0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates exiled
0:00:41 > 0:00:43for ever to the dreaded vault.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Joining me tonight are queen of the dance floor Claudia Winkleman,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51king of the questions John Humphrys, and joker in the pack Russell Kane.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05And so to another instalment of Game Of Moans.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Hey-hey!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10It was. It was good. I know, it was good.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:13No, don't go too far.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17OK. So, what is John's choice?
0:01:23 > 0:01:24AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Go, Johnny. Go, Johnny.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- I've lost already, haven't I?- No.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37It's all over. Whooping in audiences.... Shall I leave now?
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- No.- Come on, that was pretty good by the audience. Fair play.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I'll say.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Straight in there.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46It's awful. Do you know what?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47You're not going to believe this.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51It'll shock you to the very core of your being, Frank, my dear fellow.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Gardeners' Question Time on Radio 4. Hallowed institution.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- Any of you listen to it?- Yes. - Of course you do.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whoo!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'm so regretting this.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12All the things I could have put in...
0:02:12 > 0:02:17Anyway, Gardeners' Question Time, at the end of the programme, somebody
0:02:17 > 0:02:25in a Radio 4 audience, the home service of the BBC, went, "Whoo!"
0:02:25 > 0:02:26I mean, it wasn't a big one.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You know, but it was a... it was a...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It might have been an owl.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- That is...that is hard to... - It is.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Yeah.- It is. And I thought, "That's it. It's all over."
0:02:37 > 0:02:38I never get whoops.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Do you ever get whoops, Russell, when you're on stage?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- When you first walk on... - No, I never get whoops.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46A whoop and cheer. That staring, menacing silence.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47There's Frank.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50For me a good reception is
0:02:50 > 0:02:53if they're all generally looking in my direction.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58What about a nativity, and your child...
0:02:58 > 0:02:59and it's absolutely brilliant.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Is it just not...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Oh, God, no. You don't applaud them at all.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I mean, children have to be brought up to face the real world, and
0:03:09 > 0:03:13if you start applauding them, where will it all...? They'll expect it.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I think I would have whooped at THE Nativity.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Oh, yeah. God, yeah.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I think that's fair enough. Quite a big event.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22And she's a virgin. Amazing.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Whoo!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28One of the things I do like is when an audience... When they're
0:03:28 > 0:03:33quiet, but they've taken the trouble to write signs, so they can
0:03:33 > 0:03:36do it beautifully in silence, but make quite interesting points.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Are you aware of this phenomenon? - No.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43This is a woman cheering the crowds on in an American marathon.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- That's brilliant. - That's better than any whoop.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I think that's fantastic.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55I went to the London Marathon.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You know people have their names on their back so you can cheer them?
0:03:58 > 0:04:03I shouted "Flora" about five times before I worked out...
0:04:04 > 0:04:08And this one, incredibly, is at an ice hockey game.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17That's quite advanced irony for an American.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18That's so funny.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Do you know what I find produces a whoop from a British audience,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22because of our humour?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23It's when something goes wrong.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Like one of the best gigs I've ever had was when I fell off stage,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30and as soon as I got back up, everyone was like, "I know it's wrong, because he's crippled
0:04:30 > 0:04:31"and he'll never perform again,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34but that is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36"Whoo! His leg's broken".
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I've been in what I would like to call show business
0:04:38 > 0:04:41for nearly 30 years, but without doubt the biggest cheer
0:04:41 > 0:04:45I ever got was when I dropped my full tray in the school dinner hall.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- That's what I'm talking about. - That's exactly right.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- It was deafening. Deafening.- When you're on holiday, you learn the
0:04:54 > 0:04:57hard way it's not culturally normal to cheer when a glass is dropped.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00If you're in Italy, "Way-hey! Pick it up, you idiot.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry, sorry."
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- ITALIAN ACCENT:- "My glass is destroyed. It makes no sense. Why you cheering?"
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Where we come from, we cheer at disaster because we're so uptight.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13We love it.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It is a beautiful thing, this.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17You know when they talk about someone working a crowd?
0:05:17 > 0:05:22This is a small child who realises what that concept is all about.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26CHEERING
0:05:30 > 0:05:32CHEERING
0:05:34 > 0:05:36CHEERING
0:05:42 > 0:05:45CHEERING
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Frank, that is so disappointing!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I was waiting for the point at which the steam roller came on
0:05:51 > 0:05:53and went...!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:57BOOING
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Just one last clip from America I have to show.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08This is how to guarantee an ecstatic response from an audience.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12We've all tried to get that, but this, absolutely guaranteed.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- This is Oprah Winfrey, showing how it's done.- Oh.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Cue the drum roll. All right, open your boxes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Open your boxes. One, two, three.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21ALL SCREAM
0:06:24 > 0:06:26You get a car. You get a car.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28You get a car. You get a car.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Everybody gets a car.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Everybody gets a car!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Simple as that.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Look at John's face. Horrified.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Yeah. We're going to try it on Today next week.- Yeah.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48We're certainly not trying it tonight.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER AND BOOING
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- That's how to do it. - It's pretty...- Yeah. That's class.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- It's pretty special, I must say. - Yeah.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02OK, then. Let's find out what's winding up Russell Kane.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:12WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:19 > 0:07:20This genuinely wasn't planned.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23This is one thing I would like to put in Room 101,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26is men who get grumpier with age.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28What?!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Not because I've got any problems with these men,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34although it would be nice to be around men in their 50s,
0:07:34 > 0:07:3660s and 70s who are happy all the time.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39It's just that I think men would be healthier, happier creatures,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42if we weren't so miserable. Most men - not all men.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Now and again you do see a happy old man, but it...it's something you stop and point at in the street.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49You see like a Norman Wisdom, "Look at that happy old man. It's amazing."
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"I don't know. I don't know what the secret is. I've always been like it."
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Most men are walking along, going, "Why am I alive?"
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Some men get so miserable they can only laugh, you know, if they
0:07:59 > 0:08:02see, I don't know, if they see a car written off on the M25 motorway.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Look at the state of that Jaguar.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06"That'll never run again. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:08:08 > 0:08:12We live, men of this country, five to seven years less than women.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Doesn't happen in every country. - AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whoo!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19And my theory... It's women cheering! My theory is this.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21We think ourselves to death. Yeah?
0:08:21 > 0:08:26The less happy you are, the less likely you are to live a long and happy life.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Lonely people die before. Now, we know that on the whole, women
0:08:28 > 0:08:31tend to be - not always - more emotionally connected than men.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33If they've got a problem, they get their friends over.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"Hey, I got Claud over. I got Tess over. We talked about the problem.
0:08:36 > 0:08:42"There wasn't a solution, but we lit a candle, and do you know? I feel better just for talking about it."
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Whereas men... - Because that's how it works.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Whereas men will be like, "I have a problem.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"I'm going to hold it inside till it's a diamond then poo it out and die".
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Now, the evidence is, in cultures
0:08:53 > 0:08:57like parts of Sicily, Sardinia, Japan, where there
0:08:57 > 0:08:59are villages where men can't sort of do that isolation thing,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"I need time on my own", and the houses are full of aunts and grandmas
0:09:02 > 0:09:06and daughters, the men's mortality rate equalises with the women.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09We are literally, by being grumpy, thinking ourselves to death.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11We go, "I'm not going to speak to anyone".
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Heart attack, death at 60, leaving behind a generation of women,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17relatively young these days, who then have to pretend to grieve.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21"How will I survive without the miserable sod? What a disaster."
0:09:21 > 0:09:25"How will I go on without Barry mocking my parking? How will I survive?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"You can park for ever in the crematorium. Goodbye, Barry."
0:09:29 > 0:09:31End of point.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Um, so your theory is that women are happier as they get older.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- Statistically they are. - Really?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Without getting too macabre and...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- I think women get quite grumpy as they... - Yes, I would agree with that.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50I'm going on the stats.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52This is anecdotal evidence,
0:09:52 > 0:09:57but I was once in St Mark's Square in Venice, and I'd already been
0:09:57 > 0:10:02bitten by a mosquito the previous day, and it had gone... I'd had
0:10:02 > 0:10:07a reaction to it and it had swollen into a sort of Scooby-Doo type lump.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09And I was sitting in St Mark's Square
0:10:09 > 0:10:14and another mosquito came and bit me on the end of the same lump.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17And that is the only time I've ever seen my girlfriend truly happy.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25She wept. She wept with laughter.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It was like a different person. Her face changed.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35So I'm not sure it's generally true about women not getting...
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I'm not... I'm saying it's mostly true for our culture.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43The other interesting thing about... You know when you try to meditate and try and get in the moment?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47A woman can go, "Do you know what? That's over there, that's over there, but I'm here".
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Better than a man, who's like, "That's over there. I'm thinking about it.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"I'm going to let it ruin my day, focusing on what's coming tomorrow."
0:10:53 > 0:10:58"Come back to the present moment." "I can't. I'm a man. I'm focused on the misery in the future."
0:10:58 > 0:11:01That's something else we can work on.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Or you could set about finding a different group of men to associate with.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Well, I'd have to emigrate, unfortunately, to Sardinia.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- Yeah, right. Good. - LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Yeah, John is actually offering to sponsor you on that.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22It's that kind of hatred that's taking years off your life, John.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Well, we have video evidence that old men do sometimes enjoy themselves.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Look at this man having the time of his life.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35ROCK N ROLL MUSIC
0:11:41 > 0:11:44MAN ROARS IN TIME TO MUSIC
0:11:51 > 0:11:53You see, you're thinking lovely old guy,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I'm thinking benefit cheat.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Actually, here's an interesting...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05This is the idea of using age as a punishment.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08There's a barber in America who offers,
0:12:08 > 0:12:12if your child has been naughty, as a punishment he will give him
0:12:12 > 0:12:15the haircut of a middle-aged man.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- No.- Honestly. Honestly. Look.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- This kid...- Fantastic.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21..who looks quite a sweet kid. He was a bit naughty.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23His mum took him in for this.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:28 > 0:12:29No.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33It's absolutely true.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35That is fantastic.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Is that true? He just didn't go bald overnight or something?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Absolutely true.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43And let's have a look at Claudia's choice.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Yeah. I know.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I don't like summer.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I don't like what it does to people.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Like, normal people, suddenly it gets a tiny bit sunny, "Ooh!"
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Out comes some paisley, weird maxi-dress.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04People's toes... I don't approve of flip-flops.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I don't like the communal joy, really.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I don't like a picnic.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I don't like the fact that it's even a bit warm, and they're lying out.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"Come on." I don't like the clothes.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I like wearing a high-neck,
0:13:17 > 0:13:20heather-grey coat with a knee-length boot.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I like marching through a bit of rain.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I like spring. I like autumn.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I think summer is a nonsense.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28FAINT APPLAUSE
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Two people applauded.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34You must like flying ant day.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40One day there's no flying ants, and then they're just everywhere.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Yeah.- I mean, it's incredible.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I'm not saying it has to be freezing cold all the time.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I don't mind an open-neck...
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Like, if you want to wear a short-sleeve T-shirt, I'm not
0:13:50 > 0:13:56going to argue with you, in May, but then suddenly it's August.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00People are wearing a cropped top, and it's all the happiness,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02the picnics.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I don't like it.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Is it the happiness that really gets you? People looking happy.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10John's warming to this one.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11I've got him.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I like a bit of shade, but I never understand.
0:14:15 > 0:14:21If you go abroad, often people will carry an umbrella if it's a hot day.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24It's very sensible, but there's something about
0:14:24 > 0:14:26in Britain people think, "No, that's for rain.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"I'm not using that". I tell you what I take.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32If it's a really bright day, this is what I use for shade.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:38APPLAUSE
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I need one of those.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46That would get me through the summer.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Oh, this is so... I'm so cool now under here.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Absolutely lovely.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55What about... Would you wear this on the beach?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Oh! No! That's so wrong.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- He's so wrong as well. - That is so tacky.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I can't believe he's wearing a marijuana necklace.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Well, I know you're a boots lady.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Yeah.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17These are.... Now, you can send away
0:15:17 > 0:15:21your cowboy boots to a place in America,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and they turn them into summer-wear.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34That's the best thing I've ever seen.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37There you go. I don't know.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I've gone a bit Tales Of Beatrix Potter as I demonstrate.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42You look like you're about to Riverdance.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Yeah. They really let the air...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Breezy.- Yeah.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Hello.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Crippling me.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- They're amazing. - Yes. See, am I winning you over?
0:15:55 > 0:15:56No.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I'm going to go one last thing.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04This is someone really enjoying the sun,
0:16:04 > 0:16:08summertime on a beautiful beach in the Maldives.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- CLAUDIA:- 'There's everything you need on the island.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16'Sun, sea, sand and...'
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Cheers. If you're like me,
0:16:19 > 0:16:20nice slice of pizza!
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Mm.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I was so bad at that show.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Do you know that you have to say certain things on a holiday programme?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35You had to use certain intonation.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40If you said, "This cost £5," they would go, "This cost...£5."
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Does that make it sound cheaper? Is that the idea?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45It just sounds more exciting, apparently.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48You can get on the tram...for £4.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- You know what, it's working! - It is!- Where's the tram?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53That's amazing.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Politicians could do that. They could have that special voice, couldn't they?
0:16:57 > 0:16:58We're going to take away...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00all your benefits!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05And next Thursday, will be declaring war on...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Iraq!- Hurray!
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Whoo!
0:17:12 > 0:17:17Anyway. Summer. I must admit, I know what you mean.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18I know what you mean about summer.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I don't like...you know that sweat... Well, you wouldn't.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22I hate it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28I also... I enjoy grumpiness in old men so much,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I don't know why they haven't made a TV show about it.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37There's something lovely about miserable people.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40You have to have that mix of light and dark.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44No-one loves applause more than I do.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I spend my whole life more or less begging for it.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52But whooping, I have to say, I think it's gone too far.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It's fine in America, but here it just feels wrong.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58So I am going to put whooping audiences into Room 101.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS
0:18:12 > 0:18:14OK, then, on with the next round.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16And let's have a look at John's choice.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27People who begin sentences with "so".
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Ask me a question. Any question you like.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32John, how are you feeling at the moment?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36So, I was thinking this morning that I might go for
0:18:36 > 0:18:39a run and then I decided I probably wouldn't.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Do people do that?
0:18:40 > 0:18:44So, I think you'll find that they do it all the time.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49So, I can explain to you why, if you'd like me to, why it happens.
0:18:49 > 0:18:55- OK.- So, it's because the people who do it are thick as two short planks.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59That is a technical phrase.
0:18:59 > 0:19:05They always do it because, I think, it's because they can.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Because they're sort of saying to the audience,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I know you're a bit thick,
0:19:09 > 0:19:16so I'll say "so" and then gradually introduce you to the magnificent
0:19:16 > 0:19:20workings of my brain and then I will tell you what I think about this.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23And it happens all the time.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- Yes?- Mm. - I mean, all the time.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27It drives me insane.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30It is... Look, it's not going to change the world...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33But, God, it would be nice not to be irritated.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I'm feeling a little bit like a grumpy old man, if I may say!
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Whoo!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I must... LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Well, I...- So that's it, "so" in front of sentences.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46OK. I blame John Lennon.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48# So this is Christmas... #
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It can't be worse than "like", as in,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"Like, I was out the other day, like.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57"And, like, my friends were there.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01The thing about "like" if that that is just plain stupid.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04And...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06But more importantly, it's what kids do.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07And that's all right.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I'm completely relaxed about kids having their own language.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11- Didn't we all?- Yes.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Yes.- And that's fine.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14In fact, it's probably good,
0:20:14 > 0:20:18because what they are doing is they are trying to exclude adults.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Totes. Totes, man, totes, totes.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Exactly. Sick.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Yeah.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27John Humphrys just said "sick" to me!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30And that... That's all fine.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34But the people who do the "so" thing and the historic present tense
0:20:34 > 0:20:36and all that sort of thing,
0:20:36 > 0:20:41the people who do that do it from a position of some kind of
0:20:41 > 0:20:44assumed superiority, which I find irritating.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- So there's a condescension built in? - It's condescension...- Yeah.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- Perfect word.- Interesting. - Condescension.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I remember my girlfriend...
0:20:51 > 0:20:52This is absolutely true.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56My girlfriend said to me once, "So, why is there a wig in our bed?"
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Why was there, Frank?
0:21:01 > 0:21:06Well, what I'd done is, I had done a very foolish comedy sketch
0:21:06 > 0:21:11that day with a horrible nylon wig and they said to me,
0:21:11 > 0:21:12the make-up woman said to me,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14we'll never use that again, you can keep it.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16So I thought, I'll put it in the bed as a joke,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19she'll think it's some sort of animal.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21She got into the bed, she went to bed before me -
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I let her go so the joke would work.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25She never mentioned it. CLAUDIA LAUGHS
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I got in, she still hadn't mentioned it. I got into bed,
0:21:28 > 0:21:34the light went off for about a minute and then she said, "So...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40"Why was there a wig in our bed?
0:21:40 > 0:21:41And I said, "Well, clearly, that is a joke.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"If I'm going to have an affair,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46"I'm not going to have an affair with someone who would wear that wig!"
0:21:48 > 0:21:51"And then go home without it!"
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Right, so I will just...
0:21:56 > 0:22:01To end this, I just want to show one clip which illustrates how
0:22:01 > 0:22:05wrong a programme can be if "so" is overused.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09So, let's have our first contender...
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- So, close first round. - Let's have a look...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15So, the general knowledge round...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17So, lots of people... So, let's get on with the show.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20She has held on to that led.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Let's have a look at the scores.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25What a hypocrite! Unbelievable!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Well, well, well.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I'm trying so hard to laugh at that and I want to kill you.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40OK, let's go to Russell Kane's choice.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47OK...
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I do realise I'm contradicting myself here,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57when I've been all happy but... over-friendly people on holiday.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01When I go on holiday, I don't know if it's a British thing,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03in fact, come to think of it, it is!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Whenever you see German people on holiday, or American people
0:23:06 > 0:23:08or French people, they seem to be drawn to other people of their kind.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11"There are some more French people over there, we'll hang with them.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14But British people, on the whole, when we go away with
0:23:14 > 0:23:17a group or a couple, we want to keep ourselves to ourselves.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20The thought of an over-friendly couple latching onto us while
0:23:20 > 0:23:23we are away, fills most of us with unfriendly horror.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26And anyone that doesn't identify with that, you are those freaks!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Leave us alone, right!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29LAUGHTER
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I don't even want to speak to the person I'm on holiday with,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35let alone... "Oh, it's Mark and Carol from yesterday. Coo-oo!"
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"For God's sake! Oh, you found us!"
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- I just don't want to be latched on to by over-friendly people.- Mm.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- They need to do one.- Wow.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47You see, I...I wouldn't like to be anywhere
0:23:47 > 0:23:49where there were no British people at all,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51in case I didn't get recognised.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I agree, but you mustn't make eye contact. It's like netball -
0:23:58 > 0:24:00if anybody here has played netball...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I was in... Just don't...
0:24:02 > 0:24:05The key is - no eye contact.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07You don't make eye contact when you play netball?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10That's how you don't get the ball. It's genius.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Ah! That is clever, isn't it?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Yeah. I played every match - I've never touched the netball.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- Never?- Never touched it in my life. I don't know what it feels like.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Is there a reason why they kept you on the team?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22No, I don't know why! My mum made sandwiches.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26It's true!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30One thing I find that helps to keep... I read this at poolside.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- That's brilliant!- I would take that.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46- That's fantastic. - It really helps, I must say.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Anyway, what's Claudia's choice?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Foreheads.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Well, now I feel bad, because you have...you know,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04you're all... you're all sporting foreheads.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07My head looks something like a light bulb.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11It looks like my neck has had a really good idea.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16No, look, it's adorable.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Yours is adorable, but the others need to go.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Well, I haven't seen my forehead since '86.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- No-one has. - Are you sure you've got one?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29I don't know what's up there. Squirrels. Um, Lego.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I don't... I don't know.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Can we look?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36We were hoping you had a small string at the side that you pull.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- I don't think you want to see. - I do, badly.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Is it the same colour as the rest of your face?- No.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Just a really pale forehead. Put it down, put it down!
0:25:47 > 0:25:51That's an interesting take, Russell. Um...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54She was about to show us. Do we want to see?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- AUDIENCE:- Yes! - Come on.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- Are you ready? - I am ready, yeah. More than ready.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02You're going to need to hold hands for this.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Argh!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I mean, that's disgusting. Let's pretend that never happened.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10It just feels like a large...
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Like, already that is making me very nervous.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16If you put a fringe on this human,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19suddenly I want to go out with him, I want to share chicken.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Let's get married.
0:26:21 > 0:26:28I don't like the... Just, there's a veiny, big arena of skin,
0:26:28 > 0:26:33like, open skin, and soon my fringe will just sweep...
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I would like to part it in order to speak, and then release.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39So, yeah, I don't like a forehead.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44I knew a guy in Birmingham who had "Death to all skinheads"
0:26:44 > 0:26:45tattooed on his forehead.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I always assumed you'd got something similar
0:26:49 > 0:26:51and that was what you were hiding.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53But if men had fringes like that, especially men of...ahem.
0:26:53 > 0:26:59How can I put this? A certain age, um...cover the wrinkles.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02It would be good. Cover their wrinkles, make them more...
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- Let's try it.- Oh, wow!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Yes!
0:27:07 > 0:27:08APPLAUSE
0:27:08 > 0:27:10What do you think?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- That's what I'm saying. - I couldn't... I couldn't...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17What's it worth? Can I...?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Are you sure that's a head wig?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Well, if it isn't, it fits perfectly.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Oh, man.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33We have a picture of you on the town with your fringe, as it were.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34I'm never on the town.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Well, it's at the GQ awards, which I'd say... Look at that.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Never looked better, right? Never looked better.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I tell you what, it looks like when someone doesn't quite
0:27:46 > 0:27:48get into the lift before the doors close.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51That's the face you see.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57I stand by that that is better than a forehead,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00and that's why it should go into Room 101.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02OK, well, look, this won't take long.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Yes, it's annoying when they start sentences with "So..."
0:28:04 > 0:28:07and yes, I don't like it when they're over-friendly on holiday,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10but foreheads goes straight into Room 101.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:25And so we move on.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Let's see what Russell has got up his sleeve.
0:28:31 > 0:28:36Yeah. Fussy eaters. That's what I want to put in.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38One of the sentences I hate most in the world is,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41"I don't like it." Particularly if you go, "Have you tried it?"
0:28:41 > 0:28:44"No, I just know I won't like it."
0:28:44 > 0:28:46It really annoys me.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48We are privileged to live in a wealthy country.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50We're lucky to have food.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Fussy eating is not a natural state of affairs. No, it isn't.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55"When I was little, my mum tried giving me spinach,
0:28:55 > 0:28:58"but I would eject it out and I would only eat potato waffles."
0:29:00 > 0:29:01It's a lot of nonsense.
0:29:01 > 0:29:06I was brought up with a method that will lead to people being unfussy.
0:29:06 > 0:29:07My mum did this technique.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10"There's your dinner. Brussels sprouts. Nice balanced meal.
0:29:10 > 0:29:11"Bit of mince..."
0:29:11 > 0:29:13"Right, I'm not eating it. Don't like sprouts."
0:29:13 > 0:29:15"OK. You can go and play." There was no punishment.
0:29:15 > 0:29:16There was no dessert.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Next day, "I'm still not eating it". OK, no punishment.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23By day three you're starting to get a little bit peckish, yeah?
0:29:23 > 0:29:25By day four, "Where are those Brussels sprouts, Mama?
0:29:25 > 0:29:28"They look tasty", because you can feel your ribs.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31What it's called is - you get what you're given. Right?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33And you learn to be unfussy.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Funny how it doesn't crop up in countries
0:29:35 > 0:29:36that don't have enough food.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39"I cannot eat the goat meat. I want a potato waffle."
0:29:41 > 0:29:43We're lucky to be where we are.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Fussy eaters need to go in Room 101. I rest my case.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Yeah.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55I think it's such a strong argument, because it has to stop.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57It really has to stop.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01When I was single, that would be it - first date, finished. Finished.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03"I don't like it. I don't eat vegetables.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05"I don't like this. I don't like that,"
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Really? Would you like a taxi home - instantly?!
0:30:11 > 0:30:14My problem is with sweets. That's the one that gets me,
0:30:14 > 0:30:17because you'd think with sweets everyone is happy.
0:30:17 > 0:30:18You offer someone sweets, say if they're,
0:30:18 > 0:30:22like, Fruit Gums, Fruit Pastilles, and if there's a green one or
0:30:22 > 0:30:27a yellow one on the top of the tube, they'll say, "Oh, I'll wait."
0:30:29 > 0:30:30How do you feel about allergies?
0:30:30 > 0:30:32People who can't eat wheat, gluten...
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Allergies is completely different.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Obviously if you can't physically eat something,
0:30:36 > 0:30:37that's completely different.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39I'm talking about, "I don't like spinach."
0:30:39 > 0:30:42They're the same kids that don't sit in a high chair
0:30:42 > 0:30:43in a restaurant as well.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46"We tried, but it was like his back was reacting, so we've released
0:30:46 > 0:30:49"him into the restaurant to spoil everyone else's dining experience."
0:30:49 > 0:30:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:55 > 0:30:59I'm going to have to put myself in this category,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02because I will eat... I like to think of myself as a man
0:31:02 > 0:31:06who'll eat anything, but I have... there is one limitation.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Something that I just - I won't take on.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13It's the... It's that little end nodule.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20I can't.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22No parent could have forced me to eat that.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Anyway, what's Claudia's choice?
0:31:30 > 0:31:33- Skiing.- Wow.
0:31:33 > 0:31:38Yeah. Oh, come on. We had a deal - you were going to be on my side.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41I only went once, but here's the thing.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43You have to wake up early.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46You put on genuinely the most disgusting clothes you've
0:31:46 > 0:31:48ever seen in your life.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Padded, multicoloured - this one's got a picture of a rat on it.
0:31:51 > 0:31:56This has got stripes and circles. Anyway, salopettes.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58Then you have to put on these massive things,
0:31:58 > 0:31:59which we shouldn't be wearing.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Huge metal things that you can't walk in.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Then you go on the ski lift.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05That alone is terrifying.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I was just like this, holding on.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Went round it for seven days. No, come on.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Then you physically exert yourself.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Why would anybody ever do that? You go down.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18It's incredibly dangerous. Slushy.
0:32:18 > 0:32:19Then you have to take it off.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22At the end there's some sort of revolting alcohol that makes
0:32:22 > 0:32:25people, you know, throw up in their boots.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27I don't understand skiing. Why does anybody go skiing?
0:32:27 > 0:32:31It's a gazillion pounds. You smell of cheese.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36I mean, I admit, I do associate it with the super-cool
0:32:36 > 0:32:39and the super-beautiful, and that's why I sort of like it,
0:32:39 > 0:32:43because I like the idea of them putting themselves in grave danger.
0:32:45 > 0:32:46But I've never been.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49It's always seemed like something that other people do, I must admit.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51- It's ridiculous.- Yeah.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54And it's all lip-gloss. They've all got lip-gloss on.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56- Straight mouth, and... - SHE MUTTERS
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Nobody spends any time with their kids.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02"In you go. In you go, Lucifer. In you go.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06"In you go. Good luck. Don't break anything.
0:33:06 > 0:33:07"Mummy's going up.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11"I'll bring him up. Feed him.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15"Feed him. I'll bring him up later."
0:33:17 > 0:33:19It's for tools.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Actually, I've got a lovely photo of a man,
0:33:29 > 0:33:31my favourite photo ever of a man on a ski lift.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Look at this poor chap. This is genuine.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40He slipped in such a way that it ripped down his trousers.
0:33:40 > 0:33:41Oh, my God.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Wait for it. Wait for it.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46He was there for 15 minutes.
0:33:48 > 0:33:53His private parts got so cold they started to operate as wind chimes.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59Can I say, he was safe, by the way?
0:33:59 > 0:34:01He was OK, so it's all right to laugh.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06What about these guys braving the cold weather?
0:34:08 > 0:34:11What's incredible about that is they all needed
0:34:11 > 0:34:13a plaster in exactly the same place.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18So, John, what have you got?
0:34:23 > 0:34:25What?! AUDIENCE GROANS
0:34:25 > 0:34:27SOLITARY APPLAUSE
0:34:27 > 0:34:30SOLITARY WHOOP Ooh, you've split the crowd.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34All professional sport. Not all sport.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37- No.- No. All professional sport.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Take yourself back, Frank, to the old days
0:34:40 > 0:34:44when you were nobbut a lad, and your local football team -
0:34:44 > 0:34:47you have one called, I think, West Ham United.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whoo! - West Bromwich...
0:34:49 > 0:34:50..Bromwich Albion.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52LAUGHTER
0:34:52 > 0:34:54There's a difference?
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Can I tell you, you are not going to win this round?
0:35:02 > 0:35:04West Ham, West Brom, they're all the same, aren't they?
0:35:04 > 0:35:06AUDIENCE GROANS
0:35:07 > 0:35:14They each consist of 11, 15, however, men...
0:35:15 > 0:35:21..in a manner of speaking, grossly overpaid, sitting around waiting for
0:35:21 > 0:35:26a foreign club to pay them a vast, unimaginable amount of money, so
0:35:26 > 0:35:32that they can desert the team that has nurtured them over the years.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Yeah?
0:35:34 > 0:35:36This is less true of West Bromwich Albion.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42Only, Frank, because it's a rubbish team that hasn't got enough money.
0:35:42 > 0:35:43- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:35:46 > 0:35:48- Well, you...- Now, here's...
0:35:48 > 0:35:49You can't condemn the money,
0:35:49 > 0:35:51and then say we're rubbish because we don't have enough.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53- Here's the point, Frank.- Go on.
0:35:53 > 0:35:58If some sort of Saudi Arabian oligarch, for instance, just
0:35:58 > 0:36:01to think of the sort of person we're all genuinely sympathetic towards,
0:36:01 > 0:36:07instinctively, with many billions to spare, decided it was going to...
0:36:07 > 0:36:14he was going to buy West Bram, or West Bomb, or whatever it's called,
0:36:14 > 0:36:18and said he's going to put £500 billion into it, all of a sudden,
0:36:18 > 0:36:21within a year, you'd be the best team in the world,
0:36:21 > 0:36:22because of the money.
0:36:22 > 0:36:28All of a sudden, gone, finished, pride in your community is all over.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Pride in the players is all over,
0:36:31 > 0:36:35because that bloke who's struggling desperately to take his two little
0:36:35 > 0:36:40boys to the game can't afford it, obviously, but he's damned if he's
0:36:40 > 0:36:45going to let them miss it, knowing that his week's wages has gone
0:36:45 > 0:36:49to pay about 30 seconds of the wages
0:36:49 > 0:36:52of that overpaid tos... that overpaid...
0:36:54 > 0:36:58..gentleman on the pitch, who is failing to put the ball in the net.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01APPLAUSE
0:37:06 > 0:37:11Well... I'm still savouring the idea of that big rich Arab coming
0:37:11 > 0:37:12and buying the club.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16I agree it's getting very, very expensive.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20I mean, the amount of money now it costs for a country to
0:37:20 > 0:37:21buy the World Cup...
0:37:23 > 0:37:26- ..is outrageous.- Yeah.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28I know what you mean, though, about amateur sport.
0:37:28 > 0:37:32There is something about it which is more down to earth.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Take this rodeo, for example.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53So, anyway... Well, look, I'm not putting all professional sport in.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56What am I going to do with my time?
0:37:56 > 0:38:00And fussy eaters, I know what you mean.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02- But skiing, it's in!- Yes.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04APPLAUSE
0:38:15 > 0:38:17And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Well done, Claudia. You were the most persuasive guest,
0:38:20 > 0:38:21so you are tonight's winner!
0:38:21 > 0:38:24APPLAUSE
0:38:24 > 0:38:28Thank you very much, Russell Kane, John Humphrys and Claudia Winkleman.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29And thank you. Goodnight.