0:00:36 > 0:00:39Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43the show where three guests explain what really winds them up,
0:00:43 > 0:00:48in the hope that I'll condemn said thing to the grim environs of Room 101.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories
0:00:51 > 0:00:53and, in each round, only one item can be chosen.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56The final decision is mine.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00As an example, let's try and decide the worst from this group of three.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I should say they're not all that easy.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15So let's meet the guests.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Joining me tonight are presenter Lauren Laverne,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21actor Larry Lamb and comedian David O'Doherty.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Right then, let's get the first category.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Modern Life.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41So let's see what Lauren Laverne doesn't like about modern life.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50OK. Look at this, this is what I don't like about modern life.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Oh, look, this is fine. Is this fine?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Is this fine?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58No, this isn't fine. I hate fake tan.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Do you really?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I hate fake tan. Look.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06That is deeply un-fine and needs to go in Room 101.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09But you quite like applying them, liberally.
0:02:09 > 0:02:14It has become normal to dye our skin from the top of our head
0:02:14 > 0:02:16to our toes, all year round.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19We look back into history and we look at people with their...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22in the 17th century, with their powdered wigs
0:02:22 > 0:02:25and their beauty spot and corsets and we laugh at them.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28And, like, right now, we're walking around
0:02:28 > 0:02:30looking like a nation of Oompa Loompas.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's insane and it must end.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I know, it's like seasonal fruit.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40When I was a young man, you had to wait for things like sprouts.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45I heard a rumour that there was one magazine cover star who wanted to
0:02:45 > 0:02:51fake-tan the baby for the "meeting the baby" shoot, at two weeks old!
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- Can't be right. - Yeah, I mean, surely the obvious thing is to just dip them, isn't it?
0:02:56 > 0:03:01I mean, I have to defend, certainly spray tan, is that it is
0:03:01 > 0:03:05probably healthier than actual sun-tanning and it's quicker.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I like to think that what's happened is that man has taken nature
0:03:09 > 0:03:12and improved it, you know. Like with, say, Nesquik.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I had a spray tan once in my life. I did it for...
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I did it for professional reasons, can I point that out?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I had to do a show where you did five things that you've never
0:03:21 > 0:03:25done before, so I went for a spray tan, and the woman said to me,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27"So how strong do you want to go?"
0:03:27 > 0:03:30And I thought, you know, builders.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33They sprayed me and I was amazed.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37I don't know, people here probably have had spray tans,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I thought it stayed, but it was... I got out of bed the next morning,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44my fitted sheet looked like the Turin Shroud.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50The flamingos in Dublin Zoo were... they weren't pink any more,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52they were losing their pinkness,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55so they had to add some pink dye to the food they were giving them.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56So maybe that's it,
0:03:56 > 0:04:01maybe people who work as air hostesses just drink a lot of Fanta.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I went in one of these standy-up ones, where you...
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- The stand and tan.- No, no, this was like bars on the wall and you stand in there,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10they play Europop and you dance naked.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12It has its pluses.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16I'd never been before, and they give you two little golden cones
0:04:16 > 0:04:19to put in your eyes so your eyes don't burn out.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22So I wedged those in, so I got these two pointy bits
0:04:22 > 0:04:25and I went in there, I said, "I'll have 18 minutes."
0:04:25 > 0:04:27That was the max you could have.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28I got very burnt.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Particularly in one particular area
0:04:31 > 0:04:34where not normally exposed to the sun at all.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36And when I went back, I said,
0:04:36 > 0:04:40"I couldn't have three of those gold cones, could I?"
0:04:43 > 0:04:48OK, so let's see what Larry Lamb doesn't like about modern life.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02High fives.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Ah!
0:05:04 > 0:05:05- Eh?- I'm with you.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I mean, talk about a fad.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It drives me crazy, everybody's doing it, you just
0:05:12 > 0:05:15sort of expect the Queen, the Pope, everybody to be high-fiving.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18You've got President Obama. It seems to be the way that people,
0:05:18 > 0:05:22somehow or other, have accepted they've got to sort of show that
0:05:22 > 0:05:26they're kind of hip to what's going on when they greet each other.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- But aren't they a lovely, warm greeting, Larry?- No.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31It just makes me feel really angry when they do it.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I don't want to do it, no.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36What do you do when people do it to you? Do you just go, "Argh, no!"?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- Yeah, no, I don't do any...- Do you join in? If someone comes up and goes, "Hey, Larry," what do you do?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42No, how are you doing?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Oh, oh, you've directly challenged their...- Absolute direct challenge.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47..greeting.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I met Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I'd never heard of a low five,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52and he went...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54And I sort of shook hands with him sideways.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58It was really pathetic. He gave me a withering look.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01But it's a very American thing, isn't it?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03It is. Well, I'm not anti...
0:06:03 > 0:06:06And I kind of, they're more expressive, because I think
0:06:06 > 0:06:09the standard British greeting, instead of the high five, is...
0:06:11 > 0:06:14There are worse things that have come from America. I mean,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18you know, the drive-by shooting, for example.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21This clip illustrates that if you are going to high-five someone,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24make sure that they're kind of ready for it,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28and a white stick is something to look out for.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40We'll see. We'll see where it goes. I am pumped.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42As you should be.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Well, I'm giving you a high five.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Congratulations, there it is.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Anyway, let's have a look at David's choice in the Modern Life category.
0:06:55 > 0:07:01TENSE MUSIC
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Frank, this is a big one,
0:07:05 > 0:07:12the thing I hate more than possibly anything else...
0:07:12 > 0:07:17is fake tension in light entertainment television programmes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26From my memory, it would have started...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I remember Eurovisions in the 1980s,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32it was possibly an accident originally that the man reading out
0:07:32 > 0:07:38the results for the Swiss jury just went, "And twelve points goes to...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44"..Malta."
0:07:44 > 0:07:47And all of Europe went, "Ooh!"
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Well, I seem to... It's been around longer than that.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Doesn't the King use it in The King's Speech?
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Oh, yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03I think when he said, "We are currently at war with..."
0:08:03 > 0:08:06And the whole nation's going, "Who? Who are we at war with?"
0:08:06 > 0:08:10I think I hate it because I am so easily emotionally manipulated,
0:08:10 > 0:08:14so I'm, "Oh, really? Who's going to be knocked out of Celebrity Fly Fishing this week?"
0:08:16 > 0:08:20I think the worst bit is when they really try to tease them.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22They'll lead them one way and then the other,
0:08:22 > 0:08:27so you get the look into the eye and they say, "I'm sorry, it's bad news.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"You're going to have to spend a bit longer with me. Ha-ha!
0:08:30 > 0:08:35"At least long enough for me to tell you that you're going home.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"And when you get home, I want you to pack your suitcase and come right back here!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42"Only then will I finally admit that I'm truly sorry that
0:08:42 > 0:08:45"I didn't tell you straightaway
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"that you're in the next round!"
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It's... I mean, it's cruel.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51But I love it.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I think the brilliant thing about that tension moment,
0:08:58 > 0:08:59that dramatic pause,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03is that you can make almost anything sound really, really exciting.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08There was one more ingredient to this battle, our secret ingredient,
0:09:08 > 0:09:13the theme on which our chefs will offer their succulent variations.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Today's secret ingredient is...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24..potatoes!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34But there's no real drama on television,
0:09:34 > 0:09:38so they turn reality television into drama. That's the problem, you know.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41That's a bitter actor speaking there, Larry.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Me and Larry agree. Put it there!
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Anyway, I now come to my choice, and in the Modern Life category,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57what I'm going to put in Room 101 is...
0:09:57 > 0:10:01TENSE MUSIC
0:10:01 > 0:10:06HE WHISTLES
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I'll tell you after the break.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Sorry... Oh, BBC.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28OK, so I am going to put fake tans into Room 101.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44OK, let's move on to the next category.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54Going Out. What does Larry Lamb not like about going out?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Confusing loo signs.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09The bane of people my age, I'm sure, you know.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Bad enough to be constantly in a rush needing to get there,
0:11:13 > 0:11:19but going in the wrong one almost, you know, ready to explode, is just
0:11:19 > 0:11:23terribly embarrassing and it seems to happen more and more and more.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Yeah.- Sometimes, it's just because you catch things at the wrong angle
0:11:27 > 0:11:32and you're so anxious to get in there, and the door's half-open, half-closed, and you just see it.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- But...- Just save it for the jury, will you?
0:11:36 > 0:11:43It even got worse for me on the internal signs on one of these new-fangled ones
0:11:43 > 0:11:47on a big sort of super-train in England, funnily enough,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50one of these revolving ones.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53And I got myself all safely stowed and ready settled...
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- You didn't lock.- ..everything ready, and pressed the button that closes
0:11:57 > 0:12:00and it was the wrong one, and I'm sitting there
0:12:00 > 0:12:04and this person is standing in front of the door just staring at me,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08and I'm staring at him, saying, "Hello, I'm Archie Mitchell.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11"How you doing?" I mean, unreal.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's a great reveal though.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- It's a great reveal, and that's the kind of...- Larry Lamb!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It's the terror of it, just gradually, you think,
0:12:18 > 0:12:20"It's opening, it's opening, it's opening!"
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- I know, but if ever they bring back Stars In Their Eyes...- Yeah!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27In case you're not familiar with these signs,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30here's a few toilet signs.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32This one, I think, is very clever, this first one.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Don't you think that's good, Larry? That's inventive.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41It's good. It's good. I get that.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Oh, so you're all right with that one?- I'm all right with that one.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46This one, I think's a bit trickier.
0:12:49 > 0:12:55People from the 18th century and in flying wheelchairs.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Is that disabled?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I thought it was just someone who had one of those Space Hopper things.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03What about this one? This is...
0:13:06 > 0:13:11See, that, to me, looks like a giant with a quiff
0:13:11 > 0:13:13creeping up on a man at a urinal.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Can you see that?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Just about to bite him on the bottom.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22So I've got to say, Larry, that I...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25If that's his willy, what on earth is that thing on the other side?!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27That's his bottom.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Good Lord! Unbelievable.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I've only ever been in a ladies toilet once and that was...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36We were on a very, very good conga.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41The sort of conga you have to get the bus back to where you began from.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46OK, what doesn't Lauren Laverne like about going out?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Look at that, Frank. Square plates.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02Square plates, because when a square plate arrives,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06what it immediately tells you is that you're in a restaurant
0:14:06 > 0:14:10that is not quite as good a restaurant as it thinks it is.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I mean, don't get me wrong, everything doesn't have to be fancy,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15but I think, actually, that's my point.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17It's the stuff in the middle.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I like a really properly fancy, really lovely restaurant,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23and I love, like, a bag of chips on the beach, you can't go past that.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I think those two extremes are fantastic.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28But this in the middle, with the square plates,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and the food in little piles.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Why, why is this?
0:14:33 > 0:14:38I don't know. I think there's a lot of KFC regulars here going...
0:14:38 > 0:14:39what is that?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44But on a practical level, have you ever chased peas with
0:14:44 > 0:14:47a knife and fork round a circular plate?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I've been lapped by a cherry tomato.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I think the theory is,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55it's supposed to represent like a frame for a work of art.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Yeah, that's the problem, it's food going into art, isn't it?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Food going into art makes fart, though, Larry.
0:15:03 > 0:15:09That's not something anybody wants to think about when they're having their dinner.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11It also says to me,
0:15:11 > 0:15:15"After this meal, you are still going to be quite hungry."
0:15:15 > 0:15:20I went to quite a posh restaurant, right, and they gave me - I'm not kidding you -
0:15:20 > 0:15:24gave me a chopping board with the ingredients for a sandwich on it,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27but they just hadn't made you the flippin' sandwich.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31And it was like, "Hang on, I'm giving you 12 quid for this.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35"Can you not take it back and make us a sandwich? I have to make my own?"
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Are you sure you weren't working there at the time?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43OK, well, I think that looks nice, personally,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46but you've made your point.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50What doesn't David like about going out?
0:15:55 > 0:15:59I have a big problem with ostentatious dressers
0:15:59 > 0:16:02who don't like people looking at them.
0:16:02 > 0:16:08This comes from an incident in Spar, the popular shop, recently.
0:16:08 > 0:16:14I'm doing pretty well, and there was a man, a very fashionable man
0:16:14 > 0:16:18in his twenties with the sort of little trousers and little shoes,
0:16:18 > 0:16:23and he had a trenchcoat on and a sort of a little moustachey thing.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28And then round his neck, he had a stoat, and then
0:16:28 > 0:16:34an old lady kind of lady killer, one with the arms and the head, like...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38..who was staring at the other people in...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Can I say, I'm not totally sure they have arms.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44With his... Well, of course they have arms.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47What are they, just a tube? They roll around, stoats.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Are they not legs?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Legs are arms.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Oh, I see what this is,
0:16:52 > 0:16:56this is the argument as to whether dogs have arms and legs.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Yes.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- Or whether they have four legs in the first place.- They have four legs, surely.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06Not in Ireland. In Ireland, we're very clear about this.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09You see a table, there are the arms, there are the legs.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16The man with the stoat, he looked over at me as if to say,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20"I'm just trying to live my life, leave me alone."
0:17:20 > 0:17:24And I think what annoyed me about it was that when I was
0:17:24 > 0:17:28growing up, people who dressed in the most outlandish costumes were goths,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32you know, or were punks, and they were trying to shock the world.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36And they were saying, "Look at me, I don't care!" You know? "Ha-ha!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39"That's right, I've put an egg in my hair."
0:17:39 > 0:17:41And this was someone...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I remember that fashion.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48This was someone from my crappy generation, who just
0:17:48 > 0:17:51couldn't make up their mind whether it was meant to be
0:17:51 > 0:17:54a cool thing they wanted people to look at, or just like,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58"Don't look... Look at me! Don't look... Look at me! Don't look at me."
0:17:58 > 0:17:59That was the annoying thing.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02He might have been being savaged.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06OK, well, as I come to look at these things,
0:18:06 > 0:18:11I like the sort of non-uniformity of the square plate,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I like that it's challenging the norm.
0:18:14 > 0:18:20I think that David staring is just a little bit taking the mickey,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and I can understand those people getting upset.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Larry, you've won me over.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I didn't realise it, I thought they were just imagination,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30but they can be traumatic, I realise that now.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35So I am going to put misleading loo signs into Room 101.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40For the old folks.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Let's take a look at the next category.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58This is the Wildcard round, because sometimes, we feel
0:18:58 > 0:19:02we constrain you too much in your hatred and dislikes.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05So now there's no restraints, no category,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07you can choose whatever you like.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09And we're going to start with Larry.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11What is Larry's wildcard?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I suppose it's going back to where we were with David,
0:19:21 > 0:19:28it's people who actually go out in public in fancy dress.
0:19:28 > 0:19:34- Ah.- It's that thing of... God, it's my old Captain Hook hat.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I suppose it's when you're an actor
0:19:36 > 0:19:39and you get to dress up all the time, it's...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41But look, you can't resist it, Larry!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- I know, exactly.- Oh, that's good.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Well, I think it's silly to leave it all in the box for you.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Ooh, you've gone a bit camp in that hat.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Oh, I do! That's the thing. It depends.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54You see, you get... Ooh, look at this one here!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Ooh! But, no...
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I can see you're a man who's utterly governed by headgear.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Completely, sweetheart!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06But no, the thing is, just as David was saying,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08it's people wandering around in fancy dress.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13I'll tell you what I like, I'm not very keen on the hire shop.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17I think if you go to a fancy dress party or wear fancy dress,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19it should be stuff you just find at home.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21That seems to be the craic.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Like, I had this... I thought this was a very clever idea,
0:20:24 > 0:20:29to go to a fancy dress party dressed as my girlfriend, right?
0:20:29 > 0:20:33At least that's what I told her when she came home early.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Larry, now, I'm not taking the mick now,
0:20:37 > 0:20:42but are you not tempted to go to fancy dress things as a lamb?
0:20:44 > 0:20:50Ooh, ooh, if only you knew how far off the beam you are there.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55We've got a clip from a local news story about a man who did go to
0:20:55 > 0:21:01a fancy dress party as Larry the Lamb and things went horribly wrong.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05About a month ago, Peter Buck was out celebrating
0:21:05 > 0:21:08on a fancy dress bus party for a birthday.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12But when a bit of his Larry the Lamb costume came loose,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15he and some friends decided to burn it off with a lighter.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19In moments, his entire outfit was alight.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24It was here outside the Drunken Duck where Pete's costume burst into flames.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27In a panic, he ran out into the street.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29A passing car had to swerve to avoid hitting him.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Now, fortunately for Pete, one of the friends out with him
0:21:32 > 0:21:35that night was firefighter Paul Bisson,
0:21:35 > 0:21:39who, as it happens, was dressed as Jesus Christ on the night.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42He chased after Pete, telling him to stop, drop and roll,
0:21:42 > 0:21:46but eventually had to bear-hug him to help put out the flames.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I should say, for those of you at home who are worried, that he
0:21:55 > 0:21:58had a few burns on his arms, but he's perfectly all right now.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Especially with a bit of mint sauce.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06OK, let's have a look what is Lauren's wild card.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Flags.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19You don't like flags?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Nothing good has ever come from a flag.
0:22:22 > 0:22:28Wars, nationalism, racism, Geri Halliwell at the Brits that time.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Nothing good has ever come out of a flag.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33And linesmen.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Well, I don't know, I mean...
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Actually, it would be tough for a linesman if you put flags in Room 101.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41They'd have to run up and down going...
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Well, all right, maybe there's practical problems for it,
0:22:42 > 0:22:48but I mean, I think they're divisive, I think they're bad for humankind.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Broadly, I'm not saying they weren't necessary in the past,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55but I think now, it's time to move on and, you know, we're all on one little
0:22:55 > 0:22:59quite vulnerable planet, we all need to work together as a people.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I mean, I'd maybe allow, like, a plain white flag with the name
0:23:03 > 0:23:07of each country written across, in a pre-globally agreed font.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10In regulation font size.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12You wouldn't see anybody waving that and starting a war with it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Nobody would be making them into beach towels.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I've got some examples of what I think are brilliant flags.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21This is the Sicilian flag.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27You know, I think I saw that act in cabaret.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30It's Sicily, so it's probably just the Mafia cut off her legs.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Well, they actually added a leg.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Or as you'd say in Ireland, they added an arm.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45This was the flag for Benin, in Africa.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50Ooh! You see, this is what I'm talking about.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- This is exactly it.- I mean, that's just looking for trouble.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57Also, it looks like the man on the right was trying to tippy-toe past.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01He wasn't even looking for trouble. "Oh, he hasn't seen me...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"Ow!"
0:24:04 > 0:24:06OK, I'm taking that onboard.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10What is David's wildcard?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19It's not Alex from the One Show?
0:24:23 > 0:24:24It is being 35 years old.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30I've recently become 35 and I realise age ain't nothing
0:24:30 > 0:24:34but a number, but it is also a very accurate barometer of how old you are.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41And 35 is the first truly disappointing age.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44You just never hear of 35 year olds doing anything
0:24:44 > 0:24:47particularly innovative or interesting.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49You're not young any more, and anyway,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52if you look at the news, it's this seven year old has invented
0:24:52 > 0:24:54the internet on crisps, or whatever it is.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56But 35 year olds, it's always much darker,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59it's always - the suspect,
0:24:59 > 0:25:0135, exposed himself to
0:25:01 > 0:25:05the mourners in the pet cemetery, or whatever it happens to be.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08But I should say that Van Gogh painted the Sunflowers
0:25:08 > 0:25:10when he was 35.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12And look how he turned out!
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Well, I don't know about... I don't have terrible sympathy,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20as I am about 20 years older.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- I know, but...- No, you don't know.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- I realise...- You think you know.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I'll tell you what I've started to get just lately, Larry,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30and see if we're brothers in this, I've started to find
0:25:30 > 0:25:36- that my throat is getting slightly affected by breeze.- By breeze.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Yeah.- You start feeling cold in places you've never felt cold.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- No, I'm on about it actually moves, my throat.- Oh, does it?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- I occasionally wear a dicky bow as a wind break.- Do you?
0:25:46 > 0:25:50I would say 30 is probably the cut-off point.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I think you're being a bit optimistic, 35.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I always thought I was fairly washed-up...
0:25:56 > 0:26:01I went to a Club 18/30 do, I got completely mixed up,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I went as Alfred Lord Tennyson.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11For the first time, I had a creaky knee and I went to the doctor,
0:26:11 > 0:26:15and rather than prescribing a cure or anything, he just went,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17you're 35!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19But that is what happens.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I did my back in. I was standing backstage
0:26:22 > 0:26:26and a young comedian came up to me and said, "Are you all right?"
0:26:26 > 0:26:27I said, "No, my back's killing me."
0:26:27 > 0:26:30He said, "Oh, what happened?" And I suddenly realised that when you get older,
0:26:30 > 0:26:33injuries don't come with an anecdote any more.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35They used to be, I fell off a horse,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37or I was climbing a wall drunk.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Now, I woke up one morning and it just hurt.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44What happened? It was erosion.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47You used to work in marketing.
0:26:47 > 0:26:5418 to 35 is, that's, isn't that a classic category?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Well, the categories that we worked on, in my tele-marketing era,
0:26:58 > 0:27:04was the zero to 18, and they're... they like brightly coloured things.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05And then there's 18 to 34,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07and they're the key demographic, because they're the people
0:27:07 > 0:27:11who feel emotion and fall in love and take risks.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13And then there's just 35 to death.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18We all like Michael Buble and driving gloves.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24OK. Well, this is... It's an interesting one, this.
0:27:24 > 0:27:29I can't go with fancy dress, because I love dressing up so much.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33It's a joyous thing, and I love to see it at the Test Match and all that.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37And David has got a terrible sadness about him in this,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- but I'm going to put flags into Room 101.- Hurray!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56And that brings us to the end of the show,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59and my most persuasive guest tonight was Lauren, so well done, Lauren.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02You are the winner.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08And as winner, you get one free,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11unchallenged choice that goes straight into Room 101.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16- Ooh, adult animals. - OK! I know what you mean.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18- Because baby animals are lovely. - Yeah.- Adult animals, I can give them up...
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Yeah, exactly.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23I like animals, but you need a cut-off point.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26OK, adult animals will go into Room 101.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Well, thanks very much to Lauren, to David and to Larry, and thank YOU.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36And goodnight.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd