0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:42the show in which three guests battle to get the things they hate
0:00:42 > 0:00:43into the dreaded Room 101.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Our guest choices have been sorted into categories and in each round,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51only one item can be chosen, the final decision is mine.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52So, let's meet the guests.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Joining me tonight are
0:00:53 > 0:00:56comedian Rhod Gilbert, The Apprentice's Nick Hewer
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and the reigning "Rear Of The Year", Carol Vorderman.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09OK, can we have the first category, please?
0:01:13 > 0:01:14It's Travel.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And I'd like to know
0:01:16 > 0:01:18what Carol Vorderman hates about travel.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Wait for it.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Look at that.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Look at that!
0:01:29 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:33 > 0:01:35That is a brilliant prop, I love that.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38When the props are getting applause, what a night it is.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39It's fantastic.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42There are three things, apparently,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46that you need to spend three quarters of your time doing
0:01:46 > 0:01:47while you're camping.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50One of them is keeping dry,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52the other is keeping clean,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54and the other is going to the toilet.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And all three are quite difficult.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02I went on the internet and there is advice that says what you should do.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Get a dustpan and brush and sweep all the bugs up
0:02:04 > 0:02:09every morning from inside your tent and also after every meal.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11This is meant to be a holiday.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- There is a special device for insects, though.- Which is what?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You must have seen one of these.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER
0:02:19 > 0:02:23I can spend hours killing insects with one of these, it's fabulous.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25But it's not just insects, Frank.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28On this website, this woman said, "Oh, we had a hilarious time.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32"We went camping to the New Forest," she said,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35"and the tent smelled of fish for two weeks."
0:02:35 > 0:02:39And she said, "Nobody knew what it was and I cleaned everything,
0:02:39 > 0:02:45"until we picked the tent up and beneath were two squashed toads."
0:02:45 > 0:02:48They'd been living on top of two squashed... This is camping,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51this is a holiday, camping is wrong.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Never do it, it should go immediately into Room 101.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Do not subject any other children to going camping.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I camped for four days in Oxfordshire two years ago,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and I didn't wash, I didn't change my clothes.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I loved it, I felt I was released from the tyranny of hygiene.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's like being on the school holidays again,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14same pants for weeks.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16How are you at putting up a tent?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Er, miserable, generally.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I've got just the thing.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24This is... Have you seen these? These are the future.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- Oh, yeah.- These are absolutely... This is amaz...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I used to hate putting up tents.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I went on a holiday once with six very drunken mates
0:03:33 > 0:03:37and we just got the tent out and we lay under it like a duvet.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Come on, Carol, help me out. You've got it. Right?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Take the strap off.- Yeah. - I'm getting excited already.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47You seen one of these, Nick?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Yeah, I took one to Mongolia. - Oh, right. Here we go.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54LAUGHTER
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- No.- That's it.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Let me tell you, I took one of those and slept in the Gobi Desert.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08How do you knock your pegs into the Gobi Desert?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- No, it's all right. It's fine.- It's sand.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13No, no, it's scrub. Come on, Francis. Scrub.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Anyway, the point is...
0:04:15 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER ..it takes a second to release.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I bet you 500 quid you couldn't put that back in there in under 20.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- 500 quid?- Yeah, 500.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Neatly.- Hold the bag. Can you hold the bag, Carol?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Carol, hold the bag! - Neatly. Properly.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41It's got...
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- Hold the bag, Carol.- I'm holding it! - For God's sake, hold the bag!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Don't ever take me on a camping holiday.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Oh, God! Sudoku's a walk in the park compared to this!
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- That's 500 quid I owe you, Nick. - I'll take a cheque, Frank.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Rubbish.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Let me tell you, this camping's a dirty business, a nasty business.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05But for very young children, it must be preserved.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06- And not...- Why?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Because kids love the adventure. - I didn't.- No, they don't.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12LAUGHTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It's not an adventure. We used to go camping when I was a kid
0:05:15 > 0:05:18through the South of France for six ruddy weeks
0:05:18 > 0:05:20and me and my brother and my dad in one tent,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22and the only advice I've got is,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25if it looks like Lucozade, it's not always Lucozade.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:31OK, let's see what Rhod Gilbert doesn't like about travel.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:46 > 0:05:49This caravan represents all holidays, Frank.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Once they worked out how to do the rain,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55we thought we might as well cash in.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Holidays, Rhod. - Holidays, well, I've never had one
0:05:57 > 0:06:02that wasn't an absolute out and out unmitigated disaster.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Every single holiday has gone disastrously wrong,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08every single one. You name one I've had...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10You probably don't know 'em, I'll name 'em.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13My parents were teachers, school would break up, next day,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17instead of hanging around with my mates, off we'd go on holiday
0:06:17 > 0:06:18for six weeks, to the South of France
0:06:18 > 0:06:22in a stinking Hillman Avenger estate, with plastic seats,
0:06:22 > 0:06:26all day, terrible heat. I get terrible car sickness,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I vomited every single inch of the way around.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32By the time I got to the South of France, I was practically inside out.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I had what my mother called a receptacle,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38which is just a Tupperware box, and that's all, for six weeks.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40My brother had magnetic chess,
0:06:40 > 0:06:44my sister had her Etch-a-Sketch and a book. I used to be there with a Tupperware box,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47that I threw into and the level just rose like that for the whole time.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51And every single holiday, right up to the present day.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54This year, I've had earache for five days in the Caribbean,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I had a nervous breakdown in the Maldives.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Thanks for laughing at that more than the earache.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07- Well, I love holidays. - Do you?- I can't imagine anyone not liking them.- They're stressful.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Even if they don't go well, the joy of coming home.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- That's not the holiday, is it? - No, but even a bad holiday has that,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17you get in and the telly's had a chance to cool down.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21And you get that little rainbow film on the water in the toilet.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25This is you advocating holidays as your telly's had a chance to cool down.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30- No, this is the very worst aspects. - It's great when you get home and the plugs are a bit cooler
0:07:30 > 0:07:34than when you went away. Certainly changed my mind there(!)
0:07:34 > 0:07:37You'll get no sympathy out of me, a kid off to the South of France!
0:07:37 > 0:07:38We were going to Rhyl!
0:07:38 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:43The only people I knew as a child who'd been abroad
0:07:43 > 0:07:45had been involved in World War II.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49That's true. Let's see what Nick Hewer doesn't like about travel.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Am I going to get soaked again?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Right, this is a train manager.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- Oh, train manager.- Train manager. - We thought you said "rain manager".
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- A train manager. - Oh, what a let-down.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Now, the point of this is
0:08:11 > 0:08:16that we just get too much information all over the place.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19But I'm picking trains as a place
0:08:19 > 0:08:22which are particularly noisome places.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You get on and the first thing you hear is,
0:08:24 > 0:08:28"Good afternoon, I'm Barry, your train manager."
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Do I need to know his name?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Does he know my name? I mean, think about it.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37If there's a little problem,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39are we going to go shuffling off down the train, saying,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"Anybody seen Barry?"
0:08:41 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER We're going to say, "Where's the train manager?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48"The coach is on fire." Not, "Where's Barry?"
0:08:48 > 0:08:51He's a manager too, what happened to the guard?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54And from then on, it's a constant stream of information,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56most of which is absolutely unnecessary.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00He tells us where we are. We're at Euston.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04We know that, we've just got on his bloody train at Euston.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07And he tells us then where we're off to.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11We sort of have an idea about that, because that's where we want to go.
0:09:11 > 0:09:18He tells us where the buffet car is, who's running it... It's Suzie.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23Any sort of pastry you want, Suzie's got, newspapers, coffees,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26this, that and the other thing, and all the rest.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28By the time he's finished, we're in Watford.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- In Watford, we're told to take our luggage with us, yeah?- Why?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Because if you don't, we're going to blow it up,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and we're going to follow you and we're going to track you down
0:09:38 > 0:09:41and we'll Taser you and eventually shoot you.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44And furthermore, "Take care".
0:09:44 > 0:09:47What are we going to do, toss ourselves off the bloody train?!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I've had enough of it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:59I may be intolerant, but really, on balance, too much noise.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I have to say, I'm always glad of an announcement on a train,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06because if I'm on the phone to my girlfriend, it sort of proves
0:10:06 > 0:10:09that I'm on a train and not having an affair in a hotel somewhere.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Sometimes, if I am having an affair in a hotel, I'll begin by going...
0:10:15 > 0:10:16ANNOUNCEMENT CHIME
0:10:16 > 0:10:20And it's possible that I might leave some belongings behind
0:10:20 > 0:10:23if I didn't have that reminder,
0:10:23 > 0:10:28- and I like being thanked for using the train, it gives it a warmth. - Do you think he means it?- Yes.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Does he give a damn that you're going to come back?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33No, of course he doesn't.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I don't know, they always seems such nice fellows.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38They do little gags and stuff. It's cosy.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I know if I hadn't made it as a comic,
0:10:40 > 0:10:44I would have to seek out a tannoy, somewhere.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:49It's the lowest form of showbiz, the train manager.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51OK, well, you argue the case well.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Now, I think camping is one of the few chances that we get
0:10:55 > 0:10:57to get back to the soil and to the earth,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00and you have to join in, you have to be at one with the canvas.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05And lots of people in this audience don't have glamorous jobs like us,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07they're slogging away in an office.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10They dream of their holidays, that's all they've got left!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I actually like the train people.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16I like the train people as well, but I know what you mean,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18they can be a bit over the top, so it's a very close-run thing.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20But on this occasion, I'm going to go with Nick
0:11:20 > 0:11:25and I'm going to push train managers into Room 101.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Oh! - Thank you, thank you. Very good.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And so another category, please.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Ah, well, this is the Wildcard round,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50in which there is no restraints.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54You can choose anything, anything that you really, really don't like.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58So, what is Rhod Gilbert's wildcard?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Me. I'm putting myself in.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13- What?!- Ahh.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14APPLAUSE
0:12:14 > 0:12:20I don't want sympathy. Oh, thanks for the applause, there!
0:12:20 > 0:12:25I'm lazy, intolerant, stupid. I was in my house today,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27the place is disgusting.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28The house is disgusting,
0:12:28 > 0:12:32because I cannot be bothered to do anything, to lift a finger.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35The ceiling is coming down where somebody stood on it
0:12:35 > 0:12:37and went through it about three years ago.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Three windows are smashed.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42The carpet is...has got so many stains on it,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45it looks like a vet's operating table.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47The only thing I do around the house is, I will wash up,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51and the only reason I do that is because I had a mate in university
0:12:51 > 0:12:55who was even lazier than I was, and he really used to wind me up.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Like, once the bowls had gone,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01he'd be having cornflakes out of a saucepan, out of a frying pan.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02And I came home one day
0:13:02 > 0:13:05and he was having a glass of squash out of six egg cups.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And I thought, I never want to be like that,
0:13:09 > 0:13:13so I wash up, but that is the only thing that I do.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17If I put you into Room 101, right, so then you'd be gone.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22You'd be in there with people like Richard Madeley, twice, actually.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:27What would happen to this guy?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31So on Saturday, I went to the Lowry Theatre in Salford,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33to watch Rhod Gilbert.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37It was the best and funniest show I've ever, ever seen.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41And then after the show, I met Rhod Gilbert.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42That's pretty cool,
0:13:42 > 0:13:48and he signed my ticket and I am very, very happy about that.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I've now met the funniest guy,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53well, I think the funniest guy in the world.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I've met my two favourite guitarists...
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Oh, I've met Davina McCall once as well.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04LAUGHTER
0:14:04 > 0:14:08APPLAUSE
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Do you want to break his heart?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I feel a little bit bad now.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Quite right. - Having seen that, yeah.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- But we can't put you in Room 101. - Why not?- Well...
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You said before that you can put in anything, no restraints.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27OK. Yeah, but this is a comedy show, not a Swiss clinic.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Anyway, let's see what Carol Vorderman's Wildcard is.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Ugh!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Handbags.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49When my mum was growing up and when she was a young woman,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51she had about three handbags.
0:14:51 > 0:14:57I have six, which is quite a lot of handbags. They're all very old.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Now, when Sex In The City came along in the '90s, it kind of,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04well, it was basically just a great big advertising drama
0:15:04 > 0:15:06for the fashion industry.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10And suddenly, all these really expensive handbags
0:15:10 > 0:15:13started coming out and girls would say,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"I've got to have that bag, I've got to have that bag."
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Why? You don't need them, they look stupid.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23But they buy these bags that are about this big,
0:15:23 > 0:15:27they're about half the size of the woman, to go to lunch.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Why do you need a bag that big to go to lunch?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33There was Katie Holmes, married to Tom Cruise,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I really loathe all this big handbag thing.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37It's only in the last 15 years it's started.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40We have a picture of Katie Holmes with that very bag.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Oh, you'll see what I mean. Look at the size of that bag!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I think we know who's in there, don't we?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Frankly, it's small wonder there were bloody riots on Oxford Street
0:15:54 > 0:15:57when this sort of carry-on was going on.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Wow! Because of handbags?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:02 > 0:16:08- What's going on here, there's a handbag revolution?- No, it creates envy and jealousy.- It does.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09I think it's loathsome.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13I think handbags can actually prevent crime. Take a look at this.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Guys breaking into a jewellery store.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19No-one doing anything, too frightened.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'd be frightened myself. But what about this lady?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Here she comes. Straight from the grotto.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29She's got a big bag.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Quick, get on the scooter, get on... Quick, get on the scooter...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Oh!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:44 > 0:16:46That's brilliant.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50What do you think of this bag?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53This is the kind of bag that my girlfriend would use.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Yeah.- And can I just give this a demonstration?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59We can be in a public place, maybe at the theatre or the cinema,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02and she'll say to me, "I'm going to the toilet now,"
0:17:02 > 0:17:03and she'll hand me this.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- LAUGHTER - And people are looking at me, I can see them reaching
0:17:07 > 0:17:10for their camera phones, and I do that thing that blokes always do,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13when a woman leaves you with her handbag.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15You don't want to hold it like this
0:17:15 > 0:17:18because that suggests that you know how a handbag works.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23So, blokes tend to hold it like that.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I'm not really familiar with a handbag, generally speaking.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I've seen that, I've seen that.
0:17:29 > 0:17:35And the best of all, get it next to something really male.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Yeah. That's what I would go for.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42APPLAUSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I want to know what Nick Hewer's wildcard is.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50What have I got?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Um, EastEnders.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08There is one thing that I loathe and abhor about EastEnders,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and it's the aggression
0:18:11 > 0:18:15and the violence that seems to be threaded through every episode.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19And that violence over the years has drifted and leeched
0:18:19 > 0:18:22into the British consciousness, so that today,
0:18:22 > 0:18:26I think this country is worse for it,
0:18:26 > 0:18:30because I think there is a vein, a seam, of aggression in this country
0:18:30 > 0:18:35that I would attribute in no small measure to this little lot here.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37And let me tell you, as a sort of an example,
0:18:37 > 0:18:41I'm not blaming this particularly on EastEnders, but it's the sort of attitude.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46I was queuing for the security check at an airport recently,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50and there was a bloke in front of me who was reading the paper
0:18:50 > 0:18:54and the queue had moved on and created a sort of a space.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58And the bloke behind me said, "Oi, you, doughnut!"
0:18:58 > 0:19:00The bloke reading the paper looked up and said,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"You talking to me?!" Suddenly, I thought,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05"I'm going to be in the middle of an EastEnders brawl here."
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Why can't we be kinder to each other and more patient?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13And I think that EastEnders, God bless them,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16great actors, great stories, all the rest of it,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20just less of the violence, please, you're doing us harm.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25- It's hard to have a story where somebody kills without violence. - But there isn't a murder every week.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28It's hard to have a story where you blow a house up without blowing it up.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32But not every week. Frank, join me in this little message.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I'll be honest, I didn't know it was still on.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38In case anyone here has never watched EastEnders,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41which I know that's fairly unlikely, we have a montage to sort of,
0:19:41 > 0:19:45I think, point out some of the things you're talking about, Nick.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Oi! What do you think you're playing at?
0:19:49 > 0:19:54- Who are you calling scrubbers?! - You are nothing but low-life scum!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Oi!- Get off!- Oi, oi, oi!- Out! - Mind the baby, all right?!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- Get off me!- Argh! Watch out! Ow! Ow!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- You're not that tough now, are you? - Just get off me, you cow! - Get off her! Get off!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Argh! You've gone too far!
0:20:07 > 0:20:12- Argh! Come on then, if you think you're 'ard enough!- Oh, oh!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER
0:20:14 > 0:20:19You know that video was part of London's Olympic bid?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Also, it's loved by many people.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28We have some people visiting the set of EastEnders.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Look, the Mayor Of London.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Even Queen Victoria doesn't seem to like Boris Johnson.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- LAUGHTER - Which one is Boris Johnson?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:45OK, so that is the... that's the Wildcard round.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I have to say, it's a tricky one.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- I'm not going to put Rhod Gilbert in.- Come on. - Because if I put you in there,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55this'll just be, basically, an episode of Countdown.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Yes. Past and present.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02And I don't watch EastEnders, but I know it's loved by the masses
0:21:02 > 0:21:05and a lot of people have an affection for it.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06And I'm OK on handbags,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10but I suppose it can be an excessive example of capitalism,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13so, under duress, I'm going to put handbags into Room 101.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Yes! Yeah!
0:21:15 > 0:21:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:27 > 0:21:30OK, let's have our next category.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Modern Life. OK, here's Rhod's choice.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Is that you?
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Yeah, it is me.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55It looks like John Culshaw doing me.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58What, but he's out of shot, yeah?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It is advertising slogans.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10You don't like advertising slogans?! They're beautiful, aren't they?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It's more than advertising slogans themselves.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16It's the thought that it's somebody's job to come up with them.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18You get one go on this planet.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21One go on this weird spinning ball, in this weird universe,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25and nobody's meaningful contribution to this world should be
0:22:25 > 0:22:27a slogan for a Twix, should it?
0:22:28 > 0:22:33If you got an alien and you showed them a human being
0:22:33 > 0:22:36and you said, "Look at this, alien, this is a human being.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39"This is where we're at. This is where our species has arrived at.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42"That brain has evolved to have 100 billion brain cells
0:22:42 > 0:22:46"that are constantly transmitting and receiving electrochemical signals
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"that allow it to run and dance and play tennis
0:22:49 > 0:22:53"and compute and write poetry and go to the moon and imagine and dream."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56And the alien's going, "Whoa! This is amazing.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"That's incredible. What are you going to do with it?"
0:22:59 > 0:23:00"Well,
0:23:00 > 0:23:04"at the moment, he's working on a new catchphrase for the Coco Pops monkey."
0:23:04 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:11I can't see that that is a job that drags humanity down to a low ebb.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- It's a waste of human... - It's like poetry, isn't it?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It's a waste of human potential.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21- It's the modern poetry, the advertising slogan. It's beautiful. - No, poetry's the modern poetry.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25"Peugeot - the reality's even better than the dream." That's beautiful.
0:23:25 > 0:23:31- Is it?- Yeah. What about that one, "Taste The Rainbow - Skittles"?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"Ronseal - does what it says on the tin." Great(!)
0:23:35 > 0:23:37You've got the right tin. Brilliant(!)
0:23:37 > 0:23:4220 years, they've been using that. 20 years.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45All it means is the tin is accurately labelled. Good on you, Ronseal.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Because, I don't know about you, but I'm 43 years old,
0:23:48 > 0:23:53I have never once opened a tin of something to find something else in there.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Never once have I had the wrong thing in a tin.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Every single tin of everything I've ever had
0:23:58 > 0:24:01in any country in the world has had what it said on the tin in it.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Well, you're one of the lucky ones.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Here's an advert with a very fine slogan at the end,
0:24:11 > 0:24:15but also an unusual thing - the person doing the advert
0:24:15 > 0:24:19seems to take a bit of convincing themselves about the actual product.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Is this the powder of the future?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23They claim that new Ariel Future
0:24:23 > 0:24:27gives their best cleaning ever from the least powder ever.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Can you believe that? I find it difficult.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Smaller pack, smaller scoop,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33but better cleaning?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I wanted proof.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37We took 20 of the most difficult everyday stains
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- like makeup, gravy, clay. - And what about the other stains?
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Of the 20 stains, Ariel Future cleans significantly better on 14
0:24:46 > 0:24:48and just as well as Ariel Ultra on the rest.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I was looking for proof
0:24:50 > 0:24:53and I believe I may have seen the powder of the future.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55SHE LAUGHS
0:24:55 > 0:24:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- I love that.- Well...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05It was quite an interesting advert to do, that,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08because I was hosting Tomorrow's World at the same time
0:25:08 > 0:25:10and I got sacked. I did.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I got sacked from Tomorrow's World for doing that advert.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- What, for spilling the beans about the future of washing powder?- Yeah.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18It's a beautiful advert
0:25:18 > 0:25:21and I like the way you represent the thinking consumer.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24You're going out there, you're asking them, and that's important.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25That was the strapline.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29That took somebody about six years to come up with that strapline.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32It's ironic that it's been such a stain on your career.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34GROANING
0:25:34 > 0:25:36APPLAUSE
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Let's see what Carol doesn't like about modern life.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Facebook.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Do you know how many users worldwide there are on Facebook? I hate Facebook.
0:25:55 > 0:26:01800 million people use Facebook every single day.
0:26:01 > 0:26:07250 million pictures are put on Facebook every day.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11A quarter of a billion photographs are put up there. Why?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15To prove that you're having a better time than the next person.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20You've got to do your Facebook face. Everyone has to go like this.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25There was one woman who found her friend so annoying
0:26:25 > 0:26:28that she de-friended her,
0:26:28 > 0:26:30cos apparently, you can do this on Facebook.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34She de-friended her. Her friend was so upset, she set fire to her house.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40And finally, young people aged between 16-30
0:26:40 > 0:26:48would rather lose the sense of smell than lose their ability to Facebook.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Well, that's why that woman didn't know her house was on fire.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Facebook - it's a blight on modern-day living.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05I like the fact... Cos in this country, we're very, kind of, stuffy
0:27:05 > 0:27:06and we don't want to share.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10And on Facebook, it seems people are opening up and saying, this is me.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I find it very odd. I'm on Facebook. I don't USE it.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14I don't do anything with it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17And then I get dozens of people who want to be my friend.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21I don't know who they are. Why do they want to be my friend?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23They can push off.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28- I've got enough friends. I don't want any more friends.- That's certainly the Facebook spirit.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32There's no privacy any more. You can be tagged and you can be poked.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- Have you ever been poked? - Not recently.- No.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Neither have I.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Yeah, I don't know why you brought that up.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46OK, so, where were we? Modern Life.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48What doesn't Nick Hewer like about modern life?
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Frank, and what we have here is tracksuits.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59This is gym man.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03He hasn't just come from the gym and he's not going to the gym.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07But he wants people to think that he's sporty.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11The reality is, of course, that he's terribly comfy.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18He can walk down any high street
0:28:18 > 0:28:23making a lowing noise as he passes fast food outlets.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25And when he goes in and comes out
0:28:25 > 0:28:29and he does spill a bit of mustard down the front,
0:28:29 > 0:28:33it doesn't matter cos this outfit, rich in manmade fibres,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36can be tossed into the washing machine tonight
0:28:36 > 0:28:38and ready again tomorrow.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43It has an expandable waistband
0:28:43 > 0:28:47and you'll notice that the trainer laces are undone.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Fat feet.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Here we have him.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59I think you're underestimating the joy of elastication.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02I've always thought that
0:29:02 > 0:29:06if elastic was invented first, there'd be no buttons or zips,
0:29:06 > 0:29:08because it makes life so much easier.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10It's like the automatic gearbox.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14There would've been no manual gearbox if that had been invented first.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15Buttons and that are complicated.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18You've never wanted to put it into third
0:29:18 > 0:29:20and really put your foot down, Frank?
0:29:24 > 0:29:26What, a button?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28It's just something that offends me.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32- I'm not asking for huge support. - You argue it very well.
0:29:32 > 0:29:37- I have to say, I cannot go with advertising slogans.- Why not?
0:29:37 > 0:29:40I do think they are the poetry of the 21st century.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44And I understand that non-sporty people are slightly cheating by wearing sportswear,
0:29:44 > 0:29:48but I have a sympathy for their heaving carcasses.
0:29:48 > 0:29:53Whereas I think it's true that Facebook can cause all sorts of sinister things
0:29:53 > 0:29:58and sometimes stops people just talking to people.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01So I'm going to put Facebook into Room 101.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:14 > 0:30:17OK, let's have our next category.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Sport.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26What doesn't Carol Vorderman like about sport?
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Yes!
0:30:32 > 0:30:34APPLAUSE
0:30:34 > 0:30:38- I feel I don't actually need to say anything.- No.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41- Golf is not a sport.- Oh!
0:30:41 > 0:30:44That's why it has to go into Room 101.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48A sport, I would say, has spectators who can get excited
0:30:48 > 0:30:51about watching people doing whatever it is that they're doing
0:30:51 > 0:30:55and you get a thrill that rushes through you, going, "Yeah, that's fantastic!"
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Whether it's football, or rugby, or whatever it might be.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00That doesn't happen in golf. If you're a spectator -
0:31:00 > 0:31:05and I know because I was once taken to an event - you stand there
0:31:05 > 0:31:07in silence, like this,
0:31:07 > 0:31:09for 20 minutes.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Then somebody hits a ball over there.
0:31:11 > 0:31:17You can't see it against the grey sky, and then it lands over there.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19And you go...
0:31:19 > 0:31:20like that.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24Then you wait another 20 minutes for the same thing. It's not a sport.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27But it's got... I know what you mean by it not being a sport,
0:31:27 > 0:31:31- in that it's not desperately physical.- It's not a sport.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33But that's good, because it means the fat, the old,
0:31:33 > 0:31:37the alienated can play. It's like Countdown in that respect.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41- LAUGHTER - What do you mean by the alienated can play golf, anyway?
0:31:41 > 0:31:42What does that mean?
0:31:42 > 0:31:46If you don't have any friends, you can play golf on your own.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49If you haven't got friends, you can do anything on your own.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51What about seesawing?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Yeah.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:56 > 0:31:59What I think about golf is that every single golfer,
0:31:59 > 0:32:02and I'm accusing every single one of them out there,
0:32:02 > 0:32:06lies and cheats in every single game that they play.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Always this constant lying to yourself,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11"I won't count that one, I won't count that shot."
0:32:11 > 0:32:12They never play it by the rules.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14You're only cheating yourself.
0:32:14 > 0:32:15Give me a cheer if you do that.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18SILENCE
0:32:18 > 0:32:22- Oh.- But I think it's not about that, it's about being out there
0:32:22 > 0:32:25in the open air, the course is like a living creature.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28I think it's good for the soul.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Just to show how at one with nature golfers are,
0:32:31 > 0:32:33look at this beautiful moment.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40GASPS
0:32:40 > 0:32:42You just killed a bird.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- That's awful! - Yes, yes, she hit a birdie.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48LAUGHTER
0:32:48 > 0:32:52OK, what doesn't Nick Hewer like about sport?
0:32:55 > 0:32:57LAUGHTER
0:32:57 > 0:33:02My little two minutes really is about British sportsmanship.
0:33:02 > 0:33:08That is the Northampton and England winger, who, when he scores,
0:33:08 > 0:33:13he sort of has a triumphant dive, because he's a show-off, basically.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16So you're anti, sort of, flamboyance as well, in sport?
0:33:16 > 0:33:20No, we gave the world cricket and soccer and rugby,
0:33:20 > 0:33:25and today, I worry that British sportsmanship, right,
0:33:25 > 0:33:27has reached a low ebb.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Let me just give you a couple of examples.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32You hear commentators saying,
0:33:32 > 0:33:35"He's won a penalty." Excuse me?
0:33:35 > 0:33:38You're awarded a penalty for being fouled.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42And when you actually win one, by diving or whatever it is,
0:33:42 > 0:33:45you're then congratulated by your team-mates.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49Another example is that whenever the ball crosses the goal line,
0:33:49 > 0:33:52- everybody claims it's a corner or it's not a corner.- Yep.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56When the ball goes into touch, it's everybody's ball,
0:33:56 > 0:33:58and if somebody looks on-side, everybody claims it.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Why don't they just pack it in and be honest about it?
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Sportsmanship, let's get it back, let's get it back.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07- I have to say... - APPLAUSE
0:34:10 > 0:34:14I think that the England football team in the past
0:34:14 > 0:34:19have been a little bit, they've been a bit too sporting, in a way.
0:34:19 > 0:34:24They've been too much on the side of the opposition. Look at this.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26LAUGHTER
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Now I think I'd have said,
0:34:28 > 0:34:31"No, we're not going to do the Nazi salute."
0:34:31 > 0:34:34But they just didn't want to offend anybody.
0:34:34 > 0:34:39- Is that what you want to go back to, Nick?- Er, no.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43I think it's just something happening in the stand, that's all.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Everyone stops and has a look.
0:34:46 > 0:34:51Somebody could have Photoshopped the World Yo-yo Championships.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53LAUGHTER
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Well, here's a celebration, I don't think this is triumphalist,
0:34:56 > 0:34:59so this, I think this is a celebration you'll like.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01This is from Iceland, right,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04and there's a club team there called Stjarnan FC,
0:35:04 > 0:35:09and their goal celebrations have become works of art.
0:35:09 > 0:35:15Get a load of this. So, the guy scores a penalty.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17So, he's ready, now he's ready now.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20He starts with the big cast and then he's reeling it in.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21What is he reeling in?
0:35:21 > 0:35:23It's the big fish, here it comes.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:25 > 0:35:29Photo opportunity with the big fish.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32And...
0:35:32 > 0:35:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:39 > 0:35:42What doesn't Rhod Gilbert like about sport?
0:35:47 > 0:35:51This is, well, opening or closing ceremonies, I guess.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55It's the Olympics one I'm thinking of, primarily, coming up to 2012.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58The TV audience is apparently going to be four billion,
0:35:58 > 0:36:02essentially who are going to watch 500 people in tracksuits
0:36:02 > 0:36:07walk around a track. And I don't get it as a spectacle.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09If I wanted to watch 500 people in tracksuits,
0:36:09 > 0:36:12I'd go and hang around a Job Centre in Manchester. You can just...
0:36:12 > 0:36:17It's a waste of money, it's a massive PR exercise.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19It's going to be embarrassing.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21The teams come out in alphabetical order,
0:36:21 > 0:36:24but the Greeks always come out first,
0:36:24 > 0:36:26because of the heritage and historical thing.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29And then the host nation comes out last, sort of comes in last,
0:36:29 > 0:36:32and I thought, "That's going to be good practice."
0:36:32 > 0:36:36Well, they are, it's always a bit embarrassing.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39I remember, was it Vancouver, the Winter Olympics, the last one?
0:36:39 > 0:36:44- I don't watch the Winters. - Everyone arrived, like the French, the Austrians, the Germans,
0:36:44 > 0:36:47all of them confident, all waving, confident of winning medals.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51Then you had the Brits at the back, coming out like this,
0:36:51 > 0:36:53following a gritter like that.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55Literally.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59So how would you start the Olympics then?
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Save... 80 million quid, it's going to cost.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04100 quid, 103 quid, I reckon I could do it.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08Scissors, a ribbon and then Bill Oddie,
0:37:08 > 0:37:10he'll do it for 100 quid. Right.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12He cuts the ribbon, 103 quid all in,
0:37:12 > 0:37:15and then to get the global viewing audience up,
0:37:15 > 0:37:18you smash a bottle of champagne against Pippa Middleton's bottom.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20That's it.
0:37:20 > 0:37:25At Beijing, at the end, in the closing ceremony, when they handed
0:37:25 > 0:37:30the Olympic flag to Boris, did you not get a little tear in your eye?
0:37:30 > 0:37:34- Um, no.- Look at that. It's a beautiful thing.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36It made me all tingly.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40- No?- It looks like somebody's clumsily shaved the Honey Monster
0:37:40 > 0:37:44and then pushed him out of a third-storey window.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48Well, look, I think that golf, I'm not going to put in...
0:37:48 > 0:37:52- Ohh!- ..because I think it's a spiritual exercise for many people.
0:37:52 > 0:37:53Boo.
0:37:53 > 0:37:58And I don't want to knock the British sportsmanship,
0:37:58 > 0:38:02because I think there's still a lot of great sportsmanship going on
0:38:02 > 0:38:04and people highlight just the bad stuff.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07I must admit, if I'm going to be absolutely honest,
0:38:07 > 0:38:11I'd be happy to save 80 million quid by not having an opening ceremony
0:38:11 > 0:38:14and just somebody blowing a whistle.
0:38:14 > 0:38:19- Yeah, Bill Oddie. - So, I'm going to put opening and closing ceremonies into Room 101.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:32 > 0:38:36Even though it's just disappeared into Room 101,
0:38:36 > 0:38:41there is still time to announce our own Room 101 closing ceremony.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Please enjoy.
0:38:50 > 0:38:55This is the Room 101 mascot, Bolty!
0:39:05 > 0:39:10And please welcome, from EastEnders, carrying the Olympic Flame,
0:39:10 > 0:39:11Well-Hard.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Good night.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Oh, please. Please stop!