0:00:25 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears
0:00:41 > 0:00:44banished for ever to the notorious vault.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Joining me tonight are former England cricketer Phil Tufnell,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49writer and broadcaster Victoria Coren
0:00:49 > 0:00:52and national treasure Sir Terry Wogan.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Can we have our first category?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Oh, it's sport.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12So what winds up Terry about sport?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14- PHIL:- That one.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:01:18 > 0:01:21This is a finely worked piece here.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23And it does sum up what I feel about sport.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27It is exacerbated by the London Olympics.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Some poor fellow or girl would come out of the swimming pool
0:01:31 > 0:01:36or off an athletics track drained of all emotion,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39four to six years of training gone for nothing
0:01:39 > 0:01:42because they'd come fourth or last.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Speechless with disappointment and exhaustion.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51And a fellow like him sticks a microphone under their nose
0:01:51 > 0:01:53and says, "How are you feeling?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:01:59We have an example of the kind of thing you mean, Terry.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02This is Purchase and Hunter, the rowers,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05who've just got a silver medal.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07What are your thoughts now?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09HE SIGHS
0:02:09 > 0:02:13We gave it everything, we tried everything.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15We wanted to win so badly.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18It just...
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Sorry to everybody we've let down.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22You've let nobody down.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25It's heartbreaking.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29I sort of find it reassuring that at least they're out of breath.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36You watch the England football team and you imagine at the end
0:02:36 > 0:02:39of a game they could sit down and eat a full roast dinner.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Phil, I imagine you didn't work up much of a sweat, did you?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Well, no, not really. As you say, I was never out of breath, really.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I was a little spin bowler
0:02:51 > 0:02:55and then just sat in the dressing room drinking tea and smoking fags
0:02:55 > 0:02:57while we were batting.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Any young people watching...
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Harold Larwood, the England fast bowler, when they brought out the drinks interval,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07he used to have a pint of bitter.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Yes, so did some of the boys when I toured.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14At my first test match we were out there, Lambie, Botham, Gower.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16The drinks break - all come out and,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18"Have a little drop of that, Tuffers.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"That'll make you feel better." Gin and tonic.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:24You'll like this, cos I...
0:03:24 > 0:03:28I like the post-match interview but sometimes,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31if they've lost, it's very difficult for them -
0:03:31 > 0:03:35especially if they're quite close to the people who've won.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39INTERVIEWER SPEAKS GERMAN, PLAYERS CHANT
0:03:52 > 0:03:56PLAYERS: # Y viva Espana! #
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I have to say, they're great footballers
0:04:01 > 0:04:02but they're lousy at the conga.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05One of the things that was great about the Olympics -
0:04:05 > 0:04:08apart from the sport which was an unfortunate by-product -
0:04:08 > 0:04:13wasn't it nice that for all youngsters watching, there was
0:04:13 > 0:04:14this sense of a new sort of hero?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18They'd been watching these awful reality stars
0:04:18 > 0:04:22and here was a type of person with goals and ambitions that were
0:04:22 > 0:04:25more inspiring, for which you need to get some personality.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28You need to hear some of the emotion.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29If you just saw them doing the sport,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- you wouldn't get the same lesson in it.- That was very good.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36You sound like my sports psychologist. That was fantastic.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Do you have a sports psychologist?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39No, I didn't go.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Maybe I'm being a begrudger,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47but I just found it a little bit disheartening that people come off
0:04:47 > 0:04:50not having done so well and they get a microphone.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Perhaps if they were allowed to rest for a little bit,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55put their thoughts together
0:04:55 > 0:05:00in the same way that Sir Alex Ferguson is always interviewed.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02A considerable time after the game.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05But he's still horrible.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06But he's not out of breath.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08That's true.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13I can tell this is coming from a good place. That's fair enough.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16OK, what is Phil's sports gripe?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Careful. There he comes.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Yes, the Australian cricket team from 1990 to 2002.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:29APPLAUSE
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Does that coincide with your own career?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- It does, funnily enough. - I thought it might.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40They made my life a misery for 12 years.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45I think five Ashes series I participated in. Won none.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Won the odd Test match, but we never won a series and, er,
0:05:48 > 0:05:53you know, that side that we came up against, I think statistically,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57was the best side that's ever played the game, and I managed to cop it.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59The only thing you ever won in Australia was
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- It was.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09But they knew it, as well.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11That's what really annoyed me about 'em.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13It was hard not to notice for them, wasn't it?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I know, and they used to sledge you and they used to give you stick.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I mean, one of the best sledges, I think, was off Ian Healy.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23He said to me, just as Shane Warne was coming up to bowl,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25he said, "Oi, Tuffers, can you lend me your brain?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27"I'm building an idiot."
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Your batting average against Australia -
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- do you know what that is?- Erm...
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Three?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- It's not quite that high. - What, a little bit more?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Not that high?- It's 2.72.
0:06:41 > 0:06:422.72?!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50For people who don't know about cricket,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Phil's fielding was quite legendary,
0:06:53 > 0:06:58and just to give you an insight into what Phil's fielding was like,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00we have a clip of him on The One Show,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03which sort of is an echo of it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06This, in 1990, would have cost you 780 quid, right?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- Just one bottle? - One bottle of that.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13And now, if you wanted to flog that now - £23,000.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14So, it's amazing and...
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Just think what you could do with that much money!- I know. I know.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Would you drink that? - It's got like currency.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- I'd drink it, but I wouldn't buy it. - Yeah.- No, it's b... Oh!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:28PHIL LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Yes, what a beauty!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- But it was a scam. - It was a scam.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Now, that was very expertly done, but a very fine gag.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I watched that at home and completely thought you'd knocked...
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Maybe because I could remember this incident.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Oh, hello.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50TONY GREIG: Oh, there's a mix-up, there's going to be a run-out!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh, my goodness gracious me!
0:07:55 > 0:08:00You would not believe that that was possible.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02He got so excited.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Sorry, Phil.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05HE GROANS
0:08:05 > 0:08:08That's the first time I've actually wanted to cry on a cricket field.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10As an Australian bloke once said to me...
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- AUSSIE ACCENT:- "You were about as popular as a ginger-haired stepson."
0:08:18 > 0:08:22OK, let's have a look at Victoria's sports hate.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32I don't like people who are naked in public changing rooms.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I'm not comfortable with nudity when it's me alone in the bath.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I certainly don't want to be trying to put my clothes back on
0:08:46 > 0:08:50in the gym, you know, appropriately, under a towel, sliding things on,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and someone just strolls past,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55and it's usually somebody perfect - they go to the gym all the time -
0:08:55 > 0:08:57all, you know, perky and completely hairless.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01"Look at me, I'm perfect. Why don't you just kill yourself now?"
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Don't they have cubicles in ladies'...
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Is it open-plan in a ladies' changing room?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- There's lockers where your stuff is. - But it's all out in the open, is it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- Yeah, but you don't have to... - I didn't know that.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I like the way when Phil said, "All in the..."
0:09:15 > 0:09:17he did a bit of a swagger.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22It's even worse in a blokes' gym, I imagine.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24What do you mean, you "imagine"? You don't go?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26No, I've been in one once.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28But it's hard to compare, obviously.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31With men... How can I put this delicately at this hour?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34But with men, size is very much...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37You know, with women, I don't know if women have made up their mind
0:09:37 > 0:09:42about whether big breasts or small breasts are superior in any way.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44With men, the votes have all been counted.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Well, I say it about ladies' changing rooms
0:09:49 > 0:09:52cos that's where I am more often than in the men's.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54You should get around more.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Men are exactly the same.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01We all feel completely inadequate,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04and then somebody walks in, bit like yourself...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Yes, I think I represent the small handful.
0:10:14 > 0:10:20I have found, um, a way round it, and I would recommend this.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Now, this is a commercially available item.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26We haven't had this made for the show or anything.
0:10:26 > 0:10:32But you can take one of these into a dressing room...
0:10:33 > 0:10:37..and, er, obviously by now you're getting a few stares, but...
0:10:40 > 0:10:44So you just set this up, and then zip it down,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47you go in with your, um, you know, your gear on...
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Yeah.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52And, um, you have all the privacy you need.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56TOILET FLUSHES
0:10:56 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:06But that's a genuine item that people, er... That people use.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Good.- Wondering what else was going to jump out then!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Yeah, that would have been better, wouldn't it,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13if a girl had come out in a sequin leotard?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15We don't have that kind of money.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16LAUGHTER
0:11:16 > 0:11:19OK, we come to the end of that round.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23You've all argued your cases very well, I must say.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27I, myself, suffer in dressing rooms,
0:11:27 > 0:11:32through insecurity and horror and envy,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35but I sort of think it's my problem,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38rather than their problem,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42and I know it's very tough for those losers being interviewed,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44but I do like the drama of it,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and also I hate the Australian cricket team,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49so I'm going to put them into Room 101.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50CHEERING
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12So, what winds Phil up about food and drink?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Ah!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Hors d'oeuvres. Would you like an hors d'oeuvre, Terry?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- I'd love one, but I've been warned against them.- Yes, precisely.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25I couldn't agree more.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29No, hors d'oeuvres, can't sta... I don't think I've ever actually
0:12:29 > 0:12:33enjoyed eating any single hors d'oeuvre in me life, to be fair.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- Really?- You're at a posh do, aren't you,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38with your DJ on and you're sitting there having a drink,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40and there's this little chap with sort of a roof tile,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43full of all this little sort of stuff coming round, and he goes,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?" You go, "No."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48They keep coming back. "Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?"
0:12:48 > 0:12:50"No, can you leave me alone? I'm having a chat."
0:12:50 > 0:12:53So eventually you go, "Well, OK, what are they?"
0:12:53 > 0:12:56and the bloke goes, "Pfft! Dunno, but I wouldn't have one".
0:12:56 > 0:12:57You know what I mean?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And they look disgusting, and so you eventually go,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03"Oh, go on, I'll try one," and it's disgusting,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06and you spend the next five minutes sort of going...
0:13:08 > 0:13:11..and trying to find somewhere to spit it out. I can't stand 'em.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15All you're doing is reinforcing your image as an unsophisticated lout.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- Well, no... - LAUGHTER
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I couldn't agree more.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I mean, what is wrong with a Twiglet?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29That's a very good discussion point.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33It's small food. No point of it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Well, there's ways round this.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I mean, for a start, I wear the plate ring.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43And then...
0:13:43 > 0:13:47And then I can be chatting to someone in an animated fashion,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49and I say, "Oh, there you go,"
0:13:49 > 0:13:53and I even go so far as a finger fork.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59These are all a way round it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Well, I don't like big, bloating meals any more.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I like little delicate...
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And you get to taste all sorts of different things.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I like them to start, and then I like the big, bloating meal afterwards.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17OK! Well, you've got the best of all possible worlds.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20OK, then. What doesn't Victoria like about food and drink?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Yes, I don't like the phrase "English breakfast tea".
0:14:31 > 0:14:33It's that... It's just tea.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Something's happened the last few years,
0:14:37 > 0:14:41I think, since the encroachment of these giant coffee places
0:14:41 > 0:14:45trying to make you drink, sort of, huge American children's drinks.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51And they're trying to trick us into thinking that tea isn't a thing.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53They make it sound niche, make it sound small,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55make it sound like you're a bit pernickety for wanting it.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58No. Cup of tea. Call it by its simple name.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03But you could easily end up with a cup of Lapsang Souchong.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08Well, then you're entitled to throw it in the face of the person that brought it for you and say,
0:15:08 > 0:15:09"I want normal tea."
0:15:12 > 0:15:16I-I don't know if you're legally entitled to do that.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18But it's... I think, for example,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20it's very rude not to have in your house
0:15:20 > 0:15:22the ingredients of a normal cup of tea.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You have to have those things in your house. It's rude not to.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28But people think it's OK to offer tea when they just mean
0:15:28 > 0:15:32they've got some strange thing they can make into a hot health drink.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Don't want it. Just tea.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Blimey!
0:15:39 > 0:15:44This feels to me a bit like a sort of new-age colonialism,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47cos you're saying that all the Lapsang Souchongs and the Ceylons
0:15:47 > 0:15:51and the Darjeelings are some sort of quirky splinter group.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54You're a tea fascist, that's what you are.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56This is what you should be drinking out of...
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I mean, that is brilliant, but it's not a new colonialism.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07It's a fight against the colonialism by the Americans.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Everybody knows what I mean by those coffee chains...- Oh, yeah.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12..that come here, take over the high streets,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15drive the little independent places out of business,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18don't really pay any tax - we're getting nothing in return -
0:16:18 > 0:16:21in return for being tricked into having giant drinks that
0:16:21 > 0:16:24make us fat and rot our teeth and turn us gradually into Americans.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27We're not even getting a penny in tax money, and the fight-back...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29It's true, it's not just about drinking tea.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33It's also about remembering who we are and being proud of it,
0:16:33 > 0:16:34not in a fascist way,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37in a little, local, quiet, polite, knitting,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40how-are-you-over-the-garden-fence tea kind of way.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Do you ever use an infuser?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- No!- No?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I put a tea bag in a cup and I pour boiling water on it.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55This is called the TEA.Tanic.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:03And look - it hangs on the side so it's in sinking mode.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I would like to just check here that you used a glass cup
0:17:07 > 0:17:09so that everyone could see the TEA.Tanic there,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12not because you think it's acceptable to have a glass cup.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Well, y-you are very strict, Victoria, I must say.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20My mum always used to say her dream was to have a see-through teapot
0:17:20 > 0:17:24so she could watch all the mechanics of the tea brewing.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28We were simple people, I'll be honest with you.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29She also used to say,
0:17:29 > 0:17:33"Don't put hot tea bags in the bin or you'll set it on fire."
0:17:35 > 0:17:38What doesn't Terry like about food and drink?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42There won't be anything.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Well, I wouldn't say I don't like crisps.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It's packaging. Not just packaging for...
0:17:49 > 0:17:54- You know, tin of sardines, or your favourites, the pilchard...- Ah, yes.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58You put the finger in the ring thing,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01dislocate your finger,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03break your toenail,
0:18:03 > 0:18:04damn thing comes away,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and you've got to get a tin opener anyway.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09And it's all for a sardine.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- Mm.- But if you take it even further,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I mean, when you get to my distinguished age...
0:18:14 > 0:18:15FRANK TITTERS
0:18:15 > 0:18:18..it becomes very difficult to open things.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Has anybody tried to break into a toothbrush lately?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:31You're in the bathroom, you think,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35"Ah, I will restore my dentures to their pristine glory.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"I have a new toothbrush here."
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Apparently, Terry, I'm told that the way to get into a toothbrush
0:18:45 > 0:18:47is with a tin opener,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50that a tin opener runs down the natural groove round the side
0:18:50 > 0:18:52and then it comes out quite neatly.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- So, um...- You turned out to be a bit of a smart aleck, didn't you?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- Yeah. I haven't tried it yet. I've got a tin opener.- Oh.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01A pretty sophisticated tin opener.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02If I can get the packaging off!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I have scissors.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12HE GROANS
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Anyway, apparently that works.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19You know those kind of bottles that you think,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22"Oh, I'll just screw the top off it," but you can't.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26You've got to press it down before you turn it round,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- and it still doesn't come off.- Right.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31There you are, without your vinegar for your chips...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33FRANK CHUCKLES
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- And I goes on for ever. - It's difficult.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38It's made me realise why old people get up so early,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40cos they need about...
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I like them to be a bit difficult,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49cos is there any greater joy
0:19:49 > 0:19:54than when your girlfriend passes you a bottle or a jar and says,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56"Can you open this?" and you go...
0:19:56 > 0:19:59And inside, obviously, you're really straining,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01and you just pass it back casually like that,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03but, really, your spirit is going, "Yes!"
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I tend to hand the thing to me wife!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11So, um, we come to the end of that round.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13My goodness me, it's a good one, I tell you.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I like hors d'oeuvres,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and your argument is that you don't handle them very well,
0:20:18 > 0:20:23but to remove them for everyone - I don't think that seems fair.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27The trouble is you just can't hold onto anything, Phil. Simple as that.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I'm on my fourth wife.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- So you're not wrong.- That's er...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47And, Victoria, I know what you mean, but I do think
0:20:47 > 0:20:51we have to accept there are many teas. They're not all weirdo teas.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54They are proper tea leaves, and we need to distinguish them.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57But I have to admit that as I get older,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00life is becoming a war against packaging on food
0:21:00 > 0:21:05and so many things, so I am going to put food packaging into Room 101.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:21:23 > 0:21:29Ah, language. Fabulous! So, what winds up Victoria about language?
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Well, I decided to go with the verb "to party".
0:21:40 > 0:21:42As in, "Do you want to party? Do you like to party?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"I'm going to go and party. I partied last night."
0:21:44 > 0:21:48As if the person speaking is so dedicated to the pursuit of fun
0:21:48 > 0:21:50they don't even have time
0:21:50 > 0:21:52to use a verb AND a noun in the same sentence.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Can I just say... Verb - a "doing" word.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02APPLAUSE
0:22:04 > 0:22:07If you're a little bit shy of going to a party
0:22:07 > 0:22:10and nervous of meeting new people,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13the type of person who's going "to party",
0:22:13 > 0:22:19rather than go to a party, just feels terrifyingly upbeat.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22You just picture the conga,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25bowls of drugs and car keys in a bowl.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I mean, it's... It's just...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:34 > 0:22:37You need to get out more, love!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Oh, God. Careful - you could be wife number five!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I know what you mean - there is something about someone saying,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49"Let's party," which doesn't...
0:22:49 > 0:22:53I mean, no-one's ever said, "Let's dinner party," have they? It...
0:22:53 > 0:22:57It does suggest a degree of wildness.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59You take this young fellow here.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02He's an Australian teenager who had a party so raucous
0:23:02 > 0:23:07that he actually got interviewed on the news, things got so out of hand.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Thanks for joining us.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13The only question that I can think to ask is, what were you thinking?
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Er... I wasn't, really.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Why don't you take this opportunity now to apologise to your parents
0:23:20 > 0:23:21and to your neighbours,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23who have said today that they were frightened?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I will say sorry now for everything that happened.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Why don't you take your glasses off, so we can see you,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32and then apologise to your neighbours for frightening them?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Hmm... Nah, nah, I'll leave these on. No, I like them.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38What would you say to other kids who were thinking of partying
0:23:38 > 0:23:41when their parents are out of town?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Get me to do it for you.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Well, we've got to go but I suggest you go away
0:23:45 > 0:23:47and take a good, long, hard look at yourself.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I have. Everyone has. They love it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- He's fantastic!- Is she, sort of, telling him off on television?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I have to say, I'm totally with the teenager on that one.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- It's youth that you're trying to put into Room 101.- It's not.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07No, it isn't! No, it isn't, and I won't have that said about youth
0:24:07 > 0:24:10because a VAST proportion of the nation's youth,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I am delighted to say,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15are still spending their weekends
0:24:15 > 0:24:18maybe doing brass rubbings of old coins,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21reading books about the Anglo-Saxons... But they ARE.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24There are still young people that have metal detectors and like going to libraries.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Do you think they say, "Hey, let's library"?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33OK, what doesn't Terry like about language?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43Well, you don't need to be an expert to know it's language on TV.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45For instance, "It's a big ask."
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Why not just say...
0:24:49 > 0:24:52"It's going to be very difficult for him
0:24:52 > 0:24:54"to score a goal under these circumstances"?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59And the other thing... "You nailed it!"
0:24:59 > 0:25:01What?!
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Again...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07"I thought you did splendidly there."
0:25:07 > 0:25:12And then there's..."a journey".
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- We've all been on one. - Everybody's been...
0:25:15 > 0:25:20In the reality show, "I've been on a journey." We ALL go on a journey!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25It only has one finish, our journey.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27What is genuinely frightening, actually,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29about shows like that is that...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32You're talking about cliches. You don't want to hear these cliches.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35But those shows have been running long enough that on them you now see
0:25:35 > 0:25:39a generation of people who learned how to speak FROM those shows.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Television can have a very pernicious effect. I mean...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46look at this programme.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Undermining the moral fibre of the country.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Well...- Come on, now.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Don't I represent positivity?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Not so far this evening.- OK.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01I think that you're the first person I ever heard
0:26:01 > 0:26:03use the word "ginormous".
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Which is a terrible word.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- So what about YOUR pernicious influence?- It's an evocative word...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11No, there's no need for it. We've got "gigantic".
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- .."enormous" and "gigantic". - Why need to put them together?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16It's like Jedward.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21"Ginormous" is one of my pet-hate words.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24He's eaten alive with jealousy cos he didn't think of it.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Just as a little, sort of, flavour of, er...new language,
0:26:31 > 0:26:35we have a clip - it's sort of a compilation - from Made In Chelsea.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Just listen out for the new and wondrous words in this.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41OMG, this is never going to work.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43It was obvs a success.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Everything you do is just successful, you know...
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- She's in love with you, totes. - Yeah, blates, blates.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56That's genuinely nearly reduced me to tears!
0:26:56 > 0:26:57It WAS very moving.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I've never seen that programme.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02They're AWFUL!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04APPLAUSE
0:27:10 > 0:27:13What is Phil's language gripe?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Right...
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Well, this is... This is... - AUDIENCE MURMUR
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- Oooh!- They've got it. They've got it!
0:27:25 > 0:27:30People who raise their last couple of words of the SENTENCE?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32When you're talking to THEM?
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Just sort of, like, gets on my nerves, cos you don't quite know...
0:27:36 > 0:27:39You know, you're having a conversation with them and
0:27:39 > 0:27:42you're not quite sure whether you've got to then speak
0:27:42 > 0:27:44or have they asked you a question?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Or was it a fact? You know, or something like that.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50And also, I think people who do that just raise it
0:27:50 > 0:27:52at the end of a sentence, I think, sort of...
0:27:52 > 0:27:55are almost tried to coax you into agreeing with them. Can't stand it.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00- But they're Australians.- That might have something to do with it!
0:28:00 > 0:28:04There is a little, sort of, thing that comes across here, perhaps.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- Yeah. - It's your anti-Australian bias.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09It is a little bit. "Hello, Tuffers, lovely day for CRICKET?"
0:28:09 > 0:28:13You know, "Oh, shut up!" you know what I mean?
0:28:13 > 0:28:17You know, everything is just a little bit too overenthusiastic.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20You see, I like it, cos it's like the sentence ends
0:28:20 > 0:28:22on a sort of a high, doesn't it?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24It can make bad stuff sound good, you know.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26"I don't love you any MORE?"
0:28:28 > 0:28:32It's sort of, "Oh, that's all right, don't worry about it!" I like that.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35It's like Richard Wagner's operas -
0:28:35 > 0:28:37rather than completing a movement,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40they often leave you slightly hanging there.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42You wait for it to finish and it doesn't quite finish.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47It's good to have suspense in life. Life isn't about easy endings.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49It's cleverer than that, it's more complicated.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51I'll say this for you -
0:28:51 > 0:28:54- you are a man with a really unusual frame of reference.- Thank you.
0:28:56 > 0:29:02Right, I... I like variety in language of all types.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04And I do think there's something slightly...
0:29:04 > 0:29:07It's a bit like dancing girls coming on at the end of a show,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10that "da-da-da-da". And, er...
0:29:11 > 0:29:15I am very close to putting Terry in because I know it is annoying,
0:29:15 > 0:29:18that stuff. But I don't think it's all... It's not ALL TV.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19It's not even all reality.
0:29:19 > 0:29:24I don't think they ever used the phrase "nail it" on the search to find Jesus Christ Superstar.
0:29:24 > 0:29:25Pfft!
0:29:29 > 0:29:30But I do...
0:29:30 > 0:29:34You have won me over to the fact that people who use the word
0:29:34 > 0:29:38"party" as a verb have sort of taken over parties
0:29:38 > 0:29:40and they've made them loud and boisterous.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43And what about the people who actually just want to have
0:29:43 > 0:29:45a social gathering and share their thoughts and interests?
0:29:45 > 0:29:47I am going to put...
0:29:47 > 0:29:50- the verb "to party" into Room 101. - Well played!
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Next category, please.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Ah, this is the wildcard round, so the gloves are off.
0:30:09 > 0:30:10No categories to worry about.
0:30:10 > 0:30:14You can just choose anything at all you don't like.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16So, what is Victoria's wildcard?
0:30:22 > 0:30:25I don't like windows that don't open,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28or worse, that open slightly but not properly.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31And people will know this if they travel for work,
0:30:31 > 0:30:34because it's a particular kind of British hotel
0:30:34 > 0:30:38that you'd never go and stay in for a holiday, but you're there,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41and they've got a window, and it opens a little bit like that,
0:30:41 > 0:30:43but not more, and if you ask them to open it some more,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46they won't do it for your own safety.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50If they're under the impression that everyone who wants to kill themselves would think,
0:30:50 > 0:30:53"I'm so unhappy, I want to end it. Oh, the window doesn't open.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57"I think I'll just devote my life to charitable works instead,"
0:30:57 > 0:30:59then that's fine, if that's the reason.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02I've stayed in that hotel, though, those hotels,
0:31:02 > 0:31:04and after a couple of nights,
0:31:04 > 0:31:06I fancied throwing meself out the window.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08I know the one you mean.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11You can still get stuff out of those slightly...
0:31:11 > 0:31:13I mean, luckily for rock stars,
0:31:13 > 0:31:17this has happened, along with the rise of the flat-screen TV.
0:31:21 > 0:31:25I, um, I know a little tune about windows.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Ah!
0:31:27 > 0:31:29You ready?
0:31:29 > 0:31:32MICROSOFT WINDOWS OPENING TUNE
0:31:37 > 0:31:40There is a serious point. I really mean this quite seriously.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44It seems like a trivial thing, that the window doesn't open,
0:31:44 > 0:31:47but it's part of a huge problem which is becoming OK to tell people
0:31:47 > 0:31:50that something restrictive is for their own safety,
0:31:50 > 0:31:53and the things to worry about being told it's for your own safety
0:31:53 > 0:31:56are massive queues at airports, ID cards,
0:31:56 > 0:32:00body scanners at the railway station, police carrying guns.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02You're told it's for your own safety, but somehow,
0:32:02 > 0:32:06whenever you hear those words, it's yourself being restricted
0:32:06 > 0:32:08and somebody else taking control. And when I hear it,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11I just want to smash my way through the window with a hammer.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13LAUGHTER
0:32:51 > 0:32:54It's a very fine line, all this, though, this thing about,
0:32:54 > 0:32:56you know, we've got to have our rights and that.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Some people are not as bright as you
0:32:58 > 0:33:01and they need protecting from their own foolishness.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03You think there are people
0:33:03 > 0:33:06that are so stupid that you have to not allow them to open the window,
0:33:06 > 0:33:09in case they don't know how to stay on the right side of it?
0:33:09 > 0:33:11LAUGHTER
0:33:11 > 0:33:14I could argue that perhaps I'm being a bit more broadminded than you,
0:33:14 > 0:33:16whereas your mind can only open this far.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21So, what is Terry's wildcard?
0:33:27 > 0:33:30"Research shows..."
0:33:30 > 0:33:31"Research shows..."
0:33:31 > 0:33:35I think it's best illustrated by coffee.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37I have a small, er...
0:33:37 > 0:33:39This may take some time.
0:33:39 > 0:33:40LAUGHTER
0:33:40 > 0:33:43"According to a Greek study, one cup of coffee a day
0:33:43 > 0:33:45"could reduce your blood pressure.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48"British research says it could keep you awake all night,
0:33:48 > 0:33:52"which, according to Japanese research, is bad for your heart.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54"Two cups a day, says the University of Florida,
0:33:54 > 0:33:56"could keep Alzheimer's at bay,
0:33:56 > 0:33:58"but according to a French researcher,
0:33:58 > 0:34:00"could be dangerous if you're pregnant.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02"A US study has found that three cups a day
0:34:02 > 0:34:04"can lower the risk of gallstones,
0:34:04 > 0:34:07"while another from Sweden reports that three cups
0:34:07 > 0:34:08"may make a woman's breasts shrink.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12"Meanwhile, down in Japan,
0:34:12 > 0:34:14"researchers have found five coffees a day
0:34:14 > 0:34:16"will reduce the risk of liver damage.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19"On the other hand, it may lead to osteoporosis."
0:34:21 > 0:34:23I think a cup of tea is the wisest thing.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30Course, you needn't worry about any of these foods
0:34:30 > 0:34:32cos you can't get through the packaging.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Exactly. And, of course,
0:34:35 > 0:34:38I have my racing snake figure to think about as well.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41But it is confusing. There used to be things that were good for you
0:34:41 > 0:34:44and things that were bad for you, and that was it.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Do you remember this advert from my youth?
0:34:46 > 0:34:48CROWD CHEERS
0:34:49 > 0:34:52May I have your autograph, please, Mr Best? I've seen you on telly.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55- And I've seen you on telly. You're Aunt Bet's nephew, aren't you?- Yeah.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Remember that last match in Spain?
0:34:57 > 0:35:00- Cor!- Terrible game. Didn't have an egg for breakfast.
0:35:00 > 0:35:01Well, there you are.
0:35:01 > 0:35:02PHIL SPLUTTERS
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Didn't have an egg for breakfast,
0:35:04 > 0:35:07but I did have two bottles of vodka and a threesome.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12But eggs were definitely good for you then, no doubt.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Milk was definitely good for you.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17It was straightforward, but it has changed horribly.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21I was always told that you can survive just on Guinness.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26It's meant to be very good for you, Tel.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29You should know about the Guinness. Like a drop of Guinness?
0:35:29 > 0:35:33- As soon as I could afford to drink something else...- You did.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41OK, what is Phil's wildcard?
0:35:41 > 0:35:42Yes!
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Tips.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49To tip, or not to tip?
0:35:49 > 0:35:51That is the question.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Because I don't go to work... Or when I used to play cricket,
0:35:54 > 0:35:57get a few wickets or something, and someone at the end of the day go,
0:35:57 > 0:36:00"Listen, you did really well today, Phil.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02"Here's a couple of quid. Go and have a drink."
0:36:02 > 0:36:04You know what I mean? No-one used to tip me.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08Whereas cricketers in Pakistan - it happens all the time.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14I was in America the other day, and I went into a brasserie.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I sat down, I had a cup of coffee and a ham sandwich,
0:36:17 > 0:36:22the bill's come up, it said 10, so I got 10 out.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24I was in there for, you know, five minutes.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Put the 10 down, I walked out of the brasserie,
0:36:27 > 0:36:32the bloke chased me down the road with his mate, frogmarched me,
0:36:32 > 0:36:35virtually, back to the place and said, "You haven't paid our tip."
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Can I say I believe that, cos I've seen Phil play cricket,
0:36:39 > 0:36:42and a man who worked in a brasserie would catch him easily.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47Do you tip when it's already on the bill, and...
0:36:47 > 0:36:48No.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52I don't think it should be shared out amongst all the waiters either.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54If I want to tip a good waiter, I want them to get...
0:36:54 > 0:36:56- Mm.- I don't want people who are perhaps rubbish
0:36:56 > 0:36:58getting the same tip as them.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00It's like when... You know at the end of a Take That gig
0:37:00 > 0:37:03and they come out and they all get the same applause.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04It seems wrong.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Here's an example of a tip.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Damien Hirst, you know, the artist,
0:37:10 > 0:37:14he got out of a cab and he gave the man this as a tip.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Signed. It says, "A great drive."
0:37:17 > 0:37:20As well as the fare, he gave him that,
0:37:20 > 0:37:25and the bloke put it up for auction, and it went for 4,500 quid!
0:37:25 > 0:37:28- That's great.- What about that for a tip?- That's terrific.
0:37:28 > 0:37:33So what I've started doing now is I give them... I say, "That's £7.80.
0:37:33 > 0:37:34"A bloke went into a doctor's..."
0:37:37 > 0:37:41OK, we come to the end of the wildcard round.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45I think that we probably need windows to not open all the way,
0:37:45 > 0:37:49because not everyone is as smart as you are, Victoria,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51and we have to protect fools.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54Those health fad things - they are annoying
0:37:54 > 0:37:58but I suppose it's because people are, at long last,
0:37:58 > 0:38:00trying to get fitter and healthier
0:38:00 > 0:38:03and thinking about what they eat and stuff like that.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06So, although you were both excellent, I thought...
0:38:06 > 0:38:09I thought you made a very good point about tipping.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12It's a horrible story, Phil, about being chased,
0:38:12 > 0:38:14so I am going to put tipping into Room 101.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Well done, Phil, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:38:32 > 0:38:35- so you are this week's winner. - Thank you.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:37 > 0:38:40So, thanks very much, Victoria Coren, Phil Tufnell
0:38:40 > 0:38:43and Sir Terry Wogan, and thank you. Good night.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd