0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39the show where three guests compete to condemn their deepest dislikes
0:00:39 > 0:00:42to the dreaded room. Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Joining me tonight are style guru, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49actor Charles Dance and comedian Andi Osho.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:59So, are you the sort of people who struggle to think of things
0:00:59 > 0:01:02that you don't like or did it just flow out of you?
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I had a lot. Once you start, you can't stop.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10- You're a kind of a repeat offender? - Well, there's just so much stuff!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13See, the worst thing is, it will get worse as you get older as well.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16When you get to my age, you know, the list gets infinite, practically.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20It becomes like a kind of Dead Sea Scroll of hate and bitterness.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- SOME LAUGHTER - Wait till you get to MY age!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Right, then. Let's have our first category.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33People. OK.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36So, what kind of people wind up Andi Osho?
0:01:40 > 0:01:44People who make up the rules in Monopoly.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:49It's a big problem. It's a growing problem, Frank.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Is it?- Yes, because, right, here's the thing, right.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Monopoly is like a really big deal in our house.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58We play every year, like, er, Boxing Day
0:01:58 > 0:02:00and Christmas Day we play.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03We've got trophies. We've got trophies.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- We've got ENGRAVED trophies, mind you.- Wow.- Yeah.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10So, like, you know, we play by the rules, but some people just...
0:02:10 > 0:02:11they think they can just make them up.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Like there's one that people do where, like, your taxes,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18like, that you're supposed to pay as you go round the board or whatever,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20they say, "Oh, no, don't put them into the bank.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"Put them on free parking,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25"so the next person that lands on free parking gets the money."
0:02:25 > 0:02:30That's the sort of thinking that got Greece up poo-poo Creek, innit?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32But surely making up your own rules,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36as we found out in recent years, is what high finance is all about.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Yeah, and that's why we're, like, having so many problems.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Like chess, the rules are just the rules.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Like you can't play chess with someone
0:02:44 > 0:02:47and then suddenly they put their pawn on top of the rook
0:02:47 > 0:02:49and give him a gun and they can shoot all your pieces.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"Oh, no, these are the new rules of chess."
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I always think, if everybody in the room agrees, then it's fine.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Yeah, but that's the problem. It's when...- I've used that line before.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03But that's the problem is if you haven't agreed the rules beforehand.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Yeah, but, you know, the trouble is,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08when you're playing a game with someone and they get the book out.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's like a girlfriend, like, if the cooker breaks, she says,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13"Why don't you look at the manual?"
0:03:13 > 0:03:14No, I'll work it out!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- LAUGHTER - If you all agree, I think it's fine.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I think it's fair enough if you all agree on the rules,
0:03:20 > 0:03:24but the problem is when two households come together
0:03:24 > 0:03:26to play Monopoly and they've got different rules.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- We're getting there. - We've got some rules
0:03:29 > 0:03:31that I don't think are strictly in the Monopoly rule book.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Do they involve taking off clothes?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- It's with my family, Laurence. - Oh, OK.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40We've got some famous people playing Monopoly pictures,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43which I find interesting. It's such a cool game. Look at this.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Here's George Harrison...
0:03:45 > 0:03:51who's been playing it so long, his hip has sunk into the floor.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54And here's my favourite, Queen playing Monopoly.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57And, look, Brian May has brought his brother!
0:03:57 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- So, it's a cool game, isn't it? - It's a very cool game.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Do you guys play it?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09When I was an art student, we, erm, we used to play Monopoly
0:04:09 > 0:04:13on Sunday afternoons in this flat that rather resembled
0:04:13 > 0:04:17the set of the Young Ones, actually, it was DISGUSTING, in Leicester.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21And our landlord lived in the basement of the house,
0:04:21 > 0:04:25and we used to invite him up to play on Sunday afternoons,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29and he used to hang onto his Monopoly money when he was...
0:04:29 > 0:04:32in lieu of the rent that we owed him!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Have you heard of Monopoly Empire?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- No, what's that? - This is Monopoly Empire.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42And, apparently, it's a response to people wanting a quicker game,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45that Monopoly's too slow,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48and I'll give you a quote from Jonathan Berkowitz,
0:04:48 > 0:04:52the vice-president of marketing at Hasbro, and he says...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"Parents and children tell us
0:04:54 > 0:04:58"they want a quick in-out frictionless gaming experience."
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Ooh! - CHARLES AND ANDI LAUGH
0:05:04 > 0:05:07They've taken the capitalism an extra mile. Just get a load of this.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11The pieces... You don't get the dog and the top hat.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14You get the large McDonald's fries.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Why is only one company allowed to make Monopoly?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28That's what worries me about Monopoly in general.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Is the capitalist kind of...
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Yeah, whereas people who make up their own rules suggest
0:05:33 > 0:05:36that, in the midst of it all, there's still some individuality.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Yeah.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40OK. Let's see what Laurence doesn't like about people.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Gosh, look at that.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I would say that's a relatively bad example, luckily enough.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58But it's Hawaiian shirts. More specifically,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01people that WEAR Hawaiian shirts.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05It is the sort of person that feels that wearing a Hawaiian shirt
0:06:05 > 0:06:09denotes that they can step outside responsibility, you know?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13It's, "I'm on holiday the whole time. I don't need to bother.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18"I'm going to wear something that is retina-punishingly colourful."
0:06:18 > 0:06:20So it's the sort of, er...
0:06:20 > 0:06:25the lack of decorum that a Hawaiian shirt breeds in people.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Let's have a look at an example of a celebrity in a Hawaiian shirt.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- There you go. - Well, there we are.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36They're like a holiday with sleeves.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Is it the floral, garish...
0:06:38 > 0:06:42No, no, no, because I can see where you're going with that one. Oh, no.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45In fact, I'd say they weren't floral enough, Frank.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- I'll show you floral, if you want. - OK, go on, show me floral.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- There we are, see? - APPLAUSE
0:06:54 > 0:06:56See, the great thing about the Hawaiian shirt,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58when I was in Hawaii, wearing one,
0:06:58 > 0:07:02you can use them like those plastic meals in Japanese restaurants.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- If you can't speak Japanese, you point at the meal?- Yeah.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09So, you can stop a cab, point at a girl in a grass skirt,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13a tree and a ukulele, and he'll just take you to the right place.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17It's absolutely perfect. Are you familiar with this?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- No.- This is a greeting in Hawaii.
0:07:21 > 0:07:27At the end of Elvis: Aloha in Hawaii, he does that to the crowd,
0:07:27 > 0:07:33and it means friendship, compassion, understanding and solidarity.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- Just from that? - Isn't that incredible?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38And the British version?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Nice one.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45I think it's not people who don't have style that wear them.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48It's people who've rejected style.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49- Well, that's where we... - And all its works.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51That's where we fall to pieces.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54You are the most stylish man I've ever met.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- I bet you're a cuff links man, aren't you?- I am.- That's even worse!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I find those impossible to do!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Oh, no, I like cuff links. I think they, um...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05They can say so much about you. In fact, I've got
0:08:05 > 0:08:07a whole series of cuff links that denote my particular mood.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Some of them are actually really quite erotic.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Can you put cuff links on on your own?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18In the films, there's always somebody else, "Let me do that for you."
0:08:18 > 0:08:20What do you think this is? Downton Abbey?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- I can get dressed on my own. I just choose not to.- Gotcha.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26OK. You argue well.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31So, what person doesn't Charles Dance like?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38AUDIENCE BOOS APPLAUSE
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- This is the Chancellor of the Exchequer.- Yes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Mr George Osborne.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52And, if Room 101 was bigger, I'd like him
0:08:52 > 0:08:57and all his friends in the current government to go into it as well.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59CHEERING
0:09:01 > 0:09:07- Are you including the Liberal Democrats in this?- Might as well.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I mean, if we put him in Room 101, there'll still be someone in there
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- he knows who'll get him a good table.- Yes, absolutely. Yes.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Do you know, there's a Facebook page,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19which is the George Osborne Appreciation Society?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- Oh, really? - Yeah, let's have a look at that.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:26One like.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- He was on the Andrew Marr Show. - Oh, yeah.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31And, er, Keane were on.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Are you familiar with the band, Keane?- Yeah.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Well, I think it's a very interesting example, this,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38of politicians on television.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Keane are playing. It's the end of the show.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Keane are playing, and the guests are still in their seats.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46So, keep an eye on George.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48There's Keane.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Now, this is the politician when he doesn't know he's on camera.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58"What on earth...?"
0:09:58 > 0:10:03And then, eventually, he realises that he IS on camera.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Get on down, eh? Oh.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20You sort of feel sorry for him in his hopelessness in that case,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- don't you?- No, I don't feel at ALL sorry for him.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26To be fair, I think the thing is, you know, surely,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29there's never going to be a Chancellor that you'll like.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34I mean, that's...the job is always to be the panto villain.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36He's basically King Banker, isn't he?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38That's a euphemism.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Cockney rhyming slang, I think, actually, Charles.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45But you particularly don't like this one?
0:10:45 > 0:10:50I really can't dislike this man more than I do.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54In his defence, erm...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56LAUGHTER
0:10:58 > 0:11:02He doesn't seem to really appeal to the young people either.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Can we say anything in his defence? What do you think?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I can't, I'm afraid, no.
0:11:12 > 0:11:17Um, well, I heard that he changed his name from Gideon to George
0:11:17 > 0:11:19when he was 13, as a little act of rebellion,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21which should make him pretty down with the kids.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Although, I think, if you're rebelling,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26then George is not like a rebellious name.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27He could have been called anything.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30We could've had the Speaker of the House introducing him.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33"Order. Order. We are now about to hear
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"from the Right Honourable Buzz Lightyear."
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- But he didn't use that. He chose George.- Yeah.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Can I say my son is called Buzz. - Is he?- Yeah.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- LAUGHTER I don't know what to say.- It's fine.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50OK, so we come to the end of that round. I have to now...
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I have to carefully weigh your arguments
0:11:53 > 0:11:55and decide who defended their case the best
0:11:55 > 0:11:58and think it through and try and be fair.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01So, I'm going to put George Osborne into Room 101.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02CHEERING
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Thank you.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Let's have our next category.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23OK, it's the Wildcard round, so now there are no restrictions.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26You can just pick anything at all that you don't like.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30So, what is Laurence's wildcard?
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Wow.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39The pasty. The pasty is something
0:12:39 > 0:12:42that I really do feel quite strongly about.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Why the pasty?
0:12:43 > 0:12:48Because pasties, I think, not only look rather ugly,
0:12:48 > 0:12:52they have the capacity to fill a train carriage
0:12:52 > 0:12:56with the most unpleasant miasma
0:12:56 > 0:13:01of kind of post-teen, cross-country run gym,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04which is just so revolting.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Could I just say, I was brought up in the West Country,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10and the pasty is very dear to my heart,
0:13:10 > 0:13:14and you obviously have never had a really, really good pasty.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18You've been among some very strange people.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22I'm not... I'm not...you know, I'm not down on, er, you know,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25on sort of good, straightforward, salt of the earth food.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I think pork pies are absolutely wonderful.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Actually, I have to say, I rather like a doner kebab.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35But the pasty is like eating a middle-aged lady's handbag.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40It's just a source of completely abstract,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44gristly objects, that defy any kind of proper explanation.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I don't want to say you're being a bit snobby,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48but you're being a bit snobby.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52I think the thing that really does it for me about the pasty, though,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55is the fact that it is so favoured by street eaters,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58which I've never understood. People that feel that they've got to...
0:13:58 > 0:14:02They can't, you know, walk down a street without eating something.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I've street ate. I bought a pasty from a well-known bakers.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- ANDI GIGGLES - Hmm?- And, um...
0:14:08 > 0:14:13I ate it and you get a lot of crumbs with a pasty.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16And it was lovely. At the end of it,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- I was suddenly covered in pigeons. - Yes.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I felt at one with nature.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25You know those pictures of St Francis of Assisi that you see?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Showing that he's completely, he loved the animals,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30like this kind of classic shot.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Turns out - just finished a pasty. - There we are.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:38What about this? This is one for the romantics.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- It's the double pasty.- Oh, God.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46And what you do is that you... I eat it from this angle,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50and then my loved one eats it from that side.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54What, over your shoulder?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- No, she...she's... Imagine we're having a slow dance.- OK.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03I'm eating the pasty from here, and she's eating it from that side.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Oh, that would be like that scene from Lady and the Tramp!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08It would be lovely!
0:15:08 > 0:15:12I recycle the crusts in all sorts of ways.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14For example...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Waste not want not. I think they're lovely,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- and I'm not just saying that to take the other side of the argument.- Mm.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26It's one of my favourite foods, because it's healthy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30It's got vegetables, but then it's in the fun housing of a pie.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Yeah.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34To be fair, I think the vegetables are incredibly well disguised.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- But that's how I like my vegetables. - As is everything in them.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- I like my vegetables incognito. - Do you?- I do.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- Can I just say, I'm a big fan of your lovely products.- Oh.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I was looking at your pastry forks.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48You could eat a pasty with one of these, could you not?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- I suggest you do.- Can you imagine getting one of these out
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- on the high street and eating a pasty?- I don't need to imagine it!
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Isn't that lovely?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59That's Laurence in the middle there.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:05OK, then. What's Andi's wildcard?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Yes.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12OK.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER Pebble beaches.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I love pebble beaches. What is it?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23You can't do ANY of the stuff that you do at a sand beach.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Have you ever tried burying someone at a pebble beach?
0:16:27 > 0:16:32It is NOT the same. You can't build a castle.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Can I just offer exhibit A? - Yeah, go on.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- Whoa!- Eh?- That guy has too much time on his hands.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44You can't lie on a pebble beach.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48It's like being punched in the back by the Earth.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50A pebble beach is NOT a beach.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54I go to Brighton quite a lot. There's a pebble beach.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- That's not a beach!- It is! Of course it is!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00People eat ice cream on it. Can you get this?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02And this is official.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04The Crown Estate, that is basically the Royal Family,
0:17:04 > 0:17:09are the majority landholders of the sea bed.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13I don't know how far out they own it, but, yet, officially,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16I should get the permission of the Royal Family
0:17:16 > 0:17:19to take a pebble home from Brighton.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23So, does that mean, like, if, when people have a wee in the sea
0:17:23 > 0:17:28that they're weeing, like, on the Queen's land?
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Worse than that, they're relieving themselves on the Queen's bed.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Right, what he said.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Yeah. You can do loads of stuff that you can't do on a sand beach.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45You can't take a romantic walk on it.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46It HURTS walking across pebbles.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49But you're not wearing the right footwear.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51What, like boots or something, like steel-cap boots?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55I'll show you what I wear when I'm in Brighton, on the pebble beach.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59People don't even know I'm wearing shoes.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:04See, it's got a hard bottom.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Those are brilliant.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Yeah, it's lovely. I'm sitting out like this on the beach.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15So, you have to basically look like a hobbit to survive on pebble beaches?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Well, that's one way. I'm not saying it's the only way.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I tell you what, one example, I'll say, where you win,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24is the egg timer.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:33All right, you've got that. You might win on the egg timer thing.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37The only good thing you can do at a pebble beach
0:18:37 > 0:18:39is you can skim stones,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42which is people just trying to throw the stones back in the water
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- and trying to find sand. - Do you skim?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- I taught myself to skim. - Taught yourself?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- Yeah.- Not many people go on a course!
0:18:50 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Yeah, I had a skimming tutor who used to come with me.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Do you know what people do as well to make them sound nicer?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- They call them shingle beaches.- Yes. - Which is horrible. It's a disease!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06LAUGHTER Innit? It's like,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"Ooh, look, the Polio Promenade!" "Ooh, look, the Chlamydia Cliffs!"
0:19:09 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:13You can't call something after a disease.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Here's someone who likes sand even more than you do.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Let me read you this information here.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22"Kelly Marie-Pierce got pregnant,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26"was watching her mother-in-law, changing sand in her parrot's cage,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"and she said, 'I kept getting this weird taste in my mouth.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31"'I knew I was craving something but I couldn't put my finger on it,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34"'and when I saw her change the parrot's cage,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37"'I thought, "I could just eat that." 'Sand!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39"'I was getting through bowls and bowls of sand a day.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43"'I wasn't eating anything else but sand and sponges.'"
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Here's a picture of Kelly Marie-Pierce.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50When she said sponges, I thought she meant natural sponges from the sea.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53No, she meant scouring pads.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55That's what happens to people who like sand,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59whereas you're not going to tuck into that, are you?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Oh, it's actually all right.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Is it all right? Well, maybe I take it all back, then.- It's chocolate.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16If there's any children watching at home,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19not ALL pebbles contain chocolate.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24You have to just keep trying them.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26No, don't.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33OK. What's Charles's wildcard?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40MUTED LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:43National Health doctors' receptionists.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Oh!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- Maybe not all of them, but most of them.- No.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55And they seem to assume that they are the gatekeepers
0:20:55 > 0:20:58of the National Health Service.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00A lot of them have this infuriating habit,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03if you call and you want an appointment with your doctor,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06which, of course you can't get when you need it, you know,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09there's an appointment on Tuesday and you're ringing on Wednesday,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and you think, "Well, I might not be ill on Tuesday," you know.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15And then they say, "What is it about?"
0:21:15 > 0:21:18You think, "Well, it's none of your bloody business!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"I'll tell the doctor what it's about."
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I mean, to be fair to them...
0:21:22 > 0:21:27- Yes.- ..I think that they probably need to tell the doctor in advance
0:21:27 > 0:21:33what he's going to be treating you for so that he can Google it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:41I mean, I feel a bit sorry for them.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44They must deal with some awkward customers.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Not you, Charles, obviously.- No.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51I imagine you turning up and saying, "Fetch me an apothecary."
0:21:51 > 0:21:54LAUGHTER
0:21:54 > 0:21:55They are gatekeepers.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I mean, that's what they are.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59They're there to make sure that, um, you know,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02the wrong person doesn't get in to see the doctors.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05One stopped me seeing the doctor because I had trainers on.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- That's fair.- And nothing else?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11No, I did have something on.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Also, correct me if I'm wrong, is one of the reasons
0:22:15 > 0:22:17you don't want to tell them what's wrong,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19is because you're Charles Dance
0:22:19 > 0:22:21and you don't want them gossiping about what it is?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23No.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Charles Dance sounds like a fake name anyway, so...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28No, not that it's not a nice name, but it does sound like
0:22:28 > 0:22:31the sort of name you'd give at an STD clinic or something. "Oh, my name?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"Oh, Charles...Dance!"
0:22:34 > 0:22:36It's funny you should say that,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39because that is the name I always give at STD clinics.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Charles's reputation is in tatters thanks to me.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48You always have to have a medical before you do a TV series
0:22:48 > 0:22:51or a film, to make sure you're OK to get through it.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I had one recently and the man said,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56"Can you drop your trousers and pants, please?"
0:22:56 > 0:23:00And he sort of wedged his hand,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02wedged it, like...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08you know like when you're trying to get one more book on the bookcase?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Wedged his hand like that.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I don't know what he was testing.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17He didn't ask me to cough.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20He just...stood like that, and he looked at me
0:23:20 > 0:23:22and I looked at him, and there was a terrible silence.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I had a sense that the real doctor was in a cupboard, going...
0:23:29 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:36 > 0:23:38So, we come to the end of that round.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41You all argued very well.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44The thing is, Andi, I've got such a romantic attachment
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- to pebble beaches, and I don't like sand very much.- Not beaches.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52I was with TE Lawrence in Arabia during that skirmish,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56and it stuck with me. Um...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58and pasties I really like as well.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I'm afraid, because I spend so much time on pebble beaches
0:24:02 > 0:24:07eating pasties, I'm going to have to put NHS receptionists into Room 101.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09GASPS Controversial!
0:24:09 > 0:24:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Next category, please.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Ah, now this is the audience choice, in which the people speak.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30And I believe we have...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Carol Hall in the audience.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Where are you, Carol? There you are.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Hello.- Hello.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39So, Carol, what would you like to try and put into Room 101?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41People who stick their tongues out
0:24:41 > 0:24:44when they're having their photograph taken.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- Good one.- You speak to people and they say, "I had a great night!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51"Here are the photos." You look at the photos
0:24:51 > 0:24:53and they're all sticking out their tongues.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55You can't get a decent photo.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Do you have an explanation for this phenomenon?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02I don't know whether it's a nervous reaction.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- It's an unfortunate nervous reaction, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- I can't explain it. I don't do it myself.- Yes.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Well, that would be very hypocritical if you did.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15When people do that...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19..I like that. That's a classic.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I'm OK. Are you all right with that one?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I think that's different. That's OK.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25You know the one where they go...
0:25:27 > 0:25:31That, to me, is saying, comedy is more important than beauty
0:25:31 > 0:25:34and I respect that.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Let's have a look at a celebrity doing this.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42That's Miley Cyrus, of course.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46It looks like she developed that while doing joined-up handwriting.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54That's not so bad that one, it's quite subtle. But look at this one.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- I don't think Miley's drinking enough water.- No.- No.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01It doesn't look like she's sticking her tongue out.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03It looks like it's just falling out.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Yeah, it looks like a Weetabix.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11This, I think, is my favourite celebrity tongue-out picture.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12GROANING
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- How beautiful(!) - Whatever happened to Ulrika Jonsson?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Really let herself go.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26I think that's a very interesting point. You know what?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I'm going to put people who stick their tongues out in photos
0:26:29 > 0:26:30into Room 101. Well done.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Well done, you.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38OK, next category, please.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48Modern life. So, what doesn't Andi like about modern life?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Hmm...
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Internet dating.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Well, you'd be glad to get a handsome young fellow like that,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- wouldn't you? - If only that was what you got.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02APPLAUSE
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- If only.- Oh, God, there's the applause of experience, there!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07This is what you get.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:15You want to download THAT, but that's what ends up in your inbox.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21I see. Have you dabbled in online dating?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I have dabbled, Frank, in the past.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26The thing with it is, is, like, some of the things
0:27:26 > 0:27:29that people write on their profiles, like you have to wade through
0:27:29 > 0:27:32a lot of rubbish to get to the actual truth of what people mean.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Like, they write, "I love nights in, but I also love nights out."
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Like, that's just what people do.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40You know, "I love breathing in, but I also love breathing out."
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Whoa, crazy!
0:27:42 > 0:27:48A friend, who worked in Birmingham, he worked at a dating place,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52and he said the most commonly ticked box was,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54"What kind of person do you want?"
0:27:54 > 0:27:57"Must not live more than five miles from my house."
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- "Will NOT travel."- Yeah.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I mean that is...that's like, "Yes, she is my soul mate,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04"but I'm not getting two buses".
0:28:06 > 0:28:10You can waste a lot of time on, you know, dating the normal way,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- can't you?- Well, I mean I like the idea
0:28:13 > 0:28:18- of just randomly meeting somebody. - What you need is jury service.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Oh, you don't mean... You don't mean the person on trial?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27- No.- Oh, right. You mean, like, the other 11...
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I meant my fellow jurors.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Oh, those guys.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Because if you started the relationship
0:28:33 > 0:28:36you might be very tempted to say they're not guilty.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38But what if they look like THIS guy?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41I didn't realise that's how touchscreens worked.
0:28:43 > 0:28:49I like the idea that someone who's, say if they're, really into cats
0:28:49 > 0:28:53can go on the "people who like cats" dating website
0:28:53 > 0:28:55and find a kindred spirit.
0:28:55 > 0:29:00You're right, they do get specific, like in terms of types of websites.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04So they've got like JDate, which is like this site for meeting...
0:29:04 > 0:29:06for Jewish people specifically to meet.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09They've got UniformDating
0:29:09 > 0:29:11for "if you like people in uniforms",
0:29:11 > 0:29:13or just fancy people who wear uniforms.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15So that's just like anyone, then(?)
0:29:15 > 0:29:16- Yes.- But also with that one,
0:29:16 > 0:29:19it really depends on the uniform, doesn't it?
0:29:19 > 0:29:21- Cos like... - Well, it does on the Jewish site.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29There are some uniforms that would be a total no go.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Maybe what doesn't help is that the dating websites,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37the questions that they ask don't really help you to really get...
0:29:37 > 0:29:40because they're, like, really generic, like, you know,
0:29:40 > 0:29:42"What books do you like? What films do you like?"
0:29:42 > 0:29:44If they start to get specific, then you might, you know,
0:29:44 > 0:29:47get to know someone how you would want to get to know them
0:29:47 > 0:29:49- if you met them, like, in the flesh world.- Mm.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Like, um, "What's wrong with you?"
0:29:51 > 0:29:55I'm on there too, so I know that, you know,
0:29:55 > 0:29:57I'm included in that, but I KNOW what's wrong with me.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00They'll find that out when we move in together.
0:30:02 > 0:30:08Well, I looked at... This is advice from a man called Craig Wax...
0:30:08 > 0:30:09Right.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12..the senior vice president at Match.com,
0:30:12 > 0:30:15which is a popular online dating, and he says,
0:30:15 > 0:30:18"Come up with a name that gives an indication
0:30:18 > 0:30:21"of what you're all about." And this is what Craig says.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25"So, for instance, if you like to ski and you like to cook,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28"your username could be Skiing Chef.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32"Right off the bat, you get a sense of what this person is all about."
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Looking back, I don't know
0:30:37 > 0:30:39if I should have gone for Irritable Catholic.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48Right, what doesn't Charles like about modern life?
0:30:54 > 0:30:59Automated reply things, generally, but one in particular.
0:30:59 > 0:31:06Camden Council's automated payment service for parking fines.
0:31:07 > 0:31:08OK.
0:31:08 > 0:31:15You know, somebody has to do it, but this particular voice is, um,
0:31:15 > 0:31:17just the least suitable.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20If you were to listen to it,
0:31:20 > 0:31:24I think you'd appreciate why I would love it to go into Room 101.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Well, I tell you what, let's listen to it.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30- You do that.- This is the automated voice at Camden Council
0:31:30 > 0:31:32if you phone up to pay your parking fines.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34PHONE RINGS
0:31:34 > 0:31:36'Welcome to the London Borough of Camden's
0:31:36 > 0:31:39'automated telephone payment service.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43'Enter 1 for a traffic or parking penalty,
0:31:43 > 0:31:46'2 for other fixed penalties,
0:31:46 > 0:31:48'3 for council tax,
0:31:48 > 0:31:52'4 for housing rents,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55'5 for business rates or bib levies.'
0:31:55 > 0:31:57- Yeah...- 'If you want to speak to an operator,
0:31:57 > 0:32:01'then press the star key on your telephone keypad now.'
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- OK...- 'Please enter your...' DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:32:04 > 0:32:06'..which follows BU.'
0:32:06 > 0:32:10Whoa. So, I mean, it goes on a bit.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14Yeah. There are no notes, I mean, no intonation at all. It's...
0:32:14 > 0:32:16You're a tough audience though, Charles.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18"Welcome to Camden Council automated parking service.
0:32:18 > 0:32:22"If your account begins with a CU, please..." You think, "What?"
0:32:22 > 0:32:25- How would you do it?- You know, if you're going to get somebody
0:32:25 > 0:32:26to do a voiceover for something, you know,
0:32:26 > 0:32:30I mean find an out-of-work actor or, you know, Laurence is really...
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Absolutely.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36How often would you be phoning about parking fines,
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- would you say?- Too much, I'm afraid.
0:32:39 > 0:32:44I've swelled the coffers of Camden Council's parking office.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47Are you a man who just stops where he stops?
0:32:47 > 0:32:49No! I just, you know...
0:32:49 > 0:32:51- I just forget sometimes.- OK.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53That there's parking laws?
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Do you have any sympathy for me at all?
0:32:56 > 0:33:00Well, it sounds to me like you just drive until you run out of petrol.
0:33:00 > 0:33:01No...
0:33:01 > 0:33:03No, no.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Do you know the weird thing about that Camden thing,
0:33:06 > 0:33:09is the dude is not from Camden. Like, he's quite Northern, isn't he?
0:33:09 > 0:33:11He sounds quite sort of Coronation Street camp.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13He's like, "Ooh, 'ello, thanks for calling Camden Council."
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Like, if you're calling Camden, you want someone to sound like
0:33:16 > 0:33:19they're from Camden. You want to ring up and have them go,
0:33:19 > 0:33:22"All right, skunk weed, skunk weed, you want to buy some skunk?"
0:33:24 > 0:33:28The most obscure organisations have got these automated...
0:33:28 > 0:33:30I found a magpie injured
0:33:30 > 0:33:34and I phoned the Magpie Protection Society,
0:33:34 > 0:33:37and it said, "Hello. Hello. This is the Magpie Protection Society.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41"Dial one for sorrow, two for joy..."
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Very good.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47You were with me there, weren't you?
0:33:47 > 0:33:52Right, what doesn't Laurence like about the modern world?
0:33:56 > 0:33:57Beige.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03Beige in all its gory,
0:34:03 > 0:34:07in all its understated, delusional blandure,
0:34:07 > 0:34:11and beige is very much attached to this idea
0:34:11 > 0:34:14that you can't go wrong with beige, which is sort of true,
0:34:14 > 0:34:16but then you can't go right with beige, either.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19You can't do sexy with beige. You can't do exciting with beige.
0:34:19 > 0:34:24But let me tell you all now - you cannot trust beige,
0:34:24 > 0:34:26because it is basically just colour,
0:34:26 > 0:34:28but just with the volume turned down.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32We should now be embracing the full rainbow
0:34:32 > 0:34:35that we have at our fingertips.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Inevitably, we did a survey a couple of years ago,
0:34:38 > 0:34:42which was based on how the colour that you chose to have
0:34:42 > 0:34:45in your bedroom affected your, er, romantic life.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47And guess where beige came?
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Absolutely at the very, very bottom.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Who's got a beige bedroom?
0:34:52 > 0:34:54No-one is going to admit to it, are you?
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Oh, dear, Frank.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00It doesn't make much difference when you're wearing a gimp mask.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02No, exactly.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05We found a Laurence beige footstool.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08This is Woolworth's online you can get this.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11- Did it actually say beige? - That is beige.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Did it say beige? No.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17But you can't make it not beige by calling it something else!
0:35:17 > 0:35:21Listen, you CAN. It is not beige. That is sable.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25Look it up!
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Look at this. This is one of your cushions.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29- That's beige. You've got to call that beige.- That's not beige!
0:35:29 > 0:35:32That's classic hearing-aid beige.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37I think you'd like this one.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Ooh, now you're talking.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44What about...? This is...this is beige.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47This is one of your, um, headboards.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50Again, that is sable.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52That is beige!
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Laurence, you have a lot of beige stuff.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57I have a lot of sable stuff.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00I tell you what, if you squint a bit, that looks like
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Darth Vader standing in front of the Taj Mahal.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09One thing that does get quite a lot of stick is beige food.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12You know they say that you should eat a rainbow?
0:36:12 > 0:36:15- Well, this is it. - I have quite a lot of Smarties.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- Yeah.- That is how you judge an unhealthy diet,
0:36:18 > 0:36:21is to say he eats too much beige food.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23- Like pasties.- Like pasties.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26- They're quite beige. - I'd say they were sable.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28OK. I'll give you that one!
0:36:28 > 0:36:31APPLAUSE
0:36:33 > 0:36:36I have to say, you all argued very well.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38I don't feel I can put online dating in,
0:36:38 > 0:36:42because I think there's lonely people who are brought together,
0:36:42 > 0:36:45- and it's a place...in the modern world...- Fine.
0:36:45 > 0:36:50As for Camden Council, I quite like getting an automated voice.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53It makes me feel like I'm living in the 21st century,
0:36:53 > 0:36:55like I'm talking to a crazy robot.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57And then he tells me about my insurance
0:36:57 > 0:37:00and then puts me through to someone in Mumbai.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04That's what I dreamt the 21st century would be like.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08You know, I was pro-beige until you started,
0:37:08 > 0:37:13but you've completely won me over with your crazy style guru ways.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17- Hey!- So I am going to put beige into Room 101.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Thank you very much!
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Goodbye! Goodbye!
0:37:28 > 0:37:31And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34Well done, Charles, you were tonight's most persuasive guest,
0:37:34 > 0:37:40- so you're this week's winner. - Bravo, bravo.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45So, thank you very much to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,
0:37:45 > 0:37:49to Charles Dance, to Andi Osho, and thank you, good night.