0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:39 > 0:00:44the show in which three guests battle to get the things they hate into the dreaded Room 101.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46In each round, only one item can be chosen
0:00:46 > 0:00:48and the final decision is mine.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50So, let's meet the guests.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Joining me tonight are comedian Robert Webb, presenter Fern Britton and broadcaster, Danny Baker.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:03OK, let's have our first category.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Growing Up.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Let's have a look what Robert Webb didn't like about growing up.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:24This is PE.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28I was a very skinny, weedy child...
0:01:28 > 0:01:32physically under-confident, ashamed of my puniness
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and PE was where it all came home to roost.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39And especially football, that's where my real anti-talent lay.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I was very good at finding a space, run into a space,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44very loudly call for the ball,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46in the full knowledge that no-one in their right mind
0:01:46 > 0:01:48was going to pass me the ball,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52because they'd all individually tried that before, they'd been down that road,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54and what I would do was receive the ball and fall over it.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Receive the ball, fall over it. - Can I ask you a question?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Yes.- Did you play for West Bromwich Albion in the '90s?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:01 > 0:02:04So, you look back on it with hate?
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Yeah, well really, yeah.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I mean, when I first got to my secondary school,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11they would say things like, "Robert plays," on school reports,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"Robert plays football with...a quiet determination
0:02:14 > 0:02:17"and has lots of good ideas."
0:02:17 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I learnt a lot in PE, I think.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25- I can flick a fly off a wall now with the corner of the towel. - CHUCKLING
0:02:25 > 0:02:31- I got SO good at that, didn't you do that?- I didn't really go "Swish!" - Whoa, when was that lesson?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Did girls not do this...- We didn't. - ..when you flick each other with the towels?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Course they did. Didn't they? - No, absolutely not!
0:02:37 > 0:02:38What did you do?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- I removed warts and all sorts of things. - GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- Did you, did you have these at school?- Beanbags.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- Yes.- Ah, but the opposite side of that, in PE, was the medicine ball.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Now I don't know what a medicine ball is supposed to do,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- but whatever...- Break people's necks.- Yeah.- Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:57And inevitably you'd try and kick it.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00And if you've ever kicked a medicine ball,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02it sends this lightning bolt up to the back of your head...
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Yeah, well, the really thick kids would try and head it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- Well, it just so happens...- Oh, no, he's got one. He has one!- Yes.- Ooh.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Because of child obesity, they don't use them now
0:03:12 > 0:03:16because it reminds kids of the Terry's Chocolate Orange.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:21It drives them crazy. Did you Hula Hoop though?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- Hula Hoop was a big thing at our school.- Yeah.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- No, we didn't...- We used to have this thing where they'd roll the Hula Hoop
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- and you had to dive through it while it was moving.- Wow!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Now, you see, that sounds, that's quite fun.- Yeah.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- I'm all up for that, that's fine. - I should say, I was the only child at our school,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- all the others were police dogs. - LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:37APPLAUSE
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Hokey cokey!
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Let's see what Fern Britton didn't like about growing up.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53I didn't like and don't like homework.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Do you still get it?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I have to live in a house with four children who do homework.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- Oh, OK.- And my kids, each teacher says to them,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05"Just 20 minutes a night, that's all you need to do
0:04:05 > 0:04:08"to write this 100,000 word essay.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:14"If you don't finish it, don't worry, you'll just be in detention."
0:04:14 > 0:04:16And if they get four subjects a night,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19my boys sit up till two o'clock in the morning doing it.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20- No!- Yes, they do.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21And I think it's outrageous.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Yes, they're pushing them hard at school,
0:04:23 > 0:04:27yes, they're working hard at school but please let them come home
0:04:27 > 0:04:31and flop about and enjoy, you know, a bit of fun on their computers
0:04:31 > 0:04:34and a bit of supper and a bit of telly and do what they want to do.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- That's what I think. Yes. - APPLAUSE
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- Is it really that bad?- Yes!
0:04:42 > 0:04:47- Oh, no, it really is.- Thank you, Danny.- I mean, I'm cancelling mine, I'm voting with you on this.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48I've just realised.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50You see, the thing is, just to take it further,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53it's not going to make you any brighter. It isn't.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56As I've said before, if schools made you bright,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59if the better the school made you a brighter person,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Parliament would be full of geniuses.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03And it ain't! It's not.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Yeah, but you know, if I agree and put this in Room 101,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I don't want thousands of kids going into school
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and the teacher saying, "Where's your homework?",
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- and they're saying, "It's in Room 101, sir.". - LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I'm just going to give you a little insight.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27If people don't do their homework, and get that extra brain power in,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30this is what the nation ends up like.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32What is the usual name for the large white bear
0:05:32 > 0:05:34that is native to Arctic regions?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35- Penguin? - LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Polar.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39We asked 100 people to name a famous Arthur.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Kenny?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Erm...Shakespeare. - Arthur Shakespeare?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:48A seventeenth century physician who discovered the true nature
0:05:48 > 0:05:51of the circulation of blood around the human body was William who?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- Shatner.- Harvey.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:58 > 0:06:01OK, you've argued your case well.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Oh, thank you.
0:06:02 > 0:06:08So, let's find out what Danny wants to put into the Growing Up category.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18The concept that some people have,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22and still have, and was born at school, the concept of COOL.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Now, you may say I had no choice in that matter
0:06:25 > 0:06:29but I've got a written statement, which I want to read out.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Oh, really?- And I'm prepared to take questions on the other side of it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34FRANK LAUGHS
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"The concept of cool is without doubt the most specious,
0:06:37 > 0:06:42"spineless, worthless affectation in the entire wide wide world of masculine horse dung.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47"Cool and its stupid rules perfectly sum-up the humourless, vacuous,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"pompous lack of genuine experience in males
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"and sounds the death nail on true emotion.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57"Cool is juvenalia. Cool is arrested development.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"Cool is for small people with their noses eternally pressed-up
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"against the real window of achievement. They are dead.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"Impotently grading everything in tiny detail,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10"from shoes to the moon landing, in a flailing effort
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"to project an iota of genuine personality and self-worth."
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Thank you. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:20 > 0:07:24One of the problems with this, Danny, is I think you're quite cool.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Do you Twitter?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- All the time.- Oh, do you? - Yeah, ALL the time.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33He's just blown the argument really, hasn't he?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Yeah, that's quite cool.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37It's not... No, hang on, if you'd have gone back 50 years,
0:07:37 > 0:07:41"Do you make phone calls?", "Yes, I do.", "Ooh! Oh, ho-ho!"
0:07:41 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- Don't get me wrong, you know... - No, no.- I can look at something like James Dean and think
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"If we acknowledge this thing exists, that will be it,"
0:07:51 > 0:07:54but what I don't like are people who live their lives by it
0:07:54 > 0:07:56and judge others by it.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I started a small campaign, on this radio show I do...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02You know these guys in their long black leather jacket,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- the sort of crazy goth look?- Yeah.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08If you see anyone with a long black leather jacket, you have to go...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- KENNETH WILLIAMS IMITATION: - "Oooh, Matrix!"
0:08:11 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:20I have some pictures of me when I was a young man trying to be cool,
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- which I am prepared to open up to the public, right.- Ooh, yes!
0:08:24 > 0:08:28This is me in a photo booth trying to be cool.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Wow!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35I think the secret there is looking slightly off camera, in a PHOTO booth.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- And...- With a slight pout.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Yes, slightly open mouth.- That worked very well.- Did you like it?
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- Yeah. Weren't you pleased with that at the time? - Oh, God, I was thrilled!- Yeah!
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- I made a vow that one day I would get it on television. - LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:55OK then, it comes to the point of my decision and it's a tough one this.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I don't think I can put PE in, Robert, because...
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- It's because of the fat kids, isn't it?- Well, I think it just helps too many children
0:09:03 > 0:09:06and in the age of obesity, we need it desperately.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08The other two are very close,
0:09:08 > 0:09:13but I've like got a kind of a soft spot for cool I think,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16cos I think we all have to have something to belong to.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18The homework thing you have opened my eyes to.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I didn't know it was as bad as it was. I think...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24for practical reasons and evangelical reasons,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- I am going to put homework into Room 101.- Hear, hear!
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Thank you.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Anyway, let's move on to the next category.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Film and Television.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51So let's see what winds Fern Britton up about Film and TV.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Science Fiction.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02- No!- Yes!
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- GROANING - Yes, it does, absolutely. - Are you on that one?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- No.- Science fiction. A, it's not real.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13That's why the word "fiction" is in it!
0:10:13 > 0:10:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Well...
0:10:17 > 0:10:22..I agree but tell that to these people who think that it is real
0:10:22 > 0:10:24and treat it as some kind of religion.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28AND why is it always set in the future?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Because, of course, that's all made-up.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35I'd like to see some sci-fi from history or present day.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40- Past or present would be more interesting...- "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away!"
0:10:40 > 0:10:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50That was very clever and I'll give you that
0:10:50 > 0:10:52but, unfortunately, it shows you're a nerd.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Me and quite a few MILLIONS of other nerds.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Yeah, including me. - LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:07Carry on - not that you haven't got every chance of getting science fiction in!
0:11:07 > 0:11:12Why do they always imagine that these outer space creatures are going to look human
0:11:12 > 0:11:15but with some kind of mask on them, that's it,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17and talk in a funny voice, and wear a cape,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and have extreme chest muscles, and ten feet?
0:11:20 > 0:11:25I don't understand any of it. ANY of it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Doctor Who, I think, is the most dreary thing on there...
0:11:28 > 0:11:29ZAPPING
0:11:29 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Hold on, let me, let me, you think Doctor Who is dreary?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Drea-ry!- Argh, God!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I've tried to watch Star Wars three times
0:11:46 > 0:11:50and I've never got past the first 12 minutes, I've always fallen asleep.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Well, your kids take nine hours to do their homework!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I mean, I'm sorry, but I'm...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04you know, this might not be the cleverest family in Britain.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Yeah, and the big problem with Star Wars is,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- there's quite a lot of reading at the beginning, isn't there?- Yeah.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I'm just going to see this off for good.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20ORIGINAL STAR TREK BEAMING UP SOUND
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- Oh, I thought it would de-materialise, but it didn't.- Oh!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Worth a try, isn't it? Worth a try.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33OK, what winds-up Robert Webb about TV and film?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:44 > 0:12:48This is the Jeremy Kyle Show.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52This is a show where lots of very angry, very upset,
0:12:52 > 0:12:57rather stupid, I mean, you know, by definition, idiotic people...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Sci-fi fans.- ..because...
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Not always sci-fi fans, Fern, and I think you should let that go
0:13:03 > 0:13:07because it's not going to be part of the discussion any more.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Where lots of very unfortunate people are invited on a show
0:13:12 > 0:13:15to talk through their problems with,
0:13:15 > 0:13:20by the method of verbally and sometimes physically hurting each other,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23and they're helped through this process by a presenter
0:13:23 > 0:13:26with the heart and soul and voice of a Dalek.
0:13:26 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER And it's a bear pit, it's disgusting, and I hate it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Yeah, but I see Jeremy Kyle as the 21st century Dr Dolittle.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44LAUGHTER
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I think the people who make it are really, and they'll say,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50"You know what, we get 1.5 million viewers,"
0:13:50 > 0:13:52well, you shouldn't, shame on you, again.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56The people who make it, the producers, the production companies who make it,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58really should be shovelling manure in sewers
0:13:58 > 0:14:00for a more honourable way to make a living.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02They must, honestly.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:06 > 0:14:07There are things I like about it.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I love the fact, like wait...
0:14:10 > 0:14:14when you get the commercial break to find out the result of the DNA test,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18it's like, it's the working class version of the conundrum on Countdown.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20LAUGHTER
0:14:20 > 0:14:25Wordsworth, in Tintern Abbey, spoke of, "that best portion of a good man's life,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29"his little nameless unremembered acts of kindness and of love.",
0:14:29 > 0:14:33and there are lots of things in popular culture that fall well short of that
0:14:33 > 0:14:38- but I think it's the Jeremy Kyle Show that is most strenuously trying to pull us away from it.- Yeah.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40APPLAUSE
0:14:43 > 0:14:47OK, well that's your anti-Jeremy Kyle Show.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I'm going to show a clip that I think everyone in here will say,
0:14:50 > 0:14:54"No, no, it's too brilliant to ever be taken off television."
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I thought you were sending explicit pictures of your private parts to her?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I've sent one and I'd had a bad day at work.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:03 > 0:15:07You had a bad day at work so you send her an explicit picture of your...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09She was asking me to.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- No, I was not!- Yes, you was!
0:15:11 > 0:15:12No, I wasn't.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Then she got me arrested for harassment,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17nine weeks ago.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Why did she get you done for harassment?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Cos I was harassing her all the time.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:26 > 0:15:31No, but there was something very honest and sort of confessional about it, which I...
0:15:31 > 0:15:36No, he never said, "No, I didn't do that," or, "I wasn't," he's very...
0:15:36 > 0:15:40I don't know if you get that kind of honesty amongst non-Kylists.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:46So, OK, so let's see what Danny wants to put into TV and film.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Panel shows. With...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:04With...somehow bottom of the bill comedians.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:12You know. He's not, he can't be a bottom of the bill comedian.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14You turn on, and you go through the channels,
0:16:14 > 0:16:19and there are too many shows where halfway-witted people
0:16:19 > 0:16:22are pretending to find things funny.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Let me tell you something...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30No, no, withhold!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Withhold. A little back story.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37And, otherwise people are saying, "What are you here tonight for?"
0:16:37 > 0:16:39So, obviously, there are good...
0:16:39 > 0:16:44I believe QI and Have I Got News For You may have started this virus
0:16:44 > 0:16:47but if I have to turn on channels like Dave
0:16:47 > 0:16:49and see shows again where people are screeching...
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- They're going to repeat this on Dave.- I know, and we...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:56 > 0:16:58So, can I just say, they repeat them on Dave
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- and do we get paid for the repeats? No.- No!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Well, I'm with you there. I'm with you there, love.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- LAUGHTER - So...- I'm with you there, love.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I think a Jeremy Kyle show that's been through college, that's all.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:17 > 0:17:20See, I think you don't like panel shows
0:17:20 > 0:17:22because you don't like other people talking.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:17:25 > 0:17:27APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:32And so, come on, telly, I know it's cheap
0:17:32 > 0:17:34and I know these people all want to put it on their CV
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- but that's not a game show. Let somebody win...- Do you put...
0:17:37 > 0:17:42- Instead of the fees they all get, give it to some...- Do you put game shows on your CV?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- No,- I- don't.- Were you going to put Room 101 on your CV?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- No, no.- Which, by the way, is a comedy panel show!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49It's not, there is no opposition...
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I daren't move because of the thin ice that you've created around you.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Well, I've got to say, you know, and as Elvis Costello said in Radio Radio,
0:17:57 > 0:18:01"I want to bite the hand that feeds me," I actually don't like them.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- That's cool.- Yeah...- You are cool!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:09 > 0:18:14OK, well I've come to my decision, not science fiction, and...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:16 > 0:18:21..then if I put panel shows in, I'm going to be severely out of work.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24So, and also I don't know what happens to the rest of the show.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Do we have to just close down and sit in front of a bare brick...
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Oh, we already are. So... So, in a way by default,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- I am going to put the Jeremy Kyle Show into Room 101.- Quite right, quite right.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:47 > 0:18:49OK, the next category.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59It's the Wildcard round because sometimes we think we constrain you too much in your dislikes...
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- Really?- ..but now we want to give you all the freedom in the world.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05You can pick anything you don't like at all.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09So, let's have a look and see what is Fern Britton's Wildcard?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Dinner parties.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22Dinner parties are, and I'm not talking about getting...
0:19:22 > 0:19:24OK, I know...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Yeah, what exactly do you eat at dinner parties? - LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:33- These...- I don't mean to be disrespectful to our colleagues in the art department but...
0:19:33 > 0:19:34LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Can I just say, before you say this, 8.30, BBC One.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I was going to say, it looks like some, just some worms. I wasn't...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Oh, OK.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I think it's the same...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- No, it doesn't, not that one hanging over the edge doesn't!- No!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I was hoping no-one would mention that one.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01This is obviously a prawn cocktail, clearly. But dinner parties!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Now, I'm not talking about those nice evenings
0:20:03 > 0:20:08when you get mates round and you can have spaghetti bolognese around the kitchen table
0:20:08 > 0:20:10and it goes into something that's quite interesting
0:20:10 > 0:20:13and you all have a quick glass of wine and it's nice.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I'm talking about a formal dinner party that a friend,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19colleague, acquaintance, whatever, has invited you to.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24You leave work knowing you, "Oh, I wish I'd said no!
0:20:24 > 0:20:28"Can I have a headache? Can I have a tooth missing? Can I not go to this dinner party?"
0:20:28 > 0:20:33And when you start, the person you want to sit next to is your partner, who you haven't seen all week.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oh, no, they're shot up the other end of the table
0:20:35 > 0:20:39so you can't speak to them and you're left with some dullard!
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- LAUGHTER - And then at the end, the women all go off into one room
0:20:43 > 0:20:47or get down one end of the table and start talking about children and homework
0:20:47 > 0:20:50and all of those things, and ALL women can hear the men laughing
0:20:50 > 0:20:52and saying something much more interesting
0:20:52 > 0:20:55but we're trying to be sisterly. We'd much rather come and say,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58"What are you saying? What are you laughing about?"
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Are you saying men have more interesting and funny conversations than women?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Yes, yes. I'm afrai... No, no, don't say, I'm not being, that's...
0:21:04 > 0:21:09- You've walked me into a blind alley, there!- Well, I'm sorry.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I was summarising, that's all I was doing.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I'll tell you what I'm not sure about, I don't drink myself,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18but if I take a bottle of wine to a dinner party,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I want to see it drunk, there and then.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Sometimes I'll say I'll take snacks, nobody eats those snacks,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26the snacks don't come out. That's wrong.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I want to see, if I take something,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- they've got to drink or eat it in front of me... - LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:35..before I lea... I'd be a rubbish aid worker.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:42You know that Samuel Pepys insisted on still having a dinner party
0:21:42 > 0:21:44during the Great Fire of London...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Yes.- ..he wouldn't cancel.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50And it says in his diary, we had a fine side of pork, and he said,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54"We all enjoyed the excellent crackling," which was probably next door's house!
0:21:54 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:59The first thing he did when he observed the fire, over the river,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01he buried his Parmesan cheese.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Please, no euphemisms. - LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- Where did he get it? Was it shipped over?- Parmesan cheese!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- You got paid in Parmesan in those days.- Did you?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Yes, I remember doing Give Us A Clue with Frankie... - LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:18OK, let's see what Danny's Wildcard is.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Prince Charles.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:32It's Punk Rock.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I was involved with punk rock myself, we did the first fanzines,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37some might say it led to the career beyond
0:22:37 > 0:22:40cos we did a lot of telly stuff and they thought, "OK."
0:22:40 > 0:22:44But the concept of punk rock these days drives me absolutely insane.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47You hear people talking about the punk revolution
0:22:47 > 0:22:49like it was something noble. I was there, it wasn't.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52It was a load of people who had no idea what they were doing,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55making music which is virtually unlistenable
0:22:55 > 0:22:58and I'm fed up of hearing that punk is somehow terrific.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02So, I'm afraid burning my past, murdering my darlings,
0:23:02 > 0:23:07I've had enough of punk rock and possibly youth culture, full stop.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10It wasn't romantic, it wasn't very exciting,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12it shouldn't be influential but it is.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Well... - LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:20I was one of those tragic men in the audience,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23young men who jumped up and down and I was a very poor spitter,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- all went on the chin! - LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:30But it meant a massive amount to me. I went and saw X-Ray Spex...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Rubbish.- ..and they sounded great,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36and I saw the bass player had got one string on his bass guitar,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38he was just playing it like that,
0:23:38 > 0:23:43and it suddenly made me realise that if you want to get up there and do it, you can do it.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- I don't think I'd be a comedian if it wasn't for punk. - That's why I'm here,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49because I was involved in that and it led on in time.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52You say, it's hard to differentiate between the people who kind of did it
0:23:52 > 0:23:55and the terrible legend around it, which is what I'm talking about.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- And this is the romancing of it and making it noble, as I say.- But, Dan!
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I remember the bouncer at Barbarella's suddenly picking me up,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05carrying me down the hallway, I was quite slim,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09and he said to the bouncer, "Stripy shirt, and the other guy said,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- "No, not him," and he just threw me on the floor! - LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:15That said, I still retain affection for the period,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18and truth be told, I just saw the earring made out of safety pins.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21You can always challenge me, any pair of trousers I wear,
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- just has a little, well I was that soldier right there, look. There's a safety pin.- Really?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- Absolutely true.- You still wear the safety pins?- I still do, yeah...
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Well, really, I can't put punk into Room 101
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- or your trousers will fall down! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:40OK, so what did Robert choose as his Wildcard?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Ah.- Well, now, I've got nothing against mirrors
0:24:48 > 0:24:53but this is merely a tool to show you what I would like to put into Room 101,
0:24:53 > 0:24:57and that is my own bald patch.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Oh, I can't do it. - Maybe it's grown back?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- There it is!- Hey! CHEERING
0:25:05 > 0:25:07There it is, my handsome face
0:25:07 > 0:25:11and my great lagoon of follicle bereavement...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13in the same shot.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17There it is, winking at us like a glassy-eyed toothless man
0:25:17 > 0:25:21that I'll be in the future, beckoning me towards my doom.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Oh, Robert!- Well, yes, I recently turned 39,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28so I think about my own death most days now. LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:31And it's annoying for lots of reasons but the main thing...
0:25:31 > 0:25:35It ages you from the back and it's annoying for work sometimes...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- It ages you from the back? - It ages you from the back,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41it's not nice to look 15 years younger from the front than you do from the back.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- Well, get a hooded top!- You've got a very nice bottom.- Thank you, Fern!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:52But the main thing is that, I've realised from Twitter,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54that there are a lot of people out there
0:25:54 > 0:25:59who think that I might not have noticed.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- That can happen, Robert. - And I'm sort of bringing it up
0:26:03 > 0:26:07because I'm almost, sort of, coming out as a baldy and a slap-head
0:26:07 > 0:26:10because I want people to know, yes, I HAVE noticed.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14A friend of mine said, he had no idea he had a bald patch
0:26:14 > 0:26:18and he was doing that thing, you know, when you lean back on two legs of a chair,
0:26:18 > 0:26:22and he said he leant back and he suddenly felt cold from the wall...against...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25That's a terrible moment, isn't it?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I think it's vulgar for men to hang onto their hair after 35
0:26:28 > 0:26:32and that is the position I've taken. A lot of women like to point it out, don't they?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- "Ooh, you're going a bit up here, ain't you?"- They do a bit, but then...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I like to say, "You've got the opposite problem, haven't you?"
0:26:38 > 0:26:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- I think that...- But women, I've had girlfriends and female friends
0:26:47 > 0:26:51who've told me that no sensible woman cares less...
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- It's true.- ..and I took an early decision to believe them.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- LAUGHTER - But it's not a problem to the majority of women.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Do you want to put your hands up, who's it a problem for?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Just one lady.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- You don't like baldies? - Unfortunately, that's Robert's wife.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I'll see you at home, darling.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER
0:27:10 > 0:27:15OK, so at the end of that, well, I quite like dinner parties,
0:27:15 > 0:27:19it's something I've only discovered in later life
0:27:19 > 0:27:21and I quite like the fun of it.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Punk was a massive thing for me and...
0:27:24 > 0:27:27just for sheer courage, more than anything else,
0:27:27 > 0:27:32and I also I loved the fact that none of us knew you had a bald patch until you exposed it.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37So, I am going to put Robert Webb's bald patch into Room 101.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:52And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well done, Robert, you were the most persuasive one.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56I'm sorry, Fern, you were great.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00- Dan, you are, as you know, an all time hero of mine. - Thank you very much.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04But I thought Robert was spectacular, especially with the bald patch thing.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08And, as winner, you get to put one item unchallenged into Room 101.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12- I shall choose the actor Russell Crowe.- OK.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Because he's a silly man, who's consumed by ego
0:28:16 > 0:28:19and he did do an Irish accent in Robin Hood
0:28:19 > 0:28:22and he shouldn't be so rude to Mark Lawson, who is bald.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- LAUGHTER - Fair enough.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:31OK, Russell Crowe is going in.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Thanks. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Thanks very much to Danny, to Robert and to Fern,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41and thank you, all. Goodnight!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk