0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38the show where three guests explain
0:00:38 > 0:00:40what really winds them up in the hope
0:00:40 > 0:00:45that I'll condemn said things to the grim environs of Room 101.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47They'll have to argue their case well,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49because in each round only one item can be chosen.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The final decision is mine.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Joining me tonight are comedy gold, Diane Morgan,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Olympic gold, Nicola Adams,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01and his agents promise me he'll be as good as gold, Frankie Boyle.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08So, let us begin.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10What is winding up Diane?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I think they're quite needy people.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Generally.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Whenever I watch them, I'm never entertained.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32That's quite a negative review.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Isn't it? Really?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Yeah! I love it.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38There was one... I went to a restaurant,
0:01:38 > 0:01:42there was one that was going between the tables, between courses,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44and showing you a card trick.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And then he'd finish the card trick, and he'd wait,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49and you can't just go...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53You've got to go, "Ooh, that was good.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54"How did you do that?"
0:01:54 > 0:01:58So you feel like they're getting more out of this than you are.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03I think it starts with parents giving kids magic sets.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Because if you give a kid a magic set, that's like a starter kit
0:02:07 > 0:02:10for a psychopath, isn't it? LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I never had a magic kit, I must admit.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Is it a common gift for children?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17For psychopaths, yeah. OK.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It's so boring.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23It's like cups and balls, who cares?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Pulling flags out of your sleeve.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I just can't find any enthusiasm for it.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30And the Americans ones are even worse!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34With their black polo necks and their tigers.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Yeah, I agree with that.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40I... Your sort of standard British magician,
0:02:40 > 0:02:45he could have existed anywhere between 1870 and 1970.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47There's a sort of timelessness.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Yeah, there's an outfit that they wear, isn't there?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Yeah, well, the cloak and all that.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56Well, the waistcoat and the, you know, downtrodden look.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I quite like a cloak, if I'm going to be honest.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00How many of them wore cloaks?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Are you confusing them with vampires?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05No! That's standard magician wear, isn't it, a cloak?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09They wear waistcoats, don't they, and, er, jackets?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I think it varies. Oh!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14They definitely wear cloaks.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I used to wear a cloak occasionally in the '70s.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I was drinking a great deal.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21And I found it recently.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23You know, it still fit!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26You've still got your drinking cloak?!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Yeah!
0:03:28 > 0:03:32But there's... Then there's these sort of sexy magicians.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, the American ones that do that?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Yeah. So instead of the sparkly leotard,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41the women sort of dress like they might work in a dungeon.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42That's another thing, isn't it?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45The assistants don't get any of the glory.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47They're the ones who are just
0:03:47 > 0:03:50crouching in boxes for the entire act.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Or being sawn in half? Or being sawn...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Well, no, they're down the bottom of the...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I don't want to ruin it for anyone.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59There's two bendy women,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and one of them's crouched in the end of the box,
0:04:02 > 0:04:03that's how it's done.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05CROWD EXCLAIM
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Ah!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08They often marry those assistants as well, don't they?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11That says a lot about what they want from a woman.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Someone who's prepared to crouch in a box for a few hours.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18And has a twin. Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Bendy. Yeah!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23We're all looking for bendy women, aren't we?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I do like... You know the women in the sparkly leotards,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28it takes real confidence, I think,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31to think, "I'm going to finish this trick
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"and that woman is going to go..."
0:04:33 > 0:04:35You've got to really believe that it's going to work.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I mean, can you imagine, Frankie, as a comic,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41say if I had a woman standing here,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44every punch line that I do, she goes...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49They'd be those terrible moments when I'd go into the joke,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51and she's ready.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54And then gets nothing from the audience and she has to go...
0:04:56 > 0:04:59It would be that thing as well when you start to lose her
0:04:59 > 0:05:02and you look over and she's just sitting there having a fag.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Completely...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I like it.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I must say, when someone comes up to me and starts doing magic,
0:05:11 > 0:05:12I do get slightly thrilled by it.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Even if someone disappears in front of me,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I still feel dead inside.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23I don't know what it is.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I think it's because I know deep down it's not really magic.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31See, I'm never completely certain about that.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34There's always the possibility for me that they could be magic.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36No?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38But surely, if you had magic powers,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40the last place you would choose to hide them
0:05:40 > 0:05:41would be in a magic act?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Unless it's a double bluff.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49I'll tell you what I don't like, I don't like up-to-something hands.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Do you know what I mean by that?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Like, when magicians hold a card...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55So if there's a card here like this, instead of...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57You know, if I pick up a card, I do this with it.
0:05:57 > 0:06:03There's a card. With magicians, there's that sort of...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05And I think, "They're up to something."
0:06:05 > 0:06:06I immediately think they're up to something.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Cos no-one ever went like that.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Have you ever played cards with anyone when they've said,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12"Hold on, let me just look at my hand?"
0:06:15 > 0:06:16I, erm....
0:06:16 > 0:06:20The problem is it can be... It's sort of funny when it goes wrong.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Like, one of my favourite clips ever
0:06:22 > 0:06:26is a Chinese man making himself disappear.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I don't know if you're familiar with this.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32This... Well, this is a Chinese man making himself disappear.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:06:41 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Ah! Absolutely marvellous!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I think magic's great when it's children.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57But when it's an actual... another guy going,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"Oh, where's the ball gone?"
0:06:59 > 0:07:02You're just thinking, "We're both 40,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"and you have hidden a ball from me."
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Do you mean children doing it, or...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yeah, children doing it.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15But I saw a kid do a funny joke on a magician,
0:07:15 > 0:07:16it's quite cruel.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19A magician at a kids' party was making a handkerchief disappear,
0:07:19 > 0:07:20and he blew on it and it disappeared.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22And the kid went, "Oh, does blowing on things
0:07:22 > 0:07:23"make them disappear, then?"
0:07:23 > 0:07:25And the magician goes, "Yeah." And the kid went...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27HE BLOWS
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Wow!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I have a clip of some children.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34These are German children doing magic.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I actually think this is brilliant.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38THEY SPEAK GERMAN
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Come on, Diane, that was entertainment!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00That wasn't magic, though.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I think that they set that up.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I think it is a magic trick.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07What? They set it up? I think so.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09He made the kid disappear.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13The thing is, if they didn't set it up,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16we're all laughing at a child being crushed by a bookcase.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Are you familiar with the old rabbit out the hat?
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Yeah. OK.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Get off! Get under.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Hold on.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Oh, once they get their claws into the lining...
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Oh, God.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33CROWD GROAN AND LAUGH
0:08:49 > 0:08:51So, what is winding up Frankie?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57CROWD CHEER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Richard Branson, who...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I can't believe I live in a society
0:09:08 > 0:09:10where I'm asked to admire this guy.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14A sort of sun-dried Bee Gee
0:09:14 > 0:09:17who probably only wants to travel into space
0:09:17 > 0:09:20so that he can find the rest of his own species.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24He's sort of held up as something for me to admire,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28because he self-identifies as a good person.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31He said he's an environmentalist and runs an airline.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Saying that he's an environmentalist is like saying that Josef Stalin
0:09:34 > 0:09:36ran skiing holidays.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41People say, "Oh, you know, you're jealous of Richard Branson,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"you're jealous of his money."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45If I had all his money, what I'd do with it is
0:09:45 > 0:09:50I'd use it to pull that island he lives on towards Syria.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I'd get it as close as I could to Syria
0:09:57 > 0:10:00then I'd drop something heavy on it from space
0:10:00 > 0:10:02so it went up like a tiddly wink
0:10:02 > 0:10:05and he had to cling on to the surface of his own island
0:10:05 > 0:10:09and Kate Winslet or whoever was staying with him was like that,
0:10:09 > 0:10:14until he landed face-down on top of the screaming hordes of Islamic State.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Yeah, I see what you mean.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29We've got a thing, we've got some photos of him.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31One of his things... As you'd imagine,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33as a billionaire, he's very good at picking up women,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35it's what you'd assume.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39He's one of the worst celebrities at picking up women.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Here he is with Dita Von Teese.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44I accept that one.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47That's the sort of traditional fireman's lift.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49What about this one? This is Kate Moss.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56That's... That looks like somebody's stocktaking at Madame Tussauds.
0:10:58 > 0:11:05When he was 65, their website did 65 questions about Richard Branson,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07so you can learn more about him.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I'll just give you a quick example.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11This is question 12.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Now, I think, what this is,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23if you're getting up for work at 5.30am,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25it's an absolute sickener.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28But if you're getting up to be a billionaire...
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Get up early!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32You don't want to waste a day.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Cos basically we're all the same when we're asleep.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37The minute you wake up, you're a billionaire.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I think that's a great move.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41This is the next question.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Who knew?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I thought it was a pun on Doctor No, cos he lived on an island.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Also, is life more interesting when you say yes?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03What about if the question is,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07"What band would you like to listen to for the next eight hours?"
0:12:07 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER
0:12:10 > 0:12:13And then this is the last example, this is question 55.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Any ideas?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21It surprised me, it's this.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Yeah, because his broadband doesn't work!
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Oh, marvellous.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37We've got a picture. This is of...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42This is a dog that looks like Richard Branson.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Actually not bad.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54OK, so what's upsetting Nicola?
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Yeah.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Is this something you do a lot?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Yeah, well, it always seems to happen when I'm in a rush.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10And I'll be packing all my stuff, I'll be quickly going to the gym.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12And then I can't find my keys.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13And then it makes me late
0:13:13 > 0:13:15and it really annoys me because they're always in,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17like, a weird place.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20So you're sort of absent-minded?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Have you had any blows to the head recently?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26It doesn't happen every time!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29It's just, like... It seems to happen when I'm in a rush. OK.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33They just appear. I've found them in the dog's bed.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35How they got there, I do not know.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36In the dog's bed?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Yeah. What kind of dog is it?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I've got a Doberman and a Pomeranian.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I bet the Doberman had them.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Yeah, the Doberman had the keys.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47That's why they call them a Pinscher!
0:13:47 > 0:13:48AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Tough crowd. Tough crowd.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57It's amazing we still have keys, don't you think?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You could have, like,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01voice recognition on your doors, couldn't you?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I suppose a lot of drunks
0:14:03 > 0:14:06would freeze to death on their own front steps.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11That's going to happen anyway.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Have you ever been in those hotels...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I know most hotels, they've got the little card,
0:14:16 > 0:14:20but the ones with the proper keys where they have a key ring,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23an enormous key ring, so you can't possibly lose it.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Have you ever had one of those?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Yeah, but you know what you do with them?
0:14:27 > 0:14:28You always take the big part off
0:14:28 > 0:14:30so you can get it into your pocket and then...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Do you? Yeah. You're really not supposed to do that.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I've got one that I use, which is...
0:14:36 > 0:14:42It celebrates one of my favourite clips, it's...
0:14:42 > 0:14:46It's the magician running into the door key ring.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57And you just don't lose this.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02OK. So we've come to the end of that round, I...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I'm worried about putting Richard Branson in,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08partly because...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10CROWD: Go on!
0:15:10 > 0:15:16I'm quite a fan of the Virgin train first-class section.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20I also love the bit when it crosses over the border in Scotland,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24because that's the moment I know I've got first class to myself.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31To hell with it! I'm putting Richard Branson into Room 101.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Right.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Moving on to Diane's next choice.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Microwaves.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Or microwave ovens.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I just don't trust them.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Never have.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02They cook food from the inside out.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03I don't know why.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05It's not natural, is it?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08It's a bizarre order of events.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It uses gamma rays, I was reading about these.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13These use gamma rays, and I thought,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15"Where have I heard of gamma rays before?"
0:16:15 > 0:16:18And then I realised, it was the Hulk.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20The Incredible Hulk.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Oh, yes?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25That must be why I don't like microwaves.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28It's one of the great inventions of the last 100 years, isn't it,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31the microwave? I think in ten years they'll be saying,
0:16:31 > 0:16:35"Oh, my God, I can't believe that people used to use microwave ovens."
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I think with kids, you've got to use them, though, haven't you?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Because you've got to get some calories into these monsters.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48And you can't be going, "Well, you guys chop the parsley?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"I'll get the mushrooms." You know, you've just got to slam some, like,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53pasta ready-meal into a microwave
0:16:53 > 0:16:57and then just scrape it into their faces.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Before they go insane.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02But you could use a saucepan, it'll take 20 minutes.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I've not got 20 minutes.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I've got, like, two minutes, tops.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08At certain points, you need a microwave.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Exactly, you can't get the slow cooker out for kids.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17"Just sit down, do some crayoning for eight hours.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19"And we'll all gather around."
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Nothing tastes better having come out of a microwave.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I don't need it... I just want it to taste warmer.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30You can use a hair dryer for that.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Funny you should say that. What about this as a method?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37This is how to heat a slice of pizza in a hotel room.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Would you rather do that?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I'd rather do that than a microwave.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49OK. What about these onion rings?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54That looks safe!
0:17:56 > 0:18:00See, I like the fact that with a microwave I can do my exercises
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and the ding goes off and then I can just get my food.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I know the time's done.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08How long do your exercises take?
0:18:08 > 0:18:13I do, like, a two-minute thing, and I'll do my press-ups and my sit-ups,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15and I know I've done two minutes
0:18:15 > 0:18:17when the ding goes off and then I get my food.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19That is perfect. It's like a workout before my meal.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21See? Set a timer!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24But then you don't get food at the end of it.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25You don't get the motivation.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You don't get radioactive food.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Yeah, but if Nicola had a slow cooker,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33she'd be absolutely wrecked by the time her food was there.
0:18:33 > 0:18:39I st... With ordinary ovens, I stare a lot at food cooking.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41It's one of the great thrills of my life,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43is wa... Sausages,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46cos you...you know they've been pricked before you put them in -
0:18:46 > 0:18:48that was the only food preparation I knew
0:18:48 > 0:18:50for the first 25 years of my life,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53was that you had to do that to sausages.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57And when you watch them cook and you see the-the fat coming through that,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I find that genuinely exciting.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Do you do your sausages in the microwave?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Usually not. Hm.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05When I was a kid, we used to eat raw sausages.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Anyone else do that? Yeah!
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Yeah!
0:19:10 > 0:19:15Yeah, so we used to get 'em, and, like, squeeze them out of their skin, like...
0:19:17 > 0:19:19But-but why?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22You were too poor to afford fire?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Our mum used to give us raw sausages to keep us going
0:19:30 > 0:19:31while she was cooking.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Raw meat?!
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Yeah. It was like, you know when you get the stuff out of a toothpaste tube, you have to sort of...
0:19:40 > 0:19:45It was like that, and the pink meat would come out like that...
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Yeah. What did it taste like?
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Tasted pretty much like raw sausage.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53OK, so to Frankie.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Celebrity atheists. I am an atheist...
0:20:02 > 0:20:05but I don't like celebrity atheists. I was a very bad Catholic.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Unless you include my attitude to condoms,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09in which case, I was an amazing Catholic.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16But I don't like the judgmental nature of celebrity atheists.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I think religions... Some religions have done good things.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22The Quakers fought against the Vietnam War,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24liberation theology in Central America.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Those people got killed standing up for poor people,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29and what's the reward?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31To be looked down on by Ricky Gervais.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist
0:20:35 > 0:20:37when I watched Derek get recommissioned twice.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:45I just sort of think,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48you know, we all need something to get through.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52And why stand in judgment on what other people need?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55So Ricky Gervais, or Richard Dawkins, or whoever,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58they need re-tweets, or whatever they need.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00And other people need different things.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I think... I hope Dawkins, when he dies,
0:21:04 > 0:21:05goes to the pearly gates
0:21:05 > 0:21:09and instead of St Peter, it's a talking chimp
0:21:09 > 0:21:11who goes, "You got it all wrong, mate."
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I just feel the whole thing sort of...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17The whole thing's a bit religious.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21You know, so it's the idea of certainty, to me, is very religious.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24The idea of judgment is very religious and it's blaming God.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25It's blaming religion.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28They go, "Oh, religion causes violence."
0:21:28 > 0:21:31OK, some violence is caused by religion,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34some violence is caused by lager.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Some violence is caused by people cheating at pool.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41But at the moment when you go, "I'm blaming that on God,"
0:21:41 > 0:21:45that's like you don't get any mayonnaise in your Chicken Zinger,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48and you blame it on Colonel Sanders.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I can sense Nicola here thinking,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53"What's wrong with violence all of a sudden?"
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Well, this is a difficult one for me.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I am a practising Roman Catholic,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02so I'm sort of against celebrity atheists for other reasons than you.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I mean, I don't mind anyone being an atheist -
0:22:04 > 0:22:09that's sort of a little bit more elbow room in paradise for me.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15But I think what's happened is being an atheist,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18or a celebrity atheist, is incredibly cool.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21And it's also sort of associated with science and all that,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25so it's like that's all the intelligent people, you know,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29like Stephen Fry and Dawkins, they're all atheists.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32So it's like there's an elite gentlemen's club
0:22:32 > 0:22:36with Dawkins and Stephen Fry sitting chatting.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39And I'm in Julie's Pantry with Cliff Richard.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43It's a bit like... you know when a toddler goes,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45"Oh, I think I saw a fairy. Is that a fairy?"
0:22:45 > 0:22:47And you go, "No, it's just a moth."
0:22:49 > 0:22:51And then you tweet all day about how it's just a moth,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54and you write a book about how it's just a moth.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57It's like, nobody asked you people to do this.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Nobody asked Ricky Gervais to do this.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00It's like one of those people,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02you know those people who used to direct you
0:23:02 > 0:23:05into a parking space without being asked?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Like, come on, mate! You've just taken this on yourself!
0:23:08 > 0:23:13Here's a Stephen Fry quote which probably sums it all up.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14He said...
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Stephen Fry.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28He certainly will.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31LAUGHTER
0:23:33 > 0:23:35OK, and so to Nicola.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46This is exactly the reason.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48What? Like, you can never look good.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I mean, you've got to wrap up.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51It's cold.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It's always raining.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57You know, it's not me. I'm a summer person.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Summer clothes.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01It's hard to look good in winter.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05I suspect the reason for this is, if you don't mind me saying,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07that you're in great shape.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10And you don't want to hide that away. Is that right? Exactly.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Yeah. OK.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13I mean, I understand that.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16We have a picture of you in your...
0:24:16 > 0:24:17AUDIENCE WHOOP
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Well, exactly. I used to have quite a flat stomach.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22In the '90s.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25And every picture of me that was taken, I used to get it out.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26I was so pleased.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29This is just a standard paparazzi shot.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32And as soon as... Look.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I was so happy with that.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38But now I look forward to it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40You can take it down now.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I look forward to winter now at my age.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46The more multilayers, the better.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52I think boxers are famous for their style, for their fashion.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54So we've got a few to look at.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55That's Mike Tyson.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01That looks like he's leaned on something and people...
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Yeah! It just shows you how little people can tell him the truth.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"Is this a nice jacket?" "Sure, Mike."
0:25:10 > 0:25:14And this is...this is Chris Eubank.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15That's pretty cool.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17No? No. You don't like that?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Why is he wearing the monocle thing?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Like, what's that about?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Because I think it's fair to say he's slightly eccentric.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Have you met Chris Eubank?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Yeah. How was it?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30How did it go? It was an experience.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35I met Chris Eubank at a film premiere.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Did he shake your hand?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Yes. Did he squeeze it really, really hard?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41No. No, he probably wouldn't with you.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45I think with men, he really, really squeezes your hand,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48very, very tight indeed, just to prove he's...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50See, I'm funny with handshakes,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I don't like when people squeeze my hand really tight.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53No. I didn't like it.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It's your tools, isn't it?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I saw him shake hands with Jeff Goldblum -
0:25:57 > 0:25:59you know Jeff Goldblum, the actor? Yeah.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02And he really squeezed it and Jeff Goldblum was doing...
0:26:02 > 0:26:05And you know Jeff Goldblum speaks in a slightly...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06And he's going,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09AS JEFF GOLDBLUM: "That is... um...hurting me."
0:26:11 > 0:26:15OK, so at the end of that round...
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Microwaves, I'm completely dependent on.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I've almost abandoned all other forms of cooking.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25I don't mind going blind in one eye if I get a meat pie in two minutes.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Well, you know what, I can talk about winter clothes for ever,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36but I'm still putting celebrity atheists into Room 101.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Right.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52What is Diane's choice?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58CHEERING
0:26:58 > 0:27:00BOO
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Who booed then?!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Who can possibly like M's World?
0:27:06 > 0:27:10If I was Mayor of London, I'd get a bulldozer
0:27:10 > 0:27:12and I'd go straight through it.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Perhaps you should explain what it is for those who don't live in...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Yeah. It's a superstore that basically just sells M's.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26And people go in there, tourists go in there, God knows why.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29It's just blatant commercialism.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I-I can't... Well, it's a shop.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37It's a shop, but it's sold as, like, Charlie's chocolate factory or something.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40It's got nothing in it apart from M's!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42It's M's World!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I know, but I refuse to go. I've never been in.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48I refuse to go in, but I know people that've been in
0:27:48 > 0:27:50and they all say it's appalling.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58I mean, most tourist attractions are pretty shit, aren't they?
0:27:58 > 0:28:02But M's World...
0:28:02 > 0:28:07makes the Keswick Pencil Museum look like Disneyland, Florida.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Isn't everything in it themed round M's?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15So you can get a leather jacket and it's got a kind of like Elvis
0:28:15 > 0:28:18on the back, but Elvis is like an M?
0:28:18 > 0:28:23I was in there, and there's like a big kind of painting on one of the walls, it's King Henry VIII,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25but King Henry VIII is an M
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Someone was standing in front of it getting their photo taken,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32I was just thinking, "We are doomed."
0:28:32 > 0:28:36There's no way humanity's going to survive. There's no reason that King Henry VIII would be an M
0:28:36 > 0:28:38What's that mean?
0:28:38 > 0:28:44This is an example of what you see wandering about in M World.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Yeah. It's an M, and it's...
0:28:49 > 0:28:51I mean, I think a lot of the people
0:28:51 > 0:28:54who go in there can identify with this as a body shape.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01But what they've done, they've made M's into little creatures,
0:29:01 > 0:29:05and I think the children are drawn in, they're walking round the displays...
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Children are idiots, though. They don't know what they're doing.
0:29:08 > 0:29:14It means that any company that had a familiar figure associated with it,
0:29:14 > 0:29:16I think could pull this off.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18so Liquorice Allsorts, for example,
0:29:18 > 0:29:20have got Bertie Bassett.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24There is no reason why there couldn't be a Liquorice Allsorts World.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28He's got everything, Bertie Bassett. There's even the walking stick,
0:29:28 > 0:29:32so a sort of role model for the disabled...
0:29:34 > 0:29:38..although I once mentioned that on the radio and someone pointed out
0:29:38 > 0:29:41that it's not a functional walking stick
0:29:41 > 0:29:46because it's not long enough to support a creature of that height,
0:29:46 > 0:29:48which I liked.
0:29:48 > 0:29:53I think maybe he lost a foot to diabetes and then lost all his other body parts as well.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01Are you aware of the fact, Diane, that at M World, they...
0:30:01 > 0:30:04you can get personalised M's?
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Yeah, I am aware of that.
0:30:06 > 0:30:07Do you have any?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09No. I do.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12What I did, as a bit of a treat,
0:30:12 > 0:30:18is I had some Diane Morgan M's made...
0:30:18 > 0:30:21and I think they're quite good. Look at that.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32All right.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39Tastes a little bit more northern than usual.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42There's a whole bowl there for you to share amongst your friends.
0:30:42 > 0:30:43Oh, great.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50OK, and so to Nicola.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03It's just... It's just one of those annoying things.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07It just feels like I've only been asleep for, like, five minutes
0:31:07 > 0:31:08and then my alarm goes off
0:31:08 > 0:31:13and it's just the worst... it's the worst feeling ever.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15If this was your alarm clock, Nicola,
0:31:15 > 0:31:18and it went off in the morning like this...
0:31:18 > 0:31:20BELL LIKE IN A BOXING RING
0:31:23 > 0:31:26..would you wake up actually...
0:31:26 > 0:31:29I don't know. You're probably right!
0:31:29 > 0:31:31Ready to fight! Yeah!
0:31:31 > 0:31:32I love the idea of that.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35I'd love to... I was going to say I'd love to try it,
0:31:35 > 0:31:37but that's got all sorts of connotations.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40I'd have to come to your house, be in your bedroom...
0:31:40 > 0:31:45My son is four, and he's got one of those baby monitor things,
0:31:45 > 0:31:51and in the mornings, he gets really close to the baby monitor in his room, and he goes,
0:31:51 > 0:31:54"Cock a doodle doo!"
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Which is how I imagine in prison...
0:32:00 > 0:32:07that's how sort of...the henchman of Mr Big would wake you up in the morning, to intimidate you!
0:32:07 > 0:32:10It's really... Very, very shocking.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14How much sleep do you think you need?
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Oh, at least, like, nine hours.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17OK.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19I'm going to ask you a question
0:32:19 > 0:32:21and I'll give you two hours either way.
0:32:21 > 0:32:29In a day, how long do you think on average a tiger sleeps?
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Five hours?
0:32:31 > 0:32:3415.8 hours,
0:32:34 > 0:32:37a tiger sleeps on average a day.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40What a waste of a life!
0:32:40 > 0:32:43They've not got that much to do, though, have they?
0:32:43 > 0:32:48I'm going to write a book about it called The Shuteye Of The Tiger.
0:32:51 > 0:32:52What about the giraffe?
0:32:52 > 0:32:57On average, they sleep 1.9 hours a day, the giraffe.
0:32:57 > 0:33:02Which is a horrible image, of the giraffe, like, in pitch darkness...
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Isn't it? It's a sad, sad image.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17Tossing and turning... I don't know if they even lie down, giraffes.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Be very hard to get back up.
0:33:19 > 0:33:25I imagine they maybe hook their heads in the sort of fork of a branch.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33This is why the BBC needs David Attenborough, really,
0:33:33 > 0:33:36cos I think we've given a very inaccurate picture
0:33:36 > 0:33:39of the life of giraffes.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42These numbers are spot on. 1.9 hours a day.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Imagine how much you'd get done!
0:33:45 > 0:33:48OK, and so to Frankie.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02I just feel life is hugely overrated.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06I know... Actually, it's always quite weird Scotland
0:34:06 > 0:34:10comes top of these "how happy are you with your life?" studies.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12And I think that's because
0:34:12 > 0:34:16researchers don't really understand sarcasm.
0:34:16 > 0:34:22But I think, do you ever just open your eyes in the morning and go,
0:34:22 > 0:34:24"Not this again."
0:34:24 > 0:34:26If someone said to you,
0:34:26 > 0:34:29"Oh, we'll go and see a movie that was, like, the day of your life,"
0:34:29 > 0:34:31you know, it's going to be 16 hours long,
0:34:31 > 0:34:32nothing really happens,
0:34:32 > 0:34:35and in the middle the main character has to go for a poo...
0:34:35 > 0:34:37LAUGHTER
0:34:37 > 0:34:39..you probably wouldn't go.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40It peaks early.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Life peaks at about 12, maybe,
0:34:43 > 0:34:47and then it just starts to get worse and worse, and I'm now, like, 44.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50I've got a body like a dropped lasagne.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Women look at my naked body
0:34:53 > 0:34:57in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04And we've all just got to kind of... we've got to make it through.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07Having had the high points of life already, you know,
0:35:07 > 0:35:10by the time you reach a certain age, you've heard your favourite song,
0:35:10 > 0:35:15you've met the person you love the most, there's nobody who's 65 sitting about going,
0:35:15 > 0:35:18"Oh, that Angry Birds movie is the film I've waited all my life for."
0:35:20 > 0:35:22And there's almost no consolation.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26So we're supposed to say, "Oh, you know, life's about love,
0:35:26 > 0:35:28"loving people and being loved in return,"
0:35:28 > 0:35:30and I think, really,
0:35:30 > 0:35:33we're in relationships because we don't want to die alone.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Which is why I've always planned
0:35:35 > 0:35:37on taking quite a lot of people with me.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42You know, if someone gave you a drug that was love,
0:35:42 > 0:35:45and warned you what the withdrawal was going to be like,
0:35:45 > 0:35:46you wouldn't take it.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48If someone said, "Take this, it's amazing,
0:35:48 > 0:35:51"but afterwards you're going to feel like you're having
0:35:51 > 0:35:53"open heart surgery performed by a swarm of wasps..."
0:35:53 > 0:35:55LAUGHTER
0:35:55 > 0:35:57..you wouldn't do it.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:07 > 0:36:10You see, Nicola, you don't get this on A Question Of Sport.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16I mean, we're having a lovely time, aren't we?
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Professional comedians and all that.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21This is sort of just a distraction for it, isn't it?
0:36:21 > 0:36:24For people. What is? Life?
0:36:24 > 0:36:25No, this show, you know.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Maybe it's just me, but I...
0:36:33 > 0:36:36I'm quite chirpy about it all.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40Like, for example, here's a thing. I'm right-handed.
0:36:40 > 0:36:45And so cutting the nails on my right hand, with my left hand,
0:36:45 > 0:36:47I find quite tricky.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51So what I do, I do that hand first,
0:36:51 > 0:36:54and then I've got the easy bit to look forward to.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00And I think that's how you have to construct life.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03So you're always... Deferred gratification,
0:37:03 > 0:37:05you're always looking forward to the next peak.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07That was like Buddha.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Thanks very much.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14But, I mean, it's probably better than death? Is it?
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Oh, a lot better.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18To be honest, I was just having a hard week
0:37:18 > 0:37:20when they asked me to choose the thing.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27For some people, I think you'd agree,
0:37:27 > 0:37:30life seems... Everything seems to go perfectly for them.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Wouldn't you say? You know those sort of people.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35You take this crowd surfer.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50I know what you're thinking, it might well be full of urine.
0:37:51 > 0:37:57OK, so, I don't think I'm going to put life itself
0:37:57 > 0:37:59into Room 101.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02I mean, that has enormous implications for the rest of the series.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06But you're right - getting woken up is horrible,
0:38:06 > 0:38:07and I think, you know,
0:38:07 > 0:38:10people should respect a double gold medal winner
0:38:10 > 0:38:13and just let her sleep, build her muscles up.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16I'm going to put getting woken up into Room 101.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Well done, Frankie, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:38:31 > 0:38:33so you are this week's winner.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35APPLAUSE
0:38:39 > 0:38:44Thanks very much, Frankie Boyle, Diane Morgan and Nicola Adams.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46And thank you, good night.