0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101 -
0:00:41 > 0:00:44the show where three guests battle to get the things they hate
0:00:44 > 0:00:49entombed for all eternity in the dreaded vaults.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Joining me tonight are comedian Hugh Dennis,
0:00:51 > 0:00:55presenter Mel Giedroyc and legend Cilla Black.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Wow!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:09OK, let's have the first category, please.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15People!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18OK, so what kind of people wind up Cilla?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23FRANK GIGGLES
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Ooh!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Yeah, it's people who say,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"Do you know who I am?"
0:01:30 > 0:01:31I hate that.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36I hate reality stars that walk the red carpet
0:01:36 > 0:01:41and expect to be there and, you know, expect the treatment,
0:01:41 > 0:01:45the star treatment. And they're famous for five minutes!
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I hate that, I absolutely hate that.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I do.
0:01:55 > 0:02:00I mean, I was standing in line, erm, at an airport
0:02:00 > 0:02:05and a very famous lady, I won't name her...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Please, Cilla.- Oh, go on!- Please.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Just give us a clue.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I wouldn't dream of naming her.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Bigger than you, Cilla? Bigger than you?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13No.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- Please tell us.- ..and she was trying to get an upgrade
0:02:21 > 0:02:23from business class to first-class
0:02:23 > 0:02:26and we were in Barbados
0:02:26 > 0:02:31and I'm standing patiently behind her and the last thing that she mentioned
0:02:31 > 0:02:35was, "But I need an upgrade...
0:02:35 > 0:02:39"don't you know who I am?"
0:02:39 > 0:02:41And I won't mention any names.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Is it Valerie Singleton, Cilla?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Cilla, please.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- Very posh.- Posh? Camilla!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Look, stop... Don't be a Cilla griller.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- Leave her alone.- You wouldn't be surprised if I mentioned the name.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02So, why don't you see how surprised we'd be?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- No, I can't.- I always think, though,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10it's an incredibly dangerous strategy.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15There was one occasion when somebody stopped me in the street and went,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"I know you."
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And in those instances, to put them out of their slight embarrassment,
0:03:20 > 0:03:25I kind of go, "Yeah, well, I'm an actor.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29"I'm in a thing called Outnumbered, I do a thing called Mock The Week,"
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and he went, "No."
0:03:31 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:37He went, "No, yesterday...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39"Homebase Chichester."
0:03:39 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Well, I would never say, "Do you know who I am?"
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I have - when I've been queueing up to get into places -
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I have used this.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55What you see is what you get,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59and Frankie Howerd, the late and great Frankie Howerd, was right.
0:03:59 > 0:04:05I'm common as muck and... With a few bob, I have to say.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:12But even in restaurants, when I call up restaurants,
0:04:12 > 0:04:17if they don't want me as Mrs Willis, they don't get my...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I don't ever go there again.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- So, you don't say "I'm Cilla Black?"- No.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- Oh, God no.- Really?!- No, I don't.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26I love that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Was it Carole Middleton?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I once heard Pete Doherty say, "Do you know who I am?"
0:04:33 > 0:04:35But it was a genuine enquiry.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43But I think you're right, people who say, "Don't you know who I am,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47"do you know who I am?" they're bad people.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51This is a clip I'd like to show you which has an example
0:04:51 > 0:04:53of someone saying, "Do you know who I am?"
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Do you know who I am?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Do you know who I am?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Do you know who I am? - Yeah, you're Cilla Black.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Do you know who I am?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Lulu?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:05 > 0:05:07INAUDIBLE
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Oh, well... Yeah.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13FRANK LAUGHS
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I hold my hands up in shame.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21OK, so what is Hugh's people pet hate?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27This is...
0:05:27 > 0:05:31This is people who bring round cards...
0:05:32 > 0:05:36..for you to sign. Before I did what I do now, I had a proper job
0:05:36 > 0:05:40for about seven or eight years out of university.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42The thing I always hated was this.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Someone will come up with a card
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and go, "You know Emma, who you've never met,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50"you've no idea who she is, she works in the other building?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"She's just nipped off to the loo, would you mind signing this...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"Oh, no, she's coming, hang on."
0:05:55 > 0:05:58And then, eventually, you get the card,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01and at that point, you realise
0:06:01 > 0:06:04that you've never actually been told what the card is for.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08You've got a choice, generally, between, is it their birthday,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10or are they leaving the company?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13So, you try and cover both bases, that's what I always try to do.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17So you put things like, "Have fun. Enjoy yourself."
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And then you give the card back and discover
0:06:19 > 0:06:21the reason you're giving a card in the first place
0:06:21 > 0:06:24is because they're having one of their kidneys removed.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29I feel quite sorry for the people whose birthday it is
0:06:29 > 0:06:32or who's leaving or whatever, cos they're sitting there and
0:06:32 > 0:06:35they have to pretend that they don't know that a card is being signed.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Yeah.- That's very true.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41People come in and say, "Wendy, can you just come into the office?"
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- And you have to work away like you haven't... It's a nightmare.- Yes.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Pressure.- All that pretending.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Having said all that, if I ever leave anywhere,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- I would like one of these cards. - Yeah.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56And you never know, you might need a new kidney.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59I think I probably do need one.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I don't think they tuck them inside the card.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I think, sometimes, a card can do more harm than good.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11This is a card, a genuine valentine card, available from Asda.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- No way.- Genuine.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I think the sticker with 7p, that is removable.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Someone wrote to me and said,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"Could you sign a card for my dad's birthday?"
0:07:25 > 0:07:28and I signed it, sent it back and thought that's a lovely thing.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I saw it on eBay...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34..three weeks later, and the price they were asking
0:07:34 > 0:07:37was less than the card cost.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42So, my signing of it had reduced its worth.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46OK, what people wind up Mel?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57People who over pronounce words in Italian.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03It's a bit of a niche one, this.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- No, I... - It's a bit of a niche one.- OK.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09So, I'll give you a sort of example, let's set the scene.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I've got a friend, a sort of friend of my brother's,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16who, she goes into a restaurant, she's very softly spoken,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19and she'll get the menu out. We're in an Italian restaurant, whatever,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22and she'll say, "Yeah, that looks great,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24"I think I'll start with
0:08:24 > 0:08:27the "FUNGHI ALLA MELANZANA...
0:08:27 > 0:08:33"..and then I'll probably go for the STRACCIATELLI ALLA FUNGHI...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"..and, um, I don't know, for dessert I'll probably have
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"TIRAMISU."
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Could you tell us what this person's name is?
0:08:44 > 0:08:49I'll tell you what I do notice, they only seem to do it in Italian.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Yes.- Who would dare go into a Chinese restaurant and say,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"Yes, I am ready to order. Can I have the... chicki cho..."
0:08:54 > 0:08:57You wouldn't dare!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59You would not...
0:08:59 > 0:09:04It would... It would be wrong on a million levels.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07For some reason, it's OK in an Italian restaurant,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- even though it's exactly the same thing.- Yes.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14It's a show off-y thing, it's pretentious, it's unnecessary.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17There's a name for it, it's called hyper-foreignism.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Is that so?- That's honestly what it's called.- Oh, really?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I've got a clip of a woman here
0:09:22 > 0:09:24who, I would say, is the hyper-foreign secretary.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28And she's Welsh...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:33..but, um, she's someone who, I think,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- totally falls into the trap you're talking about.- Let's have a look.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Mix it with half a tub of RICOTTA
0:09:39 > 0:09:42which I love to serve with PAPPARDELLE.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You can also use dried TAGLIATELLE or even PENNE.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48You can also use LINGUINE, SPAGHETTI.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51One tub of MASCARPONE, one tub of RICOTTA.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Your TAGLIATELLE should be just AL DENTE.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56That is why you don't have SPAGHETTI with Bolognese.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I felt...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01APPLAUSE
0:10:05 > 0:10:09The "Bolognese" was a bit of a let down, I thought!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Bolognese-ee.- It was the way she said spaghetti,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14she said it about five times,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- "Spag-ay-tti, Spag-ay-tti..."- Yes.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- There's no need.- No, it's spaghetti, we all know that.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Spaghetti, yeah.- OK, we've come to the end of the people round
0:10:23 > 0:10:26and, erm, I... With the cards thing,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I think it comes from a good place,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32and the fact that you want a card when you leave, maybe tonight,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36I think you've slightly undermined your thing.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39And I do think... I think it's an improvement,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42even though it is annoying, that people who used to just
0:10:42 > 0:10:45turn everything into brutish English impersonations,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48they're trying to do the language a bit.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53But I do think it is unacceptable, erm, unless you're Cilla Black
0:10:53 > 0:10:58in 1971, or whenever it was, to say, "Do you know who I am?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01And so I am going to put people who say, "Do you know who I am?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:03into room 101!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29It's Food And Drink. So, what is Cilla's food and drink hate?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Ooh.
0:11:37 > 0:11:44Yeah, I know olive oil is good for you, I know all that and everything,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47but I hate olive oil.
0:11:47 > 0:11:53In fact, I can't stand it when chefs on the telly
0:11:53 > 0:11:55put their thumb on that...
0:11:55 > 0:11:59You know, they've cooked a perfectly cooked dish
0:11:59 > 0:12:03and it looks wonderful and then they have to put
0:12:03 > 0:12:09their thumb on the top of olive oil and go around the plate. It stems...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- And now I'm going to pull at the heartstrings.- OK.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Cos I was a war baby. AUDIENCE: Ah-h-h!
0:12:17 > 0:12:24Yes, I was born in '43, that deserves a bigger "Ah" than that!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26AUDIENCE: Ah-h-h!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- The Blitz!- I think they were anticipating First World War.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:38In the '50s, at school, because we had the rationing...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40AUDIENCE: Ah-h-h!
0:12:40 > 0:12:45We were given cod-liver oil, a spoonful,
0:12:45 > 0:12:51a dessertspoonful of cod-liver oil. So I have hated any oil ever since.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Especially cod-liver.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Any oil? But cod-liver oil... They are very different things, aren't they?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- One is from an olive and one is from the liver of a cold.- Yes.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04They're not, they're not really the same.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09In dressings, it's fine. But around the plate?!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Don't dress my plate with olive oil. - They call it drizzling, don't they?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16That's the technical... That the term, they always say a drizzle of oil.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Don't drizzle on my parade.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Do not drizzle. No, and that's where it comes from, really. Basically.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34- When I was a kid, Cilla, olive oil was for earache.- Yes.- That's right.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38That was the big thing. My mum would put olive oil in my ear and when it got better,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- she'd put in balsamic vinegar... - They can put it in any orifice apart from my mouth.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46The family would gather round with ciabatta and it was lovely.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I tell you what as well, if you're suffering from a little bit
0:13:49 > 0:13:54of the old constipation, it doesn't half get things moving, Cilla.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- I remember... - Where are you putting it, exactly?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59LAUGHTER
0:14:01 > 0:14:05So anyway, what is Mel's food and drink dislike?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I've got a thing about vending machines.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Can I say, that one practically works.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18You see the coin, if you put the coin in the slot...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- Shall we have a little go?- You'll be surprised.- Hang on.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- That is so cute!- Sweet. - Oh, that's lovely.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30You don't like vending machines? Why?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Now, the problem is,
0:14:31 > 0:14:36got this local vending machine in our local swimming pool.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40And I'm not joking, for the past five times, that I have tried
0:14:40 > 0:14:45to get a snack out of it, something disastrous has occurred.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49So, for example, the other day, I went to get a packet of crisps.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53It does get more interesting, by the way. Stick with it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58I put my money in and the crisps came off the corkscrew
0:14:58 > 0:15:03and they just got stuck, flush on the glass like that.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Had to go to the front desk in my dripping swimmers,
0:15:07 > 0:15:12plus towel, goggles on the head, and had to go to reception
0:15:12 > 0:15:14and get them to come to sort it out.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I've got a lot of other very interesting anecdotes.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I used to go to the swimming baths, back in Birmingham,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25and the vending machine,
0:15:25 > 0:15:29so many people had kicked the vending machine, it had a verruca.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Have you ever bought one of those toothbrushes which have
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- toothpaste in the toothbrush and it comes out in a ball?- Oh, yeah.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41That is ghastly. That is seriously...
0:15:41 > 0:15:45And you put the whole brush with the toothpaste coating in your mouth.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48You eat the whole brush.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53They used to have them in toilets, in... I hope it was!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I chewed them, whatever they were.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01OK, that's vending machines. What doesn't Hugh like about food and drink?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Rhubarb.- Oh, I love... - I love rhubarb.- Rhubarb.- No!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I love rhubarb.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Rhubarb, particularly this kind of rhubarb,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22which looks like my most nightmarish desert island.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- It would be called Rhubarb Island. - Rhubarb Island!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Stranded on Rhubarb Island. - When all I can eat is rhubarb.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- It's rhubarb-ADOS, Cilla.- Yeah.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:44And, my hatred of it really is twofold, really.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47It's because I had an awful lot of rhubarb as a child,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49because my parents grew rhubarb.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51And there are two things about it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54One, it is incredibly stringy.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58So is it's just got lots of strings in, a bit like celery like that.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Is not as bad as celery. - Not as bad as celery,
0:17:00 > 0:17:05but it is occasionally like eating multi-strand dental floss.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07And the other thing is, it is terrible
0:17:07 > 0:17:09if you don't have any sugar on it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14My mother was well ahead of the curve on healthy foods
0:17:14 > 0:17:19so when I was growing up, she would not really let us have sugar on it.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22So we got rhubarb which had just been gently cooked
0:17:22 > 0:17:24so as to keep the food value and then you had to eat it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Did you not have custard? I thought everyone has custard on it?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I think we just had rhubarb.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33So I would have a spoonful of rhubarb and it would make me go...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And I would say to my mother, could I have sugar and she would go,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40I think there is plenty of sugar in it. Meaning like, natural sugars.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And I would go... And she would say, it's much better for you.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I would say, are you not worried about me shaking myself to death?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Because I can't eat this. I just can't eat it. It's just awful stuff.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- And I have never been able to eat it since, really.- That's a shame.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- It is a shame.- An awful shame. I love rhubarb.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02- I even have rhubarb yoghurt.- Can you taste the rhubarb in it, though?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Yeah. There's bits of rhubarb in the yoghurt.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- I love rhubarb.- Hence why it is called rhubarb yoghurt.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15I love my mother very much. I must say that at this juncture.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- This is going to be bad, isn't it? - No, no, no. It's not really bad.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21One day, she decided she was going to cook us nettles.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26But the only nettles available in our garden were behind the shed.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29If I had been playing football in the garden,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32which I did a lot of, and I didn't want go in the house,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35behind the shed was where I went for a pee.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38So my mother served up these nettles and I was thinking,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42these are quite stringy, plus I know they have got my own urine on them.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47You really were a household that needed custard!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52No, you see, I think that when people say there are various foods
0:18:52 > 0:18:58which are Ambrosia, they are the nectar of the gods,
0:18:58 > 0:19:03rhubarb for me is food from the devil's own arse.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:15Anyway, let's have a look at the Food And Drink category.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20I think the thing is with olive oil,
0:19:20 > 0:19:25I really like it with balsamic vinegar. I think it's lovely.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Even though it doesn't do much,
0:19:27 > 0:19:32I suppose it's to balsamic vinegar what Sid Little is to Eddie Large.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34But the combination works really well
0:19:34 > 0:19:38so I don't think I can bring myself to put that in.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Rhubarb, I don't think I can allow rhubarb because it's a beautiful thing
0:19:41 > 0:19:44and I want to encourage people. It's healthy, it's good for you.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Have a bit of custard on it... - How is it healthy for you with loads and loads...
0:19:48 > 0:19:51If you have to have it with tons and tons and tons of sugar,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- how is that healthy?- Try custard.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Well, that's got loads of sugar in it. It's not yellow goodness.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Isn't it?
0:19:58 > 0:19:59I won't have that said.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04But vending machines, I think they encourage people,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07even when they have done sporty things like swim or
0:20:07 > 0:20:10physical fitness, they encourage them to eat trashy foods.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13They often don't work, they make loud noises
0:20:13 > 0:20:15and they are putting someone out of work.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18So I'm going to put vending machines into room 101.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21CHEERING
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Modern Life.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Right, what is Mel's modern life gripe?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Parent and toddler groups.
0:20:55 > 0:21:01You've got a small child, you're feeling exhausted,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04you're not getting a lot of sleep, the last thing you want to do
0:21:04 > 0:21:08is go into an overheated room which has horrible crash mats
0:21:08 > 0:21:11which smell of foot odour, usually,
0:21:11 > 0:21:17you get a horrible, silty beverage, no snacks, nothing to eat at all
0:21:17 > 0:21:21for an hour, and you have to be jolly in an enforced way.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Why do you bother trying to make your toddler
0:21:23 > 0:21:26make friends with other toddlers? We know now, they don't
0:21:26 > 0:21:29make friends until they're at least eight or nine.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32What's the point of that? I didn't make any friends when I was there.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36I was just too grumpy and too tired and I have a terrible,
0:21:36 > 0:21:41terrible memory of this parent-toddler "fun" club.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43APPLAUSE
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Do you not think, with the lack of food, it would have been the perfect place to have a vending machine?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:58 > 0:22:01A friend of mine says that his daughter, who's tiny,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04goes to a group. He said, "It's not a very interesting group,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"but it's good for catching all the main diseases."
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Oh, yes. We, we...
0:22:09 > 0:22:14I had no idea parents actually want their children to catch stuff early.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17There was a big thing, um, pox parties,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19where a mum whose child...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I've been to those, but not on purpose.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:29There's a whole other layer in these parent-toddler "fun" groups,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31which is, basically, competition.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35"Oh, so your baby hasn't got a tooth yet? Oh, dear.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38"Well, mine got a tooth, you know, two weeks ago."
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Do you know what I mean?- Yeah.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- You know, that goes on, that goes on right through.- I know.
0:22:43 > 0:22:49So I did my kids' sports day when my son was maybe seven.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I took part in my one and only fathers' race,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54but I was just, sort of, dressed normally.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- There were people in spikes.- Yes. - And, erm...- Yes.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03..with shorts, limbering up, and we... It was the 100m.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04We set off, I got 10 yards,
0:23:04 > 0:23:08and I was elbowed in the head by the man next to me.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Just ran along, deliberately just kind of went, boof.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It was crazy.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19OK. What doesn't Hugh like about modern life?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30This is, erm, this is massive charity cheques.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I've had to present these things,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36and it's kind of the impracticality of it.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Because the people giving the cheque are going, "That's fantastic,"
0:23:40 > 0:23:44and I'm thinking, "You're not going to be able to pay that in anywhere."
0:23:44 > 0:23:48No bank is ever going to accept a massive charity cheque,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52cos they haven't got massive paying in slips.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57They're quite... I mean, they're unwieldy, they're big,
0:23:57 > 0:23:58they've got sharp corners -
0:23:58 > 0:24:01that's how Pudsey lost an eye, apparently.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Banks don't even like cheques, do they?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07They're trying to get rid of cheques,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and yet we're still promoting massive cheques.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12In China - you know when you win the lottery
0:24:12 > 0:24:14you can ask for no publicity -
0:24:14 > 0:24:16in China, you can have no publicity,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19but you still have to turn up and get the cheque,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21so this is genuine, this is what happens.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, no!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27It gets worse than that.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32That's a genuine Chinese lottery winner.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37A million years ago, I was in Liberty's, you know...
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Posh shop?
0:24:38 > 0:24:45Yeah. And I was asked for my autograph by several people,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48including the shop assistant.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52And so I signed the cheque, and then she said to me,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"Have you got any form of identification?"
0:24:57 > 0:25:01I said, "I've just signed your autograph book,"
0:25:01 > 0:25:03and I still didn't say, "Do you know who I am?"
0:25:03 > 0:25:05No, thank God.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Right, what doesn't Cilla like about modern life?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Everything.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:30No, modern technology. Where do I start?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I mean, I don't like the new technology.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38The word "technology", even, really makes my blood boil.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43I mean, what are these things...? What do you have? Those...mobiles.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48- Remote control?- Mobiles, yes. I can't stand them.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I can't stand them, because people walk along the street
0:25:52 > 0:25:56and I think they're talking to me, but they're talking to the phone,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58and I'm answering them!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02You know, "What did you have for dinner?" "Well, I had so-and-so."
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And I can't stand them and, urgh, people...
0:26:07 > 0:26:09You don't have one?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- You don't have a mobile? - I do, I've got an iPhone.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14- Oh, an iPhone?- An iPhone.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Oh, and don't talk to me about the iPhone.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23I phoned a taxi by mistake and a taxi turned up outside my door
0:26:23 > 0:26:26and I just wanted to know about the weather.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31No, I don't like technology.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34So, you think we should have stopped at Etch-A-Sketch?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36What's that?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Oh, come on!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I mean, you are someone who, in the past,
0:26:40 > 0:26:44has been known to use technology for your own ends.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Oh, you're not going to show film again, are you?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50This was hi tech.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Oh.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Ooh!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Oo-o-o-oh!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:17- Naughty.- It's amazing, you seem to have lit up an Asda valentine card.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:23And you've got a Wii, is that right?
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Oh, I don't understand Wii-fis.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28LAUGHTER
0:27:28 > 0:27:33- You get these Wii-fis that do exercises...- Yes.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37- Wiis? They call them Wiis. - It's a Wii, OK.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Well, you can call it whatever you want.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Thank you very much.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- You can play golf and you can play tennis...- Brilliant.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46..what's wrong with a doorknob?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51It's a good... It's a good question.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:57No, let me explain.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01I've got several doorknobs in my kitchen
0:28:01 > 0:28:04and I jive with the doorknob.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- Oh!- That's how I get my... Ooh, try it, Mel.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- That's great.- It's fabulous!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Grab hold of a knob...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15LAUGHTER
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I was rather afraid you were going to say that.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21- And then you..?- Yeah, Steve Wright in the afternoon,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24you're bopping away. Jiving away.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26You don't need these Wii-fis.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Why don't you get out there and do it, physically?
0:28:32 > 0:28:35You can say that about any indoor game.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38If we were playing Hungry Hippos, you wouldn't say, "Get to Africa!"
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Outdoor sports aren't always as much fun...
0:28:47 > 0:28:51..as, er, as people say they are, because this is a German guy
0:28:51 > 0:28:56- who's about to go swimming on a very cold day.- Genius.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Right, look at him now, he's so full of himself.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01"Yes it's cold, but I don't care.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03"The cold won't stop me from going for a dip."
0:29:03 > 0:29:06GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Brilliant. Brilliant.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17One thing you're right about - if that had been him playing Wii,
0:29:17 > 0:29:20- it wouldn't have been as funny, would it?- No.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22So, I...
0:29:22 > 0:29:25I don't think I can put parent-toddler groups in,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28because I think it's good that people meet and catch stuff
0:29:28 > 0:29:31and share their problems.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34And, erm, if we put all technology in,
0:29:34 > 0:29:36it means that the show will close down.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39But I do think those big charity cheques,
0:29:39 > 0:29:41the cheque is dying out as a concept anyway,
0:29:41 > 0:29:43it's about time they got modernised.
0:29:43 > 0:29:48So, I am going to put big charity cheques into room 101.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51APPLAUSE
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Next category, please.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12OK, it's the wildcard round, which means there is no restraint
0:30:12 > 0:30:15at all now, it doesn't matter what the subject is,
0:30:15 > 0:30:18you can pick anything you don't like and try and get it into room 101.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21So, what is Mel's wildcard?
0:30:29 > 0:30:33People who tell you their dreams.
0:30:34 > 0:30:39I don't mean, like, "Oh, I'd love to go into space one day,"
0:30:39 > 0:30:42or, "Oh, I'd love to win a gold medal at the Olympics,"
0:30:42 > 0:30:44or those kind of dreams.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48I mean their nuts and bolts dreams that they've had.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50It's so dull.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53Do you not...? I've done this with friends,
0:30:53 > 0:30:56when someone will tell us a dream and we all sit around and try
0:30:56 > 0:30:59and work out what it means, work out the symbolism.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02- It's quite a fun thing to do. - No.- No?
0:31:02 > 0:31:06- I think it's a bit like, do you remember Catchphrase?- Catchphrase.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09It's a bit like that, because you get a few images and they say,
0:31:09 > 0:31:14"Yeah, I was in this big house and then suddenly a tiger appeared and then I..."
0:31:14 > 0:31:17CATCHPHRASE BUZZER
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Are you afraid of your wife's mother?
0:31:20 > 0:31:21That's how I...
0:31:21 > 0:31:24"It's good, but it's not right." And then on you go again.
0:31:24 > 0:31:30- So, I kind of, like dream analysis. - No, amateur dream analysis. Nah.
0:31:30 > 0:31:35One thing I am confused about is, have you ever watched a dog dream?
0:31:35 > 0:31:36The dogs do that...
0:31:36 > 0:31:39- "Bruff! Bruff!" - That's right, yeah.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41- "Bruff!"- They're chasing rabbits.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43I've been told that before,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45but my dog lived in Birmingham its whole life.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47LAUGHTER
0:31:47 > 0:31:51- Never seen a rabbit.- You do that. Humans do that, don't they?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53- I get told off all the time for doing that.- Doing what?
0:31:53 > 0:31:56- For sort of twitching. - When you dream?- Yeah.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58But what always happens at night...
0:31:58 > 0:32:01This is hell for me, can I just say? This is all hell.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04So, I'll be lying in bed and I kind of...
0:32:04 > 0:32:07I don't go "ummm" like that, but I do go...
0:32:07 > 0:32:11And I fall off things and then I sort of wake up. Do you do that?
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Oh, stop it, please!
0:32:13 > 0:32:15LAUGHTER
0:32:15 > 0:32:17- This is exactly what I'm talking about.- OK.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22OK, so what's Hugh's wildcard?
0:32:27 > 0:32:30I would really like to put Las Vegas in room 101.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32I've only been once to Las Vegas,
0:32:32 > 0:32:34and I went last summer at the end of a...
0:32:34 > 0:32:38Took the family on this long trip and went to Las Vegas.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41And I think my expectations of it were slightly wrong,
0:32:41 > 0:32:44because I thought it would be like Casino or Ocean's 11.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48But, actually, Las Vegas is sort of to me, anyway, it's a bit like
0:32:48 > 0:32:52a hybrid, a cross between a motorway service station,
0:32:52 > 0:32:55Alton Towers,
0:32:55 > 0:32:56and a cross-channel ferry.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58LAUGHTER
0:32:58 > 0:33:01You have to really embrace Las Vegas.
0:33:01 > 0:33:06The first few times I went, I didn't like it. And then I grew to love it.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10But you have to drop your irony and just embrace the place.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11Have you tried it with custard?
0:33:11 > 0:33:14LAUGHTER
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Do you know, no. I have not. I haven't.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21It's just miles and miles of, kind of, fruit machines,
0:33:21 > 0:33:24and terrible food.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26But you have to do a bit of gambling.
0:33:26 > 0:33:30- You at least you have to go on the fruit machines and stuff like that. - Yeah.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34People spend whole days, often very fat people,
0:33:34 > 0:33:38on fruit machines with a bucket of coins and they're on it all day,
0:33:38 > 0:33:41and this is the only fruit these people ever see.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45I didn't realise before I went there, that you have to walk
0:33:45 > 0:33:49through the casinos to get anywhere. But if you have kids,
0:33:49 > 0:33:53one of the rules is that you're not allowed to loiter with kids.
0:33:53 > 0:33:57They can't stop in the casino, cos it's against Nevada gaming law.
0:33:57 > 0:34:02So, that basically means I spent like three days in Las Vegas,
0:34:02 > 0:34:04walking. I could never...
0:34:04 > 0:34:05LAUGHTER
0:34:05 > 0:34:07I couldn't stop.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10The hotel we stayed in... We stayed there because it had its own beach,
0:34:10 > 0:34:13so, knackered after walking for miles and miles,
0:34:13 > 0:34:16I would go and lie on this pretend beach in the middle of the desert
0:34:16 > 0:34:21in Nevada, thinking, "Why aren't I on a beach?"
0:34:24 > 0:34:27OK, then, what is Cilla's wildcard?
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Well, knickers, really.
0:34:39 > 0:34:44Doesn't your lingerie and knickers go grey too quickly
0:34:44 > 0:34:46after you've washed them?
0:34:46 > 0:34:49- I think there's a conspiracy going on.- OK.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52I think the manufacturers make them,
0:34:52 > 0:34:56so they go grey after a certain amount of time.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59You think it's deliberately made to do that?
0:34:59 > 0:35:04I think the manufacturers do that, and I've bought from posh shops,
0:35:04 > 0:35:07right the way down to, you know...
0:35:07 > 0:35:08Liberty's?
0:35:08 > 0:35:09..everybody else goes.
0:35:11 > 0:35:15You know, I do, I buy and they're all the same.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18You're talking about white knickers?
0:35:18 > 0:35:20White knickers, that go grey after a certain amount of time,
0:35:20 > 0:35:22very... Relatively quickly.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25- They're not just see-through, are they?- Pardon?
0:35:25 > 0:35:26No!
0:35:26 > 0:35:28I'm terribly sorry!
0:35:29 > 0:35:34- You should write a book about this called 50 Shades Of Grey!- I should!
0:35:34 > 0:35:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:41 > 0:35:43I tell you what I love about this, is I used to watch you
0:35:43 > 0:35:46on Top Of The Pops in the late '60s and I used to think
0:35:46 > 0:35:49"If ever I met Cilla, I wonder what we'd talk about."
0:35:50 > 0:35:54This never crossed my mind, I must say. We have a clip here.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Chris Tarrant, you may remember,
0:35:56 > 0:36:00used to be a roving reporter before he became a big-time presenter,
0:36:00 > 0:36:04and he's interviewing women in an underwear factory,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07and can you imagine, in the modern day,
0:36:07 > 0:36:09beginning an interview like this?
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Excuse me, can I ask you what sort of undies you're wearing?
0:36:12 > 0:36:17- Er, frilly one.- Like these? - No, little bikini ones.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19When you're going out somewhere special,
0:36:19 > 0:36:21do you put a very expensive pair on?
0:36:21 > 0:36:23- No, not really.- Same old ones?
0:36:23 > 0:36:26- Yeah.- Do you wear any expensive ones from here?- No.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28- Why not?- They fall to bits.
0:36:28 > 0:36:29LAUGHTER
0:36:29 > 0:36:30Oh, my God!
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Has anyone here ever cut a pair of pants off themselves?
0:36:35 > 0:36:37- No.- OK.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39- LAUGHING:- Hold it!
0:36:39 > 0:36:43Yeah, come on, Mel, you've got to tell us.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45- Why did you do it? - I had a bit of an accident.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49OK, you had a bit of an accident.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51I had a bit of an accident and I had to cut...
0:36:51 > 0:36:55I didn't want to take the jeans off, so cut the pants out.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Please tell me someone else has done this.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00What kind of an accident did you have?
0:37:00 > 0:37:01LAUGHTER
0:37:02 > 0:37:06- Oh, come on, Cilla. - Oh, that kind of accident!
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Cilla, let's call it "a surprise, surprise."
0:37:09 > 0:37:11LAUGHTER
0:37:13 > 0:37:17Right, that comes to the end of that round, and...
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Oh, it's a toughie.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23I think, even though I occasionally do it myself,
0:37:23 > 0:37:26it can be incredibly tedious to share dreams.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30But I am slightly fascinated by dreams and what they mean,
0:37:30 > 0:37:35so I do also like it, if it's in the right context.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39Las Vegas, I do think it's something that you grow to love,
0:37:39 > 0:37:43and if you went back without the kids and just embraced it,
0:37:43 > 0:37:46I think you'd have a great time. But I cannot, I have to say,
0:37:46 > 0:37:49resist the temptation to put knickers into room 101.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Thank you.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59INAUDIBLE
0:38:06 > 0:38:09And that brings us to the end of the show. Well done, Cilla.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12You were the most persuasive guest tonight,
0:38:12 > 0:38:14so you are this week's winner!
0:38:14 > 0:38:16CHEERING
0:38:20 > 0:38:24So, thanks very much, Hugh Dennis, Mel Giedroyc and Cilla Black.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26And thank you. Good night.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd