0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:42the show in which three guests battle to get the things they hate into the dreaded room.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47Joining me are The One Show's Alex Jones, broadcaster Clive Anderson and comedian Jack Whitehall!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERING
0:00:54 > 0:00:56OK, so let's see our first category.
0:01:01 > 0:01:07Ah, the great outdoors. So what does Alex hate about the great outdoors?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- Oh, hold on!- That's me.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14No, I have to help this a little.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18SHE LAUGHS Here we go.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Yeah. It is.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35It is seagulls and, to be honest, that has happened way too many times.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37When has it happened to you?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40The most recent time, I was in the House of Lords.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Yes.- I was out on the balcony.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And it was a dinner.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49It was the first time that Christine Bleakley and I would be sitting next to each other.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- Oh, tense!- So I thought, "Make an impression."
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- Yes.- So I go out, have a little orange juice on the balcony, calm myself.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Next thing, one of these... MIMICS AIRCRAFT ENGINE
0:02:02 > 0:02:07It deposited this lumpy stuff right down my arm, down a cream coat.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- Did you see the bird?- I did see the bird. It was a massive one.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I think it might have been Adrian Chiles.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Well, we've got a special guest.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- No, we haven't.- They're scavengers.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25They're a menace on society,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28they will eat your food and then poo on you!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32They are on the edges of society, I'll give you that. They're outlaws.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37We have video evidence of this, of criminal activity.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Look at this character, right?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Outside a mini-market...
0:02:44 > 0:02:48In he goes, straight, straight to the orange Doritos!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55APPLAUSE
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Oh, look, and there's his mate going in for dips!
0:02:59 > 0:03:05The thing is, we've all stolen snacks from a mini-market, but you don't eat it right outside the shop!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- They get really big as well, you know.- Huge.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16- Enormous.- In 2002, a seagull did actually manage to kill somebody.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Are you not thinking of Steven Seagal?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- No!- They do grow. They grow enormous. Look at this.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31'Tom Steinfort, 9 News.'
0:03:31 > 0:03:37Police say they hope someone burdened with information will help solve a 27-year-old gangland murder...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- You see, they're endless fun. - Well, no.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I'd like to stick up for seagulls.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50These animals that nick our food, they're finding stuff that's there.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Foxes do it, pigeons do it, seagulls do it.
0:03:52 > 0:03:58But they're brilliant at it. I sat on the beach at Brighton eating fish and chips.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I just chucked chips into the air
0:04:01 > 0:04:03and they just plucked it out of the air like that.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05That is... Could you do that?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- No.- Let's try.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- OK.- Could you catch this in your mouth?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I think she'll do it. She's got the teeth for it.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Get ready, Alex. Don't laugh.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Oh!- It hit me right there.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26Come on, I've seen Fern Britton do this with a Black Forest gateau.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Last one.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Oh!
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Let's see what Jack Whitehall doesn't like about the great outdoors.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Glamping.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Glamorous camping.- Yes.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Because it's not a real camping experience.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51You go and stay in some luxury yurt
0:04:51 > 0:04:54and you have a lovely time and there's a bed and a stove.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56That's not how I remember camping.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Camping should be a real experience -
0:04:59 > 0:05:03five members of the family in a horrible little tent,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05fighting over the last wet wipe.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10You shouldn't wake up after a camping experience in a bed.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12You should wake up with grass stains on your knees
0:05:12 > 0:05:16and a sense that you can never look your best friend in the eye again.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- Yes.- That's camping.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- It's a life experience. - I agree with you.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26There's nothing more exciting than the sound of a zip going up and down in a dark field.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I can show you some examples.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Would you like to see the bubble tent, for example?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Look at that.- Ooh!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38It's sort of a dogging palace.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43And if you shake it, does a snowstorm happen?
0:05:43 > 0:05:48- Don't you think that's beautiful? - I think it would get really warm.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51It's a bit like sleeping in a conservatory though, isn't it?
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- Yes, but it's so difficult to travel with a conservatory.- True, true.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I would say, though, Jack...
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Would it not be fair to say that this trend is represented
0:06:03 > 0:06:05by your good self to some extent?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09You're a young, successful, well-educated man,
0:06:09 > 0:06:13but you're here tonight in your T-shirt, your hair a bit raggedy.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17You're a sort of... You're a glamp.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Whoa!- That's why I need camping
0:06:23 > 0:06:27because otherwise, when else am I going to poo in a hole in the ground?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32So what doesn't Clive like about the great outdoors?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39What is that?!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Well... Well, my...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44My selection was deer.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49But I was expecting you to produce a little model Bambi and everyone would turn against me,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52but you've combined a deer with... It might even be me,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54but I suppose it's the devil.
0:06:54 > 0:07:00I love the countryside, I love all the animals and creatures in it, but there are just too many deer.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05There's more deer now than there have ever been in this country. Maybe three million of them.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Three million?- I haven't counted them. Don't hold me to the last...
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- Three million?- Roughly.- All they need is a charismatic leader.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Maybe the Dalai "Llama".
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- Near enough. - APPLAUSE
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I don't know how you'll do it if you put the deer into Room 101,
0:07:26 > 0:07:30but one way to do it would be to reintroduce things like wolves.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35It's a good idea. We should have wolves in this country.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38They would keep the deer population down to manageable proportions.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Wouldn't they keep the human population down as well?
0:07:42 > 0:07:47- They've reintroduced beavers into Scotland recently.- That's right.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Let me guess. They did a film about it on The One Show!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I tried to stop myself, but it just came out.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59They're lovely creatures. I was photographing beavers in Scotland this year.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER Oh, yeah?
0:08:02 > 0:08:08I've got some brilliant... I've got some brilliant beaver shots I could show you.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Anyway, I'm getting off the subject.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14There are too many deer. I don't want to get rid of all of them.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19If you could put a good proportion of them in Room 101, that would be a great idea.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23One thing I found very odd was this idea that deer kidnap people.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- You know there was this series of kidnappings done by deer?- What?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- No, I didn't.- Look at this. I have evidence.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35SCREAMS
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Was that kidnapping or was it some sort of mating ritual?
0:08:45 > 0:08:50If you see the rest of it, she's bundled into the back of a sleigh and they're off!
0:08:50 > 0:08:56- Do you think you could actually kill a deer?- I just saw this programme as a mechanism
0:08:56 > 0:08:58where we can adjust the population
0:08:58 > 0:09:01without having to get too messy ourselves.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06I think I can change your mind. I have one last Exhibit A.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I have a special guest.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Usually, we have big applause for a special guest.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14But if you applaud this time, somebody might get killed,
0:09:14 > 0:09:19so can we have a very silent welcome indeed for Arthur, the deer?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Can someone get Clive a hammer?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Come on, Clive.- Can I come and say "hello"?- You can say "hello".
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- You know what we're all hoping for. - I'm sorry, Arthur.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40I didn't mean you. I didn't mean you, honestly. No, not you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44So, sorry. I'll, um...
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I withdraw my... I withdraw my offer.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Clive was just saying how much he likes eating venison.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Is he a red deer?- Yes.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58And he hasn't got his horns at the moment. Is he too young for that?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01No, he doesn't have any horns. He's castrated.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05I was about to say, he looks more of a Martha than an Arthur!
0:10:05 > 0:10:09OK, I think we can say goodbye to Arthur, but don't applaud.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Just a wave for Arthur.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I don't think that's a good idea either.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- There he goes.- Aw!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- To the BBC canteen!- Yes.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Anyway, we've come to the end of the Great Outdoors round.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31I don't feel I can put deer in, having seen one in the flesh.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- I withdraw my suggestion. - They're such beautiful things.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I get your point about seagulls and their general messiness,
0:10:39 > 0:10:44- but they are mystical creatures that I find beautiful.- Mystical?!
0:10:44 > 0:10:49I'm a fan of camping, but I do think glamping is the wrong approach
0:10:49 > 0:10:50to the whole thing. I agree with Jack.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53So I am going to put glamping into Room 101.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12It's going out, so what doesn't Jack like about going out?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18The Last Supper?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Jesus! No... - LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:23It's shared tables.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27If you look closely, Jack, you'll see why this picture is featured.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Oh, I'm in it! - LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- That's you sharing a table.- Good.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- You fit in rather well. - I fit in rather well, don't I?
0:11:36 > 0:11:40So, shared tables. When you go out to a restaurant for a night out
0:11:40 > 0:11:45and then they put you on a shared table and you have to sit next to strangers.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It's ludicrous. Where does that end?
0:11:48 > 0:11:53We're going to share seats, we're going to share the table, there'll be two people next to me.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Next, let's share food or the bill.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Before you know it, it's car keys in a bowl time. It shouldn't happen.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04It's dangerous. This as well. This is the Last Supper. This is Jesus.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08If I was next to Jesus of Nazareth at dinner, that would be quite cool.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I imagine his conversation would be interesting.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15When you go to these restaurants, you're not sat next to Jesus of Nazareth.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19You're sat next to Gareth of the Wandsworth Borough Council.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21He's not as fun. He can turn water into wine.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25All Gareth can do is turn rather bland noodles into unfeasibly smelly wind.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32It's difficult because a particular well-known restaurant that I frequent
0:12:32 > 0:12:35is one of those with the long benches,
0:12:35 > 0:12:39so I sit on one side and my girlfriend sits on the other.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41There's people sitting next to us.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And people eavesdrop.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45- Yeah.- Don't you find that?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I'll be talking to her and she'll start going...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51That means there's someone listening.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55She texts me about the people we're sitting next to.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Honestly, I was with her. I got a text that said, "Fattest neck in the world?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:06And then I had to start looking around for the fattest neck and there he was.
0:13:06 > 0:13:12It's not just the table, it's the bench thing going on where you're sat opposite your date,
0:13:12 > 0:13:18then there's a man next to you there and a man next to you there and you're being squashed down.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19You're having more intimacy with him
0:13:19 > 0:13:23than you'll end up having with your girlfriend that night.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28You're trying to get a bit of your neighbour's area. I know a man that did that. His name was Hitler.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Every time you go to one of these restaurants, you're supporting the Nazis!
0:13:34 > 0:13:39- That's the way I see it. - Well, you argue your case very well.
0:13:39 > 0:13:45I'll tell you what I do like, I like looking at other people's food as a way of choosing what to have.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It's handy, in that respect.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50But people don't like it. It's like they think you're copying.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52They start sitting like that.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59Maybe you, Frank, and you, Jack, have a particular problem because you're well-known people.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03You're saying you're sitting down and people are getting close to you.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08They might be saying, "That's Jack Whitehall. I like him in..." whatever you've been in.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:13 > 0:14:16You're not really objecting about sharing a table.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21You're objecting about sharing a planet with these people. That's the truth of it.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Anyway, let's find out what Clive doesn't like about going out.
0:14:31 > 0:14:37There's a sort of procedure or ceremony that a lot of restaurants still insist upon doing.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41If you order some wine, they'll give you a taste of it beforehand.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44It's almost like a religious ceremony.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49You're supposed to check to see if the wine has been corked or is off.
0:14:49 > 0:14:55But they do that nowadays when quite good wine is in a screw-top bottle, which is not going to be corked.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59It can be screwed, but not corked. And it's a strange thing.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04- They don't bring you little bits of food to try first.- That's true.
0:15:04 > 0:15:10It's based on the idea that in every group of people, one person is the host, so he - it could be she -
0:15:10 > 0:15:15has to make sure it's all right before his guests get to taste it.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19So corked, the idea is the cork reacts chemically with the wine?
0:15:19 > 0:15:23It can sometimes go off a bit. That's what you're detecting,
0:15:23 > 0:15:27not deciding, "Mm, yes, that is the wine that the label says it is.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29"You haven't rebottled it."
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Though it would be worth mentioning it if you thought that was the case!
0:15:33 > 0:15:39I've had it with a microwave. If someone microwaves fish and you do porridge immediately after,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"This has been fished!"
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Where it could work is in a pub when you normally do buy a round.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49There's one person buying the round.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54That person should be given each of the beers, the Diet Cokes,
0:15:54 > 0:15:55the wine to taste.
0:15:55 > 0:16:01But we don't do that. Why do we put up with this in restaurants? Why do they still do it?
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Well, there is a lot of massive snobbiness about wine.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I guess it is tied in with that.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13I used to drink the cheaper types of wine and sherry,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15basically on waste ground.
0:16:15 > 0:16:21And I... No-one ever asked me if it was corked!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24But we have a clip of Jilly Goolden,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- who is something of a wine expert. - Ah, yes.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30This doesn't bear any resemblance to any wine drinking I ever did.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33It's Tarrawingee Riesling Gewurtztraminer. Let's have a smell.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Very seductive. It's like melon balls,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40when they're all scrunched up. That gorgeous aroma.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44It's a bit like rosewater and witch hazel. Those lovely scents.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48There's a bit of patchouli. It's very heady stuff indeed.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51It really does whoosh up your nose. Very come on-ish.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53For me, it used to be more...
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Oh, I'm scenting an argument about immigration on the night bus.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:03A brick through my ex-girlfriend's window
0:17:03 > 0:17:09and I get home later with two domestic pets I've never seen before. It's a different world.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- Yeah.- The whole thing of wine is to make you look stupid.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I went to a restaurant with my girlfriend
0:17:15 > 0:17:20and the sommelier brought up the wine list on an iPad.
0:17:20 > 0:17:26He was going through it like that, showing off. And then he said, "Does Sir have any questions?"
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I was like, "Um, has this got Angry Birds on it?"
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- I don't know anything. - OK, let's look at Alex's choice.
0:17:39 > 0:17:45Yep. This is British-themed bars abroad.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47GROANS
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- Oh, the crowd! - Divided you straight away!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54You've booked your holiday, you pick your destination,
0:17:54 > 0:18:01you turn up, it's lovely, sun's out. Nice. And you're walking down the road and the first thing you see
0:18:01 > 0:18:04is like this. The Chav and Devil Dog.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Or Lineker's.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Or The Rose and Crown.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13And basically it's like, "We will show every sport event going,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16"we will only serve Guinness and Carlsberg,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20"but also we do Sunday roasts every Sunday."
0:18:20 > 0:18:25- In 85-degree heat, not sure we'll be wanting that.- Yes.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29But I tried learning a foreign language. It's impossible.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33So it is nice to have that little home from home.
0:18:33 > 0:18:40It is quite comforting, but if you wanted to spend your week or two weeks with a family from Newcastle
0:18:40 > 0:18:44or Liverpool or from Wales, you'd stay at home, wouldn't you?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48We have some pictures of pubs, so people get a sense of what these are.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50The first one is in Benidorm.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Ye Olde Pub. Lovely, lovely furniture.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57And this one from Majorca.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03This is called Trotters On The Beach.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06It's a lovely looking place!
0:19:06 > 0:19:10This is the oddest themed pub I've ever heard of.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Hitlers' Cross.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Nothing very new about that, of course! He often was.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Look, that's so disgusting.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- The apostrophe is after the S. - Exactly!- It should be before!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28APPLAUSE
0:19:30 > 0:19:34OK, well, I'm worried that the shared tables thing
0:19:34 > 0:19:38suggests a hatred of other people
0:19:38 > 0:19:43more than actual furniture arrangements. I like the idea
0:19:43 > 0:19:45that people who are homesick
0:19:45 > 0:19:49can go and be amongst their fellow countrymen and brothers.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53And I'm not sure about the whole wine ritual. I think it's outdated,
0:19:53 > 0:19:59- so I'm going to put waiters who put a little bit of wine in your glass into Room 101.- Thank you very much.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08OK, next category, please.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15People.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17What kind of people wind up Clive?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Yes. Now, it's not that they're football fans,
0:20:25 > 0:20:26it's this one, really.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31He is leaving, and in this scene he's leaving before the end of the match.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33And so many football fans do this now.
0:20:33 > 0:20:38In the olden days, football was quite a cheap activity, now it's fantastically expensive.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41You only get 90 minutes, maybe a little extra time if you're lucky,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44an extra six minutes of Alex Ferguson's managing.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49But if you went to see a film, like a whodunnit,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52and they hadn't quite established who had done the murder yet,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55and you think, "Oh, hang on, we've seen the best part of two hours.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00"If we leave now, we'll beat the rush and we will find out
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"in the paper tomorrow who actually did..."
0:21:02 > 0:21:05No-one would do that. Football fans regularly do it,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- in all sorts of circumstances. - It is very strange.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11The idea is that they're trying to miss the traffic, that's what they always say.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I go to football, I go to Arsenal. I must...
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I'm in a privileged position in that I live very nearby,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20so I can walk home, so I'm not held up by the traffic, there's not normally so many people...
0:21:20 > 0:21:25You don't want to leave early at the Arsenal or you'll miss the dessert wine.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Giving an Arsenal example, not necessarily in Arsenal's favour,
0:21:30 > 0:21:34a couple of seasons ago they were 4-0 up by the end of the first half at Newcastle.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37So obviously a fair proportion of the Newcastle fans thought,
0:21:37 > 0:21:41"We're not waiting around to see this humiliation." And they went home.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44But Newcastle scored four goals in the second half,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47so they missed seeing what, for them, was about the most exciting game...
0:21:47 > 0:21:51I love to think that the Newcastle fans used your exact wording there.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I've seen the Toon Army, like, men with no shirts on, massive tits,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56"Newcastle" tattooed across their chest.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00"Well, we're not waiting around to see this humiliation!"
0:22:02 > 0:22:03I was paraphrasing.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Yeah.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09That's the problem with Arsenal. I'm an Arsenal fan too and Arsenal fans,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I think, are some of the worst for that.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I've seen stuff at an Arsenal game that you would never see anywhere else.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I watched a game once and there was a guy behind me getting very irate
0:22:18 > 0:22:22and he stood up and shouted out the most middle-class thing I've ever heard at a football match.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25He got really angry and then went, "Oh, for Christ's sake!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28"You are so lackadaisical!"
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Doesn't work. - I was leaving West Brom once.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37We'd lost 2-0 and they announced,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41"Mr So and So, your wife has given birth to a baby boy
0:22:41 > 0:22:43"in Sandwell District Hospital."
0:22:43 > 0:22:47And this old guy sat next to me said, "Oh, the poor devil, he sat through this lot,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50"now he's got to go home and make his own tea."
0:22:50 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:54 > 0:22:55How terrible!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59OK, let's have a look at Alex's choice.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Yes. Taxi drivers...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Oh, no!- ..who don't know the way.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Ah!- You're walking home tonight.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Exactly. Never be rude about taxi drivers!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14To be honest, it might be quicker - they can never find my house.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- I'll give you a lift.- Will you?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20My mother's coming to pick me up in the Volvo.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Awkward.
0:23:25 > 0:23:31So, you know, if you're in a taxi, you know, use the time to,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I don't know, make a phone call or put some make-up on
0:23:33 > 0:23:35or whatever you do.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39And then, this bloke will open the flap of glass and say...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42"Er, where's that, then?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"Whereabouts is that?" And you're thinking, "Seriously now?"
0:23:45 > 0:23:47So you have to end your phone call
0:23:47 > 0:23:51and direct this man the rest of the way, so you're like, "Right, left...
0:23:51 > 0:23:53"No, no, the next left."
0:23:53 > 0:23:57And basically, if you're bad at left and right, like I am,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00this causes all sorts of problems and you end up having a massive bill
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- by the time you actually get there. - I think you've got a point.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Even if you're a minicab driver, you should basically know the way around.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09And I like a nice, silent journey.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Well, exactly. You don't want... And you know the button?
0:24:13 > 0:24:18The button that's got a little picture of somebody with a speech bubble coming out of its mouth.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21You never know whether it's off or on, you never know,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24so you're knocking on the glass because the man's gone...
0:24:24 > 0:24:25It's stressful!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Why don't you just chat to the drivers, you miserable people?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Make it a pleasant journey. "Hello, how you doing? What's the traffic like?"
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Do you think Clive wants a free taxi ride?- I think he does.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39I get scared in cabs because I always go in and try and hide
0:24:39 > 0:24:41this voice, when I'm around London.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46I'll go in and be like, "You all right, me guv'nor? Take me home," and try and...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- hide the fact that I'm very posh. - That's well hidden(!)
0:24:49 > 0:24:51And sometimes it goes...
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I had one the other day where it was going really well and I was really...
0:24:54 > 0:24:55He had no idea that I was posh.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00But I was talking so much that in the end he dropped me off at the staff entrance to my house
0:25:00 > 0:25:02and I felt like such a ninny.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06OK, then, what kind of people wind up Jack?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- PARTY FLUTE SOUNDS - That's good. That is good.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- It is representative of women on hen nights.- Yes.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21ALEX GASPS
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Oh...- I...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25OK, have fun on your hen night,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28but I've realised, as a young, vulnerable man,
0:25:28 > 0:25:33I am the natural prey of the hen and they terrify me.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Like, I was on a train recently from Manchester to London
0:25:37 > 0:25:40and they all came on, it was a big group
0:25:40 > 0:25:43and they were very bawdy and they were drinking and shouting
0:25:43 > 0:25:47and it was the only time I've ever felt sorry for the ticket man.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51He was coming down and a woman cocked her leg on the table
0:25:51 > 0:25:54and attempted to use her noony as fare.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59She was like, "Oi! Will this get me to London?"
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I was like, "I doubt that would get you to Stockport."
0:26:04 > 0:26:08And there's so many contradictions as well with hen nights.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Like, I've seen an L-plate on a pregnancy bump.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14How does that work? And angel wings.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17There's always one person in the group with angel wings
0:26:17 > 0:26:19and every time you see someone with angel wings,
0:26:19 > 0:26:23it's always the person that looks the least likely ever to become airborne.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Do you feel, Jack,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33that people are enjoying themselves on a hen? It always looks to me
0:26:33 > 0:26:35like they're having a terrible time
0:26:35 > 0:26:37but trying to pretend that they're having a great time.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Yeah, there's a lot of aggression as well, isn't there?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I was walking down the street with my dad once
0:26:43 > 0:26:46and there was a hen party and they shouted over at us,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48"Get your willy out!"
0:26:48 > 0:26:51And I was like, "What? I'm with my dad.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53"You're perpetuating a bad stereotype,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55"behaving appallingly in public, everyone's looking.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57"You shouldn't..." I said all of this.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Admittedly, my argument was somewhat nullified by the fact
0:27:00 > 0:27:03that my dad had got his willy out by that point.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06OK, well, look...
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I know what you mean about hen nights.
0:27:11 > 0:27:17They are terrifying people, but it is, I suppose, a bit of a tradition
0:27:17 > 0:27:19and I like particularly about them
0:27:19 > 0:27:21that there's a mixing of the generations,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Mum goes along, Auntie and you see Granny there and stuff
0:27:25 > 0:27:28and I like that, that's quite a rare thing.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- And Alex...- Yeah.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I quite like the adventure of being in a cab with someone
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- who doesn't know their way. - Expensive adventure.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37But they're both...
0:27:37 > 0:27:41On any other round, I think both of those could've possibly have got
0:27:41 > 0:27:45into Room 101, but I am so, so very anti
0:27:45 > 0:27:49people leaving football matches early that I have to say that,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51without any doubt...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Oh, they've left early!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06OK, next category, please.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Yes, it's the Wildcard round, which means you have no restraints.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17OK, so what's Alex's Wildcard?
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Yeah, it's people who watch the same film over and over again.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29It's a waste of your life.
0:28:29 > 0:28:34OK. Is there no film you've seen three or four times?
0:28:34 > 0:28:36There are exceptions to the rule...
0:28:36 > 0:28:38- Ah!- Ah!
0:28:38 > 0:28:42..in the form of Titanic.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- Hang on! - The longest film ever!
0:28:45 > 0:28:46That's a big commitment.
0:28:46 > 0:28:51I know. Good effort, eh? It was when it came out in the cinema and I did like Leonardo DiCaprio.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54- But I've learned from my mistake since then.- Yes.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55But this is, more or less...
0:28:55 > 0:28:59It's basically saying... This is what I hate about my boyfriend.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02His favourite film is Shawshank Redemption.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- Mm, another long film. - Good film.- Stupid film.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08If I was your boyfriend, we could watch Marley and Me every night.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11LAUGHTER
0:29:11 > 0:29:15- Mamma Mia. Love it.- Yes. - Dirty Dancing.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- All the greats.- Beaches.
0:29:18 > 0:29:23- Aww!- It makes me cry every time. - Every time!
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Oh...
0:29:26 > 0:29:28- A bar of chocolate.- Lovely.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30- Get into our onesies.- Yeah.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Popcorn in a bowl. Oh, dream.
0:29:33 > 0:29:34See?
0:29:34 > 0:29:38I don't want to be sexist, Frank, but I do think this is a trait
0:29:38 > 0:29:41- that comes out more in men.- They like seeing things again and again.
0:29:41 > 0:29:46- And they can quote from films. - Like Star Wars.- Yeah!
0:29:46 > 0:29:50I met a bloke in Wolverhampton who'd seen Star Wars 112 times.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54- For God's sake! - And he still hadn't got through all the reading at the beginning.
0:29:57 > 0:30:04There are films I've seen like 30 or 40 times, but they're not films we could show clips from.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06LAUGHTER
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Eventually you memorize them and then you leave them in a hedge.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15That did used to be where you found things, in hedges, wasn't it?
0:30:15 > 0:30:18- It did. What happened to that? - It was a proud tradition.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22Yeah, what happened to the whole tradition of privet pornography?
0:30:22 > 0:30:25They don't know now, young people, it's all on the internet.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28There's probably loads of it in there, left uncollected.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29What are you doing after?
0:30:32 > 0:30:33Starting a hedge fund!
0:30:40 > 0:30:44I think in an age where one in three marriages end in divorce,
0:30:44 > 0:30:48there's something very loyal about someone who watches the same film.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- I love that.- Is it not more special to watch something new together?
0:30:51 > 0:30:53You can watch new films as well,
0:30:53 > 0:30:57but there's something very comforting about the same old movie.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00No! You know you're in a rut when that happens.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03That's what I was saying to Arthur earlier.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Let's have a look at Clive Anderson's Wildcard.
0:31:14 > 0:31:19This is not One Direction. The concept here is
0:31:19 > 0:31:24that you can never go and see anything spontaneously any more. Everybody's booked up in advance.
0:31:24 > 0:31:29Just going to see a play or concert or even getting a railway ticket.
0:31:29 > 0:31:35I think we must all band together because this is all done by people saying, "I'll fit in with this."
0:31:35 > 0:31:41If we all say, "No, we're going to buy on the day. We're all going to turn up on the day to see the film,
0:31:41 > 0:31:47"to get on the train," the prices would have to be adjusted down for OUR convenience,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50not for the convenience of vast mega-corporations
0:31:50 > 0:31:53who have got us by the throat. Thank you very much.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55APPLAUSE
0:31:58 > 0:32:03I kind of respect the enthusiasm of people who keep an eye out
0:32:03 > 0:32:06when their favourites are on tour
0:32:06 > 0:32:10and they know when the next Batman movie's opening. I've done that,
0:32:10 > 0:32:14- keep an eye out for the next Batman movie.- What about aeroplanes?
0:32:14 > 0:32:18If you want a cheap airline ticket, you book well in advance.
0:32:18 > 0:32:24That depends on you knowing when you want to go and having a regular lifestyle. Mine isn't.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26I feel penalised...
0:32:26 > 0:32:30What are you? Some kind of reckless rock'n'roll animal?!
0:32:30 > 0:32:35- "I'm off to Florida today! Let's do it!"- Disorganised.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37OK, what is Jack's Wildcard?
0:32:43 > 0:32:48- It is metrosexuals. Overly-preened men...- OK.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52..who take massive amounts of time over their personal appearance.
0:32:52 > 0:32:58Oh, is that what a metrosexual is? I thought it was somebody who got up to dodgy things on the Underground!
0:33:04 > 0:33:07I just don't think... We're tricked into it as well.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09They're trying to make it manly.
0:33:09 > 0:33:14You buy moisturiser for men and it's called Face Fuel
0:33:14 > 0:33:17so that we buy it and use it, but I don't want that.
0:33:17 > 0:33:22I want to get to...old age, like yourselves...
0:33:22 > 0:33:27No, I mean and have a face that looks like it's been lived in.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Like I've done some stuff.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33I don't want to have a baby face when I'm in my 40s.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36I want it to look like Alan Sugar's scrotum.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42That's most unfair on Alan Sugar.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45If you'd seen it before he put the moisturiser on it...
0:33:47 > 0:33:49..it was much, much worse!
0:33:49 > 0:33:51I should imagine.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55But you're almost the definition of a metrosexual.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58- You are a metrosexual! - I don't want to be a metrosexual!
0:33:58 > 0:34:00- You are one!- I know!
0:34:00 > 0:34:04You sound like my dad now! I don't want that. I want to be a man!
0:34:04 > 0:34:07I look at my idols, like men...that I look up to.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09LAUGHTER
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Yeah, but I don't want, like, you know,
0:34:12 > 0:34:16I don't want Cristiano Ronaldo or David Beckham.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20I want...Ben Fogle. Someone like that. A proper man.
0:34:20 > 0:34:25I think what you need is parenthood. That tends to sort it out.
0:34:25 > 0:34:30Since becoming a parent, my idea of looking smart is only having sick on one shoulder.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34Would you ever wear a mankini?
0:34:34 > 0:34:37- Oh, no! - I don't think he's asking you!
0:34:37 > 0:34:40LAUGHTER
0:34:42 > 0:34:44- There we are.- There you go. - Yeah. See?
0:34:44 > 0:34:49There's an element of soap on a rope about that, isn't there?
0:34:49 > 0:34:51What I do, I don't want to buy a mankini
0:34:51 > 0:34:56so I just put my arms through the legs in my Y-fronts.
0:34:56 > 0:34:57And it ends up like that.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04Your beard, by the way, I would say, with all due respect,
0:35:04 > 0:35:06is a metrosexual beard, isn't it?
0:35:06 > 0:35:10That could be more shaped. I keep it quite bushy.
0:35:10 > 0:35:16I used to have a beard. I grew a beard because I was too drunk to shave. This was mine.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19LAUGHTER
0:35:19 > 0:35:22If you had a programme called Beard Swap,
0:35:22 > 0:35:25we could find out how I'd look with a lovely, neat beard
0:35:25 > 0:35:27and how you'd look with mine.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30# Beard Swap, Beard Swap
0:35:30 > 0:35:34# Look at them changing beards. #
0:35:39 > 0:35:40You're fired!
0:35:44 > 0:35:47# I dreamed a dream of time gone by... #
0:35:50 > 0:35:52APPLAUSE
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Thank you!
0:36:03 > 0:36:05It looks great!
0:36:07 > 0:36:08Can I keep it and go home in it?
0:36:11 > 0:36:15Aaargh! It took the last-remaining real hair with it.
0:36:15 > 0:36:20I think, Jack, it's nice that men like Clive
0:36:20 > 0:36:23- are looking after themselves a bit more these days.- I'm not!
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Better, better!
0:36:32 > 0:36:33You all right, honey?
0:36:33 > 0:36:37But you must use something. What's your morning routine?
0:36:37 > 0:36:40- Don't ask him that! - LAUGHTER
0:36:42 > 0:36:46You know I do a show with Freddie Flintoff, the cricketer,
0:36:46 > 0:36:48who is training to become a boxer.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51And we were filming this show over a course of weeks
0:36:51 > 0:36:53and he kept saying, "Jack, you've got to come down for a spar
0:36:53 > 0:36:57"at some point," and I kept saying, "Yeah, I would love that."
0:36:57 > 0:37:02I subsequently found out he's training to be a boxer, sparring is when you punch someone in the ring.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04I genuinely thought he wanted me
0:37:04 > 0:37:07and him to go off to a nice hotel somewhere and get face masks.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10Yeah!
0:37:10 > 0:37:13You've really entered into this. God bless you.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17I don't know what I put on my face. It's hair gel and something else.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19It's really beginning to sting.
0:37:19 > 0:37:24We need to move on. You could well be blind soon.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26- LAUGHTER - So, look...
0:37:26 > 0:37:30I think metrosexuality isn't such a bad thing
0:37:30 > 0:37:32if it stops men from smelling
0:37:32 > 0:37:36- and being horrible.- Yep!- And... - Yeah, Frank, in your own time(!)
0:37:36 > 0:37:39- Like, honestly... - LAUGHTER
0:37:39 > 0:37:44I think that booking things in advance is quite an enthusiastic and keen thing
0:37:44 > 0:37:48and although I do watch films over and over, I am going to put
0:37:48 > 0:37:53Alex's people who watch films over and over again into Room 101.
0:37:53 > 0:37:54Thank you!
0:38:03 > 0:38:06OK, that brings us to the end of the show.
0:38:06 > 0:38:11Well done, Clive. You were the most persuasive guest tonight
0:38:11 > 0:38:14- so you are this week's winner. - Oh, thank you very much.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17I didn't know there was a winner, but I'll be it.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21Thanks very much, Jack Whitehall, Clive Anderson and Alex Jones.
0:38:21 > 0:38:22And thank you. Good night!
0:38:37 > 0:38:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd