0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101, the show where
0:00:36 > 0:00:40three guests battle to banish their betes noires to the notorious vault.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Joining me tonight are Pointless know-it-all Richard Osman,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48broadcaster Joan Bakewell, and comedian Roisin Conaty.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Right, then, let's have our first category.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Nature.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07So I'd like to see what Joan Bakewell doesn't like about nature.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Gardening.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Oh.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Gardening. This represents my feelings about gardening.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Brilliant.- Who could like it after that?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28That cost four grand!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I think it was worth it. So, what is it, Joan?
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Well, gardening is housework out of doors. There's no difference.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Now, housework indoors has been streamlined, so it doesn't require
0:01:41 > 0:01:45as much effort as it once did, but gardening, you've got to get down
0:01:45 > 0:01:48on your knees on rubber mats that don't protect your knees,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50you've got to wear clumsy gloves,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52you've got hedge trimmers and wheelbarrows.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54It's hard work. It's too hard work.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58They don't reward the effort you put into it.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00What about if you grow vegetables?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Then they... That's the gift that keeps on giving.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04It's still hard work.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07It's just easier to buy them at the shop, you know.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Some people love it, though, don't they?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, yes, but they love all sorts of strange things.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That is true. That's a whole other show, though, Joan.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Yeah, and it's probably on a bit later at night.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I just quite like that gardening is one of those things that we
0:02:23 > 0:02:25haven't managed to make faster.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28You buy something and say, "That is going to look lovely in May.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29"That's going to look amazing."
0:02:29 > 0:02:33You're going, "The rest of the year, it's just going to look like just some shrub."
0:02:33 > 0:02:37It'll look lovely for a month. You think, "I'm going to put all that effort in, just for a month?"
0:02:37 > 0:02:39A load of twigs, standing there, doing nothing.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42That's everything in life. That's like, "Oh, I'm just going to
0:02:42 > 0:02:46"cook this dinner and then eat it. Huh, what a waste of time."
0:02:46 > 0:02:47"Shouldn't fall in love with this person.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"I won't be in love in ten years." Everything's only for a month.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Well, that's my second and third choice gone now.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58A friend of mine was saying the other day someone knocked
0:02:58 > 0:03:00on his door and said, "Have you lost your wallet?"
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- He said, "I just saw a fox steal it."- What?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05And the fox had walked into his front door, got up
0:03:05 > 0:03:06onto this thing, taken it,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08and walked down the road with his wallet.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I bet you that was foxy bingo.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Anyway, let's see what Richard Osman doesn't like about nature.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22This is zoo filler.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Now, what is zoo filler?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Zoo filler is all the rubbish animals in the zoo.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:33APPLAUSE
0:03:35 > 0:03:38When you go to a zoo, historically,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41there's only five animals you go to the zoo to see.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43There used to be four, there's now five.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47You go to a zoo to see the lions, to see the tigers,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51to see the monkeys, to see the penguins, and now,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55in the last five or six years, to see the meerkats.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57And that's it.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And everywhere around those five animals
0:03:59 > 0:04:01they've got all sorts of things.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04They've got fish. You want to see a pike?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07So, hold on, I've got a lion over here, and a tiger over here.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I tell you what, why don't I spend ten minutes looking at a pike?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12And before you get to the monkey enclosure,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16they've got a moth exhibit. You might go and see the moths.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19You just think, zoos know they can't just have five animals
0:04:19 > 0:04:21because that's not a day out and they can't charge you £23.50.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25They know that. So they pack the stuff with stoats and stuff.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27They could hide them.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30If they hid the big five and you had to seek them out,
0:04:30 > 0:04:31that would be a day out.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34The truth is they do cos you go along to a zoo, you never see
0:04:34 > 0:04:36a lion or a tiger because they're asleep 20 hours a day.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39The one animal that's not sleeping is the Amazonian stoat.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42He's awake the whole time. "Come and look at me."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Not interested. Even when you're being fed, we're not interested.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48You didn't mention giraffes. They're essential.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Do you think?- Oh, yeah.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh, what's the point?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- They're very tall, that's the point. - Yeah, but you know what?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Who isn't these days?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I think I've gone into the zoo in the past thinking,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"I want to see the monkeys".
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I went to Cotswold Wildlife Park, and I went specifically to see
0:05:06 > 0:05:09the monkeys, and then I saw a giant tortoise,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11which I wouldn't normally expect to see,
0:05:11 > 0:05:15and I was really excited about it. It was really massive.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18It's kind of like when you watch... When I first started watching
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Pointless, I watched it for Alexander Armstrong,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24and then it turned out there was another creature on it.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I like some of the signs that you get in zoos.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32What about this? My favourite ever "danger" sign.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Oh, how wonderful.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- It makes it look like fun, whatever's happening.- Well...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Unless you're the one in the wheelchair.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I like to think the crocodile has burped and she's going uphill.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54LAUGHTER
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Here's a thing, now, how are you with snakes?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- Do you find those exciting?- God, no. Snakes, you stand for ten minutes, going,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05"Where is it? Is that it in the back?"
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Cos they're so well camouflaged, and then you see it and think, "Oh, there it is."
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- They don't move.- They are asleep for 22 hours a day, snakes.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Yeah. Here's a long...a long snake.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34AUDIENCE GASPS
0:06:46 > 0:06:49That was great from the crowd.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Some proper physical jumping in their seats.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Oh, my God.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Do you like the shop at the zoo? That's always a good bit.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I do like the shop. It's interesting, you know, the cuddly toys they get,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02they are lions, tigers, penguins, monkeys and meerkats.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05They're not doing cuddly toys of the moths.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08This is my own personal favourite at London Zoo.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:16 > 0:07:18If you saw me coming from behind a hedgerow,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20could you possibly think I was a lion?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24That would certainly scare the foxes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29OK, then. So what doesn't Roisin like about nature?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35AUDIENCE COOS
0:07:35 > 0:07:38The most predictable reaction of the evening.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Bambi.- OK.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I think Bambi should go in Room 101,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45because Bambi was the first cartoon that started off a whole
0:07:45 > 0:07:49generation of sad cartoons, and I hate sad cartoons.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Life's hard enough for kids, as you get older,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55and I think children don't need to see animals dying on-screen.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00People say it's good for them, it teaches them about the horrors of the world. It doesn't.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02As you get older, if you lose a parent, you don't go,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Oh, I'm glad I watched Bambi.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06"Really, I knew what was going to happen".
0:08:06 > 0:08:08It just gives you a really horrible
0:08:08 > 0:08:10afternoon with children who have no sort of coping skills.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I was looking after some of my friends' children,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16and I thought we'd watch The Lion King, and I fell asleep and woke
0:08:16 > 0:08:20up to four six-year-olds screaming, "Mufasa's dead, Mufasa's dead!"
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Spoiler alert!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27So, yeah, I think Bambi should go in Room 101.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32Well, in case... Has anyone here...not seen Bambi?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Oh, you've never seen Bambi.
0:08:34 > 0:08:40The bit that everyone talks about is when Bambi's mum gets it early on.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- So...- I was gonna watch it this evening.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46No, it's very early on. It's the sort of thing they put
0:08:46 > 0:08:47in the trailer.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49So, what's happened is
0:08:49 > 0:08:52they're out and they're in the forest
0:08:52 > 0:08:56and then we hear the sound of the hunter and the gun goes,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and they both run away and then Bambi stops,
0:08:59 > 0:09:00looks over his shoulder
0:09:00 > 0:09:04and realises that Mummy isn't with him any more.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09BAMBI: Mother?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Mother!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Your mother can't be with you any more.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Can I point out that that is Bambi's father that appears at the end
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and says, "Your mother can't be with you any more."
0:09:38 > 0:09:40If I'm Bambi, I'm thinking, "Oh, that's it?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"That's the announcement of my mother's death? Thanks, Dad!"
0:09:43 > 0:09:47There's no sense of him preparing for a life as a single parent.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- It's just off.- Did the dad killed the mum, is that the story?- No...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- It's not domestic violence. - Is it not? Is it definitely not?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59It's a hunter. She was shot by a hunter.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Yeah, I think that's the Tarantino version.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Do we know that the hunter was not a hired hit man, for example?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Is it cleared up in the film? - I wouldn't rule it out, anything.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I wouldn't rule it out. Put it in room 101.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I mean, it's desperately sad.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18And the music isn't helping, is it?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Disney usually do Heigh-Ho or something.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Even if you had your eyes shut you'd be crying.- Yeah.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27I think it's fair to say Heigh-Ho would've been inappropriate.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31The dwarfs dragging the carcass...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I went to see Bambi when I was six years old.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42And you're protected as a child from, sort of,
0:10:42 > 0:10:46all of the horrors of the world. And I watched this.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I'd never come across anything bad happening.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51And then I just thought, "I've obviously missed a bit.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52"The mum hasn't come back,"
0:10:52 > 0:10:55cos the stuff I was allowed to watch was the mum comes back.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57So I left the cinema in bits.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59And then I persuaded my nan to take me back the next week
0:10:59 > 0:11:02cos I thought, "I need to see the bit where the mum comes back."
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- So I went three times expecting... - What?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I persuaded different members of my family I had to go
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- and see Bambi again. - Did you cry every time?- Every time.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14You kept going back? Oh, it's like Cheryl with Ashley Cole.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I cried at Lady and the Tramp.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22There's a bit in that where the dog gets run over.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24And I really did cry at that.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Also, I went to see Liza Minnelli Live.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32And she sang Lady and the Tramp.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36And I really annoyed everyone around me
0:11:36 > 0:11:39cos I couldn't resist doing the dog-based backing vocals.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40So, she went,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43# He's a tramp. # and I went, "Ruff-ruff-ruff!"
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:48And I knew I was doing, but you know the chorus when they go,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51# He's a tr-a-a-a-a-a-mp. #
0:11:51 > 0:11:54It's impossible for me to listen to it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Anyway, look, I think you've all argued your cases very well.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I think gardening now is something that I'm thinking I'm going
0:12:01 > 0:12:03to move towards, as I reach a certain age where
0:12:03 > 0:12:05gardening seems apt.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08And I like the idea of being close to the land,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- and all that.- Yes.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- So I'm not going to put gardening in, Joan.- Right.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15And I feel sorry for those animals.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Just because they're not in the headlines.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19They're like character actors.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I feel sorry for them. It's the zoos I'm having a go at, not the animals.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I learn - I go to the zoo and I meet an animal I wasn't expecting
0:12:26 > 0:12:28and then I go away and I Google it.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31And that's fun, for me.
0:12:31 > 0:12:37But I agree, I think so much can happen in a cartoon film.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39You can make animals talk and all wondrous things.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Why not just give them one little place in their lives
0:12:42 > 0:12:44where bad stuff doesn't happen?
0:12:44 > 0:12:48So, I am going to put Bambi into Room 101.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52APPLAUSE
0:13:00 > 0:13:03OK, let's have our next category, please.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09It is modern life.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12What doesn't Richard Osman like about modern life?
0:13:17 > 0:13:18It's cobblers, Frank.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23It's cobblers, because they shouldn't exist in modern life.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25You know, by and large, the high street,
0:13:25 > 0:13:26you sort of know what shops are for.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29What on earth is the cobbler doing there?
0:13:29 > 0:13:30What are they up to?
0:13:31 > 0:13:36Given nobody has had a pair of shoes fixed since about 1967...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38what's going on in that shop?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Well, let's... How many people here would go
0:13:42 > 0:13:44and have their shoes fixed at the cobblers?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47We'll have a show of... Show of feet. Show of feet. That's loads.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Richard, you've got it all wrong, loads of people go to the cobblers.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Do you know what? I'm choosing not to look.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:56OK, then. Why are people having their shoes fixed?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00What's going on in the world? No-one is wearing expensive enough shoes...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Expensive shoes last for ever. - You don't wear high-heels...do you?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10To be fair, they haven't invented the ceiling yet that would
0:14:10 > 0:14:11allow me to wear high-heels.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15You need to have heels renewed quite often.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Anyway, I don't think enough people are getting their shoes fixed
0:14:18 > 0:14:20that these people are funding their shops,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23so I'm deeply suspicious, is all I'm saying.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Oh, they could be a front. - Well, of course they're a front.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I think it's a given they're a front,
0:14:29 > 0:14:30but what are they a front for?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- A lot of cobblers also fix keys. - I know they do.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35And that's part of my theory.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39They're a front for cutting keys!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Oh, Frank. How naive.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49What are the two things that cobblers' shops actually do? What do they actually do?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52They cut your keys and they make house signs for you.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54OK? So you're spending hundreds of pounds
0:14:54 > 0:14:57making your house as secure as you possibly want, burglar alarms,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59fitting all sorts of lock.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01You're then going along to a man who pretends to fix shoes,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04who you don't know, you're saying, "Here are my keys.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06"I'll be back in an hour.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"And while I'm here, could you make a big,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12"idiosyncratic sign to show you exactly where I live?"
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And we wonder how they're funding themselves.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17And then they wear your own shoes to burgle your house,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19so they can't trace the footprints.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Exactly.- It's like the best episode of The Wire EVER.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- Can I ask a personal question? - Of course you can.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- What size shoe do you take? - I take a 14.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32AUDIENCE GASPS
0:15:32 > 0:15:35How lovely to get a gasp for your shoe size.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37So I'd have thought...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Are they quite hard to find, size 14s?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Well, I tend to sort of leave them by the door, so it's...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:56OK. Well, I'm worried about cobblers, but you argue it well.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00So, what doesn't Roisin like about modern life?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Me.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Selfies.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Yes.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Er, "selfie" is a word used for people who take
0:16:15 > 0:16:19photos of themself relentlessly and put them online.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I don't mind a selfie where people sort of look ridiculous,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- but the sort of vain... Like that... - Yeah, thanks.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29But the sort of need people have to sort of document their own
0:16:29 > 0:16:32existence to the point now they just take photos of themselves
0:16:32 > 0:16:35looking nice, and, sort of, you have lots of young teenage girls
0:16:35 > 0:16:38sort of pulling that face, doing that.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40And anyone over 40 does take one like this,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42sort of just looking into it.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44And you know what's really upsetting,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46is these people have got, like, 5,000 followers on Twitter,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49and yet no-one to take a photo of them.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52It's like at least have the decency to hide your own arm
0:16:52 > 0:16:54so it looks like you were with someone
0:16:54 > 0:16:58and someone else thought your dress was nice enough to photo.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- You can actually crop the pictures...- Totally.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- ..and get your arm off. - It's the lack of intelligence that upsets me the most about selfies.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08You know that famous Van Gogh self-portrait?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11If you actually looked at the original version of that...
0:17:11 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:18..that was actually a selfie.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Are you familiar with "hot dogs or legs"?
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Sorry?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Hot dogs or legs.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Are we familiar with hot dogs? - I'm familiar with both of those things but not as an option.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Not "Are you familiar with either hot dogs or legs,"
0:17:29 > 0:17:32the phenomenon of "hot dogs or legs"? No.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It's a selfie-based phenomenon.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40So, what you have to do, people take a photo of themselves, maybe,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44and you have to guess whether it is their legs or whether it's hot dogs.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Let me show you an example.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51LAUGHTER
0:17:51 > 0:17:55It's tricky, isn't it? I'll show you another one.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57You'll get this one.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- What do you think? - Hot dogs.- Yes.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I think they've used the napkin to try and create a skirt...
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Yeah. Went too far.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08..to fool us.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11This last one really... This confuses me.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I think that that's a leg and a hot dog.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Because...- Yeah, it's a leg on the left, isn't it?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Yeah, that one on the right, you don't get a thighbone that
0:18:22 > 0:18:23bends in like that normally.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- I think that's legs. - I think that's legs.- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Can I just say - why are we doing the rest of the show?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Can we not just do this for half an hour?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I think I have a problem with photos in general.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Really?- Yeah, I think we take too many photos to try
0:18:38 > 0:18:41and document everything all the time. That's a whole other Room 101.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44When people come back from holiday, I'll give you a piece of advice -
0:18:44 > 0:18:46if they've got photos, tell them to choose their best three.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I'm not going through 100 photos.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Choose your best three, think about it, then I'll have a look.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01One good thing about the selfie is I used to send texts for various
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- reasons to various people. - Oh, dear.- Uh-oh.- No!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07And then I thought, actually, I can save myself a lot of texting time.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11I sort of use selfies in order to send messages.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14So I've got a few examples that I use.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16"I'm sorry I'm running late."
0:19:19 > 0:19:20"Thanks for dinner."
0:19:23 > 0:19:27And I haven't actually used this one yet, but I've got it in waiting.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Here it is. This is, "I'm having a heart attack".
0:19:35 > 0:19:38They've saved me a hell of a lot of time, I must say.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Anyway, what doesn't Joan like about modern life?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Customer service surveys.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- Hmm.- No options. None of the options that we want.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59You're given options from - disappointing, good,
0:19:59 > 0:20:00very good, brilliant.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05What you want to tell them is fired up with real hatred
0:20:05 > 0:20:09of what the experience has been like, and there's no scope for that.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13They only want you to tick these boxes, there's no human emotion here.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Most people don't do these surveys at all,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19so the people who have sent this round get a distorted view
0:20:19 > 0:20:23that everybody has to tick something, so they tick "good",
0:20:23 > 0:20:27and they say, "This product is an absolute hit with the public."
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It's completely deluded.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Isn't it nice that they care about our opinion?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35No, they don't care. It's a marketing ploy.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39If they cared they wouldn't... This is advertising speak.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42This is to placate the managing director.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43This is to please the shareholders.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46This is nothing to do with the service they give you.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48They want praise.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Everybody wants praise, but this is a deluded way of going about it,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54because you convince people you're running a successful business
0:20:54 > 0:20:59when all your customers are furious with the lack of standards.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04So, in the interests of consumers I think these should go in Room 101.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07APPLAUSE
0:21:07 > 0:21:11This is my favourite ever complaint in a cafe or restaurant.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15That's written in ketchup and mustard.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Wow.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19That's what they call complaining with relish.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Can I end this on a happy note?
0:21:24 > 0:21:28On the subject of customer service, I love this.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33A man took his eight-year-old son on holiday to the Ritz Carlton Hotel
0:21:33 > 0:21:39in Florida, and when he left they forgot his cuddly toy, Joshy.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43The child was in bits, and the dad said,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47"Well, the thing is, Joshy, you know, he's getting on now.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49"He's having a vacation on his own."
0:21:49 > 0:21:53So then he desperately phoned the hotel and said, "Is Joshy there?"
0:21:53 > 0:21:54They said, "Yeah, we've got it."
0:21:54 > 0:21:57And he said, "OK, well, can you hold on to it for a few days,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00"cos I've told him that Joshy's on vacation?"
0:22:00 > 0:22:06And they sent back a series of pictures of Joshy enjoying
0:22:06 > 0:22:08the hotel facilities.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:17 > 0:22:19LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:24So, you know what? I love that story.
0:22:24 > 0:22:32OK. So, I don't feel I can put cobblers in, Richard.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I just think we'll miss them.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36And selfies, as I think I've proved,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39can be a great practical boon in life.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43But I can see little or no good, you've argued it so well, Joan,
0:22:43 > 0:22:47I am going to put customer service surveys into Room 101.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Next category, please.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Oh, it's the Audience Choice.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11So, it means that someone here tonight has got something
0:23:11 > 0:23:13they want to stick into Room 101.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I think Margaret Wynne should be here tonight.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Are you there, Margaret?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- Hello, Margaret.- Hello.- Now, what would you like to put into Room 101?
0:23:22 > 0:23:29Well, I'd like to put in Room 101 people who pronounce the letter H
0:23:29 > 0:23:30'haitch.'
0:23:30 > 0:23:33APPLAUSE
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Is this commonplace, this, Margaret?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40It is quite common, yes.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42OK. It's a bit of a trap, though, isn't it,
0:23:42 > 0:23:47H, in that everything suggests it should be a 'h'
0:23:47 > 0:23:50cos we've learnt so much from H that there should be a 'h'.
0:23:50 > 0:23:57- And then, of all the letters not to have a 'h', it's H.- Yes.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I think it's brought it on itself, in so many ways.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Yeah, but you wouldn't say 'wouble U,' would you?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Oh, we should say 'wouble U,' shouldn't we?- That would be amazing.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13- That's much better.- I was watching Countdown this very week.
0:24:13 > 0:24:19And a man on Countdown kept saying, "Constanant, please, Rachel.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22"Constanant, vowel. Constanant."
0:24:22 > 0:24:26And he wasn't corrected. On Countdown!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29The very bastion of correct language.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33So, you know, standards are dropping and we need people like you.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38- Definitely.- Pedants.- Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. It...
0:24:38 > 0:24:44It shows how ill-educated the person is who says 'haitch.'
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Isn't it uneducated?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47No, it's h-ill-educated, I think.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:50APPLAUSE
0:24:53 > 0:24:54But the language changes.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57There was a time where you always had to drop the H
0:24:57 > 0:25:01when you talked about a hotel. You talked about 'an otel.'
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- That was correct pronunciation. - Is that right?
0:25:03 > 0:25:08'An otel,' you dropped the H. So, perhaps, we should drop the H.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10No, I would never drop the H.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13My husband and I had a conversation about it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16And we both decided it's 'a hotel.'
0:25:16 > 0:25:18You sound like a fun couple.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I don't mind. I think people should speak as they want, by and large,
0:25:24 > 0:25:25as long as they're understood.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28The only thing I would change, there's only one thing
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I say to everybody, is there is no such expression as 'would of.'
0:25:31 > 0:25:33That's mine. You can't say it.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35APPLAUSE
0:25:36 > 0:25:38It's all down to etiquette.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Or, as my dad used to call it, 'etiquity.'
0:25:41 > 0:25:43He honestly did.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47I'll tell you what, Margaret, I love your passion about this.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51And I love that you found someone else, clearly, who's also into it.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54It must be like living with Roget.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57So, you know what, I am going to put people
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- who mispronounce H into Room 101.- Thank you.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Well done.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Well done, Margaret. OK, can we have the next category, please?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21It's the wildcard category, which means no restraints,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24you can pick anything at all you don't like.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26So what is Roisin's wildcard?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Greeting cards with writing already in it.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Right.- I can't bear them.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38If you're going to bother buying and sending someone a card,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41at least have the decency to write your own message.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Erm, and it's become, like, now they're like books.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46You know those cards that have got pages of, like,
0:26:46 > 0:26:51synthetic emotion that I can't compete with, so you're just like,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54"To Mum, love, Roisin," like loads of stuff that's quite dramatic.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Yes.- I don't buy them, and my sister does,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00and then my mum reads that out as if it's from my sister,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and then reads mine out, like, "To Mum, love you".
0:27:02 > 0:27:05She's like, "Oh, you could've made an effort".
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I'm like, "She bought it... Clintons wrote that, not her."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And I just think it's a sign of how busy we are.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Some people put quotation marks around three
0:27:14 > 0:27:17paragraphs of other people's words.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20As in, "What he said. That'll do."
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I like to write under the verse,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25"This is a fair approximation of what I feel."
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I'm always at a loss on what to write on cards,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35so I'm kind of glad for a bit of help.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37This is a card,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40this is for people who've recently split up in a relationship,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44and it says, "You're the strongest person I know."
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I sent one of those to Geoff Capes.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Look, "And I totally believe in you."
0:27:51 > 0:27:53How lovely.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56It didn't really apply to anyone that I knew,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59so I got a bit of Tipp-Ex...
0:27:59 > 0:28:01and I just gave it a bit of a...
0:28:02 > 0:28:06And now I can send them to loads of my friends.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:13See, you've just got to give it a bit of thought.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15I just think we're losing honesty.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19By buying a blank card and having the guts to write a badly spelt,
0:28:19 > 0:28:21woefully articulated,
0:28:21 > 0:28:25earnest message of something to someone should matter.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29And I think buying a card that does it all I find really depressing.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31We've got a picture of a card here.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34This is a birthday card for a one-year-old. Get a load of this.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38It's a fairly standard one. It's your first birthday.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Old-fashioned card, but cuddly and lovely.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Any one-year-old would be pleased to receive that.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46And then on the back it says...
0:28:48 > 0:28:51"Not suitable for children under three years due too small parts."
0:28:53 > 0:28:58This is slightly sad, but a friend of mine was bereaved recently,
0:28:58 > 0:29:02and I sent them this, "With deepest sympathy card",
0:29:02 > 0:29:04and, er, I went for the...
0:29:07 > 0:29:10You see, you condemn the selfie, they're so versatile.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15OK, well, let's see what Joan's wildcard is.
0:29:20 > 0:29:21Chewing gum.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24AUDIENCE GROANS
0:29:24 > 0:29:26How vile is it?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28You mean generally or on pavements?
0:29:28 > 0:29:32Altogether, because it loses its flavour after ten seconds,
0:29:32 > 0:29:33then you've got a mouthful of rubber.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35It doesn't do anything.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39It just sticks there, and your jaw chews around at it, makes lots
0:29:39 > 0:29:44of saliva, horrible, and you look ridiculous, so you spit it out.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Then it disfigures the environment.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49It spoils the pavements, it sticks to people's shoes,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52and it sets up these spots everywhere,
0:29:52 > 0:29:56which are very expensive to remove, and are just a disgrace to the
0:29:56 > 0:29:58environment, which we want to be beautiful.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02So, it really is a threat to the fact that we would like our cities
0:30:02 > 0:30:04to look good.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08And people are irresponsible, just throwing it out. Dropping it.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11The trouble is, as my mother told me,
0:30:11 > 0:30:15if you swallow it, it sticks your insides up.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19Did you used to pull it out, and do that with it?
0:30:19 > 0:30:20Yes, I used to do that.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I've done that with catarrh.
0:30:26 > 0:30:27Oh, my God.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Well, I have one thing that might win you over, Joan,
0:30:32 > 0:30:36and this is something which I think is pretty impressive.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39There is a man, and he's called Ben Wilson,
0:30:39 > 0:30:42and Ben Wilson is known as the chewing gum man.
0:30:42 > 0:30:46Now, we have a photograph of Ben, doing what he does.
0:30:46 > 0:30:53Ben actually paints those chewing gum splodges on the pavement
0:30:53 > 0:30:56which annoy you so much. Now, Ben is here tonight. Where is Ben?
0:30:56 > 0:30:59- Hello, Ben, how are you? - Well done.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09We have a couple of examples of your work, Ben,
0:31:09 > 0:31:10just to give people an idea.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14This is a scene from Archway in North London.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Wow.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20And this is a full English breakfast.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25And can I say, they're definitely sausages.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28So, how did it all start, Ben?
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Well, for years, I worked as an artist,
0:31:32 > 0:31:36and I'd been painting a lot of pictures on billboards,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39defacing the advertising because
0:31:39 > 0:31:42advertisers have a monopoly over public space,
0:31:42 > 0:31:47and it was a way to make creativity happen in a more spontaneous way.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50And technically, if you paint on the chewing gum,
0:31:50 > 0:31:52it's not criminal damage.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Oh, cos you're not painting on the pavement.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57You're not painting on the pavement.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00The City of London Police tried to get me on a criminal damage charge.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02They did arrest me. But I won my case.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05They couldn't make the charges stick.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Well, look, Ben has done something very wonderful,
0:32:14 > 0:32:18because he has mounted some chewing gum on a brick,
0:32:18 > 0:32:23and this shows us the life, basically, of Joan Bakewell.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26If you can see that,
0:32:26 > 0:32:29down there you've got Joan as a child with her family.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31- Good heavens!- Then Joan in the '60s.
0:32:32 > 0:32:37Then Joan as a '70s TV presenter, and then Joan, there she is,
0:32:37 > 0:32:39- as she is now.- Wow.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42And they're really good likenesses. That's fabulous.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50What can I say? I can't retrieve my hatred of this kind of gum,
0:32:50 > 0:32:52but can you get round faster?
0:32:54 > 0:32:56But if people didn't spit it out,
0:32:56 > 0:32:58- poor old Ben wouldn't have anything to paint.- No, no.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02It's beautiful. What about a big hand for Ben? Fabulous art.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08OK. So what is Richard's wildcard?
0:33:13 > 0:33:16It is people telling me I'm tall.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25Because, believe me, I know. I already know.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27I'm reminded in my daily life - I bump my head on things,
0:33:27 > 0:33:30I get tutted at in cinemas and what have you.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32I don't need people endlessly coming up in the streets
0:33:32 > 0:33:34and informing me of the fact.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38I'm 6'7", or I'm 6'8" if I'm trying to get an upgrade on a plane,
0:33:38 > 0:33:40but, lots of people come up to you in the street,
0:33:40 > 0:33:43and people are interested if you're tall,
0:33:43 > 0:33:44and it's exciting and people are lovely.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46So, by and large, it's fine.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48But it's the people who shout out of car windows,
0:33:48 > 0:33:50"Hey, you're tall, mate!"
0:33:51 > 0:33:55Are you approaching a low bridge when they call that?
0:33:55 > 0:33:56It's a warning.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59I'm approaching a high bridge. It looks like a low bridge.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03So, people actually tell you that you're tall?
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Oh, endlessly.
0:34:05 > 0:34:09There's a class of people who delight in telling anyone they're different.
0:34:09 > 0:34:10For most people,
0:34:10 > 0:34:12differences are wonderful things and we celebrate them.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Most people are like that, but there are a group of people as well,
0:34:15 > 0:34:18who, whatever it is in their brains,
0:34:18 > 0:34:22will delight in letting you know that something about you is unusual.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25I mean if your shoelace is undone, that's good. That's helpful.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28If you're telling me I'm tall, I promise you, it's covered.
0:34:28 > 0:34:34- The good thing is, you'd be a really good meeting point...- Yeah.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37If there's a group of friends somewhere, we're going to find you.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40I'm genuinely good for that, it has to be said. People don't lose me.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43- I can go to Glastonbury and people know where I am.- That's great.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45You're virtually a flag.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47LAUGHTER
0:34:47 > 0:34:49I was in a shop the other day, and people quite often ask me
0:34:49 > 0:34:52to get things off high shelves...
0:34:52 > 0:34:54- Do they really? - As I say, most people are lovely.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58So I'm in a shop and there's a lady, must have been 70-odd, very, very short, and she said,
0:34:58 > 0:35:02"You couldn't get me some eggs from up there, could you?" I said, "Oh, absolutely".
0:35:02 > 0:35:04So I got them and gave them to her, and she just went,
0:35:04 > 0:35:07"Is there anything I can get you from down here?"
0:35:07 > 0:35:10LAUGHTER
0:35:13 > 0:35:19I've invented something. It's called the height reversal platform.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23- OK.- You're nine inches taller than me.- Uh-huh.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27And it must be, for you, thinking, "God, what's it like for Frank
0:35:27 > 0:35:30"being next to a man who's nine inches..?"
0:35:30 > 0:35:36So the height reversal platform, if you'll come and join me, Richard,
0:35:36 > 0:35:40means that we can show you what it would be like if you were me...
0:35:40 > 0:35:42- OK.- ..as it were.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45So can you bring on the height reversal platform, please?
0:35:52 > 0:35:55- OK.- I've got you.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00- So I stand on here, you step into those...- Ah.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10This is what you're like to me.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14- God, you're tall, aren't you? - Yeah. Can I try these?
0:36:14 > 0:36:15There we go.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18There you go.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20People watching this will think,
0:36:20 > 0:36:23"Yeah, God, that Richard Osman's dressed smart."
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Or they might think, "Blimey, Michael Gove's tall."
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Actually, it'd be interesting to see what would happen if we, er...
0:36:37 > 0:36:40- If instead of balancing, it made things...- Reverse around.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43- Yeah.- Let's blow people's minds, Frank.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49LAUGHTER
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Thank you, Richard.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04The height reversal platform, ladies and gentlemen.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07CHEERING
0:37:09 > 0:37:10I love the removal men.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13They're like something from Laurel and Hardy, aren't they?
0:37:13 > 0:37:18So, Roisin, I've often been very glad of a bit of help with
0:37:18 > 0:37:19a greetings card, I must admit.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23Although the poetry's bad, it means I don't have to write stuff,
0:37:23 > 0:37:26so I just can't put that into Room 101.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30Joan, you argued so well, and I am anti-litter, very, very much so,
0:37:30 > 0:37:33but I just thought Ben's art was so good,
0:37:33 > 0:37:35I just don't feel I can put it in.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37But, Richard, I do feel for you.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Can anyone watching just... He knows. He knows.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42And consequently, I'm going to put
0:37:42 > 0:37:45people telling Richard he's tall into Room 101.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59And that brings us to the end of the show,
0:37:59 > 0:38:03and well done, Richard, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,
0:38:03 > 0:38:05so you are tonight's winner.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12So, thank you very much to Richard Osman, to Joan Bakewell
0:38:12 > 0:38:14and Roisin Conaty, and thank you, good night.