0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:00:27 > 0:00:28CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40the show where three guests explain what really winds them up
0:00:40 > 0:00:44in the hope that I'll condemn said things to the grim environs of Room 101.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Joining me tonight are Strictly's Craig Revel Horwood,
0:00:47 > 0:00:48actress Sheila Hancock
0:00:48 > 0:00:50and comedian Jon Richardson.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Right, then, let's have our first category.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Special occasions. OK, let's see what Sheila doesn't like about special occasions.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23BOOM!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27It's obvious - fireworks. Fireworks.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32But I have to say, if fireworks were still like that, I'd like them.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I remember the days when it was just a few sparklers, you know,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37and a Catherine wheel against the shed
0:01:37 > 0:01:39and a rocket in a jam jar.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43But it's those endless ceremonies that go on
0:01:43 > 0:01:47and everybody goes, "Oooh! Aaaahhh!"
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Do people actually go ooh and ah? - Yes!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53You're made to, aren't you? You're actually made to.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Do you go to firework displays in Bristol?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- Maybe it has something to do with your age, darling.- Maybe it has. AUDIENCE OOHS
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- No...- The fact that you've seen it all before and you're tired of it.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10He's absolutely right. I was a child during the Blitz and I see no fun...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14APPLAUSE It's absolutely true.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20And this is the reason why I should win this round
0:02:20 > 0:02:25because I had this sad childhood with lots of banging going on...
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Well, no...
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I'll show you what I think is my favourite firework display ever.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37This is from Mexico.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39BANGING
0:02:55 > 0:03:00- Now, you'd pay to see that, wouldn't you?- You're going to love fireworks. You've got to love them.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04OK, what doesn't Craig like about special occasions?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- Wedding speeches.- Mm! - I detest them, darling.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I cannot sit through them.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I think they should be outlawed.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23People get up, they think they're public speakers
0:03:23 > 0:03:26and, of course, they're clearly not.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Everyone wants to have a go at it
0:03:27 > 0:03:29and I think they're absolutely dreadful.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I think if you're going to make a speech you should be an actor
0:03:32 > 0:03:36or at least have it rehearsed in some shape or form.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I think it's absolutely heinous.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I think you're missing the point.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I like the fact the fact that they're so bad.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I love to walk past the best man afterwards
0:03:46 > 0:03:48who's sitting like this, heartbroken,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51and just say very gently, "Not as easy as it looks, is it?"
0:03:53 > 0:03:56The other thing is they're almost always about the bride and groom.
0:03:58 > 0:04:04Let's have a bit of variety. Let's have a wedding speech about the Industrial Revolution or...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Well, it would be far more interesting, generally.- Yeah.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10But, Craig, I would have thought you'd do a brilliant best man's speech.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Anyone who can say to Gavin Henson, "My floorboards at home have more movement than that."
0:04:19 > 0:04:22That's what you want in wedding speeches, those little...
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Robbie Savage - "Your hands were, on occasion, like soup ladles...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"darling."
0:04:30 > 0:04:34You'd be perfect for it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37OK, what doesn't Jon Richardson like about special occasions?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41DISCO MUSIC
0:04:46 > 0:04:48MUSIC STOPS
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- It's dancing. - You don't like dancing?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I'm sure this is one we'll all agree with.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I hate it. I don't mind other people doing it, that's fine.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02If you say you don't drink, people say, "You don't have to drink."
0:05:02 > 0:05:05But if you say you don't like dancing, people pack around you
0:05:05 > 0:05:09and ply you with alcohol until you're so drunk
0:05:09 > 0:05:10that you do it against your will.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It's assault, is what it is.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16But I hate it. I hate the movement of it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18It's just arrogant walking.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I don't mind if people... I like football.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28I don't have parties and make everyone play five-a-side.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Lob a ball. "Go on, Grandma, slide tackle. Do you want it or not?"
0:05:34 > 0:05:37You must like some dancing, don't you?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Macarena.- You could easily do the Macarena.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- All right. - That's for anybody, darling.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46You see, this already has become, "Let's start you off...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Let's starts you off gently, darling. - APPLAUSE
0:05:51 > 0:05:56I'm with Craig. I'm with Craig. I love the Macarena.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I'll show you what the Macarena is, if you don't mind.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02MUSIC: "The Macarena"
0:06:03 > 0:06:05AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Shall I carry on? I won't carry on. That's it.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Brilliant. - CHEERING
0:06:20 > 0:06:23You must have enjoyed that. Listen to that - they love it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Do you have to do like the Kenneth Williams mouth thing when you do it?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Well, I do.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Ooh!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36What I love is that when you said, "I want to put dancing in,"
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Craig looked across at you exactly like Len Goodman looks at Craig
0:06:40 > 0:06:43when you give someone like three and he goes...
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I think you need to learn. Have you ever had any dance lessons?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- No!- See that... That helps, I think.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I had a Lambada lesson
0:06:54 > 0:06:57and the man said the way to remember to do the Lambada,
0:06:57 > 0:06:58with the hip thing,
0:06:58 > 0:07:03imagine you've got a pencil up your bottom pointing out
0:07:03 > 0:07:06and you're drawing a number eight on a wall.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Try it. I sign all my autographs like that now.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- No but that's...- I avoid any hobby
0:07:17 > 0:07:21that starts with lesson one being, "Imagine you've got a pencil..."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I would sign up for all of that.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- Craig, you've raised your legs for money...- I have, darling.
0:07:32 > 0:07:38- You must think that dancing is the centre of the universe, in many ways.- It's my life,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41so I can't imagine my life without it, to be honest.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45I think you're missing out on an enormous part of life, quite frankly,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and I think you're one of the dullest people
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I've ever had the pleasure of sitting next to.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- BOOING - Oh! Oh!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56How can you say, "Dancing is my whole life" and then tell me I'm missing out on life?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59You haven't done anything! You've never had a Cream Egg...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER You've never...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- You don't know that. - You've never rolled down a hill.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06You don't know what I've done with Cream Eggs, darling.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09AUDIENCE: Oooh! Thats how you learned to do the Cha-cha-cha, isn't it?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Hold it... - Seven of them, right up there.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:20There is something, I believe it's been scientifically proven,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23that there is an instinct to dance in the human being -
0:08:23 > 0:08:26right back to prehistoric times, they danced.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- So why haven't you? - It's called evolution.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33APPLAUSE
0:08:38 > 0:08:43OK, so we now come to our decision time for this round.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Well, erm, Jon, I'm a terrible dancer
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- and I...- I know, I've seen it.- Yeah. And it is, it's very...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Oh, my God!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00APPLAUSE
0:09:00 > 0:09:01That could've hit me.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10So I'm going to put fireworks into Room 101.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12APPLAUSE
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Friends and family. Lovely.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34So what doesn't Sheila like about friends and family?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42That's people who give me scented candles.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- APPLAUSE - Of course!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I just wish they wouldn't.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55I have got cupboards full of scented...
0:09:55 > 0:10:00They smell of rosemary, spice, the most extraordinary mixtures.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02They cost a fortune.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I actually saw a scented candle the other day that cost £300.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- Blimey.- And I would rather have the money, in fact.
0:10:10 > 0:10:16I read a magazine article and it said, "If you have a bath in candlelight with scented candles,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"it's very relaxing."
0:10:18 > 0:10:22So I thought, OK, I'll try and get some of these hundreds of candles I've got
0:10:22 > 0:10:26and I put them round the bath and I lit them and I had a glass of wine
0:10:26 > 0:10:28and I thought, "This is all right,"
0:10:28 > 0:10:30and I reached for the soap and I burnt myself.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35Look - there is a scar caused by a scented candle.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Oh!- So I hate them. - But I bet it smells lovely.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44What worries me is that if you get rid of scented candles,
0:10:44 > 0:10:49you're basically stopping the blind from enjoying candles.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Oh!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- But the blind...- Is that the kind of person you want to be, Sheila?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I am helping the blind because...
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I mean, let's put Labradors in Room 101.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03They'll set fire to their hair and things.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I know people who've gone up in flames
0:11:05 > 0:11:07because they've bent over a...
0:11:07 > 0:11:10So the blind will be injured by them.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14But they can smell them. That's the whole point.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Yes but you can't locate exactly where a smell's coming from, can you?
0:11:18 > 0:11:23- You feel the heat.- Listen, I can't worry about all the blind people.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26APPLAUSE
0:11:26 > 0:11:31- I'm sorry!- I tell you why men are running around on Christmas Eve buying scented candles.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34It's because I for one really like them
0:11:34 > 0:11:38and Christmas Eve is the only time you can buy them for yourself and pretend they're a gift.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43You are weird! You don't dance and you buy scented candles.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47It's very odd. I must speak to you afterwards about your childhood.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Very worrying.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Well, look, I've got some scented candles.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56This one is bacon.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Oh, come on!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I've think we've all wondered what it would smell like
0:12:00 > 0:12:03if Miss Piggy perished in a house fire.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Oh, don't!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08This one is a bit unusual.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- This is urinal cake candle. - Oh, come on!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14You know, urinal cake, it isn't a cake.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17It's not like another name for lemon drizzle.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22It's... It's those things that you get in the urinals that stop germs.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- You those smelly...?- No. - It's that.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28I mean, it's perfect for a romantic evening at George Michael's house.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I really don't know anything about George Michael,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- so I don't understand that joke. - OK.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- I'll explain it later.- Yeah?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42You should talk to him about his childhood.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47And then, of course, there's always this as a possibility.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Look at that.- Is it hot?- Yeah.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00And it smells of apple.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04APPLAUSE
0:13:07 > 0:13:11OK, well, I... It's an interesting angle, I must say.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16So, friends and family - what winds up Jon Richardson about friends and family?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24It's all my friends who are settling down.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29AUDIENCE COOS
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You're right to feel sorry for me. I'm alone now.
0:13:31 > 0:13:37We made a bond when we were young based on what we enjoyed doing.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41There was no physicality to it. We just found people who we liked spending time with.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Now they're all having sex and getting married
0:13:43 > 0:13:45and I'm never going to see them again
0:13:45 > 0:13:47unless their marriage breaks up,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49in which case they'll come round in tears
0:13:49 > 0:13:51and I'll be expected to piece them together
0:13:51 > 0:13:54after years of holidays on my own. Er...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57And I hope they're all miserable.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I hope they never share a moment's happiness with their partner
0:14:01 > 0:14:05and I hope they realise that I've still got computer games at home
0:14:05 > 0:14:07and lots of beer
0:14:07 > 0:14:11and it will still be as much fun as it was before they all got pubes.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Have you considered Rentafriend?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18There is actually an organisation called Rentafriend.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21And it's not a dating agency. It's...
0:14:21 > 0:14:26It's designed, if, say, I went to Chicago on my own on business,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30I could phone them up and rent a friend to hang out with in Chicago.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32That's how it works.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36And also, I like the idea of working for Rentafriend as a friend
0:14:36 > 0:14:40because I think I'd be quite a good friend to strangers for a night...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42You might be but I don't think he would be.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"Where are we going? Disco?" "No."
0:14:49 > 0:14:52"Fireworks display?" "It's been banned."
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I'm here, darling, and I'm single.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I'll help you out.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- Ah!- I would be too worried that a house was going to fall on you if we went out in those shoes.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I find that the periods when I've been single
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I'm amazed at how much time I have.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18You waste a lot of time in a relationship.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20You do, though.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24You spend, what, 25 minutes a week saying, "You all right?"
0:15:27 > 0:15:29APPLAUSE
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Have you heard of Idollators?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39It's men who go out with dolls.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42But not in a seedy way.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Dolls that are for proper platonic relationships.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- You're nodding, Craig. - Yes, I've seen that.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- You've seen it?- Yes, I have.- What do you mean?- Well, you can get...
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- They're very human-like. They're almost...- We have a picture.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Yeah, they do. They absolutely love them.- Yeah.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Until they get bored or their skin starts peeling
0:16:03 > 0:16:06or their hair starts knotting and fading.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08No, that's real women you're thinking of.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12But people do it for companionship.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13And as I say, it's not a physical thing.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17It's just, you know, out for a drive and... Lovely. Jon?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Yeah, I'd give it a go.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Even with a doll.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- No.- I wasn't ready for this.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I know what I'm putting in in the next round.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Oh, dear.- So, friends and family -
0:16:44 > 0:16:48what does Craig Revel Horwood not like about friends and family?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Ugh! Yuck!- House guests.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00And actually, this is a perfect example.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03They come round your house, you invite them into your home
0:17:03 > 0:17:07and unfortunately, they leave toothpaste tubes like that,
0:17:07 > 0:17:13they leave long hairs down the plughole, which I absolutely detest.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16They use your towels.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20They also do a vast array of things in the kitchen,
0:17:20 > 0:17:24like leaving the dishes in the sink
0:17:24 > 0:17:28when there's a perfectly good dishwasher right next door to it -
0:17:28 > 0:17:29those sort of things.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32They occupy too much of your space.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35They spread themselves out around the house
0:17:35 > 0:17:37like they own it.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- It drives me nuts. - Who are these people?- Family.- Family.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45My mother's in the audience. Hello, Mum.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Actually, she does contain herself quite neatly.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- You had to say that!- Yes, but she does require three towels in the bathroom
0:17:52 > 0:17:54and I only like seeing two there, you see.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- This is the thing. - LAUGHTER
0:17:56 > 0:18:00I never told you that, Mother, and they're not matching towels, either.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Do you normally live on your own?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:09So, erm, how often do you have people staying?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- Is that a normal thing for you? - Yes, I have them staying quite a lot, actually.- Really?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Well, I don't think you'll have any more coming now
0:18:15 > 0:18:17if they watch this programme.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22OK, so, Sheila, people who buy you scented candles,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I know scented candles are a bit of a... They're not a nice thing
0:18:25 > 0:18:27but the fact that it's come from such a nice place
0:18:27 > 0:18:28and they're trying to be nice,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I don't think I can put them in, to be honest.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33And it is just the way of things
0:18:33 > 0:18:39that people have to go off with people who are not their mates eventually, Jon.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42So I'm sorry about that but, Craig, I think you're right.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45House guests can be an utter and complete nightmare
0:18:45 > 0:18:50and I'd be very happy to put house guests into Room 101.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Yes!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Bye.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07OK, next category, please.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Right, People is the category.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Let's see what people wind up Sheila Hancock.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25People who call me "dear."
0:19:25 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:32It is something that happens to you when you get old, it is,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"Are you all right, dear?"
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Or "lovey." I hate overfamiliarity of any sort and that is not
0:19:39 > 0:19:43because I am unfriendly but, you know those cold callers who call you up and say,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46"Is that Ms Hancock?" And then go, "Hello, Sheila."
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I say, "Excuse me? Who are you?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"I have never met you, why are you calling me Sheila?"
0:19:51 > 0:19:55It is a kind of thing that has happened over the years, but it is
0:19:55 > 0:19:59mainly the patronising thing towards old people, of, "All right, love?"
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"Come on, ducky." "How are you, dear?"
0:20:02 > 0:20:06I am not dear, I am not your dear, I have never met you before in my life.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10OK, dear.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- My dad used to call my mum, "wife".- So did mine!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Wife or "the old woman." - Or sometimes he would use "wifey."
