trying to get through in this?
0:24:37 > 0:24:38I love it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I want one. I really want one.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46OK, let's see what Ross Noble doesn't like about airports.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Woo!
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Miniature novelty cakes.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01- Er, the carousel. The baggage carousel.- You don't like that?!
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Well, don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed the carousel.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07One of the greatest days of my life -
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I was with a bunch of mates,
0:25:09 > 0:25:14and we were at quite a small airport I, for a bit of a laugh, I got on...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17You know the bags come out that way and then it disappears behind?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I got on the carousel and rode it through,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23so I disappeared into the baggage bit and went all the way round...
0:25:23 > 0:25:24- Are you serious?- Seriously, yeah.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I jumped on one bit,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29and I went into the baggage bit - cos nobody's going to turn round...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Even security aren't going to go,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33"There's a bloke travelling into the..."
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It would even register, so I travelled through.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38It was quite good, cos the blokes loading the bags
0:25:38 > 0:25:41just looked and they went, "You all right?"
0:25:41 > 0:25:44And I went, "All right?" And they... They weren't fussed.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47And I went along the thing like that and around,
0:25:47 > 0:25:51and then everyone's waiting next to the hole there, ready, like that.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54So I curled up into a ball, closed my eyes,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58then I came through the flap and appeared and went, "Oh, am I here?"
0:25:58 > 0:26:00And I got up and just walked off.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Let me get this right -
0:26:03 > 0:26:07you said this was one of the greatest days of your life?!
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Honestly, it was like...
0:26:08 > 0:26:13I felt like Brucie was going to go, "Cuddly toy, Ross Noble..."
0:26:15 > 0:26:18But the thing that I hate about them
0:26:18 > 0:26:22is there's always someone that has to start just creeping forward...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- It's tempting.- ..then someone else creeps forward.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28And then you're all up against there, and it's that, "Argh!"
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- But you see...- And also they put a sign on the thing -
0:26:31 > 0:26:36and, granted, I realise the irony of this -
0:26:36 > 0:26:39"Do not ride on the..."
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Now what sort of idiot...?
0:26:41 > 0:26:47But everyone just pushes, and they don't spread themselves out evenly
0:26:47 > 0:26:50and wait for the bags to come around - everyone gathers,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53and then a little squeeze in of the trolley, like that.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56And when people do that to me, I punch them in the head.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59BANG! "Move back behind the line!"
0:26:59 > 0:27:01It's the ones that don't notice their own bag,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and then they start chasing it - they're the problem.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07They should have a grinder at the end of the carousel,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09so people stay focused on their luggage.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Anyway, I've got some...
0:27:12 > 0:27:16This is secret camera footage of baggage handlers,
0:27:16 > 0:27:20um, with our beloved luggage.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24And there you go, it just goes into the...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26This is real stuff as well.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27It's one of the few occasions
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I've wanted there to be a bomb in the bag.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Ohh!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Oh, missed!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- So, um...- And that was live puppies.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Well, it started as live puppies.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45OK, then. Um, airports.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Well, you've all argued particularly well.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I'm not going to let the luggage carousel in,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53cos that's one of the little exciting things in my life
0:27:53 > 0:27:56and I think that budget airlines are just important
0:27:56 > 0:27:58because they're so cheap.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01A lot of people wouldn't be able to fly at all, probably,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03if it wasn't for budget airlines,
0:28:03 > 0:28:07so at great risk to all of our lives, I'm going to put in...
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- airport security.- Hey!
0:28:09 > 0:28:13APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Sorry.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23OK, another category.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31OK, we now come to the wildcard round,
0:28:31 > 0:28:34and in this one there are no holds barred, you can pick anything
0:28:34 > 0:28:38at all you don't like without the restraints of the usual categories.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41So let's see what Jamelia's wild card is.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50My wild card is mornings.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Mornings?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I want to know who decided
0:28:55 > 0:28:58that everything has to start in the morning.
0:28:58 > 0:28:59Why...?
0:28:59 > 0:29:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:05 > 0:29:09Why can our day not start at 12, or at least 11?
0:29:09 > 0:29:11There'll be students at home thinking,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13"What's she talking about?"
0:29:13 > 0:29:16They'll be googling "morning".
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I'm a mother of two, and they go to school,
0:29:20 > 0:29:23and every morning we have to get up about half six or seven,
0:29:23 > 0:29:25and it's horrible.
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Who decided that school has to start at nine o'clock?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Why can't it start at 11?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Can we not try it out? Who do I talk to?
0:29:33 > 0:29:35LAUGHTER
0:29:35 > 0:29:37I don't know the answer.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39It's no good getting on to me about it,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I don't know who made it that way.
0:29:42 > 0:29:43Does anyone like waking up?
0:29:43 > 0:29:47I do, if I know I've got a Cumberland sausage in the fridge.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Honestly, that will get me out of bed. You know a Cumberland?
0:29:50 > 0:29:54Have you ever heated one in a microwave?
0:29:54 > 0:29:57- Don't they straighten? - No, I tell you what it's like...
0:29:57 > 0:30:00I've heard they uncoil in the microwave.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02They come up like a cobra.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05I always think, as well, with black pudding,
0:30:05 > 0:30:07when you get a whole black pudding,
0:30:07 > 0:30:10I always looking for a cord on it, cos a black pudding always looks
0:30:10 > 0:30:14like if you pull a cord on it, it'll just expand into a Goth.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18There's nothing worse than pulling the cord
0:30:18 > 0:30:20and finding out it's just a vein.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Being left with an aorta.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Oh, shut your faces!
0:30:30 > 0:30:32I didn't realise it was vegan night!
0:30:32 > 0:30:37I had an alarm clock, it was sort of a lamp alarm clock thing,
0:30:37 > 0:30:41and it was a football, and it was activated by sound,
0:30:41 > 0:30:46so if you woke up in the night, you could go like this
0:30:46 > 0:30:49and the light would come on and it was brilliant.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Unfortunately, if you...
0:30:53 > 0:30:58broke wind with any kind of rigour,
0:30:58 > 0:31:02the light would come on, which always felt like a reprimand.
0:31:02 > 0:31:03LAUGHTER
0:31:03 > 0:31:06OK, let's have a look at Germaine's choice.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17It might be difficult to tell, but this is a fun run.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21You don't want to put fun runs into Room 101?
0:31:21 > 0:31:23- I do.- OK. - I'm really fed up with them.
0:31:23 > 0:31:28I'm fed up with them because, first of all, I'm meant to like them.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30They are so worthy and so noble,
0:31:30 > 0:31:34and the people are all being so self-sacrificing,
0:31:34 > 0:31:36and it's supposed to be fun,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39that's the other thing, and all I can see is misery.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42I can see people really abusing their bodies.
0:31:42 > 0:31:48For charity, which I'm not really keen on either. I really feel...
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Let's go the whole way and put charity into Room 101.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53I've tried in the past,
0:31:53 > 0:31:57however, that's another thing. What really gets me is,
0:31:57 > 0:32:00you see people doing things that are really stupid,
0:32:00 > 0:32:04like running along loaded down with heavy things,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07taking hours and days to get to the finishing line,
0:32:07 > 0:32:10wrecking their own health, destroying their joints.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13They're all going to need attention later on
0:32:13 > 0:32:15and become a burden on the health service,
0:32:15 > 0:32:18but it's really the worthiness of it.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Also, I'm sick of them.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23There are so many of them. Enough, we've had enough fun runs.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26They're wrongly-named, they're misery runs.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30They're dangerous, and why don't you just write a cheque?
0:32:30 > 0:32:32LAUGHTER
0:32:32 > 0:32:35I know what you mean about the misuse of the word fun.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Anyone who's ever been glassed in a fun pub will know
0:32:38 > 0:32:42that you can't impose fun on anyone.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43It's like "fun-size".
0:32:43 > 0:32:47A fun-size chocolate bar is a smaller chocolate bar
0:32:47 > 0:32:49than a normal one.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53So that means our economy is now more fun than it used to be.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57What I love about when you watch the Great North Run
0:32:57 > 0:32:58and the London Marathon
0:32:58 > 0:33:02is you've got some little Kenyan guy with no shoes on up the front,
0:33:02 > 0:33:05and he's just running like mad,
0:33:05 > 0:33:09and that in itself, but I love to watch him
0:33:09 > 0:33:14and imagine all the people dressed as rhinos and turtles are after him.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19There's rhinos and Honey Monsters going, "Kill him!"
0:33:21 > 0:33:27OK, fun runs. And finally, what is Ross Noble's wild-card choice?
0:33:34 > 0:33:35Folk dancing.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Folk dancing?
0:33:37 > 0:33:38Folk dancing.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41You know, I travel quite a lot, and it just seems wherever you go,
0:33:41 > 0:33:44you're just trying to relax and have a nice time,
0:33:44 > 0:33:48and the next thing you know, and it's the words that just strike
0:33:48 > 0:33:51fear into my heart, "Oh, you're lucky, any minute now
0:33:51 > 0:33:55"there'll be a display of local dancing."
0:33:55 > 0:33:56LAUGHTER
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Usually it's rubbish as well.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Especially, and I know I'm in a dodgy area,
0:34:02 > 0:34:04but if you go to Africa,
0:34:04 > 0:34:07and I know it's meant to be this deeply cultural thing,
0:34:07 > 0:34:09and you have local dancing,
0:34:09 > 0:34:12but I swear they've just changed out of their tracksuits,
0:34:12 > 0:34:14put on a coconut bra, and go...
0:34:15 > 0:34:17That's not a dance!
0:34:17 > 0:34:20- Do they have coconuts in Africa? - No, they don't!
0:34:22 > 0:34:24That is what aroused my suspicion.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27LAUGHTER
0:34:27 > 0:34:30"Hang on a second. There's no coconuts here.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33"That should be a bit of grass or a tiger's face."
0:34:34 > 0:34:36They don't even have tigers - it's lions!
0:34:36 > 0:34:38"You lot, where are you...?!"
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Look, have you been to Africa?!
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Oh, no, now I come to think of it...
0:34:43 > 0:34:45What you went to was Whipsnade Safari Park!
0:34:46 > 0:34:49It doesn't matter where you go in the world,
0:34:49 > 0:34:54it's just the same arsing about with different pants on.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Or no pants at all sometimes.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Well, on a good day.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Now, I really disagree with you on this.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06I think that folk dancing is a link to an ancient world
0:35:06 > 0:35:09that's been steamrollered by industrialisation.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12No.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15I do, when I see the Morris dancers,
0:35:15 > 0:35:18there's something fabulously pagan and exciting about it.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I take your point, and I raise you five geography teachers
0:35:21 > 0:35:22with a pig's bladder on a stick.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25- I love it!- # Oh, hey nonny no, with a hey nonny no... #
0:35:25 > 0:35:26No, I love that!
0:35:26 > 0:35:30It doesn't matter who's doing it, it's what it represents.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33The original Morris dancers were like the bad boys.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36They were courageous figures.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39You take the maypole, it's brilliant.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41I love maypole dancing.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44It's like swingball, but instead of a ball they use villagers.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46LAUGHTER
0:35:46 > 0:35:47I love it.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50In England, there's something real about it
0:35:50 > 0:35:54and it doesn't have all that plasticness of the 21st century.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Yeah!- Thanks.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59- And also...- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:35:59 > 0:36:02Some Morris dancers have clearly got in.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06I don't like it. If I hear jingling, I'm coming up there.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09I really, really disagree with you, Ross.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12I think you have this image of folk dancing
0:36:12 > 0:36:17as something that's frozen and doesn't change and doesn't evolve.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20But in fact, it can be modernised.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I'll give you a fabulous example, this might change your mind.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25I'd ask you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:36:25 > 0:36:29to welcome the sensational Time Gentlemen Please Dancers.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:52 > 0:36:55SHE BEATBOXES
0:37:15 > 0:37:19APPLAUSE
0:37:26 > 0:37:30I rest my case.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34The whole time I was sat there I was just ready for one of them
0:37:34 > 0:37:36to drag me up,
0:37:36 > 0:37:39"Hey, come on, join in".
0:37:39 > 0:37:41And then sell me some local produce.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43LAUGHTER
0:37:43 > 0:37:48I am not going to put folk-dancing into Room 101. Over my dead body.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51I'm a bit torn with the other two.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54Go on, give it to your mum again.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57You're right.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00You're right, I'll go with my mum and put mornings into Room 101.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02APPLAUSE
0:38:14 > 0:38:16And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Well done, Jamelia, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,
0:38:19 > 0:38:21and you are the winner.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24APPLAUSE
0:38:25 > 0:38:28And as winner, you get to put one choice unchallenged into Room 101.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30What will that be?
0:38:30 > 0:38:34I would like to put in silent letters.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36I don't get the point of them.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39My daughter, she's five, and I'm teaching her spelling,
0:38:39 > 0:38:41and...knee.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45"Mummy, why is there a K? Why is it not ker-nee?"
0:38:45 > 0:38:47It would make life a lot easier for me
0:38:47 > 0:38:50if silent letters would go into Room 101.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52OK.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54It's the sort of thing you find in text speak,
0:38:54 > 0:38:56- the loss of silent letters.- True.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00Anyway, in it goes!
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Thank you very much, Ross, Jamelia and Germaine.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09And thank you. Goodnight!
0:39:09 > 0:39:11APPLAUSE
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd