0:00:26 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40the show where three guests battle to get the things they hate
0:00:40 > 0:00:43entombed for all eternity in the dreaded vault.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round
0:00:46 > 0:00:49only one item can be chosen. The final decision is mine.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53He'll make you laugh, James Acaster,
0:00:53 > 0:00:54she'll make you think, Kirsty Wark,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56he'll make you dinner, Heston Blumenthal.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:06BELL RINGS
0:01:06 > 0:01:09OK, what's winding up James?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Don't really need to explain that, do I?
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Probably the worst of all the animals, I'd say.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Lairy, but unjustifiably lairy.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I don't really believe a goose could handle itself,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32but it fronts it all the time.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Like, a swan, we know, can break your arm,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39and geese are just like the people who hang out with the bigger kids.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Just go up to you, going, "Nah,"
0:01:41 > 0:01:44and you know you could punch it, but it's a goose.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- We have a clip, actually. - Oh, God.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Of a man in a canoe enjoying a beautiful day's canoeing.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I rest my case.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I don't know what your antipathy to geese is.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I mean...(foie gras)!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20What did you just say to me?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- WHISPERS:- Foie gras.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- Huh?- Oh, foie gras! I thought you said something else then.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Yeah, I thought...
0:02:26 > 0:02:27LAUGHTER
0:02:27 > 0:02:28What time does this show go out?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I mean, geese are not all bad.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Are you talking about eating geese, in terms of, like..?
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Oh, goose is good.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Yeah, but like, Heston, you could probably make something
0:02:39 > 0:02:41that tastes like a goose that isn't a goose.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Put some paprika in a duck.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53I got a proposal for a TV show once, from this production company,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57and there's this whole issue of sustainability seafood.
0:02:57 > 0:03:03So the tuna stocks are disappearing. So Heston reinvents tuna!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I actually came up with a new breed of fish.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Did you proper come up with a new breed of fish,
0:03:09 > 0:03:13or did you just gaffer tape some flippers to a cat?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- How can you reinvent tuna? - Eat that!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- I wouldn't lie to you. - LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:23We did this Christmas show where we took a goose
0:03:23 > 0:03:26and decided to feed it Christmas tree.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Not a whole Christmas tree?
0:03:28 > 0:03:29No, it was pine essential oil.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Is that why they swim like that?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- It's the Christmas tree formation. - Yeah!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You fed it Christmas tree?! Wow.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40We made this feed and we thought, if we thought it was nice,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and then the geese ate it, then it would be really nice to eat.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46So we did it for about two months before they killed the goose.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50How did you kill it? Did it choke on a bauble?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52No, I didn't have anything to do with that,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54but I had to go and choose the goose.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58I had to go into this pen, and this flipping thing went for me,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01and it hissed, and its neck went forward, and it...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03What you need, you needed one of these.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07DUCK QUACK
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I can hear them hitting the window at the back of the building!
0:04:14 > 0:04:19What's amazing about this though, is if you hear geese fly over,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21they all have a great variety of sounds.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25It's amazing. I've tried to recreate this for people
0:04:25 > 0:04:27who don't live in goose country.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32DIFFERENTLY PITCHED SQUEAKING
0:04:32 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Anyone who switches on now,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40they'll think this is Tubular Bells live.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48One of my problems with geese is they nearly killed Rod Stewart.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Are you aware of this?- No.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52This was quite a big news story. Anyone?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Are you thinking about Rod Hull?- No!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- No, not him.- No?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04There it is, look.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07So you see the headline. You think, "I wonder what happened",
0:05:07 > 0:05:11and then it says, "Star tells of fear as goose hits engine".
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I once went to an audience with Rod Stewart,
0:05:15 > 0:05:19and you know they used to have all the questions set up in advance?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21And he said, "No, no, I just want to do it spontaneously.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25"I don't want celebrities at the front, I want them at the back.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"I just want the public. I want real questions".
0:05:27 > 0:05:29So he did a couple of songs. Brilliant.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31He said to this guy, "Got a question?"
0:05:31 > 0:05:35The guy said, "Yeah, why don't you make good albums like you used to in the '70s?"
0:05:35 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You know they have teeth as well.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Where?
0:05:44 > 0:05:48They have teeth, not only in their beak but also on their tongue.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Oh, I hate them so much.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Ugh!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Oh, my God! Right. I've won the round.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59There's no way I've not won.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Look at that.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03APPLAUSE
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Also, if you ever feed bread to ducks,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10a goose always comes along and bullies everyone.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Just bullies everyone.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Everyone's got to step back. The goose is gobbling it all.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19That's how it eats.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Like that. Who eats like that?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Just vibrating their whole head, all the way down the neck,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27then walks away thinking, "Nailed that. Everyone thinks I'm cool".
0:06:27 > 0:06:29No-one thinks you're cool, goose.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Anyway...
0:06:34 > 0:06:36..on to Kirsty.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Men who wear too much aftershave.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Imagine you're on an early flight from Glasgow to London,
0:06:49 > 0:06:53and you're beside this guy, and he is wearing overpowering aftershave.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57And, what's more, the reason he's wearing overpowering aftershave
0:06:57 > 0:06:59is he hasn't bothered to shower.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- Early morning, this is not a good look.- Mmm.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05And it got me thinking about aftershave,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07and I don't know if any of you remember,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10but do you remember when Brut 33 was the thing that everybody wore,
0:07:10 > 0:07:11men and women?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14But it was advertised by Henry Cooper and Kevin Keegan,
0:07:14 > 0:07:18neither of whom you could say were handsome chaps.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22So people were obviously not wearing it because they thought
0:07:22 > 0:07:24they could be like them - they just liked the smell.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28But now, men put on things like, well, you know ...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30David Beckham advertises it.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Brad Pitt.- Mmm.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33David Gandy.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Yes.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Frank Skinner.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38No, I really...
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I mean, really, who possibly can think they would be like them,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44just because they wear that aftershave?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- It is so horrible.- I can...
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I have to say, Heston is wearing a tinge of something.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I'm not quite sure. I think it's a very upmarket one.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57I think it's one designed for, kind of, sexual allure.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I thought Heston would go for, sort of, salt and vinegar.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:12I tell you what, I've always loved... I've seen women do this.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13This is one of my favourites.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18- I always thought that you did a bit on the wrist...- Nah. - ..with cologne.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20But I've seen women do this.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I love that! I love that!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I like to look - I've played this game with friends.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Celebrities.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38Which male celebrities do you think slap on a lot of old cologne,
0:08:38 > 0:08:39just from looking at them?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Daniel Craig. - Daniel Craig, very probably.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Paul Hollywood.- Yes.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Ooh, yes. - I think that's a good call. Yes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I've always thought Pierce Brosnan.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Yeah.- Ooh.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56That slightly squinty eyes is him thinking, "Phew!"
0:09:01 > 0:09:04See, how many men in the audience wear aftershave?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06None!
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Come on.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I'm sorry. That's just not true, is it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- How many wear cologne?- Whoo!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15That man wears cologne. Have you got it on now?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I'm just going to check this guy out.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24You look like a dog greeting someone!
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Not quite.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I couldn't smell a damn thing. You've been done.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Have you got the word "cologne" mixed up with the word "lager"?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I think men either wear cologne or read books.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- There's no crossover at all... - Yeah.- ..between them.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- I'll use a balm, but I can't... - No!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54The idea of having a fragrance...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Do you put a face cream on? - Face cream?- Yeah.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- What, as in moisturiser? - Yeah.- Yeah, unscented!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:06And even then only if I'm about to swim the Channel.
0:10:07 > 0:10:13I tell you what the worst ever slogan for any man's smelly thing,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16was when they brought out the 007 brand.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20They cashed in on, you know, James Bond being absolutely massive.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Watch out for their lovely slogan.
0:10:30 > 0:10:36If your man lives for excitement, give him...007.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39There's a 007 gift set for every assignment.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41This one packs the full line,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44including 007 aftershave, hairdressing and cologne.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46That's 007,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48for the licence to kill...
0:10:48 > 0:10:49women.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- I rest my case!- Yes!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- "Licence" spelt wrong.- Yes.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I'm glad that's your only objection!
0:11:05 > 0:11:09OK, so let's see what Heston has gone for.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15People that put milk in tea first.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Me!- Oh, I got a "me" then. That's a good start.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20One bloke.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21What's the problem?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I have to say that I am one of these people.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Where do I start?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28If someone is going to whack a teabag in a mug,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30and you pour milk in first,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33it doesn't pull out the flavour of the teabag as much.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34You've had that.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Yeah, because it's not boiling.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Tea, cold milk, tea, pour the water in.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41The water is not hot enough to start with, which is where it comes from.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44It originates when tea was...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47So, Cutty Sark days, that was what the Cutty Sark did.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It transported tea.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Biggest taxes in Britain at the time were on tea.- Yes.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55We've gone into the history of tea here, which is...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57But what happened was it was considered...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00They might not look like they've got homes, but many of them have.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02APPLAUSE
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- Because tea was a prized thing.- Yes.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09It was drunk in china cups, pure bone china cups,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11and they were incredibly delicate.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14So if the water was too hot and you poured it into the cup they'd break.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- I see.- So what they did was pour a bit of milk in first,
0:12:17 > 0:12:22to protect the cup from breaking, and that's where it came from.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25But I always feel I'm giving the teabag a bit of a treat
0:12:25 > 0:12:27to put it in milk.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31It's a bit like, you know Cleopatra used to bathe in asses' milk?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I see it lying there like that.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I get very involved with, you know if I ever use, like,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41soluble tablets, I always feel for them, because I think
0:12:41 > 0:12:44they're coming out the packet and think, "Wow, this looks great.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"Oh, swimming. Argh!"
0:12:48 > 0:12:53I also find, if you don't do that, if you put the milk into the tea,
0:12:53 > 0:12:58- you get that sort of scummy stuff on the surface.- No, you don't.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- You really do. - If you put warm milk in...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I proved this today. Other people doubted me.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06This was the surface of my tea, having put the milk in second.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- No, no.- That is true. That's real.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Every morning I make a cup of tea.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I drink probably 10, 15 cups a day.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- Do you?- Up to 20. I've never ever had that.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Everyone has gone quiet!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- You've never had that? - It's like a revelation.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23It's like you've just said you've got a drug addiction.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Everyone went, "Oh, my God. Heston's on 15 a day".
0:13:26 > 0:13:28This has become an intervention now.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31What do you see in that?
0:13:31 > 0:13:36I see the Very Hungry Caterpillar flying over Cyprus.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38That's what I see.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42How do you know - when you pour the tea out of a teapot,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44if somebody puts the milk in first,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46you don't know how strong the tea is.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- That's the excitement! - If you put it in first...
0:13:48 > 0:13:52The whole excitement is guessing how much milk to put in.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54You know, some people bungee jump...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Some people have a gap year in war-torn territories.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00I put the milk in first.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Can I make a point as well?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You can walk into the cheapest, nastiest cafe in Britain
0:14:06 > 0:14:08and get a beautiful cup of tea.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10If you walk into a posh restaurant,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13like what Heston Blumenthal has, it's always horrible.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Don't get me wrong. I've been to Heston's restaurant,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24and the food is absolutely incredible.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Absolutely incredible.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28But, you know, I didn't even bother ordering the tea.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I knew it would be terrible.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33You get tea in some posh restaurants.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36They bring hot water here, teabag here.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38It's like a kit!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42It's not IKEA.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I want them to make it for me, is the idea.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Do you wish you had someone to do it, a flunky to do it for you?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Well, if I'm in a restaurant, paying,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I think somebody could knock it together for me before it arrives.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59They don't bring me raw pork chops and a Calor Gas stove.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- That would be his place. - Ah, that's...
0:15:02 > 0:15:06APPLAUSE
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I have some tea here which I'd like us all to try.
0:15:10 > 0:15:16This tea is what the Chinese call pearl tea. And can I tell you...
0:15:16 > 0:15:22that it is made from the faeces of moth larvae.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I'll stop you before you pour that - I'm OK.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31Is the milk made of wasp semen or something?
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Yeah.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36You should have seen how much they stung me for that.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Can you wait so that we all drink...- Oh, yeah! I'll wait!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- ..so that we all drink together. - I'll wait a very long time.
0:15:47 > 0:15:491984.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Moth larvae faeces.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- OK, ready?- Ready.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Good health! Let's do it!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Here goes.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59KIRSTY GAGS
0:15:59 > 0:16:05Oh, God... Cut to me in court saying "When I handed her the tea, she seemed perfectly well."
0:16:06 > 0:16:08This is lukewarm.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Yes, well...it's been out of the moth for some time.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21What do you think? I'll come and get them. What do you think, James?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- It's smoky.- It's a bit like damp wood.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25If you go for a walk in the woods.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Not as bad as you'd expect, actually.- No!
0:16:27 > 0:16:28You bloody loved it!
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Yeah, I think it's fabulous. You did try it, Kirsty?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I think the one with rabbit faeces is better.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Yes, do you like one lump or two?
0:16:45 > 0:16:49My mum would put two spoonfuls of sugar in every cup of tea
0:16:49 > 0:16:52she ever made, and if anyone came round the house she'd give them
0:16:52 > 0:16:54a cup of tea and say, "Do you take sugar?"
0:16:54 > 0:16:57and if they said no, she'd say, "Don't stir it".
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:06Anyway, I don't feel you argued your case as well as you could
0:17:06 > 0:17:08about milk going in first.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10It's something I've done for a long time,
0:17:10 > 0:17:14and I thought you were dismissive of my surface scum.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15That was an old cup of tea.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20And, er, geese.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23With geese, they are nasty little things,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26but the fact that they have all these magical things
0:17:26 > 0:17:28which allows them to fly in a V formation,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I'll forgive them almost anything for that.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33The Nazis were organised!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Look, it's too late to change your choice now.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:55But, I don't understand why men need to smell like these strange,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59weird musk and spirulina mixtures.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It's just wrong.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06I am going to put men who wear too much aftershave into Room 101.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:18OK.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20BELL RINGS
0:18:20 > 0:18:23What is up Kirsty's sleeve?
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Plastic flowers.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29APPLAUSE
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Oh, please!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Plastic flowers are a total failure of imagination.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41They remind me of every bad bed and breakfast I've ever been in.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Plastic flowers, nylon sheets,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47and in the lavatory, over the loo roll,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51a knitted lady with a Barbie coming out the top.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53That's what they represent.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56And I've been in a crematorium where there's plastic flowers.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00A friend of mine has been at a wedding where she was a bridesmaid
0:19:00 > 0:19:02and there were plastic flowers!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I mean, they're just so, so...
0:19:05 > 0:19:10- I can't even be in a room with them. I find them offensive.- Wow.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I'm sure you're not...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18You're not including these, are you?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22But they do a dance, don't they?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24They'll dance to me. They'll dance to me talking.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27They'll dance to me doing the William Tell Overture
0:19:27 > 0:19:30on my fingers and thumbs. Here we go.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33HE CLICKS AND CLAPS RHYTHM
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Now, come on!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Loves the applause, that one.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I'm switching this off. It's starting to terrify me.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58They just seem incredibly tired and forlorn and sad.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I think that's what I hate about plastic flowers more than anything.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04They are just sad, and saddos have them.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10APPLAUSE
0:20:11 > 0:20:14What about waxed fruit? How do you feel about that?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I don't like waxed fruit.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Consistent.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20See?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I think plastic flowers...
0:20:22 > 0:20:26There are some nasty ones, but some of them can be lovely, I think.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Which ones?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32What about these on a stag night?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- Come on!- I give you that.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38You couldn't have real ones, they'd get covered in vomit.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40AUDIENCE: Eurgh! They'd perish.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46How do you feel... This is the key question for me,
0:20:46 > 0:20:50because I'm kind of, you know when you go to the greengrocers,
0:20:50 > 0:20:56and you get that synthetic grass with the vegetables on it,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59just to make the vegetables and fruit feel at home.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02What do you think about that, Kirsty?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03I don't like that.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- You don't like this stuff? - No. I don't like that.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- I like this stuff so much.- Oh, no.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11No, really.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I don't think you'll like this then, Kirsty.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER
0:21:27 > 0:21:28What do you think?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- There's a certain je ne c'est quoi. - Feel that. Come on!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Yeah. Eh?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Imagine a couple of parsnips lying across that.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41That's a chat-up line I haven't used before.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- She will not be won over, Kirsty. - I will not be won over.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47I sense that.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Right. You argue your case well there.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53So, let us go to Heston's choice.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01- It's food that doesn't taste as good as you remember.- Oh.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04We have foods that we used to love as kids,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and then sometimes you get to try them,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10you've haven't tried them for years, and they just don't taste the same.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14It's not necessarily about the food changing.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It's the fact that our memory, when we were a kid...
0:22:17 > 0:22:19So, the excitement of an ice cream from an ice cream van,
0:22:19 > 0:22:24- you know, we're that big, so everything seems massive.- Mmm.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26And the same thing happens when you get older.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28For example, you've got a long weekend and you go to
0:22:28 > 0:22:32the Loire Valley, and you're sitting by the river with your missus
0:22:32 > 0:22:35and you're having lunch and the sun is just shimmering on the water.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Grass is softly waving in the wind, in the warm breeze.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40You paint a lovely picture.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44And then you've got the ice bucket. The bottle goes in.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47The chink of the ice cubes, pop of the cork, pour the wine,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49and you taste it, and you go,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52"My God, I've never tasted Muscadet like this before.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53"It's fantastic."
0:22:53 > 0:22:55So what do you do?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56You buy 75 cases,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00strap them to your car and then drive back.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03And then you invite all your gastronomic friends
0:23:03 > 0:23:04and your boss over and you think,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"This is going to surprise them so much",
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and then you pour the wine and you taste it and go, "This is horrible".
0:23:10 > 0:23:13That's like holiday romances.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Yes...
0:23:18 > 0:23:23I don't invite the friends around, but I mean apart from that...
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I don't drink, but I'm sure if I did drink now it wouldn't be like I...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Well, I don't remember it, so ...
0:23:29 > 0:23:32It's the same with the foods that you remember as a kid
0:23:32 > 0:23:34that were so exciting.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36You know, we just kind of assume that they've changed the food
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- or they've changed the recipe.- Mmm.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40But there's such a ritualization with food.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42So if you look at, say, a Kit Kat,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- a Kit Kat used to have the silver foil round it.- Yeah.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48And then the paper wrapper, and there was a whole ritual,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51some people would rub their fingers over to get the imprint of "Kit Kat"
0:23:51 > 0:23:52- through the foil.- Oh, yeah!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Or running your nail between the two and snapping it.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Some people take the chocolate off first.- Me.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Can I say, children,
0:23:59 > 0:24:04this is what middle-aged people talk about after you've gone to bed.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:10So you can change the taste of a food by the temperature of a room,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13by the colour of the room, by the sounds you hear.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15You can speed people's eating by up to 15%
0:24:15 > 0:24:17by playing loud rock music.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19That would explain Meat Loaf.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:29- I find that certain things, for example, Toblerone...- Yeah.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Toblerone are as dangerous now
0:24:31 > 0:24:33as they were when I was eating them as a child.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I have never eaten a Toblerone without some bruising.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41I actually got a finger wedged in a Toblerone,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44between two adjacent pyramids.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Actually wedged there.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51I had to wait for it to melt to get some...
0:24:51 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Do you know about the bear? Toblerone bear?
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Every single bar of Toblerone, there is a shadow of a bear.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- What?- Every single bar of Toblerone, every single bar,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06there is a shadow of a bear.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I've eaten Toblerone all my life and I've never known that.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13That's thrown you, hasn't it?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16It's funny you should mention that, Heston,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18because it just so happens
0:25:18 > 0:25:20we have a picture of that very same phenomenon.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Yeah.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29JAMES MIMICS EXPLOSION
0:25:31 > 0:25:34So, what about James' choice?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I realise now I actually misread your choice.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- You can't not like the shot put, can you?- Oh, I can.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Who here is a fan of the shot put?
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Whoo! Yay!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02One guy...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04and he's a liar.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Here's the problem. At the Olympics everyone does their stuff.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12It's amazing - you see people doing things, you go, "I couldn't do that.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13"That looks incredible".
0:26:13 > 0:26:16The shot put, it just looks rubbish.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17They throw it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Literally, he's here, and he throws it, and it lands...there.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26And I know it's heavy, but I've never held a shot put,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29so I don't know how heavy it actually is, so I've got no context.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33All I'm seeing on TV is someone throw a ball a little way.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37There's a certain method, though.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40You have to hold it tight to your chin and straighten the arm.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41- Yeah, you've got to do that.- Yeah.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44How's that fun?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47The Berlin 1938 Olympics, got a big cheer every time.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50LAUGHTER
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Let's have a look.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54This is a shot putter called Leila Rajabi.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I think she's the one on the right.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01LAUGHTER
0:27:01 > 0:27:04But you have to admire the amount of effort, surely,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06that's going into that?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I'm sure, as an Olympian, or as a shot putter,
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- it is very hard and you've got to train a long time for it.- Yes.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17But as a spectator, no-one is watching that going,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19"Oh!
0:27:19 > 0:27:23"Nearly as good as last time that man threw the ball a little way".
0:27:25 > 0:27:30On the subject of the weight, for a man, the shot put is 7.2kg,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32which is...you'll like this.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35It's the size of an average size dachshund.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Now that sounds much more enjoyable.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Yeah. Instantly a better sport!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Throw it into a big hotdog roll.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48And the female one is 4kg,
0:27:48 > 0:27:54which is the equivalent to the average weight of a domestic cat.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I like that.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- A domestic cat would work better in the hammer.- Yeah.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00If you had the room, of course.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06What I wish we had, of course, what would be ideal,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09is if we had some fabulous shot putter to come on.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Say, the only British woman to have ever won
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- an international shot put medal. - Oh, Jesus.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Someone like, er, Sophie McKinna. Here she is, Sophie McKinna!
0:28:18 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:32This is James.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Hello, Sophie McKinna.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Hi, James. Nice to meet you.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38What we thought is the best way to settle this
0:28:38 > 0:28:42is if you and Sophie have a contest.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Great idea!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47You're all right with a big lead weight flying over?
0:28:48 > 0:28:52No, what we are going to do, we're going to use a tangerine,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54a small tangerine.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Are you all right with chucking a tangerine?
0:28:56 > 0:28:58- Of course, yeah. Give it a go. - You..!
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Hold on.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06I have a... I'm going to let you choose your weapons.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08What we need is a shot circle.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11- You know the thing that they swing...?- Yeah.
0:29:11 > 0:29:12Here it comes.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15I'm afraid to go anywhere near her because I feel I've made her angry.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21So if anyone can catch the tangerine they'll get a special prize.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- Would you like to choose your ... - You first.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30Choose your tangerine.
0:29:31 > 0:29:32Oh, come on.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34He's weighing them!
0:29:34 > 0:29:35Yeah, straight in, Sophie.
0:29:37 > 0:29:38- Have I got to do the...?- Yeah.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41- Do you want a bit of advice from Sophie?- Yeah, give me a pointer.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43- Are you right-handed?- Yeah.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46- So put your left foot against the stop board, like that.- Yeah.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Then stand your right foot astride.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Bring it forward a little bit to mine. Yeah.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Then tangerine tight in your neck.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55- There?- And then... Yeah. ..bend your right knee,
0:29:55 > 0:29:57and bring your shoulders back to me. No, like this.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00LAUGHTER
0:30:01 > 0:30:03And your head this way as well.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06- Yeah.- And then obviously turn and throw.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Here we go. Get ready to catch.
0:30:09 > 0:30:10OK.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Ready?
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Whoa!
0:30:16 > 0:30:18That was pretty good.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20APPLAUSE
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Who did that land next to?
0:30:25 > 0:30:26Yes.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28This lady. So, you're the official marker.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Thank you so much. So it's over to Sophie.
0:30:35 > 0:30:36Feel a bit pressured now.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Whoa!
0:30:40 > 0:30:43APPLAUSE
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Has it actually landed yet?
0:30:56 > 0:30:59I'm hoping you two can shake hands and agree to differ on this one.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01And a massive hand for Sophie McKinna!
0:31:01 > 0:31:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Cheers, Sophie. Thanks a lot.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Anyway, I think you'd agree after that
0:31:19 > 0:31:21we can't possibly put the shot put in.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24I mean, that was just a spectacular thing,
0:31:24 > 0:31:27and it's just made me a big fan of the sport now.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Um, food that doesn't... Yeah, it's difficult, that, isn't it?
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Because it is a terrible disappointment.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36I don't think I can put plastic flowers in,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39because I remember when they were invented,
0:31:39 > 0:31:41or when it seemed like they got popular,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43and, you know, they were in chip shops and things.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Places where normal flowers would have perished.
0:31:46 > 0:31:51I'm going to put food that doesn't taste like we remember it tasting
0:31:51 > 0:31:52into Room 101.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55APPLAUSE
0:32:04 > 0:32:07OK, we've just got time to hear a bonus choice.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Let's see what's James has gone for.
0:32:15 > 0:32:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:20 > 0:32:23I know it's going to split people,
0:32:23 > 0:32:25but that's part of the reason I hate it.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28There's loads of songs I don't like - it's fine,
0:32:28 > 0:32:31but I'm going to hear that song for the rest of my life until I'm dead,
0:32:31 > 0:32:33and I don't like that.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37I don't like the fact that it will always come up at weddings, in pubs,
0:32:37 > 0:32:40everywhere. And I hate it when I'm in a bar or something
0:32:40 > 0:32:42and it's on and everyone's dancing
0:32:42 > 0:32:44and the DJ puts the volume down on the chorus
0:32:44 > 0:32:47and everyone goes, "Woh-oh!" You bunch of idiots.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Why are you all doing that? None of you love it.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52It's no-one's favourite song. You've all been brainwashed
0:32:52 > 0:32:55into going along with Livin' On A Prayer when it comes on
0:32:55 > 0:32:57and everyone is just...it's so bad.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01Oh, man, I hate it. Just put it in now. I hate it so much.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Can I ask you a question?
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Normally, the DJs you've experienced,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- do they just go down for the, "Woh-oh"?- Yeah.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Or do they stay out for "Livin' On A Prayer" as well?
0:33:12 > 0:33:14They go down for the "Woh-oh" bit
0:33:14 > 0:33:17and then everyone goes along with "Livin' On A Prayer."
0:33:17 > 0:33:22I've always thought the true test of a DJ is Hi Ho Silver Lining.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26- Yeah.- It's the one that doesn't cut off the "It's",
0:33:26 > 0:33:30so you want the "And it's..." And then you... Let's try it. We've actually got that here.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33I hope you're going to join in on this.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36# Saying everything is groovy... #
0:33:36 > 0:33:41- Here we go.- "..when you're tyres are flat, and it's...
0:33:41 > 0:33:45ALL: # Hi ho silver lining... #
0:33:45 > 0:33:48- It's what people love! - # ..and away you go, oh, baby...
0:33:48 > 0:33:50All right, all right.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53I accept that song. That's a nice song.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56- Well, let's try it with Living On A Prayer, shall we?- Oh, my God.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59Here we go.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03# Oh, we're halfway there
0:34:03 > 0:34:07ALL: # Woh-oh, Livin' On A Prayer. #
0:34:07 > 0:34:10They all look like a bunch of idiots!
0:34:10 > 0:34:14- You can't call them a bunch of idiots!- A bunch of idiots.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16I looked out when you did Hi Ho Silver Lining,
0:34:16 > 0:34:19you looked happy. There was happiness in your eyes.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21When you did that, there was a look of, "Oh, kill me now."
0:34:21 > 0:34:24None of you know anyone who used to work on the docks.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27LAUGHTER
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Well, can I try one more with the audience?
0:34:29 > 0:34:32If they can do this one I'll be really impressed.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35THE ARCHERS THEME TUNE
0:34:36 > 0:34:39THEY HUM ALONG Very good!
0:34:39 > 0:34:42I wish that was what was played.
0:34:42 > 0:34:47I'd be in a club or a bar and they'd play that for once.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50I'd go, "Yeah, not what I thought it was going to be."
0:34:50 > 0:34:54Every time Livin' On A Prayer comes on, it's like, "Oh, here we are again."
0:34:54 > 0:34:57But what creates anthems? I mean, think of some of the great anthems.
0:34:57 > 0:35:02Chelsea Daggers, played at every single football match in Scotland.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05But then they play Do A Deer.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07- Yes!- What is that about?!
0:35:07 > 0:35:09No, it's very hard.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13I think to write a really good football anthem is almost impossible.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16LAUGHTER
0:35:16 > 0:35:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:35:22 > 0:35:25We have a clip of someone who disagrees with you.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29This is from an American basketball game
0:35:29 > 0:35:33and you know when they pan around the crowd?
0:35:33 > 0:35:37This is a man who I think probably likes Livin' On A Prayer.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40INTRO TO LIVIN' ON A PRAYER
0:35:45 > 0:35:48# Tommy used to work on the docks
0:35:48 > 0:35:52# Union's been on strike He's down on his luck
0:35:52 > 0:35:53# It's tough...
0:35:56 > 0:35:58# So tough
0:35:58 > 0:36:02# We've got each other and that's a lot
0:36:02 > 0:36:06# For love we'll give it a shot
0:36:06 > 0:36:10# Whoa, we're half way there
0:36:10 > 0:36:14# Woh-oh, livin' on a prayer. #
0:36:14 > 0:36:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Come on!
0:36:20 > 0:36:22That is fantastic!
0:36:22 > 0:36:25He even looks like me!
0:36:25 > 0:36:29- I don't like this song at all. - Thank you.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32But I watched that bloke and there was one bit when I wanted to pluck an apple.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Of a tree.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36That's the bad thing about it as well -
0:36:36 > 0:36:39even if you don't like it, it can somehow get you.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41It's like when people slow down on the other side of the motorway
0:36:41 > 0:36:44- when there's a traffic jam or an accident...- Yeah, yeah.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46You know it's wrong, but they can't help doing it.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49So you're comparing that with a man...
0:36:49 > 0:36:52dancing to a song in an exuberant fashion?
0:36:52 > 0:36:54I think I'd probably say it's as bad.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Yeah, it is... I'll go along with Heston -
0:36:56 > 0:36:59it's as bad as an accident on a motorway.
0:36:59 > 0:37:00LAUGHTER
0:37:01 > 0:37:06OK, what I gather from this is you don't like Livin' On A Prayer.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09I can't stand Livin' On A Prayer,
0:37:09 > 0:37:14but I didn't realise it until you talked about it.
0:37:14 > 0:37:15So although it's a bit eccentric,
0:37:15 > 0:37:20I am going to put the song Livin' On A Prayer into Room 101.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:32 > 0:37:34That brings us to the end of the show.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37Well done, James, you were this week's most persuasive guest,
0:37:37 > 0:37:38so you are this week's winner.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Thanks very much, James Acaster, Kirsty Wark
0:37:43 > 0:37:45and Heston Blumenthal, and thank you. Good night!
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Subtitles by Ericsson
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Anyone want a tangerine?