0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello. I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40the show where three guests will be vying to have their pet hates
0:00:40 > 0:00:46and peeves forever consigned to the dark, desolate wasteland that is Room 101.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53but there's only enough space in the Room for one of them at a time. In other words,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I have to choose what I think is the worst from every category,
0:00:56 > 0:01:01and I've been practising this, looking at categories and trying to decide what is the worst one.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Let's try one for an example.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16That's too obvious, isn't it? So let's meet the guests.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Joining me tonight are man of a thousand voices,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Alistair McGowan, from Dragon's Den, Hilary Devey
0:01:21 > 0:01:25and American crooner and heartthrob, Josh Groban.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:36So, would you say that you're negative people?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Do you know, 20 years ago I used to watch One Foot In The Grave
0:01:39 > 0:01:43and watch Victor Meldrew and I used to think, I am never going to be like that.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46And now, every day I'm looking out of my window going,
0:01:46 > 0:01:51"How dare you drop that piece of litter out there, you disgraceful child!"
0:01:53 > 0:01:56OK, anyway, let's begin. Let's have our first category.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05People. We'll start with a nice broad one, shall we?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09So let's find out what kind of people wind up Alistair.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17No!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Children.- What?!
0:02:20 > 0:02:21- Children.- What?!
0:02:26 > 0:02:30I'm sorry, children used to be seen but not heard, and now they're seen,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33they're heard, they're bowed down to, they're pampered,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36they're driven to school, they're driven here,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38they're driven everywhere. And, you know,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41they've just taken all the power. Everybody bows down to them,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45they've become like little gods to their parents.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And also, on this planet, we've just heard this year
0:02:47 > 0:02:50that we've got seven billion people in our population.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55We can't sustain it and I think there should be a moratoria on children.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59APPLAUSE
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Are you suggesting some sort of cull?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- I wouldn't put it that...yes.- OK.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12It's just the way that, you know, children,
0:03:12 > 0:03:16they ruin every train journey you're on, there's always a screaming child.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20If you go out to a restaurant, chances are there's screaming children running around.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25You're sitting in your garden in the sun, three doors down there's children killing each other.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29But surely, surely children killing each other is your dream?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- They're only pretending, though, Frank.- Oh, I see.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38I don't know, isn't it kind of the parents that's the problem, though, from what you're saying?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41To a point, although when parents have children,
0:03:41 > 0:03:45I'm sure we all have friends who've done this, they say they want to have children,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49they're worried about when to have them. It becomes such a part of the relationship.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53When are they going to have it, have they gone too far? Is it too late?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Then the children come and they spend all their time moaning.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59The children are keeping them awake at night, or they're teething.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04Now they're going to school and he's worried about it, now he's being bullied, now he's bullyING.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Now we're worried about his A-levels, he's not working hard, or he's called a swot.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11He's gone to university, he's left us, we miss him.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13And you think, when...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15APPLAUSE
0:04:15 > 0:04:19When is it ever good? I don't see when the good time is.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23But children say the funniest things, Alistair.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And I tell you what, I for one can't forgive them for that.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:32They do say the funniest things and what I'm particularly proud of tonight
0:04:32 > 0:04:36is we're not going to show any examples of that at all.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Having said all this,
0:04:37 > 0:04:43my wife has just told me that we're expecting our third baby. So... APPLAUSE
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Thank you very much.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48She hasn't, actually.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I just said that to prove another point, which is that when people say
0:04:52 > 0:04:56on TV shows they're having a baby, everyone goes mad. You know what it's like, Frank,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00you slave away for years writing good material, all you've got to do
0:05:00 > 0:05:03is stand on stage, say, "We've just had a baby," and everyone goes nuts.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07But you've just made my audience applaud an imaginary baby, Alistair.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12- How do you think they feel? They won't trust you again. - They've probably realised that,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15in future, imaginary babies are the best sort of babies.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:18 > 0:05:21So let's see what kind of people wind Hilary up.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- I think you need to explain. - Well, it's football fans,
0:05:31 > 0:05:37i.e. scarves hanging out of car windows on motorways,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40because I think it provokes car rage.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45I think it provokes bad driving and I think it provokes violence.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- Violence?- Yes.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Are you anti scarf?
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- No.- You see, I'd say that football is one of the places
0:05:52 > 0:05:54where scarves are truly appreciated.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Yeah, and it's a game, not a religion.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59It's a very fine line, Hilary.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Are you all right with singing? Singing can be quite confrontational.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I'm OK with singing, I'm just not happy with some of the violence
0:06:07 > 0:06:10that's created by the memorabilia of football.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14You support Arsenal, don't you? Fool.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:22No.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I support a team called West Bromwich Albion, Hilary.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30- Oh, really?- Do you know anything about football in general?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Other than that there's a ball and a green field.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Well, West Brom are one of the top teams in England.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39They won the European Cup last year.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44- LAUGHTER - I think there's a lot of love and community now in the game.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- Do you?- Yeah. There's a very famous folk singer called Martin Carthy,
0:06:48 > 0:06:54and he said to me that football is one of the few places where singing,
0:06:54 > 0:06:58like community singing and folk singing, really still exists.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- Well, what about church?- Yeah, but they never make it up at church.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06There's very few improvised hymns going on in church.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08# Jes-u-us! Jes-u-us! #
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I mean they don't, no, they don't like it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15# You're supposed to be in Rome You're supposed... #
0:07:15 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:19We have a song at West Brom that goes
0:07:19 > 0:07:23# We will follow the Albion over land and sea - and water! #
0:07:23 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Which I've never really got to the bottom of, to be honest.
0:07:32 > 0:07:38Anyway, let's find out what Josh - what kind of people wind Josh up.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:48 > 0:07:52I have to say, Josh, I'm really hoping it isn't
0:07:52 > 0:07:57those hairy kids that you get in South America.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- No, it's not the wolf boys, no, it's not them.- Oh, OK.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05I have a real problem with pet owners who dress up and take care
0:08:05 > 0:08:08of their pets as if they're little children or little people.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I think that sometimes it gets a little out of control.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Look, I love animals, I love my dog very, very much,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19but I think there are times when I think it just makes
0:08:19 > 0:08:22the animal really, you know, hate life. And...
0:08:22 > 0:08:27And so that's when I think shame on that person, yeah.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Really?- I think shame on you. - OK, then.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33I've got two little baby Yorkies. You know, if I send them out
0:08:33 > 0:08:36without their polo neck sweaters on in this winter,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39they'd freeze to death, they'd die of pneumonia.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44It's not the sweater in the winter I have a problem with. It's the high-heeled shoes you put on them.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46It's the costumes, it's the...
0:08:46 > 0:08:51You know, I tried to put like a reindeer antler on my dog once
0:08:51 > 0:08:54for Christmas and he like, he had, I had a second and a half
0:08:54 > 0:08:59of picture-taking opportunity and then he just slapped it off his head
0:08:59 > 0:09:01and gave me the stink-eye.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- You're obviously a dog enthusiast, Hilary.- Yeah.
0:09:05 > 0:09:11Would you, or indeed any of our panel, be able to identify this?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15It's a doggie cupcake that's only part of the story. Any idea?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Is it like a car freshener for a dog?- It's...
0:09:18 > 0:09:22You're along the right lines. These - what you do...
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Well, I'll show you one actually fitted. We have a picture, I think.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Oh, no! - LAUGHTER
0:09:32 > 0:09:37What I'm really worried about there is I'm worried about the thumb.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- How redundant.- Now, I would not put that on my Yorkies.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Now, this is from a company called Rear Gear.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I don't know if I dare read this out,
0:09:52 > 0:09:57but it says underneath - their slogan is "No more Mr Brown Eye."
0:09:57 > 0:10:00AUDIENCE GROANS
0:10:00 > 0:10:02It's just not right, is it?
0:10:02 > 0:10:08And the idea is that people find that part of the animal thing a bit offensive.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Well, I must say, I'm not really with you on this.
0:10:11 > 0:10:17I love, I think animals dressed up is a really funny thing.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21This bulldog looks to me like he absolutely loves being dressed up.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- He's merely a sidekick. I mean, come on. - LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Now, I would say this cat looks less happy.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44That's what the dog is thinking. They're just made with smiles.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I think this is a really stylish dog.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50This is a dog in a suit and tie, right?
0:10:50 > 0:10:51But not a comedy.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55He's not funny, he looks great.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- He's downright handsome.- He does.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- I would dine out with that dog. - Yeah.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I like how he's kind of got the relaxed tie a little bit.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- He's ready for a loose evening with a cognac.- He can do informal.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Absolutely.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- I think it might be Michael Buble's dog.- I think he's great.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Speaking of dogs eating, what about this?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22This is the best bit of dog dining I've seen.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24JOLLY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
0:11:42 > 0:11:44APPLAUSE
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Brilliant.
0:11:49 > 0:11:55I don't want to overload you with clips, but can I show you my favourite ever YouTube clip?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57This is, well, I'm not even going to say what it is.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- This is just my favourite YouTube clip.- OK.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I love you.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03"I love you."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I love you.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- MAKES NOISE - I love YOU. I love you.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"I love you."
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Good girl.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17HOWLS
0:12:17 > 0:12:19APPLAUSE
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Finally, a scream of anguish at the end, you know.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I like it when he, when he can't quite do them.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30When she's going "I love you" and it goes "Uhhh-ug".
0:12:30 > 0:12:35We've all had that. You try and say I love you and you can't get it out.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- You can't get it out.- It sticks in the throat.- That's true. - "I lo-o....uh."
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Well, I think the time has come for me to decide
0:12:43 > 0:12:46what's going to go into the Room 101 for this category.
0:12:46 > 0:12:52Hmm, I have to say that my first port of call
0:12:52 > 0:12:55is I can't possibly let dogs treated as humans go in.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- It's one of my favourite things.- It's a joy for you.
0:12:58 > 0:13:04Hilary, no, I can't put football fans and all that into Room 101,
0:13:04 > 0:13:05I'm sorry about that.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08And I can't believe I'm in a position
0:13:08 > 0:13:13where I'm going to end up giving in to a man who wants to put children into Room 101,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15but Alistair wins this one.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:18 > 0:13:20HE MOUTHS
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Anyway, let's move on to the next category.
0:13:35 > 0:13:41Going Out. So, Hilary, let's find out what you hate about going out.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46I'm really hoping it's not Native American communication systems.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Let's see.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- I want to ban the ban.- You want to ban the smoking ban?- Yes.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Well, you go out, you go to a function on Park Lane,
0:13:59 > 0:14:03the Grosvenor or whatever, and all of a sudden half the room empties,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05and you think where have they all gone?
0:14:05 > 0:14:10And they're all on Park Lane in evening gowns and dickie bows and dinner jackets.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15So, I just think we look like a nation of rent boys and call girls.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20Yes. Well, I've had some terrible confusion with that, I must say.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24One thing I really like about the smoking ban,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28it's a great way to judge a pub, because you don't have to go in.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31And it's usually the dodgiest people are the smokers
0:14:31 > 0:14:34and there they are. It's like shops that put their stuff outside,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37you know, you're thinking, no, I'm not going in there.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I'll say one thing on you, I'm allergic to cats
0:14:43 > 0:14:47and if I have ever asked anyone to put the cat outside, cos I'm there,
0:14:47 > 0:14:51they get very, very angry and upset about it and won't do it.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55And what I do, I wait till the person's left the room and then I Scotchgard it.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59- LAUGHTER - It's so funny, Frank,
0:14:59 > 0:15:04I was married to a guy and he told me after we'd got married,
0:15:04 > 0:15:08and I love animals, I've got dogs in Marrakesh, where I've got a home,
0:15:08 > 0:15:13I've got dogs in Spain, where I've got a home, I've got dogs in the UK where I've got two homes...
0:15:13 > 0:15:17What you've got more than anything, Hilary, is homes.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- Yeah, I know.- It's a good job you don't keep pigeons,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22they'd be terribly confused.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:28 > 0:15:33He told me after we got married that he was allergic to animals.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34So, what did you do?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Well, we subsequently got divorced.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40What, on the strength of that?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Well, that and football, yeah.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45LAUGHTER
0:15:45 > 0:15:50Are all your choices based on your ex-husband, by any chance?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54OK, let's see what Alistair doesn't like about going out.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Children.- Children!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01The pint of beer.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Can I say, someone in the crowd actually gasped then.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Did you hear it?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10They were OK with children, but now you've gone too far.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12LAUGHTER
0:16:12 > 0:16:15No, this, you know, it's the ultimate symbol of Britishness.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19I'm sure that explains the gasps. It's the ultimate symbol of manhood.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23When you're 16, 17, you have your first pint of beer, you're a man.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26And then you remain a man for the rest of your life by drinking beer.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30And it tastes horrible, it smells horrible,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32it makes people who drink it taste and smell horrible.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37You know, people say they've got to have a pint to have a good time.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40We've all heard those people who come back and say,
0:16:40 > 0:16:44STOKE ACCENT: "Oh, we had a great night last night, went to 15 places
0:16:44 > 0:16:47"and had ten pints. I got legless. Legless.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51"I can't remember a thing about it." You know what Adrian Chiles is like.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55And you think, what sort of a night out is that,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- when you can't remember it? - But if you get rid of beer,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00how are ugly people going to have sex?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:10I don't know - I used to drink a lot of beer, and then I stopped drinking altogether,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13and one of the difficult things I found
0:17:13 > 0:17:16is I had to start restricting conversation
0:17:16 > 0:17:19to things that I knew something about.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:21 > 0:17:25And I found that very limiting, I must say.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30I remember being in Italy on holiday, and seeing these two blokes, you know, maybe 18, 19,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33having ice creams at 11 o'clock at night. Ice creams outdoors,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36and they were going on to have another ice cream somewhere else.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40You just think, I would quite fancy that sort of bar crawl,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42having an ice cream everywhere, but...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I'd love to go down the ice cream pub, that'd be great.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50- "What's happening tonight?" "It's the yard of vanilla competition." - LAUGHTER
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Do they still sell mild beer? - They do, yes.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Because, as a kid, it was my job when I was clearing up at night,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03helping in the pub when my mum and dad had pulled the shutters down
0:18:03 > 0:18:05and finished serving,
0:18:05 > 0:18:10"Is there any barley wine there cos I'll pour it in the mild beer?"
0:18:10 > 0:18:13And he got a massive fan club for his mild beer
0:18:13 > 0:18:15because they thought it was so strong.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20Well, no wonder it was so bloody strong. There was all the slops of the wine, the spirits,
0:18:20 > 0:18:21everything went in this mild beer.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Yeah, but I'm fine with that. I like to think you pioneered recycling.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30What about the drowning your sorrows thing? I remember doing that -
0:18:30 > 0:18:32split up with your girlfriend, go to the pub,
0:18:32 > 0:18:36you sit at the end and drink about seven or eight pints on your own, staring into your beer glass.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- And feel a lot better?- Well...
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Wake up the next morning and she's still gone.- She is still gone,
0:18:42 > 0:18:47but imagine being at the end of the bar on your ninth tub of ice cream.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Or, you're in Starbucks,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58and you're drowning your sorrows at the end on espresso
0:18:58 > 0:19:01and someone says, "I hear your girlfriend left you, Frank."
0:19:01 > 0:19:06"Yeah, she did! And, I'm very unhappy about it!"
0:19:06 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER
0:19:09 > 0:19:13We have a classic beer advert.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17See if you can spot any famous faces in this.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Hey, absent friends.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Absent from some other place.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Because this place, it was such a wow.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26What a nice place!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29DANCE MUSIC
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Like they say, what goes around comes around, hey?
0:19:37 > 0:19:38APPLAUSE
0:19:38 > 0:19:41You!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I had forgotten about that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- That was Alistair, in case you didn't spot him.- With hair.
0:19:47 > 0:19:52- Advertising how great beer is on the television.- We all change.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55It's the mark of a man that he can change.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Anyway, let's find out what Josh doesn't like about going out.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09You don't like Isambard Kingdom Brunel?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Yeah, I'm a little bit turned off by the whole kind of exclusive
0:20:14 > 0:20:18ten guys in the front with black gloves, bodyguard, bouncer,
0:20:18 > 0:20:19night club experience.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Oh.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25I've found it to become annoying for a lot of different reasons.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I don't like how I feel when I'm trying to get in,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I don't like how I feel when I'm inside.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I think everybody else is having a better time than me.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37I'm a terrible dancer, it's just altogether anxiety-inducing for me.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- I'm a terrible dancer.- Are you?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I think it's good for terrible dancers.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Really?- Because it's quite dark and crowded in there.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48The top of me dances quite well, the legs are all over the place.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52You should go to foam parties, you can dance as badly as you like
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- and no-one knows.- Really? Oh. - You just whip up a lather there.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58You see, I've got to get in first. I always have trouble getting in.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01You see, there is something about my face
0:21:01 > 0:21:03that makes bouncers say, "No, thank you."
0:21:03 > 0:21:07I'll watch, you know, the latest cast-off from Big Brother
0:21:07 > 0:21:10walk in with 20 of his friends, no problem, and I'll show up
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and be like, "Hey, I just played the arena down the street,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16"it's just me, can I come in and sit by the bar and have a drink?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"A round of drinks for everybody."
0:21:18 > 0:21:21And they say, "You should stop touching me now."
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I'm like, "Oh, OK. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It just feels like more pain than it's worth.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Can I ask how old you are, Josh? - I'm 30 years old.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Do you think it's just because you're getting a little old?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35This has happened my entire life. This happened when I had a fake ID.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Yes.- I remember getting to a point
0:21:38 > 0:21:41where I thought, "I am getting too old now for night clubs."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I found that I'd started to clap along with the music.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52And I thought, no, no, I really have to stop coming.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56But when you're in a nightclub and they put a floor-filler on...
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Do you know what a floor-filler is? - A dance song that gets everybody going?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03A floor-filler in England is a piece of music.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- In America, it's a person.- Oh.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- True.- But it's one that everybody loves and they go out
0:22:11 > 0:22:14and the whole place, it really is that community spirit thing.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18But the floor-fillers have changed since the classic days.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21It used to be like # Everybody dance now. #
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Everybody was like, "It's time for me to dance."
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Now it's Enrique Iglesias saying, "I'm having sex with you tonight."
0:22:28 > 0:22:32You should stop hanging around with Enrique Iglesias.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:38There used to be a TV show on in the UK, late night, called, The Hitman And Her.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41And it was Pete Waterman. Do you know who that is?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- He worked a lot with Kylie Minogue. - Yeah, yeah.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48And he used to visit nightclubs, do you remember this show? It was all over the country,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51and it wasn't a great advert for nightclubs, I must say.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55We're in Halifax having a belter of a time!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Hello, I'm Ghostbuster.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I'd like to welcome you to Halifax, to the Coliseum.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12It's a very special nightclub to me, because it's the nightclub that
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I got noticed on The Hitman and Her on the Showing Out competition.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17It's brought me very many happy memories
0:23:17 > 0:23:21and I'm enjoying my dancing. So keep dancing and enjoy it. Thank you.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23APPLAUSE
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I've been sitting here thinking, where's that club? Those are my people!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37OK, so let me see. Well, I can't put nightclubs in, Josh,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I mean, I know you've had bad times there,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42but so many people have such great, great times there.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Now that you've shown me that nightclub,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I've changed my whole view of them.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I knew that would win you over.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53And, Alistair, although you argued your case very, very well,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I have such happy memories of beer
0:23:55 > 0:24:00and I still hope that in later life I'll be able to return there.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And I see it as something to fall back on, and indeed forward.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06But, Hilary, I have to say,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09you argued the smoking ban very well and maybe
0:24:09 > 0:24:14it's about time that we did all just lighten up and light up, indeed.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19So, yes, so I'm going to put the smoking ban in Room 101.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21APPLAUSE WITH SOME BOOING
0:24:29 > 0:24:32And now a slight change of mood
0:24:32 > 0:24:34as we're going to go to the audience
0:24:34 > 0:24:37in a little section we call Audience Choice.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48Is there a Nicky Lamb in the audience? Where's Nicky Lamb?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- There you are, Nicky, hello.- Hi.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52What would you like to put in Room 101?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I'd like to put in people that call you "mate"
0:24:55 > 0:24:58and you'd never met them before ever.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Oh, really? What would you like them to call you?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Anything but that.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06- Really? - LAUGHTER
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Seems to me, Nicky, you're immensely broadminded.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- "Darling" and "sweetheart" doesn't do it, either.- Oh.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17So, who has called you "mate" in your past?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Well, we work in a bar in Essex, which is the one place...
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- When you say "we", who do you mean?- My husband and me.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29I love it that you automatically speak "we" like that, even though we'd never even met your husband.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- What's your name, mate?- Peter. - LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:35APPLAUSE
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- You see, Peter's absolutely fine with it. - LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:45What kind of terms of endearment do you favour, um, Nicky?
0:25:45 > 0:25:50You see, that's the great advantage of "mate" - you forget someone's name, you're straight in there.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Not everyone has a list with people's names on.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56What would you call people as a term of endearment?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- That's just it, your name. That's nice.- But you don't always know people's names.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04That's true, yeah. You've caught me now.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- I feel Nicky slightly folded. - LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Well, I don't think people should be calling a glamorous woman like yourself "mate",
0:26:12 > 0:26:14so I'm going to say that
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Nicky gets people who call you "mate" into Room 101.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Thank you. APPLAUSE
0:26:26 > 0:26:29OK, we come now to that which we call...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37The Wildcard Round, because we don't want to keep
0:26:37 > 0:26:40narrowing your hatred and the things that you don't like.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42We want to give you a completely wide open field.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45You can pick the thing that really gets your goat.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Hilary has chosen this.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- It's Valentine's Day. - Valentine's Day.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- I hate Valentine's Day. - Really?- Hmm.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Well, we don't even know if there was a Saint Valentine, do we?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08No, but does it matter now? Just, it's a lovely way, isn't it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Well, yes, it does, because why should you have to wait for that day
0:27:11 > 0:27:15to receive a card or a bouquet of flowers? Why?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18You don't have to, but I find when you're in a long-term relationship,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21it's good to have... It's like mistletoe,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23at least once a year you want to kind of touch base.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Otherwise, it can go three, four, five years
0:27:28 > 0:27:31and you realise there's been no contact at all.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33It could have something to do with the fact
0:27:33 > 0:27:36that I've never sent or received a Valentine's card.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40- You have never received... I don't believe that!- Oh, Hilary.- No.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Well, I see, so it's based
0:27:42 > 0:27:45not so much on dislike as profound bitterness.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I have this thing if I write a card,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I suppose because I'm a professional comic,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56if I write a card or I sign someone's plaster-cast,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59or I write in a visitor's book,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I always feel incredible pressure
0:28:01 > 0:28:04to write something absolutely brilliant and hilarious,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06and I just can't do it.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09And I end up... In a visitor's book I once wrote,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11"I can't think of anything funny."
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I actually wrote that, and signed it "Ricky Gervais."
0:28:14 > 0:28:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:23We've got some
0:28:23 > 0:28:27beautiful things here for Valentine's Day gifts.
0:28:27 > 0:28:33I like this - you can get a Be My Valentine dishcloth.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Isn't that one of the most romantic things you've ever seen?
0:28:38 > 0:28:43- And I think my own personal favourite...- Do you know, I'd have been quite happy with that!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45What about this, Hilary?
0:28:48 > 0:28:50How about that, the love iron?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- I'd have loved it.- Yeah. - I'd have loved it.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55It's great for getting in the corners.
0:28:55 > 0:28:56LAUGHTER
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Here's a gift - this is one of the most intimate,
0:28:59 > 0:29:03loving gifts, I think you could ever have.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06This is what they call The Lovers' Toilet.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Oh, no!
0:29:08 > 0:29:11LAUGHTER
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Now, there is a kind of a modesty wall between,
0:29:13 > 0:29:17but the fact that you can sit and chat...
0:29:17 > 0:29:21I mean, I would like that to be a bit wider in the middle,
0:29:21 > 0:29:23maybe room for a cribbage board.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Let's find out what Alistair has chosen as a wildcard.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37The tattoo.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40When I was a kid growing up in the Vale of Evesham in the 1970s,
0:29:40 > 0:29:44nobody really had tattoos except people who worked on fairgrounds,
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Popeye and this bloke from Redditch that everyone kept away from.
0:29:48 > 0:29:53Now, thanks to one man, they've become really fashionable,
0:29:53 > 0:29:55and that man, sadly, is my old mate, David Beckham,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58who had so many tattoos and then everyone said, "Oh, you know,
0:29:58 > 0:30:01"we want to be like David. As we can't play football very well
0:30:01 > 0:30:05"and can't marry a beautiful lady, we'll have tattoos all over us."
0:30:05 > 0:30:08And, I think they're utterly, utterly hideous.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Well, we should have a look at David Beckham, since you've mentioned it.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15You see, I think they are beautiful.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18But Beckham is a beautiful man with a fabulous body.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Why does he need to spoil it by putting all that stuff on it?
0:30:21 > 0:30:25Well, is he spoiling or is he enhancing?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28There are practical purposes, I should say, for tattoos.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32One of my favourites - have you seen the mock stockings?
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Mockings, I think they call them, where they tattoo,
0:30:35 > 0:30:38I think we have a picture of a lady with tattooed legs.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42No, but doesn't that - I think that looks brilliant.
0:30:42 > 0:30:46I've actually had some swimming trunks tattooed on.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48And I've been to the baths four or five times
0:30:48 > 0:30:51and no-one's picked up on it yet.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56I've had a couple of sideways looks from a lifeguard,
0:30:56 > 0:31:01- and sideways looks are the ones that are going to spot it eventually. - LAUGHTER
0:31:01 > 0:31:06I'm going to show you a few tattoos which I think are a defence.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Really classy.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10This is an EastEnders fan,
0:31:10 > 0:31:12and I think this is a really good piece of art.
0:31:15 > 0:31:19That's Pam St Clement, but that is a very good likeness, you...
0:31:19 > 0:31:21He just looks like he's been Butchered, to me.
0:31:21 > 0:31:22Butchered?!
0:31:22 > 0:31:25LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Yeah, that is the forearm of this lady,
0:31:28 > 0:31:31who brilliantly also has a Pam St Clement face.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33LAUGHTER
0:31:33 > 0:31:36- I have a fan who has one of those of me on her arm.- Of you?
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Yeah. I saw it backstage at a TV show, she showed, rolled up her arm
0:31:39 > 0:31:42and showed me, like a pencil sketching of my face on her arm.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46All I could think of, because you've got to say something nice,
0:31:46 > 0:31:47because it's permanent,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50all I could think of was, if I decide to stop singing or retire,
0:31:50 > 0:31:53what facial hair could she put on it to make it someone else.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Like a moustache or something.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59But then she made me sign it and she tattooed the signature too.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02And that tattoo is the constant whiplash
0:32:02 > 0:32:05of continuing to have a career, so that her tattoo in America
0:32:05 > 0:32:07- can continue to be relevant.- Right.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10- It's like a modern Dorian Gray. - Yeah, pretty much.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12That's a beautiful motivation.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15If I dated her, I would have to look lovingly into my own eyes.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19It would be terrifying.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21That is my IDEAL woman.
0:32:21 > 0:32:22Right, yeah, right.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Here's something, Alistair McGowan,
0:32:25 > 0:32:28that I think might just change your mind.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30This is Danny Walker.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32APPLAUSE
0:32:42 > 0:32:46- Danny.- How do you do?- You're looking great.- Thank you very much.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50Now, I'm just examining your face -
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- I hope you don't mind me staring. - No. Everyone does.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- And you've got a car on your forehead.- Yeah.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58And I think I can see a spider-web.
0:32:58 > 0:33:03Spider-web there and cars all round the back, lorries all the way round.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06- Can you come a bit closer?- Yeah.
0:33:06 > 0:33:11- Have a look at the one on the top. - God, why have you done that?
0:33:11 > 0:33:13LAUGHTER
0:33:13 > 0:33:17The most amazing thing about Danny is, lift your shirt up.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Yeah, Danny didn't bother with the torso.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25He went straight for the head.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28But I think it looks really impressive.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Alistair, have I won you over?
0:33:30 > 0:33:33- No. I'm sorry, Danny. - I'm sorry. I thought
0:33:33 > 0:33:40you'd win him over, Danny, but obviously you can talk till you're blue in the... Well, anyway.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45- Thanks a lot for coming on, though. You look great. What about a big hand for Danny?- Thanks very much.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48APPLAUSE
0:33:48 > 0:33:52Let's find out what Josh has chosen as his wildcard.
0:33:58 > 0:33:59Ah...
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Um, I, er...
0:34:02 > 0:34:05- Auto-tune.- Auto-tune!
0:34:05 > 0:34:07- Yeah.- I get you.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11So, now in case people here don't know what auto-tuning is,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14can you just briefly explain what it is?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17It's kind of an engineering term for when somebody can't sing,
0:34:17 > 0:34:19either live or in the studio, they're able to put
0:34:19 > 0:34:23their voice through a computer and basically with one push of a button,
0:34:23 > 0:34:26it puts all of the notes they were trying to hit out of the speakers,
0:34:26 > 0:34:29and they can essentially sing even if they can't sing.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31And it's cheating, it's cheating.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34I've got good eyesight, I don't see why you should wear glasses.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36LAUGHTER
0:34:36 > 0:34:40I think it's a bit like asking a painter to paint by numbers.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44And it used to be that people knew what auto-tunes sounded like,
0:34:44 > 0:34:47they would hear, you know, T-Pain or they would hear,
0:34:47 > 0:34:52Cher - Cher was trying to sound auto-tune, that's part of the track.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Well, let's listen. This is the first example I'd heard of auto-tune
0:34:55 > 0:34:57when it goes...
0:34:57 > 0:35:03# Do you believe in life after love? VOCALS ECHO
0:35:03 > 0:35:07# I can feel something inside me say... #
0:35:07 > 0:35:10I love that - it's a sort of Lady Gargle.
0:35:10 > 0:35:11LAUGHTER
0:35:11 > 0:35:15I really like it too. When you're doing it on purpose for an effect -
0:35:15 > 0:35:17I'm not a prude, I love electronic music
0:35:17 > 0:35:19and when you do it like that it's really cool-sounding.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21It's when people are doing it sneakily,
0:35:21 > 0:35:25when you think they're singing well and they actually aren't.
0:35:25 > 0:35:30Isn't it democracy though, Josh? It's all right for you, God has gifted you with a good voice.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32What about someone like me?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34It doesn't work for classical singing,
0:35:34 > 0:35:35which is probably for my benefit
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- because I've got a big vibrato... - I've heard that!- Yeah!
0:35:38 > 0:35:41- LAUGHTER - It's huge.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45And it kind of just sounds too weird when I do it, it kind of...
0:35:45 > 0:35:46- HE WARBLES - It's like that.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48Do you know who Katie Price is?
0:35:48 > 0:35:51Yes I do, as a matter of fact, yes.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Yes, she is probably our most beautiful lady.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56- Formerly... - LAUGHTER
0:35:56 > 0:35:59- Oh, I meant that. - Didn't she have another name?
0:35:59 > 0:36:02- She did, but we don't mention that any more.- Oh, OK.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05- That's when she was a bit common. - Got you!
0:36:05 > 0:36:08And she has been accused of using auto-tune,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11not in that sort of electric way, like T-Pain,
0:36:11 > 0:36:14but just to make her sound like she can sing.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I'm not saying it's true, but this is a little bit
0:36:17 > 0:36:21- of Katie Price maybe singing, maybe being helped a little bit. - All right.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24# I'm not just anybody
0:36:24 > 0:36:28# Cos anybody couldn't love you like this
0:36:28 > 0:36:32# I know that everybody that feels it like me
0:36:32 > 0:36:34# Would love you like this... #
0:36:34 > 0:36:37OK, now it sounds beautiful, it could be her,
0:36:37 > 0:36:39but there is one bit of this video
0:36:39 > 0:36:44which I don't think it does sound like it is her, see what you think.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48DOG SAYS "I LOVE YOU"
0:36:48 > 0:36:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:59 > 0:37:05I agree that auto-tune can make untalented people sound talented, which seems wrong.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08But then, if you auto-tune people who are quite talented,
0:37:08 > 0:37:11you can really get something pretty amazing.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15God gave you one of these and two of these - use them wisely.
0:37:15 > 0:37:20- AUTO-TUNED:- Years and years and years - too many years to mention that I used to make them.
0:37:20 > 0:37:2325 years ago, I did it.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26I know the scams they get up to to earn that commission.
0:37:26 > 0:37:32The beast doesn't change. When that beast is hungry, it wants feeding.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34I'm out!
0:37:34 > 0:37:35APPLAUSE
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Excellent.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47OK, well, we've come to the end of that category
0:37:47 > 0:37:48and I was very unsure -
0:37:48 > 0:37:52I thought Valentine's Day was argued very well,
0:37:52 > 0:37:55as was tattoos, but I have to put auto-tune into Room 101.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58All right.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00APPLAUSE
0:38:07 > 0:38:08That brings us to the end of the show
0:38:08 > 0:38:11and although you've all done brilliantly well,
0:38:11 > 0:38:14I must say, Alistair, you were tonight's most persuasive guest
0:38:14 > 0:38:16and thus this week's winner.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19APPLAUSE
0:38:23 > 0:38:26So, as tonight's winner, you get to choose
0:38:26 > 0:38:29one completely unchallenged thing to go into Room 101.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32OK. It is then, these.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36In a world where you can have 10,000 songs on an iPod
0:38:36 > 0:38:40and someone can invent that, why can't they invent some ear phones
0:38:40 > 0:38:43that people can put in so the person who wants to hear the music can
0:38:43 > 0:38:46and those that don't, don't?
0:38:46 > 0:38:47Well, yes.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49APPLAUSE
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Well, congratulations, Alistair,
0:38:53 > 0:38:55and of course those little ear phones
0:38:55 > 0:38:57go straight into Room 101.
0:38:57 > 0:38:58APPLAUSE
0:39:01 > 0:39:05Well, thank you very much, Alistair, Josh and Hilary, and goodnight.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd