0:00:26 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39the show where three guests battle to dispatch their pet hates
0:00:39 > 0:00:40to the infamous vault.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Our guest choices have been sorted into categories.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47In each round only one item can be chosen. The final decision is mine.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are comedian Lee Mack, Hairy Biker Dave Myers,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54and TV legend Ruby Wax.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Legend?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59How come you get "legend"?!
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Let's have our first category.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Television. Watch out. OK.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13What doesn't Lee like about television?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:20APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:23FAINT BOOING
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Top Gear.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Let's put this to bed straightaway.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I'm speaking on behalf of everyone in the world
0:01:29 > 0:01:30when I say cars are boring.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Full stop.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33They're not interesting.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36And even the producers, I think, of the show,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39know that that's true, because what they talk about is never
0:01:39 > 0:01:42the reality of cars, our world of cars.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's that fake reality of things like,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47"Today, we're going to talk about off-road vehicles."
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Am I the only person in the world that's never driven off a road?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I have. I've gone off, but in a normal car.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- Yeah.- I see those women... those women, and I just swerve.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I'm not talking about your heavy-drinking days, Ruby.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I'm talking about... Yeah. It's the language.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05The language doesn't have anything to do
0:02:05 > 0:02:07with my experience of driving, you know.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10You know, you'll hear them say things like, you know,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"If I talked about the new suspension on the Audi 6149,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"you'd say, 'But what about the torque?'"
0:02:16 > 0:02:18No, I wouldn't.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I'd say, "Where's the cup-holder?"
0:02:20 > 0:02:22because that's the only thing...
0:02:22 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:25If it's on the right, good design.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26If it's on the left, it's a bad design
0:02:26 > 0:02:29cos I'm right-handed. That's it. Anything else...
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I know nothing about cars at all. I drive a...a grey one.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I've never seen Top Gear
0:02:37 > 0:02:40cos I have no interest in cars, obviously I haven't watched it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43And so I watched a few episodes...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I've got to say, I really liked it.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Mm. I did... It reminded me... I played cricket once
0:02:49 > 0:02:52with Jeffrey Archer and he was a really nice bloke.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53I was gutted!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:57What do you drive, then?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Well, as it happens, I drive a 1966 Triumph TR4A IRS,
0:03:01 > 0:03:02but that's not the point.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER
0:03:04 > 0:03:06The point is... But it's not the point, is it?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Hold it. That's not true, is it? - It is, yeah.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12But I'd like to point out, because I know nothing about cars,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15but it's an old 1960s classic car, and I love the look of it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- I can definitely appreciate... - Oh, God, he's going on now.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I appreciate the beauty of a car without seeing a programme about it.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Here's a thing. This is a picture of Jeremy Clarkson in a small car.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Now that...that's funny, isn't it?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I won't have a word said against this man.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Once I had him on a talk show, and my husband said,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"Whatever you do, don't ask him for a free car."
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Before he actually hit the leather I said,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42"Jeremy, can you fix me up with a free car?"
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Anyway, he did, about ten years ago, and I've still been using his name.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47He got you a free car?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49He got me a deal. I can't say with who.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- No.- But I... So I have to say "Jaguar!" as much as I can.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:03:58But would you love it more if he did more classics?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I would, because classics look nice.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03All modern cars look roughly the same, don't they, roughly?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, no, not a Jaguar.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:10If you're going to promote them, at least learn to say it properly!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- How am I saying it wrong?- Jag-u-ar - it's three syllables over here.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Blah. You say yours. - You're saying "Jag-uar".- OK.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I don't have time to say that, OK. LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:23This is starting to look like a really bad episode of Top Gear.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I'll tell you what, if he gave her the glasses with that T-shirt,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30it'd be a really bad episode of "Where's Wally?"
0:04:30 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER
0:04:34 > 0:04:37APPLAUSE
0:04:37 > 0:04:40So, what doesn't Dave like about TV?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Deal Or No Deal.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Oh, Frank. Deal Or No Deal.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01It's wrong on so many levels.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Starting with its core value, you know,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09it's the product of cosmic ordering, apparently, by Noel Edmonds.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Apparently, he gets followed by two orbs.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15One's the size of a cantaloupe melon that's his mother.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Two orbs?- Yeah, yeah. Spiritual orbs.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20The other one's like a watermelon and it's his father,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- and they give him positivity and... - Is this true?- Yes.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Well, hold on. Not "true". - No. I'll rephrase it.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Is it true that Noel said this?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Oh, yes. He's written a book on it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And what it has resulted in is, like, a game show
0:05:33 > 0:05:37that's completely and utterly pointless and devoid of skill.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38You know, I mean,
0:05:38 > 0:05:42like, you watch Countdown and that's clever, but Deal Or No Deal,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45you get somebody sweating buckets going...you know,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48there's some poor soul there who needs a new wheelchair,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and they're praying for what's in that box
0:05:50 > 0:05:51to make their dreams come true.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54And he's going, "I'll do my best for you."
0:05:55 > 0:05:59All you've got to do is open a box, haven't you? It's irrelevant.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01APPLAUSE
0:06:02 > 0:06:04You know, then they have specials, don't they?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06They've never got the production values.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09They did, like, a music festival one with a Portaloo,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12and they made somebody sit in the Portaloo.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13I just don't like it, Frank.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:21 > 0:06:23PHONE RINGS
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Yeah, he is, isn't he? Yes. OK.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32He'll give you £10,000 to get off the show.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I'm off.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38How many times have you seen this show?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I've seen it quite a bit because I got into it!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43That's why I hate myself, Ruby!
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Yeah. You're addicted.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Well, I think I've broken it now cos I'm so disillusioned with myself
0:06:47 > 0:06:50but, as I said, I'm more a Countdown kind of person.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Dictionary Corner, the sums, Rachel Riley, it's fascinating.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58I don't watch Countdown cos I'm a Catholic.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01We can't use a conundrum.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Have you seen any of the overseas versions of Deal Or No Deal?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09No, I haven't.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13They're quite different in lots of ways. Look at this.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Featuring the sexy...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25All they have to do is pick the right case.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Contestants will come face to face with...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37And this beauty will do everything in her power
0:07:37 > 0:07:39to make players take a prize
0:07:39 > 0:07:41instead of playing the game.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Vas or no vas?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45CONTESTANTS SHOUT
0:07:51 > 0:07:54That looked like Deal Or No Deal, the movie.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- It's a sexier show.- It is.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I'm even more convinced now that this is worthy of Room 101.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02They could spice it up a bit.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04If they had one box every...
0:08:04 > 0:08:09every show had a box that was completely crammed with wasps.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:15"Argh, it's the wasp box!" That would make it more exciting.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Dave, you've done what I suppose is
0:08:18 > 0:08:22a sort of a reality/game show,
0:08:22 > 0:08:27but one that definitely requires a great deal of skill, like this.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Bring on the wall!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Knees up more, knees up more...!
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Oh!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40APPLAUSE
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I've never done anything like that ever again. Never.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44For how much money wouldn't you?
0:08:46 > 0:08:47OK.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49PHONE RINGS
0:08:49 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:5412 grand?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Yeah, I'm in.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02OK. What television show winds up Ruby?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07This is good.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Oh, very good.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13What is it, Ruby?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I did a show called Celebrity Shark Bait.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Many of you have seen it, I'm sure.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25But Richard E Grant and I did a double suicide, career-wise.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28So we said, "Yeah, who's going to see it, right?"
0:09:28 > 0:09:30And it's a free trip to Cape Town.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33So we go, and there's a girl, I can't remember her name,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- but fabulous cleavage. - She's called Amy Nuttall.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- OK. Well, now I can't say anything. - We have a picture of Amy.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42This will illustrate your, er, your point.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Oh, yeah, there she is. Not bitter at all.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- So Amy clearly had attributes that I don't have, OK.- Mmm.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51So when we got to Cape Town, they never shot with Richard and I.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Every day they'd say, "Go away, old people."
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Sorry to interrupt, but I must be getting really old,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58cos I'm looking at her, and I really want some shortbread.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- That's a sign of age, that, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09OK. Enough now. Enough.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Can we get her off now? OK.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14So the day came to swim with the sharks,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17and the cleavage woman said she wouldn't go in, right?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20After all her training, she wouldn't go in the water,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23so they took the old people, and they put us in a wetsuit.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26We hadn't been prepared, so "shark lady", it said, said,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28"It's perfectly all right.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29"We've never had an incident.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"It's completely safe," and she had three fingers.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Anyway, it was a horrifying thing to watch.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Well, we have a clip.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Oh, my God! Oh, my God, no!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43This is Ruby in the cage.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Oh, my God.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47'Can he stick his head in there?'
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, can you hear me?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Ruby?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Oh, my God!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Oh, my God...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Oh, my God!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh, for God's sake!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06It's huge!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Did you see how big that was?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12How big was it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- It's exhilarating.- That's the biggest high I've ever had...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- in my life.- Fantastic!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20APPLAUSE
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I don't... I think that might be the first time I've ever said,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Oh, my God, it was so huge," and have a bad expression on...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31But, Ruby, you say there
0:11:31 > 0:11:34that it's the biggest high you've ever had in your life.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35It sounds brilliant.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Well, after you get out, but while I was in there, I remember,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I went to the loo, and it came out of my collar.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44SHOCKED LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I had a halo of gold around me.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Seriously. The shark was just disgusted.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER
0:11:54 > 0:11:56That reminds me of my drinking days.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Ruby also did Cirque de Celebrite.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- Do you have any...- Of course we have a clip! You were the ringmaster.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08- Here is... It already looks to me like you're hating it.- Yeah.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11And there's that other matter I promised you at the end of the show,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15the Cirque de Celebrite human pyramid.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17It's unwatchable.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Oh, I mean, unmissable.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21LAUGHTER
0:12:27 > 0:12:29OK. Well, look, you've all argued very well.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I just can't put Top Gear in because I've accidentally,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35during the research for you hating it, have fallen in love with it.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Well, whatever. I'm easy-going.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Oh, no. Sorry.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42LAUGHTER
0:12:45 > 0:12:48And I think you're right.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52There is just a total randomness about Deal Or No Deal,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55but I've always been a great fan of gullibility
0:12:55 > 0:12:58in all its manifestations, so I kind of like it for that.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02But I think you argue with such fervour and personal pain...
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- Yeah.- ..that I am going to put Celebrity Shark Bait...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Thank you.- ..into Room 101. - Thank you.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10APPLAUSE
0:13:19 > 0:13:21OK. Next category, please.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Oh, it's the audience choice.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I think Neil Barton is in the audience somewhere.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33There you are, Neil.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35What would you like to put into Room 101?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Er, newscasters who think they're comedians.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Oh, OK.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43It seems to be coming a bit of a common theme
0:13:43 > 0:13:46that the newsreaders are sort of slipping into comedy,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49but without the advantage of having any timing.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53We have a very good exhibit A for your argument.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57This is from Channel 4 news and I've seen some things on telly
0:13:57 > 0:14:01that have made me wince, but this is really something.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Ban Ki-moon thinks it's all a force for world peace.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06But I just think it's a lot of fun.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07So here goes.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10# Oppa C4 style
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# C4 style
0:14:15 > 0:14:17# Wop, wop, wop, wop
0:14:20 > 0:14:21# C4 style
0:14:23 > 0:14:25# Woh, woh, he-e-ey
0:14:25 > 0:14:27# Sexy newsroom... #
0:14:29 > 0:14:32You know what - it's hard in high heels, don't try.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:39- Need I say more?- Children In Need is supposed to get this out of newsreaders' systems.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44But that was...pretty awful.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Do you have any feelings on this topic?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49They always used to do like a soft story at the end of the news
0:14:49 > 0:14:53about somebody's West Highland terrier that got caught in a pipe.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- And it always ended nicely. - Did you make that up?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- No, I've got a West Highland terrier.- Did he get caught in a pipe?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Yeah, got on the news as well.
0:15:07 > 0:15:13I bet 70% of this audience could read the news tonight.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17If I took you to a studio, have half an hour looking at the script,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20you'd be able to do it. It's the easiest job on television.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Reading out loud and looking concerned.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28We have an example from Russian news.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32This is about the, um... It's the Israeli-Syria war.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I believe, is it?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- The Israeli-Syria war? - WOMAN: Yes, it is.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Thank you.- It makes me laugh. Just a minute ago you said,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43"Anyone can read the news." "Is it, er...is it Israel-Syria?"
0:15:47 > 0:15:51No. I said 70% of the audience. I didn't say me.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56This is an example from Russian news and it's a man talking about
0:15:56 > 0:15:59the Israel-Syria war and I have to say, I think this is brilliant.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:25 > 0:16:28HE COUGHS
0:16:31 > 0:16:34So, Neil, I like your passion on this.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Dave, what do you think? Neil or no Neil?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Oh, no.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44OK. So I am not going to put funny newsreaders into 101.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46AUDIENCE: Ah!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48But what about a big hand for Neil?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:57OK. Next category, please.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06It's modern life. So, what doesn't Dave like about modern life?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Chunky chips.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Chunky chips are so wrong.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21You know, I cook for a living, but chunky chips,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I wouldn't cook them, I wouldn't eat them.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26It just doesn't work. They're always raw in the middle.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29They're kind of cooked wrong on the outside.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31You see, when you deep-fry, what happens, Frankie...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33RUBY PRETENDS TO SNORE
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- If you get your temperatures right...- Yeah.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41..like, the potato inside, the steam comes out, repels the fat,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44hence crispness on the outside, softness on the inside.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47But the thing is, with a chunky chip, it always remains
0:17:47 > 0:17:51raw on the inside, it sucks the grease in, soggy on the outside.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I'm getting very turned on.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Academically, sexually, sensually, chunky chips don't work.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01The thing is, if you want thick potatoes like that, you want
0:18:01 > 0:18:05to have, kind of, roast potatoes, you know, with the goose fat.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08You could always sprinkle polenta, or a little bit of...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Yes, all right, it's not a cookery show, Dave.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11I just think they're horrible.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14When it says on a menu, "Comes with chunky chips",
0:18:14 > 0:18:16just forget it. They're just dreadful.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Then they come in this, like Yenga-like pile,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20so when you get them,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22they're flaccid, they're soft and they're cold.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I mean, they're like a yeti's member in a stack.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Blimey. I can see why you didn't make it as a maitre d'.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:37 > 0:18:40No, but...there's something offensive about the way
0:18:40 > 0:18:42that they stack them like that,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45like a game of Yenga, that's somehow so pretentious.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Well, not as pretentious as saying "Yenga".
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Jenga! Jenga!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Jenga?- Jenga. We're not Germans!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I like chunky chips,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and I've never noticed them being raw on the inside.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Is it that they're built on each other like the Eiffel Tower?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07No, that makes them worse because it makes them go cold
0:19:07 > 0:19:10and it makes them go soggy. So you're on a hiding to nothing.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13At least with a good French fry... I'm not talking skinny chips,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16just a nice, regular cut chip, that's cut to that right
0:19:16 > 0:19:20kind of diameter so the outside is crispy, preferably twice cooked...
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Do you have a girlfriend?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Yeah, married and everything.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Have you not met her? She's called Yanet.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I'm with Frank on this. I love a chunky chip.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Yeah, but some people like Morris dancing, and that's wrong as well.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Do you know what? That is a fair argument.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42To be fair, you could say that at the end of any argument
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- and I'd go, "Yeah, fair enough." - No, not with me, you can't.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- I like Morris dancing.- Do you? - Yes.- And chunky chips?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49- And chunky chips.- You're weird.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Do you like wedges? What about potato wedges?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Well...- Isn't that when you pull your underwear up?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- With a potato?- I don't know where the potato comes in.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- No, it's not right.- I don't know anything about cooking,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04but even I know, get a bit of duck fat on your finger,
0:20:04 > 0:20:06rub it on your chunky chip,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09and then you've got your chunky chip with a crispy outer.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Little tip for you. Use it if you like.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14No. You've got a piece of potato covered in grease.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Well, that's what a roast potato is.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- No. No, it's not.- I think...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:23You actually swivelled then. "Right, that's it!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"That's fighting talk!"
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Well, I went to a restaurant.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32It was a very, very old-fashioned restaurant indeed.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37I ordered chunky chips and they served them like this.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:44I do love it that somebody working on this show had dreams of working
0:20:44 > 0:20:45on the new Star Wars film.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48"What are you doing today, love?" "Chunky chip Stonehenge."
0:20:51 > 0:20:56OK, so what does Lee Mack not like about modern life?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06It's David Blaine.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08CHEERS OF APPROVAL
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Now, in my day, magicians, like Paul Daniels, would go on telly,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and it was simple. The rules were simple.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22You knew how you were watching it, as a viewer.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25He'd stick Debbie in a cage, chuck a silk hanky over her.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Whoop, she's a leopard, end of story.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31And then about 15 years ago, something changed with magic,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33where they decided it was un-cool,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35so they were going to make it grungy. And more frighteningly -
0:21:35 > 0:21:38and this is the thing I don't like - and it's not just him,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41he just represents this modern way of doing magic,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43now they pretend it's real.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46So, whereas Paul Daniels used to go, "Ta-da!"
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Them lot, now, like him, he'll end the trick with...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Like it was actually draining to do the real magic.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Yeah, but you can't do 44 days in a glass box over Tower Bridge
0:22:00 > 0:22:02and then go, "Ta-da!"
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I think magic is partly about the audience.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10And here's David Blaine, and the audience just makes this for me.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15You might feel this. Hold your hand here. Watch. Here's my idea.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Just wave, see?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Did you feel anything? Now, watch, ready?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Cool.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:44But that is good, isn't it?
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Well, it's all right.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I'd still rather see Debbie McGee turn into a leopard,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50but I'm old school.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I don't know if you ever saw when he was on GMTV and he was interviewed
0:22:53 > 0:22:57by Eamonn Holmes and I didn't think he came over with tremendous
0:22:57 > 0:22:59personal warmth.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- How would you describe yourself? - I'm just a showman.- Yeah?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Yeah.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Is this part of the show, this sort of mean and moody persona
0:23:09 > 0:23:12and the stare and the eyes and all that sort of thing?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13That's just you? That's just you?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17The eye in the hand. And what does that mean?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20What is the eye in the hand? Let's see that again.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Protection.- Protection.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24What does that mean?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- Protection from death.- Oh. Mm!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31LAUGHTER
0:23:31 > 0:23:35So, what doesn't Ruby like about modern life?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41New Age books.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44In the '60s, I guess, cos they didn't trust doctors any more,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48for some reason, or they just wanted to not pay so much,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52is that they invented this, er, kind of love of the self, you know.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54So, it would be like looking for the you in you,
0:23:54 > 0:23:58or the awakening of the goddess within,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01but spewing and becoming a woman and dropping your seed.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03These were the types, and it had to do...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06You'd always see these women who were goddesses
0:24:06 > 0:24:08with the grey hair, no bra,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11with, like, the Himalayas on the floor.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14And then dancing, dancing to, like, the "ding-ding" music,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18you know, dancing with the wolves, usually with that music from whales.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Whales, not the country.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23They recorded whales, and that was the whole music for the new age.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28I did a programme once. I researched the New Age and there was a woman
0:24:28 > 0:24:33called Dr Barbara. And she married me to myself on the beach.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36And there were some other Puerto Rican women standing around.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- Sorry, whoa... What do you mean, she married you to yourself?- Wait!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42We had to come in wedding dress and we were there
0:24:42 > 0:24:46and Dr Barbara is going, "Do you take you, Ruby..."
0:24:46 > 0:24:49And I'm going, "Me, Ruby." "To be your lawful, wedding wife?"
0:24:49 > 0:24:53And I said, "To me or to you?" Because I've got this...
0:24:53 > 0:24:56It's like the Chuckle Brothers.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Let's look at some New Age books, shall we?- Oh, I love them.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02There you go. I like this one.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Wherever You Go, There You Are.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06It's a sort of very basic...
0:25:06 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:09..very basic A to Z.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- That is great.- I actually like that guy. He was my professor.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Really?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Yeah. It's an unfortunate title, but he's the real thing.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22OK. Or, um...
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Anybody Can Be Cool... But Awesome Takes Practice.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:32What about this one?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36How To Communicate With Animals.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39What I like about this, the deer in the background is clearly
0:25:39 > 0:25:42looking across and saying, "Hold on, isn't that Malcolm's antler?"
0:25:44 > 0:25:46So, it's big business, Ruby.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49It's huge business, yeah. Well, you've done it.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50- No, but...- He's not done it, surely.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Yes, he's done it. You don't look like that for nothing.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:25:57No, but you do look like a warlock.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00There used to be a woman in Barrow-in-Furness
0:26:00 > 0:26:02that did rebirthing, and she did...
0:26:02 > 0:26:06And she had, like, ventilator ducts and castor oil,
0:26:06 > 0:26:10and the idea was you popped in one end, you had to work your way out,
0:26:10 > 0:26:11and then you got out,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- and she slapped you and you were born again.- See?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17How's your mum, Frank? Is she all right?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Anyway, I'd like to talk to someone who died and returned,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25so if Gary Barlow is watching...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Anyway, I'm not going to put in the New Age stuff,
0:26:30 > 0:26:33cos I think there might be something in it. I like chunky chips.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36But you know what? I've got no time for David Blaine.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I am going to put him into Room 101.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Right, let's have our next category.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59It's the Wildcard round. In this round there are no restrictions.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02You can just have anything at all you don't like.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04So, what is Dave's Wildcard?
0:27:10 > 0:27:15- Wigs. Thank God. - I thought it was Judy Finnigan.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I wouldn't have let you put her in. Wigs. Why?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20All my life has been beset with wigs since I was a little boy.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23When I was eight, I got stricken with alopecia totalis, you know,
0:27:23 > 0:27:27so I had no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29and I got sent to the hospital,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32and I was offered a National Health Service wig,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35and this thing, honestly, was like a crash helmet,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38and I couldn't wear it cos I had National Health glasses as well.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41It was a sorry sight. I had alopecia till I was about 40.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Now, my first job, when I left art school,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I worked as a make-up artist...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- He was my make-up artist.- I was.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I did, I made you up on the Secret Policeman's Third Ball.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51- Yeah. Yeah.- Wow.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54We have a picture of you, um, from this period,
0:27:54 > 0:27:55when you had the alopecia.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57So was the beard a wig?
0:27:57 > 0:28:02No, no. My beard, my pits, my... that was always fine.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- It was just my head.- It must have been awful, though, Dave, wasn't it?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Well, I was just used to it. I was just bald, you know.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I was the bald kid at school.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11You know, they used to call me Uncle Fester
0:28:11 > 0:28:15and make me put light bulbs in my mouth, but, you know, I coped.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I joined the BBC, and the personnel person at the time,
0:28:18 > 0:28:22this was in 1980, wanted me to have a wig made
0:28:22 > 0:28:23in case I offended the artists,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26cos, obviously, I looked more like a mugger than a make-up man.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30But they wanted me to have the wigs made and they were going to dock
0:28:30 > 0:28:33the cost of the wigs out of my wages on a monthly basis.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36So, anyway, I just shaved my head and said I'm bald
0:28:36 > 0:28:38and you can't fire me for being bald.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41I mean, one of the most sinister people I ever met was
0:28:41 > 0:28:46a Russian hair merchant, and he came over with bags full of human hair,
0:28:46 > 0:28:49like a really posh wig that's got the wispy bits at the front.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52That's point hair, and that's made from children's hair,
0:28:52 > 0:28:53from their first cut.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56- Oh.- Oh.- Wigs are a sinister world.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59That's the name of your autobiography, isn't it?
0:29:00 > 0:29:04You know, the whole thing of artificial hair, it's all wrong.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06If you're bald, just be bald.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08It is a bit ironic that you've ended up as the Hairy Biker.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12- You couldn't have seen that coming. - Yeah, do you know, it was funny,
0:29:12 > 0:29:14one of the first newspaper articles said,
0:29:14 > 0:29:18"What about that ridiculous, awful head of hair? Covered full of split ends."
0:29:18 > 0:29:22I thought, "20 years ago, I would have given my eyeteeth for split ends, I tell you."
0:29:22 > 0:29:24You got an "aw" then from the audience.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28I have to say, I have watched the Hairy Bikers on several occasions
0:29:28 > 0:29:33and thought to myself, "Should those men be working with food?"
0:29:33 > 0:29:34Oh, I get that all the time.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Because shouldn't you be wearing a hairnet and all that sort of stuff?
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Oh, don't be ridiculous. It's the most wonderful...
0:29:39 > 0:29:42That would be daft, wouldn't it? I'm not an...
0:29:42 > 0:29:44You know, I don't moult over the dinner.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48I'm not like a spaniel in the summer.
0:29:48 > 0:29:49It's really quite intact now and on.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52- Don't play with it, I wouldn't want to see you going backwards. - No, it's fine.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55If you worked in a restaurant,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- wouldn't you have to wear a hairnet with that?- No.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01- Yes, you would.- You'd have to wear a hat or something.- Or...
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Dave, this is day one, restaurant school. You should know this.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08You know you have to wash your hands after you've been to the toilet?
0:30:08 > 0:30:11But it is wigs are what I'm talking about, you see. I have no...
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Hair and baldness, that's absolutely fine
0:30:14 > 0:30:17but wigs, it's such an odd thing to do.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20It's like if you had false teeth and you were using someone else's
0:30:20 > 0:30:23cast-off or pulled out teeth to put in your own mouth.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25- That's a good point. - That would be unacceptable, you see.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- Well, my grandmother had that. - Did she?- What?
0:30:28 > 0:30:33- Someone else's teeth?- Yeah, in those days, you know, they had... Where did you think they came...?
0:30:33 > 0:30:36- They weren't plastic, they were teeth.- They were real teeth?!
0:30:36 > 0:30:38And me and my girlfriends used to sneak in
0:30:38 > 0:30:39and put the uppers on the lowers.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41We'd switch them around so it would look like
0:30:41 > 0:30:43she was trying to eat her own head.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER They were real teeth.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48OK, what's Ruby's Wildcard?
0:30:53 > 0:30:54My mother.
0:30:54 > 0:30:55- AUDIENCE:- Aw...
0:30:55 > 0:30:59As far as eccentrics, this was the A-lister of A-listers.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02So, I'm grateful to her for some of my comedy.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07We have a dog that she loved, Lumby, and this is not tasteful.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10You know, when people came over, he would sort of grab their leg,
0:31:10 > 0:31:13you know, and you'd smear him off, but my mother would go,
0:31:13 > 0:31:17"Look, the lover boy. He's dancing, he's dancing!"
0:31:17 > 0:31:19And then she'd go, in Polish,
0:31:19 > 0:31:21she'd go, "Lumby, say 'Heil Hitler,'"
0:31:21 > 0:31:22and he'd go like this.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24NERVOUS LAUGHTER
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Oh, no, this was... She was way out there.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29To be fair, he was only following orders.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31LAUGHTER
0:31:35 > 0:31:38She'd get fixed on things, like I do now.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41You know, it's like a Russian missile just homing in.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45- Yeah.- So she, um, she came to England and she said, "Buy a broom."
0:31:45 > 0:31:47But then she doesn't stop it, right?
0:31:47 > 0:31:50So we'd to a restaurant, and she'd go, "A broom,
0:31:50 > 0:31:54"and with the bristles, not this... with the bristles," and every night
0:31:54 > 0:31:58she'd draw it in the tablecloth with a knife, "With the bristles."
0:31:58 > 0:32:01It never stopped, so finally I took her to the airport.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03She's still going, "Buy a broom."
0:32:03 > 0:32:05You could see her through the window, and then sits down.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08As soon as she gets home, a few days later, she goes,
0:32:08 > 0:32:09"Did you get the broom?"
0:32:09 > 0:32:12And then she says, "Oh, your Aunt Hamburger died."
0:32:12 > 0:32:14And then she said, "Now, what about the broom?"
0:32:14 > 0:32:18And I went, "Wait, what did you just say?" And she said, "Your aunt Hamburger died. The broom!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21"Buy the broom!" And I said, "What did you say?"
0:32:21 > 0:32:24She went, "OK, back the clock up 24 hours. She's not dead.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26"Now, buy the broom."
0:32:26 > 0:32:28LAUGHTER
0:32:28 > 0:32:29That's genius.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36- She was fantastic. - She sounds marvellous.- Yeah.
0:32:36 > 0:32:37My mum used to say,
0:32:37 > 0:32:40"Don't put hot tea bags in the bin or you'll set the bin on fire."
0:32:40 > 0:32:42LAUGHTER
0:32:42 > 0:32:45You must've had a lovely house, lovely tidy, clean.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49Oh, everything was in plastic bags. You know, the walls, the lamps.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53- She never unwrapped, you know, when we got gifts cos of the way... - It stayed in the plastic?
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- It was a dust-free zone. - I bet she would have loved these.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00- They are for cleaning the floor. - Oh, that's good, that's good.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04So you have to walk around the house like this and you actually...
0:33:04 > 0:33:06It's like, you know on Camberwick Green?
0:33:08 > 0:33:12CAMBERWICK GREEN THEME PLAYS
0:33:12 > 0:33:15APPLAUSE
0:33:21 > 0:33:25I like... I tell you what I really like - I'd never done this before -
0:33:25 > 0:33:29changing nappies. I find it really satisfying.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32- Do you have a baby? - Yes! I don't just...
0:33:32 > 0:33:35LAUGHTER
0:33:35 > 0:33:38No, I have an elderly grandparent.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42OK. So what's Lee's Wildcard?
0:33:47 > 0:33:49It's children's parties.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52- Hmm.- Controversial, you might think.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56- Well, we'll soon find out. Why? - Hate children. Hate parties. Next.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58LAUGHTER
0:34:01 > 0:34:04When I was a kid, and tell me if it's just me,
0:34:04 > 0:34:07but birthday parties were not every year, to start with.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11We wouldn't have them every year. We'd have them every two or three years, and it was like you,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14your brother, maybe a cousin, a couple of mates from school.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16That was it, wasn't it?
0:34:16 > 0:34:18- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- No. - No? Oh.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21- No. I had big parties. - Yeah, me too.
0:34:21 > 0:34:22But not the way they are now.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24This is not just my kids.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Every kid in the class is having them. These are a weekly event.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Sometimes it's two! Two parties in a day.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31He went to a party of 30.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34Two hours later, he went to another party. That is 60 people.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38Why has a seven-year-old child got a better social life than me? I'm 45.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42Cakes. What happened to Victoria sponges and a couple of candles?
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- Now it's like...- Fireworks. - Aladdin on a skateboard
0:34:45 > 0:34:49with doves coming out. What happened to just normal little cakes
0:34:49 > 0:34:52and a bit of pass the parcel. Now it's themes and it's...
0:34:52 > 0:34:56I've got some pictures of cakes I think you'll enjoy.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58This is a Mickey Mouse cake.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02LAUGHTER
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Or Liza Minnelli.
0:35:06 > 0:35:07LAUGHTER
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Here's one themed on roadkill.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15LAUGHTER
0:35:17 > 0:35:19I think they got those teeth from your grandmother, Ruby.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23It looks like it's been skinned, though. A flayed hedgehog.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Here's a fabulous children's party.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28This is... I'm not making this up.
0:35:28 > 0:35:33This is a bouncy castle based on the Titanic.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36LAUGHTER
0:35:36 > 0:35:39- That's good. That's good.- That is genuine.- Yeah. That's fantastic.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42- That is unbelievable.- But if you arrived at a party and it had that,
0:35:42 > 0:35:44you'd know it was going to be a really good party.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Well, it depends if it's 1912.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49LAUGHTER
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Of course, the irony being if they'd actually had an inflatable Titanic
0:35:52 > 0:35:56- on the Titanic, that would have solved everything.- That's true.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00Would it be morally wrong to not tell your children
0:36:00 > 0:36:02about birthdays at all?
0:36:02 > 0:36:06Well, that could work. We haven't told them about Easter or Christmas,
0:36:06 > 0:36:08so I suppose we could extend it to birthdays.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10I feel sorry for your kids.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15- Why?- Because, you know, the spirit of birthday parties
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- and throwing them a good bash... - Let me tell you what my kids get
0:36:18 > 0:36:21that your kids will never get - big, fat chips.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:25 > 0:36:27They're happy with that. That's all they want.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29It's all they're getting.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31They wouldn't eat them cos mine have got taste.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:36:34 > 0:36:36You can't choose your parents.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38I tell you what,
0:36:38 > 0:36:40the catering's good in my house when you have a party.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44Yeah, but there's lots of hair in it.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48I bet you have to unblock your shower more than me.
0:36:48 > 0:36:49At least I've got one.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53This is a proper northern battle of wits.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55"Chunky chips? At least I've got a shower."
0:36:55 > 0:36:57LAUGHTER
0:36:59 > 0:37:02So, I can't put your mother in, Ruby.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- She sounds lovely... - No, she is lovely.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06..in a slightly mad kind of way.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08But she would clean it if you did put her in.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11And, um, children's parties, they're an expensive business,
0:37:11 > 0:37:13but I don't think there's any getting round it, really.
0:37:13 > 0:37:14They must celebrate.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17But I find my little one is fascinating.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Other people's kids, not so fascinating.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21It's like haemorrhoids.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23LAUGHTER
0:37:23 > 0:37:26But, wigs, I don't understand it.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29They're all right for fun, but people who suddenly turn up in a wig
0:37:29 > 0:37:31when you know they're bald underneath, it doesn't make any sense.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34So I am going to put wigs into Room 101.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:47 > 0:37:51OK, that brings us to the end of the show and, Dave,
0:37:51 > 0:37:54you were the most persuasive guest, so you are this week's winner.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59APPLAUSE
0:38:02 > 0:38:05Thanks very much, Lee Mack, Dave Myers and Ruby Wax,
0:38:05 > 0:38:07and thank you, good night.