0:00:26 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:42the show in which three guests battle to get the things they hate
0:00:42 > 0:00:44into the dreaded Room 101.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Our guest choices have been sorted into categories and in each round
0:00:47 > 0:00:51only one item can be chosen, the final decision is mine.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52So, let's meet the guests.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Joining me tonight are
0:00:53 > 0:00:56comedian Rhod Gilbert, the Apprentice's Nick Hewer
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and the reigning "Rear of the Year", Carol Vorderman.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09OK, can we have the first category, please.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14It's Travel.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And, I'd like to know
0:01:16 > 0:01:18what Carol Vorderman hates about travel.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Wait for it.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Look at that.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Look at that!
0:01:29 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:33 > 0:01:36That is a brilliant prop, I love that.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38When the props are getting applause, what a night it is.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40It's fantastic.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42There are three things, apparently,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46that you need to spend three quarters of your time doing
0:01:46 > 0:01:48while you're camping.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50One of them is keeping dry,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52the other is keeping clean
0:01:52 > 0:01:56and the other is going to the toilet.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And all three are quite difficult.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02I went on the Internet and there is advice that says what you should do,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04get a dustpan and brush and sweep all the bugs up
0:02:04 > 0:02:09every morning from inside your tent and also after every meal.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11This is meant to be a holiday.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- There is a special device for insects, though.- Which is what?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You must have seen one of these.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER
0:02:19 > 0:02:23I can spend hours killing insects with one of these, it's fabulous.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25But it's not just insects, Frank.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28On this website, this woman said, "Oh, we had a hilarious time.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32"We went camping to the New Forest," she said,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35"and the tent smelled of fish for two weeks."
0:02:35 > 0:02:39And she said, "Nobody knew what it was and I cleaned everything,
0:02:39 > 0:02:45"until we picked the tent up and beneath were two squashed toads."
0:02:45 > 0:02:49They'd been living on top of two squashed, this is camping,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51this is a holiday, camping is wrong.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Never do it, it should go immediately into Room 101.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Do not subject any other children to going camping.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I camped for four days in Oxfordshire, two years ago
0:03:02 > 0:03:05and I didn't wash, I didn't change my clothes.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I loved it, I felt I was released from the tyranny of hygiene.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's like being on the school holidays again,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14same pants for weeks.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17For very young children, it must be preserved.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- And not...- Why?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Because kids love the adventure.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22I didn't.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23No, they don't, Nick.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25LAUGHTER
0:03:25 > 0:03:26It's not an adventure.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28We used to go camping when I was a kid through
0:03:28 > 0:03:30the south of France for six ruddy weeks
0:03:30 > 0:03:32and me and my brother and dad in one tent,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34and the only advice I've got is,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37if it looks like Lucozade, it's not always Lucozade.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:44OK, let's see what Rhod Gilbert doesn't like about travel.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:59 > 0:04:02This caravan represents all holidays, Frank.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Once we worked out how to do the rain
0:04:05 > 0:04:07we thought we might as well cash-in.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Holidays, Rhod.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Holidays, well I've never had one
0:04:11 > 0:04:15that wasn't an absolute out and out unmitigated disaster.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Every single holiday has gone disastrously wrong,
0:04:19 > 0:04:20every single one.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23You name one I've had, you probably don't know them, I'll name 'em.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27My parents were teachers, school would break-up, next day,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30instead of hanging around with mates, off we'd go on holiday
0:04:30 > 0:04:32for six weeks, to the south of France
0:04:32 > 0:04:35in a stinking Hillman Avenger estate, with plastic seats,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37all day, terrible heat.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38I get terrible car sickness,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I vomited every single inch of the way around.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43By the time I got to the south of France,
0:04:43 > 0:04:44I was practically inside out.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I had what they called a receptacle, my mother called it a receptacle,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51which is just a Tupperware box, and that's all, for six weeks.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53My brother had magnetic chess,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55my sister had her Etch-a-Sketch and a book.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I used to be there with a Tupperware box,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01that I threw into and the level just rose like that for the whole time.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05And every single holiday right up to the present day.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08This year I've had earache for five days in the Caribbean,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I had a nervous breakdown in the Maldives.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Thanks for laughing at that more than the earache.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Well, I love holidays.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Do you?- I can't imagine anyone not liking them.- They're stressful.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Even if they don't go well, the joy of coming home.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25That's not the holiday, is it?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27No, but even a bad holiday has that,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30you get in and the telly's had a chance to cool down.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And you get that little rainbow film on the water in the toilet.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36This is you advocating holidays
0:05:36 > 0:05:38as your telly's had a chance to cool down.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40No, this is the very worst aspects.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43It's great when you get home and the plugs are a bit cooler
0:05:43 > 0:05:46than when you went away. Certainly changed my mind there(!)
0:05:46 > 0:05:49You'll get no sympathy out of me, a kid off to the south of France!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51We were going to Rhyl!
0:05:51 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:55The only people I knew as a child who'd been abroad had been
0:05:55 > 0:05:56involved in World War II.
0:05:56 > 0:06:02That's true. Let's see what Nick Hewer doesn't like about travel.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Am I going to get soaked again?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Right, this is a train manager.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Oh, train manager.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Train manager. - We thought you said "rain manager".
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- A train manager. - Oh, what a let-down.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Now the point of this is,
0:06:24 > 0:06:30that we just get too much information all over the place.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32But I'm picking trains as a place
0:06:32 > 0:06:35which are particularly noisome places.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37You get on and the first thing you hear is,
0:06:37 > 0:06:42"Good afternoon, I'm Barry, your train manager."
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Do I need to know his name?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Does he know my name? I mean, think about it.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49If there's a little problem,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52are we going to go shuffling off down the train, saying,
0:06:52 > 0:06:53"Anybody seen Barry?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:57We're going to say, "Where's the train manager?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"The coach is on fire." Not, "Where's Barry?"
0:07:00 > 0:07:03He's a manager too, what happened to the guard?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07And from then on it's a constant stream of information,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10most of which is absolutely unnecessary.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14He tells us where we are, we're at Euston.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18We know that, we've just got on his bloody train at Euston.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20And, he tells us then where we're off to.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24We sort of have an idea about that, because that's where we want to go.
0:07:24 > 0:07:30He tells us where the buffet car is, who's running it, "...it's Suzie."
0:07:30 > 0:07:35Any sort of pastry you want, Suzie's got, newspapers, coffees,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38this that and the other thing, and all the rest.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41By the time he's finished, we're in Watford.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- In Watford we're told to take our luggage with us, yeah.- Why?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Because if you don't, we're going to blow it up
0:07:47 > 0:07:51and we're going to follow you and we're going to track you down
0:07:51 > 0:07:54and we'll taser you and eventually shoot you.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57And furthermore, "Take care".
0:07:57 > 0:08:00What are we going to do, toss ourselves off the bloody train?!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:04I've had enough of it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:12I may be intolerant, but really, on balance, too much noise.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I have to say, I'm always glad of an announcement on a train,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18because if I'm on the phone to my girlfriend, it sort of proves
0:08:18 > 0:08:22that I'm on a train and not having an affair in a hotel somewhere.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Sometimes if I am having an affair in a hotel, I'll begin by going...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT TONE
0:08:30 > 0:08:33And it's possible that I might leave some belongings behind
0:08:33 > 0:08:35if I didn't have that reminder,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39and I like being thanked for using the train, it gives it a warmth.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Do you think he means it?- Yes.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Does he give a damn that you're going to come back?
0:08:44 > 0:08:45No, of course he doesn't.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I don't know, they always seems such nice fellows.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50They do little gags and stuff. It's cosy.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I know if I hadn't made it as a comic,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I would have to seek out a tannoy, somewhere.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:01It's the lowest form of showbiz, the train manager.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04OK, well, you argue the case well.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Now I think camping is one of the few chances that we get
0:09:07 > 0:09:10to get back to the soil and to the earth,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13and you have to join in, you have to be at one with the canvas.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17And lots of people in this audience don't have glamorous jobs like us,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20they're slugging away in an office.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23They dream of their holidays, that's all they've got left!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I actually like the train people.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I like the train people as well, but I know what you mean,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31they can be a bit over the top, so it's a very close-run thing,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34but on this occasion, I'm going to go with Nick
0:09:34 > 0:09:37and I'm going to push train managers into Room 101.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- Oh! - Thank you, thank you. Very good.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:51 > 0:09:54And so another category, please.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Ah, well, this is the Wildcard Round,
0:10:01 > 0:10:02in which there is no restraints.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07You can choose anything, anything that you really, really don't like.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10So, what is Rhod Gilbert's wildcard?
0:10:13 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Me. I'm putting myself in.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- What?!- Ahh.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27APPLAUSE
0:10:27 > 0:10:32I don't want sympathy. Oh, thanks for the applause, there!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36I'm lazy, intolerant, stupid.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37I was in my house today,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39the place is disgusting.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42The house is disgusting
0:10:42 > 0:10:45because I can't be bothered to do anything, to lift a finger.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48The ceiling is coming down where somebody stood on it
0:10:48 > 0:10:50and went through it about three years ago.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Three windows are smashed.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55The carpet is... has got so many stains on it,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57it looks like a vet's operating table.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01The only thing I do around the house is, I will wash up,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04and the only reason I do that is because I had a mate in university
0:11:04 > 0:11:08who was even lazier than I was, and he really used to wind me up.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Because once the bowls had gone,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13he'd be having cornflakes out of a saucepan, out of a frying pan.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14And I came home one day
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and he was having a glass of squash out of six egg cups.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:23And, I thought, I never want to be like that,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26so I wash up and that is the only thing that I do.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30If I put you into Room 101, right, so then you'd be gone.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34You'd be in there with people like Richard Madeley, twice, actually.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:40What would happen to this guy?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44So on Saturday I went to the Lowry Theatre in Salford,
0:11:44 > 0:11:45to watch Rhod Gilbert.
0:11:45 > 0:11:51It was the best and funniest show I've ever, ever seen.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54And then after the show I met Rhod Gilbert.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55That's pretty cool,
0:11:55 > 0:12:00and he signed my ticket and I am very, very happy about that.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I've now met the funniest guy,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06well, I think the funniest guy in the world.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I've met my two favourite guitarists...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Oh, I've met Davina McCall once, as well.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:22APPLAUSE
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Do you want to break his heart?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28I feel a little bit bad now.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Quite right.- Having seen that, yeah.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- But, we can't put you in Room 101. - Why not?- Well...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You said before that you can put in anything, no restraints.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40OK. Yeah, but this is a comedy show, not a Swiss clinic.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Anyway, let's see what Carol Vorderman's Wildcard is.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Ugh!
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Handbags.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03When my mum was growing up and when she was a young woman,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05she had about three handbags.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10I have six, which is quite a lot of handbags. They're all very old.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Now, when Sex in the City came along in the '90s, it kind of,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18well, it was basically just a great big advertising drama
0:13:18 > 0:13:20for the fashion industry.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23And suddenly all these really expensive handbags
0:13:23 > 0:13:25started coming out and girls would say,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28"I've got to have that bag, I've got to have that bag."
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Why? You don't need them, they look stupid.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36But, they buy these bags that are about this big,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39they're about half the size of the woman, to go to lunch.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Why do you need a bag that big to go to lunch?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45There was Katie Holmes, married to Tom Cruise,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I really loathe all this big handbag thing.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's only in the last 15 years it's started.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Can I say, we have a picture of Katie Holmes with that very bag.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Oh, you'll see what I mean. Look at the size of this.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Look at the size of that bag!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I think we know who's in there, don't we?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Frankly, it's small wonder there were bloody riots on Oxford Street
0:14:07 > 0:14:09when this sort of carry on was going on.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Wow! Because of handbags?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:14 > 0:14:18What's going on here, there's a handbag revolution?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- No, it creates envy and jealousy. - It does.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I think it's loathsome.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I think handbags can actually prevent crime. Take a look at this.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Guys breaking into a jewellery store.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31No one doing anything, too frightened.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I'd be frightened myself.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35But what about this lady?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Here she comes.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Straight from the grotto.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41She's got a big bag.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Quick, get on the scooter, get on the, quick, get on the scooter...
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Oh!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:57 > 0:14:58That's brilliant.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03What do you think of this bag?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06This is the kind of bag that my girlfriend would use.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- Yeah.- And, can I just give this a demonstration?
0:15:08 > 0:15:12We can be in a public place, maybe at the theatre or the cinema,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14and she'll say to me, "I'm going to the toilet now,"
0:15:14 > 0:15:16and she'll hand me this.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17LAUGHTER
0:15:17 > 0:15:20And people are looking at me, I can see them reaching
0:15:20 > 0:15:24for their camera phones, and I do that thing that blokes always do,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26when a woman leaves you with her handbag,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28you don't want to hold it like this.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Because that suggests that you know how a handbag works.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35So, blokes tend to hold it like that.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40I'm not really familiar with a handbag, generally speaking.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I've seen that, I've seen that.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48And the best of all, get it next to something really male.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Yeah. That's what I would go for.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55APPLAUSE
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I want to know what Nick Hewer's wildcard is.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04What have I got?
0:16:06 > 0:16:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Um, EastEnders.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22There is one thing that I loathe and abhor about EastEnders
0:16:22 > 0:16:24and it's the aggression
0:16:24 > 0:16:28and the violence that seems to be threaded through every episode.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32And that violence over the years has drifted and leeched
0:16:32 > 0:16:35into the British consciousness, so that today
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I think this country is worse for it,
0:16:38 > 0:16:43because I think there is a vein, a seam, of aggression in this country
0:16:43 > 0:16:47that I would attribute in no small measure to this little lot here.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50And let me tell you, as a sort of an example,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I'm not blaming this particularly on EastEnders,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55but it's the sort of attitude.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I was queuing for the security check at an airport recently,
0:16:59 > 0:17:03and there was a bloke in front of me, he was reading the paper
0:17:03 > 0:17:06and the queue had moved on and created a sort of a space.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10And the bloke behind me said, "Oi, you, doughnut!"
0:17:10 > 0:17:13And the bloke reading the paper looked up and said,
0:17:13 > 0:17:14"You talking to me?!"
0:17:14 > 0:17:16And suddenly I thought,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"I'm going to be in the middle of an EastEnders brawl, here."
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Why can't we be kinder to each other and more patient?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And I think that EastEnders, God bless them,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29great actors, great stories, all the rest of it,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32just less of the violence, please, you're doing us harm.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36It's hard to have a story where somebody kills without violence.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37But there isn't a murder every week.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40It's hard to have a story where you blow a house up
0:17:40 > 0:17:41without blowing it up.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44But not every week. Frank, join me in this little message.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I'll be honest, I didn't know it was still on.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Now we have, in case anyone here has never watched EastEnders,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54which I know that's fairly unlikely, we have a montage to sort of
0:17:54 > 0:17:58I think point out some of the things you're talking about, Nick.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Oi! What do you think you're playing at?
0:18:01 > 0:18:06- Who are you calling scrubbers?! - You are nothing but low-life scum!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- Oi!- Get off!- Oi, oi, oi!- Out! - Mind the baby, all right.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Get off me!- Argh! Watch out! Ow! Ow!
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- You're not that tough now, are you? - Just get off me, you cow! - Get off her! Get off!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Argh! You've gone too far!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Argh! Come on then, if you think you're hard enough.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Oh, oh!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:31You know that video was part of London's Olympic bid!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34LAUGHTER
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Also, it's loved by many people.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40We have some people visiting the set of EastEnders.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Look, the Mayor of London.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Even Queen Victoria doesn't seem to like Boris Johnson.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Which one is Boris Johnson?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:55 > 0:18:59OK, so that is the... that's the Wildcard Round.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00I have to say it's a tricky one.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- I'm not going to put Rhod Gilbert in.- Come on.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Because if I put you in there,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08this'll just be, basically, an episode of Countdown.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Yes. Past and present.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14And, I don't watch EastEnders, I know it's loved by the masses
0:19:14 > 0:19:17and a lot of people have an affection for it.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19And, I'm OK on handbags,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22but I suppose it can be an excessive example of capitalism,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26so, under duress, I'm going to put handbags into Room 101.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Yes! Yeah!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:42OK, let's have our next category.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Sport. What doesn't Carol Vorderman like about sport?
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Yes!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I feel I don't actually need to say anything.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04No.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Golf is not a sport.- Oh!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09That's why it has to go into Room 101.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13A sport, I would say, has spectators who can get excited
0:20:13 > 0:20:16about watching people doing whatever it is that they're doing
0:20:16 > 0:20:18and you get a thrill that rushes through you, going,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20"Yeah, that's fantastic!"
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Whether it's football or rugby or whatever it might be.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25That doesn't happen in golf.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27If you're a spectator,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30and I know because I was once taken to an event, you stand there
0:20:30 > 0:20:32in silence, like this,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34for 20 minutes.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37And then somebody hits a ball over there.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42You can't see it against the grey sky, and then it lands over there.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43And you go...
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Like that.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Then you wait another 20 minutes for the same thing. It's not a sport.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52But, it's got... I know what you mean by it not being a sport,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- in that it's not desperately physical.- It's not a sport.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58But that's good, because it means the fat, the old,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00the alienated can play.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02It's like Countdown in that respect.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03LAUGHTER
0:21:03 > 0:21:06What do you mean by the alienated can play golf, anyway?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07What does that mean?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11If you don't have any friends, you can play golf on your own.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14If you haven't got friends, you can do anything on your own.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16What about seesawing?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Yeah.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Do you know what I think about golf is that every single golfer,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28and I'm accusing every single one of them out there,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31lies and cheats in every single game that they play.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Always this constant lying to yourself,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"I won't count that one, I won't count that shot."
0:21:35 > 0:21:37They never play it by the rules.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39You're only cheating yourself.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Give me a cheer if you do that.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43SILENCE
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Oh.- But I think it's not about that, it's about being out there
0:21:47 > 0:21:50in the open air, the course is like a living creature.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I think it's good for the soul.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Just to show how at one with nature golfers are,
0:21:57 > 0:21:58look at this beautiful moment.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05GASPS
0:22:05 > 0:22:07You just killed a bird.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10That's awful!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Yes, yes, she hit a birdie.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:17OK, what doesn't Nick Hewer like about sport?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:27My little two minutes really is about British sportsmanship.
0:22:27 > 0:22:34That is the Northampton and England winger, who when he scores,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38he sort of has a triumphant dive, because he's a show-off, basically.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41So you're anti, sort of, flamboyance as well, in sport?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45No, we gave the world cricket and soccer and rugby,
0:22:45 > 0:22:50and today, I worry that British sportsmanship, right,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52has reached a low ebb.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Let me just give you a couple of examples.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57You hear commentators saying,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00"He's won a penalty." Excuse me?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03You're awarded a penalty for being fouled.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07And when you actually win one, by diving or whatever it is,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10you're then congratulated by your team-mates.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Another example is that whenever the ball crosses the goal line,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- everybody claims it's a corner or it's not a corner.- Yep.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21When the ball goes into touch, it's everybody's ball,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24and if somebody looks on-side, everybody claims it.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Why don't they just pack it in and be honest about it.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Sportsmanship, let's get it back, let's get it back.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31I have to say...
0:23:31 > 0:23:34APPLAUSE
0:23:35 > 0:23:40I think that the England football team in the past
0:23:40 > 0:23:44have been a little bit, they've been a bit too sporting, in a way.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49They've been too much on the side of the opposition. Look at this.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Now I think I'd have said,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56"No, we're not going to do the Nazi salute."
0:23:56 > 0:23:59But, they just didn't want to offend anybody.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- Is that what you want to go back to, Nick?- Er, No.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I think it's just something happening in the stand, that's all.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10You know what it's like when one person points,
0:24:10 > 0:24:11everyone stops and has a look.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Somebody could have Photoshopped the world yo-yo championships.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Well, here's a celebration, I don't think this is triumphalist,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24so this, I think this is a celebration you'll like.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26This is from Iceland, right,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29and there's a club team there called Stjarnan FC,
0:24:29 > 0:24:35and their goal celebrations have become works of art.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Get a load of this. So, the guy scores a penalty.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42So, he's ready, now he's ready now.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45He starts with the big cast and then he's reeling it in.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47What is he reeling in?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49It's the big fish, here it comes.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Photo opportunity with the big fish.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55And...
0:24:55 > 0:25:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:04 > 0:25:07What doesn't Rhod Gilbert like about sport?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16This is, well, opening or closing ceremonies, I guess.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20It's the Olympics one I'm thinking of, primarily, coming up in 2012.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23The TV audience is apparently going to be four billion,
0:25:23 > 0:25:27are essentially going to watch 500 people in track suits
0:25:27 > 0:25:30walk around the track.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32And, I don't get it as a spectacle.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34If I wanted to watch 500 people in track suits,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I'd go and hang around a job centre in Manchester. You can just...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:42It's a waste of money, it's a massive PR exercise.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44It's going to be embarrassing.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46The teams come out in alphabetical order,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49but the Greeks always come out first,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51because of the heritage and historical thing.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55And then the host nation comes out last, sort of comes in last,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58and, I thought, "That's going to be good practice."
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Well they are, it's always a bit embarrassing.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I remember, was it Vancouver, the Winter Olympics, the last one?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05I don't watch the Winters.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Everyone arrived, like the French, the Austrians, the Germans,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12all of them confident, all waving, confident of winning medals.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Then you had the Brits at the back, coming out like this,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18following a gritter like that.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Literally.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24So how would you start the Olympics then?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Save 80 million quid it's going to cost.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29100 quid, 103 quid, I reckon I could do it.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Scissors, a ribbon and then Bill Oddie,
0:26:33 > 0:26:34he'll do it for 100 quid. Right.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36He cuts the ribbon, 103 quid all in,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39and then just to get the global viewing audience up,
0:26:39 > 0:26:43you smash a bottle of champagne against Pippa Middleton's bottom.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45That's it.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50At Beijing, at the end in the closing ceremony, when they handed
0:26:50 > 0:26:55the Olympic flag to Boris, did you not get a little tear in your eye?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Um, no.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Look at that. It's a beautiful thing. It made me all tingly.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04It looks like
0:27:04 > 0:27:07somebody's clumsily shaved the Honey Monster
0:27:07 > 0:27:09and then pushed him out of a third storey window.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Well, look, I think that golf I'm not going to put in...
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Ohh!
0:27:14 > 0:27:19Because I think it's a spiritual exercise for many people.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Boo.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24And, I don't want to knock the British sportsmanship,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27because I think there's still a lot of great sportsmanship
0:27:27 > 0:27:30going on and people highlight just the bad stuff.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I must admit, if I'm going to be absolutely honest,
0:27:32 > 0:27:37I'd be happy to save 80 million quid by not having an opening ceremony
0:27:37 > 0:27:39and just somebody blowing a whistle.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43- Yeah, Bill Oddie.- So, I'm going to put opening and closing ceremonies
0:27:43 > 0:27:44into Room 101.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Even though it's just disappeared into Room 101,
0:28:01 > 0:28:06there is still time to announce our own Room 101 closing ceremony.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Please enjoy.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20This is the Room 101 mascot, Bolty!
0:28:30 > 0:28:35And please welcome, from EastEnders, carrying the Olympic Flame,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Wellard.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Good night.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Oh please, please stop.