0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Hello, I'm Frank Skinner,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38and welcome to Room 101, the show where three guests battle to get
0:00:38 > 0:00:42the things they hate entombed for all eternity in the dreaded vault.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47and in each round only one item can be chosen.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are writer
0:00:52 > 0:00:55and broadcaster Victoria Coren Mitchell, actor Warwick Davies
0:00:55 > 0:00:58and, from Embarrassing Bodies, Dr Christian Jessen.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Right, then, let's have our first category.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13It's people.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16So, who winds up Victoria?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24James Bond.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Wow.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- CROWD OOH - "Ooh", go the crowd.- Ooh.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29You see, people are going, "Ooh,"
0:01:29 > 0:01:31like you don't all know that he's a terrible wazzock.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34LAUGHTER
0:01:34 > 0:01:38James Bond has been a repetitive,
0:01:38 > 0:01:39ghastly bore for decades.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42He used to make bad jokes, now he makes no jokes.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45He manages to combine, uniquely, I think,
0:01:45 > 0:01:49violence and sexism with a sort of weird, camp fussiness
0:01:49 > 0:01:54about everything he eats and drinks and does, and yet women are
0:01:54 > 0:01:57supposed to find him irresistible because he has special pens.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:01He's clearly a terrible spy.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I think it's in...is it The Spy Who Loved Me?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07There's one where he jumps over a cliff with a parachute
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- featuring a giant union flag...- Mmm.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13..revealing that he's failed to grasp the basic principles
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- of international espionage.- Yes.
0:02:15 > 0:02:1830 years later, Skyfall, he can't even keep one old lady safe,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22which is not surprising, because his big escape plan is to get away from
0:02:22 > 0:02:27the helicopters by running across a pitch-black moor with a lantern.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Skyfall did sort of win me back a bit.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35You know when you see a film you really love?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I walked back to the car. You know when you kind of do the...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39like you're James Bond.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41And when I went up to the car I got my dibber,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44and it was like it was some super gadget.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I just went like that to open the car doors, and the lights
0:02:46 > 0:02:50came on in the car, and I could see the baby seat in the back, and it...
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Also, he takes up poker, which he never played in the books.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Suddenly in Casino Royale he comes in, the new one, as a poker player.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00He's terrible at poker.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04The art of reading people at poker is a very fine
0:03:04 > 0:03:08and nuanced ability to pick up, you know, the faintest
0:03:08 > 0:03:11change in someone's breathing, in the maths of their betting patterns.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14James Bond can't beat a man whose eyes bleed when he's bluffing.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16LAUGHING
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I tell you what he plays, I think it's in Goldfinger,
0:03:19 > 0:03:20there's a tense scene...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:28..when Goldfinger says, "So, Mr Bond, does he have a beard?"
0:03:28 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:35How could you improve Bond, then?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Who would...what would be your perfect Bond? How would he be?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- I think completely different... - Warwick's looking for a job here.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I just...
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I think he'd have better jokes, if he's going to make jokes,
0:03:50 > 0:03:55I think he'd be generally nicer, he'd be a better spy.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I read a quote from you, Warwick,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00that you did say that you thought you'd make a good Bond.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- I have said that in the past.- Yeah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I did feel there was a story, perhaps,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08for kind of another person that is behind the scenes,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11under the casino table, behind the potted plant...
0:04:11 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:14..and he's the one doing all the hard work,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18where Bond is the one getting the girl and taking all the credit...
0:04:18 > 0:04:22- Yeah.- ..really, there's somebody else, yours truly.- Yeah.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25That makes sense, I could see that working as a plot.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I quite like the codename double-O three-and-a-half, you see...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:33My dream for Bond was that George Formby would've got
0:04:33 > 0:04:34a Bond theme before he died.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39That would have changed the whole... Can you just imagine him doing...?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41In fact, don't imagine.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:45This is what I think it would've been like
0:04:45 > 0:04:48if George Formby had got a Bond. I had this with me, yes.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52# He's got a powerful weapon... # Hee-hee!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55# He charges a million a shot
0:04:55 > 0:04:59# An assassin second to none
0:04:59 > 0:05:03# The man with the golden gun. #
0:05:03 > 0:05:04- APPLAUSE - He-he!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08They loved it.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12But I like the gadgets. You must like the gadgets.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14No, not really. They're sort of...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I mean, I like the nerdiness of them.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18What about this fabulous gadget?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21So, this, you just take it from your pocket, you're in the casino.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24People think, oh, perfectly ordinary pen.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Ooh...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Can actually pull up his own Speedos.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Got another gadget.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40This is a pen that's actually a weapon.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43There it is.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I think this was in Thunderball, if I remember rightly.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54LAUGHTER
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I must say, Frank, I have never wanted you more.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- My favourite gadget is the jet pack.- Mm.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09From Thunderball, when he actually flies with it...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- That's one of the only real gadgets, really, that actually works.- Yeah.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16I've spent my whole youth dreaming of... We've got a picture of it.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21That, look. Not only, but remember a time when you could park like that?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25What I like about it is because you hold it like this,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29it's tempting you into a double thumbs-up.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32So you really want to appear at bedroom windows going...
0:06:32 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I'm not 100% convinced by this,
0:06:38 > 0:06:42cos you know Bond in incredible detail
0:06:42 > 0:06:45and you've seen every single movie, right up to the latest one.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Yes, because the alternative... - If you disliked him that much,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51you would've cut it off at about Goldfinger, or something.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54No, then I'd have had to spend Boxing Day talking to my family.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Yes, OK. Well, I'm going to find out what Christian
0:07:00 > 0:07:02doesn't like on the people front.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Well, there we are. Clear as mud, really, isn't it?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15So you take two of those and, um, I'll see you in a week.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I would like to see doctors go into Room 101.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- AUDIENCE GASPS - Yes.- A gasp? Come on.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Six years in medical school, hundreds of exams,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29and they can't even bloody write.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I mean, have you ever met a more arrogant, self-centred,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36egocentric bunch of people than doctors?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40It's quite a scary experience, going to see a doctor.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- And it shouldn't be, should it?- No.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45It should be a happy, joyous experience where you feel
0:07:45 > 0:07:47warmed and welcomed and looked after, but people don't.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48I think the trouble is,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51when you get very academic people and medicine, you know,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- usually the brightest kids in school are pushed into doing medicine.- Mmm.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00Sometimes the most academic people are not always the best
0:08:00 > 0:08:01socially, shall we say.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Yes.- It's bedside manner, isn't it? - Bedside manner.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I couldn't even think of the word. That just proves it, doesn't it?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- And I think...- In case you don't know Bedside Manor,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12it's the sequel to Downton Abbey.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Can I ask you a technical question?- Go on, then.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20When they do that thing where... this is like a male thing,
0:08:20 > 0:08:25you have to take your pants down and cough...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Did you not know? It's true.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30You take your pants down and they say, "Right, cough".
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Are they just trying to see if the idea of spreading germs excites you?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Why are they doing that?- Boredom.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- It's to check for hernias.- Oh, OK.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49If you cough, you increase abdominal pressure and pop a hernia out,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51if you have one. Shall we try?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- LAUGHTER - I don't know.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58This is the kind of one where you want to get a hand clap going from the audience.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Cough, cough, cough, cough!
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I'm just worried what Christian will do if there is one.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It'd be like that thing when you hit the frogs with a mallet.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:10I'd like to ask you some other technical stuff, if I may.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12There's something that happens when you go to the doctor's
0:09:12 > 0:09:15which I've always thought is an incredibly...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17It seems a very old-fashioned thing.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19And that's when you cross your knees
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- and they hit your knee to test your reflexes.- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27And they have a special hammer that they use.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- I mean, why is it like that? - Why is it like that?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- No reason at all. - Why is it pointy at the end?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Do they keep them all in a big melon?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Why are they pointy at the end? - It's to test feeling.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45So, you know, you test the reflex with the other end,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47and then you poke somebody to see
0:09:47 > 0:09:50whether they can feel that leg the same as that leg, or something.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Isn't that right? - That's absolutely right.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55The other thing, Christian, why do they come in two lengths?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:09:59One of those is for me.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01LAUGHTER
0:10:01 > 0:10:06That's the most reassuring thing, that moment when these go on.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I always think, now I'm in the hands of a professional.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- But if you ever see the other end... - LAUGHTER
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I love doctors. I can't have this go in the room.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- No?- Whose time would I waste when I wasn't ill?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Also, I would never have discovered the Reader's Digest.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34OK. Well, doctors, it's controversial.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Right, what kind of people wind up Warwick?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46People who send e-mails.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47LAUGHTER
0:10:47 > 0:10:49That's a lot of people!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Well, you know, it used to be done via letter.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56One would take a pen and a piece of paper
0:10:56 > 0:11:00and take care to write a letter, to date it, to sign it, and to put it
0:11:00 > 0:11:04in an envelope, stick it down, put a stamp on it, take it to the postbox.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- It was an art form.- Hmm. - And it's been forgotten.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09It's so easy to fire off an e-mail with a few words,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12no capital letters, no punctuation.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Then somebody like myself has to reply to it.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Then you get another one back.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Long e-mails, they're even more annoying, actually,
0:11:19 > 0:11:20than these little sentences,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23because you have to plough through it to get to the point.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Hold it, that's what letters were like.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31The letter is normally on one page, and it's just a nice...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33you can sit with it on the toilet...
0:11:33 > 0:11:34LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You've all got an image in your head now.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's much like this, actually...
0:11:43 > 0:11:45What, it's a three-seater?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:50You write an e-mail and it has the wrong tone.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53On the phone you can hear somebody's tone, whether they're happy
0:11:53 > 0:11:56or angry, or what have you, and you can't mistake that.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I once sent a text that had, in brackets, "Friendly but firm".
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- But you're quite right.- You really need to be introduced to emoticons.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Oh, I can't do that. I can't do a smiley face.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Sorry, do you use emoticons?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- I actually do. I quite like them. - Do you?- Yeah.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Also, they don't cover enough of the emotions.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19What's the emoticon for reticent?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21LAUGHTER
0:12:21 > 0:12:22I tell you one thing,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26sending photos by e-mail is quite nice, though, isn't it?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Then you could send a print, couldn't you?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Getting prints was more exciting. Now we don't...
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I don't think we actually admire photos as we used to.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36There's no albums any more, are there?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39You know, I couldn't sit down with my kids and say,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"Look at the album," because we haven't got one.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I bet they're grateful for that, though.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:49I do sometimes think, what'd happen if the internet went down?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Would all my photos disappear and I'd never, ever get them back?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55That would be a pretty terrible thing.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58There's actually a thing that they do on the internet in case
0:12:58 > 0:13:01you lose a treasured photo from the past.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Here's an example of this.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06If you take this photo of this guy holding his baby.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10So, obviously, you wouldn't want to lose all track of that.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15So as backup they recreate it, several years later, like this.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:19 > 0:13:21It's beautiful, isn't it?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25This one I think you'll like even more. This is the old photo.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Oh, no.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30And here's the backup.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:35They must be pretty crinkly by now.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And this one, the whole nature of this one has changed.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41This is two sisters.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46And their modern version.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:52OK, so we come to the end of this round.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I don't think I can put James Bond in.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59I take your point, but I do love both the books and the movies,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and I would really miss him if he went away.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Doctors, if I put doctors in,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08that would be the end of the world, wouldn't it, Christian?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Although they can be a bit strange and a bit insensitive,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13they are essentially heroic.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16But, Warwick, although I've had e-mails that have made me very happy
0:14:16 > 0:14:21indeed, you're right, there are a great many, and often annoying ones.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23So, on this occasion, I agree with you.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I am going to put people who send e-mails, especially to you,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29because you don't like it, into Room 101.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30APPLAUSE
0:14:41 > 0:14:43OK, next category, please.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Modern life.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53OK, what winds up Christian about modern life?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02People who put empty containers back in the fridge.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I think my work here is done!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- I've got a question.- Go on.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15How did my fridge get here?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:21 > 0:15:23The people who, say with the milk,
0:15:23 > 0:15:27they'll pour the milk until there's about that much
0:15:27 > 0:15:30left in the bottom, and put that back in the fridge, too.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Do you have people that do that?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35It's mainly men, isn't it, to be fair? It's mainly men.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40- There's a thing that men do that women never do.- What's that?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Which is to take a pint of milk out of the fridge, sniff it,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45make a face, then put it back in.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Those are all in the sort of same theme as this.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- No, but the milk, I do that with the milk.- You can't justify this.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Well, I believe I can.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00I will put a tiny...a tiny little bit of milk back in the fridge,
0:16:00 > 0:16:05because I don't want to make that cup of tea a bit milkier than
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I want it to be, just to empty that.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Whereas there's always another pint of milk.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13And so the next cup of tea, I can put in that last draining.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You know, they're not individuals, cartons of milk.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17They're like a relay team.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER
0:16:19 > 0:16:22If you have a well-ordered household and an efficient housekeeper,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24yes, Frank, but if you're like me
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and your fridge is permanently half empty,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29then there definitely isn't another carton of milk in there.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31And that much milk, which isn't good for anything,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34even a cup of tea, is just really, really irritating.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I will keep stuff for ages and ages.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41The back of my fridge has got like about five jars,
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- and it's like a familiar city skyline.- Yeah.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49My girlfriend will drink that much out of a bottle of water
0:16:49 > 0:16:54and then put that in the fridge, and then she can't remember
0:16:54 > 0:16:57whether it's her water or my water.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00So she won't drink it again, in case it's my water,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02and she doesn't want my spit on her.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07You're all right with saliva and stuff like that. I've seen...
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- Professionally, yeah.- Well, you say professionally. Look at this.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- Oh, that's sweet!- Christian, no doctor, no doctor can sanction that.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- That's horrible. - Look at his little face.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Yes, but it's not his little face I'm thinking about.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29OK, then, what aspect of modern life upsets Warwick?
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Petrol station shops that close at night.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Mmm.- Right.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43So, as you can see, this is almost to scale.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Now, what it is, you have these little tills, you see,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52over here, and the attendant serves you through that till.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54What happens if you need some goods?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58You know, a few pints of milk, a baguette.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02How is that getting through there, for one?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04And also, it's trying to describe to the gentleman or
0:18:04 > 0:18:09lady behind that glass screen what you want when they can't hear you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And it's especially difficult for me, because,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13you know, my head is right down here somewhere.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17So I'm just looking over the top, going, "Can I have a baguette?"
0:18:17 > 0:18:21I think, though, you could market the sort of night garage diet,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25because, as you say, you can only put certain things through the slot.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Mmm. - So big things, you can't have.- No.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31So I once asked for a Chunky Kit Kat, and he said,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33"No, you're going to have to have an ordinary Kit Kat".
0:18:33 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:40So it's got... I was very tempted to ask for a Double Decker.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43They also think, blokes in garages, in the age of the sat nav,
0:18:43 > 0:18:47they're desperate to get rid of the road atlases no-one wants any more,
0:18:47 > 0:18:48so when you're going...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50HE MOUTHS
0:18:50 > 0:18:52They keep going...
0:18:52 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:57You know, the method that a lot of people use -
0:18:57 > 0:19:01this is serious - is people use one of these laser pens.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Oh, yeah.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05So they go like that, and say, "I want some of those
0:19:05 > 0:19:09and some of those and some of those", and point into the shop.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- And then he does this. - LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:14If you get really good at it...
0:19:14 > 0:19:18I once completely encircled a Cadbury's Flake.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21The other thing, by the way, the other
0:19:21 > 0:19:25recommendation for the laser pen is, you know sometimes you get into bed,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28if you don't have a bedside lamp and you forget to switch the light off?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31You know you can actually use them to switch the light off.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Have you seen this?- No. - I'll show you.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:43APPLAUSE
0:19:46 > 0:19:50You know, that could help me out in life in so many ways.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53If I just carry a laser pointer and a cat with me everywhere,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I could reach lift buttons, door handles. It's amazing.
0:19:56 > 0:20:02I like the sort of... the prison visit feel to it,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05when you're talking through the Perspex.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07But I mean, why not leave the shop open,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10and then put them in the little glass container within the shop?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14At least let me go in there and choose what I want.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Because then you'd run off with stuff and he'd be going...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER
0:20:19 > 0:20:21It's a terrible idea.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29We have CCTV footage of someone trying to get in
0:20:29 > 0:20:33to an all-night garage, and, er, didn't go that well.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39There's the suspicious characters lined up. Here we go.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:44It gets better.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:54There's an interesting inconsistency
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- in your world view, though, Warwick. - Is there? What is it?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Yes, because you don't like e-mail because you think, oh,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02they come at you all the time with the messages,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04what happened to the old-fashioned letter,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07and yet you expect to be able to get a baguette at 3 in the morning.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:08 > 0:21:14OK. Well, so, what doesn't Victoria like about modern life?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Ah, yes. Well, now, it's not necessarily modern.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25This may be an old thing. Fiddly bracelets.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29I mean, any kind of fiddly clasp is annoying
0:21:29 > 0:21:32on any jewellery, clothes, hook and eye things, it's always annoying.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35But there's something about a bracelet that you can't do up
0:21:35 > 0:21:38with one hand. The implication is,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42"Why are you putting on a bracelet by yourself, you sad old spinster?"
0:21:42 > 0:21:45The idea that, well, it's not for one person.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48A bracelet is something to be slipped onto your wrist
0:21:48 > 0:21:51by a moustachioed Turkish count.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I've had the experience, often before poker tournaments in a hotel,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I think, "I'll put a bracelet on",
0:21:56 > 0:21:58because that looks quite nice, you're playing cards,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01people are looking at your hands, and you can't do it up, you...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04imagine the distant laugh of the designer, thinking,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"You weren't supposed to buy that for yourself.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"You're not supposed to put it on alone.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12"Why are you trying to make yourself pretty? No-one's looking. You're going to die alone".
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- LAUGHTER - Wowee.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Yeah, they're heartless, those bracelet designers.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Some, you know, like a watch, you know,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- there's a simple clasp and you put it on. Easy.- Yeah.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26But there's some where there's... you have to press a little thing,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29and then put the chain round the edge of it,
0:22:29 > 0:22:33and it's so difficult, it's like it's trying to make a point.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37With a necklace, you can use both hands. With a bracelet, you can't.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39That's what it's supposed to be...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41somebody else's hands putting it on for you.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Like doing up someone's zip.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45You know when a woman says, "Can you do my zip up for me?"
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I mean, my girlfriend and I have been together many years.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52I still find that exciting, "Can you do my zip up?" It's still brilliant.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I love that. You see the bra strap and everything.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I like that. I think it's romantic.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I think the fact that you feel lucky when you're zipping up
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- your girlfriend's dress, you get a glimpse of bra... - Yes.- I think that's charming.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Well, there is something really romantic, and I suppose, a bit James Bond about it.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Do you remember that one when he uses his magnet...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I think he uses a magnet watch to take her zip down?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:18However,
0:23:18 > 0:23:23there is a method for doing these tricky bracelets.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I don't know if you're aware of it. All you need is a bit of Sellotape.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29So the next time you're on your own in a hotel room, you...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Let me...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36There you go. You just put this on instead.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41This is the sort of difficult bracelet you're on about...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Yes, exactly. - ..with the clasp on one end? Yeah.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48So what you do is you get a bit of Sellotape, thus...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Ooh.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56And then you put it on the chain, very near the loop.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Hold on, I'll be with you in a minute.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04You Sellotape that to your forearm, thus.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Little bit of loop sticking out. Bear with me.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09I say bear with me.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11And then...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:13 > 0:24:17So you stick it on like this, with that loop sticking out,
0:24:17 > 0:24:18like that,
0:24:18 > 0:24:23and then you bring your bracelet round with your clasp.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- It's a very nice bracelet. - Thanks very much.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I'm beginning to loathe it.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Anyway, you get the general idea.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:41I got applause for that.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45That's what I like about this country. They love a loser.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- I actually design jewellery. Did you know this?- I didn't know that.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52As a part-time... This is my own range.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57These are mainly for middle-aged men. So, um...
0:24:57 > 0:25:01so, if you see...you fit them... here you go, beautiful.
0:25:01 > 0:25:07If you can see that, it's a tiny little pair of scissors,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09and then you can do your ear hair.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Just make the chain a bit longer and do nasal hair as well.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19What about these? This is, I think, my greatest achievement.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23These will be commercially available, when I've, er...
0:25:23 > 0:25:24finished negotiation.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28What you do is you put one on each ear.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31You may see that they are small forks.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34"Oh," you think, "it's just some little bit of ornamentation.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"You've used cutlery, an everyday object,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"and turned it into an art form".
0:25:38 > 0:25:40It's a bit more than that, Christian,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43because it's actually a hands-free for corn on the cob.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:48APPLAUSE
0:25:53 > 0:25:54- The chain's a bit long.- Ouch.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57The chain's a bit long at the moment.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59So, there we have you.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Well, I have tremendous sympathy with people who put stuff
0:26:03 > 0:26:06back in the fridge, cos I do it myself.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10I like the excitement of having to tell someone
0:26:10 > 0:26:12what I want from an all-night garage.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16It just feels like I'm in a film, and it's great.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19But they are impossible, those bracelets,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22and why do they need to be so difficult in the modern world?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I'm sure they could be made much, much easier. You're right.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Why should women be a slave to that and need someone else?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32I am going to put fiddly bracelets into Room 101.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Yay! APPLAUSE
0:26:42 > 0:26:44OK, let's have our next category.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51It's the wildcard.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54No restrictions, pick anything that winds you up.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56So, what is Warwick's wildcard?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Special offers.- Ah.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Special offers. I mean, I like a bargain, don't get me wrong.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11You know, does sound tight, but,
0:27:11 > 0:27:15it's when you have to do these buy one get one free.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20- I'd rather it be half price. I don't want two, necessarily.- Mm.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Do you know what I mean? Can I tell you what really annoys me?
0:27:23 > 0:27:28It's an offer of sorts, it's the 20% extra...large crisps.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- Yes.- And the chocolate bars, they're all getting longer, aren't they?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It's given me a complex, I feel smaller.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37You go into a petrol station, when you can get in...
0:27:37 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41And it's all, everything's massive now.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Why do we want so much of it?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46What if, what if you didn't do all your shopping at petrol stations?
0:27:46 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Do you think that the 99p thing makes any difference?
0:27:53 > 0:27:57You know when something is £1.99 instead of two quid,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59that's a normal pricing thing.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01That's aimed at the idea people will think,
0:28:01 > 0:28:06"Oh, I'm not paying two quid for that. Oh, £1.99. That's all right."
0:28:06 > 0:28:10- They clearly still believe that that works.- It does work, though.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- Do you think?- Yeah.- Well, it is actually cheaper, isn't it? So...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15LAUGHTER
0:28:17 > 0:28:18APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I came up with an invention, right?
0:28:23 > 0:28:26It annoys me when I go to a conveyor
0:28:26 > 0:28:29and it's got flour on and crumbs and liquids that you don't know
0:28:29 > 0:28:33what they are and you've got to then put your shopping on it, you see?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35So I thought, why can't this conveyor go underneath
0:28:35 > 0:28:38and there'll be a little, a little man in there...
0:28:38 > 0:28:39LAUGHTER
0:28:40 > 0:28:44..washing it and then it comes back round all nice and clean?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Warwick, you're always looking for work.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47LAUGHTER
0:28:49 > 0:28:53I find that the shopping separator
0:28:53 > 0:28:57is quite a sort of controversial... Sometimes I'll wait...
0:28:57 > 0:29:01to put the one down a bit at the end of my shopping.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04And the person behind will get quite anxious.
0:29:06 > 0:29:07What's the hierarchy there?
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Are you supposed to put it behind your shopping?
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Yes, I think it's always at the back of the shopping
0:29:13 > 0:29:16because they don't know if you're still buying or not.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17You know,
0:29:17 > 0:29:21you might have a walnut whirl from that tray by the side of the till.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24- I just use a baguette across. - LAUGHTER
0:29:26 > 0:29:30OK, what is Victoria's wildcard?
0:29:35 > 0:29:36Ah, yes.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39- They call it pampering.- Mm.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43But I object even to the term because what I mean by that
0:29:43 > 0:29:46is sort of spa treatments and beauty treatments
0:29:46 > 0:29:50that don't do any practical good at all, so they call it pampering
0:29:50 > 0:29:53to trick you into thinking you're enjoying it, which is impossible.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Being sort of tweedled and tweaked and prodded
0:29:57 > 0:30:02and pushed around at enormous expense, wasting time and money,
0:30:02 > 0:30:06to no good purpose, it isn't nice, it isn't fun and yet there seems
0:30:06 > 0:30:11to be a massive world stacked up to trick us into thinking it is fun.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14"If you're on holiday, why wouldn't you go for a massage?"
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Because you can just have a nice lie down
0:30:17 > 0:30:20without having to take your clothes off in front of a stranger
0:30:20 > 0:30:22and be basically tickled and scratched.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25It's supposed to be what makes people most happy,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27is to go and get pampered.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Me and my girlfriend, we had what they call a double massage,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32so you lie on two adjoining things.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35I was really disappointed when two masseurs turned up.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37I was hoping it was going to be...
0:30:37 > 0:30:39you know when grand masters play at chess?
0:30:39 > 0:30:42And they're playing three games at the same time - I thought
0:30:42 > 0:30:45it was going to be like a Rick Wakeman concert.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48No self-respecting British person should be able to relax
0:30:48 > 0:30:51when nude, face down, being touched by a stranger.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53That's not right.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55It is awkward and uncomfortable and it can only be compounded
0:30:55 > 0:30:58by having your partner there at the next table.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Look, if you want to be in a room with your partner, nude, groaning as
0:31:02 > 0:31:05they're manipulated by a stranger, go to an orgy and have done with it.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09I think the idea is that you can talk to each other,
0:31:09 > 0:31:12but of course the thing that I most wanted to talk about was what
0:31:12 > 0:31:14a waste of money the massage was.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17You can't do that, so we ended up doing riddles.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19There's two of us lying there saying,
0:31:19 > 0:31:22"My first is in fish but not in float."
0:31:22 > 0:31:25I mean, it's not what it's supposed to be about.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28It's awkward, I know what you mean.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30You feel uptight and it's supposed to be relaxing
0:31:30 > 0:31:32and you don't know what noises to make.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36Do you show, "Ah..." Do you do that?
0:31:36 > 0:31:39So they think, "We're doing a good job" or not? I don't know,
0:31:39 > 0:31:41it could come across the wrong way if you're not careful.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45Are you familiar with the thera-cane?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47- No.- No, I thought not.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Maybe this will change your mind, Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:31:50 > 0:31:51What about this?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53This is a massage cane.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56And it's called the thera-cane and I'll show you some of the...
0:31:56 > 0:31:58this is how you're supposed to use it.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00I think you'll be impressed.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02There you go. So, there's the...
0:32:02 > 0:32:06Which way do I look out? Yes, that way. So it comes round here.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Yes, you see like that?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12And then, you see I'm massaging that part of my neck,
0:32:12 > 0:32:15which you'll agree is quite hard to reach.
0:32:15 > 0:32:16LAUGHTER
0:32:19 > 0:32:20That feels really good,
0:32:20 > 0:32:24and there's another exercise to the neck, which is also very good, if...
0:32:26 > 0:32:28That, um, ooh...
0:32:29 > 0:32:30That's, er....
0:32:32 > 0:32:33I mean, you could do that.
0:32:33 > 0:32:34LAUGHTER
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- Or you could not do that.- Yeah.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41What else have we got?
0:32:41 > 0:32:45We've got the long reach brush and comb. Seen one of those?
0:32:45 > 0:32:50See? She can reach right way up on her head.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55You know when you're combing your hair and you think,
0:32:55 > 0:32:58"Oh, blimey, I don't think I can..."
0:32:58 > 0:33:01My hair's receding a bit, so it takes some reaching.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06So I think, I think you have to let yourself go a bit.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08I feel you're being a bit conservative about it.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10It's worth trying these crazy things.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Are you from the spa marketing board?
0:33:13 > 0:33:14I have to let myself go? Why?
0:33:14 > 0:33:17In order to burn a load of money doing this stuff?
0:33:17 > 0:33:20Well, have you ever seen that one where you get completely relaxed
0:33:20 > 0:33:22and they sort of clean your teeth
0:33:22 > 0:33:25and give you a sort of dental cleanse thing?
0:33:25 > 0:33:27- That's not a thing.- It is.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30I thought it was brilliant until I found out how they did it.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33LAUGHTER
0:33:42 > 0:33:43I think that's fine,
0:33:43 > 0:33:46cos sometimes you get a stubborn piece of meat stuck in there,
0:33:46 > 0:33:50- been there for days. I can tell Christian is thinking... - I think that's sweet.
0:33:50 > 0:33:51LAUGHTER
0:33:51 > 0:33:56OK, well, what is Christian's wildcard?
0:34:02 > 0:34:05This is, quite simply,
0:34:05 > 0:34:06German pop music.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11- That's quite a specialist choice. - It is quite niche, it's quite niche,
0:34:11 > 0:34:15it's quite specialist. It's also blooming awful, let's face it.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17And there's sort of two parts to this, really.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20First of all, there's just German pop music in general,
0:34:20 > 0:34:23but then there's music sung in German.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27Now, can I just put in a... "Why, some of my best friends are German"?
0:34:27 > 0:34:28My father's German,
0:34:28 > 0:34:31so I'm allowed to be as rude as I like about the Germans.
0:34:31 > 0:34:32That makes me half German.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35The other thing about German pop music is it's sung by
0:34:35 > 0:34:38what mainly look like, sort of middle-aged men
0:34:38 > 0:34:40having a massive midlife crisis.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44It's sort of like your dad donning a leather jacket and doing karaoke.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47- That's how a lot of the singers look.- Yeah, but I love that.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49That's what I like about it.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53There's almost no room now in British pop music for ugly people,
0:34:53 > 0:34:56but in Germany they are embraced.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02- What about that more traditional, the sort of...- The oompah bands?
0:35:02 > 0:35:04- Yeah.- God, don't. Don't.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06The cheery swaying of the beer mug to the oompah band.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08I love those beer mugs.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11It looks like they're drinking out of pedal bins.
0:35:13 > 0:35:14I think that it's just about fun.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17The whole Euro-pop thing, I think
0:35:17 > 0:35:19we probably take music a bit seriously in this country.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23I just think you're frightened to enjoy this wonderful music,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26and there's a lot of that about. This is an example.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29You know, it's really fun, silly music,
0:35:29 > 0:35:32and some people just don't want to be seen to be enjoying themselves.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34# Ik weet ook niet hoe het komt
0:35:34 > 0:35:36# Maar het komt vast door oew kont
0:35:36 > 0:35:38# Draai dat ding maar in het rond
0:35:38 > 0:35:41# Ik wil vanavond, bam, bam, bam
0:35:41 > 0:35:43# Draai om door oew knieen Naar de grond
0:35:43 > 0:35:46# Gij het vuurtje ik de lont... # LAUGHTER
0:35:48 > 0:35:50The singer is called,
0:35:50 > 0:35:54and I'm not making this up, he's called Snollebollekes.
0:35:54 > 0:35:55LAUGHTER
0:35:57 > 0:35:59What's that man embarrassed about?
0:35:59 > 0:36:01He was clearly having a fabulous time.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Maybe he was caught on camera,
0:36:03 > 0:36:05but he told his wife he was at a conference in Coventry.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07LAUGHTER
0:36:07 > 0:36:11A man lied to his wife in order to go to that gig?
0:36:11 > 0:36:16- It would explain the embarrassment, wouldn't it?- Exactly.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Anyway, we come,
0:36:18 > 0:36:22we come to the end of that round and, well,
0:36:22 > 0:36:25- I am not going to put German pop music in.- Oh, come on.
0:36:25 > 0:36:30- I think you've got to just embrace the strangeness of it.- Oh.
0:36:30 > 0:36:35Warwick, I know what you mean about buying stuff that you don't need,
0:36:35 > 0:36:38but it just feels a bit wrong to stop...
0:36:38 > 0:36:42People at home will be thinking, "But we need those offers."
0:36:42 > 0:36:46So I don't think I can put that in, although you argue it well,
0:36:46 > 0:36:51but pampering, I am fed up of the idea that it's brilliant to lie
0:36:51 > 0:36:53and have...
0:36:53 > 0:36:56goose...urine...
0:36:56 > 0:36:58rubbed over you.
0:36:58 > 0:37:03So I am going to put pampering into Room 101!
0:37:03 > 0:37:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:15 > 0:37:17And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Well done, Victoria, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,
0:37:20 > 0:37:23- so you are this week's winner. - Thank you very much.
0:37:23 > 0:37:24APPLAUSE
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Thanks very much, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Warwick Davies
0:37:30 > 0:37:33and Dr Christian Jessen, and thank you, goodnight.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36APPLAUSE