0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39the show where three guests battle to send the things
0:00:39 > 0:00:40they hate into the dreaded vault.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46and in each round only one item can be chosen.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Joining me tonight are actor, comedian
0:00:51 > 0:00:53and Pointless host Alexander Armstrong,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55superstar athlete Dame Kelly Holmes,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58and the golden voice of cricket, Henry Blofeld.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09OK, well, let's have the first category, please.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18It's modern life. So what doesn't Alexander like about modern life?
0:01:24 > 0:01:25PHONE BEEPS
0:01:25 > 0:01:27'Hello, Alexander, it's Frank here.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31'I was just calling to see what you want to put into Room 101...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- DOG BARKING - 'Oh, hold on.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34'Get...get under.'
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- It's answer machine messages.- OK.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41You know what happens.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43You ring someone up and, you know, ring-ring, ring-ring,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- six times, and you think, well... - That's a very good impression,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- if you don't mind me saying. - It's not bad.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- I went for my phone then.- Yeah.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55When you get that telltale...that little click, and then sometimes
0:01:55 > 0:01:59you get a very careful voice that says, "Hello, Graham and Barbara
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"can't get to the phone at the moment."
0:02:01 > 0:02:03They've been told to say that.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05They're not allowed to say, "We're not here at the moment,"
0:02:05 > 0:02:08in case there's a burglar from 1976 at the other end.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10"We can't get to the phone at the moment.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12"Please leave your name and number
0:02:12 > 0:02:16"and we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Beep."
0:02:16 > 0:02:20All of which could summed up as "Beep." It's fine.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Just the beep is fine.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24But actually, even leaving a message, I think,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- is a waste of time. These days we have missed calls.- Yeah.- It's fine.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I've had this thing with my girlfriend when she'll phone,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"What is it?" And I say, "Well, I left a message,"
0:02:31 > 0:02:34and she'll say, "Yeah, I haven't listened to it."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37And I say, "Well, phone me back when you've listened to it."
0:02:37 > 0:02:40What about the occasion, you get a chap who rings up, and you
0:02:40 > 0:02:43miss the call, and my immediate reaction is to ring them back.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And then, of course, they're engaged forever
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- while they're leaving a message.- Yes.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Oh, that drives me absolutely mad.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53But it's the... I get messages from my mum, who I love dearly,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56but she will leave messages between two and four minutes long.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I mean, it will be, you know, "Hello, darling.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03"I'm going to tell you now in some detail what I will then tell
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"you in minute detail when you ring me."
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Are you aware of the Gotta Go machine?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10No.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13You know when you phone someone and you don't really want them
0:03:13 > 0:03:16to call you back? You just want to leave a message.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18So when you do your...
0:03:18 > 0:03:21say you'll say, "Hello, this is Frank Skinner here.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24"If you want to call me back, you can get me on..."
0:03:24 > 0:03:26SOUND OF BABY CRYING
0:03:26 > 0:03:30HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:03:32 > 0:03:34And your conscience is clear.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:41 > 0:03:44OK, then, what doesn't Kelly like about modern life?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53The M25.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56WILD CHEERING
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Oh, my God. Drives me insane. I mean, it's ridiculous.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06They widen the roads. Same problem.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10You have roadworks for two years. Traffic, traffic, traffic.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Take the roadworks out. Traffic. Don't make any difference.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- That's a good point. - Pointless. Waste all that money.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Just sit there. The only time it's good is
0:04:18 > 0:04:21when you're bombing it down the little bit that's OK,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24like, three junctions, and everyone else is stuck in traffic.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25You're like, "Ha-ha!"
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Seriously, though, motorways were built to make travelling easier.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35And I spend of my life trying to avoid the M25. I agree entirely.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- It is horrendous.- Well, I can tell you now that the question
0:04:38 > 0:04:42most frequently asked by motorists on the AA online route planner is
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"How can I avoid the M25?"
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I imagine you'd go round the M25, like, 70mph, and then really,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51really do about 120mph just for the last three or four miles,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53just towards the tape,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57and then go round again with a Union Jack draped around the car.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59If only, right?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I was once in a traffic jam in France
0:05:01 > 0:05:03and a guy blasted his horn like that.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06And I thought, "Why is he blasting his horn? We can't move."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And then I thought, "You know what, it's something lovely."
0:05:09 > 0:05:10And we all blasted our horns.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It was like we were blasting it at the universe.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17And, at that moment, we became as one.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21The only time I've done it where it's really good is when I was in the military for nearly ten years.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25First three years I was a heavy goods vehicle driver cos no-one messes with that.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28No. Did you ever drive a tank, Kelly?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Yes.- That would be good, wouldn't it?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Yeah. Can you imagine, on the M25, just ramming over them all?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Get out my way!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Kelly, here's a clip I think you'll enjoy.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42In this instance, we found out that the driver of the lorry has
0:05:42 > 0:05:45no awareness at all of what he's actually involved in.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- Get a load of this.- Gosh.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57MUFFLED SHOUT
0:05:57 > 0:05:59SHE GASPS Terrible.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Incredible that no-one was hurt.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Yeah.- What I like is that the driver of the car had the brake
0:06:03 > 0:06:07lights on, thinking, "I'll stop this."
0:06:09 > 0:06:12The trouble is, when you're side on, looking in, they were
0:06:12 > 0:06:14looking in the rear view mirror,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17and all they could see were people going...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Of course, you've actually got a road named after you.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Yeah.- That's the ultimate...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30that's better than a postbox, isn't it, like they get nowadays.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I've also got an old people's home named after me.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Oh, congratulations.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Kelly Homes.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:43 > 0:06:46This is Dame Kelly Holmes Way. There it is, look.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Actually, yesterday I drove past this road, and there was a
0:06:49 > 0:06:52couple that had literally just come out of the house, and their face was
0:06:52 > 0:06:55a picture, looking at me, going like that, standing right by that sign.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- That was quite funny. - That's perfect, isn't it?
0:06:59 > 0:07:00It was sweet. It was lovely.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Didn't you shout, "Get out of Dame Kelly Holmes Way"?
0:07:03 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I'll remember that.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12OK, then, what doesn't Henry like about modern life?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21What I loathe more about modern life than anything are people who
0:07:21 > 0:07:24want to talk to me at breakfast.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:33APPLAUSE
0:07:33 > 0:07:37I spend a huge amount of time staying in hotels or guest houses,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40and I come down to breakfast and join a big, communal table,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42which puts the fear of God into me,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46and before I've sat down and spilt my first Corn Flake over
0:07:46 > 0:07:50my shirt, three people have said to me, "What do you make of KP, then?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Mmm.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53I loathe it.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58I say, first of all, when I sign in the night before,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01"Is there any way I could have breakfast at a table on my own?"
0:08:01 > 0:08:03And if they say no, I say,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"Is there anyway you could send me a cup of coffee up to my bedroom?"
0:08:06 > 0:08:09And if they say no, I go without having breakfast.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Well, I must say,
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I've spoken to a lot of strangers at breakfast over the years.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:21You have to be a little bit polite, you know.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Sometimes I'll grab the thing off the door
0:08:25 > 0:08:29if I'm going down in a hotel and have breakfast like this.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Actually, I thought that would increase conversations.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36It makes you look rather more attractive.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:44As a little tip, I once travelled on a very early morning train
0:08:44 > 0:08:49from Birmingham to Crewe, during which time I drank a whole bottle
0:08:49 > 0:08:53of Pernod, and I wasn't bothered by anyone for the whole journey.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:56No-one even sat in the three adjoining seats.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58What time did the train start?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I think it was the 8.20.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Another thing I've done, which if you don't want people to
0:09:04 > 0:09:08speak to you in hotels at breakfast, is to wear one of these.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Very good.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19They might ask you for the odd blessing, though.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Well, I don't mind that, certainly.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24The other alternative is sometimes I'll sit with a pile of
0:09:24 > 0:09:2830 or 40 Big Issues. That also keeps people away.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32But what people tend to do is tell people that they've got
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Blowers staying.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37"Ah," they think, "We'll have five bob's worth of him."
0:09:37 > 0:09:40So they all hang around, and they've eaten their breakfast,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43and they've all been chatting themselves up, and when you
0:09:43 > 0:09:46get there, they're in mid-season form and they all talk at once.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Blowers, all you need is a pair of earphones,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54just little ones like that,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56don't even need a thing to plug them into.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Just put the end in your pocket like that and just go down
0:09:58 > 0:10:00and nod your head while you're eating breakfast.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Or I suppose I should I can't hear anyway but I should
0:10:03 > 0:10:05buy a pair of deaf-aids. That'd be a help, wouldn't it?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I mean, I'm not good at hearing.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12Just go down with a couple of massive ear-trumpets like that.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16One man who's managed to keep people at bay when he's having breakfast
0:10:16 > 0:10:18is this man.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:28You could try that, the sort of Quasimodo approach.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Well, you've all put this incredibly well.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Answer phone messages, I sort of like the nostalgia of it.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I like the fact that they still exist.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Also I can see the lure of wanting to speak to you at breakfast, Henry.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48I know it must be annoying, but you are such a raconteur,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52and just the sound of your voice first thing in the morning
0:10:52 > 0:10:54is like a beautiful birdsong.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Now you say that I might make you the great exception to the rule.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Oh, Henry. Maybe tomorrow.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Let's see how it goes.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11If somebody said to me, "You'll be flirting tonight,"
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I would have assumed it would be Kelly, but no.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:22But, Kelly, you argue with such passion about the M25,
0:11:22 > 0:11:26and you're also slightly frightening when you get like that,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- so I am going to put the M25 into Room 101.- Yay!
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Next category, please.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51It's the wildcard, so no restrictions.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Anything you don't like you can choose.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56So what is Kelly's wildcard?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03SNORING NOISE
0:12:06 > 0:12:08People... SNORING CONTINUES
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Oh, sorry. Oh, that's enough.
0:12:10 > 0:12:17People snoring in public places. Trains, planes, lounges,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20especially if they lean over on you on the train.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Oh my gosh. I went on a plane once with my mother.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24It was in the late '90s.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I was going to Mauritius, and this guy, we hadn't taken off.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30We must have been sat down for five minutes, and he'd literally
0:12:30 > 0:12:34fallen asleep within that first two minutes, and he started snoring.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37But he started snoring so loud. I mean, really loud.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It was like a thunderstorm happening, right?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41He had his mouth open.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44So I got this magazine, and I rolled up a piece of paper.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Mum was going, "No, no." And I rolled up this piece of paper,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51and I went like this over the seat, and it went in his mouth.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54He went... GARGLING
0:12:54 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Oh, my gosh...
0:12:59 > 0:13:05- Coincidentally, I was on the M25 once...- And you fell asleep?!
0:13:05 > 0:13:11..and this guy was not only snoring, but leaning right across me.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14But that's what happens if you get a lift home from George Michael.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:22I looked at...they had a list of most annoying train habits,
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- and this was only 19th...- Really? - ..on the list.- Oh, my gosh.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- It's above...- It's not just trains. - It's above derailment.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32LAUGHTER
0:13:32 > 0:13:35My dad used to come back from work, and he would sit...
0:13:35 > 0:13:37he'd watch the telly like this.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44And I thought, this is the funniest thing that'll ever happen.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48And then I saw the same thing being done by a meerkat.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:19It's a horrible, intimate noise, though,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- somebody else snoring, isn't it? - It is.- It's just...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It's very intrusive, isn't it?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- It's all...it's really too... - Phlegmy and...- Yeah.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29All right.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Kelly, you've firmly ended any outside chance we ever
0:14:32 > 0:14:36had of having a close relationship, because I snore for the world.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Your poor wife.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40She buys baseball bats.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I'm with her.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47I was once filming in Dorset
0:14:47 > 0:14:50and one of the guys I was with,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53lovely bloke, very camp guy.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56And he actually had a camp snore.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58He was in the next bed to me
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- and I've told him about this so I can share this,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03we laughed about it the next day, he didn't believe me,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06but honestly it's true. He had a camp snore.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I lay in the dark and I could hear...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11HE SNORTS
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"Mmmmmh..."
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I swear.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19HE SNORTS
0:15:19 > 0:15:22"Mmmmmh..."
0:15:23 > 0:15:27The internet features lots of people who have been
0:15:27 > 0:15:30photographed on public transport sleeping.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32So here's a man asleep on the Tube.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Oh, he's definitely snoring. Look at that.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Looks painful.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44This is actually a photograph on a train.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46You do get people on planes who,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49if they're going to sleep, they don't just go to sleep.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52They have to go and get their sleep suit on, and their sleep socks.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Here is a man who has taken that just a stage further.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Oh, my gosh. That would be my worst nightmare.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11The joy of that is the facial expression
0:16:11 > 0:16:13of the guy sitting next to him.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19The thing is,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22if you're taking photographs of people asleep on public transport,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25when you get really lucky they've got a dog with them as well.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:36 > 0:16:39OK. What's Henry's wildcard?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47People, Frank, who endlessly say to you, whether you leave
0:16:47 > 0:16:50a restaurant, a shop, a snack bar, whatever,
0:16:50 > 0:16:55- "Have a good day. Have a nice day." - Mmm.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Why can't they say something like, "We'll see you next time,"
0:17:01 > 0:17:05or, "What-ho," or, "Don't panic," if you like?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09When they say, "Have a good day," do you think they're going to rush back
0:17:09 > 0:17:12into the room and say, "My goodness, I hope that Blowers has a good day.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"It would be awful if he had a stinker, wouldn't it?"
0:17:17 > 0:17:22My pet thing is when people thank you in advance for things.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24So sometimes you'll be driving down the road.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27You go into a little, small village, and it says,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- "Thank you for driving carefully." - Yes, indeed.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33And I think, "Well, if they regard this as driving carefully,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35"they are liberal indeed."
0:17:35 > 0:17:40And also that one, "Thank you for..." you get this in nightclubs.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43"Thank you for leaving quietly."
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I've used that to end a few relationships.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You're probably the only person I know
0:17:52 > 0:17:55who could get away with, "Toodle-oo."
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- Toodle-oo. Yes, toodle-pip I do a bit.- OK.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02You know where that comes from, toodle-oo?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05It's because French people say "A tout a l'heure," and apparently
0:18:05 > 0:18:09it was an old soldier's version of "tout a l'heure."
0:18:09 > 0:18:10They say, "Toodle-oo."
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Yes, I thought it was French for, "Where's the toilet?"
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Where does tinkety-tonk come from?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, God.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- Tinkety...- Tinkety-tonk.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I think I prefer "tinkety-tonk" to "have a nice day."
0:18:23 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:26 > 0:18:30We'll see if we can introduce it from the strength of this programme.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34OK, then, what is Alexander's wildcard?
0:18:39 > 0:18:45Yes. This is the 27th, the 28th, the 29th and 30th of December.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I mean, what a waste of time.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Can anybody remember, I wonder, anything that they have done
0:18:55 > 0:18:57meaningfully on any of those four days?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Actually, to be honest, I would take the whole week.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I'd take Boxing Day out as well, but I'm going to give you
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Boxing Day, because let's face it, it keeps Christmas Day special.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07You've got Boxing Day afterwards to be bored in.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Then you're just treading water.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13You do endless things that you'll always regret
0:19:13 > 0:19:17while you say the five words, "Oh, go on, it's Christmas."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Basically, that's...
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Those five words have started so many terrible, terrible things.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25"Go on, it's Christmas.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28"We'll have five bottles of wine for lunch."
0:19:28 > 0:19:31But it just twists on interminably.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34And then suddenly you come to... I mean, New Year's Eve, it's fine.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38New Year's Eve I would say probably kicks in at about 5 in the evening.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41You could lose the first bit of New Year's Eve, actually.
0:19:41 > 0:19:47As an edit point, some time after Downton Abbey on Christmas Day
0:19:47 > 0:19:50to, um, about 5pm on New Year's Eve.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51- Just... - HE SLURPS
0:19:51 > 0:19:53No-one would even notice.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57How could you realistically do something about this?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:01 > 0:20:02I tell you what.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I'm glad you asked that, Henry,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10because I think maybe we could speak to someone in charge and then we
0:20:10 > 0:20:15could maybe shift New Year's Eve to the 27th and then have it all then.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Have all the celebrations, and then we've got, what, four days in hand
0:20:18 > 0:20:23that we can maybe use as sort of wildcards throughout the year.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24My problem with this is
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I think people really look forward to those lazy days.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30What you need is a harder job.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33APPLAUSE
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I bet you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, sitting here wasting our time.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43"We could be recording another 20 episodes of Pointless."
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Does Richard Osman come round and put your trimmings up, by the way?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50He has been known to, yeah.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Was this Donny Osmond, did you say? - No, it was...
0:20:52 > 0:20:55LAUGHTER
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Yeah, they're very close friends, Alexander and Donny Osmond.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05I tell you what I recommend, this covers that period perfectly.
0:21:05 > 0:21:11This is 96-hour deodorant, which you can put on on Boxing Day,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14you don't even have to think about it again till you're getting
0:21:14 > 0:21:17ready for the party on New Year's Eve. So that's it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I can't do that, Alexander, because I really like it.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23How lovely to have no pressure at all, to do nothing.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28It's great. And also, the snoring, I know what you mean,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30but they can't help it, these poor people.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33People are working so hard. They're fatigued.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35But, "Have a nice day..."
0:21:35 > 0:21:39I like politeness in all its forms, but I think it's become hollow.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I think it's become something that people really don't mean.
0:21:42 > 0:21:48So I am going to put people who say, "Have a nice day," into Room 101.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51APPLAUSE
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I nearly went down there as well.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Next category, please.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07It's time for the audience choice
0:22:07 > 0:22:10and I believe Judith Cheyne is with us tonight.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Where are you, Judith?- I'm here.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Hello. Thank you so much for coming.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15What would you like to put into Room 101?
0:22:15 > 0:22:20I would like to put portaloos, portable toilets, into Room 101.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Portable toilets?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24APPLAUSE
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Yeah, you people applauding,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30the next time you're absolutely desperate...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Why is that, Judith?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I just find it a very traumatic experience using a portable toilet.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Yes, I believe it's supposed to be.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40LAUGHTER
0:22:40 > 0:22:41You hover around quite a while,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44trying to decide whether you can go in or not.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Eventually somebody comes out, you then go in,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49you then fight with the lock yourself
0:22:49 > 0:22:52to make sure it is engaged, hoping nobody will try and come in.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56There's nowhere to put your handbag, hang your handbag, in a portaloo.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58That is annoying.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00The floor's quite often very slippy...
0:23:00 > 0:23:04I wonder why!
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Quite often, there's the previous occupants have left a few deposits,
0:23:08 > 0:23:13so you have to pump away to get rid of the previous occupant's deposits.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Do you use them a lot?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:23:19 > 0:23:24You sound like you might be sleeping rough on a regular basis?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Are you a big festivalgoer?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29No, I work for the International Sheep Dog Society
0:23:29 > 0:23:31and I use them at sheepdog trials,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34which are obviously held in fields where you don't have facilities,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37so we have the use of portaloos.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41I don't understand why, in this day and age of technology,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- they're still the same.- I don't really want them to get technical.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I like that it's a lovely insight
0:23:47 > 0:23:50into toilet-going in the Middle Ages.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52How are you guys with portaloos?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I think they're what I would call an evil necessity.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59I can quite see what the lady is saying about them, but I just
0:23:59 > 0:24:03think if they weren't there, the alternative might be almost worse.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05You know, otherwise you burst.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:12Thank you. Our medical correspondent.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16I think by association you have to be so desperate to use one,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19you have to overcome such desperation to use one
0:24:19 > 0:24:21that I almost by association think of them as,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"Ah..."
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- There's a weird association with relief.- Yes.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I mean, obviously that's then very quickly twinned with,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31"Argh, my trousers are filthy."
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Because of the floor. - Yes, of course.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Have you ever tried to use them at night, though, when it's dark?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Because there's no lighting in them at all.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- Do you do... - They're seriously dark.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Are the sheepdog wearing headlights at this stage?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49No, it's when we're having a few beers after.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Oh, well, now it's all coming out.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52I don't wish to be disrespectful,
0:24:52 > 0:24:57- but I sort of think that the countryside- is- a toilet.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:25:02No, but I mean I just think you can go behind a tree in the countryside.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Isn't that...? I've done walks through the countryside
0:25:05 > 0:25:07and one of the joys of being in the countryside is you think,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"Ooh, I'd quite like to have a wee, I've had one."
0:25:10 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:17Anyway, I like your passion for this topic,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20so I am going to put portable toilets into Room 101.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24APPLAUSE
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Right, let's have our next category.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38It's food and drink.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41So what doesn't Henry like about food and drink?
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Restaurants that don't have powder-based English mustard.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52APPLAUSE
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I can think of a number of five-star restaurants who say,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02"Yes, sir," and they go off and they bring a pot of ready-mixed
0:26:02 > 0:26:05yellowness, which is rather nasty French mustard.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- I don't mean all French mustard is bad. It's not.- No.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11But I think French mustard really is best taken when you want to
0:26:11 > 0:26:15disguise the original taste of the food you're eating.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Mmm.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Really good English mustard is made with powder.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23You put a teaspoonful out of a tin into an eggcup and then you
0:26:23 > 0:26:27trickle a little bit of water in and you stir it round, and then,
0:26:27 > 0:26:31if you can, you leave it for 24 hours to mature, and it's brilliant.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35You know you can get mustard for pets now? This is genuine.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39We haven't made this up. This is mustard for dogs.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Seriously?
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Honestly. It's real.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48It's commercially available and you put this on your dog's food
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- as a relish.- Petchup!
0:26:50 > 0:26:55How does your dog let you know that he wants mustard on his food?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Well, the advantage of dogs is they'll eat anything.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00So it doesn't matter. This is the cat version.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02I'm not making this up.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Meowstard.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Now, I am fascinated by this choice
0:27:07 > 0:27:11because, as a child, we always had the powdered English mustard.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14And I thought that's cos we were poor.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18I thought it was because we couldn't afford the ready-mixed stuff.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21But it turns out that we were actually eating the proper stuff.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Absolutely.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Now, I've got to the point with this - you'll think this is absurd -
0:27:25 > 0:27:28that there are restaurants I go to I know,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30and hotels, that don't have it,
0:27:30 > 0:27:35so I keep a tin of powdered mustard in the glove pocket of my car.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38You'll enjoy this, Henry. The first time I went in a posh restaurant,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I came down to London from Birmingham, I was doing well,
0:27:41 > 0:27:45I was taken to a posh restaurant, quite, you know, excited,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I ordered steak tartare well done.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51LAUGHTER
0:27:51 > 0:27:55And I sympathise with the people in the audience who didn't get that joke.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59It's a true story. People on adjoining tables were laughing.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02LAUGHTER
0:28:02 > 0:28:07OK. In case any of our younger viewers have never seen what Henry
0:28:07 > 0:28:11speaks of, there it is. It's a powdered variety.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15I tell you, I think I might be the only person who's ever done this,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18but what I love to do - and I'm not doing this for a joke - this
0:28:18 > 0:28:22is something I do in my personal life - is I like to dip a banana...
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- Serious? - I'm not certain where this is going.
0:28:24 > 0:28:29- Yeah.- I'm serious. I like to dip a banana, thus, in the...
0:28:30 > 0:28:32- Ugh.- It's beautiful.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34That's gross.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35I tell you a thing you remind me of.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Please don't tell me what I remind you of at this moment.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40LAUGHTER
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- I love sausages.- So do I.
0:28:45 > 0:28:50But one of the problems with sausages is their tubularity,
0:28:50 > 0:28:52so that...they're tubes.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56And so if you put something like ketchup or squeezy mustard on,
0:28:56 > 0:29:00often it won't stay on a hot sausage. It'll slide off.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04It's a sort of sausage rodeo made by the thing,
0:29:04 > 0:29:05and I find that really annoying.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- Do you put the mustard on the whole sausage?- Oh...
0:29:08 > 0:29:10- Why not cut the sausage into a little...- Yes.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12- A little coin of sausage... - And then dab.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16Knife in the mustard, and smear it, up your nose.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Ooh, but I like it.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Or dunk it like your banana.
0:29:20 > 0:29:25Yeah. It's been a real education here tonight.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27And what about that when they say, "Oh, don't touch that plate,
0:29:27 > 0:29:33"it's really, really hot." Well, don't bring it to me then!
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Don't... Health and safety.
0:29:35 > 0:29:36I would like to have
0:29:36 > 0:29:39a small Calor gas stove that I kept under the table
0:29:39 > 0:29:42and really got that plate really hot again.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45And when they came to get the dirty plates went,
0:29:45 > 0:29:48"Argh!"
0:29:48 > 0:29:51I'd tell you it's hot. "Be careful with that."
0:29:51 > 0:29:52I just love it.
0:29:52 > 0:29:57OK, what does Kelly not like about food and drink?
0:30:02 > 0:30:03OK. Yes.
0:30:04 > 0:30:12Stickers on the bottom of new plates, glasses, bowls,
0:30:12 > 0:30:14you name it. Oh my gosh.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17How many times have I bought a new set, you know, really exciting,
0:30:17 > 0:30:20or I've got some friends round, bought some new glasses, and you
0:30:20 > 0:30:23spend, like, half an hour trying to scrape these things off the bottom?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26I suppose the only way of guaranteeing taking them
0:30:26 > 0:30:28off is to let them soak for about 24 hours, then when they come...
0:30:28 > 0:30:30No, I've tried that.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Do that around about the time you're making the mustard...
0:30:32 > 0:30:34LAUGHTER
0:30:36 > 0:30:39There's a real...this is a real thing.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43This is something you get. What about this for an idea?
0:30:43 > 0:30:49Give your partner a nice cup of tea, and then it says, "Marry me?"
0:30:49 > 0:30:50in the bottom.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53Has anything ever been more set up for someone to go...
0:30:53 > 0:30:56HE MIMICS SPITTING
0:30:56 > 0:30:57Also, what about when you give it...
0:30:57 > 0:31:00when the woman from next door comes round and you give her the cup,
0:31:00 > 0:31:03and you think, oh, God, that's the 'marry me' cup.
0:31:05 > 0:31:06What about this, Kelly?
0:31:06 > 0:31:11- Go on.- Would you serve stuff on...this is a plate that actually
0:31:11 > 0:31:14- comes with an English breakfast printed on it.- No.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- What do you think? - No, I wouldn't.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20I have to say, I've taken plates out of my dishwasher that have
0:31:20 > 0:31:22got this much food still on them.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26- No, honestly, it's so irritating... - Yeah.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29They just put these stickers on and you can't get them off.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30You're, like, scraping them off.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33You put them in the dishwasher. It goes all gluey.
0:31:33 > 0:31:38The sticker thing, I have a tweet, and this is from Richard Osman,
0:31:38 > 0:31:42who is, I know, a colleague and close associate of yours, Alexander.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45And here is Richard Osman's tweet. And it says...
0:31:52 > 0:31:56And he's referring to Tesco stocking the Pointless book.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- Yeah.- And this is what it looks like.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03LAUGHTER
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Oh, he's worth more than that.
0:32:07 > 0:32:12OK. So what doesn't Alexander like about food and drink?
0:32:19 > 0:32:23- Yes. These are unnecessary cocktail ingredients.- Mmm.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26I...now...just be perfectly plain at this point,
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I have nothing against cocktails per se.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30I think cocktails are marvellous.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33They're racy, they're fun, they're brightly coloured,
0:32:33 > 0:32:35they're exotic, they're delicious.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38They are, let's face it, the perfect way to introduce children to
0:32:38 > 0:32:40alcohol, which is...
0:32:40 > 0:32:42LAUGHTER
0:32:42 > 0:32:44I think, actually, one thing is wrong with cocktails,
0:32:44 > 0:32:47and that's when you're standing at a pub behind somebody
0:32:47 > 0:32:50who asks for four Mojitos, and you know that you're going to be waiting
0:32:50 > 0:32:54- there for half an hour while some... - While they make it.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57..sweaty man in an apron picks up some bar truncheon
0:32:57 > 0:33:01and starts mashing bits of herb with it.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03Have you ever...?
0:33:07 > 0:33:10When I next hear someone ask for a Brandy Alexander I shall
0:33:10 > 0:33:14watch with interest what they're going to get, won't you?
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Truly, Henry, you are the voice of the people.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:18 > 0:33:21No, I think the cocktail I'm particularly talking about is
0:33:21 > 0:33:24the one...they're cocktails you make at home. Bloody Mary.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27The list of Bloody Mary ingredients just gets longer and longer for
0:33:27 > 0:33:32every year it exists, because it's a drink made by hung-over people, and
0:33:32 > 0:33:35hung-over people just can never make up their minds what it is they want.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38They know that something is going to make them better.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40What they don't realise is that thing is time.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45A Bloody Mary, it's tomato juice and it's vodka,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47and that's all it is, and the rest you can do yourself.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50A little Lea & Perrins and maybe some Tabasco. But no, no, no.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Now somebody says, "Maybe you want a bit of lemon juice in that."
0:33:52 > 0:33:55You think, oh, lemon juice. And maybe a bit of celery salt.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57You have to have celery salt, and black pepper.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00They say, "I tell you what you want in there,
0:34:00 > 0:34:02"a little bit of beef consomme." You think, there you go.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05"Oh, no, no, I tell you what's missing from that.
0:34:05 > 0:34:06"Horseradish."
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Now this is an ingredient added by someone who's still
0:34:09 > 0:34:10drunk from the night before.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14It doesn't dissolve. You can't mix horseradish in.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16It just floats around like something horrific in a hot tub.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18It's just...
0:34:22 > 0:34:25I'm slightly outside looking in on this,
0:34:25 > 0:34:28because I have to drink virgin cocktails.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30So I drink Virgin Mary instead of a Bloody Mary.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33- Well, you probably want all the stuff in that, don't you?- Yes.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36There's a popular cocktail called Sex on the Beach.
0:34:36 > 0:34:41Do you know what the virgin version of that is called?
0:34:41 > 0:34:42Without alcohol.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- I dread to think.- Any offers?
0:34:45 > 0:34:46I've no clue.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49It's called Safe Sex on the Beach.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Honestly, it is.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55And as I'm a Roman Catholic reformed alcoholic, I can't touch either.
0:34:55 > 0:34:59LAUGHTER
0:34:59 > 0:35:03That was a slow-burner, wasn't it?
0:35:03 > 0:35:06I mean, when I did drink,
0:35:06 > 0:35:09I really didn't want things sticking in the top.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11- Anything that slowed me down... - Yeah.
0:35:11 > 0:35:15I regarded ice cubes as, like, speed bumps.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17LAUGHTER
0:35:18 > 0:35:21So I never, even when I did drink,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24I never really saw the attraction of the cocktail.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Would you drink cocktails, Kelly?
0:35:27 > 0:35:29- I didn't drink when I was an athlete, at all.- No, of course.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31I kind of like champagne these days, it's kind of nice,
0:35:31 > 0:35:33if somebody else is buying it.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36I don't think athletes generally drink much, do they?
0:35:36 > 0:35:37Do they?
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Oh, go on. Who?
0:35:39 > 0:35:41They shouldn't mix it with all those drugs.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43LAUGHTER
0:35:43 > 0:35:45APPLAUSE
0:35:48 > 0:35:52I think it's the ritual of it that people like, though, isn't it?
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Isn't that the whole thing of watching it being done and stuff?
0:35:55 > 0:35:59- Yes.- It's like, you know when people have tequila
0:35:59 > 0:36:02and they'll have - is it lemon juice first or is that first?
0:36:02 > 0:36:05- Oh, yes, the lime.- Salt? - I think you have lemon juice...
0:36:05 > 0:36:08Lime and salt. This is a tequila shot
0:36:08 > 0:36:10where you have the salt, then the shot...
0:36:10 > 0:36:13I think you lick salt off your hand, then you drink it
0:36:13 > 0:36:14- and then you suck a lemon. - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16I actually...
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Basically everything my girlfriend cooks,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20I eat exactly like that.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22LAUGHTER
0:36:28 > 0:36:32So, Kelly, I just don't know that I see this as a major
0:36:32 > 0:36:35- problem in life, the stickers thing. - Oh, my gosh.
0:36:35 > 0:36:40All my cups and plates have still got stickers on, and they come off.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42First two years are the worst.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47The cocktails, I think the whole joy of a cocktail is all
0:36:47 > 0:36:53the extraneous stuff, otherwise you might as well just drink turps.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58But, Henry, I think, of all the choices we've ever had on this
0:36:58 > 0:37:04show, the lack of powdered mustard in restaurants, I cannot let
0:37:04 > 0:37:09that go by without it being recognised as particularly fine.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12So I am going to put restaurants not having
0:37:12 > 0:37:16powdered English mustard into Room 101.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:27 > 0:37:29And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32Well done, Henry, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:37:32 > 0:37:33so you are this week's winner.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36APPLAUSE
0:37:38 > 0:37:41And thanks very much, Alexander Armstrong, Dame Kelly Holmes
0:37:41 > 0:37:44and Henry Blofeld, and thank you. Tinkety-tonk.