0:00:35 > 0:00:39Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43The show where three guests compete to cast their biggest gripes
0:00:43 > 0:00:45deep into the gloomy vault.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Joining me tonight are, from BBC Breakfast, Bill Turnbull,
0:00:48 > 0:00:52actor and comedian Ben Miller and comedian and actor, Jo Brand.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Let's have our first category.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11It's fashion.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13So who should we turn to first? Obviously Bill.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15What is Bill's fashion hate?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:36- Low-slung jeans.- Hm!- Apparently it's also known as sagging.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Is that right?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Yeah, stems allegedly from the American prison system, where
0:01:41 > 0:01:44they weren't allowed to wear belts, so their trousers drooped a bit,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46and then it was taken over by the rappers
0:01:46 > 0:01:50and hip hop movement about 20 years ago and has since spread to
0:01:50 > 0:01:51everybody else.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I'm all for people expressing themselves in a fashion way
0:01:55 > 0:01:59if they want to, but this is a step too far.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Or rather, a step too low, as far as I'm concerned,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05cos for me it's just sloppy. And, er,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07one of my sons has started doing it as well.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I just can't stand the idea of him
0:02:09 > 0:02:11slopping around the house with his trousers halfway down.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13It just doesn't work for me.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18We have an example of youth in a pair of these low-slung...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20AUDIENCE: Eurgh!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23You see, you can't walk properly wearing those,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27and then you could do yourself a serious injury as well.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- JO:- But they're gravity-defying, because the guy on the right,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33surely they are just about to fall down.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36No, cos when you're a teenager you've got a natural hook.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- LAUGHTER - Is that right?
0:02:47 > 0:02:52However, they can have some surprising good purposes.
0:02:52 > 0:02:58This is an American gentleman who's decided to rob an off licence.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01And this is CCTV footage.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04He parks the car and he's in his groovy low-slung jeans,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and goes in - a man on a mission.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:19OK, what is Jo's fashion hate?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Um, my fashion hate is extraordinarily expensive
0:03:31 > 0:03:34high-heeled designer shoes.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37For so many reasons.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Let's hear a few.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Well, first of all, the ridiculous price they are.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46And expecting anyone that isn't posh to buy a pair,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I think is outrageous.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53If you're talking Manolo Blahniks or Louboutin,
0:03:53 > 0:03:54they come in, you know, up to...
0:03:54 > 0:03:58I think the most expensive pair was 20 grand.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02But, you know, roughly a grand, you know,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05500 to a grand for a pair of shoes.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I just think it's outrageous. I just want to demonstrate
0:04:09 > 0:04:13as well... I think they're dangerous.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Like, this is me with my sad old working men's boots.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Walking home from the pub, OK?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Behind me is a rather scary looking man.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I do this.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26OK?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Now, this is a woman in Louboutins walking home from the pub.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Scary man.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:38It's true, you cannot run in them.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Yeah, but you don't need to run,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42cos the men have their trousers round their knees!
0:04:42 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Also, I don't know if you're aware, every year in Moscow,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51they have a high-heels race.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Let's have a look at it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Oh, my God! - Maybe you were right, Jo.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I just...I couldn't stand to lose...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14HIGH HEELS TAPPING
0:05:16 > 0:05:19It's one of the most feminine sounds, I think.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22That recording you just played, I've heard that before.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24That's Ann Widdecombe walking down the street.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:32 > 0:05:36But everything that women wear is pretty grim in terms of comfort,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39isn't it? I mean, it's not like... are the shoes the worst bit?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Because...
0:05:41 > 0:05:42I mean...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:47It all looks pretty uncomfortable to me!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I mean, it's great, don't get me wrong. It's brilliant.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53You know those spiky dog leads with the...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55they look so uncomfortable.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58And those gags, they don't look nice at all.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Those balls that fix into the...
0:06:01 > 0:06:05And you know those the things that come round the back of the...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07They look really uncomfortable.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Yeah, I mean, my gimp suit that I have to wear
0:06:09 > 0:06:14- on my wedding anniversaries... - Exactly.- Very uncomfortable and hot.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18OK, what is Ben's fashion pet hate?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Frank, I want to put in shoelaces.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32I've never been able to tie shoelaces. I don't...
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I don't understand how you do a bow. I've tried it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40They tried to teach me at school. I think it's an insane system.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45What I love is, Ben is actually telling the truth here, aren't you?
0:06:45 > 0:06:50- Yeah.- I love it.- No, I am. I can't tie shoelaces and, um...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I mean, I know you hold one thing in a little...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55What do you do with that other bit of string?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58You loop that round, you pull that through something... It seems ridiculous.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01And I can't get with it. I could never understand it.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It seems far too complicated.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07And as a result, I've got my own system.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Oh.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13It's quite a boring system.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Yes, it's quite... LAUGHTER
0:07:19 > 0:07:21It's not foolproof as a system.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25So you take the one lace like that, loop...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Second lace, loop...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30bend like that...bow.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33APPLAUSE
0:07:33 > 0:07:34That's much easier.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36It does come undone immediately,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39so you have to tie it a couple more times like that.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I'll tell you actually one great thing you can do.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45When I was a nurse I used to live with two doctors
0:07:45 > 0:07:47and they were tired a lot of the time
0:07:47 > 0:07:50and they would fall asleep in front of the telly when they got in.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54And so once, I couldn't resist it, I tied their shoelaces together,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and it's so brilliant when they get up,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01because you kind of go like that really loudly and they go...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:14OK, then. This is a tricky one.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19I'm loath to put in designer shoes, Jo, and I'll tell you why.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Although they are bad for you, they make a lot of women
0:08:23 > 0:08:24very, very happy.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29And I do find them absolutely hilarious, those low-slung jeans,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33but people laughed at us when we dressed in our silly flares
0:08:33 > 0:08:35and all that sort of stuff.
0:08:35 > 0:08:42So I think shoelaces, if you don't really get it, it's a tough thing,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45so I think, yes, it's tricky,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48but I am going to put shoelaces into Room 101.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51APPLAUSE
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Blimey, it's transport!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14So what is Jo's transport gripe?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24My transport gripe is rude drivers.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I do all the driving in my family
0:09:26 > 0:09:29because my husband never learned to drive.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31In my opinion.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37The thing that really gets to me, when I get most angry
0:09:37 > 0:09:41and when I do fight back is that thing where you...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43there's only enough room for one car
0:09:43 > 0:09:46and there's a car coming towards you, so you pull in
0:09:46 > 0:09:47and let them through.
0:09:47 > 0:09:53And if they don't sort of go, "Thanks," it drives me mental.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55If you thank someone, what do you do?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Do you flash the lights or do you do the little...?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I do the little...like that.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01But I flash the lights at night,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04cos obviously they can't see you going...
0:10:04 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:09I find that when people are crossing the zebra crossing as well,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13some people will do the nod and some people will do the thumbs-up,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16and some people will just ignore you, so there's a lot of it about.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Do you know what the people are called that ignore you?
0:10:19 > 0:10:20They're called men.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Jo!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27SOME BOOING
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I stopped for a... what looked like a hen party.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31It was about one o'clock in the morning,
0:10:31 > 0:10:36and they all crossed quite slowly across the zebra crossing,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39and then one girl turned and just held her top up.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41She had a bra on and stuff, but...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43It's all right. And, er...
0:10:43 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I think for about three weeks after,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48if anyone on a zebra crossing went...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I thought, "Is that it?"
0:10:50 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:54But you wouldn't say, would you,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58that it's just men who are rude drivers?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Oh, no, not at all.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03You know, I've had a fair number of road rage incidents.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- When you've been the one who's enraged?- Yeah.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09But also I've caused it as well a couple of times.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh, yes, indeedy.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:16The thing is, I have been chased in the past by other cars. I once...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I was coming home from a Labour Party do once
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and I was being followed by this car, so I went
0:11:26 > 0:11:29in and out of these little roads, and it was still following me.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33And I thought, "I'm going to do what spies do."
0:11:33 > 0:11:37So I got up to the lights, I indicated left and so did he behind,
0:11:37 > 0:11:42and just as I got to the turn, I swerved right across four lanes
0:11:42 > 0:11:44and went off in that direction.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48And he couldn't chase me because he'd started to go left.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51It was really good fun, but don't do it at home.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54You crossed four lanes of traffic without indicating,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56and you wonder why people are rude to you on the road?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Well, I'm glad you're not just laying it on men cos I've had
0:12:01 > 0:12:03women scream at me when I've been driving...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- Of course.- I've had to ask them to get out of the car.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:13OK, then. So what does Bill not like about the world of transport?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Oh!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:25A popular choice.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29It's middle-lane drivers on the motorway.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32What is that about, do you think?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Well, it's about just sitting in that middle lane,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38comfortably going at 60, 55, 70mph,
0:12:38 > 0:12:43with space to either side of you, saying, "I'm safe here.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44"I'm doing up to the speed limit.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47"And if you overtake me, you're breaking the law.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49"So you can just jolly well sit there."
0:12:49 > 0:12:53It's a nice, comfy place to be, it just rather gets in the way.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I really don't understand what it's about. I was, er...
0:12:56 > 0:13:00when I first learned to drive, a woman -
0:13:00 > 0:13:02it just happened to be a woman - said to me...
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- LAUGHTER - "Have you been on the motorway yet?"
0:13:04 > 0:13:06And I said, "I haven't been on the motorway.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"I'm a bit nervous about it." She said, "I'll give you a tip.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"Once you're on, get into the middle lane,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"and then just stay there until you have to get off.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"It takes all the decision making out of it.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20"You can just relax and enjoy it."
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- People think it's safer.- Yeah. - But actually...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I haven't got to worry about changing lanes.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28But if you change lanes, it gives you something to think about on the motorway.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Otherwise you get a bit bored.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I find that really annoying.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36When the cars go constantly from one lane to another.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Are you one of those people who's constantly changing...always
0:13:39 > 0:13:41moving to the inside lane?
0:13:41 > 0:13:42If there's a reasonable space, I get over.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Because that frees up space for other people, like yourself,
0:13:46 > 0:13:47or probably Frank.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oooh, lads!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51LAUGHTER
0:13:51 > 0:13:52I'll tell you what I do do.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55If there's someone sitting in the middle lane,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I'll do that thing of overtaking on the outside
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and then veering right across them back in the middle lane.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Yeah, I do that. - As an instructional moment.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- This is where you should be. - Making your point.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And what I've started doing over the last couple of years is,
0:14:08 > 0:14:13as I go across, I hit the windscreen washer, so they get sprayed.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:18 > 0:14:19I'll do the same thing
0:14:19 > 0:14:22if a man's standing alone in the middle of three urinals.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Or I'll get really close behind him and start flashing.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:34They're often not aware you're behind them
0:14:34 > 0:14:36trying to get past either, I don't think.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37To be honest, I reckon most of us
0:14:37 > 0:14:40have done it at some point or another, haven't we?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Sat in... come on, you know you have!
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Definitely not.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Really?- No, I don't think...
0:14:45 > 0:14:50I was with someone who did it once, and, erm...
0:14:50 > 0:14:53and she, er...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Yay!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59..she didn't seem to notice that there was all these horns blasting.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02It was like being in a presidential motorcade.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Cars both sides of us, lights flashing, horns - I was terrified!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:09So, what is Ben's transport hate?
0:15:10 > 0:15:15WHIRRING
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Other pedestrians.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:24You see, we've been talking about the roads, haven't we?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26And transport on the roads.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30But there is a much bigger problem, Frank, which is...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33our pavements are...chaos!
0:15:33 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER
0:15:34 > 0:15:37You cannot walk safely on a pavement.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40People don't know what they're doing. They don't know how to use it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45You'll be walking along a pavement and somebody will stop immediately in front of you
0:15:45 > 0:15:49for no reason whatsoever and there will be a mass pile-up.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER
0:15:50 > 0:15:55OR...they will suddenly swerve and look into a shop immediately in front of you,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58that they showed NO interest in whatsoever,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01even, perhaps, five milliseconds before.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Or, suddenly veer from looking at the shops
0:16:03 > 0:16:05straight across the pavement and cross the road.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07AUDIENCE MEMBER: "Yay!"
0:16:07 > 0:16:09GENERAL APPLAUSE
0:16:12 > 0:16:14What we need...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17What we need is some sort of system,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20because what we've got is unworkable.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:26What I'm suggesting is a lane system.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:34This way we can...start enjoying our lives again, Frank.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I love the idea of people seeing dog excrement
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and having to indicate.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Pulling into another lane.
0:16:50 > 0:16:56I tell you what, I wear these headphones when I'm out walking.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58And, er... with these...
0:16:58 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:02 > 0:17:05If I decide I'm going to turn right...
0:17:05 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Or if I have a nervous breakdown.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:25I have to say, I walk a lot. I am a very keen pedestrian.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30And I know exactly what... That thing of suddenly stopping.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32What are they doing?! What are they doing?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Or people will stand talking to a friend in the middle of the busiest...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37In the middle of the pavement.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Which is clearly for fast-moving traffic.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I tell you my idea. Could you stand here, Ben. With your back to me.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45And I'll tell you what... I came up with a theory.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Let's imagine you're standing... Don't look at me!
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Let's imagine that you're standing talking to a friend, right.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Once you've been there, I think, more than five minutes,
0:17:58 > 0:17:59I come in with this.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I won't leave you there. You could be towed away!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- That'd be perfect.- And I would say thank you, Frank!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Because you've taught me something.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19You've taught me something about how to behave on a pavement.
0:18:19 > 0:18:25Actually, what I think is, we could nominate marshalls.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29The clamping things a great idea, but tasers would also be good.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:36- I'd go with tasers.- You simply take them down! Sudden stop? You go down!
0:18:39 > 0:18:45Well, I must say you've all argued your cases incredibly well.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I don't think anybody likes rude drivers,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51but I feel that I am one, to some extent.
0:18:51 > 0:18:57- And I think you are as well, Jo. - All right.- So, we're all guilty.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00And if I put us all in, then that's going to be the show over already.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04People who drive in the mid-lane, I do hate.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08But I also get quite a lot of pleasure from baiting them.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:15But, this is such a close round, but I have so, so, strong a feeling
0:19:15 > 0:19:18about pedestrians who don't know how to be pedestrians...
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I am going to put other pedestrians into Room 101.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26APPLAUSE
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Righto, it's People. What sort of people wind Jo up?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56SOME GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:20:00 > 0:20:04People who have personalised number plates,
0:20:04 > 0:20:08because first of all, they could just have a one size fits all
0:20:08 > 0:20:12that says, "Donkey". And...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I bet you've cleaned that one up a bit, haven't you?
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Yeah, I wasn't allowed to say "tosser" or "wanker". So...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I just think these are all about flaunting your wealth,
0:20:28 > 0:20:32again, which is not my favourite thing to see.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36It's drawing attention to yourself.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I must, actually... years ago, I was driving through central London.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45and this huge flash American car pulled up next to me at the lights,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48it was brown and it had gold lettering on it.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52And I looked across and it said, "PD" in big, gold letters,
0:20:52 > 0:20:57which, as a psychiatric nurse, means "personality disorder".
0:20:57 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:01But I looked at the driver,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04and there was Paul Daniels waving back at me.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Like that. It's not magic. Piss off.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I'm a little edgy about this, because I...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Have you got one?- I have one.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:16 > 0:21:17And...
0:21:19 > 0:21:21..my car's been on telly quite a lot of times,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24so you might actually recognise my number plate.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:30 > 0:21:32No, no, it's not that one.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34No, this is my one.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40It's not that inventive, but,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42you know, I've got a lot on my plate.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Yes, I don't really have one.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49But I have to say that sometimes I like to spot them
0:21:49 > 0:21:50and they sort of cheer me up,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53because some of them are quite funny and inventive.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57This is a genuine example. I live on the River Thames,
0:21:57 > 0:22:03and I pass a double garage along the Thames on a regular basis,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06and there are two cars parked in this garage,
0:22:06 > 0:22:10and this is a photo that I took with my phone, and this is genuine.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Those are the two cars.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Now, I like that. That is funny. I like that.- It is brilliant.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21But it must be quite hard driving along together all the time.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Should I stop running my keys along the side of them, then?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Oh, no, don't stop that!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33If that was an available number plate, that one,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36and say tonight I said, "You can have this for free, Jo,"
0:22:36 > 0:22:38what would you do? Would you have it?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I'd give it to someone I didn't like.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44And then someone might think it was me, and if they hated me,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46they might vandalise the car.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:53OK. So what kind of people doesn't Ben like?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54WHIRRING
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I don't like friends' friends.
0:23:06 > 0:23:11I mean, I find it hard enough to get on with my friends anyway.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14LAUGHTER
0:23:14 > 0:23:18It's such hard work. You have to put such an immense amount of effort in.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20You have to be the best person you can be, you have to be kind,
0:23:20 > 0:23:24you have to be considerate, you have to listen. You have to be...
0:23:24 > 0:23:26you have to be a very selfless person,
0:23:26 > 0:23:31and I simply can't extend that to their friends.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Who I...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36..really don't like at all.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It can be irritating when a friend of a friend...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44they share an in-joke. So they say,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"Do you remember that guy who couldn't tie his shoelaces?"
0:23:47 > 0:23:49That sort of thing, and they laugh hilariously.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:52 > 0:23:53It's true!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58It's the effort involved.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I feel like I'm using up a bit of my soul,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04something very precious that's inside of me
0:24:04 > 0:24:07that I've only got so much of,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and I'm spending it, I'm spending it,
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I'm spending it with people I really can't stand,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15and worse of all, I've got to be nice to them.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17That's what I find really...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Being nice is absolutely exhausting.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23How do you ever make new friends, then?
0:24:23 > 0:24:24I haven't got any friends.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I've only got Dave, and I really don't like him much.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Have you ever thought of going into social work?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37OK. What people wind up Bill?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39WHIRRING
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Oh.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48This is a slightly pernickety one, but I don't like
0:24:48 > 0:24:53people who can't tell the difference between bees and wasps.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:02 > 0:25:06You see here? This is a bee.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09And this is a wasp.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Yes.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11It's a wasp.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- The two...- I knew that, Bill!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16No, but for the benefit of people at home,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18they are very, very different.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21They are, in fact, mortal enemies.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24When a bee meets a wasp, they fight to the death.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25- Is that true?- Yes.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30I know this because I happen to keep bees in my spare time.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34And beekeepers hate wasps, because wasps are always trying
0:25:34 > 0:25:36to get into the hive to steal the honey,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39especially at the end of the summer.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- The wasps steal the bees' honey? - They do.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Are you sure you haven't got them mixed up with bears?- No...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Can I just say, to be fair,
0:25:48 > 0:25:52that is the whole game the wasp is into.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55The wasp is imitating the bee.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I can't blame people for not being able to tell the difference.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03That is the wasp's plan.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:09He's right, though. He's right, Bill.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12They do the voice and everything.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I've got... have you seen these?
0:26:18 > 0:26:22This is a thing for kids, really, but believe me,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26adults can use it too. It's called a Watch-A-Bug,
0:26:26 > 0:26:30and the idea is that - commercially available -
0:26:30 > 0:26:34you catch something, a bee or a wasp,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37and you keep it.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41You put it on this platform and you keep it under that little grid.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Why?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Well...
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Let's imagine you were out and you got mugged.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Person heading towards you, and you say,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56"OK, OK. If that's what you want... go on! Go on!"
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Off they go. It's a little bit like
0:27:01 > 0:27:04the sort of working class version of falconry.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10No, it's a real thing, and you put it in there,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13and you can study the insects.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I'll tell you something, this is one woman, Bill,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18that I really don't think you should go out with.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19There's no mistake.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21We've got to call the police now.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Now, Mary, you're just getting a little excited.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Who could possibly want to hurt Mr Cooper?
0:27:29 > 0:27:30I don't know.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32What abou...?
0:27:34 > 0:27:35SHE SCREAMS
0:27:46 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER
0:27:48 > 0:27:50She obviously had high heels on,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52cos she was completely useless at running away.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:02OK, so we come to the end of the People round.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Well, it's a tricky one. I mean, the friends' friend thing,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10I know it can be a horrible, awkward social situation.
0:28:10 > 0:28:15Personalised number plates often are owned by complete prats,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18but they can make me laugh, and I do like to spot them.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I love a celebrity spot.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21I'll tell you what - I am...
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I think Bill's won me over.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I am going to put people who can't tell the difference
0:28:25 > 0:28:28between bees and wasps into Room 101.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:40 > 0:28:42OK, let's have the next category.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Ah, now, this is the Wildcard round.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52So the gloves are off now. There are no limitations.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54You can have anything that you don't like in this round.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57So, what's Jo's wildcard?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00WHIRRING
0:29:04 > 0:29:05It's vampire films.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Oh, no...!
0:29:07 > 0:29:09CLAPPING
0:29:11 > 0:29:15The problem with vampire films is they're SO boring.
0:29:15 > 0:29:20Because they've got a lot of people being bitten in the neck,
0:29:20 > 0:29:23and you get slightly bored with that after a while,
0:29:23 > 0:29:29and they've kind of skimped on character, plot, atmosphere...
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Pretty much anything you can think of.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35This is a difficult one for me, cos you know I love you, Jo,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37but I do love a vampire film.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41Well, give me five reasons why you love a vampire film
0:29:41 > 0:29:45and I will accept, that I am not even going to get a point today.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47I think it encourages people to read books -
0:29:47 > 0:29:49they often go and read the original book.
0:29:49 > 0:29:54It encourages them to write. OK, on their forearm with a compass, but...
0:29:54 > 0:29:58LAUGHTER
0:29:58 > 0:30:02And there are a lot of people that it is absolutely at the centre of their universe.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04The vampire movie genre.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08We have a woman here - this woman filmed herself watching
0:30:08 > 0:30:14the trailer for Breaking Dawn Part 2 which is one of the Twilight series.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18She filmed herself because she wanted to capture that moment
0:30:18 > 0:30:19when she first saw it.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23And I think this shows to me what love and passion is all about.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26Here we go.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Oh, no, pause, nuh-uh!
0:30:29 > 0:30:32I can't... Mm-mm. Mm-mm. I can't.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Once I've watched it, that's it!
0:30:38 > 0:30:39Once I've watched it,
0:30:39 > 0:30:43I'm never going to be able to watch the trailer again for the first time!
0:30:49 > 0:30:51(Pain...!)
0:30:51 > 0:30:56- Oh, my god, she's just jumped over a- BLEEP- waterfall!
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Oh, now look, now the cat's dead!
0:31:00 > 0:31:01Oh. No.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04- Oh, my- BLEEP- God! Pecs!
0:31:07 > 0:31:10I wouldn't want to be with her when she watches the box set
0:31:10 > 0:31:13if the trailer does that to her.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17What about... This is another woman who has a tattoo of the Twilight people.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20AUDIENCE GROANS
0:31:20 > 0:31:22That's beautiful, isn't it?
0:31:22 > 0:31:28And if you think there's quite a lot of foliage, there's a reason.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Because originally, it was the presenters from Groundforce.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36LAUGHTER
0:31:38 > 0:31:41So, what is Ben's wildcard?
0:31:41 > 0:31:45WHIRRING
0:31:45 > 0:31:50APPLAUSE
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Can I say, Ben. We usually do, like, a fancy prop,
0:31:56 > 0:32:00but no-one on the team knew what it meant.
0:32:00 > 0:32:06Homeopathy is a type of medicine you can buy over the counter
0:32:06 > 0:32:08in lots of alternative health shops,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11but some mainstream chemists, as well.
0:32:11 > 0:32:17And, basically, the idea stems from a German scie...
0:32:17 > 0:32:22Well, not scientist, exactly, because he had no qualifications whatsoever.
0:32:22 > 0:32:26A German man, to give him his full title.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29LAUGHTER
0:32:29 > 0:32:31His theory was, if you had an illness,
0:32:31 > 0:32:34whatever the symptoms were of that illness,
0:32:34 > 0:32:39if you took some substance which gave you the same symptoms,
0:32:39 > 0:32:40it would cure you.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43So if you've got a high temperature - say, you've got malaria,
0:32:43 > 0:32:46then take a substance, usually a poison,
0:32:46 > 0:32:48that would give you a high temperature,
0:32:48 > 0:32:50and this would cure you.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53This is something that has no biological connection
0:32:53 > 0:32:55to the illness that you have. So...
0:32:55 > 0:32:59because a lot of the compounds that he wanted to use were poisons
0:32:59 > 0:33:04he decided that diluting something made it stronger -
0:33:04 > 0:33:06stick with it, cos it's brilliant -
0:33:06 > 0:33:07LAUGHTER
0:33:07 > 0:33:12..provided you knocked it 10 times on a saddlebag...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15a leather saddlebag, filled with horse hair.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17LAUGHTER
0:33:17 > 0:33:20And yet we all take it - I'm sure there are people here who will swear...
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Is there any one here who has taken homeopathy and swears it works?
0:33:23 > 0:33:26- Not any more! - LAUGHTER
0:33:26 > 0:33:28What about cystitis?
0:33:28 > 0:33:29LAUGHTER
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Might as well check while I'm here.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33LAUGHTER
0:33:33 > 0:33:37Take it for cystitis, yeah. There's nothing in it.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Nothing in the tablets. The pills are just sugar pills,
0:33:40 > 0:33:45the liquid homeopathic medicine is just water.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48You're just rubbishing the whole of homeopathy?
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Yes.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54No. I'm not rubbishing it. It IS rubbish.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56APPLAUSE
0:34:00 > 0:34:04But you are a scientist, Ben, so you're a bit biased.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07What, biased because I like some evidence?
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Yeah. That's what I hate about scientists.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12At the claims that a doctor makes.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16Yeah, sorry, I am a bit biased, cos I do like it to actually work.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20But it's not just about standard medicine.
0:34:20 > 0:34:25I don't believe there's just proper medicine and then other stuff is...
0:34:25 > 0:34:29Bee stings cure arthritis, don't they?
0:34:29 > 0:34:31They can be used as a treatment, yes.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34I think what happens is you release the bees and everyone goes...
0:34:34 > 0:34:36LAUGHTER
0:34:36 > 0:34:39"Oh, that actually feels much better!"
0:34:40 > 0:34:44OK. What's Bill's wildcard?
0:34:44 > 0:34:47WHIRRING
0:34:49 > 0:34:55It's dirty, it's noisy, it's dangerous - it's sneezing.
0:34:55 > 0:34:56Sneezing.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Yeah. I hate sneezing!
0:34:58 > 0:35:01- Oh, I see that's "a-tissue". - Yes.- Ah, of course.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05I hate sneezing when I sneeze,
0:35:05 > 0:35:07I hate sneezing when other people sneeze.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10Everything has to stop when you sneeze.
0:35:10 > 0:35:14And I can't sneeze once, I have to sneeze at least three times.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17And one sneeze... OK.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Two sneezes, I get irritated.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Three sneezes, I am furious.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23LAUGHTER
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Just for heaven's sake, let's stop the sneezing.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27Just get on with our lives.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31Well, my dad was a big sneezer. But you did get a warning.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- You used to do several... - HE GASPS
0:35:34 > 0:35:37My mum would be going, "Cover the food! Cover the food!"
0:35:37 > 0:35:39LAUGHTER
0:35:39 > 0:35:44I remember I got a job and the bloke who was my boss at the job was,
0:35:44 > 0:35:47I think, one of the first middle class people I ever met.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51And it was the first time I ever heard that middle-class sneeze.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54I was talking to him and he said, "Yes, I... Tsh."
0:35:54 > 0:35:57LAUGHTER
0:35:59 > 0:36:01I didn't know what had happened!
0:36:01 > 0:36:04I thought he'd swallowed a chaffinch.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06LAUGHTER
0:36:07 > 0:36:09We've got a...
0:36:09 > 0:36:13a...an information film from the 1950s
0:36:13 > 0:36:15to tell people all this sort of stuff.
0:36:19 > 0:36:23'You may have met a few people who like doing this sorry of thing.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26'They're a nuisance I agree, but pretty harmless.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29'You have certainly seen clowns like this.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32'They're not a nuisance, they're a real danger.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37'Stop it, you! Stop it! Stop it!
0:36:37 > 0:36:39'Come here, what do you think you're up to?
0:36:39 > 0:36:42'You've probably infected thousands of people already.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44'What do you think this is for?'
0:36:44 > 0:36:46STUDIO LAUGHTER
0:36:46 > 0:36:48SNEEZES LOUDLY
0:36:48 > 0:36:52'Sneeze - handkerchief. Got it? Fine.'
0:36:58 > 0:37:02OK. There goes the Wildcard round.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04And, er...
0:37:04 > 0:37:09I...I don't think...I can put sneezing in.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13Because for me, it's something that I find quite exciting.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15I love the anticipation.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18That sort of excitement and suspense I used to get from sex.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20LAUGHTER
0:37:20 > 0:37:24Erm... Oh, this is so difficult. Erm...
0:37:26 > 0:37:31You know, I love vampire films, but the fact is, I have seen them all.
0:37:31 > 0:37:36So, I could just put them in and to hell with everyone else. Erm...
0:37:38 > 0:37:40But I can't put the vampires in.
0:37:40 > 0:37:44It's no good - I'm going to have to put homeopathy into Room 101.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47APPLAUSE
0:37:58 > 0:38:01And that brings us to the end of the show. Well done, Ben.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03You were the most persuasive tonight.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05So you are this week's winner.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:14 > 0:38:15So thank you very much.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Bill Turnbull, Ben Miller and Jo Brand.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20And thank you. Goodnight!
0:38:24 > 0:38:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd