0:00:26 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38the show where three guests battle to get the things they hate
0:00:38 > 0:00:41entombed for all eternity in the notorious vault.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round
0:00:44 > 0:00:47only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are Citizen Khan Adil Ray,
0:00:52 > 0:00:53model citizen Katie Price,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55and senior citizen Greg Davies.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:09So, time for another edition of the Great British Bellyache Off.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12BELL DINGS OK, so what is Greg's choice?
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Ah, that old chestnut.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I just think a dog...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32A dog is of limited intelligence.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33It's well-established.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36There's an argument about whether they're sentient beings or not,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39whether they have any awareness of self.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I can't be bothered to get into that argument.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43They're dogs, OK?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47I had a dog for a long time, and he was thick.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Because they're dogs!
0:01:50 > 0:01:55So, he understood "walk", he learned that that phonetic sound
0:01:55 > 0:01:59meant that someone was going to let him out so he could do his toilets,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01and he got exciting about that.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05He knew his name - Rex - and apart from that, he was incredibly stupid.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07There are people in my local park
0:02:07 > 0:02:09who are having full conversations with their dogs.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13They're going, "Oh, Coco, don't mess around in that bush,"
0:02:13 > 0:02:17and I think, "Coco doesn't know he's in a bush!"
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Coco has no concept of what a bush is.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Coco is just trying to smell other dogs' wee,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27and trying to find something to eat or have sex with.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32There's a woman in my park who walks about five dogs,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36and she's going, "Oh, Lulu, Lulu, don't play with Coco's stick.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"That's his stick."
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Coco now has some concept of ownership?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47It wasn't his stick anyway. I saw him.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49He picked it up in the park!
0:02:52 > 0:02:56And the same can be applied, while I'm on the subject, to toddlers.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - I don't....
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I've heard mothers in west London talking to two-year-olds going,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"No, no, no, don't play with that bowl,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10"because you're going to spill food on the floor
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"and someone is going to have to come and clean that up,"
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- and the toddler is going... - GREG GIBBERS
0:03:15 > 0:03:17..because all they've got a concept of
0:03:17 > 0:03:19is something they can ram in their mouth.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21They have no concept of the...
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I'm genuinely furious.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27One of the worst things is
0:03:27 > 0:03:30when people want to say something to their partner,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- but they say it to the baby... - Yeah.- ..instead.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38So, they say things... "Daddy's a bit grumpy today.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40"I think he might be having an affair."
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I don't like that.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46But at least that's got a purpose to it, Frank.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49At least that's someone communicating
0:03:49 > 0:03:52with an intelligent being via a non-intelligent being.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55If I see a man in a park say to his dog -
0:03:55 > 0:03:57which I have done in the last two weeks -
0:03:57 > 0:04:00"Are you tired?"
0:04:02 > 0:04:05To a dog, "Are you tired?"
0:04:05 > 0:04:09"Are you tired?" is a hair's breadth away from saying to a dog,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"Will you make me an omelette?"
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I live near an enormous park in North London...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Oooh!- Yes! I'm not ashamed of that.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25On a hot day, you can smell the dog excrement wafting through the air.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Well, that's it.- You should have told those dogs to clean it up.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"Get a little bucket, clean that up. You did it."
0:04:30 > 0:04:33"What? I'm a dog!"
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I saw a bloke who'd got one of those, er...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You know the, er, trajectory ladles
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- that they use to show the ball? - Yeah.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- You know the trajectory ladle? AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Is that the name for them?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48That's what I imagine is the name for it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It's probably called a throwing stick, isn't it?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Tell you where you got that -
0:04:52 > 0:04:54it was probably a dog called it a trajectory label.
0:04:54 > 0:05:00And he was doing that, and he was going, "Now go and get that ball!"
0:05:00 > 0:05:04And I thought, "My bet is he would go anyway."
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Just from the action.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Of course. What the dog is thinking
0:05:10 > 0:05:12is, "Coloured thing go fast. Me get."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Yeah.- Not even that, mate. - Not even that!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Carson, you've got mixed up with.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Because I live on a farm, we've got three dogs,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and I have to say, they are very intelligent.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Because they herd the sheep in, they get the geese in,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and you could say to a dog, "Go and get this, go and get that,"
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- and they do get it. - Go and get what, though?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38A Nando's or something?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43But my dogs genuinely are intelligent.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Even if I go, "Kevin", like that,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47he knows to get out the room and go...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Hold on. Hold on a minute.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55So one of them is called Kevin?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Yes. Kevin, Trevor and Vera.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I mean, just to be clear, these are definitely dogs?
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Yeah. In a minute she's going to go, "Oh, no - that's my kids. Sorry."
0:06:07 > 0:06:09We have film of a woman
0:06:09 > 0:06:14who believes that bears understand the English language.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Bear! Bear!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19You're breaking it, you're breaking my kayak!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Why are you doing that?!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Why are you breaking my kayak?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Why are you breaking my kayak?!
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Oh, please stop, bear! It's the end of September!
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Why are you here? You're supposed to be asleep!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40At least you're leaving my kayak alone.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I'm going to pepper-spray you in the face.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:52That conversation took a turn for the worse.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Come on, we've all had nights like that.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00My, er... My girlfriend was running
0:07:00 > 0:07:03and got bitten by a dog, quite hard.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08She came back and was actually bleeding...from the buttock.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12And, er, it was quite scary and quite a horrible thing,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15and she said to the owner of the dog,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"Oh, God, he's bitten me!", and she said,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21"He's never done it before."
0:07:21 > 0:07:24And I thought, is this why defence lawyers
0:07:24 > 0:07:26don't like to work with serial killers?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Here's a fabulous story. You know when...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34This must have happened with people,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36you haven't heard from them for a long time,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39they used to send you a Christmas card or drop you a line
0:07:39 > 0:07:40and suddenly they disappear
0:07:40 > 0:07:43and you think, "What could possibly be the reason?"
0:07:43 > 0:07:48Here's a story which I think is one of the more novel explanations.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:57APPLAUSE
0:07:57 > 0:07:58I have another..
0:07:58 > 0:08:02You know there are some people dye their dogs?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05You see people who dye their poodles pink and stuff like this.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06- Yeah.- What about this?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I mean, how would you explain that to the dog?
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I mean, he's just grasped the fact that he's inside a bush.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24My sister and I dressed our dog up in my dad's underpants once,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26when we were kids.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28He had massive white underpants, and we put them on the dog,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30and then we were all laughing.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33We called the rest of the family out and we were all laughing at the dog.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36This sort of contradicts what I've been saying, really,
0:08:36 > 0:08:37because the dog went outside,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40and we were all in hysterics as he went out in the underpants,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44and he turned back and looked at us and he just filled them full of wee.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I swear he looked at us afterwards and went,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50"Yeah? Funny now, is it?"
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Must remember that as an excuse.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Tell the cleaner I tried them on the dog.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07God, I remember...we had a dog, and it died, which is a sad story,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10and my mum and dad were really, really upset.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13My dad phoned me at work about it, and he was really upset,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16but he said to me, "We let him out last night to do his business
0:09:16 > 0:09:19"and we heard this splashing sound."
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I said, "Well, you would."
0:09:21 > 0:09:25And he said, "No, no, he fell in the pond in the garden."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27He said, "And I had to take him out,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I had to give him artificial respiration."
0:09:30 > 0:09:33By now, I'm really struggling on the end of the phone.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Yeah.- Like, I'm thinking this is getting more funny than tragic.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40And then he said, "We found him this morning lying by the telephone."
0:09:40 > 0:09:43And I said, "Do you think he was trying to phone an ambulance?"
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Didn't go well.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50And so, Katie's choice.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56CHEERING
0:09:56 > 0:09:57APPLAUSE
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Well, when I got asked to come on this show,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03they said, "Is there anything that annoys you?"
0:10:03 > 0:10:06And I was like, well, not really, cos I'm quite chilled and laid-back,
0:10:06 > 0:10:07but they were like,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"Well, you obviously have to think of something."
0:10:10 > 0:10:12So actually, parking does annoy me.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- Mmm.- For one, it's always hard to find a space, and now,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19when you do find a space, say if you want to pop in somewhere
0:10:19 > 0:10:22for literally two minutes, you know, you can't even pay money now.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24You have to phone a number
0:10:24 > 0:10:27and then put in the code for where you are, and you spend, like,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29ten minutes, or whatever, doing that, then giving your credit card,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32and then sometimes it's like, oh, it didn't work,
0:10:32 > 0:10:33and it's all automated.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36So, it's easier just to go in and get a parking ticket.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40It's just like, why can't they just keep it old-fashioned,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43where you put your money in, or make it a credit card machine?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46APPLAUSE
0:10:46 > 0:10:50And then some machines now, you have to put your registration in.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I don't know my registration off the top of my head.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55So then, what do you do then?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Look at the car.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59It's normally got it on the front and the back.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:03 > 0:11:07No, you're right. I miss the meter where you just put the money in.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- It's easy then.- What I like...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11There's something about a parking meter.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14It's got that kind of springy thing when you put the money in.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Feels like it doesn't really want it.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It's like it's going, "Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"Honestly, I couldn't. I haven't got you anything."
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- It's very British, isn't it? - Yeah. It's quite coy about it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And Dartford Tunnel. You can't just pay.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You now have to phone up before you go through that,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34and if you don't, then you get a £75 fine.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Are you saying that you occasionally park in the Dartford Tunnel?
0:11:41 > 0:11:46In 2010, I understand you were fined, Katie,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49for texting whilst driving your pink horsebox.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51So they reckon... It was me spraying perfume,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54but I didn't get away with it, but it was true.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Well, they stink, those horses. It's fair enough.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01And what I like about it is they said you weren't in proper control
0:12:01 > 0:12:04of the horse box after veering into another lane.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07You defended yourself brilliantly in court, cos it says,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09"When she was asked why she veered, she told the court,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"'Because I'm a typical woman driver.'"
0:12:11 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- I'm a very good driver, actually. - I'm sure you are.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24I have massive, massive problems with parking, I must say.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I'm not very good at it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29You know, people say to me,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32"Oh, God, I forgot where I parked and I couldn't find the car."
0:12:32 > 0:12:34For me, that doesn't happen.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I really know the place by the time I've parked.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I've made friends.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42I invented a...
0:12:42 > 0:12:45With my ex-girlfriend, I invented a character called Daddy Park,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47who was, um...
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Come on.- No, no, it was innocent.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56It was just a rapper who rapped about his parking ability.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00And I... I don't remember any of the raps but they were awesome.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03So I would be reversing into a spot going,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06"Uh-oh, D to the A to the double D-Y,"
0:13:06 > 0:13:07and parking in.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15And once, when we were really late to get somewhere and she was
0:13:15 > 0:13:20in a really bad mood, there was one parking space and I stopped,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22put the car in reverse and she went like this...
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Genuinely, she went, "Please tell Daddy Park he's not welcome."
0:13:29 > 0:13:32You've got cars now that park themselves, haven't they?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Park assist.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36For you, it's probably your servant or something that does it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37I haven't got servants.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- I don't know why people think I have servants.- You live on a farm!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43You've got your dog doing half of the work.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Yeah, that's true.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49APPLAUSE
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I've got those things. They just make me really anxious.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54You know when you park in the car and you get that...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57PARKING WARNING BEEPS
0:13:58 > 0:14:01WARNING BEEPS URGENT
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Oh, man! It is a nightmare.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I don't know why they couldn't make those... I've got those as well...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13why they couldn't have made those bleeps a nice noise.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Why does it have to be that, "You're nearly there, you're nearly there"?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19# La-la, la-la, la-la... # "Nearly there."
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Why couldn't it be, "Little bit farther. Little bit...
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- "I'd say, what, four inches?" Why couldn't it be...?- Yeah.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Another four inches, take your time. No pressure.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32If somebody lets you in...
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You know if you're in a queue of traffic and somebody lets you in,
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- how do you thank them? Or do you not bother?- Like that, or hazards.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Or if they're behind me, hand up. - Bit of a smile.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Well, my face don't really move, so I can't really get out a smile.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:53 > 0:14:55That's why I love you, Katie.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Yeah, I've got this thing, cos I think...
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- I hate the people, if I let someone in, they don't thank me.- It's rude.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02It's really my worst thing.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I've got a thing, if anybody lets me in, I'll go...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I would say I've caused maybe four accidents.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Well, let's look at some parking. I think that's always good.
0:15:19 > 0:15:25This is a very clever way of not parking on double yellow lines.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I think you'd have a pretty good case, wouldn't you, with that one?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Also, this thing on supermarket car parks -
0:15:37 > 0:15:40people will park in the disabled spot,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43or they'll park in a child and adult slot.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44It makes me really angry,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47when there's a much more obvious solution.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Have you ever driven into someone's car and left a note saying,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58you know, "Sorry I hit your car. Here's my number"
0:15:58 > 0:15:59or anything like that? Anyone?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Yeah. - Yeah, some people.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05This is my favourite ever example of one of those notes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19What I wanted to talk about was you -
0:16:19 > 0:16:21we've got a picture of you.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22This is Katie, parked...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26That is a good party bus.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Is that a horsebox?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Yeah, I've got two. That's the big one.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32It's good for nights out when you're with your mates,
0:16:32 > 0:16:33because you play all your music
0:16:33 > 0:16:36and have a drink on the way to wherever you're going
0:16:36 > 0:16:38and on the way back, it's got beds, so you could get in your pyjamas,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40take your make-up off and sleep on the way home.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Do the horses not freak you out a bit?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:50OK, so what's winding up Adil?
0:16:53 > 0:16:58- Mine is be... Ooh! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Um, beards. Yes.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And more importantly, actually, specifically, hipster beards.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- APPLAUSE - Yes, exactly.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10You're talking about these trendy young men you see with the big beards.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13But how can it be trendy, Frank, if everyone is doing it?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15You go to parts of London, it's almost a requirement
0:17:15 > 0:17:17to go to East London that you have to have a beard,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20and I'm not talking about East London where all the Muslims are.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I'm talking about Shoreditch, you know?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I think there is also a requirement there to have a beard.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26There is a requirement there!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I just don't see... You know, if it's supposed to be trendy,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31how can it be trendy if everyone is doing it?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I just don't get it whatsoever.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34And if it is about Muslims,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36obviously, we've been cool for a number of years.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39That's why we're front page all the time, I guess.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Right!- Yeah.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44In case there's anyone watching this, thinking,
0:17:44 > 0:17:45"What on earth is he talking about?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49"Do young men have beards?" They do. It's become incredibly fashionable.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Here's an example of the hipster beards. There you go.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58The guy on the right, I think, has got Beyonce hiding under his beard.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Is it just laziness? Is that all it is, really?
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Is it lazy?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I think it's partly because the kind of guys who do it,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09they're very modern young men,
0:18:09 > 0:18:13and so, most of the signs of masculinity,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15they're not allowed to show any more.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18You know, if you look at a woman in a short skirt -
0:18:18 > 0:18:21just a slight glance, you're a sicko.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26If you hospitalise somebody on a pub car park,
0:18:26 > 0:18:27you're seen as brutish.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Dog fighting is almost obsolete now.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35So, the beard is one of the last symbols of masculinity
0:18:35 > 0:18:38for these young men, so I think that's what it's about.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40You don't think this is just you, you know,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42getting a bit older and grumpier?
0:18:42 > 0:18:43You're not that old, I know, but...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I'm not that old! No, it's not that.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I just don't understand it. I don't get it.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52How can this thing catch on?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54It's a trend, they're supposed to look cool,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56they're supposed to look hip,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58but you can't be, if everyone is looking just like you.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- My husband has got a beard. - Oh, yes?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03And I find the longer it is, the softer it is,
0:19:03 > 0:19:08but there does get a point when a beard is not nice in certain areas.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Um...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I really hope you're talking about Essex.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20One of the reasons... I think if you're going out with someone,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22especially if you're just getting together,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25it's quite good to have a beard.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I've lived with my partner now for many years,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and we've shared many, many personal moments,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34but I will never let her watch me shave,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37because I don't want her to see my shaving faces.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You know that... Once someone has seen you going...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- This is your shaving face?- Yeah.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52They can be a sign of wisdom, though, don't you think?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Well, I guess.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- You know, in the East...- Yes.
0:19:55 > 0:20:02You know, these kind of lovely big, white beards you see on the guru.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04You know, the guru.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06These types.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09You know, you see the bloke sitting there like this.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Well, we've come to the end of that round. Now, then.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27- Decision time.- Yes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I don't feel I can put trendy beards in,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33because I think it's important that
0:20:33 > 0:20:36young people are allowed to make fools of themselves.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39It's a long, time-honoured tradition.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43You argue it well but I don't think I can do that.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47People who talk to their dogs as if the dogs can understand them -
0:20:47 > 0:20:50it's really annoying, I know,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53but where would we be without stupid people?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56In our line of work,
0:20:56 > 0:21:01we'd be scratching around for things to poke fun at.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Parking... You're quite right.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05There's so many things wrong with it.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I was parking recently in Whitstable, and I got...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11There was one space in the whole of the town,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14and I managed to park there, and someone came just...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16and you know when people do that thing, and they say,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"Are you leaving? Are you leaving?"
0:21:19 > 0:21:21And the joy of going, "No."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27APPLAUSE
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I knew that I'd be able to say, if it came to it,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36if someone said to me, "Is there any room in the lifeboat?"
0:21:36 > 0:21:37"No."
0:21:38 > 0:21:40So, for all those many reasons,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I am going to put parking into Room 101.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Yay! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Righty-o.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57BELL DINGS
0:21:57 > 0:22:00So, what's upsetting Katie?
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Now, when I watch talent shows, it really does annoy me
0:22:17 > 0:22:20when somebody comes on the show to audition,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22and you know already, they're going to be rubbish.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Mmm.- And they've put them through rather than someone with talent,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- just to make it TV.- Yes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Like Britain's Got Talent.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I love the show, but you know, you get some that come on,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35and you know they're rubbish, but they still put them through and say,
0:22:35 > 0:22:36"Oh, you're really good."
0:22:36 > 0:22:40It's not their fault, though, is it? It's not the rubbish people's fault.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- I suppose it's the TV people.- It's the people who put them through.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Well, you could say it was their fault for being rubbish.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47But they probably think they're really good.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48It's like, just tell them the truth.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Jog on and just get someone on who's better.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55One of the things they feel they have to do now is the sad story.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56I hate sympathy.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59As soon as the violins and bloody panpipes and that come in...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Yeah.- ..it's like, "Here we go".
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I could have really done with that when I was going to
0:23:04 > 0:23:09Smethwick supplementary benefit office in the '70s.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11TENDER PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:11 > 0:23:15The thing is, I am actually looking for work.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17It's just that, you know, it's so difficult.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20There was a job recently, and I really...
0:23:20 > 0:23:24I really wanted it, but, um, I couldn't afford the bus fare.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29So, I know I've been on for nearly four years, but, er...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33..but I am definitely available for work.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It's a "yes" from me.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38There you go. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Yeah, so sob stories don't work with me either.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44We've all had dramas in our lives.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46So, wouldn't it be nice for someone to get through
0:23:46 > 0:23:48without a panpipe or a violin?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- Get through because of your talent...- Yeah.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53..not to let people feel sorry for you.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55What if your talent was the panpipes?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00It can be absolutely marvellous, can't it?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02There are moments on it which are great television moments.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- When Rylan found out... - Oh, that was a classic.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08When he found out that he'd gone through to the live shows,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12it's one of the best things that's ever happened on television.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Rylan, it's such a big risk,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19but I have to take it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23RYLAN SOBS AND CRIES OUT
0:24:42 > 0:24:44You're lying!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Are you serious?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48HE SOBS
0:24:51 > 0:24:53APPLAUSE
0:24:56 > 0:25:00There is a moment in that where he says, "Are you serious?"
0:25:00 > 0:25:02What if she'd gone, "No"?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I get cramp like that when I've had a curry.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13I think one thing that's happened
0:25:13 > 0:25:16that's changed quite a lot in society, you could argue,
0:25:16 > 0:25:20is there was a time you had to be 5' 8" to be a policeman,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23and then they felt that was discrimination against shorter people,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25so they got rid of that.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27And I think there was a time
0:25:27 > 0:25:30when in order to be a celebrity you had to have talent,
0:25:30 > 0:25:34and that was discriminating against a lot of people.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38And now, people, I think, want people who they recognise,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40who are like them.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- You, Katie... - I've got no talent, though.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44No, and I respect you for that.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50You, in many ways, were the trailblazer in this phenomenon.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55I first interviewed Katie, when she was Jordan, in 2001
0:25:55 > 0:25:58and here you still are. You've been around for ages now, whereas a lot...
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- 20 years.- A lot of these people on the talent shows
0:26:02 > 0:26:04are pretty short-term.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09And I like that, I like the sort of ice sculpture nature of winning,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13that people win and they say, "You're going to be a massive star,"
0:26:13 > 0:26:15you can already hear the dripping.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:17 > 0:26:20And then they've melted and gone.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I love that.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I've been doing this for 30 years.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30There's a lot of people out there sick of the sight of me,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32but does that stop me? No.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:36 > 0:26:38OK. Greg's choice.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46APPLAUSE
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I want to make it absolutely clear.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I'm not having a pop at the people
0:26:51 > 0:26:53who check you in or check you out at hotels.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56People who've welcomed me to hotels, and out of them,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58have always been very lovely.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- Mmm.- It's the process, and it's how long it takes.
0:27:02 > 0:27:09I don't understand why I have to stand for hours...
0:27:09 > 0:27:10watching someone type.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I've booked a hotel.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I've given all of my details when I booked the hotel,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19so when I arrive, this is what should happen -
0:27:19 > 0:27:21"Hello." "Hello."
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- "What is your name?" "It's Greg Davies." - MIMICS TYPING CLACK
0:27:25 > 0:27:28"Ah, here's your key. It's up there."
0:27:28 > 0:27:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- I don't know what... - TYPING CLACKS
0:27:35 > 0:27:37"Can you fill this form in?" "No, I've given you the details."
0:27:37 > 0:27:40"Oh, all right, then."
0:27:40 > 0:27:43It took me years of standing there watching
0:27:43 > 0:27:44until I finally looked behind.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46She didn't have a keyboard.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50She had little castanets.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55And checking out...
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I've stopped checking out, and I encourage...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I want the nation to join me.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You don't have to check out.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- No.- What?!- I walk past now... - I agree.- I agree.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I walk past the desk with my card, I put it on the side,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10and you can see them go...
0:28:10 > 0:28:13ready with the castanets, and I go, "Bye."
0:28:15 > 0:28:18"Are you checking out?" I go, "I just have!"
0:28:18 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Even better, you don't even have to give them the card.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27You can just walk straight out.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Oh, no. You've got to give them the card.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- Why have you got to give them the card?- Recycling.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Every time you don't hand back a hotel card,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37a dolphin dies.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40The worst thing is, when you do check in,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43and you've had all that rigmarole of checking in, you get your card,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46you're on the 17th floor, you queue up for the lift,
0:28:46 > 0:28:48you get in the lift, you eventually get to the 17th floor,
0:28:48 > 0:28:51you find the room - it's always very confusing which way is your room -
0:28:51 > 0:28:55you get to the door, and the key doesn't work!
0:28:55 > 0:28:58- Yeah.- How many times has that happened? Oh!
0:28:58 > 0:29:00APPLAUSE
0:29:01 > 0:29:05I fear it's going to happen a lot more for us after tonight.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08I've got so many problems with hotels, I tell you.
0:29:08 > 0:29:13The duvets are the thinnest duvets anyone has ever...
0:29:13 > 0:29:16It's like sleeping under low-lying cloud.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Tell you what I don't like, though.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I don't like turning the... trying to run a bath,
0:29:21 > 0:29:25turning the single tap and getting my arm soaked by the shower.
0:29:26 > 0:29:27That's so true.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31I don't like trying to plug my phone in at night to charge it,
0:29:31 > 0:29:35- and the only socket being near the corridor.- The other side.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39There's one where you don't get a lever, you get dials within dials.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43One of them makes it really hot, one makes that water come down,
0:29:43 > 0:29:47one puts the tap on. Then there's the thing you use to wash your hair,
0:29:47 > 0:29:48that'll come on.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Someone sold those to hotels and hotels said,
0:29:51 > 0:29:55"Yeah, this is a brilliant design. And we'll have the trouser press."
0:29:55 > 0:29:59And those little metal teapots where the tea just comes
0:29:59 > 0:30:01pouring out the lid.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04"We'll have 1,000 of those."
0:30:06 > 0:30:10I hate that thing when there are things out -
0:30:10 > 0:30:12chocolate and fruit -
0:30:12 > 0:30:15and you're not quite sure whether they're free.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18The anxiety...
0:30:18 > 0:30:21I will say to the man, "Are these things free?"
0:30:21 > 0:30:26and if I'm with my girlfriend, she's always going...but I need to know.
0:30:26 > 0:30:30I went into one room and they left me a bottle of champagne.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Well, I'm a recovering alcoholic.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37And I thought, I'm not wasting this. The same room had a bidet.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41And I thought, "Here's a unique opportunity."
0:30:41 > 0:30:43LAUGHTER
0:30:43 > 0:30:47I left there with my manhood smelling like a lottery winner.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57What I don't like is when they say, "Can I help you with your luggage?"
0:30:57 > 0:31:01So they carry it, and then they want, like, £2 or £3 tip.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04You're not helping me, are you? That's not help.
0:31:04 > 0:31:05I don't call that help.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07They're basically saying,
0:31:07 > 0:31:11"I'll show you how to open and close your curtains if you give me £3."
0:31:11 > 0:31:15Or £5, depending on who the person is.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17- Yeah.- £3 is a bit mean, innit?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Well, I stay at quite small hotels, generally.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23No, I do, because they're more excited to have me.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30I once checked into a room. I'd done a gig and I checked into a hotel
0:31:30 > 0:31:33at 1.30 in the morning and the blinds were closed
0:31:33 > 0:31:37on the reception. So I was knocking on the blinds, like this.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41Then I saw there was a phone so I rang the phone, I heard it ring
0:31:41 > 0:31:44the other side of the blind.
0:31:44 > 0:31:50This man opened it up. He had a suit on but nothing underneath the jacket.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53Sort of Frankenstein's monster.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57He'd been sleeping in the reception. That's where he slept
0:31:57 > 0:31:59and I woke him up with the phone.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03He checked me in and I said, "I need a room. I need a taxi
0:32:03 > 0:32:06"in the morning at 7.30 so can you book it for me?"
0:32:06 > 0:32:11And he phoned and he went, "What?! What?!
0:32:11 > 0:32:17"Oh, all right." He put the phone down and went...
0:32:17 > 0:32:20I said... This was at 1.30 in the morning. I said, "What's wrong?"
0:32:20 > 0:32:23He said, "I just accidentally phoned someone in their room."
0:32:29 > 0:32:32So, Adil's choice.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41- AUDIENCE:- Ooh... - Ooh!
0:32:41 > 0:32:44I knew this wasn't going to be popular, but it is ketchup.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48I just find the thing vile. It's so overpowering.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50I mean, it's like, you know,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53I don't see the point of having any food at all -
0:32:53 > 0:32:54just have the ketchup,
0:32:54 > 0:32:57because it takes over the flavour of any chips you might get.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00I mean, that's the reason why you go to a late night kebab joint
0:33:00 > 0:33:03and he'll make sure he's put lots of ketchup on it,
0:33:03 > 0:33:04because he doesn't want to let you taste
0:33:04 > 0:33:06how badly prepared the food is.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09I just think it's a real vile, vile thing
0:33:09 > 0:33:12that overtakes and overpowers decent, quality food.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Either you should eat better or not eat ketchup.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20Wow! FAINT APPLAUSE
0:33:20 > 0:33:23No real enthusiasm with that applause.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25The trouble is with this is
0:33:25 > 0:33:29that ketchup tastes better than most food.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Well, eat better food!
0:33:31 > 0:33:33No. There is no better food.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35There is better food! Cook better.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38I don't think, "Oh, I fancy some chips."
0:33:38 > 0:33:40- I think, "I fancy some ketchup." - Just have the ketchup!
0:33:40 > 0:33:44What am I going to use to transport it to my mouth?
0:33:45 > 0:33:49I think the mistake people make is that they put it on fast food.
0:33:49 > 0:33:54They put it on chips and burgers and stuff, and they taste great anyway.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58What you need to do is put it on healthy food, which tastes terrible.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Let me give you... If you took, like, a healthy plate of stuff,
0:34:02 > 0:34:06like lettuce and stuff, nobody likes that.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Nobody.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11But, you take lettuce, you put a bit of...
0:34:12 > 0:34:15- Ugh.- There you go. Better.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Oh, dear!
0:34:18 > 0:34:20What have you become, Mr Skinner?
0:34:20 > 0:34:22- That's really nice.- Oh!
0:34:24 > 0:34:27APPLAUSE
0:34:28 > 0:34:30My mother, she's a real good cook
0:34:30 > 0:34:33and if you know anything about Asian cooking, it takes such a long time,
0:34:33 > 0:34:37it's delicate, and it's all the spices, all the preparation.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40You marinate it, you leave it in the fridge for four hours.
0:34:40 > 0:34:41She does this, and she loves doing it,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44and she'll do this all day, and the family will come round,
0:34:44 > 0:34:46my uncles and my cousins will come round.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49She'll bring out this biryani and samosas
0:34:49 > 0:34:50and these lovely, fine kebabs,
0:34:50 > 0:34:53serve onto the table, they'll turn around and go,
0:34:53 > 0:34:55"Oh, they're nice. Have you got any ketchup?"
0:34:55 > 0:34:58I mean, that's horrible! My poor mother slaves,
0:34:58 > 0:35:01and they just want to devour this thing with ketchup!
0:35:01 > 0:35:04I don't use condiments much, because I'm a Catholic.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09We have a clip.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11There was a competition staged
0:35:11 > 0:35:15to come up with an inventive way of putting ketchup on food
0:35:15 > 0:35:18and two American guys came up with this.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20This is pretty impressive stuff.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51APPLAUSE
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Fine dining at its best, isn't it?
0:35:56 > 0:36:00When you put ketchup on chips, do you go all over the chips,
0:36:00 > 0:36:03or are you one of those people who does a little pool at the side?
0:36:03 > 0:36:05- On the side, a little pool. - Oh, do you?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08- Always on the side. - You've really got sophisticated.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11- But not on shepherd's pie and that. Then that goes over it.- No.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13You see, I love going all over the chips,
0:36:13 > 0:36:16and then I'll look and there's the chip that's completely covered,
0:36:16 > 0:36:18- the one that's completely escaped it.- Yeah.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22But the people who put it... I don't like...
0:36:22 > 0:36:24This is the sort of thing we're talking about.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26You put it on the side like this.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29If I've got egg and chips and that, then I'll do that, yeah.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32To me, this looks like an artist's palette, you know,
0:36:32 > 0:36:34with the pool of... You could imagine,
0:36:34 > 0:36:37if you could get your thumb through the...
0:36:39 > 0:36:40You could paint.
0:36:43 > 0:36:44See if I can...
0:36:47 > 0:36:50So, you could actually... You could paint.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57This won't take a minute. I do this quite a lot at home.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Hold it. Just the finishing touch.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04What do you think?
0:37:05 > 0:37:07APPLAUSE
0:37:07 > 0:37:09- Not bad.- Very good.
0:37:09 > 0:37:14And in fact, just for you, just to make it that little bit...
0:37:14 > 0:37:18- You can have this for your home, Adil.- Oh, thank you very much.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Very cool. Very cool.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25OK.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27So, we come to the end,
0:37:27 > 0:37:30and I can't put ketchup in.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34I just can't put ketchup in, because it brings such joy to the people,
0:37:34 > 0:37:38and your basic argument seemed to be that you don't like it.
0:37:38 > 0:37:39Yeah!
0:37:42 > 0:37:47Katie, I cannot put people without talent on talent shows in,
0:37:47 > 0:37:50because you're such good company.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56No, I think part of the joy of it is seeing people who are...
0:37:56 > 0:37:58It's like a karaoke night.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Some people are brilliant and some people are terrible,
0:38:00 > 0:38:03and I like that mix, I must say.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07But, Greg, I don't see why we can't just walk in, press a button,
0:38:07 > 0:38:09go to our rooms, walk out, press a button and leave.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Wouldn't life be simpler?
0:38:11 > 0:38:14And then, the people at the desk would be able to do
0:38:14 > 0:38:15more fun and interesting things...
0:38:15 > 0:38:18- I agree.- ..than badger us for our personal details.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22- So, I am going to put check-ins and check-outs...- Yes!
0:38:22 > 0:38:23..into Room 101.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:33 > 0:38:36And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38Well done, Greg, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:38:38 > 0:38:41- so you are this week's winner. - Thank you.- Well done.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:43 > 0:38:48Thanks very much, Greg Davies, Katie Price and Adil Ray,
0:38:48 > 0:38:49and thank you, goodnight.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE