0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears
0:00:40 > 0:00:43banished forever to the notorious vault.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories
0:00:46 > 0:00:48and in each round, only one item can be chosen.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50The final decision is mine.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Joining me tonight are Radio 1 DJ Jameela Jamil,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56TV presenter Adrian Chiles
0:00:56 > 0:00:58and showbiz legend Des O'Connor.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:10OK, let's have our first category.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17It's Modern Life.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20OK, what doesn't Adrian like about modern life?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28People who recline the seat.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30KNOWING GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:35This is me.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37This is the person in front.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38JAMEELA: Me.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41LAUGHTER
0:01:41 > 0:01:42I can understand...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I can understand, if it was her sitting behind,
0:01:45 > 0:01:46I wouldn't mind.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Is Des O'Connor hitting on me?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:56It's all right, I'm between the two of you.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I can ensure fair play.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I need 48 hours' notice.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:04APPLAUSE
0:02:07 > 0:02:09You're all right, Des, there's a chemist just down the road.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Look, I'll put him back up.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17That's me, you're settling down, two, three-hour flight,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and the person in front of you, without checking you're all right,
0:02:20 > 0:02:21whether you've got a drink in your hand,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23trying to do something on a laptop,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25or you've got a newspaper open,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27or you're trying to eat or drink something,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29just goes "whoomph", straight there.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30- It ruins your flight.- Hm.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's the height of selfishness.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I would make an exception if the said man,
0:02:35 > 0:02:39if he just checked, if he just did a little bit of...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- LAUGHTER - Like I do, go, "Do you mind, mate?
0:02:42 > 0:02:43"I need to..."
0:02:43 > 0:02:45At least he's asked.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48You say that thing about looking round and asking,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I have never known anyone to ask permission.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Yeah.- Well, it's only me.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53I'm the only one who does it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I've been refused permission. They go, "No, don't do that."
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Adrian, you want to worry when the little kid in front of you
0:02:58 > 0:03:00on a long flight goes, "Hello."
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:04And you stupidly go, "Hello."
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Then you're hooked for whatever the rest of the flight is.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Or the kids who kick the back of your chair...
0:03:09 > 0:03:10- Yes.- Oh.- ..for the whole of the journey.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13You hate that until you have kids yourself
0:03:13 > 0:03:16and realise there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Frank, I have taken direct action on this in the past.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21If somebody's really just gone all the way back,
0:03:21 > 0:03:22particularly somebody tall,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25you're actually looking at the top of their head for the whole flight.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27So, when they do eventually come up,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30they just get a glass of red wine to the lips,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32and then just a little tap behind...
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Really?- ..just to punish them. A little bit of spillage...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- LAUGHTER - I go...
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Do you spit on...? - I've only ever had one fight.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- I was... Not a fight, exactly. - Oh, you've only had one fight.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Well, that's not so bad.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47One of the things I don't understand
0:03:47 > 0:03:50is that there isn't actually much tilt on a seat.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52It's like people get on and think,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"Well, I can't possibly relax like this.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55"Oh, that's much better".
0:03:55 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Well, that's another thing,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00it doesn't make any difference anyway.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02No, it's rubbish.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Mind you, this is a man, can I say,
0:04:04 > 0:04:09Adrian Chiles once reprimanded me for laughing on an aeroplane.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I was watching a film and he came down and started...
0:04:11 > 0:04:12I said, "What is it?" and he said,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"Do you know you're laughing out loud?"
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I said, "It's a comedy film".
0:04:17 > 0:04:19No, no, but it was a real belly laugh.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21There's a kind of comedian
0:04:21 > 0:04:23who doesn't laugh at other comics' jokes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Frank, bless him, is not like that. He roars with laughter.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I remember the film, it was Pineapple Express,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29and I've always wondered if...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Was it Pineapple Express? Is that right?
0:04:31 > 0:04:32- No, it was Titanic.- Was it?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Here's a story.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40There's a man called Les Price
0:04:40 > 0:04:42and he was flying on an airline,
0:04:42 > 0:04:46and they told him that anyone over 20st
0:04:46 > 0:04:48has got to buy two seats.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50That was the rule.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52So, Les said, erm...
0:04:52 > 0:04:55We've got a picture of Les, by the way.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I don't know if the photographer told him what was on that mug...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Anyway, that's Les.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03It says, "When I got to the airport
0:05:03 > 0:05:07"I had to explain to all the staff why I had two tickets.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08"They didn't have a clue.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"When I finally got on the plane,
0:05:10 > 0:05:11"one seat was an aisle seat
0:05:11 > 0:05:13"and the other was by the window."
0:05:13 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:18 > 0:05:20So, you don't sit next to Les Price,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22you sit amongst him.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Frank, there's a gadget you can get, a little plastic thing,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I read about it in the States, and you take it on to the plane,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33if you object to people reclining the seat.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35It's a bit of plastic that fits between there and there,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38so when they try and recline, it won't move at all.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40But there's been air rage, fights,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42people whacking each other with the thing,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44so they're trying to ban them. I think they're a brilliant idea.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's funny you should say that...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- Oh, no, you haven't? - ..because I've got one.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Of course, in order to demonstrate it,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52what I really need is a few aircraft seats.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Here they come.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56THEME MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:58 > 0:05:59APPLAUSE
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Right, so,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07let's say you're the offender.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Do you want to sit in this seat?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10And I'll be the poor innocent.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And I've got... I'll show them how this works.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- All right.- So, if you want to put your seat back,
0:06:16 > 0:06:17to start off with.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Can I just try that thing when I check if it's all right?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21- OK.- I go...
0:06:24 > 0:06:25"Do you mind if I put my...?"
0:06:25 > 0:06:28You're that Adrian Chiles off the telly.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"So, how's West Brom doing this season?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Eh? Eh?"
0:06:36 > 0:06:37"They're doing well, ain't they? Eh?"
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"It's only nine hours, this flight.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40"Looking forward to it."
0:06:40 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:43 > 0:06:45We'll try first of all, just to make sure,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- can you put your seat back? - Certainly.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52These are the... These are the actual clips you speak about.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Yeah.- If you go forward now, I'll show you.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57These are... These genuinely work.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59So, first you have to pull the table down,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02and then they clip on these bits here.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Simple as that. Now try and go back.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Well, I don't... OK.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Oh, yeah. They're good, aren't they?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12- Yeah.- They're all right.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I have one method which I prefer over all these,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19which I have used on a few occasions,
0:07:19 > 0:07:20and that's this.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER
0:07:23 > 0:07:25APPLAUSE
0:07:28 > 0:07:30THEME MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Frank, where do you get those brown coats from?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Are those from the set of Morecambe and Wise?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Nobody wears them in real life. It's only on TV programmes.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Don't mention Morecambe and Wise in front of Des.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- They were.- Oh...
0:07:51 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:54They were very cruel to him.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I once told Eric,
0:07:56 > 0:07:57"I've just done a one-man show."
0:07:57 > 0:07:59He said, "Let's hope two turn up next time."
0:07:59 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:06OK, so what doesn't Des like about modern life?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I don't understand horoscopes.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I don't know why people do it, why distinguished people,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20clever people, intelligent people,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23run their lives by horoscopes.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24One of the things that fascinates me,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27which might prove there is something in it,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31is every racehorse has a birthday on January 1st,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33and they are a bit samey.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:38No, every racehorse is a Capricorn.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Jesus was a Capricorn.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:43So, Jesus and all racehorses.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46That explains them being born in a stable thing, doesn't it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Now, this is interesting,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55so we can judge whether someone is any good or not,
0:08:55 > 0:09:00I have a list of Mystic Meg's predictions for 2006
0:09:00 > 0:09:02and it's quite... You'd be surprised,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05she's got, you know, not a terrible hit rate.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Let me just get... This is the first one for 2006.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Did that ever happen? - It didn't happen, Des.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Did you think you might have missed it?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I might have nodded off or fallen over.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I know you've been busy, but come on.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27This is the most outrageous.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I mean, she's gone too far with this one.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42We have a clip now... Now this is...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46If you believe in stuff,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I want to believe in this.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52This is a man speaking to Patrick Moore, the astronomer,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54and this man honestly claims
0:09:54 > 0:09:57that he can speak Venusian.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00HE SPEAKS "VENUSIAN"
0:10:08 > 0:10:09What does that mean, actually?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12That means, "How are all you?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14"I am very pleased to see you..
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"..this afternoon."
0:10:17 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:19 > 0:10:20What do you think?
0:10:20 > 0:10:21I think he's nuts.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Well, it's easy to scoff at these people.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27What if we found out that in fact he could speak Venusian?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30The first thing he would say is, "Where's the dentist?"
0:10:30 > 0:10:31wouldn't he?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- Why?- He's got no teeth!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:38APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:42When it comes to astrology, it's so ridiculous.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46For example, I have the same birthday as George Harrison,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49and I just feel like there are zero parallels
0:10:49 > 0:10:50that have been going on in our lives.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52He would have worn that top.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- I would like to think so.- Yeah.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Russell Grant did my star chart once
0:11:00 > 0:11:03and he said that my career would last seven years,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07and I would never hold down a long-term relationship.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08And?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12And we didn't. We only lasted about two years, me and him.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14LAUGHTER
0:11:14 > 0:11:16APPLAUSE
0:11:18 > 0:11:21OK, what doesn't Jameela like about modern life?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Mine is bad break-up etiquette.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Is there a good way to break-up?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Yeah, but first let me tell you the bad way to break-up...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- OK.- ..which is purely on, like, the mobile phone or e-mail.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I've often wondered about this.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I don't see why it's better to do it face-to-face.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45No, I agree with you.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I believe in a preliminary textual break-up.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I think it should be done always in two rounds.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52So, round one, you let them know.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55So when I'm doing it, I text someone, just going,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57"We need to talk, dot-dot-dot, no kiss."
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- Yes.- And then you know... You know something...
0:11:59 > 0:12:01That's awful. That's torture.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03No, but it's not torture because it gives you time.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05If a man sends me that, I've got time.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06I need 24 hours.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I've got to sort out my situation.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10You've got to make sure that you've got a great dress.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13You've got to look amazing. 24 hours without carbs.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You've got to let all the puff from all the crying,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18like, settle down, and then you have to arrange for Ryan Gosling
0:12:18 > 0:12:23to be outside, to propose to you on the spot as soon as you leave.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Do you have a set method for finishing with someone?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28It's always, "We need to talk, dot-dot-dot, no kiss."
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- Always?- Always. That's my standard,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32so that they've got time to prepare themselves.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Maybe they'll even win me back, cos they'll come,
0:12:35 > 0:12:36you know, ready and prepared.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39It's interesting, the whole texting thing, cos like Des, you know,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42when I first started going out with people, there was no texting.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I was once dumped by carrier pigeon.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I could tell there was something wrong from the flight path.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I dumped someone by text
0:12:54 > 0:12:56when text was still in its infancy.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I dumped someone on this phone...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02And what I thought would be clever
0:13:02 > 0:13:06was to dump them in the style of a game show host.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Yes, it seemed a good idea at the time.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:12I'm going to change her name.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14And it says,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18"Unfortunately we're going to have to say goodbye to Julie...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"..but she doesn't leave empty-handed".
0:13:22 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:28And then I list the various things that I bought her during the...
0:13:28 > 0:13:31LAUGHTER AND GASPS
0:13:31 > 0:13:34During the relationship.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I won't list them now, but I thought it was...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I don't feel like a bad person any more.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40LAUGHTER
0:13:41 > 0:13:44There is also another way online to be dumped,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46which I think is amazing,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48where you can pay a celebrity to dump
0:13:48 > 0:13:50someone for you on a video message.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Really?- I thought you'd be more shocked, really. I expected...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- I'm taking it in.- Des is thinking,
0:13:56 > 0:13:57"There might be some money in this".
0:13:57 > 0:14:00LAUGHTER
0:14:00 > 0:14:03OK, we've come to the end of this round.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07I don't know if there's such a thing as good break-up etiquette.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I think you're going to hurt someone however you do it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12You're kind of stuck with it, and people do it to make them
0:14:12 > 0:14:14feel better, rather than the other person.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Being dumped is just pretty bad, generally.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Horoscopes, I still like to believe, Des,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21there might be a little something in there,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24at least for the racehorses,
0:14:24 > 0:14:25if nothing else.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29But those people who tilt their plane seats back,
0:14:29 > 0:14:30don't even ask, and you have to...
0:14:30 > 0:14:34The whole thing with their product in your face,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36it's just not acceptable.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I am going to put people who tilt back their plane seats
0:14:38 > 0:14:40into Room 101.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Yes!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Next category, please.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02It's Friends and Family.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Hoo! OK.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Let's see what Adrian doesn't like about his friends and family.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I can't bear it when people come round to my house
0:15:18 > 0:15:23or wherever I might cook for them and they don't eat what I've cooked.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27I don't so much mean fussy eaters, cos I will have taken the trouble
0:15:27 > 0:15:29to find out what they do and don't want.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33But somebody who comes and just pushes little bits
0:15:33 > 0:15:36to the side of the plate and just leaves it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I can't bear it. It ruins the night for me.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Maybe you make disgusting food. - No, I don't. Do I, Frank?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I wouldn't call it disgusting exactly...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:50The anger, when I find it most overwhelming,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53was one night I cooked in a... I cooked in a restaurant.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54It was for a TV thing I did,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56and anyone who's cooked in a restaurant will know,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59you can be a competent home cook, but the difference between
0:15:59 > 0:16:02that and cooking in a restaurant - two wholly different things.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Anyway, I plated up my dishes.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07My mum's Croatian, so it was a Croatian-type thing.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And then, fantastically, some orders came in
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and then it went out the door
0:16:12 > 0:16:16and I was so excited and then half an hour later,
0:16:16 > 0:16:20the waiters came back and there was... Some of it was clean plates.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Others had just kind of left it.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I became livid. In fact, I stopped cooking.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29There was a little port hole looking out onto the diners
0:16:29 > 0:16:32and I was just looking round...
0:16:32 > 0:16:33I couldn't stand the thought
0:16:33 > 0:16:35that they didn't like what I'd cooked for them.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37In fact, one of the diners that night,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40who was pushing my food down the plate, was Wayne Sleep
0:16:40 > 0:16:43and it was all I could do to stop myself
0:16:43 > 0:16:45just bowling out and just shaking him.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48He's only about this big.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I know. It wouldn't have been a good look, would it?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Beating up Wayne Sleep cos he didn't eat my...- No.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56He'd have been fighting you off with a fork like this.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01It's come down a generation, cos my mum's from the former Yugoslavia
0:17:01 > 0:17:04and can't bear to see food wasted.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I'll get the train up to Manchester to work often
0:17:07 > 0:17:10and in the morning, you get a free sausage bap.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13And a bloke came along to me and he had a big platter of them.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16He said, "Do you want sausage or bacon?" I went, "Dunno."
0:17:16 > 0:17:17He said, "Have both."
0:17:17 > 0:17:20So I had a sausage bap and a bacon bap.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Had all those. I'd already had breakfast before, by the way.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27He came back later. He was a Scouser, this bloke.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Again, huge platter, big pile of baps.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34And he said..."I'm about to bin these. Do you want any more?"
0:17:34 > 0:17:35And he might as well have said,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37he might as well have been holding a kitten,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39saying "Nobody wants this kitten.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42"I'm going to flush it down the toilet." It felt the same.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- I had four more, Frank. - LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I swear to God, I had four more.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52I had six huge... Six huge baps.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56My day was in tatters by the time I got to Milton Keynes.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Flatulent... Bloated...
0:18:00 > 0:18:01- Awful.- Yes.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I should say that Adrian and I once went to, erm, I think
0:18:04 > 0:18:06it was Leicester City - West Brom,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and on the way, on the motorway, we went to KFC.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13And we had a three-piece dinner each. With coleslaw!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Yeah. And then we went to the match. I think we might have even won.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21And on the way back, Adrian said, "Are you hungry?"
0:18:21 > 0:18:22And I said, "Yeah, I'm quite hungry."
0:18:22 > 0:18:25So we stopped at the same KFC and had the same again.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I can honestly say I've never felt closer to the Colonel.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37OK, what doesn't Jameela like about her friends and family?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I don't like bad flatmates.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It's always a tricky one, especially when you move in with strangers,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50which I think is a really bad idea,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52cos you don't know if they're going to murder you in your sleep.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You have no idea who you're moving in with.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59But I feel like moving in with mates can completely change
0:18:59 > 0:19:03and destroy a friendship as has happened to me on several occasions.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- So have you had some bad flatmates? - Yeah.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08God, I've had some awful flatmates!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Erm, and there's a long list of things you can do
0:19:11 > 0:19:14to make someone hate you when you're living with them.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17One of the really bad ones is I had a flatmate who used to urinate in,
0:19:17 > 0:19:21erm... in, like, water bottles.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23And just leave them round the house. GROANING
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- Why?- Cos if there was someone else in the bathroom,
0:19:26 > 0:19:27when you've got to go, you've got to go.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And then I find messy flatmates really awful and disgusting.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34The point at which I had to leave my last flat was the point
0:19:34 > 0:19:37when it started to look like an episode of Breaking Bad.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Erm, note leavers.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I hate note leavers.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47We had one woman who wouldn't let us leave the kitchen open
0:19:47 > 0:19:50when we were cooking because she claimed that her clothes -
0:19:50 > 0:19:53three floors up! - would smell of the food. Even toast!
0:19:54 > 0:19:59I've got some notes, some actual examples of notes.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02This is a sort of "Do the washing up" note.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:10That's quite clever.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I had someone once write a note - when people leave notes
0:20:13 > 0:20:17on their food in the fridge - and she once wrote, erm, "Don't eat this.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18"I've spat in it."
0:20:18 > 0:20:20So I just wrote underneath it, "So have I."
0:20:20 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:26But this note, I think this, as flatmates go, is a work of art.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30GROANING
0:20:30 > 0:20:33That's "I unclogged the drain" done in human hair.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37There's a very good method
0:20:37 > 0:20:40for stopping people eating your food, flatmates.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43If you get, say, a nice sandwich like this in the fridge
0:20:43 > 0:20:45that you're looking forward to when you get back,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49you take one of these sandwich bags and put it in.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Oh, that's amazing!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56And it looks like a mouldy sandwich. What a fantastic idea.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57That's incredible.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02OK, what doesn't Des O'Connor like about friends and family?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Birthday cards.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I just... I think kids should get birthday cards,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16but I don't think we adults need birthday cards.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20I hate the ones with the little badge on which says how old you are.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:24How old do they go, Des? Those badges?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26High enough!
0:21:26 > 0:21:27There's too many cards.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Don't get me wrong, I like silly cards and fun cards,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33but I just think... For instance, some women complain
0:21:33 > 0:21:36because their husband forgets the anniversary.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41There's one way you can stop that - marry him on his birthday.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Then they will never forget.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- My dad actually did that. - Really?- Yeah.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Married someone on their birthday?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Yeah. My mum.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Do you buy birthday presents?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Yeah.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- OK. - LAUGHTER
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Me and my girlfriend, we don't.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01We came to an agreement
0:22:01 > 0:22:04that we wouldn't buy birthday or Christmas presents.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And my argument was I said to her, "The thing is,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09"if I ever see anything I want to buy you,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- "I don't need a special day." - That's what I'm saying.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Do you know, I've never bought her a present from that day.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- LAUGHTER - It's true!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22My brother used to sometimes on Christmas or on birthday morning,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24would come through and be like, "Can I borrow 20 quid?"
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I'd give him 20 quid and he'd give it back to me
0:22:26 > 0:22:29in a card later for my birthday.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30My mum's taken...
0:22:30 > 0:22:34It's a sign of old age on my part, she's taken to buying me
0:22:34 > 0:22:37the most, on the face of it, boring presents.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40She bought me - no word of a lie, the birthday before last -
0:22:40 > 0:22:42a ball of string.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- I can honestly say... - Does she think you're a cat?
0:22:45 > 0:22:46No, I was delighted!
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I thought, you know, I haven't got a ball of string!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52No, really, it came on a little dispenser thing,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55so you, like, pull it off. Beautiful.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I have to say, I like practical presents.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02People moan about socks and pants - I like socks, pants, diesel...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:07You must be hard to buy for, though, Des.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I think you're the man who has everything.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Yeah, I'm OK. I'm a happy boy.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14And like Adrian said, I can't get uptight about things.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15I think people worry too much about things.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Don't worry about someone tipping their seat up.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Don't worry if someone doesn't eat the food.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Don't worry if you don't like
0:23:21 > 0:23:23your...person that's living with you.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25So if your partner didn't get you a birthday card
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- for your next birthday...?- I'd be happy.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Really?- I couldn't care less!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31What is a piece of cardboard? What's that?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32That's not love. That's not affection.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35That's not really caring, is it?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37APPLAUSE
0:23:37 > 0:23:41This show is turning into Life Lessons From Des O'Connor.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46OK. So we come to, erm, my decision.
0:23:46 > 0:23:52Flatmates...can be very difficult to live with.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I think you see what human beings can be
0:23:56 > 0:23:58when you live with them like that.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59I think people not eating your food,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02there could be many, many reasons for that.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05They could have just had five bacon baps on the train...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:12And birthdays, I can see how they might get boring after a while...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Yes.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16But I think people do like the opportunity just to say
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"I love you," even if it's with a card.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Otherwise, they tend to not say anything at all.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- I think I am going to put bad flatmates into Room 101.- Yes!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28APPLAUSE
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Next category, please.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42It's the Wildcard round.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45The gloves are off. You can choose anything at all that you like,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47or, indeed, don't like.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50So, what is Jameela's wildcard?
0:24:56 > 0:24:57It's loud eaters.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02APPLAUSE Yeah. Yeah, you know.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04They know.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06It's the, like,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08the mouth open, the...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09SHE CHOMPS
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Yeah, hm.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13You know, those people where it sounds like
0:25:13 > 0:25:16there's just sort of like a wave of just
0:25:16 > 0:25:19half-masticated cow rolling around,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23like a washing machine, and you can see it when they're eating it,
0:25:23 > 0:25:24and bits of it, like, splash out,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27either into your food or onto your face.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29AUDIENCE GROANS I physically, like, recoil.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I can't be in a room with that sound.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I would dump someone, the love of my life,
0:25:34 > 0:25:35over that.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37That's how bad it is.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Would you be aware of this in yourself, if you were a loud chewer?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yeah, and I'm always really forthright
0:25:41 > 0:25:44with telling people that they can tell me if I'm making any noises,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46because it's another phobia of mine,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48that I would be loud.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Have you ever had a sloppy kisser?
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Oh, yeah. Oh!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Oh, God, that's the worst.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56- Hm.- Sloppy or noisy?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- Oh, sloppy AND noisy. - Well, it's both.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Just the worst, you know,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03where you need, like, a towel afterwards.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Yes. Yes, well, I went out with...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- That's horrendous. - I went out with one woman,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10she was lovely but she was saliva-heavy.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:15When she came in for the kiss, I used to put one of these on.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:20APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:22AIR WHIRS INTO THE MACHINE
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Was she trying to run away from you?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Well, she was slipping away from me.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:34It's like trying to hold on to a large fish.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37There's a fabulous clip.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40This is... Two virgins married....
0:26:40 > 0:26:43It sounds like the beginning of one of Des's jokes.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Two virgins married, but they hadn't even kissed before.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50They'd completely had no...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Apart from holding hands, that was it.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55And they did their first ever kiss on film,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and this is...
0:26:57 > 0:27:00The virgins have their first kiss.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02APPLAUSE
0:27:02 > 0:27:03GENTLE MUSIC FLOWS
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I was just waiting and then all of a sudden,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"You may kiss the bride", and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, it's time.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16"You've got to get ready and I've got to do this".
0:27:16 > 0:27:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:30She had no tongue at the end of it.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:33That's assault.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37I know, it's one of the most horrible kisses I've ever seen.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40You know what? It's also awful if they're, like, completely,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42like, dry in the mouth as well,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45so then it feels like you're just... Like their tongue is...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Everything is like the Sahara Desert in there,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49and then it feels like you're just being poked
0:27:49 > 0:27:50with a bit of, like, raw broccoli.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52LAUGHTER
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Can we ask you,
0:27:55 > 0:27:57do you kiss a lot of cats?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Now, here's an interesting theory.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05If you sit next to someone every day at breakfast, for example,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08and say you are annoyed by the noise they make,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11there's an argument that the problem is your left ear.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14If you're hearing it from your left-hand side,
0:28:14 > 0:28:18because your left ear feeds information to the right side
0:28:18 > 0:28:22of your brain, and the right side of your brain is where emotion dwells.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24But I've found a way around this.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26So, if your lover sits to the left of you
0:28:26 > 0:28:29and you're getting emotional about their eating,
0:28:29 > 0:28:34this is a guy called Dominic Wilcox, invented this,
0:28:34 > 0:28:36the Reverse Listening Device.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37LAUGHTER
0:28:37 > 0:28:39And, erm...
0:28:39 > 0:28:41I can actually hear now through my left ear
0:28:41 > 0:28:43what's happening on my right-hand side.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44How do you know?
0:28:44 > 0:28:47- What? - LAUGHTER
0:28:47 > 0:28:48So, no... Hang on. So...
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Do you want to try it on?
0:28:49 > 0:28:50But, like, if I'm doing this...
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS - I can hear that in my left ear.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54- Really?- Honestly, I swear.- Amazing.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Do you want to try it on?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Yeah, no, go on. Give it here.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Careful with it, because it's a one-off.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Let me... Shall I place it?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Oh, it's like winning Miss World...
0:29:03 > 0:29:05on Saturn.
0:29:05 > 0:29:06LAUGHTER
0:29:06 > 0:29:09All right, I'm going to click it over here, ready?
0:29:09 > 0:29:11HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS
0:29:11 > 0:29:12Oh, that's amazing!
0:29:12 > 0:29:14It's one of the best things that's ever...
0:29:14 > 0:29:16I'm keeping this. This is mine.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18- LAUGHTER - OK.
0:29:21 > 0:29:22APPLAUSE
0:29:22 > 0:29:24- Boo!- Argh!
0:29:24 > 0:29:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Surely you should have jumped that way?
0:29:30 > 0:29:32It was his face, no offence.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34You've got a lovely face.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36OK, I'll come and get it.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Unfortunately, it's in the Aston Villa colours.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42You can't have everything.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47OK, what is Adrian's wildcard?
0:29:55 > 0:29:59It's women's shoes where you can see the toes,
0:29:59 > 0:30:03and the toes stray beyond the end of the shoe.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05LAUGHTER
0:30:05 > 0:30:10Literally, I can see that coming 100 yards away.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13I mean, you've got to justify why you feel like this.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14I don't know.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17I can't bear to... I can't look at it.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19I find it... I just find it awful.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21I feel like... It's like I want to file them off.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23LAUGHTER
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Do you know, I went to some award ceremony,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27it was the Pride of Britain Awards a couple of years ago,
0:30:27 > 0:30:29and I was actually sitting on Piers Morgan's table,
0:30:29 > 0:30:32and he said, "Come here. You, sit down".
0:30:32 > 0:30:35So, I sat down next to Elle Macpherson.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37I didn't know what to talk to her about.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Anyway, we had quite a nice conversation.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41I thought, "Getting on rather well, who knows?"
0:30:41 > 0:30:43And then she got up...
0:30:43 > 0:30:44She got up to give an award,
0:30:44 > 0:30:49and as she unravelled her 18-foot-long legs,
0:30:49 > 0:30:52pulled them out, and she had high heels on.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55It wasn't actually dissimilar to that.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58There was that much toe-age coming off the end.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Well, sometimes really tall women can't get their feet in shoes!
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Well, you've got to get bigger shoes, then.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06There aren't bigger shoes. I don't want to have to go
0:31:06 > 0:31:08to Long Tall Sally to get my shoes!
0:31:08 > 0:31:09LAUGHTER
0:31:09 > 0:31:13Shoes worry me. I worry about the pressure in your toes there.
0:31:13 > 0:31:14They must be all scrunched up.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17I just want to see you in trainers or something.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20I like the fact that women wear really uncomfortable shoes.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22That shows a sort of courage.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25You know, when you get like a plaster on the heel
0:31:25 > 0:31:28and then some of the toes look like pigs in a blanket...
0:31:28 > 0:31:30LAUGHTER
0:31:30 > 0:31:32..but they still put colourful nail varnish on.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35It's like a wounded soldier in his dress uniform.
0:31:35 > 0:31:36LAUGHTER
0:31:36 > 0:31:38I think it's lovely.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Oh, the battered feet of a ballerina!
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Have you seen men's feet?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Yeah, that's a fair point.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48I mean, you have to cover that up.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50But do yours stray? Would yours stray?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- Yes.- Does it make you uncomfortable?
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Oh, my God, it's like they're trying to find Neverland.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58It's awful, but I can't help it because I'm a size eight.
0:31:58 > 0:31:59Eight is not that big.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01That Kate Winslet is a nine.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03- No, she's not.- She is. - She's a seven.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- No, she's a nine. - Selina Scott's a ten.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08What does she wear? Actual canoes?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10LAUGHTER
0:32:10 > 0:32:12I like this, it's like women's feet Top Trumps.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14LAUGHTER
0:32:15 > 0:32:18What about this? This is Julianne Moore
0:32:18 > 0:32:21and she looks lovely, I think you'll agree...
0:32:21 > 0:32:23- Yeah.- ..glamorous at a big red carpet do.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25But let's close in on the feet.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Oh, no!
0:32:27 > 0:32:29LAUGHTER
0:32:31 > 0:32:34- Are you serious?!- That is quite unacceptable, to be fair.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Oh, God, I'll have nightmares about them.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Her feet seem to be paddling.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41LAUGHTER
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Oh, God.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46They're just the wrong size, aren't they?
0:32:46 > 0:32:49So, you're not with Adrian on this, Des?
0:32:49 > 0:32:51No, no, feet never bothered me that much.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54It wasn't the first thing I'd look for, I must be honest.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55LAUGHTER
0:32:55 > 0:32:57It used to be the first thing I'd look for,
0:32:57 > 0:32:59but I was usually on the floor drunk at the time.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02This is a woman, now...
0:33:02 > 0:33:03Now, this is what I...
0:33:03 > 0:33:06I admire women who will wear shoes
0:33:06 > 0:33:07that just look impossible
0:33:07 > 0:33:09and they battle on.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Look at this brave catwalk model.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:24 > 0:33:26AUDIENCE GASPS
0:33:27 > 0:33:29LAUGHTER
0:33:32 > 0:33:34But fair... Fair play.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42"Don't worry, officer, I'll see she gets home all right."
0:33:42 > 0:33:46But fair play to her, she battled on remarkably.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50Is it fair to say that high heels are a sort of...
0:33:51 > 0:33:55They're sort of fat leg converters?
0:33:55 > 0:33:57- Yeah.- They can make fat legs look all slim and...
0:33:57 > 0:33:59It just lengthens you, doesn't it?
0:33:59 > 0:34:00Yeah.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02It's wonderful.
0:34:02 > 0:34:03Respect.
0:34:03 > 0:34:04LAUGHTER
0:34:04 > 0:34:07OK, what's Des's wildcard?
0:34:13 > 0:34:14Pantomimes.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16LAUGHTER
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Just tell the kids a little bit
0:34:18 > 0:34:20about what they may be going to see,
0:34:20 > 0:34:22cos I think some kids are confused.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24I mean, the principal boy's a girl,
0:34:24 > 0:34:26or the principal girl is a boy.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29The dame is a man in a dress.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Two men, of course, dress up as a horse.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33And Dandini's anyone's guess.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35LAUGHTER
0:34:38 > 0:34:39It just...
0:34:39 > 0:34:41And some of the plots, I just think...
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Have you ever tried to explain panto to an American?
0:34:43 > 0:34:45LAUGHTER
0:34:45 > 0:34:46My little boy said,
0:34:46 > 0:34:49"Why's that a principal boy? Why's...
0:34:49 > 0:34:50"It's a girl, is it not?"
0:34:50 > 0:34:53And it's very difficult to try and explain those things to a kid.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55We've got a picture of you...
0:34:55 > 0:34:57This is you in...
0:34:57 > 0:34:58I think as Buttons.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Are you Buttons there?
0:35:00 > 0:35:01God, that's with Billy Dainty.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Billy Dainty.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04Playing the Birmingham Hippodrome.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06I was playing Cinders there,
0:35:06 > 0:35:08and this little boy came up with about six other kids,
0:35:08 > 0:35:10and you try and get a laugh out of them, and I said,
0:35:10 > 0:35:12"What's your name, son?"
0:35:12 > 0:35:14He said, "My name's Steven."
0:35:14 > 0:35:16So, I said, "Steven, are you from Birmingham?"
0:35:16 > 0:35:17"No, I'm from Dudley."
0:35:18 > 0:35:21So, I said... I was still trying to get a laugh out of the kid.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24I said, "Steven, is that with a 'v'
0:35:24 > 0:35:25"or with a 'ph'?"
0:35:25 > 0:35:27He said, "With an 's', you twit."
0:35:27 > 0:35:29LAUGHTER
0:35:32 > 0:35:34But there's all sorts of people doing it now.
0:35:34 > 0:35:35Who would you say, Des,
0:35:35 > 0:35:40was the highest paid pantomime performer last year?
0:35:40 > 0:35:41I don't know, who was the most?
0:35:41 > 0:35:44They were getting over £60,000 a week.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46- What?!- Was that two people? - That's like a footballer.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Yeah, it was sort of... It was a double act.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Well, one of them was a dog.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53Ashleigh and Pudsey?
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Ashleigh and Pudsey.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Here they are, look.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58£62,000 a week. How much of that did he see?
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Nothing.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01LAUGHTER
0:36:01 > 0:36:04And that, my friends, is show business.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06Have you ever seen one, Jameela?
0:36:06 > 0:36:07Yeah, I'm not into it.
0:36:07 > 0:36:08OK.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11LAUGHTER
0:36:11 > 0:36:13I thought I could be a dame,
0:36:13 > 0:36:15and I tell you what I based this on,
0:36:15 > 0:36:19the Queen of Denmark is called Queen Margrethe,
0:36:19 > 0:36:21and I wasn't familiar of her,
0:36:21 > 0:36:24and then someone sent me a copy of a portrait,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27and they said, "Were you ever in Denmark?"
0:36:27 > 0:36:30This is Queen Margrethe of Denmark.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32LAUGHTER
0:36:35 > 0:36:38That could be me as a pantomime dame.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40What do you mean? It IS you! Own up.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42No, honestly, that is Queen...
0:36:42 > 0:36:43I swear, we have not touched that.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45LAUGHTER
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Did you enjoy doing it, or was it...?
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Yeah, I loved it. It's great.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52You're kind of a... You're a prisoner, more or less,
0:36:52 > 0:36:54because you get up, say nine o'clock, have your breakfast.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58You're getting ready to get to the theatre, cos it was two shows a day.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00And then you've got to drive back and get home,
0:37:00 > 0:37:02so it's hard work but it's great fun.
0:37:02 > 0:37:03The kids do love it.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Right, so we come to my decision.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Well, yeah, so I won't put panto in,
0:37:08 > 0:37:13cos, God knows, I might be glad of it at some time in the future.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15People who chew like that...
0:37:15 > 0:37:16SHE CHOMPS LOUDLY
0:37:16 > 0:37:20It is annoying, but I don't know if they can help it.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21Yes, they can. Close your mouth.
0:37:21 > 0:37:22Close your mouth.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27I like the fact that women bravely take on shoes,
0:37:27 > 0:37:30because I just think that's great.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32They want to look good and they'll suffer for their art,
0:37:32 > 0:37:33and that's beautiful.
0:37:33 > 0:37:34You know what? I am.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I'm going to put people who chew loudly into Room 101.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:49 > 0:37:51And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Well done, Jameela, you were tonight's most persuasive guest,
0:37:55 > 0:37:56so you are this week's winner.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Yeah!
0:37:58 > 0:37:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Thanks very much to Des O'Connor, Adrian Chiles and Jameela Jamil,
0:38:04 > 0:38:06and thank you, goodnight.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08APPLAUSE