0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38the show where three guests compete to cast their greatest gripes
0:00:38 > 0:00:41into the notorious vault that is Room 101.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Joining me tonight are comedian Henning Wehn,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48musical star Michael Ball, and actress Caroline Quentin.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:59So, when you do this show you're asked what you don't like.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Is that a difficult question for you guys?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Yeah, I love life, but there are a lot of things that annoy me.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10And it's quite hard to limit it down to three, I found.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Well, I'm angry at least three times a day.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16So if not I really feel like I'm missing something,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18and then I'm really furious about that.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:24OK. Let's have our first category.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34Modern life. So, what winds up Michael about modern life?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42There isn't a person who won't agree with this.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45It's the junk mail that we get.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48That dread. You go away on holiday, and it's bad enough travelling,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51but, you know, you come, you put the key in the door,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55you can't open the door because it's mounded up, piles and piles.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You get the same...
0:01:57 > 0:01:58How long do you go on holiday for?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:01I don't know if it's just me they pick on,
0:02:01 > 0:02:06but you get the same thing, the same bloody pizza delivery thing.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Don't bother. I don't want it.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I don't know anybody who ever responds to this stuff.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13No. I don't think anybody actually picks it up and goes,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17"Ooh, that looks yum, I must go and get some of that."
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Younger people do.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I mean, it's just...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:27No, it is. I mean, that's just something...
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I mean, if people have reached a certain maturity,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33so then they'll just say, "Oh, I'm set in my ways,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"I don't need to find out..."
0:02:35 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:40More dynamic people might go, "Ooh, there is a new pizza place!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"I must try that out".
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Have you considered, at least, a sign?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- You know those "no junk mail" signs? - I've got one!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49And they go, "Oh, that's nice." In it goes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I like this sign that someone's put on their door.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56No, that IS my sign.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03One thing that puts me off a bit is the pizza, I have discovered,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07is not pizza that's photographed at the shop.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- It's Google Image pizza.- Really?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I have this same problem with those postcards you get in phone boxes.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17It's not them!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Have you considered recycling?
0:03:20 > 0:03:21No. In what way?
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- Well, I had this idea. Do you own a dog?- Yeah, two.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28You know when they get an operation and they have stitches
0:03:28 > 0:03:31and you have to put those funnels on?
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Look at this.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:39This is classic recycling. I'm thinking I could market this.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40It would suffocate him over time.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44There's only so many leaflets you can stick in there.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Yeah. I'm not going to keep adding leaflets to it!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Yeah, but what are you going to do with the rest of the leaflets?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I'm going to make more. I'm not working on one dog.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What kind of a market is that?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Look, actually, I've been
0:03:55 > 0:03:59putting leaflets through people's doors advertising this.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:02 > 0:04:04You see, it works as a....
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It works as a skirt, as well.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Doesn't a dog look better in a skirt?
0:04:11 > 0:04:16We have a clip of someone who seems to hate junk mail as much as you do.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20DOG BARKS MANIACALLY
0:04:38 > 0:04:39That's brilliant.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I want to manage what comes in and out of my house.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43It's like vampires.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45They'll only come in...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Work with me.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Vampires can only come into the house if you invite them.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Really?- Absolutely.- Is that right?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55- What?!- I didn't know that.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Do you watch no television?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02If you say to a vampire, "You can't come in my house."
0:05:02 > 0:05:03They can't come in.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05They have to be invited into your house,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07in order to then suck your blood.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Are you sure you're not thinking of the Jehovah's Witnesses?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:16 > 0:05:20What winds up Caroline about modern life?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Control pants.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Undergarments designed for women, primarily,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I think almost exclusively,
0:05:38 > 0:05:43that are meant to hold in the bits of pork that want to get away.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I find them uncomfortable and hideous and ugly and useless,
0:05:49 > 0:05:53and also I think what's sexy about people is how they move,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57and if you actually make someone immobile when they're going out,
0:05:57 > 0:05:58I think that's not sexy.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I had never heard of the word, "control pants".
0:06:01 > 0:06:05I assumed that was like a euphemism for, like, control freak.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Like, "Oh, yeah, he's a right old control pants, he is".
0:06:12 > 0:06:16I have been subjected to these for years.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19People always say to you, "Oh, is it a photo shoot? Slip those on."
0:06:19 > 0:06:22And they hand you something...that big.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Actually those.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Yeah!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28And then you go off into a corner,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and then you cram yourself into some Lycra.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34As we know in life, what goes up, must come down,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36and in my case...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39..everything tends to come upwards.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44So this bit of my person rises to about here,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47and then I can't eat or move for the rest of the day.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Maybe if it came out the top,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52you could have a self-generated snood.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Are they nice and warm?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Yeah.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Well, they're very, very warm.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I don't know about nice and warm, they're incredibly hot.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I wear long johns in the winter.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08But when you're going out for dinner or something,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10you're going to dress up nicely, Henning,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13you don't think, "Oh, I'll put some long johns on
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"under my dinner suit," do you?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Depends on the outside temperature.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Women in this audience will know exactly what I'm talking about,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26and I don't think you understand
0:07:26 > 0:07:29quite how grim they are to wear, these things.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I'm very thin, with a little potbelly.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33I look like...
0:07:33 > 0:07:36You know when you see those pictures of a snake that's swallowed a goat?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41So, I really... A girdle would be perfect for me.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43As it is, I just opted for a desk.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46I'd rather wear a desk.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50OK, then. So what doesn't Henning like about modern life?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Yeah. Well, there is nothing wrong with buckets.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:06But what they're used for is evil.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10So what I absolutely hate is anything to do with fundraising.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- You know...- I thought that'd get a big round of applause!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19You know them e-mails, don't you, Frank?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Them e-mails that go like,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"Ooh, I'm going to do a fun thing I always wanted to do.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26"Give generously."
0:08:26 > 0:08:27What?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31I've just done one of those, and I sent all my friends an e-mail
0:08:31 > 0:08:33saying, "I'm doing a 30-mile... Please sponsor me."
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Next time, I'm going to do that to you.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38What response will I get?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Well, I'll send you lots of junk mail round.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I think it's outrageous. I mean, if you want to do something,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47why do you bother other people about it?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48I think it's outrageous!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50It's like a friend of mine
0:08:50 > 0:08:53recently went on a 100k fell walk in the Pennines,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57and he was seriously angry with me for me not donating any money.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58I said, "Listen, where I'm from,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01"you going for a walk shouldn't set me back."
0:09:01 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:11You know all them e-mails, don't you?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Like, "Oh, I'm going to go to Rio de Janeiro,
0:09:14 > 0:09:18"sunbathe on the Copacabana and watch football at the Maracana...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"for charity."
0:09:24 > 0:09:26We have a clip here. You'll like this.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29This is students trying to raise money for their rag week.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- Rag week?- What's that?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35It's a charity event in universities and colleges.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Total waste of time, they should study instead.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Well, the idea in this is they send balloons
0:09:41 > 0:09:45with the names of their sponsors out into the world,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47and if you find one of these, you send it back.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49The first one back wins a prize.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51So, this is the grand launch.
0:09:51 > 0:09:57- CROWD:- Five, four, three, two, one, launch!
0:10:05 > 0:10:06CHEERING
0:10:09 > 0:10:12BALLOONS POP
0:10:12 > 0:10:15AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:10:27 > 0:10:30The worst month to live in the UK, without a shadow of a doubt,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32is November...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35and that's got nothing to do with Remembrance Sunday.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Or, as I like to call it, Highly-Selective Remembrance Sunday.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:45You're so on a winner here.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49The thing that really drives me...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51You're used to losing, so...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55APPLAUSE
0:10:55 > 0:10:56It's started.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Yeah, thanks for bringing that up.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:03That Hitler was a right control pants, wasn't he?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Sorry, Henning.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Because in November, there's people coming up to me asking me
0:11:12 > 0:11:15for my hard-earned, because they are not shaving.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Movember.- That Movember nonsense. I mean, what's the next step?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Getting beaten up if you maintain standards and do shave?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Who is behind the Movember movement?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Is it the Taliban?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Ridiculous. Start to finish, ridiculous. And everyone's at it.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Everyone's at it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Ian Botham, he didn't get his OBE for playing cricket.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41He got his OBE for walking all the way from Cornwall
0:11:41 > 0:11:44to the north tip of Scotland for charity,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and Eddie Izzard running 50 marathons in 50 days,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50and David Walliams swimming across the Channel
0:11:50 > 0:11:52and down the Thames for Comic Relief -
0:11:52 > 0:11:55or, to be more precise, his own ego...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER
0:12:00 > 0:12:03They're all very British achievements, aren't they?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Walking a lot, running a lot, swimming a lot -
0:12:05 > 0:12:07they're all very British achievements,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09because nothing's been produced.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:15 > 0:12:17How would you raise money, then?
0:12:17 > 0:12:21In Germany we don't do charity, we pay tax.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28And we haven't heard of that in this country (!)
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I must say, one thing which annoys me,
0:12:30 > 0:12:35I do a lot of celebrity TV shows.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37If you do Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
0:12:37 > 0:12:42you don't win anything, you have to give it to charity.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I don't like it.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45LAUGHTER
0:12:45 > 0:12:47You know when he holds the cheque and says
0:12:47 > 0:12:48"We don't want to give you that",
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I always want to say, "Yeah, and I don't want to give it to charity.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58There should be a special celebrity one where celebrities win money.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02It should be called, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (Again)?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04LAUGHTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Anyway, we come to the end of the Modern Life round
0:13:08 > 0:13:11and it's been fun.
0:13:12 > 0:13:19The control pants thing, I can understand how they are a restraint,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21but I think that they...
0:13:21 > 0:13:24There's something that's a little bit intriguing
0:13:24 > 0:13:25and exciting about them.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28That's why they should go, Frank.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I'm sorry, Caroline. I know what you mean,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33but I am not going to put control pants into Room 101.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38That sounded like a lot of people taking them off.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41LAUGHTER
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That's exactly what it's like!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Junk mail. I never understand why people get so angry about junk mail.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'm always interested to find out about a new takeaway
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- or local cab firm.- You're weird.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00I have to say, although it goes against all my inner goodness,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02that you have argued your case so well,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I am going to put fundraising into Room 101.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08APPLAUSE
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Right. Let's have our next category.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26People. Right. What kind of people doesn't Caroline like?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I don't like clairvoyants...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Oh.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41..because I don't believe in clairvoyants.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I don't like them for lots of reasons, but it seems that
0:14:46 > 0:14:49everybody here kind of understands what I'm talking about.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I went to, erm...
0:14:50 > 0:14:55It was a show, and I went along to see three people
0:14:55 > 0:14:59who claimed to be able to see...beyond.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02First of all, we were introduced to a lady who walked out and said,
0:15:02 > 0:15:07"Oh, oh, oh, I've got... Oh, something's coming through."
0:15:09 > 0:15:11You get to a certain age...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15She walked in front of the audience, she said, "Yes, I can feel something
0:15:15 > 0:15:19"coming from this bit of the audience here, something coming through."
0:15:19 > 0:15:22This woman, I think, just took advantage by saying things like,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24"Oh, oh! There's an old man.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26"He's got glasses on. He's using a stick.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"Does anyone know an old man who uses a stick?"
0:15:29 > 0:15:31It's like, what are the chances?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34"And he's died. I think he's not breathing very well.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36"I think when he died, he had trouble breathing."
0:15:36 > 0:15:38That's what dying is!
0:15:39 > 0:15:43It was humiliating and embarrassing and it was slightly cruel.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- But do you think anyone has a gift? - No.- Can sense things?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I'm basing it on this evening of clairvoyancy,
0:15:49 > 0:15:51at the cricket club. And...
0:15:51 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:55you know, I wasn't convinced by anybody.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59At one point, she said, "I've got Swansea coming through. Swansea."
0:15:59 > 0:16:01And no-one said anything at all.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04She went, "Anyone been to Swansea, ever?"
0:16:04 > 0:16:06No-one, nothing at all, and she went,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08"DVLA? Anybody got a car?"
0:16:10 > 0:16:11It was desperate.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14A friend of mine went to see one in Watford.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16He swears this is true.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19This bloke come out and says, "I've got the letter D. The letter D.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22"I've got a name. The letter D. Anyone? The letter...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"Dad".
0:16:24 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:30This brings me on to Derek Acorah.
0:16:31 > 0:16:38Who doesn't only speak to humans in the world of spirits.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I'm joined here, please, by a real bright spark.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44He's only small in stature but, woosh!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Did he have a bit of a dynamo, this dog!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49What I mean, about his energy.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Erm... Thank you.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55I'm going to describe, please, he's only a little guy.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00We would call him... OK...very small legs.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Small body.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Tail clipped.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10He's white and he's got brown...light brown patches and dark brown patches.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Would that fit with the memory of your dog?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Near enough, he was...black with a white...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Yeah.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:22 > 0:17:25That's near enough, isn't it?
0:17:25 > 0:17:26What about Uri Geller?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29To be honest, I've not witnessed Uri's...talents.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I'll show you how remarkable
0:17:31 > 0:17:33the psychic powers of Uri Geller can be.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35This is in Croatia,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38and just in the street he decides to show his powers.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40HE WHISTLES AND CLUCKS
0:17:44 > 0:17:47HE COOS AT THE DOG
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Guess the age of the dog, please?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I can tell exactly. This dog...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57is nine years old.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Seven and a half, nine.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01LAUGHTER
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Who's dog?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Your dog?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Is he about eight years old?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- Two and a half.- Only two and a half!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:25OK. So what sort of people wind up Michael?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35People who wear comedy pants, socks and ties.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40They're the most pointless things going. They're never funny.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44They, I think, are worn by people who show a lack of humour.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Especially the Christmas ones that have a reindeer
0:18:48 > 0:18:51with a flashing nose on it,
0:18:51 > 0:18:55and you'll get three of them at midnight mass at Christmas...
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- SLURRING:- ..who'll press the nose, and it'll play Jingle Bells,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03and it's hilarious!
0:19:03 > 0:19:04And it's not.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07If it's for the occasion, say it's Christmas,
0:19:07 > 0:19:12and there is a little snowman on it, by all means.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Don't have to be draconian on everything.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:19At last, the voice of reason!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I'm a bit scared about this category, I've just realised,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26because I remember the last time I saw a comedy tie
0:19:26 > 0:19:28was last Christmas on my father-in-law!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30And I'm really scared he's going to be watching this
0:19:30 > 0:19:33and I'm going to say, "I don't like them either,"
0:19:33 > 0:19:35then next Christmas when he wears one...
0:19:35 > 0:19:36- Did you buy them for him?- No.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Who bought him that?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- You did! - I didn't, I didn't!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Who bought him...? Why would you humiliate somebody...?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46This is like a really bad episode of Poirot.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Who bought this tie? We must know.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I think, with the ties,
0:19:53 > 0:19:58I've got a tiny bit of sympathy for people wearing comedy ties.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01They work in an office and they're forced to wear
0:20:01 > 0:20:05shirt and tie all day, every day, and then probably,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08as a tiny act of rebellion, they decide, "OK, I'll wear a comedy..."
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I mean, they still look like plonkers, don't get me wrong.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16So I can understand the psyche of why they say, "OK, I'll put one on."
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Have you never seen a tie which is sort of a comedy tie
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- that you've thought, "Actually, that's quite a good tie?"- No.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I've got one. I think this is quite funny.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26If we can actually read that.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30It says, "Fat men are harder to kidnap".
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I bought this for Terry Waite.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- And, you're right, he didn't laugh.- No.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49And pants, as well. Comedy pants, comedy socks.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52They're pointless. They're always cheap.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53They're vulgar.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Well, what about these? These are for men.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02They're for men who like Maltese Terriers, and it says,
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- "My heart belongs to a Maltese". - They're not really for men.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09They're not for men. They're not for men. That's never for a man.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11They are for men.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Dog pants on a man looks better than human tights on a dog.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:27 > 0:21:30That's horrific. That's horrific!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- I like a comedy sock. And in fact, this evening...- Uh-oh.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Oh, God. - I have... You'll like these.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45APPLAUSE
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Yeah, we love those.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Do you know what? I love them. - I knew you would!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57OK. Well, what sort of people...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:21:59 > 0:22:01..make Henning Wehn angry?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh, dear.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:12 > 0:22:15BOOING
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Now, come on. They're my lot. I can make fun about them.
0:22:22 > 0:22:28I suggest we abolish the monarchy, because I feel, well, see,
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- I feel so sorry for all the members of the- Royal Family. Why?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Well, because, you know, life is about bettering yourself,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37but, when you're born into the Royal Family,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40how are they going to better themselves?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"Here's everything."
0:22:42 > 0:22:44"OK, then."
0:22:44 > 0:22:47And then all you can do is try and drop not too many balls
0:22:47 > 0:22:52over the course of your life, so I think it's unfair on them.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56So, now imagine William and Harry born into a regular family.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01I mean, you could easily see Harry getting a job at a garage,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03and William, I mean, who is to say William couldn't make it up
0:23:03 > 0:23:07into middle management in a recruitment company?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Let's abolish the monarchy and give them an opportunity
0:23:10 > 0:23:12of upward social mobility.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:17 > 0:23:23I've got a soft spot for the sort of crazy soap opera of the royals.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I really like Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32I'd like to hang out with them. They look like a really good laugh.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34You saw them at the royal wedding?
0:23:34 > 0:23:40I bet you they bought those hats for, like, a Halloween party
0:23:40 > 0:23:42then one of them said, "Hey, let's wear it for the royal wedding,"
0:23:42 > 0:23:44then they went, "Shut up!"
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- LAUGHTER - I mean, they are incredible, the royals, aren't they?
0:23:48 > 0:23:53Absolutely incredible, how they manage to create a worldwide profile,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55like the royal wedding that was watched
0:23:55 > 0:23:57by three billion people worldwide,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00that is just incredible. Even in London,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03there was one million people lining the streets of London
0:24:03 > 0:24:06to see over-privileged people drive non-competitively.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:12They've got an amazing pulling power, you have to give it to them.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16As we all know, they are essentially German, the British monarchy.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Well, not all Germans are good people.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:25I mean, Queen Victoria apparently spoke with a German accent.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26This is... This is not a joke,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29this is literally the voice of Queen Victoria.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31SCRATCHY RECORDING
0:24:31 > 0:24:35VOICE BARELY DISCERNABLE
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I see why they named a railway station after her!
0:24:45 > 0:24:49George V was the Queen's grandfather.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Apparently, he was the first monarch to speak without a German accent
0:24:53 > 0:24:55since 1714.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Even the Duke of Edinburgh, his family name
0:24:57 > 0:25:00is Schleswig Holstein Sonderburg Glucksburg.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03# Everybody's talking 'bout pop music. #
0:25:06 > 0:25:09So, have you ever... Have you met them? Any of them?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11You would think they'd invite me round for tea,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- but, no, never met them. - But there is...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Have you, Michael? - Well, once or twice.
0:25:20 > 0:25:26Here's a clip of Prince Charles at the Doctor Who studios in Cardiff,
0:25:26 > 0:25:27so he must be all right.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33DALEK: We are the masters of this planet.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34EXTERMINATE!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Would you like to have a go?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- I don't think my voice will... - Give it a go.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45- Do you make it...?- You have to do some serious hectoring.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46- DALEK VOICE:- You have to!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- DALEK VOICE:- Exterminate!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Exterminate! Exterminate!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53That's very good.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55There's a bit later, which we couldn't show,
0:25:55 > 0:25:59when he starts going, "Mum, abdicate! Mum, abdicate!"
0:26:05 > 0:26:07So that is the end of the round
0:26:07 > 0:26:11and I am not going to put the Royal Family in,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14because I just love all that pomp and circumstance.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17APPLAUSE
0:26:17 > 0:26:20And I'm not going to put comedy socks, pants and ties in,
0:26:20 > 0:26:24because I identify with the office joker and his wacky sense of humour.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I think that's marvellous. But you're right, clairvoyants,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29although they are extremely entertaining,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31they're also extremely exploitative, in many ways,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34so I am going to put clairvoyants into Room 101.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Quite right.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Next category, please.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56OK, it's the wildcard. So, the gloves are off.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59You can choose anything at all that you don't like.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01What is Caroline's wildcard?
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Knick-knacks.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Ooh.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15Yeah. Bibelots. Trinkets. Bits and bobs.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Basically, I've chosen the things that, as I'm getting older,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I find myself mysteriously drawn to.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I would not have given house room to a stone with two googly eyes
0:27:28 > 0:27:32and a tail when I was 45, but the minute I turned 50,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I can't walk through a gift shop without touching cushions
0:27:35 > 0:27:37with tapestry kittens on,
0:27:37 > 0:27:43or bookmarks with "Darling, sister, how I love thee," on them.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46It's something I think that happens to you when you hit the menopause,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49and it's a biological response to crap.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- And whereas, before, you were perfectly rational...- Mm-hmm.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56..when you hit the menopause, your temperature goes way up,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59and you start buying fudge and notepads.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03It's like you can't...
0:28:03 > 0:28:06So why don't you put the menopause, then, into Room 101?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Because...
0:28:09 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:16..the menopause is the result of having been fertile
0:28:16 > 0:28:19and without fertility, you wouldn't be here.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Mum!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:29You've got tat all behind you, you see. You've got all that stuff.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- Yeah.- I love it. I love a bit of clutter.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- You've got a Toby jug there. - This is absolute...
0:28:33 > 0:28:37This is not for comedy purposes. I took a photo of this. I own this.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41This is a vacuum cleaner cover that I bought.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49It's a country mouse vacuum cleaner cover.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51It's really quite grotesque.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54It's a little bit frightening at night.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Where do you hold it?
0:28:58 > 0:29:02You have to take it off the Hoover. You don't hoover with it.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04I don't want people to come round
0:29:04 > 0:29:06and think I'm dancing with a woodland creature.
0:29:06 > 0:29:11I also find myself hanging around the back page of the supplements,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13- you know those...- Oh, yeah!
0:29:13 > 0:29:15I know! It's a fairy with a clock on her back!
0:29:15 > 0:29:19Who knew I wanted that, but I do!
0:29:19 > 0:29:22We've got some examples of those, look.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24This is the Jewel Of Christmas musical egg.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Now, that's champion, that.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35- They're not cheap, those sorts of things.- No, because they're good.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41- It is beautiful.- It is, but it looks to me like a small bird
0:29:41 > 0:29:43has got into a Venus flytrap.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Well, they're hideous. They're hideous, ugly things.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50All you're going to do is to dust them
0:29:50 > 0:29:55and then you'll die and you'll hand them on to your family
0:29:55 > 0:29:58who then don't know what to do with them and take them to a car-boot sale
0:29:58 > 0:30:02where someone like me comes along and is strangely drawn to them again
0:30:02 > 0:30:06and the whole cycle goes on and on and on.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10The thing when I was a kid, everyone used to have those things,
0:30:10 > 0:30:13- including us, a gift from Weymouth...- Yeah.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16..and stuff. And I think people brought those back to prove
0:30:16 > 0:30:19they hadn't really served a short custodial sentence.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25It was like, "We really did go to Weymouth."
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Where would you put Christmas tree decorations?
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Would you put that as a knick-knack?
0:30:29 > 0:30:33- Ohh! Em... Ooh...- No?
0:30:33 > 0:30:36- So difficult! I...- No, a knick-knack's out permanently.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37Yeah, you're right.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41Let me show you an actual example. This is commercially available.
0:30:41 > 0:30:42Absolutely!
0:30:42 > 0:30:44CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:30:44 > 0:30:46- Is that you?- That's me!
0:30:46 > 0:30:49We haven't made that, you can buy that.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52And we did.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55- And I'm very, very grateful. - Good, I'm glad you like it.
0:30:55 > 0:31:00Just out of curiosity, what number of units do you shift of them?
0:31:02 > 0:31:04At least 47.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07That's good going!
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Let's see what Henning's wildcard is.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20Yeah, well, after rather controversial
0:31:20 > 0:31:24selections in the past, I play it safe and...
0:31:24 > 0:31:27what I definitely want to outlaw is people singing Happy Birthday
0:31:27 > 0:31:29in a restaurant.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31APPLAUSE
0:31:35 > 0:31:37I like singing in any context.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39It's nice that people... A bit of community singing.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43- But it's not, really. - There's something lovely about community singing.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Not really, because it's not a community feeling, is it?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47Because it's, essentially, you separate yourself
0:31:47 > 0:31:49from the rest of the restaurant.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52So, like, there is a pizza place round where I live
0:31:52 > 0:31:54and they do very good pizzas,
0:31:54 > 0:31:57but you have to have eaten there by a quarter past six.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59If you're not out of there by quarter past six,
0:31:59 > 0:32:00it all starts to kick off.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Every half hour, on the Tannoy, they go,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05# Da, da-da da, da, da. #
0:32:05 > 0:32:08Then somebody bringing out a cake with some candles in,
0:32:08 > 0:32:12then everybody's joining in. You don't even know them!
0:32:12 > 0:32:14And then, if you really want to get involved,
0:32:14 > 0:32:17move over to their table and say, "Ooh, who's birthday is it, then?
0:32:17 > 0:32:19"Where is my slice of cake?"
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Most people, they can't even sing properly.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26That is another annoying thing.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I mean, if I want to hear people sing out of tune, I go to church.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35All I'm saying is, if I were to run a restaurant,
0:32:35 > 0:32:39I would definitely have an outdoor area,
0:32:39 > 0:32:40like a smoking outdoor area,
0:32:40 > 0:32:43I would have a Happy-Birthday-singing outdoor area.
0:32:43 > 0:32:48Whoever wants to make a spectacle of themselves can go out there.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53- Can I show you my favourite ever birthday cake?- Yes.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56This was... What happened, I'll tell you the back story of this.
0:32:56 > 0:33:01This woman phoned up the cake company and this is what she said.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05She said she wanted "Best wishes, Suzanne", and then underneath that,
0:33:05 > 0:33:09"We will miss you," and this is the cake that she got delivered.
0:33:19 > 0:33:23OK, then. Let's see what Michael's wildcard is.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31I feel terrible doing this,
0:33:31 > 0:33:37but it's giving grown men stuffed animals and teddy bears as presents.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41I've had one or two.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44I've got enough now.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46I don't need any more. And it's not just me.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49People do it to a lot of...a lot of blokes.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51They'll send, you know, as a gift.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54And I suppose when you get them, you see the little...
0:33:54 > 0:33:55Bags and bags.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02- Actually...- Henning can't move for teddy bears, can you?
0:34:02 > 0:34:03It's the thought that counts.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05I do understand that,
0:34:05 > 0:34:10but why would you buy a teddy or a panda,
0:34:10 > 0:34:15and think that a grown man would relish that?
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Well, you want to toughen up your image.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21Do you know? You're quite right. You're quite right.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26They don't chuck any of them at rappers.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30- I think he's onto something. - Because it's a lovely thing... - Why do they send that to you?
0:34:30 > 0:34:33I don't know, because they're sending me a hug, and this is...
0:34:33 > 0:34:36I don't know, and I don't want to get into the psychoanalysis of it.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40- No.- I just don't want any more, and I mean that in a loving way.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Yes, I'm sure.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46I really do.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49But honestly, why?
0:34:49 > 0:34:51I don't need them.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54I have got my own teddy from when I was a kid, Little Ted.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58I don't have... I never touch it, it's just up on the bookcase.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01I don't have anything... It's been there for years, I never move it.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03I know it's not a living creature,
0:35:03 > 0:35:07but - and I swear this is true - about 18 months ago,
0:35:07 > 0:35:10I moved it slightly cos I realised it couldn't see the television.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Have you considered recycling, Michael?
0:35:18 > 0:35:19I do. I give them away.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23I've been sent probably about a couple of hundred
0:35:23 > 0:35:25- over the years, I would say. - You have?- Yeah.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27What do you do with them?
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Well, I'll show you what I do with them.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33And there's no reason why you shouldn't do this yourself.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35I had them tailored.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:46 > 0:35:48That is awesome.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Let me just get this, get the whole outfit.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55You have to take...
0:35:55 > 0:35:56You have to take the...
0:35:56 > 0:36:00APPLAUSE
0:36:04 > 0:36:07A friend said to me, "It looks like post-nuclear Britain,"
0:36:07 > 0:36:10and I have declared myself king.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16And the eyes. You're thinking, "What do you do with all the eyes, Frank?"
0:36:21 > 0:36:23That's really macabre!
0:36:23 > 0:36:26- Yeah. - It's proper Pearly King, isn't it?
0:36:26 > 0:36:27Yeah, it is.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30It's what I call the Coat Of Many Koalas.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:36:34 > 0:36:37So, look, I love knick-knacks so much
0:36:37 > 0:36:39and I also love people singing in public.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41It's difficult.
0:36:41 > 0:36:45Just because I think Michael is such a personal victim of this attack,
0:36:45 > 0:36:47it's people, as you say, who send teddy bears to grown men.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49It's inappropriately to a 50-year-old man.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53So, on those grounds, I am going to put people who send teddy bears
0:36:53 > 0:36:55to grown men into Room 101.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12OK, and that brings us to the end of the show
0:37:12 > 0:37:14and it's actually a draw.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Now, normally, in these circumstances,
0:37:16 > 0:37:18we have a penalty shoot-out, but just to save time,
0:37:18 > 0:37:21I'm just going to give it straight to Henning, so...
0:37:23 > 0:37:27- ..you're this week's winner. - Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30APPLAUSE
0:37:32 > 0:37:35So, thanks very much, Henning Wehn, Michael Ball
0:37:35 > 0:37:37and Caroline Quentin, and thank you, good night.