0:00:21 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39the show where three guests compete to have their biggest
0:00:39 > 0:00:42bugbears banished forever to the dreaded vault.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45They'll have to argue their case well because in each round
0:00:45 > 0:00:48only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Joining me tonight are Bafta-winning Katherine Parkinson,
0:00:53 > 0:00:54laughter-spinning Russell Howard,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and all the trimmings John Torode.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10BELL DINGS Let's get ready to grumble.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14OK. So what is John's choice?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's those massive pepper grinders.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I mean, even the action is disturbing, isn't it?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Do you know what I mean? Somebody comes up to your table.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36You've got some food in front of you. You're about to enjoy it.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38They suddenly reach across,
0:01:38 > 0:01:39CROAKY: "Would you like pepper, sir?"
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Were they from Mordor?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Most of them, yes, they are.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46The fact is, as well,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49they've cut down a whole tree to make a pepper grinder.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51The size of the lathe -
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I mean, they have special lathes to make pepper grinders that size.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56What an industrial waste. I mean, look at it.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's just ridiculous.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Just in case you're not familiar with what...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Actually, I've just pulled the leg off the table.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Hold it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09This is it.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Yeah, these babies.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19That's small. That's like a normal size one.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Well, it's quite cold out. LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:25There's something very, um... How can I put this?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Very male about the big...
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Sexist, you see. It is. Isn't it?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32And yet quite sexy.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33You think it's sexy?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35When it's done right, it must be.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Potentially, when done right, by the right man.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Frank could probably do it in quite a sexy way now.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Go on. See, there you go.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47That's spooky. That's just weird! Does it need to be that big?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50There's absolutely no reason for it to be that big. No.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Everybody has got one to size... I know the story behind it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57A man in Honolulu opened a string of about 50 restaurants,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01and he put normal-sized pepper mills in, when they were just becoming
0:03:01 > 0:03:07popular on the market, and within three days, every one was stolen.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11So, he got massive ones, to stop that from happening.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Why don't they do it with other stuff?
0:03:13 > 0:03:17For example, wouldn't it be great if you were in, say,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20a burger bar, and a guy came over...
0:03:22 > 0:03:24..if a guy came over like this...
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Anyone...ketchup?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31No, thank you.
0:03:32 > 0:03:39Ketchup? I like that you're backing off. Great.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Faith in the authenticity of this prop. Guess what?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45It's not actually full of ketchup. LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:55This is another method. Are you familiar with this?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Oh, yeah. You get a tiny one of these, with pepper.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I don't mind that. So you don't take, you know, loads of pepper.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03You just do a sprinkle. Have you seen this?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05No, it's in quite nice restaurants.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I've stolen a few of these, I must be honest with you,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11because, like a lot of people watching, I've got
0:04:11 > 0:04:13an Action Man antique commode...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20..and it's absolutely...absolutely perfect on that.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I have him on there for hours.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Is that how they make pepper? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:39 > 0:04:42OK. So, Russell, what's your choice?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Dreams.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Ooh. Yes. Pointless.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54They're meant to be relaxing and calm and blissful,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56and then, suddenly, you're getting chased,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00your old teacher is there, you've got parrots for feet.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Lorraine Kelly has got an axe.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04She's swinging it, going, "Get in the shed.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"Make me marmalade."
0:05:06 > 0:05:10And then you wake up terrified and you've got an erection.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It's horrific. LAUGHTER
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Not at 8.30 on BBC ONE, you haven't. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Well. Well, I will prove you wrong when this goes out.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34You'll have at best a lazy lobber/lob on.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38But it's meant to be relaxing. They're always awful, you know?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41They're always mad or they're exhausting.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I find the amount of times I've had a dream where I feel like...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Like, the other day I had a gap year, like, in my dream.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50You wake up - "Are you all right? Did you sleep well?"
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"No, I didn't sleep well. I lost my passport in Peru.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"I was braiding my own hair for four hours."
0:05:56 > 0:05:57It's horrific.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Losing your passport is a horrible dream, though.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I suggest you get yourself a dream catcher.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10That's exceptional. That's nuts.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11And this IS your passport.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17And then he woke up.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Yeah, exactly.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Cos that's the other thing. That's why they're awful as well.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Sometimes you have an amazing dream and it reminds you of
0:06:26 > 0:06:27how awful life is.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You are there, you're swimming with mermaids and Natalie Imbruglia
0:06:30 > 0:06:32is there, playing the harp.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I remember, like, age 15, having the dream with mermaids
0:06:34 > 0:06:38and it was amazing. And then waking up and having to do a German exam.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40You are eating Weetabix and you're like,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"I was with mermaids an hour ago."
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Like, you know those dreams when it just goes on?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Like, this genuinely happened,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49and it felt like the entire nine hours I was there.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I was a cat working in a travel agency,
0:06:52 > 0:06:56and I had no skills, because I was a cat, and people were moaning.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I can really remember this Northern bloke going,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00"You don't know nothing."
0:07:00 > 0:07:02And I'm like, "Meow."
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You know, and then you wake up and you're just exhausted,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07and then you've got to go to work.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09What an amazing imagination you have.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11That's the problem.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14My recurring dream is me sitting on a bus.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17See, that's awful.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18That is it.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I had one of those, a dull one, as well.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I'm not saying you're dull. I'm just saying...
0:07:23 > 0:07:24I think you are.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26But you know that thing?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I had one where I was looking at Duracell batteries
0:07:29 > 0:07:33and comparing them to Tesco-own for eight hours.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36You see, I have quite ordinary dreams,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40in which invariably I'm only wearing a pyjama top.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44So, I'm just walking round in the supermarket in just that,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46and then I realise.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Well, maybe that's looking into your future, you know.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54And then, I found this in my dream catcher.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04When I used to drink... Do you get it?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07They're strange, when you... Do you drink? You do drink, don't you?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Yeah. Don't you find the dreams get a bit weirder, then?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Not really, no.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15I always used to dream I was urinating. And guess what?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I quite like dreaming.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I like the middle of the day, you know, old man,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25half asleep on the sofa, waking up when you sort of snore a bit dream.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26That's a good thing.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29No, it's not, because you're of a certain age.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I bet you whistle when you snore, as well.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34There's nothing... That noise.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36That's what my dad... IMITATES WHISTLING SNORE
0:08:36 > 0:08:39It sounds like someone is interfering with a Teletubbie.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42REPEATS NOISE
0:08:42 > 0:08:46My dad used to do that falling asleep in the chair, going...
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Yeah!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Absolutely terrifying.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Well, I tell you something.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Are you familiar with the Dream ON app?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59This app is...
0:08:59 > 0:09:05You sleep with your mobile phone, and it picks up your sleep patterns.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It can tell when you're in deep sleep and when you're moving more.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Right. And it gives you sound effects
0:09:11 > 0:09:12at the point you're most likely
0:09:12 > 0:09:15to dream, and it's supposed to help you into more pleasant...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17This is... I'm not making this up.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20So here's some of the sounds, for example.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21BIRDS TWITTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:28So, it will influence your dream. I programmed it for this.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30WOMAN: Mmm, well, I wasn't expecting the plumber,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33but you'd better come in. LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Works a treat. Have you ever had this?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Have you ever been attacked by someone for the way
0:09:40 > 0:09:43you've behaved in their dream?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46OK, well, I have. There you go.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49My auntie said, "I want to have a word with you."
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"What?" "Yeah, I had a dream about you the other day."
0:09:51 > 0:09:53We were at a wedding. "Yeah?"
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"You made love to a pasty." "Well, I didn't do it, did I?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"I made love? What are you talking about?"
0:09:58 > 0:10:00She told everyone at the wedding, like it was a thing I did.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Chinese whispers. By the end everyone was like,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"Oh, it's Ginsters." What are you talking about?
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Was that in your dream, or was that in reality?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10It was in HER dream. No, I haven't touched a pasty.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12She is attacking me for the behaviour that
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I've shown in her dream. Right. In public?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I don't know where I did it.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I'd like to imagine that if I was making love to a pasty,
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I'd treat it right, you know, but I've never imagined that.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I'd probably take her out for a meal...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29A meal would be weird because you'd see all her mates getting eaten.
0:10:29 > 0:10:36I have a clip of a child speaking about dreaming and, whatever
0:10:36 > 0:10:40we say about dreams tonight, nothing can be as good as this.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42This is perfect.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Have you ever had a dream that...
0:10:44 > 0:10:48that you...you had...
0:10:48 > 0:10:52you...you... you could... you'd do... you...you want...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55you...you could give some...you...you could...you...
0:10:55 > 0:11:00you want...you want them to do you so much you could do anything?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Do you know what?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06That's like the cutest version of an Eminem song I've ever heard.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10That might make me get pregnant again tonight.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11That was so sweet.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13GROANS, FRANK SNIGGERS
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Right. What is Katherine's choice?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Behave. Yes.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Oh, yeah.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30APPLAUSE
0:11:31 > 0:11:35This is DJs that join in at the end of the song.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I mean, I love the radio.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I've not listened to your show on the radio,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42cos it's too early, but I love the radio in the morning.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44It's a podcast. LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:48But carry on.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52So, I love the radio in the morning,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and, you know, you're listening to a song.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58They've played maybe, you know, Elvis, In The Ghetto,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01or something really moving, a story-telling song.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02You're in that special place,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05looking out the window at the morning happening.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07And then they just have to crash in and butcher it over the last
0:12:07 > 0:12:10two bars, because they can't not hear the sound of their own
0:12:10 > 0:12:12voice for more than 20 seconds.
0:12:12 > 0:12:18I have actually almost lifted up the radio and thrown it through the
0:12:18 > 0:12:21kitchen window because it just, it completely destroys... What's the
0:12:21 > 0:12:24point in playing a song if you're not going to let people get to
0:12:24 > 0:12:29the nice moment at the end, when the song has finished and done its work?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Yes. LAUGHTER
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I have this...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I don't look at any of the text or anything that come in on the show.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I have two other people who present the show with
0:12:40 > 0:12:43me and they see that, so as far as I'm concerned,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46the show is going down brilliantly every week.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I have no negative stuff coming at me at all.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I imagine the audience are killing themselves and everything I say.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55So I think the music is just there to give them
0:12:55 > 0:12:57a little bit of recovery time.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Do you do this? Am I putting you into Room 101?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I don't do it... I don't do it that much.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I did it... Oh, I'm so... I didn't realise YOU did it!
0:13:04 > 0:13:05I don't do it often.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10I interrupted - I played Vertigo by U2 a while back,
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and in the middle of it, I came in and started talking.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14In the middle? That's even worse.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Yes, because they'd interrupted my iTunes music with their album.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28They started it.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I tell you what I do more and more, I found, as I get older.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34There are lots of songs I just don't know the words to at all.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37That does not stop me singing along.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41So, Elton John is one of my favourites for this,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44because you can get away with knowing almost no words at all.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48So, if you get something like Candle In The Wind, I'll know
0:13:48 > 0:13:49the first bit and I'll go,
0:13:49 > 0:13:50# Goodbye, Norma Jean... #
0:13:50 > 0:13:52HE SCATS NONSENSE
0:13:58 > 0:14:01And it works perfectly well.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Kings Of Leon are exactly the same. HE SCATS NONSENSE
0:14:08 > 0:14:09You see?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Do you not sing along to songs yourself?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Yes, I do.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Surely that's... Yes, I do, but, um...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Yes, that's a good point.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I do sing along to the song myself, but... Yeah, OK.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Well...
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Thanks, Russell. You've saved me a lot of time.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36I tell you what I do like, and that is a fabulous radio voice.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41There was a guy in America who had fallen on hard times,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44but although he'd fallen on hard times,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47he's managed to retain his fabulous radio voice.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51MAN: Hey. I'm going to make you work for your dollar.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Say something with that great radio voice.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55When you're listening to nothing but the best of oldies,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58you're listening to Magic 98.9.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Thank you so much. God bless you. Thank you.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04And we'll be back with more right after these words.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09And don't forget, tomorrow morning is your chance to win
0:15:09 > 0:15:12a pair of tickets to see this man live in concert.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15APPLAUSE
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Oh, they have the best homeless people in America.
0:15:18 > 0:15:24So, anyway, at the end of that, um, I feel your pain with DJs who sing
0:15:24 > 0:15:29over songs, and dreaming, I don't think you know what you've got.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Your dreams sound great.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33You should learn to enjoy them more.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Oh, here we go again.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I would like to have your dreams...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Yes. ..instead of putting them in Room 101.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42You should write a book. Your special dream book.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I'm going to do one.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49The author's picture on the back is just me in a pyjama top.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Anyway, the upshot is...
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I hadn't really thought about this, John, but now you come to
0:15:55 > 0:15:59mention it, the whole pepper thing is just ostentatious.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I've had enough of it.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I'm going to put enormous pepper grinders into Room 101.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08Yeah. Good.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18And so the next round.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19BELL DINGS
0:16:19 > 0:16:22OK. What's John got up his sleeve?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Predictive text.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I hate it.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35My spelling is atrocious, right? So, that's fine.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38If I want to write something down, I want to take
0:16:38 > 0:16:42notes on my notes on my phone, if it's phonetic, that's fine.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Or I'm travelling...
0:16:43 > 0:16:46but they come out with the most bizarre words in the world.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48When you write menus and stuff, it just makes words up.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50So, for instance,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52there's a restaurant I go to all the time, and one day it
0:16:52 > 0:16:57had on it a plate of roasted peppers and aboriginals with pesto, because
0:16:57 > 0:17:00it was supposed to be aubergines, and aubergines became aboriginals.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02And as an Australian, you can understand that actually
0:17:02 > 0:17:05cutting up an aboriginal and putting it with pesto is not a good idea.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:14I have a friend who was on a date, and she texted him...
0:17:14 > 0:17:18He was at the bar, saying, "I'm upstairs with wine",
0:17:18 > 0:17:22but it said, "I'm upstairs with wind."
0:17:22 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I had a belter from my mum the other day.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31She said, "All right, Russ, fancy a meal?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Now, that's what she claimed that's what she wanted.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Which she quickly said, "I meant, meal, meal, meal, meal."
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Because she put, "Fancy anal?" LAUGHTER
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Does that mean that she's used that word a few times for it
0:17:45 > 0:17:47to go to that as the first word?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Do you know, I hadn't even thought about that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I texted somebody recently, a friend,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55who has split up with her boyfriend and she was going away on her own.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57And I wanted to say, "Hope you have a lovely time."
0:17:57 > 0:18:00And I looked back at my text and I sent,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"Hope you have a lonely time."
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I'll tell you what, since you mentioned this, John,
0:18:06 > 0:18:07since I knew you were going to do this,
0:18:07 > 0:18:12I tried to see how poetic predictive text was.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14So I typed into my smartphone...
0:18:18 > 0:18:19The options were...
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Result, a result of. ..as a whole.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27"I wandered lonely as a whole."
0:18:28 > 0:18:31That's my life. "I wandered lonely as a result of...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34"..being upstairs with wind."
0:18:35 > 0:18:37The other one that's really, really annoying is, when you use
0:18:37 > 0:18:40your notes, or something, and you actually just want to write,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I don't know, a word or something, and it just comes up with the most
0:18:43 > 0:18:44ridiculous thing in the world.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47What if people did it? If you said, "I'm feeling g..."
0:18:47 > 0:18:50and they went, "Good? "Glandular? Gambian?"
0:18:53 > 0:18:55On the misprint front,
0:18:55 > 0:19:00this is an edition of the Bible which came out in 1631.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Maybe one of the most famous text failures of all time.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08You see there... Maybe you don't spot it at first,
0:19:08 > 0:19:12but the second one came out as, "Thou SHALT commit adultery."
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I've used it as a loophole with my priest a couple of times.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20So, do you use it much, John?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22No, I hate it. I don't use it at all.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24You can switch it off, can't you? Well, you can.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28It's the, sort of, the spell-check changed my words whilst I'm...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31And typing recipes, you use, sort of, weird words
0:19:31 > 0:19:33and weird phrases, like "mise en place" and, you know, bits of
0:19:33 > 0:19:36French and bits of Italian, and it just changes on you halfway through.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38You go, "Argh!"
0:19:38 > 0:19:39That's what really upsets me more than anything.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Put a red line under it and say, yes, it's spelt wrong,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46and I can make a choice, but don't change my spelling of my words.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Homogenized language, it's so presumptuous
0:19:49 > 0:19:51and it's going to basically dumb us all down
0:19:51 > 0:19:54because I use Latin a lot in my text, so... Do you?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56No.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59But if I did, if I did, it wouldn't know what I was talking about
0:19:59 > 0:20:00and it would change it.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02That would be great, wouldn't it?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori."
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Do you mean Maureen?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Have you ever typed in "Torode"?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Yeah. Well, it used to come up as "torrid".
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Oh. Which was always quite nice.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21I tried it, as a homage to you, and I got "toroidal", which is
0:20:21 > 0:20:23a word I'd never heard of. Do you know it?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25What does it mean, Frank? It means donut-shaped.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Anyway, what's Russell's choice?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Grumpy kids. CHEERING
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Exactly. Right?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I was in a restaurant the other day, and I heard a child say,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50"Oh, Wagamama again."
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I used to lose my mind when I went to a Harvester.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Lose my mind.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Go into school the next day.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"Salad bar. Amazing.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04"I had an Italian dish called a la-sag-nea."
0:21:04 > 0:21:06They've got everything. They're whining.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10They've got wheels in their shoes, iPads, Sky Plus.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13If you'd shown me Sky Plus when I was ten, I'd have thought
0:21:13 > 0:21:15you're a wizard, like that, pausing the telly.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17And, like, could have been so much worse...just...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Every kid I see today, like, I'm talking about ten-year-olds...
0:21:20 > 0:21:24IMITATES WHINING ..just whining, tubby messes, and...
0:21:25 > 0:21:29IMITATES WHINING It just does my head in.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30But it could have been worse.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You could have grown up in the '80s, where, you know,
0:21:32 > 0:21:37the telly was awash with offenders and, you know...
0:21:37 > 0:21:38It was, you know.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42And, like, think of the hours we played the recorder.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45The HOURS we did that. Have we ever needed it?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I've never been at a party, "I know what this needs."
0:21:48 > 0:21:49IMITATES RECORDER
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Girls in the corner, "Do you know Little Donkey?
0:21:51 > 0:21:52"You know I do."
0:21:54 > 0:21:58We invented our own fun. Like, girls at our school always used to...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Remember that, "Pick a number, pick a colour,
0:22:00 > 0:22:01"pick a number, pick a colour"?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I don't know, "Red." "R-E-D."
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"Number!" "Three."
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"One, two, three. 'You're a dick.'" You know?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15We have a picture of you when you were a, I think, 12-year-old,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Russell. Oh, really? OK. Oh, there you go.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Ah!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Ah! What a happy child. APPLAUSE
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Well, I haven't seen that for a long...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I look a bit like Harry Potter's German pen-pal.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Who would have thought that when I sat for that picture it would
0:22:35 > 0:22:37end up on telly and people would just be like..?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I know. Yeah, just... "Just smile. What's the worst that can happen?"
0:22:40 > 0:22:41"All right."
0:22:44 > 0:22:47When I was at school, the big game for us was a thing called
0:22:47 > 0:22:51pile-ups, where one kid lay on the floor and 50 kids lay on top.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You'd be on the bottom, thinking,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"Shouldn't my ribcage be inside my blazer?"
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I feel a bit sorry for kids now, though.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I live in quite a, sort of, posh bit of London,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and I think the kids there just don't get enough sugar.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11They ask for a Cornetto, they get a little box of raisins.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14That's not parenting.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Exactly.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I remember... Do you remember Angel Delight?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Now, there's a pudding. Yes.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24You have one bit of that and you go, "I'm going on the roof".
0:23:24 > 0:23:25And my sister -
0:23:25 > 0:23:28it's one of the greatest moments in the Howard family.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30My sister was eating Angel Delight, and she goes,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32"Dad, what's Angel Delight made of?"
0:23:32 > 0:23:34And my dad just went, "Dead angels."
0:23:36 > 0:23:37That's parenting.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Me and my brother were like, "This is the best day ever."
0:23:42 > 0:23:43And Nesquik.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Oh, yeah. Damn right.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46I used to have that in water.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Yes. GROANS
0:23:47 > 0:23:49We were poor.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Are you booing me for being poor?!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Very good for making cakes.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Instead of using sugar - flavoured Nesquik -
0:23:58 > 0:24:00you use chocolate flavour or strawberry flavour instead
0:24:00 > 0:24:03of using sugar, and then you've got strawberry or chocolate cake.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Oh, right. And that cake, I tell you, your kids are running round
0:24:06 > 0:24:07the back yard - "Whey!"
0:24:09 > 0:24:13People are writing your stuff down, John. Fantastic.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16But on predictive text it says something else completely.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20The technology thing, I mean, as you said, they've got everything now.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24I remember occasionally, towards the end of school,
0:24:24 > 0:24:28VHSs were just coming in, when I was at school. Yeah.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31And sometimes, a teacher, instead of doing a lesson, would show us
0:24:31 > 0:24:35a VHS, and there was a man called Mr Barton,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39and he would bring in the telly with the VHS recorder on wheels,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42and he used to wear a lab coat.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45A lab coat!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47But then he would leave us and the teacher would sit with us
0:24:47 > 0:24:50and watch the VHS. Towards the end, the teacher would go and get
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Mr Barton to come and switch it off.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I'm glad we're a bit more technology-literate than that.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59That's what does my head in.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01It's just like... It's just everything.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Be a bit more joy... Like iPods.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05How extraordinary are they?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08You've got every song you love in your hand.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09It's amazing.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Every song...
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Like we had, Walkmans, you know, you would have a tape and then
0:25:14 > 0:25:17that used to knacker up and you had to get a pen out and scrunch it.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Then we had Discman.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Do you remember the Discman, with the CD? It was great.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25You'd be, like, listening to it like you were a butler,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28just having to, kind of, carry it around like that.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Awful. I'm mostly moaning, but I guess the whole point is that you
0:25:33 > 0:25:36should just be happy when you're a nipper and it just feels like maybe
0:25:36 > 0:25:38they've got too many things and should have those taken away.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40It's difficult, isn't it?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Because I didn't have sushi until I was 25 and I love it now,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45but my kids will probably have it when they're five,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48and it's that weird thing of... You should have stuff to look
0:25:48 > 0:25:50forward to, rather than just, "Right, there's everything."
0:25:50 > 0:25:53It feels like they've got everything, so it's kind of harder
0:25:53 > 0:25:57to get towards fun, because you kind of go...
0:25:57 > 0:25:59if you start off on fun...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04..it ends up on cocaine. LAUGHTER
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I'm going to show you a clip, to prove that it's a dangerous life
0:26:14 > 0:26:15being a child now,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18even in what you would think was the safest of environments.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20OK. Young girl meets the Queen.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Watch that young girl.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35AUDIENCE GROANS
0:26:40 > 0:26:43She was fine. LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Good job he wasn't with a bayonet.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Kids should be jolly, I think.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Yeah. Well, thank you for your advice.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Because, I think it's the sort of thing, we had
0:26:54 > 0:26:56nothing and we were always happy.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Like, mainly because I grew up with my brother and he was amazing.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01My brother, genuinely, when he used to get really giddy
0:27:01 > 0:27:04he used to get naked, up until the age of about five.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07It was amazing. And over nothing. It used to drive Mum mad.
0:27:07 > 0:27:13"Do you want some toast? Just nod. For Christ's sake, just nod."
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I wish he still he did it. He got a mortgage the other day.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17That would have been amazing.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Anyway, what's Katherine angry about?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31OK. It's women who, er,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34cross their legs when they're having their photo taken.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38So, somewhere along the line, there became this sort of position
0:27:38 > 0:27:41that every woman who's having her photo taken,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44sort of, head-to-toe photo, has to sort of assume this position.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Obviously, it's supposed to elongate and slim.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Can I say? I'd never heard of this before.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54So, can you just tell us, what is the theory behind it?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I don't know what the theory is behind it, but basically
0:27:56 > 0:27:58you're supposed to stand...
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You can see I look better now.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Yeah.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Everyone is supposed to stand like that
0:28:05 > 0:28:08when they have their photo taken.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I felt, when I was, sort of, assuming this position,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13like an idiot for doing it, cos of course you're just going,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15"I'm doing this cos it's the thing to be done."
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Also, it's very difficult to do when you've got heels on,
0:28:18 > 0:28:20because you lose your balance, and you have to sort of throw
0:28:20 > 0:28:22your body a bit forward to stay
0:28:22 > 0:28:27balanced in that position, and then you look really, really stupid.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Um, and so after that, I just sort of...
0:28:29 > 0:28:32I stand with my legs ajar, and then you look like you're
0:28:32 > 0:28:35in a birthing position, and that's not good either.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Well, when I knew you'd chosen this, I thought, "I've never even
0:28:39 > 0:28:43"been aware of that phenomenon," but since, I notice it's everywhere.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Just an example, this is Miley Cyrus arriving somewhere lovely.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51There she is, doing exactly that.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53It's quite strange, don't you think?
0:28:53 > 0:28:54The outfit is quite strange.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57What's she wearing? She looks like a cheese grater.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Well, for the sake of symmetry,
0:29:01 > 0:29:04she should have crossed her cleavage, as well.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07I was once at... Do remember Garry Bushell...
0:29:07 > 0:29:10I do, yeah. ..the tabloid journalist?
0:29:10 > 0:29:13I was having my photo took with him and he advised me that the best way
0:29:13 > 0:29:18to get a natural grin is to make a laughing noise when you do it.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22So you look at the camera and go... HE CHUCKLES
0:29:22 > 0:29:25And it works. It does actually look much better.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27I'm terrified.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30But I've been in wedding photos when I'm the only one doing it.
0:29:32 > 0:29:36And people... And everyone is, like, looking at you. Exactly.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39When you look at the picture, everyone else...
0:29:41 > 0:29:43I took my mum to a premiere.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45It was one of the coolest things I've ever done.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47I'm going to have to stand up to show what she did. Right?
0:29:47 > 0:29:49So basically, what the ladies do, they do
0:29:49 > 0:29:51this thing where they walk to the camera and do that.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Does that annoy you? They do the sideways thing. Oh, yeah.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56I've got a very short neck
0:29:56 > 0:29:58and I just look like a budgie when I do that.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00So, my mum is five foot, and nobody had taught her,
0:30:00 > 0:30:03so all the paparazzi were there, and Mum just kind of ran at them
0:30:03 > 0:30:04and just, kind of, went like that.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09It was genuinely...
0:30:09 > 0:30:13It was like watching a Yorkshire pudding move carrots out of the way.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18That thing that you're on about, we've got Anne Hathaway,
0:30:18 > 0:30:23actually... It seems the least natural pose you could ever...
0:30:24 > 0:30:26I mean we're over here, Anne.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30I've done that pose, but only when I've been at a urinal.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31LAUGHTER
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Did you see the Oscars?
0:30:38 > 0:30:42At the Oscars, just everybody, everybody was doing it.
0:30:42 > 0:30:43I don't know if you saw this.
0:30:48 > 0:30:49Outrageous.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51But you're right, though.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Now I know about it, I see it everywhere.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54I bought this the other day.
0:30:56 > 0:30:57LAUGHTER
0:31:00 > 0:31:02APPLAUSE
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Oh, it's difficult, this one.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10I know what you mean about the old predictive text,
0:31:10 > 0:31:12because I like the joy of spelling things wrong
0:31:12 > 0:31:16and making up words and saying odd stuff, and it does keep
0:31:16 > 0:31:19correcting you all the time, which is a really bad thing.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Grumpy kids, you're right, but I'm sure kids,
0:31:22 > 0:31:24when you were a kid, used to be grumpy, as well.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26That's part of... Probably. It's just...
0:31:26 > 0:31:27Part of the thing.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30The crossed legs thing, what I like about yours, I think
0:31:30 > 0:31:33for women who've got one very ugly knee...
0:31:35 > 0:31:36..that's really helpful.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38That's very personal.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40I wasn't referring to that one.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48Anyway, look, the bottom line is I think that the language is sacred,
0:31:48 > 0:31:52and our right to get it wrong and to mess about with it is important.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55So I am going to put predictive text into Room 101.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56APPLAUSE
0:31:58 > 0:31:59Very good.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Good job. Hate the bloody thing.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Well, we've just got time to hear a bonus choice.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12So, let's see what Russell goes for.
0:32:17 > 0:32:18When you're... Yeah.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20When your tummy rumbles.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22I don't like it. It's creepy. Um...
0:32:22 > 0:32:26Because you can kind of cover up a fart, you can just...you can just...
0:32:26 > 0:32:28IMITATES FARTING ..and just...
0:32:28 > 0:32:32You can sort of swallow a burp, but you can't stop belly rumbling.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35It's just there... "Argh acchh arrghh acch."
0:32:35 > 0:32:38It sounds like a devil baby. "Arrgh acchh arrrgh."
0:32:38 > 0:32:41And you've got like... You can once, you can go, "Oh, someone is hungry."
0:32:41 > 0:32:44And then you've got nothing else to say.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47"Arrgh acch arrghh. Ar...rgh ah."
0:32:47 > 0:32:49It's the only part of your body that moans.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52GRAVELLY: "I'm hungry."
0:32:52 > 0:32:55Your bladder doesn't go... HIGH-PITCHED: "..I need a wee."
0:32:55 > 0:32:57IMITATES RUMBLING
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Or sometimes it sounds like a dog that's been left in the garden.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02HIGH-PITCHED WHINE
0:33:02 > 0:33:06I've got a friend and she works in the fashion industry.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08And she says in her office...
0:33:08 > 0:33:13Obviously, in the fashion industry, it's quite popular to be slim.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17And in her office, if anyone's stomach rumbles, they all applaud.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26It's like, also when you yawn and it's maybe 1/40 yawns
0:33:26 > 0:33:30you just get a spray. Oh, yeah! There's nothing you can do about it.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33You yawn like you normally do and then...
0:33:33 > 0:33:35Like that.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37"Sorry." I know. And it's always like three...
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Where does it... Like that.
0:33:40 > 0:33:41If your stomach is going...
0:33:41 > 0:33:44Did you say sometimes it goes... "Oooh-ooh-ooh"?
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Yeah, like... And you are spouting.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Could you possibly be a whale? Yeah.
0:33:49 > 0:33:55So, I associate this with moments I remember with great horror.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58And it's like early dates in a relationship... Yeah.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02When, say, the woman comes round your flat
0:34:02 > 0:34:07and you are having to imprison an enormous amount of internal wind...
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Yeah. ..as the night goes on.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11And you are sitting saying...
0:34:11 > 0:34:15STRAINED: "Yeah, it's... You've got beautiful eyes."
0:34:15 > 0:34:20I remember doing it once and it was a nightmare...
0:34:20 > 0:34:23..the whole holding in of it.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27And she left after about four hours
0:34:27 > 0:34:29and I released wind...
0:34:30 > 0:34:32..for maybe four to five minutes.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39But then a knock came on the door.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Honestly, and she had forgotten her scarf.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48And so I went to the door and she...
0:34:48 > 0:34:51By this stage, she had lit up a cigarette.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54And I thought, "You can't come in, you will kill us both
0:34:54 > 0:34:58"and do quite a lot of damage to the adjoining houses."
0:34:58 > 0:35:02So, I just sort of... I was so terrible. I couldn't let her in.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06You must have done... Oh, it's a nightmare. Oh, it's awful.
0:35:06 > 0:35:11Yeah, like everything is tense and tight and straining.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Yeah, it's brutal.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16I find this is something that comes out accidentally early on in
0:35:16 > 0:35:18a relationship and can cause...
0:35:18 > 0:35:23I have this dilemma. Oh, nice. Which, I don't know if you can...
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Yes, well that's the erection...reaction.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31LAUGHTER
0:35:31 > 0:35:33I hate you Freud!
0:35:35 > 0:35:40It's great for hitchhiking cos you can do dipped and full beam.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44I'll tell you what's a really awkward one.
0:35:44 > 0:35:45And this might just be me.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48I hate this, but if you are having a number two in a toilet...
0:35:48 > 0:35:50ONE PERSON LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:35:50 > 0:35:56I have to run a tap just so nobody will hear the noise
0:35:56 > 0:35:57that it makes when hits the water.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59What am I afraid of? That's a British thing.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03But like anyone is going to go, "Call the police now.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05"There's a man in there drowning a Chihuahua."
0:36:08 > 0:36:11I don't think people should even do it in public toilets.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12Sometimes you have to.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14No, you don't. Go home.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19I've actually gone into a toilet and gone, "Oh, get a room!"
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Is that a British thing?
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Do you think on the Continent they would just sort of not hold it in?
0:36:26 > 0:36:31No, it's normally about five dates and then, "Brah brah!"
0:36:31 > 0:36:34Then it's full frog chorus.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37I'm not a big fan of... I don't like sharing it that much.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42I'm not saying... I'm not going to go, "I've got one for you.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46"Count me in. A two, three, four." You know.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49You must. You've got a kid together, surely you'd go for it.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Well, now, but we've been together 15 years now.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Both of us have completely lost control.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58It's like a post-nuclear wasteland in our house.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03You know what, Russell, it's a fantastic choice.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05I'm going to put it in Room 101.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Well done, John, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:37:19 > 0:37:23so you are this week's winner. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Thank you to Russell Howard, John Torode and Katherine Parkinson,
0:37:30 > 0:37:32and thank you. Goodnight.