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Yeah, yeah.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23You never used Wi-Fi because he never lived that long.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER
0:20:25 > 0:20:30- A bit of darkness there amidst the light.- It is people
0:20:30 > 0:20:33calling you by your Christian name when they barely know you.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34I find that strange.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39I suppose that is what people do nowadays but I find it strange.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Are you annoyed by...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43# For bonzer car insurance deals
0:20:43 > 0:20:47# Girls get on to Sheila's Wheels! #
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- I don't know what that is.- OK.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Completely lost on me.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I tell you what I do, and we must all do this,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59you end up doing a lot of photographs with people.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03We have a few photographs of people with their fans and they don't
0:21:03 > 0:21:05all look like they are absolutely loving it.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08This is Hugh Grant having his photo taken.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13But at least he is being honest.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16This is Hayden Panettiere, the actress.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Look at that, lovely, friendly, warm. Then caught off guard later.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24And that is antiseptic hand wash.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32- Can I try you on a few of these, Sheila? Love?- I don't mind love.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35It isn't patronising.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40- Sweetheart?- I do like it when taxi men call me sweetheart.- Oh, come on!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I am not going to throw it in at all.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I actually quite like being called dear, really.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Forget it, you can have it.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Remind me never to call you as a character witness in court.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03"Actually, I don't like him at all!" OK.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10So, what sort of people does Jon Richardson not like?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- It is not that. It is critics. - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Way!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Thanks, mate. Me and this guy.
0:22:26 > 0:22:32I am just tired of people who make a living by judging people
0:22:32 > 0:22:35on how well they have done something that they cannot do whatsoever.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And then they turn what is a private live
0:22:38 > 0:22:41moment in the room into this permanent record.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I think it's since the Internet, and those now go online,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47and you just think more people are going to read your one opinion
0:22:47 > 0:22:50because you happen to have a pen, then will never be in that room
0:22:50 > 0:22:52and you ruin the moment for everyone.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55They were all there and maybe it was a good show and you went,
0:22:55 > 0:22:59"Oh, I didn't like the lights and, I queued for half an hour for the gin and tonic."
0:22:59 > 0:23:01People who read that for eternity will think,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03"That sounds like it was rubbish."
0:23:03 > 0:23:05And it was great fun.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Can I say, I think critics are absolutely brilliant.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12APPLAUSE
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- I am aware this is potentially career suicide.- Slightly.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21I think the development that has happened as with all the blogging
0:23:21 > 0:23:25and things, you have got sad people who are in sort of, I don't know,
0:23:25 > 0:23:30sad situations who just feel venomous and the vent their spleen hideously.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33What is that all about? Sad people venting their spleen.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I remember every bad thing anyone has ever said to me.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- What about all the good stuff? - It was all lies.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- I am the same.- I know what you mean.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48A friend once started reading from review and I said,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"Don't read it, I don't read reviews."
0:23:50 > 0:23:52He said, "Honestly, you will love this."
0:23:52 > 0:23:56"It says that "Frank Skinner is to all intents and purposes a comedy god."
0:23:58 > 0:24:01And I said, "What does he mean, to all intents and purposes?"
0:24:01 > 0:24:05That is what it is like, it is best not to read them.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07You should avoid them.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10If I see someone who knows me and the walking down a corridor
0:24:10 > 0:24:15ahead of me I will say, "I am behind you, don't slag me off." I will.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I don't want to hear it.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:22That is absolutely true.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25In a toilet cubicle, "Frank Skinner in here," if anyone comes in.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30The irony is that I have got some of your reviews and I would
0:24:30 > 0:24:33say that generally speaking your reviews are brilliant, aren't they?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36What dealing generally speaking?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38APPLAUSE
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Don't, don't.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Don't read them out.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Honestly, they are great, here we go.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I used to be on the verge of greatness.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Now I am on the rocks below.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01But that is a great review, isn't it?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05I didn't want this to turn into backslap John for five minutes.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Never made what you wanted, let's see another one.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12And now here I am.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- I don't remember any of these. - Oh, yeah, right.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22"Richardson deals and anecdotes rather than punchlines," I remember.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27"Richardson's claustrophobic neuroticism becomes too much to bear."
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- There is some truth in that, darling.- Yes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I'm going to go on Strictly Come Dancing and I'm going to win.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:42 > 0:25:46There was a review of the reviews, actually,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50saying which newspapers and magazines gave the best reviews.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53The nicest reviews, in Edinburgh, last year.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Who do you think gave the kindest reviews?
0:25:56 > 0:26:01- Father Christmas. - No. The Big Issue.- Oh, really?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Glad just to be indoors.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05APPLAUSE
0:26:09 > 0:26:14OK, let's see what Craig doesn't like about people.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Fat darts players.
0:26:25 > 0:26:32I just don't get it. You see them and they are all humongous.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I don't have anything,
0:26:34 > 0:26:38I don't see anything wrong with being extra large or whatever,
0:26:38 > 0:26:42but why, as a sportsman, would you not look after your body
0:26:42 > 0:26:45and tone at least one arm, the one that you use?
0:26:49 > 0:26:53When you consider how light these things are, it is
0:26:53 > 0:26:56not like tossing a caber, is it, darling?
0:26:56 > 0:27:01And it is not like dragging some truck along the road
0:27:01 > 0:27:04as the fastest heavyweight man.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I don't understand why they need to be so large.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I think because the steadiness, technically, the steadiness,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14they need to be anchored.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19And the arm emerges from a citadel of flesh.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24There is something fabulously real about it.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Wrestling, wrestlers now, they look like the Rock.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30You know what the Rock looks like? Got a picture of the Rock.
0:27:30 > 0:27:37- You looks like the sort of model, look at that.- Oh, wow.- Yeah, good.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42But wrestlers used to look like real blokes you would see in the pub.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45We have got the cut of Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50This is what wrestlers used to look like. Real people. Look at that.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58If this was 10 years time that could be Russell Brand versus Denise Welsh.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06OK, I can go with fat darts players,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10because I just think, I love it. I love the reality.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13And I think you've completely given up, really,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16because you actually quite like being called dear.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I've ended up...
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And you're too warmhearted to get upset about that.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24So, John, and this could ruin both our careers,
0:28:24 > 0:28:25but I'm going with you.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28I'm going to put critics in Room 101.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:42 > 0:28:43OK, next category, please.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Ah, now, this is the wildcard category
0:28:51 > 0:28:55because sometimes we feel we can constrain you in your hatred.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Now you can just choose anything you like -
0:28:57 > 0:28:59the thing that you hate most of all.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03So what really winds up Jon Richardson?
0:29:09 > 0:29:11It's my brain.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14I've just had enough of it. Just...
0:29:14 > 0:29:16It's there every day when I wake up.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20You talk about unwanted house guests - that's been in there 30 years
0:29:20 > 0:29:23- and it's like a house guest... - How old are you?
0:29:23 > 0:29:24- 30.- OK.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28It's like a house guest who's arrived and made it clear,
0:29:28 > 0:29:30"I'm going to stay with you all the time, forever.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32"And even when you go out, I'm going to follow you."
0:29:32 > 0:29:38Because when I did this show I suddenly realised I hate everything.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40It wasn't a matter of narrowing it down
0:29:40 > 0:29:41or trying to find stuff I hate,
0:29:41 > 0:29:44I would literally put anything in, at any point, and everything.
0:29:44 > 0:29:49And there's nothing wrong with me. My body's fine, I've got nice friends and nice family.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51I've got a nice job. So it must be my brain.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54I'd rather have a dog's brain.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57I'm sick of thinking about everything all the time.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Or Jedward. I'd rather have Jedward's brain.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02- APPLAUSE - Really.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06Bearing in mind, if it goes into Room 101, it's... it's gone.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Fine. It'll be happy in there, there'll be fireworks on.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16Is it true that you've got OCD or is that...? Or you've nearly got it?
0:30:16 > 0:30:20- No, I've got traits of it. - So how do they manifest themselves?
0:30:20 > 0:30:22I just stress a lot about everything.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Like that's not parallel, really.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26I'm sure it's good for the camera
0:30:26 > 0:30:29- but it's not in line with the front of that.- Yeah.
0:30:29 > 0:30:30And that's wrong.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33It's not a matter for debate. It's wrong.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37I'm having to tolerate it because we're having such a nice time.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40I get that toilet roll thing.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44My girlfriend hangs the toilet roll so that the end is facing the wall.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46- Leave her.- And I want it...
0:30:47 > 0:30:51I want the toilet paper to appear like it's being offered...
0:30:51 > 0:30:54not been forcibly taken.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59- You're definitely right because then you can just paw at it as well.- Yeah!
0:31:00 > 0:31:03The thing is, Jon, if I allow you to do this then, you know,
0:31:03 > 0:31:07then the nation will lose one of their favourites.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10The nation doesn't need me.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13And one day, I won't be a comic and I'll just be this person.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Now, people laugh and they pay to hear me,
0:31:15 > 0:31:18"Isn't it funny when you're walking and you can't stand on the thing?"
0:31:18 > 0:31:20One day, I won't be a comedian, I'll just be in a pub.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23"It took me hours to get here because they put a new grid in
0:31:23 > 0:31:26"and I couldn't step over it because it's about one and a half paces
0:31:26 > 0:31:29"and I've got an extra..." Ee-uh, ee-uh, ee-uh, ee-uh.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31You can save people from that now, Frank.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Yeah but if you put your brain in
0:31:33 > 0:31:35you could end up as a judge on a reality show.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41True.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44OK, now, let's see what is Sheila's wildcard.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Yes, it's ladies' toilets.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54What puzzles me - I'm sorry, my fellow women -
0:31:54 > 0:31:56but what do they do in the toilet?
0:31:56 > 0:32:01Because they take hours and you stand there and you think,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04"That woman is never going to come out. What are they doing?"
0:32:04 > 0:32:08And talking of toilet rolls, I wonder if it's something to do with...
0:32:08 > 0:32:10You know those big machines with toilet rolls?
0:32:10 > 0:32:13And you can never get the bit of paper out...
0:32:13 > 0:32:17- There are sort of teeth, sharp teeth.- You just absolutely...
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Maybe they're to get the paper out or whatever.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22It's like, you know when you try to grab a dog's tongue to pull it out?
0:32:23 > 0:32:26- I always imagine that they're beautiful places.- No, they're not.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29They're usually not at all.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33I remember when I first went to France as a young girl,
0:32:33 > 0:32:37I was an au pair and it was all those holes, remember?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39You had to squat down over a terrible hole.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42And the only place where there was a proper toilet
0:32:42 > 0:32:44was the Mona Lisa gallery in the Louvre.
0:32:44 > 0:32:49I know the Mona Lisa, every brushstroke -
0:32:49 > 0:32:51I used to go every day.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54- You can actually see it from the toilet?- No, no!
0:32:54 > 0:32:57It must be why she's pulling that face.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02Also with the ladies, I don't know, I'd miss the urinal.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Well, I usually do. But I'd miss the...
0:33:04 > 0:33:08This idea about having to go into an individual cubicle to go to the toilet -
0:33:08 > 0:33:10- that's why it takes so long, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13They have to sit down, don't they, as well.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15I have no idea.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18Are you aware of the Shewee, Sheila?
0:33:18 > 0:33:21- The what?- The Shewee.- No.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23I believe it was named after you.
0:33:25 > 0:33:30This is a Shewee and it means that a lady can...
0:33:30 > 0:33:33can go to the toilet very secretly,
0:33:33 > 0:33:36so if you can't get into a toilet or you're on a long car journey,
0:33:36 > 0:33:39you can put this into a bottle and...
0:33:39 > 0:33:41You can use it for pick and mix, as well.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47So erm... We come to Craig's wildcard.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56- What's that?- I'm a bit bemused by that one.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58- I believe it's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.- Yeah.
0:33:58 > 0:34:04People who tell jokes all the time is my pet hate.
0:34:07 > 0:34:12I can't stand it. At dinner parties, people that tell hideous jokes.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15"Have you heard the one about...?" It's just boring.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18I just have an out-of-body experience every time they do it.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Why don't you just say Bruce Forsyth and get it over with?
0:34:23 > 0:34:28My problem is someone that consistently spouts off
0:34:28 > 0:34:30heinously.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Are you thinking of any particular person?
0:34:36 > 0:34:39No, he doesn't tell jokes.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42- He's proved that tonight, darling. - Ah, Craig!
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- Take off your critic's boots! - He's just funny.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47- Are they critic boots? - They are, yeah.
0:34:47 > 0:34:53Do you know that you are actually...? That there is a joke about you?
0:34:55 > 0:34:56I'm sure there's several.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00It's not... I don't think it's unkind.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02It's quite sweet. I think you'll like it.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06I do a radio show and someone texted in,
0:35:06 > 0:35:11"Why doesn't Craig Revel Horwood use as much spray tan as he used to?"
0:35:11 > 0:35:15And they said, "It's cos no-one likes orange Revels."
0:35:15 > 0:35:17LAUGHTER
0:35:18 > 0:35:20- No, because it didn't... - APPLAUSE
0:35:22 > 0:35:24CHEERING
0:35:26 > 0:35:27It's a cute, sweet joke
0:35:27 > 0:35:31and, you know, it's affectionate towards you, don't you think?
0:35:31 > 0:35:33It's offensive.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Have you ever laughed?
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Not when you've been talking.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42- AUDIENCE OOHING - Ooh! Oh, my God, it's gone so wrong.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46You must tell jokes, Craig, do you?
0:35:46 > 0:35:48No.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- I'm not funny, that's why. - Oh, come on.- No, I'm not.
0:35:52 > 0:35:57- You've got lots of laughs tonight. - I don't remember one, darling.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Well, I don't remember one but I'm sure...
0:36:01 > 0:36:03- Go on, tell us a gag. - I don't know any.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06And I'm seriously unfunny, I promise you.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09If I tell you a gag now, will you tell it?
0:36:09 > 0:36:11If I whisper a gag in your ear?
0:36:11 > 0:36:14I'll give you a really short one, right?
0:36:14 > 0:36:16This is...
0:36:17 > 0:36:20- I've heard that before. - I know you have.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Not at 8:30 on BBC1, you haven't.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32LAUGHTER
0:36:35 > 0:36:37So, Craig, have you got any gags for us?
0:36:37 > 0:36:41What did zero say to the eight?
0:36:41 > 0:36:42No idea.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Nice belt.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:36:54 > 0:36:57- I don't understand it.- Oh...
0:36:57 > 0:37:01- I don't get it either.- I'm trying to build his confidence here, Sheila.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05- He doesn't understand it either. - I was so busy trying to think of the words...
0:37:05 > 0:37:08What does the zero say to the eight?
0:37:08 > 0:37:09Nice belt.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12It's funny because numbers can't talk.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Yeah?
0:37:16 > 0:37:18- Is that right? - Because a zero is like that
0:37:18 > 0:37:22- and an eight is pulled... - Oh, I see it's a visual...
0:37:23 > 0:37:25It's a visual joke.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27- Yes!- That's a zero and that's an eight.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31I'm so glad I was here the night comedy died.
0:37:34 > 0:37:39Anyway, I can't possibly put people who tell jokes all the time into Room 101
0:37:39 > 0:37:43because otherwise I'll have to go in and that's impossible.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46And I don't want to put Jon Richardson's brain in
0:37:46 > 0:37:48because I quite like it.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Ladies' toilets I'd love to put in
0:37:51 > 0:37:55because it's going to make just being out at night much more exciting.
0:37:55 > 0:38:00So I am going to put ladies' toilets into Room 101.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:38:13 > 0:38:14And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17Well done, Sheila. You're the most persuasive guest tonight,
0:38:17 > 0:38:19so you are this week's winner.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:38:25 > 0:38:28So thank you very much, Jon Richardson, Craig Revel Horwood
0:38:28 > 0:38:29and Sheila Hancock
0:38:29 > 0:38:31and thank you - goodnight!
0:38:31 > 0:38:33CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd