0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:35 > 0:00:40the show where three guests compete to condemn their deepest dislikes
0:00:40 > 0:00:41to the dreaded room.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43They'll have to argue their case well
0:00:43 > 0:00:45because in each round only one item can be chosen -
0:00:45 > 0:00:47the final decision is mine.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Joining me tonight are... The Thick Of It, Joanna Scanlan.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52The SHTICK OF IT, Noel Fielding.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55And, "give us a kick of it," Ian Wright.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Anyway, as they used to say on 'Allo 'Allo!...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11good moaning. BELL DINGS
0:01:12 > 0:01:13So what's Noel's choice?
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Spiders.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20SUBDUED CHEERING
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Ooh, that's...
0:01:22 > 0:01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- It was like they had a debate first. - I know!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- "Shall we applaud?" - Whole gamut of emotions.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Yeah. So why? Why spiders?
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Well, oh, God! I mean, they're dickheads, basically.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I hate... I mean, I don't... All spiders are bad but
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I recently went to Australia, and...
0:01:43 > 0:01:45that was a whole other ballgame.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Mm.- I mean, I'm frightened of spiders here,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49but in Australia, they are massive.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I mean, literally, one picked me up at the airport.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- LAUGHTER - In a taxi.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58It's still on your head. LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Quite good when we got to the hotel, though,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08cos he picked up all my bags...
0:02:09 > 0:02:12But I mean, they're properly dangerous in Australia as well, so...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Yeah, well, they can kill you. You know like here, in England,
0:02:14 > 0:02:18the thing is, in England, you do the sort of postcard/cup technique.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- You know, you try and trap... - IAN:- Mm-hm.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22In Australia, there was one in... This is a true story.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Me and my brother were sharing a hotel, doing a Boosh tour,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28and there was... A huntsman, it's called. And...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30it literally was this big, right, on the wall,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32so we couldn't even get it in a mug.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36We had to... I had to go to the kitchen and get a mixing bowl, yeah,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38and we had to use an album...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40IAN LAUGHS
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I used Abbey Road, right? This is a true story.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45And cos mixing bowls, they're see-through,
0:02:45 > 0:02:46they're sort of magnifying.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48So, it was THAT big anyway, and when I put the mixing bowl,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50its head was bigger than mine.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Wow.- I could see its cheekbones, it was awful.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57And so I slid the album underneath it and took it outside,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and I put it out, and it didn't even just go in the bushes,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02it walked down the sidewalk like a man.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Like a man would, it just went off...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08across the zebra crossing...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Must have got the idea from Abbey Road.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:15APPLAUSE
0:03:15 > 0:03:17So bad.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- The huntsman spider.- I know.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Does it herald its arrival with a bugle call?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Bwwuh-rooo!
0:03:25 > 0:03:29I am not very good with the... the cup and the...
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I always think beermat, the glass and the beermat.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Or, you know, the coaster thing.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35If it's a really big spider,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I don't really want it in the same postcode as me.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- I've got a spider catcher.- Oh, yeah?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Yeah.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It's really long, plastic, thin, and it's got a bulb on the end...
0:03:46 > 0:03:49And you...you go near the spider, you just press the bulb
0:03:49 > 0:03:51and a vacuum sucks the spider up
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- and then you can go outside and release.- Wow.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- A spider in Australia would snatch that off you.- Yeah.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"What else you got?"
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Just to prove that, um, Noel's not exaggerating,
0:04:06 > 0:04:10we have a man actually catching a spider in Australia.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11- It is a bit scary.- Oh...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Can you see Daddy and the spider?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- CHILD:- 'Yeah, I can.' - OK.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16That's the one!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18'Daddy, careful.'
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Decided to get a bigger container because of...the size of this one.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23I'll have to move really quick.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26- NOEL:- Oh...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Aah! - CHILD SCREAMS
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Oh!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- That's what I'm talking about. - I know.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- They do nothing and then right at the last minute... Whoo!- Yes.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Do you want to hear the worst story I've ever heard in Australia?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Cos in Australia when you say you're scared of spiders, they go,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53"Oh, what's wrong with you?" And then they tell you a story
0:04:53 > 0:04:55that confirms all of your worst fears.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58And they're winding you up, but it kills you.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Like... I'd just be going and they go, "Yeah, mate of mine,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"was in bed... Absolutely...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"leant, while he was asleep, on an black widow egg sac..."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09A black widow egg sac...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- I mean, just those words...- Yeah.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15..are making me almost faint, and 100 little babies came out and
0:05:15 > 0:05:17stung all of his face.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20And he had to have antibiotics for, like, four years.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Never wore a hot again...
0:05:24 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:30In my own garden, which is in north London, I was bitten...
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- By a spider?- ..by a spider. I was just pottering about in the garden,
0:05:34 > 0:05:35doing a bit, you know...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- They don't like that.- Yeah, um...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41They don't. It was, like, "This is my manor," from the spider.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44So it bit me, and this is an actual photo of...
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- Wow.- It's the one on the right, that's...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You see, it graffitied me as well...
0:05:50 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:55No, I had to draw that so they could mark the spread of the infection.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58So, you know, Spider-Man got bitten by a spider
0:05:58 > 0:06:01and he developed, you know, sensory powers and super strength.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I just got swelling.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07You didn't feel it? You didn't feel it go in, the puncture?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Erm...no, I-I was in the garden and I just...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I'll be honest, I had my Crocs on...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:17And er... I know, I know what you're thinking, I deserved it,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19but nevertheless...
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Wow, so it was a fashion spider?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:27So, I'll show you some pictures of spiders which I think might...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I'm trying to win you over with these pictures.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35- Oh...- First of all, this is what I would call the Pussy Riot spider.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36LAUGHTER
0:06:36 > 0:06:38AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39- Yes, "aww", exactly.- Wow.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44Lovely. This one, the Boycie from Only Fools And Horses spider.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:51These are real things, we haven't...
0:06:51 > 0:06:55We haven't dabbled with these, these are genuine creatures.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57That looks like an early Pringles logo.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER
0:07:01 > 0:07:05They should hire those spiders to advertise Pringles.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08And this one proves that nothing is frightening when it's
0:07:08 > 0:07:10wearing knitwear.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- You see, that was an "ah" for a spider.- That's cute.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17That's not cool.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Can you find any admiration for 'em?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Cos they are, they're remarkable creatures, aren't they?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26No. You know the old Robert the Bruce story?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Robert the Bruce saw the spider and it swung...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- Yeah.- ..and it kept climbing and... if at first -
0:07:31 > 0:07:33do you know the Robert the Bruce...?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS:- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37No, they... Let me bring it down for the crowd.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38You know Incy Wincy Spider?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Well, the rain comes down and washes Incy out,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45and when the sun comes out he climbs back up.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46They don't give up.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49It's this idea that they keep fighting. It's like, sort of...
0:07:49 > 0:07:50- Like Gary Barlow.- Yeah.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- How do you feel about Spider-Man, are you all right with him?- Yeah.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I feel all right around Spider-Man, yeah.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02We've got some pictures of people fancy-dressing as Spider-Man,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04which I like.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- That's not good enough, in my opinion.- No.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- SPIDER-BLOKE, that is.- Yeah.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16What about... What about this guy?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Wow.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Now, I think if he walked round the perimeter of a football pitch,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25the fans would chant, "Who ate all the FLIES?"
0:08:25 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:30APPLAUSE
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Now, let's see what Ian's choice is.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38The film Grease.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41CHEERING AND BOOING
0:08:41 > 0:08:44FRANK LAUGHS
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- I hate that bloody film. - MAN:- Whoo!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50When I was younger, it was... it was all cool
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and John Travolta, who done Night Fever and all that,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54he was a great dancer and it was fine
0:08:54 > 0:08:57cos, you know, when you're growing up, it looked pretty cool.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58They had the cars and everything.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00But as you get older, I've got daughters now, I just...
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I was watching it the other day and I thought,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"I don't like Grease now."
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Um... You know, you've got the girls - really decent.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Olivia Newton-John - gorgeous, beautiful, nice gear,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11nice clothes she's wearing and everything.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13She wanted to get the guy, so in the end,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16she had to dress up in that tight leather, high-heel wearing,
0:09:16 > 0:09:22- red lipstick, smoking, biker chick, to get the bloke.- Mm.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25And I thought to myself, "I don't want my girls to see Grease."
0:09:25 > 0:09:26- WOMAN:- Whoo!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29APPLAUSE Wow.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30So...
0:09:31 > 0:09:32..TELL ME MORE.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:35 > 0:09:38APPLAUSE
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I think it's cos I'm getting older about stuff, like.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43I used to quite like...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I used to quite fancy... There's a girl who was...
0:09:45 > 0:09:48She thought she was pregnant all the way through the film!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Yeah.- Rizzo, weren't it?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Yeah, Rizzo.- What's that about?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Oh, come on.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I've got to tell you, you're going to have to go some to get this in.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01I love it. I love it, love it, love it.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Have you got girls?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I've got a son and I...
0:10:04 > 0:10:07That's what... No, the question was, "Have you got girls?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11No, but I had that experience you had... I had that with
0:10:11 > 0:10:14the Beano, I got a Beano annual and I thought, "Oh, I'll let him
0:10:14 > 0:10:17read the Beano. And I'm reading it and the kids in it are...
0:10:17 > 0:10:18- They're just naughty.- Yeah.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Dennis the Menace actually is... - A very naughty boy.- ..a menace.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- Yeah.- I was close to putting Peppa Pig in.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:33It was Peppa Pig or Grease, but I think Grease gives me...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I can get the message out even better with Grease,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38about your daughters.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40But like, Peppa Pig... I remember... I was watching Peppa Pig
0:10:40 > 0:10:43and my little girl started to say, "Huh, silly Daddy!"
0:10:43 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Started saying, "Yuck."
0:10:46 > 0:10:50And George just cries all the time.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- It's a nightmare.- I'll tell you my problem with Peppa Pig, Ian...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57There's a kid in it called Edmond the Elephant.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00And he's very bright, he's the cleverest kid in it.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03And every time he says something intelligent and interesting,
0:11:03 > 0:11:08the voiceover says, "Edmond is a bit of a clever clogs."
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- And I thought, "What, are you celebrating ignorance?"- Exactly.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- This is a bright kid, you should be pleased with that.- Yeah.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Peppa Pig could have gone in. - Anyway...
0:11:16 > 0:11:17you must like...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Summer... Summer Nights, do you like that?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Well, to be honest, when I was younger, I got into the songs, man.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- Yeah.- Of course you did, you know what I mean?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah. Come on!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- "Summer lovin'" and all that. - Oh, that bit where it goes...
0:11:30 > 0:11:33# Summer dreams Ripped at the seams... #
0:11:33 > 0:11:36And-and John Travolta suddenly goes, "Oh."
0:11:38 > 0:11:39I love that!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41And then he goes...
0:11:41 > 0:11:42# Those summer... #
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- And suddenly they become the Bee Gees...- Yeah.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45..and go...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- # Ni-i-i-i-ights - Ni-i-i-i-ights. #
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Yeah! NOEL LAUGHS
0:11:50 > 0:11:52You must... You must like Greased Lightning.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55The song was great, but, like... there's too much other stuff
0:11:55 > 0:11:57that's going on that I don't like with the film.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59There are good influences.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03I think the whole Greased Lightning sequence sent loads of young boys
0:12:03 > 0:12:05off to join Kwik Fit.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Shall we watch Greased Lightning? - Let's watch it.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- Yeah, yeah.- Let's watch a bit cos it's pretty good.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Why, it could be Greased Lightning? Greased Lightning!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18# We'll get some overhead lifters and four barrel quads, oh, yeah
0:12:18 > 0:12:21# Keep talking, whoa, keep talking
0:12:21 > 0:12:24# Fuel injection cut-offs Chrome-plated rods, oh, yeah
0:12:24 > 0:12:26# We'll get her ready I'll kill to get her ready
0:12:26 > 0:12:29# With a four-speed on the floor They'll be waiting at the door
0:12:29 > 0:12:32# You know that ain't no shit We'll be getting lots of tit
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- # In Greased Lightning - Go, go, go, go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go
0:12:35 > 0:12:39# Go Greased Lightning You're burning up the quarter mile
0:12:39 > 0:12:41# Greased Lightning Go, Greased Lightning... #
0:12:41 > 0:12:44JOANNA LAUGHS
0:12:44 > 0:12:46CHEERING
0:12:46 > 0:12:47HE CLEARS THROAT
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Wow.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Oh, you know what? I love a bit of GARAGE.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Do you think the Grease Lightning sequence would be as good
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- if there was no music?- No.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- Yeah.- Do you think it would be as good?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Cos I think it's John Travolta's dancing.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I think, without the music, his dancing would hold it.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Well, let's-let's find out...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13NO MUSIC
0:13:13 > 0:13:15# For Greased Lightning... #
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Go, go, go, go...
0:13:18 > 0:13:19LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Huh!
0:13:31 > 0:13:32LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:35APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It's actually... It's actually...rubbish
0:13:41 > 0:13:43without the music. Rubbish! That's so...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- I'd love to see a film like that now.- Really?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Something like... I'd like to watch West Side Story like that.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Also, that car at the end takes off and goes into space.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- How's that happening?- Yeah, that's a... That's a strange bit.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- That was the director gone mad, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You know what the theory is about that?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01You know when he said they were messing around
0:14:01 > 0:14:02and she almost drowned?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- You know that, in the song, at the beginning?- Oh, yeah.- Yeah.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08That she DID drown...and during the bit where she was los...
0:14:08 > 0:14:13h-had no oxygen, she imagined the whole Grease thing,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15and at the end she goes to heaven in a car.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17STILTED LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Goodnight.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24No, it's a... No, that is a theory.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- You might have ruined Grease for me. - Oh, don't say that.- Good.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30I think... LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:33NOEL LAUGHS
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Could you argue, Ian, that a young person watching that
0:14:37 > 0:14:41learns a lot about teenage love and stuff like that?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44But what I'm saying is it's the way that it transpires
0:14:44 > 0:14:46and how it ends up them being together.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I mean, she's not pregnant in the end, Rizzo.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52She's not, but they're having sex at school!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54They all look about 37, to be fair.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58There's a thing now, this...
0:14:58 > 0:15:01You might not believe this, but there's a song in Grease
0:15:01 > 0:15:05which I have never been able to sing without crying.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06- Right, OK.- And that is...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- I know it. - Can you guess which one it is?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Hopelessly Devoted?- It is.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14I was just singing it at home the other day, and I just...
0:15:14 > 0:15:15I just lost it.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I was telling the production team about this, and they said,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- "Try singing it on the show".- Mm.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23And I don't know if it'll work here, obviously, cos I...
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- But shall I give it a go?- Yeah. - AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Sing it from the heart, Frank, that's... Sing it from the heart.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35# Guess mine is not the first heart broken
0:15:35 > 0:15:39# My eyes are not the first to cry
0:15:39 > 0:15:45# I'm not the first to know there's just no getting over you
0:15:47 > 0:15:53# But baby can't you see there's nothing else for me to do?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56# I'm hopelessly devoted to you
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# But now there's nowhere to hide
0:16:01 > 0:16:05# Since you pushed my love aside I'm out of my head
0:16:05 > 0:16:09# Hopelessly devoted to you... #
0:16:09 > 0:16:10You're crying, man.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# Hopelessly devoted to you... #
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Your eyes are welling... Oh, my God!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I can't do any more. It's too much.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Oh, well done!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- I'm going to have to do that thing now that women do.- Yeah.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32OK, so what's Joanna's choice?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I don't even have to say it, bad toast etiquette.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44APPLAUSE
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I have a thing which is that if...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49If you put your knife into the butter...
0:16:49 > 0:16:53and then you put the butter on the toast...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56..you spread it with that same knife,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58then you go back to the butter...
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- possibly even go into the jam...- Oh.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04..the peanut butter or the Marmite,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08then put that back in the butter, you're going to have crumbs -
0:17:08 > 0:17:12jam, Marmite and peanut butter - or whatever else, in the butter.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- Yeah.- You're supposed to have a side plate and you put your toast on it.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Then you have your knife, which is for the butter,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22the butter knife, which is only for butter, and then a spoon
0:17:22 > 0:17:26or something else to get it onto your plate, the jam and the stuff.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Put the butter on, then take the butter from the plate
0:17:28 > 0:17:30onto the toast and back again.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Wow.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- I'm with you.- Yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- Yeah, I'm with you.- Yeah, yeah.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37- I like that, yeah.- Yeah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I must admit, I quite like to see a bit of jam in the butter.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43No.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Looks like a beautiful sunset.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46- No.- No?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I don't believe you. I think you're...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53It is a disgusting sight.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54- I don't think it is. - Yeah, it is weird.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Crumbs particularly.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I know they're microscopic but there's something really,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01for me, very visceral about it, seeing them there.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04When I put the... Because I do it, that's why I'm being a bit quiet.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- Oh.- I put the...
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- Here we go.- I don't do the Marmite. I do the jam.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10But what I do, when I do go back into the butter
0:18:10 > 0:18:14after I've been in the jam, I try to go back to where I've left jam
0:18:14 > 0:18:16and take that out of the butter.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19So I'm trying to...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I'm trying to clean up.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I'm trying to clean up after myself.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Anywhere where there's bits of jam, I take that bit of butter.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31You'd be amazing at a murder scene.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Columbo comes in.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37"Hey, who's taken the butter?"
0:18:37 > 0:18:39The thing is that when you're doing that,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43aren't you leaving new crumbs and new jam from your last trip?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I'm going back. I can't get all of it.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It's a never-ending process, though. You start to think you're...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51You're trying to make it better but make it a little bit worse.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Sometimes you're just burying the crumbs. You're not taking them out.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55So they're under the surface.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Oh!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00My dad, he used to put butter on his hair.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05He'd be in the mirror, ready to go out.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06He'd just reach into the butter.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11And he'd double... Sometimes he'd go back.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13There was hair and dandruff and everything.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Oh!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Oh! Oh!- Yeah.- That's the limit.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18I mean..
0:19:18 > 0:19:21That's double dipping at its worst.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- I tell you what I sometimes use... - Oh, here we go.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26..which definitely helps on this front.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And that is... I have this knife.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- Wow.- So with this knife, I...
0:19:35 > 0:19:39You know, I put the butter on and...
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Haven't got quite enough. Oh, I can't go back with...
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- I'm already in trouble.- Exactly.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49So now I'm going to go to the jam.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Yeah.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Wow.- All absolutely fine.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01APPLAUSE
0:20:01 > 0:20:02- That's a cool knife.- Yeah.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06You also get jam in the... You get jam in the butter, you get butter in the jam.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08It's a two-way street, Joanna.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10It's not a matter of whether you mind.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It's about consideration for others, isn't it?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Yes, but I don't get that from my partner.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19My partner insists that all the butter in our house
0:20:19 > 0:20:21is kept in the fridge.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23So it's like...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26It's kind of like cheese when it comes out.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- It's so hard.- I know.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- So I'm trying to do the... - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Can't get in. - So I tell you what I...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35It breaks the bread. It breaks the toast. That's a nightmare.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Yeah.- That's awful. - God, that's a nightmare.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- I've thrown bread away because it's broken like that.- Me too.- Yeah.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I've moved house because of that.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46This is what I end up eating, is this.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- That's a Battenberg.- It looks like a children's drawing of a house.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It's clear that there's a problem, isn't there?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Because they're trying to invent things that would help sort out
0:20:58 > 0:21:01this massive issue. So it's just...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04What's the solution? Technology hasn't got us there yet.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I wonder if you could get the jam out of the butter
0:21:07 > 0:21:09with your otherwise unused spider catcher.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:15It is, it's a difficult problem,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18and I can tell here people feel your pain.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20OK, so we come to the end of that round
0:21:20 > 0:21:22and I have to make my decision.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26For a start off, I take your point about the lax attitude
0:21:26 > 0:21:31to teenage physical activity in Grease, but as you can see,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33it's a film that's at the very core of my being.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I didn't realise I was going to get a rendition of the song
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- with you crying and all that. - No, exactly.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40It just killed me.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43No, that was pretty tough. Don't remind me of that again.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46So I can't possibly put that in.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50With the toast thing, I mean, I feel people's concern about it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54What I do in my house is I have my own butter,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58so I have crumbs, jam, Marmite...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Yeah.- ..some of my dad's hair. It's fine.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05So I think it's as simple as having two sources of butter.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Spiders, in a way I admire spiders and respect spiders,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13but I also find myself killing them with sheer terror,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16and I don't like the side that they bring out in me.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19So although we're going to be overrun with insects of all kinds,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I am going to put spiders into Room 101.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23APPLAUSE
0:22:33 > 0:22:35And so to Ian's choice.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Honestly, I've had brilliant meals, and afterwards
0:22:50 > 0:22:53they bring the cheeseboard and it just makes me gag.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55It's like, the first guy who...
0:22:55 > 0:22:57He must have been absolutely ravenous,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00starving, to eat cheese that smells like
0:23:00 > 0:23:04some of the cheese that I've smelt when it's come out on the board.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06It's just ridiculous. It's not supposed to be eaten.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I think one day people are going to say, "You know something?
0:23:09 > 0:23:14"Eating all that stinky cheese, you shouldn't have been eating that."
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It's rotten.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19It's supposed to be a sign of, sort of, a cultured palate,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22isn't it, if you like? Sort of a food connoisseur.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Can't understand how anyone can get it past this part here,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27the nose here, to go into your mouth.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- You know, I like Manchego. - That smells.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- No, it doesn't smell. - Oh, yeah. Manchego really...
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Manchego does not smell.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Oh, I really don't like the smell of Manchego.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Of all cheeses, I think that does smell nasty.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40No, no, no, man. Not Manchego.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Manchego is a beautiful-smelling cheese.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Join us for Cheese Wars.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I tell you what doesn't smell.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54The Babybel.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59They smell of life, of pure life,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02and then you can make a small shape out of the wax coat.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Yeah, that's nice. - That's a good point.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06I have some...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09This is called... I'm going to have an attempt.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- ..Epoisses.- Epoisses.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13And this is...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yeah, this is like, um...
0:24:16 > 0:24:18like the changing room at school.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22But what I find with this is if you're eating something like...
0:24:22 > 0:24:26I watch quite a lot of zombie movies, and when the zombies appear,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28you just take the lid off
0:24:28 > 0:24:30and it's very, very realistic.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I've got a bit of a ...
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I'm basically... My dad's French, so my family are French,
0:24:37 > 0:24:38so I'm a bit of a French duke,
0:24:38 > 0:24:43so I have been faced with eating stinky cheese.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46And one cheese that I had to eat, honestly,
0:24:46 > 0:24:47it sent me into the future.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I was 12 when I tasted it.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I was 17 when I came to.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56But I love it. I don't know if you've ever been
0:24:56 > 0:24:59into one of those cheese shops where they just sell cheese.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02You do feel like it's quite an exciting...
0:25:02 > 0:25:05The first cheese, I suppose, was Brie,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08which now feels pretty normal, but when I first had Brie
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I really thought I'd reached... Just the feel of it.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Yeah.- That sort of...- Velvety.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Oh, I miss Grandma.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21And I like the waxed... This is Gouda, I think.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Oh, yeah.- But look at that. That's a brilliant...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26That can't smell.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28It's just a massive Babybel, a yellow one.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30That's the mother-ship.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It's a little bit on the rolly side. Luckily...
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Oh!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:39 > 0:25:41See, they're very handy, the Dairylea triangles.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I used to like that. When we were younger,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46I liked the way they fit into that little...all the triangles.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- That's clever, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I tell you what you'd like. Trivial Pursuit.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER
0:25:54 > 0:25:57My favourite cheese experience - this doesn't happen very often -
0:25:57 > 0:26:00but you know when you get the Swiss cheese, like this?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03This is the sliced Leerdammer cheese.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07And occasionally, on a day when the whole world is in sync,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10my patchy thing that I've done from the really hard...
0:26:13 > 0:26:14..fits absolutely.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:24OK. So what's Jo's next choice?
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Ooh.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Numbers. I can't cope with numbers.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37When I hear a number, my brain goes...
0:26:37 > 0:26:39SHE WHIRS AND FIZZES
0:26:39 > 0:26:42..and I just stop listening, and panic.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45And it can be anything.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51It could be money, or it could be,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53you know, speed.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54It could be anything. It's a problem.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- I mean, it's clearly a problem. - Yeah.- I got...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59For my maths O-level, I got a U.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03I got an unclassified for my maths O-level.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I mean, I understand the problem that they're setting,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09it's not like I don't understand the problem.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10So if they say, "What is half?"
0:27:10 > 0:27:14I understand what half is. I understand the concept of half.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It's the number bit that I have a problem with.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Of course, if I let it through, there'll be no numbers
0:27:19 > 0:27:22in the world, after they've gone into the room.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I can see there would be some issues, but...
0:27:24 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Couldn't we go back to abacus?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31And, sort of, you know... Like, it's beads.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34It's more on that side than that side, but you don't give it
0:27:34 > 0:27:35one, two, three, four, five...
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I can see a couple of calculators just edging out by the door.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41The thing that always amazes me is when someone texts you to say their
0:27:41 > 0:27:46baby is born, they all have to say, like, "Nine pounds, three ounces."
0:27:46 > 0:27:48They always have to tell you the weight.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Why do they do that?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52No-one would ever say, "I've got a new girlfriend -
0:27:52 > 0:27:53"Nine stone, two."
0:27:53 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:03You would never do that. What is that weird obsession?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- It's true.- Well, the Americans do a bit, though.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08When they describe people they say, "200 pounds."
0:28:08 > 0:28:10You know, they do throw numbers alongside names.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- I never know what that means. Do you?- No.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16"Got to be 400 pounds, that guy." I just think, "Is that a lot?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19"How big is he? Is he a goblin? What's happening?"
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Did you like charts and all that at school,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24when you used to get graphs and things?
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Well, I mean, I preferred a picture to the number.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Yeah. They sort of appeal to me, pie charts.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Are you familiar with the Meatloaf song?
0:28:33 > 0:28:37# I would do anything for love
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# But I won't do that. #
0:28:42 > 0:28:44They actually, um...
0:28:44 > 0:28:48They took that song lyric and expressed it as a graph.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53LAUGHTER
0:28:53 > 0:28:56APPLAUSE
0:28:56 > 0:29:00OK, so, what is upsetting Noel Fielding?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08What's the point?
0:29:08 > 0:29:10CHEERING
0:29:11 > 0:29:14I mean, what's the point of hangovers?
0:29:14 > 0:29:15Why?
0:29:15 > 0:29:18If we just drank five bottles of wine, fell asleep,
0:29:18 > 0:29:22woke up the next day, felt fine, what's the problem with that?
0:29:22 > 0:29:25What is this rubbish about?
0:29:25 > 0:29:27I mean, when I was younger, they were fine.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30My liver the next day would give me a little cheeky warning,
0:29:30 > 0:29:34you know, like a Mogwai. It would go, "Bar-bar-r-r-r."
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Now it comes in like Chewbacca, kicks the door down,
0:29:38 > 0:29:42"Br-r-r-r-r-r-r," gets me in a headlock.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46I mean, I literally am out of the game for three days.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49The only time you think you haven't got a hangover, now,
0:29:49 > 0:29:51you're still drunk.
0:29:51 > 0:29:52LAUGHTER
0:29:53 > 0:29:57You go, "I've got away with it! "Oh, I'm absolutely shitfaced!"
0:29:58 > 0:30:01I've gone through the night. That's how drunk I was.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04I don't like that fuzzy feeling.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07I'm not a massive drinker, so it doesn't take much for me to...
0:30:07 > 0:30:13The next day, after having a couple the night before, to really...
0:30:13 > 0:30:17And it stays all day, that fuzzy, horrible feeling.
0:30:17 > 0:30:18"Drink more water."
0:30:18 > 0:30:21- Drink so much water, you know what I mean?- Doesn't work.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24Your belly is gushing. Your belly is like, "Blumf, blumf."
0:30:24 > 0:30:27I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'll be upfront about it.
0:30:27 > 0:30:28I used to wet the bed anyway,
0:30:28 > 0:30:33without drinking three pints of water before I went to bed.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37What am I, just trying to take the colour down a couple of shades?
0:30:37 > 0:30:39LAUGHTER
0:30:41 > 0:30:42At least you're upfront about it.
0:30:42 > 0:30:46I remember a mate saying... We went out, we had, honestly,
0:30:46 > 0:30:49we had about 12 pints of cider, we got absolutely, completely
0:30:49 > 0:30:50out of it.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53I felt terrible the next day and I saw him at lunchtime.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57I said, "How are you feeling?" He said, "Oh, I feel terrible.
0:30:57 > 0:30:58"I'm going to stop having that cup
0:30:58 > 0:31:01"of tea last thing before I go to bed."
0:31:01 > 0:31:02LAUGHTER
0:31:02 > 0:31:04And he meant it, he meant it!
0:31:06 > 0:31:10The trouble is, whenever I talk to people about drinking anecdotes,
0:31:10 > 0:31:12it all starts off all funny
0:31:12 > 0:31:16and then I tell some of my stories, and people just go, "Oh."
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Like, you'll particularly like this one.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22This sort of sums up the show for you.
0:31:22 > 0:31:26I once went on a massive bender for about five days
0:31:26 > 0:31:30and I was lying in bed one morning, and I could see spiders crawling
0:31:30 > 0:31:37about on the ceiling, which were caused by the alcohol in my brain.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39They weren't really there.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43See, you don't get banter like this on Would I Lie To You?
0:31:45 > 0:31:48As you get older they become bleaker and bleaker, the hangovers.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Longer. Like, three-day hangovers.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54That's a holiday, isn't it?
0:31:54 > 0:31:57That's a weekend break.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01People say to me now, they say, if I tell them I haven't drunk...
0:32:01 > 0:32:04I haven't had a drink since September 24th 1986.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Woo! Nice one, man.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08APPLAUSE
0:32:08 > 0:32:10And people say to me, "Oh, well, you know,
0:32:10 > 0:32:13"at least you can remember what you did last night."
0:32:13 > 0:32:14And I say, "Yeah, nothing."
0:32:14 > 0:32:16LAUGHTER
0:32:19 > 0:32:22So have you come up with a cure for a hangover?
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Not really.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27I think what happens is you fight it and fight it and eventually you
0:32:27 > 0:32:31just have to think, "Oh, I'll just lie here and watch Police Academy 5.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36"I won't try and move my arms or legs.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39"Hopefully someone will put a pizza in my face at some point."
0:32:41 > 0:32:43I think the only cure is to just not drink as much.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Yes, I think that's true.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48I guess if you didn't have them, then you'd just drink all the time,
0:32:48 > 0:32:49- and it would be ridiculous.- Yes.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51You kind of have to have the high and low, don't you?
0:32:51 > 0:32:53The yin and the yang.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55I think you've just talked me out of putting them into Room 101.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Oh, no.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Well, the truth is, if hangovers didn't exist,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03if I put them into Room 101, I'd probably start drinking again
0:33:03 > 0:33:07tomorrow and I'd end up on waste ground with 15 carrier bags,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10shouting, "I used to be on television."
0:33:10 > 0:33:11LAUGHTER
0:33:11 > 0:33:15Stinky cheese. I, um...
0:33:15 > 0:33:17I think it's all right.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20What you need to do is use your senses individually.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Close down the nose and go for the taste.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25If you get it as far as the mouth, it actually tastes all right.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29And also, I don't have many things that make me feel sophisticated,
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Ian, so don't take this away from me, please.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33I don't have a gold tooth.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35LAUGHTER
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Numbers. I know it's going to be a bit weird
0:33:37 > 0:33:39if I take all the numbers out of the world,
0:33:39 > 0:33:43but I have struggled with numbers a lot in my life, and we all have.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- Yeah.- And it is a real problem.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49I wish there'd be some way that we could make it a language thing.
0:33:49 > 0:33:54So I am going to put numbers into Room - what used to be called - 101.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56APPLAUSE
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Right, we've just got time for a bonus choice, so let's see
0:34:07 > 0:34:09what Ian has gone for.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18APPLAUSE
0:34:18 > 0:34:20I tell you what happened - my wedding ring...
0:34:20 > 0:34:23When I...when I have a bath and that in the morning...
0:34:23 > 0:34:27All that sort of stuff, I wash... I take my ring off...
0:34:27 > 0:34:30Lost it. Lost my ring for, I'd say,
0:34:30 > 0:34:32two months...
0:34:32 > 0:34:34I asked my little girl, "Lola, where's my ring?
0:34:34 > 0:34:37"Have you seen it?" She said, "No, Roxanne had it last."
0:34:37 > 0:34:40- Roxanne's two and a half.- Hm.- So then you go and...
0:34:40 > 0:34:42You actually... Because you're so desperate to find it,
0:34:42 > 0:34:45you actually ask, "Roxanne, where's Daddy's ring?"
0:34:45 > 0:34:47And she'll start walking you around the house,
0:34:47 > 0:34:50and then you try to go where... She'll take you to her play stuff...
0:34:50 > 0:34:53And in the end - couldn't find my ring for two months -
0:34:53 > 0:34:56ended up finding it in a pair of her jeans, in her front pocket.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59What does a two-year-old need pockets in their jeans for?
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Drug smuggling?
0:35:01 > 0:35:03LAUGHTER
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Yeah, they come in very handy at Customs.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07LAUGHTER
0:35:07 > 0:35:10I'm standing up now for clothes designers...
0:35:10 > 0:35:12If you don't put pockets on kids' clothes,
0:35:12 > 0:35:15then they just end up looking like communists.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17LAUGHTER
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Or like they're in prison.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23I don't know, I've got a three-year-old,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26and he's got a pocket and then inside the pocket
0:35:26 > 0:35:29there's an even smaller pocket.
0:35:29 > 0:35:34And in there I found, I'd say, about 70% of a ladybird.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36LAUGHTER
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- He'd put there for safety.- Exactly.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43So, really what they've done there, they've actually aided your son
0:35:43 > 0:35:45- to kill an insect.- You're right.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47LAUGHTER
0:35:48 > 0:35:52- I think when I get home, I'm going to have to make a citizen's arrest. - Absolutely.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53LAUGHTER
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Kids don't put their hands in their pockets...
0:35:56 > 0:35:59Two-year-olds and three-year-olds, they don't put their
0:35:59 > 0:36:01hands in their pockets. What are they putting their hands...?
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Some of them, they can't even fit their hand in...
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Their little hand can't even fit into the little pocket.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10So, what is the point of having a little pocket that's even small...
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Too small for their little hand to go in?
0:36:13 > 0:36:17It's just absolutely ridiculous. You know what I do now?
0:36:17 > 0:36:20All of her jeans... I look at them... Cos all the jeans have got
0:36:20 > 0:36:23pockets, I actually try to put my hands in the pockets, just to see...
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Bloody stupid. Put my finger in, can't get my hand in.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29I thought you were going to say you sewed them all up,
0:36:29 > 0:36:30like some kind of pocket Nazi!
0:36:30 > 0:36:32LAUGHTER
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Brrr. Brrr.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Good idea, Noel, to be honest.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Maybe they're for teeth?
0:36:39 > 0:36:42No, that's the pillow. That's the pillow, isn't it?
0:36:42 > 0:36:45No, because kids' teeth are like roulette chips, they can
0:36:45 > 0:36:47cash them in at any time.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48LAUGHTER
0:36:48 > 0:36:53Just put in there for safekeeping, if you've got a bit of a short week under the pillow.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55You can't turn this round for me.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Simply because there is no reason for a two, three-year-old
0:36:58 > 0:37:01to have pockets in any of their clothes.
0:37:01 > 0:37:06- At what age do pockets become...?- I would go seven, eight...
0:37:06 > 0:37:07- Seven or eight?- 21.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09LAUGHTER
0:37:09 > 0:37:12I've got pockets and my jeans are so tight I can't get anything in there.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16- A nightmare.- Can you even get your hands in your pockets?
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Not even a Rizla.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20LAUGHTER
0:37:21 > 0:37:25What about you, Jo, do you have a view on this?
0:37:25 > 0:37:28I would just... I think with kids' clothing in general,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31there is this idea that everything has to look incredibly cute.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35- And sweet.- Mm.- And impractical, actually, a lot of it is
0:37:35 > 0:37:37intended to be impractical.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39They want to be like us.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42What, at two? They're not going to say, "Hang on a minute,
0:37:42 > 0:37:44"I haven't got any pockets. I want to look like..."
0:37:44 > 0:37:45LAUGHTER
0:37:45 > 0:37:48"Excuse me, someone, I want to be grown-up,
0:37:48 > 0:37:51- "why haven't I got pockets?"- This is...- "Pockets to put nothing in."
0:37:51 > 0:37:56This is bullshit, "I've got a greenfly and a button, where's that going to go?"
0:37:56 > 0:37:58LAUGHTER
0:38:02 > 0:38:05Just the originality behind pockets and children...
0:38:05 > 0:38:07LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:10I am going to put pockets in children's clothes into Room 101.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12CHEERING
0:38:21 > 0:38:23And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26Well done, Noel, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:38:26 > 0:38:27so you are this week's winner.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29APPLAUSE
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Thanks very much, Noel Fielding, Ian Wright and Joanna Scanlan,
0:38:34 > 0:38:36and thank you. Goodnight.